Detective Comics #39

Apparently Harley Quinn is 75 years old this month!

Back when Animaniacs was first on the air, my mother, who, at times, can be a bit of a nutty whackjob (that's the polite term, I think), took the opening of the show seriously and truly believed that Wakko, Yakko, and Dot had been around in the 1930s. Always wanting to be cooler than the cool kids in the popular culture cool room, she would constantly tell people who mentioned the show how much she had loved the Warner Brothers and their Sister Dot when she was a kid, way before all the people who were just now discovering them. I think I tried to tell her once that that was just a fictional opening to set up the premise for the show and she got angry that I was calling her crazy, so I dropped it because hinting that my mother might have been crazy really made her crazy. And besides, what did I know?! It's not like I had the internet to prove she was wrong. What if she had been right?! I had been known to be absolutely wrong about things simply because I was ignorant of stuff that happened before I was born, or during my life which I wasn't paying attention to, or shit I was just ignoring because it was more convenient to believe lies. What if I were to look up the history of the Animaniacs on the internet right now and discover my mother was correct?! You know what? That's too scary a thought to contemplate. I'm just going to walk away right now before I enter a world of complete madness.

But who knew Harley Quinn was 75 years old, right?!

The issue begins with Batman threatening to slit Harvey's throat if he doesn't take him back through the Taco Bell drive-thru to correct his Fourth Meal order.

"No injustice is too small to be ignored, Bullock."

Last issue, Bullock's possible first romantic interest that didn't involve a cash transaction shot an innocent boy on the street while chasing a robbery suspect. The Gotham Police decided it would be best to publicly blame Batman because nobody wants to take that kind of heat, amirite? If I accidentally shot a boy while trying to murder somebody else, I'd totally blame whoever else was standing next to me after shooting them, then putting the gun in their hand and manipulating their finger to pull the trigger to shoot myself in the arm. Then I'd be a hero for wrestling the gun out of their hands and killing them before any other innocent boys were shot! And my freedom would have only cost one extra innocent life! That's a small price to pay for freedom! I hear freedom isn't free, so I'm just, you know, paying my tab and shit.

Batman understands Bullock's position because he was in a movie a few years ago where Two-Face killed some people and blew up a bunch of shit and Batman was all, "Hey Gordon. Go ahead and blame me because I'm going to go on vacation for eight years anyway and we wouldn't want Harvey Dent's reputation tarnished just because he tried to kill everybody after having half of his face melted off and going batshit insane."

Batman recaps what's been going on over the last few issues. Anarky gave every citizen of Gotham a mask and a bunch of them have decided they get to break whatever laws they want with no fear of punishment. Batman says "most people" but that's fucking bullshit. Most people are inherently good and calm and kind. Even if they were given a magic mask, they still wouldn't decide to murder and kill and go on a spree of vandalism and mayhem. The problem is, you don't need "most people" to suddenly decide laws don't matter. You actually only need a very small percentage of a city's population to rise up at once and go nuts for everything to break down. I just wish Batman would acknowledge that fact instead of deciding that "for most, these masks have ignited a troubling amount of violence and hatred within." If that's true, just fucking let Gotham burn because it's not fucking worth it.

I wonder if this story is supposed to be some kind of analogy about trolls and the internet?

Stop being such a pessimistic sour grumphole. This is a small percentage of Gothamites turning law and order upside down. Just put on the cowl and get to fucking work stopping the chaos, asshole.

Youth and anonymity have historically been the two biggest factors in trolling. Before the internet, kids were trolling people on CB Radios. Before that, trolling was done via graffiti. Before that, I don't know. Shaving the side of a Wooly Mammoth? What am I? A trolling historian?! In elementary school, I once wrote on the sidewalk, in pencil, "Fuck Peter Martin" in front of Peter Martin's house. For no fucking good reason at all. Absolutely none. Somebody saw me and I got into huge trouble. But it wasn't the anger and the yelling and the punishment that taught me anything. It was the shame of having done something hurtful and stupid. And I had no good or bad reason to do it. Simply no reason at all. Just a stupid, youthful impulse. I put bullshit into the world thinking I could just walk away from the consequences. Being anonymous, I didn't even think there would be consequences, for me or for Peter Martin whose feelings I didn't even consider. I didn't even have any kind of beef against him! I was just in front of his house when the thought struck me!

I think with the internet, the age factor in trolling has leveled out across the board. I have a feeling there exists a substantial number of adults in a state of arrested development living lives in which they feel powerless and put upon. The internet lets them vent and then walk away without ever considering the feelings of the people on the other end of their rage. There's no feedback system where they have to deal with the consequences of their hatred and vitriol. Is there a way to send electrical shocks through the internet whenever a person pushes "Publish" on a horrible comment? I suppose I'd have to deal with a certain amount of voltage every time I post a commentary on a Scott Lobdell comic book. But it would probably still be worth it. It's not like I'm a completely anonymous asshole ranting for no good reason! Scott Lobdell must be stopped! Although I have high hopes for his new books beginning in June! It's time to clean the slate and start again. Kind of. I mean, Lobdell cleans the slate and starts again every month anyway, amirite?!

Wait. Wasn't I reading a Batman comic? Why do I always get so distracted? And even my digressions just kind of peter out until I digress back into the comic book! Which isn't technically a digression as much as just righting the train car and getting back on track. Or something.

"Mask. Mad Hatter. People acting out of control. What is the connection, Alfred? I just can't put my finger on it!" *fingers mask*

Batman has decided there is a connection between Jeb Lester (the guy Anarky set on fire and threw out of Wayne Tower) and The Mad Hatter. Harvey has decided that there is a connection between Jeb Lester and Sam Young (the guy whose briefcase Jeb Lester had on him before he was set on fire and thrown out of Wayne Tower). Both of them have evidence of a place called "The Blue House" that's connected to Sam Young and the kids killed by The Mad Hatter and Jeb Lester and whatever else I can't remember. So Batman and Bullock head out to the Blue House to find some more clues!

Batman and Bullock get jumped by a bunch of Maskies while The Mad Hatter is broken out of Blackgate by Anarky. He's thrown in the trunk of a car and taken away. I bet they go to The Blue House because the plots really need to come together. I can't keep everything straight if the plot threads keep fraying.

After the brawl, Batman discovers the masks are full of Mad Hatter technology because sometimes Batman is too distracted to be the World's Greatest Detective earlier in the comic book when he's fingering masks. But Bullock finds the biggest clue of them all! A portrait of Jeb Lester and a bunch of kids in front of The Blue House. Also in the painting? Jervis Tetch with a rake creepily staring at a young girl in front of him. How many Alices can one man have?

And finally, I think Jervis was better off in prison.

Detective Comics #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. If I weren't already reading every title published by DC Comics, I'd still pick up every book illustrated by Manapul and Buccellato. They're simply gorgeous. And they tell a good story too! I suppose if they told a shitty story, I wouldn't care how good the art was because even though I love what the medium of comics can do mixing art and writing, I'm still 90% about the writing and 16% about the art.

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.