Friday, January 9, 2015

Star Spangled War Stories #5

In this issue, Torpedo Tits gets lucky! Or, um, unlucky. One of those.

For a war comic book, this comic book sure is short on war. At least the other DC war comic books took place during wars. Or had Nazi War Wheels. Or had Kung Fu tanks, even if they were driven by ghosts. Or had a guy with "soldier" in his name, even if nobody knew his real name. This one has a zombie which, I think, makes it a horror comic book! And now judging by this cover, it's a romantic horror comic! Just sticking "G.I." in front of the word "zombie" does not make it a war comic book!

Why does DC even continue to publish "war comics"? Forget that they have to keep the trademark on the names of all of their crazy war series like Star Spangled War Stories or G.I. Combat or Men of War or whatever the other one was. Was there another one? I don't fucking remember. Anyway, modern war isn't the best mode for telling character driven stories. Now maybe if they did a story about drones, they'd have some characters that were in on all the action. It could be like one of those Pixar movies where they somehow think making the characters into vehicles makes it more interesting. Although does it? Really? Why the fuck would I want to see a bunch of cars going about their daily lives? Maybe if they did it in a more realistic and gruesome way. Like present humans entering them as some kind of bodily invasion. Or the fact that they have no agency and must go wherever and do whatever the human parasite (or rapist, if you really want to watch an appalling movie) forces them to do. Then they sit for hours on end with other enslaved cars in the blistering sun of the uncovered employee parking lot, moaning and complaining and planning for the day when some crazy magical meteorite explodes into the atmosphere and brings them all to life so they can go on a killing rampage. I think Maximum Overdrive is the logical final reel of Pixar's Cars.

When we last left the world of Star Spangled Wars, a small town in Tennessee was ground zero for a zombie outbreak. The military had been called in to stop it from spreading.

The horrors of war!

One of the soldiers asks if they even knew the rabbit was infected. The officer tells him, "At this point, we don't care. We have to establish the perimeter and work back toward the town." Excuse me. I think knowing whether or not the rabbit was infected is quite important to establishing your perimeter! If it was infected, then perhaps your perimeter isn't perimetery enough! This is the way the world ends! Letting morons run the show!

But now the world might be in for an even bigger disaster because G.I. Zombie is beginning to turn into a zombie! I think that's terrifying somehow.

Oh no! My mistake. GI Zombie was just starving to death. I guess when he gets too hungry, he just eats anybody close to him. Luckily he works for the government and they can send him meals from Death Row Delivery Services. Once he's had his fill of convicted felon and government secrecy, GI Zombie is ready and willing to shut down the rebel bikers that everybody keeps mistaking for hillbillies.

Meanwhile, Tiffany convinces the leader of the anti-government hillbillies that she's ready to play along and be part of their team. That alone should be a red flag for a cult leader. Who willingly joins a cult without out at least a little brainwashing and a sad, lonely life before being asked to join? She wants to be a part of their crazy plan to free people so that they can run their own lives? That's fucking silly! Who has the ability to manage their own fucking lives?! Who would want to? Not only is it hard and time consuming, it always ends in death! Sure, sometimes the death doesn't take place for fifty or sixty years. And sometimes the dead leaves behind a happy family and a genuinely uplifting legacy. But they're still dead! And it all started because of that singular drive to leave home and direct their own life! Can't we just be happy allowing other people to make our decisions for us? Although I suppose that still ends in death too. And before that death, you have to live in one room under your parents' roof as they constantly look at you with eyes full of disappointment and hatred? Their faces full of sorrow and regret for that one decision they made to bring your sad, sorry life into the world. And just imagine how musty your fucking bedroom smells! A fifty year old living in what was once a kid's room? Ugh! Gross! Pick up your fucking socks, you miserable bastard!

GI Zombie heads out to find Carmen or Tiffany or whatever the fuck her name was and winds up being updated by an old friend of his named Eliot.

Who doesn't miss their twenties?! That reminds me! I need to get back to watching Friends!

GI Zombie's mission is to infiltrate the Hillbilly Spa and Survivalist Bunker, find out what Tiffany knows, and then, um, get a facial, I guess. I think this comic should be called Star Spangled Spy Stories.

While GI Zombie is studying the papers with his new identity, a conflict between two men and a woman somehow winds up in his motel room. He takes the side of the woman which is the wrong side because she's the assassin out to kill the other two men for leaving the Hillbilly Suvivalists (actually, they're bikers!). After GI Zombie stops and disarms the men, the woman gets the gun back and kills everybody. Including GI Zombie. Except, you know, he can't die. So he pretends to be dead and gets a free lift back to the Hillbilly Spa and Survivalist Bunker.

Star Spangled War Stories #5 Rating: No change. Is this comic book any good? I'm not sure I can judge it since I don't find it very interesting. Based on my opinion that it's boring, I'm not really giving it a proper, unbiased critical review. It sort of feels like it could be a John Grisham thriller but replace the low level file clerk protagonist with an undying military soldier, and the evil, corrupt law firm with a rich survivalist group. Then it's practically The Firm all over again! Or one of his other books that might as well have been called The Firm as well. Okay, okay. That's not really fair! It's not like I ever read anything else he ever wrote! I have no idea what his other books are like! Didn't he also do The Pelican Brief? That one is different than The Firm, right? It has Julia Roberts as the main character instead of Tom Cruise.

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