Wonder Woman #38

Wonder Woman shows off her fancy new penis.

Last issue, Wonder Woman fans everywhere applauded the thoughtful and well-constructed return of Donna Troy! Kudos to the new creative team, the Finches! It's nice to see a Wonder Woman being handled by a writer and artist that know exactly which of her qualities they want to highlight best: her beauty! It's about Goddamned time, I (and all the Wonder Woman fans everywhere, I'm sure!) say! I'm so sick of super hero comics with unattractive female leads who don't even bother to show any skin. It's about time a creative team returned Wonder Woman to William Moulton Marston's initial character concept! Here's a quote from William that I totally didn't make up from an interview a year or so after Wonder Woman first appeared and was growing in popularity as a feminist icon:

William Moulton Marston: "I was just sitting in my office one day reading a Batman comic book and thinking, 'I'm having a really hard time masturbating to this. I sure wish somebody would create a cheesecake female character whose life was more stressful than an attractive female's life should be. Also, she'd have a wry, winking sort of sensibility to feminism.' And that's why I created Wonder Woman! Some people seem to have missed that she was satire and, well, I decided to go with the perceived version of her. Seemed to be popular amongst the girls. But still, I hope that someday a creative team will return Wonder Woman to the original concept which I first imagined sitting in my dark office with my dick in my hands and squinting in just the right way so that Robin looked like a peppy young woman."

The Finches should be celebrated and commended on finally fulfilling William Moulton Marston's dream of Diana!

Why aren't the Amazons' brothers helping battle the gigantic, veiny, biting penises?

I wonder why Meredith Finch doesn't just write a script with all double splash pages for her husband. She must realize how much he loves drawing those! They could be full of women in their twenties or thirties stepping sexily out of showers although they'd all look about fourteen so it would be kind of disturbing when it would give me an erection. I mean disturbing for the other people on the bus with me!

I've occasionally put together completely rational arguments against comic books that I found were written somewhat poorly, and one of those arguments tends to get levied at David Finch and Tony S. Daniel over and over again. They have a problem with pacing comic books that they are both writing and drawing. Since they seem to already know in their head what's happening, they don't quite tell the story coherently from panel to panel. The action skips around strangely, fight scenes make no sense, and older women look thirteen years old. It seems that when your wife is scripting the comic book and you're probably standing over her shoulder constantly asking her if she's written a scene with Diana in the shower yet, it tends to fuck up her pacing as well. Immediately after that double splash page I just scanned where Dessa is asking, "Diana, where are you?" as she battles the penises, we get these three panels:

Well, yes, actually, you fucking asshole. Telling Diana where Dessa was would have taken less words than you used to be a dick!

So Dessa is battling cock and wondering where Diana is, then you turn the page and see Diana standing in the middle of a battlefield saying, "WHA...?" Now, I've got an IQ of 28, so I understand that the battle is over and Wonder Woman arrived late and now everybody is pissed off at her and Wonder Woman was about to tell everybody about "whales" when she noticed the massacre and ended "whales" with an ellipsis and a question mark instead of an "-les." But what about readers with a lesser IQ?! I worry that they won't understand what just happened! It's so confusing! And Wonder Woman isn't even drawn big enough to truly highlight her beauty.

What?! Who the fuck are you?! She said, "Dessa!" You know, the most important Amazon after Diana and Hippolyta and Fox News Lady! Too numerous to remember names?! Everybody knows everybody on Paradise Island! How else can you keep up with all the gossip?!

Anyway, Dessa is dead and it isn't the fault of the Double Dong Dragon at all. It was Wonder Woman's fault for not being there to kill it. Fucking jerk. I'm so sick of Wonder Woman not spending every minute on Paradise Island and protecting all of the other women that need protection! So Wonder Woman decides to fill up a page in David Finch Cheesecake Style and say, "But I promise you, my friend...your sacrifice will not be in vain." Oh, so you're going to give meaning to her sacrifice? Her sacrifice doesn't count even though she helped save all of the injured while she battled the Double Dong Dragon? Only now that Might Diana is here to slay the dragon after Dessa did all of the hard work will Dessa's sacrifice count! Fuck, Diana. You're a cold hearted bitch.

