Batwoman #24

This is Batwoman's comic series, so she should win this fight. But nobody beats Batman at DC! NOBODY!

Way back in Issue #5, I predicted that Batwoman and Batman would appear on the cover of Issue #11 beating the shit out of each other. Looks like I was thirteen issues off!

The issue begins with the Arkham inmates that the DEO set loose to draw in The Batman running wild in the streets of Gotham. This must take place some time ago in DC's chronology since Katana is still with the Birds of Prey and Nightwing is still hanging out in Gotham.

And David Zavimbe is still Batwing! I can tell because he really does look fat in his costume.

Batman shows up to battle Bane not because Batman doesn't want anybody else winding up with a broken back but because he's a fucking glory hog. I can't believe Bane agreed to get his ass kicked by The Batman just to lure him out into the open. The DEO must have offered him a small chunk of Gotham for his trouble. But even Bane's amazing acting abilities can't fool The Batman!

They don't call him the World's Greatest Detective because he knows how to please a woman's pleasure spot. You know what I'm talking about! That spot! There's a spot, right? Near the anus?

Bane taunts The Batman with Robin's murder during the fight which is just another clue to placing this comic book on the DC Timeline. Of course I don't know what any of those clues mean! I gave up trying to figure out what is happening before or after what about a dozen issues ago. If you want to know when events take place in relation to other events, you should see Canonology's site. If you want dick jokes, you're probably in the right place. That reminds me. I should probably make a dick joke soon.

Batman learns that Bones is behind the Arkham inmate riots when he injects Bane with a serum that turns his Venom into a toxin. That means Bane will be spending the next two weeks sitting on a toilet with a bucket in front of him. Which means the Talon story must take place at least two weeks after this story.

"Bane spilled his guts!" Bones made a joke!

Batwoman arrives and the brawl begins. Meanwhile, Hawkfire is busy infiltrating the DEO to rescue Alice so that Batwoman doesn't actually have to beat Batman and get his secret identity to save her sister. That's good! Because even though Batwoman declares she's going to cheat to win, she still isn't going to win! And she's definitely not going to learn Batman's secret identity unless he decides to just come out and tell it to her. And then the issue ends with Batman's hand around Kate's throat and Kate's hand around Batman's throat. Which is the last Batwoman panel to be written by Blackman and Williams.

Batwoman #24 Rating: No change. I suppose this ending to the original creative team is fine since no matter who is writing this comic book, they can't let Batwoman beat Batman! Maybe Batwoman will wind up marrying Batman and living happily ever after! I bet that's what will happen when the new creative team joins the book. Also, Nightwing will strip at Kate Kane's bachelorette party. Bones will be shamed into quitting the DEO and a depressed Sawyer will team up with a now unemployed Chase to start a Super Hero Dating Service. I'm almost positive that at least 75% of my guesses will come true.

But seriously. This was a really fucking good comic book and it sucks that editorial and the suits at DC had to muck it up with their opinions and egos and non-writer's ideas. Jerkos.

Batwoman #22

Nobody let Jim Shooter see this cover! Unless you want him to have a stroke. Then by all means, give him a copy!

Batwoman is a consistently well-written and well-drawn comic book, so it's a gigantic pain in my ass. It presents next to no opportunities for dick jokes and rants about poor editing. I fucking hate this comic book.

Last issue was all about Killer Croc so I don't remember what was happening with Batwoman. I think she and her entire family were starting a detective agency so that they could figure out Batman's secret identity. I bet the first move is to infiltrate Wayne Enterprises since Batman is so closely tied to Bruce Wayne! Or maybe infiltrate Arkham!

Alaska and not Wayne Enterprises? That might be my worst guess ever!

That was the first panel of the comic. The final two panels of the first page show Batwoman and Hawkfire trudging through a snowy forest. Is this about Batman's identity or just another random mission for the DEO? This is a good example of why I began this blog. Because last issue was about Killer Croc, I haven't been clued in to what was happening in Batwoman's story (although, sure, I could read Batwoman #20's commentary to catch up). I don't know if the reason why they're in Alaska was explained earlier or if it'll be explained later. One of reasons I hated reading monthly comics as I got older was being thoroughly confused for the first few pages until the comic either explained what was happening or I would eventually get enough information out of the book to kickstart my memory.

Whatever is happening, that's a pretty dope or sick or sweet or radical or literally amazing picture of Director Bones up there.

It appears right now, they're hunting Bane for some reason.

I'm still confused! I'm hoping for a 24 hours earlier box!

Batwoman eventually gets him tied to a tree with something called Python Coil, courtesy of the D.E.O. And then she begins the interrogation. I suppose they have one question: WHO IS THE MOTHERLOVING BATMAN?!

