Green Arrow #39

Has Ollie suddenly forgotten how to use a bow?

Last issue ended on the most original cliffhanger ever devised in comic book history! The bad guy had put a bounty on Green Arrow's head and turned the local authorities against him! Holy shit! Why has nobody ever thought of that before?! And get this twist: the bad guy has everybody thinking he's the good guy and he's helping the city when really he's hurting the city and Green Arrow, who everybody now thinks is hurting the city, is actually trying to help the city! Oh, it's so clever it makes my butt hurt.

What's more, Oliver Queen, once a billionaire, has lost all of his money! Um, again! And now to top off all of his troubles and tribulations, Felicity Smoak is being arrested for trademark infringement due to speaking like a Joss Whedon character without express written consent of the NFL.

And to top off the top off, Oliver's current penis cozy, Zehra, is behind his bankrupture!

Speaking of Oliver Queen Penis Cozies, can just one woman in the Arrow television show keep him out of her vagina? I think his sister Thea is the only vagina he hasn't been in and I'm including his mother because, you know! I have a feeling Oliver is eventually going to find out that Thea isn't a blood relation and they're going to fuck up against the glass window of her apartment as Felicity watches from the street with one lone tear rolling down her cheek.

Oh! I've forgotten to mention the name of the bad guy: King! Get it! It's King against Queen! Ah ha ha ha! Ow! My butt!

"I am the bad guy! Argh! I love being bad! Being good is dumb!"

"I am the good guy! I say clever rejoinders! I wear a good sweater! Being bad is stupid and bad!"

Oliver asks Zehra how she could do this to him and she points out that she's into winners and not losers. Ollie gets the hint and walks out on her before she also calls him a broomhead. The "L" on the forehead with her finger and thumb was harsh enough.

Felicity is arrested and thrown directly into jail because she rolled doubles three times in a row. She's really enjoying her time in prison because she gets to wear an orange jumpsuit that is definitely orange no matter how much Felicity insists that it isn't. And I know orange because I successfully navigated kindergarten. Barely.

Felicity's cellmate is a huge Guns N' Roses fan. She's also Cheetah the Cheetah Lady. How come when Cheetah turned into a Cheetah Goddess, she grew a tail but not four more breasts?

"We are the stupid sheep citizens! We need saving but we'll be ungrateful when we get saved because duh! Duh! Der!"

Diggle thinks the populace is dumb, does he? Well what about how dumb he is!

"Impermeable"! Who does he think he's talking to? Aquaman?

Some guy helps Oliver break into prison to save Felicity. Should I know who he is? Is he that Manhunter guy, Mark Shaw? He did get his New 52 secret origin in Cheetah #1! And he also appeared in the television show Arrow. But he didn't have blond hair in Cheetah #1, so maybe it's just some guy that I'm not supposed to know. Or I'm supposed to know and I just haven't been paying close enough attention. Whoever he is, he knows Green Arrow is Oliver Queen (it seems almost everybody does at this point).

And thus the day is saved and Felicity gets to say one of those awkward double entendre things she loves to say.

Later, Diggle, Ollie, and Felicity go to meet their chess pieces so they can battle King's chess pieces.

I get why Lex and Bruce are here because they're part of the Billionaire Boys Club. And Katana and Emiko are Outsiders, so they have to help out as well. And I guess that's Naomi making her return? Maybe? And I guess Cupid is here because she thinks she loves Green Arrow. But why the fuck would Roy come back? Isn't he still pissed at Oliver for stealing his ideas?!

Green Arrow #39 Rating: No change. It's good to know that in a DC Supermax prison, nobody fucking cares about the prisoners. Don't worry about isolating Cheetah even though she's got the powers of a Cheetah God and dangerous claws and hungers for flesh and is completely angry at everything all of the time. I'm sure a roommate will do her good! And hey, why not let the inmates of a Supermax prison wander around outside of their cells and eat their meals in a cafeteria like normal people because they aren't hardly super dangerous at all! I guess everybody at the Supermax has crown tattoos on their wrists. At least the art is on par with the writing! (That means it's crappy too!)

A.R.G.U.S. #6

That's the weakest palindrome I've ever seen.

I think this is the only palindrome I've ever purposely come up with: "So? Got Togo's?" Although it's entirely possible that everything I've ever written up to this point in my life is one huge palindrome. Stop nerd snorting at me! I didn't say it was probable!

