Thursday, January 15, 2015

Green Lantern #38

Moments later, Hal Jordan was seen punching a homeless man to death.

I think this is the current definition of "literally": "I observed and interpreted something through my own perspective and life experience and decided it means something quite specific. Now when I explain it to you, you need to know that what I have concluded is the absolute only expression of the thing, and you probably shouldn't think about it too much yourself or make your own observations which might lead to different conclusions. Come on! Just literally believe what I said and literally don't use your own mind!" It's a prearranged attempt to evade further discussion on the subject. At least in the cases that matter! Other times, it's just somebody saying something like, "I literally traveled back in time when I heard that 70s disco tune."

I think it's also peppered into a lot of stories people tell about themselves because it just makes things sound so much more exciting. I think literally in everyday storytelling is akin to explosions in Michael Bay films. They're mostly unnecessary although they do help to distract from a poorly thought out story.

Let's begin the Cosmic Crisis Countdown Clock! This clock counts upward because I don't have any clue when the next cosmic crisis is coming. I just know that it's coming.

Cosmic Crisis Countdown Clock: 1 Issue

I'm going to begin it before even reading this comic book because I'm guessing the next crisis won't take place until after the big Convection event in April. Or whatever it's called. Maybe that will be the next cosmic crisis!

Why is Hal once again listening to the Guardians? These hippies have no authority over him!

The Bohemian Guardians look over Hal's work history and realize he hasn't taken any vacation days in three years. So they force him to take a sabbatical. They probably just want him off of Mogo long enough so they can redecorate the place and find a nice, out-of-the-way spot for their pot farm.

Hal talks his way past Earth's sentry, Guy Gardner, and is allowed to go have a few beers out of costume. But Guy insists on joining him because Guy hasn't had a good brawl with Hal in a long time. And by "with," I mean either by his side or against him. I'm sure it doesn't really matter to Guy.

Don't be so quick to assume the designated driver thing, Guy! A Muslim is just as apt to drink as a Catholic is to diddle altar boys.

After Guy runs the table while Hal sits listening to him whine about Tora's need for the bare minimum of attention and respect if they're ever going to have a relationship, Barry Allen appears in a very brief space of time. It's going to become a welcome home party! Hal has been gone a long time. I hope somebody invited Dex-Starr.

Next game, Barry moans about all the corpses still stinking up Central City after Forever Evil while Hal sits ignored at the bar. These are his best friends? I mean, Barry is his best friend and Guy is just some work acquaintance that nobody particularly likes? Can't they see their friend and work acquaintance is hurting?! His girlfriend was just stolen from him by the new kid! And by girlfriend, I mean the woman that he mostly ignored and treated like shit but whom he loved and even happened to tell her once or twice. Maybe.

On a side note, does Barry Allen give a shit about his secret identity? Does he not care if anybody notices him zipping around the pool table? Also, is this Future Barry Allen or regular old Barry Allen?!

Anyway, Barry spills some beer on some pilot who erupts into anger so Guy, logically, smashes him over the head with his pool cue.

And there it is!

After the brawl, Hal tells Guy and Barry to fuck off. But before the message sinks in, Carol Ferris appears to show off her knock-kneed thigh gap.

I guess that's the space that would be filled by her cock and balls?

Carol just came by to let Hal know that Kyle isn't everything Hal might think he's cracked up to be and that she still wants some of that good old Hal cock if he ever figures out who he is and what he really wants. Until then, she's going to be loved by the sensitive artist type. Or pretend Kyle is the sensitive artist type since he's really only a comic book artist.


Then Carol flies away with her panties on fire.

Green Lantern #38 Rating: No change. Did I set the Cosmic Crisis Countdown Clock correctly? Guy Gardner starting a brawl probably doesn't count, right? And Hal and Carol breaking up for good (with possible hints of reconciliation down the road if Hal puts in some work on himself) doesn't matter a whit to the universe. So it looks like we're good for now! Maybe while Hal is on Earth, he'll even get a chance to battle some petty, C-List super villain! Or he'll just spend all of his free time over in Green Arrow helping out Oliver.

No comments:

Post a Comment