Batwoman's question is this: How do I defeat Batman? Bane's answer is that only Bane can defeat Batman! But he also manages to point out that if perchance Batman were really, really exhausted and maybe if Batman were tricked in some way, well, it's possible someone other than Bane could defeat him. But not likely! Batwoman thanks him and leaves.

I don't know, Batwoman captured Bane fairly easily. Sure, he didn't have any Venom pumping through his veins. But still! He was hogtied in three pages! She broke Bane; I think she can break Batman!

After questioning Bane, Batwoman sends Maggie Sawyer into Arkham to question a bunch of other Bat-villains about The Bat. She questions Black Mask, The Mortician, Fright, and Professor Pyg. I only recognize Black Mask although Professor Pyg seems familiar! Probably because so many nutbags love to wear pig's head masks.

The consensus? He's a robot that loves kicking ass.

Meanwhile Jakob Kane is training Bette (Hawkfire!) to infiltrate the D.E.O. so she can break out Jacob's daughter Elizabeth (Black Alice! Unless it's just Alice!?). This is the back-up plan to freeing Elizabeth by learning Batman's secret identity because what are the fucking odds that that is going to happen? The whole training section feels like one of those pilots for a new sitcom that airs within an episode of a current sitcom. Bette is trained by The Murder of Crows, Jacob's gang of cliché tough guys! I expect DC's next War Comic to be Murder of Crows which will star this bunch of Magnificent Seven wannabes.

And then Batwoman is ready to lure out Batman with a plan of her own that she's formed from the information she got from his enemies. But that plan won't be revealed until next month. Unless there is another Interlude next month!

Batwoman #22 Rating: No change. This issue felt like more of an interlude than the Killer Croc issue! Not a whole lot happened here. Bette and Kate caught Bane. Kate interviewed some crazies with Maggie. Bette beat up a bunch of old men while training. The Murder of Crows got their pilot issue to see if the readers are interested in a comic book about these guys. And Director Bones got in a little fishing. And I didn't get to make a single dick joke.

Batwoman #18

Excuse me for a moment, Batwoman. I need to piss in some mouths really quick. Even though he doesn't need it and won't ever read this, I just wanted to take a moment to defend Wil Wheaton before kissing Batwoman's ass.

Tonight on Tumblr, somebody sent a message telling him he sucks (couched in the "I'm disappointed" language of the utterly offended) because he reblogged Louis C.K. and because he has earned a paycheck for being on The Big Bang Theory. I'm not going to argue whether or not somebody might be offended by Louis C.K. He's a really smart, cutting edge comic and that's always going to step on a few toes. But life steps on toes and comics don't shy away from talking about life. So let's talk about the problem of Wil Wheaton on The Big Bang Theory.

It's not a problem. I don't watch the show mostly because I still can't believe shows use laugh tracks and that show seriously overuses the laugh track. I've seen the show and will watch it for a few minutes here and there in syndication because I think it can be funny. I think it would be funnier from a nerd perspective as opposed to the way it slyly winks at the non-nerds watching the show and whispering, "Can you believe these guys?" But I'm not here to defend what the show does right and critique what I think it does wrong. The person seemed to think it was a problem that Wil Wheaton was drawing a paycheck from being on the show. Wil told this person to fuck off in a more polite way than I would have but in an offensive enough way to piss off a lot of other people who suddenly decided Wil was an asshole.

Wil, be an asshole. Fuck the people that want to take the piss out of you because they expect you to be what they expect you to be. You follow me? If we could all only take jobs that wouldn't offend a single person on Tumblr, we'd all be unemployed. But I guess we'd be incredibly enlightened and totally unoffensive! I guess that's a thing!

One of the truest posts I ever read on Tumblr went something like this: "The quickest way to lose followers on Tumblr is to be yourself." Of course the corollary to that is "Fuck them." I've learned there are two signs that I'm writing my commentaries really well: when I gain a lot of followers in quick succession, and when I lose a lot of followers in quick succession.

Was Wil's response appropriate? Should it even be judged as such? Sometimes a person reacts to an individual more harshly than he would have because he's reacting to the many people that came before with the same exact bullshit. So the response might seem heavy handed or over the top in the small moment others are allowed to see. Perhaps Wil was responding to more than the one person. Anyway, why can't Wil be upset? Because people expect more from him? Because he has a soapbox and should "be better" than other people? Wil's critics seem just fine to react to his anger with their own anger. I suppose celebrities aren't allowed to have outbursts. When you're surprised that a celebrity shows him/herself to be human, it isn't a fault with the celebrity. It's a fault with your initial perception of the celebrity. Perhaps that's why so many people were angry? They were angry at themselves for somehow being duped into believing a role model was something other than just another person.