I'm only going on about palindromes because Superwoman is making me really uncomfortable on the cover of this comic book. She's looking me right in the eyes and daring me to masturbate to this BDSM sex orgy! But I have to decline. I only take part in BDSM&Ms orgies.

Meanwhile in the Green Room! But first, I should point out that I used meanwhile incorrectly here. But I had to segue out of that uncomfortable last paragraph somehow!

Isn't "beyond classified" where it's so classified that it comes back around to being public knowledge?

So ARGUS has been around for hundreds of years before super heroes began gracing every street corner, hunh? What did the name stand for in earlier incarnations? Agrarians Rapidly Growing Usable Soy? Anarchists Reeducating Government Uncle Sams? Asshole Redcoats Getting Upset Suddenly? Those aren't any worse than Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans! Which, seriously, should be ARGUSH.

The Green Man explains that ARGUS existed in the 1700s and was called the "Armed Revolutionaries Governing Under Secrecy." So a secret government manipulating the new continent from behind the scenes, hunh? And even though they were secret and couldn't tell anybody what ARGUS meant because it was a secret, they still added the "armed" in the name to threaten anybody who somehow discovered the secret! And by "anybody who somehow discovered the secret," I mean anybody in the pub on any night when any member had one too many and began bragging about how powerful he was.

Later in the 1800s, ARGUS became the "Anonymous Ranger Group of the United States." Then in the 1900s, they became the "Aeonian Recurring Guys Utilizing Secrecy." Unless they were called something different. Anyway, in the 1900s, they battled the Crimson Men who were a religious group trying to bring about the apocalypse because they were bored. But ARGUS felt that a world ending event posed a threat to the United States of America, so they fought back. Mr. Green explains that at the turn of the Millennium, The Crimson Men were routed. Hmm? What happened around that time? Oh yeah! The attack on the World Trade Centers! So that must have been The Crimson Men's hideout and the terrorist attack was a black ops mission by ARGUS! I knew there was something fishy about the the official record of that event! Now it makes so much more sense than some impotent assholes thinking that if they could fuck America in the ass, they'd score some heavenly poontang! That might sound fairly logical but you have to remember that this is a comic book and comic book logic demands the reverse of Occam's Razor. So in the comic book world of The New 52, the whole ARGUS being behind the destruction of the World Trade Centers is least plausible, therefore it's the most plausible.

Mr. Green goes on to say that ARGUS's next mission has become to stop the threat of superhumans. But since The Crime Syndicate has appeared and they're a bigger threat, ARGUS realizes that they have to actually do what their stupid fake name says: unite the superhumans. Or else it could be the end of the world and The Crison Men will win! And nobody likes to see the asshole win. So Lieutenant Candy is getting a promotion to be the Keeper of Secrets for ARGUS. But only if she can keep Steve Trevor alive. Although on that front, she may already be too late.

Oh Steve. Did Dr. Light touch you in a No-No place?

Steve Trevor is either dreaming it or he's, while unconscious, having a real visit with the witches as they steal his future potential. One of those. I guess it won't matter until September when Steve Trevor gets a Five Years in the Future book and the entire book is just blank pages. He wakes up inside an ice cube because cutting off all of his oxygen and sending him into hypothermia seemed like Killer Frost's only way to save him from Dr. Light. Seems reasonable in that Reverse Occam's Razor kind of way.

Now Steve, Dr. Light, and Killer Frost are the only people from last issue still conscious. It's a big brawl in Central Park as Light tries to kill Steve because The Crimson Men made a deal with him. And Steve tries to talk Dr. Light out of killing him because death probably sucks.

I bet Death of the Endless always gives a sly wink whenever anybody says, "Death sucks."

The worst part about the entire battle is having to hear the sophomoric banter between the combatants. In the real world, there would only be time for swearing and underpants soiling. So that makes this is a perfect comic book scene! I guess.

Aren't all of these light powers new for him?

I'm beginning to get the feeling that Steve Trevor isn't going to save anybody from any Slash Fiction Matrix this issue. I suppose he'll secure the Lasso so that he can use it in either Justice League of America or Justice League or Forever Evil. Since the whole crisis is coming to an end, I get the feeling that important things will be allowed to happen in the two Justice League titles. Or else Forever Evil #7 is going to be 72 pages long.