I hope Donna Troy swoops down and kills the dragon and becomes Queen of Everything!

Instead Ares steps out from behind the Shaft #1 and says, "You have no control of your life!" And Diana goes, "What?! NO!" And then she wakes up in a pool of blood in her bed in London.

Well, at least she's not pregnant, I guess.

I guess the theme of this new Wonder Woman run is that it's tough being a career-oriented woman?

Meanwhile on Paradise Island (which may or may not have actually been attacked by a double dicked dragon), Donna Troy gets some clothes.

The next day, Diana has coffee with her other ex-Amazon friend, the one whose name I don't remember. She's a healer? She's, um, got short hair? And she's, you know...um, a...you know...a scarf wearer? She tells Diana that the Amazons are idiots that can't handle change and need somebody to tell them what to do. Diana says, "Well they shouldn't be!" And Hessia says, "I know, right?!" And nobody mentions the males living on Paradise Island because fuck them. It's best if we all just forget they even existed and slowly just write them out of the entire story. Also, maybe Hephaestus should show up and say, "Oh, Diana! Silly girl! You actually bought that lie I told you about the Amazons fucking sailors and then killing them and then throwing them into the ocean where the Atlanteans then fucked them and then killed them again? Ho ho! Silly woman!"

Then Hessia tries to tell Wonder Woman how to be a proper God of War so Diana storms out and stiffs Hessia with the bill.

Please! You didn't choose to become the God of War! You were as surprised as everybody else.

As Wonder Woman steps into yet a third role in her whirlwind career life, Batman begins grilling her on her other job titles. Is she really committed to the Justice League as the God of War? Can she really rule an island paradise while constantly having to answer Cyborg's summons? When is she going to have time to satisfy Clark's needs? What about her relationship with Zeke? That's certainly going to suffer! Batman doesn't think she has the chops to do it all and she's going to overload from stress, especially since she left her teddy bear in Aquaman's jet plane.

I guess when Dave tries to draw a man without lines all over his face or fish lips, he just comes out looking androgynous.

Deep within a volcano, Clark is attacked by a swarm of insects. I guess they're responsible for making villages disappear? It wasn't because of broken dams or active volcanoes? I bet it has something to do with Diana being the God of War!

And finally, back on Amazon where it looks like Dessa is fine and the Double Dildo Dragon was just an awful, bloody dream, the council comes to a decision regarding their Queen.

"She's a working woman, dammit! Cut her some slack!"

Everybody but Dessa has gotten tired of Diana not having constant press conferences and photo shoots. Half of them can't believe she didn't come out and publicly voice her condemnation for the Stymphalian Birds. And she hasn't really considered the problem of all those stinky males on the other side of the island. So they decide she's out and the woman who has yet to say anything but looks fucking hot in her armored skirt is in! All hail Donna Troy! Unless she's just like a clay puppet that has no personality to speak of. Although, really, if she's at least around for photo shoots, she's already doing a better job then Diana.

Wonder Woman #38 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm so happy that Wonder Woman is being turned into a frazzled house wife trying to have a career and a marriage and raise a child because it allows me to be as sexist as I want to be in my commentary and then blame it all on David and Meredith Finch! I wouldn't normally say mean things about Diana and the Amazons! I'm the biggest feminist on the planet! Women should totally not be shamed for wanting lots and lots of sex with guys! What guys thought that was a good idea?! Gay guys, I bet! Goddamn gay guys, always trying to keep women from putting out! Jerks! Probably so they can sidle up to us heterosexuals and say, "Oh, man. That sucks! She doesn't want everybody calling her a slut! Oh, hey! Why is my hand in your pants? You probably want that stiff, succulent mancicle taken care of, right? And since no women will do it for you, how about me, buddy? Yeah? Oh yeah!" Um, if any of that was offensive...David Finch!