Anyway, Tumblr allows for everyone to voice their opinions. I'm all for the cacophony. But remember this: the person that makes a stupid joke (often me!) or reblogs some insensitive thing on Tumblr (probably me again!), for whatever reason, might just be the biggest champion of social justice when things really fucking count out in the Thunderdome of society (probably...no, sorry. Not me this time. Fuck everyone that isn't me!). This was my voice added to the howling moan. And now, Batwoman! Finally.

The comic opens with Hawkfire and Batwoman punching Mr. Freeze in the helmet.

I like that Jacob Kane (Kate's dad! Bette's uncle!) is anti-snark. I shouldn't be surprised though. He is military and Bette is currently in the line of duty. Get serious, Private!

Let's consider Bette's decision to put flamethrowers in her costume. In what way is that a good idea? As a law enforcement agent, if you're resorting to fire, you've already decided that death and destruction is acceptable. She can't set criminals on fire! Okay, occasionally she can if they're Urban Legends, I guess. But she's really walking an ethical tightrope if she refuses to kill bad guys but putting them in the hospital from serious burns is a tactic. At that point, it's just a toss up as to how injured they'll be. They could need amputations. They could easily get serious infections and die. Or end up with a future of plastic surgery, skin grafts, and physical therapy. And even if she doesn't use her flamethrower on the criminals, why bother? The only thing she'll be doing is setting buildings on fire and causing more problems than the criminal! I think Hawkfire needs to go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a new name.

While Hawkfire fights, she has Colonel Jacob Kane watching via a camera attached to her costume and giving her pointers via wireless communication. Batwoman has the same set up but with Cameron Chase at the other end of her microphone. Both voices seem to be a bit more of a distraction than a help but I suppose neither one actually had much say in the set-up. I'm sure Uncle Jake wouldn't let Bette out in that suit if he couldn't watch her and try to keep her safe. And Batwoman is the tool of the DEO, so she's stuck as well. It doesn't much matter though because Mister Freeze is quickly taken down with a nice big ice chunk jammed through his leg. At least he didn't get third degree burns over forty percent of his body.

Uncle Jake has a few questions about why his daughter is hunting Mr. Freeze. But neither he nor Bette can ask her because they seem to be keeping their communications secret from Batwoman. But they're not the only ones wondering why she's after Freeze.

By the way Batwoman fingers his gun after the fight, I suspect the DEO sent her in to grab up some of his technology.

Batwoman's response to Mr. Freeze basically amounts to, "You're a doody head!" And then Batman arrives to scare the crap out of everybody. The layout of the panels when Batman arrives is really nice, showing a blue half of the bat symbol on the left-hand page and a red half of the bat symbol on the right-hand page. And the layout isn't just nice on this page! The previous pages have retained the playfulness and beauty of the layouts when J.H. Williams was doing the art himself. I was worried about the change of artists on the book but I've been quickly won over (I first typed "run over") by Trevor McCarthy's work here.

Anyway, Batman is here!

I know, right?

Batman wants the Freeze Ray but, as expected, Cameron freaks out and tells Kate to tell Batman to go to hell. Very brave, standing up to Batman way on the other end of that wireless tether! Batman also has a few tips to pass along to Batwoman about fighting bad guys. Well, one tip actually.

Okay, it's not so much a tip as a critique!

Hey Batman! Take your advice and shove it! Some people might think causing a Catwoman to crash a motorcycle going at 100 miles per hour might be a bit of overkill as well! Sure, wah wah wah. You were out of your mind from grief. You still nearly killed your midnight fuck buddy, you bastard! At least Batwoman only took advantage of an icicle that accidentally went into Mr. Freeze's leg as opposed to purposefully trying to cripple him. Catwoman (and Ann Nocenti!) were right: you are a bully!

Batwoman gives Batman half of Mr. Freeze's weapon and all of Mr. Freeze. She then heads off, probably to be yelled at by Cameron Chase and Mr. Bones.

Instead of chastising her, Mr. Bones decides to torment her. He's desperately trying to keep her on the line and working for the DEO. Now that it looks like she's about to break free, Mr. Bones figures it's time to release Alice back into Gotham.

And then it's time to build some sub-plots!

Sub-plot #1: Uncle Daddy Jake's wife (new wife? Did I know he had a wife? Oh memory, you frigid whore!), while looking for the cat, has found Bette's Flamebird costume stuffed under Bette's mattress alongside her porn.

Wait. They have a cat?!

Sub-plot #2: Maggie Sawyer is looking for an apartment to share with her fiance, Batwoman!

Sub-plot #3 but not really since it was already touched upon in the Mister Bones scene: Cameron Chase meets with the fish that they'll be releasing back into Gotham just like my tortured fishing analogy paragraph mentioned!

I don't know for sure it's Kate's sister Alice but judging by the ending of Issue #17, I'd say that's a good guess.

Batwoman #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was worried things would fall apart when the new artist came on board but I like it! Still a good looking book. And do I have to add that it's still well-written? I think my "+1" already said that.