Using the Lasso of Truth on Doctor Light, Steve shows Arthur that he's actually dead and that he shouldn't be pretending to be alive. Doctor Light says, "Oh yeah. Hey. Weird." Then he FAKOOOMs out of the picture, leaving Frost and Trevor and a pile of unconscious animal people. They gather up their shit and head over to Forever Evil.

Meanwhile, the Green Man puts on his Crimson Men mask and leaves the Green Room to go next door to the Crimson Room. People everywhere drop their comic books in complete shock! But!? How?! What?!!? Not the good guy is revealed to be the bad guy at the very end twist? Crazy! So what is ARGUS's new name going to be? ARGUSASUGRA? Advanced Research Group Uniting Superheroes Against Superheroes United by the Group Researching Advancements?

ARGUS #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'll admit that this drop in ranking is mostly because I was disappointed by the ending of this mini-series that I was surprised to find I was enjoying. The reveal that the Crimson Men had taken over ARGUS? That's fine. I can live with that even if it is a bit of an old standard we've all danced to before. But the fight against Doctor Light didn't really seem needed and the repartee was below par. Also, it sucks that (and this isn't the fault of the creative team) Steve Trevor couldn't finish his mission and be the hero at the end of his own series. Everything he worked for has to take place over in Forever Evil. That's a huge let down. I need a cathartic release and this comic book didn't give it to me! What do I do now? I guess I'm going to have to go steal the neighbor kid's bike and ghost ride it in front of a bus.

A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!

Cheetah #1

I spent about five minutes tilting this cover back and forth trying to look at Cheetah's boobies through the spray of blood.

Sorry, Cheetah. But you get my Birthday Post, being my first post of the day on my 42nd Birthday.

Here's the thing about Birthdays that all adults know: they really don't mean shit after the 21st. Unless you celebrate birthdays where you start getting better rates on car insurance, none of them really mean much after twenty-one. Sure, you have your Jesus Birthday at 33 (also known as "Hobbit Coming of Age"). And, I suppose, some people make grave note of their 27th birthday since that's the Dead Rock Star Age. And I suppose I have When I'm 64 to look forward to in a shitty kind of way. And you have each rolling of the digits into the next set of tens but that's just slowly rolling to the grave bullshit nobody wants to mark. So 42 is probably the last significant birthday I'll make any real note of thanks to Douglas Adams. I love many author's voices for a great variety of reasons but Douglas Adam's voice will always be like kittens running into the room. I can't help but be happy and enjoy it and smile and fall down paralyzed screaming, "KITTENS!"

I don't want to get to macabre by speaking about the slow, inevitable crawl to death that we all share and experience because I'm not the type to dwell on those things, but I did want to make note that one of the few people I've known that has died (I've had a relatively death of acquaintances free life so far) did so at 42. He was the brother of one of my best friends and he died of alcoholism. And there are times in my life that make me think of him and I suddenly miss him as if I'd known him much better than I really did. Whenever I think of a great myth about our lives, or get really hammered playing stupid games, or write some fabulously hilarious story, I'll sometimes think (or say to Doom Bunny (or sometimes Doom Bunny will say to me), "Al would have loved this." So here's to you, Al! You left us too soon because you were a selfish, drunken bastard with a wit that was still quick though dulled by Seagrams. But fuck it, aren't we all? Well, those of us that drink Seagrams!

One last thing about growing older. People often say you're only as old as you feel. That's bullshit. You know what age you really are? You're every single age you've ever been. You don't just remember what it was like to be twelve. You are twelve. And eighteen. And thirty-six. And seven. When young people tell older people that they just don't remember what it's like to be young, it's just a cruelty and a knife in the heart. We remember all too well. We still see ourselves as young. And, as I said, every age we've ever been. When I first began watching Sailor Moon in my mid-twenties, I fell in love with each of those girls not because I was a perv leering at young girls in short skirts (even though I was that because we are every age we've been!) but because I was still the same age as these characters. I was still in Junior High sitting in the library staring at Marilyn Mendoza for forty minutes until the lunch bell rang. I was still experiencing my first crushes and best new friendships and the awkwardness of growing up. It's all still in there and you never grow out of any of it. Your mind does not grow old. It just grows to encompass more experiences.

Anyfuck! That's it on birthday talk except for one last hope and wish: I hope I get some fucking cake later! Sorry, Cheetah! The floor is all yours now!

The issue begins with Cheetah running naked through the swamps of Louisiana as she escapes the destruction of Belle Reve.

For some reason, she doesn't have nipples or genitalia. Oh, that's right! Because it's a comic book!

