Saturday, January 31, 2015

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

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