Cheetah is being hunted by guards with big guns and no hearts. I mean, they begin with hearts but then Cheetah rips them out of their chests and eats them. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be horrible or endearing! Sometimes I need help navigating the intricacies of social interactions. I sometimes have to use clues that I've written down in a big book that I've memorized like The Black Hand to help me remember how I'm supposed to act around people given the location and situation. Like here, I know that this is Villains Month, so I'm fairly certain that she just did a bad thing by eating the hearts of these men. But then again, I love nature shows and she's just obeying the instincts of her true nature, and you can't fault her for that.

On her way to wherever she's going (it feels to me like she's headed to Chicago to kill her shitty father but the man hunting her to bring her back into custody is going to Idaho where her Aunt lives), Cheetah has a dream about stabbing Wonder Woman in the chest. It's hard to interpret what that means since it's such a common dream. But apparently Cheetah was raised to be knowledgeable in the ways of the Amazon. Except her Aunt didn't really know the ways of the Amazon as well as Barbara thought she did. Barbara told Wonder Woman, "I'm like totally an Amazon and shit!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Totes? Then why are you acting like a total poseur loser?" And Barbara was all, "I'm going to kill you bitch!" And Wonder Woman was like, "Unh-uh!" And then the cows woke up Cheetah.

Detective Mark Redshirt arrives at Aunt Lyta's (as in hippo!) Amazonia Ranch for Poseur Amazons to warn them because Cheetah is so fast she's already been to Chicago and killed her father. It happened off panel! But now this Detective is going to try to set foot on Amazonia Ranch which probably won't be easy because of his penis.

I'm not sure she can hear him over the sound of his testosterone.

Detective Shaw is allowed to enter Paradise Ranch because these Amazons aren't as strict as I thought they were going to be. I should have remembered that they're doing it all wrong and don't know anything of the real Amazonian Culture which never lets a man step on Paradise Island. Except maybe that one time they let Vandal Savage and Jason Blood do it. And maybe Steve Trevor although I can't remember if that actually happened or not. I think that happened off panel too.

Detective Shaw finds nothing amiss at Paradise Ranch and Lyta declares she'll be safe, so he decides to next look for Barbara's mother and brother. Lyta doesn't know where they are but she decides to remember a moment from her past after the question is asked.

Oh yeah. This seems like a good idea.

Not surprisingly (since I know how cause and effect work and Cheetah wouldn't be around if her brother beat her!), Barbara kills her brother and becomes her Aunt's champion. Aunt Lyta may have also killed Barbara's mom because she was jealous of her. But the story might work out better if she's still alive for Detective Shaw to find. Although I'm not entirely sure Detective Shaw is getting out of Paradise Ranch alive. Lyta is a ruthless monster that just wanted the God-Slayer Knife to become the Avatar of the Goddess of the Hunt. And she's probably a bit pissed off that Barbara used it on herself.

Except when Barbara returns with it, Lyta commands her to use it on herself. So I got that wrong! I must be slipping in my old age! But at least I got the part about the man being in big fucking trouble right!

I have this strange bias that any man in a tie would be easy to hunt and kill. Is that just me?

Lyta almost kills him but Cheetah saves his life. Actually, saving his life is incidental. She's just here to kill her Aunt Lyta so that every tie to Barbara Minerva has been cut. Only Cheetah is left.

Ha ha! Manhunter! Ironic!

Did DC really need a new Manhunter?

Cheetah #1 Rating: Cheetah was raised as an Amazonian. She was taught to love the hunt and to be a strong, independent fierce woman in a society of other strong, fierce women. So it's strange to see her Villains Month comic book usurped by Manhunter's origin story! Fucking men. Always trying to make it about them. And I should know! I'm one of them! Look how I've spent the last year and a half (I started reading The New 52 late) making The New 52 all about me!

Cheetah! Again! (as seen in Justice League)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Deborah Domaine
Occupation: Ex-Social Reformer, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: Priscilla Rich (aunt, deceased)
Group Affiliation: Secret Society of Super-Villains
Base of Operations: Mobile
First Appearance: WONDER WOMAN #274
Height: 5'7" Weight: 122 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Auburn

HISTORY
A wealthy young debutante who felt guilty about her wealth and attempted to make amends by joining ecological extremist groups such as the Organization for Ecological Sanity, Debbi Domaine found herself summoned to the deathbed of her eccentric and reclusive aunt, Priscilla Rich. But before the dying old woman could reveal her darkest secret to Debbi, Priscilla Rich breathed her last.

Recoiling from the sight of the dead woman [I love that the instant of death turns her aunt from loving relative to object of horror and disgust!], Debbit staggered back against a closet and was knocked unconscious by a mannequin that fell from within, a mannequin clad in a bizarre cat-like costume. In the last instants before darkness overcame her, Debbi saw a weird figure in a reptilian costume enter the room.

Debbi awakened to find herself a prisoner in the hidden headquarters of the would-be world conqueror known only as Kobra (see Kobra), hanging spread-eagled from the ceiling of a room filled only with sophisticated projectors [Really? So "Would-Be World Conqueror" is simply what he told all of his friends he did because "Pornographer" was too alienating?]. Kobra explained that he had originally come to enlist Priscilla Rich, who had secretly been the super-villainess called the Cheetah (see Cheetah), into his employ, but since the older woman was now dead, Kobra would have to make do with a re-creation.

Despite Debbi's protests, Kobra filled the room with holographic images, hundreds of scenes, each worse than the one before: factories polluting air and water, tankers spilling oil, hunters murdering helpless seals [As opposed to well-armed and well-trained seals.]. These scenes were calculated to fill Debbi with fury, and this, combined with her sense of helplessness and a series of electrical shocks, drove the young woman hopelessly insane.

Released from her restraints, Debbi was given a costume similar to that of her aunt, and told by Kobra that she was now the avenger of wronged nature, the savior of oppressed animalkind--the Cheetah!

At Kobra's command, the new, improved Chetah battled Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman), but when the Amazon Princess at last defeated Kobra, the Cheetah was left to her own devices, finally joining the Secret Society of Super-Villains (see SSSV), an evil organization now led by the Ultra-Humanite (see Ultra-Humanite).

At this writing, the Cheetah is incarcerated at the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane (see Arkham Asylum).

POWERS & WEAPONS
A superb athlete with cat-like grace and agility, the Cheetah is an awesome hand-to-hand combatant, less from skill than from her sheer animal ferocity. When enraged, her strength becomes almost superhuman. This, combined with the razor-sharp fingernails she wears, capable of cutting through solid steel, makes the Cheetah one of Wonder Woman's most formidable foes.

Cheetah! (as seen in Justice League)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Priscilla Rich
Occupation: Debutante [I'm fairly certain you can't actually make a career of this. Which is probably why she became a criminal to supplement her "debutante" income.]
Marital Status: Single [Darn. If she were married there would be a cheater/cheetah joke here.]
Known Relatives: Claudia Rich (cousin), Deborah Domaine (niece [Who will be profiled in the next Cheetah! entry!]
Group Affiliation: Villainy, Inc.
Base of Operations: Washington, D.C.
First Appearance: WONDER WOMAN #6
Height: 5'4" Weight: 109 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Brown

HISTORY
A wealthy young society girl possessed of an almost overwhelming inferiority complex, Priscilla Rich organize a charity benefit and became insanely jealous when more attention was paid to the guest of honor, Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman), than to herself [This is almost exactly the same reason Lex Luthor became a super villain expect it wasn't portrayed quite as catty.]. After a failed attempt at surreptitiously murdering Wonder Woman [As opposed to making a big stink about it?], Priscilla returned to her home to find her own evil persona, clad in a cheetah costume, confronting her in the mirror.

Explaining that "I am the real you--the Cheetah--a treacherous, relentless huntress," this evil persona took hypnotic control of Priscilla, commanding her to make a real Cheetah costume in her image. Then, Priscilla Rich, in the guise of the Cheetah, embarked on a life of crime.

Several times over the next few years the Cheetah attempted to kill her arch-rival, Wonder Woman, but the Amazon Princess always defeated her, returning the captive Cheetah to the Amazons' special Reform Island, in hopes of finding a permanent cure for her schizophrenia [Did Wonder Woman make the diagnosis? And is that really justice? International kidnapping?].

POWERS & WEAPONS
A superb hand-to-hand combatant and Olympic-level athlete, the Cheetah is possessed of cat-like grace and ferocity. Her fingernails are razor-sharp claws, capable of slicing through solid steel [So far from these old Who's Whos, I've discovered that female villains could kill by kissing, sex appeal, and fingernails. If I read more, I'd probably discover nagging, housekeeping, and child-bearing among their other super powers.].

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.