Sunday, January 18, 2015

Futures End #37

John's okay. He keeps his heart in a hollowed out ruby in a sack made from the flesh of fifteen infants and stashed behind the commode.

Everybody in the House of Mystery seems surprised that Constantine isn't dead after being stabbed through the heart by Amethyst. Obviously none of them have been paying attention to anything. Constantine never dies. People near Constantine die! It is possible only Deadman is truly surprised and Zatanna is thinking, "Bah, he's just astrally projecting," and Madame Xanadu is thinking, "I knew this was going to happen."

Constantine's visit allows for Amethyst to remind everybody what happened on Gemworld for some reason. They were all there in her memory, so why is she explaining it to everybody?! The story reminds everybody that Constantine trapped the forces of Apokolips in Gemworld and saved everything. Maybe not all the forces of Apokolips but at least the forces that would have brought back Eclipso Technology to use against the Earth. But since he also trapped all the residents of Gemworld with the army of parademons, Amethyst is a little bit upset. But even though she hates him and just tried to kill him, she decides to let him help save Frankenstein. Sellout.

Why couldn't Madame Xanadu tell them this?! She's so useless!

I think I just pulled a muscle lifting a liter of Pepsi to my lips. I should probably stretch before drinking soda. I also wonder if anybody would be offended that I'm using The Holy Bible for a coaster?

I thought the "King James Version" on the Bible would be clearer. At least I'm not using that massive family Bible off to the right for my coaster! I'd need a much bigger drink for that.

On the Justice League satellite, Madison and Jason reconfigure the teleportation system so they can replicate the accident that caused them to merge. They're hoping to split and they're basing their experiment on the solid theory that one bump to the head causes amnesia while a second bump to the head fixes it. It's the oldest science in the book! Unless the book is The Bible. Good luck finding science in that thing!

While they have the teleporter in pieces, Doctor Polaris attacks Metropolis while screaming Firestorm's name. As if superheroes don't have enough trouble already being blamed for the actions of psychotic supervillains. Hopefully this will at least teach Madison to turn all of Doctor Polaris's armor bits into helium next time.

Hey! I just remembered that Jason Rusch wanted Madison to turn that cement truck into a feather but instead she turned it into a teddy bear. Feathers are organic, you jerk! She couldn't have done that even if she'd known what she was doing! At least the teddy bear she created could possibly have been made out of all synthetic materials. That whole organic/inorganic thing is a crazily arbitrary rule anyway. So Firestorm can manipulate the atoms of any element except carbon? What's so special about carbon? Maybe I'm using too stringent a definition of "organic matter" but at least things made of carbon is a rule that can be understood. It's still arbitrary though! I guess carbon bonds are just too tough for even Firestorm to break.

But then again, if we go with the carbon as organic matter rule, Firestorm can't make diamonds? Nobody would consider a diamond organic matter! So maybe Firestorm just can't change "living matter" because that would make Firestorm way too powerful and she'd be polymorphing supervillains left and right. Every villain in the DC Universe would suddenly be a duck in an adorable little costume.

Anyway, their experiment doesn't work. I bet they need Ronnie Raymond's corpse tossed into the mix.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Mercy gets tired of having to watch her tongue around Fifty Sue.

How does Mercy know nothing can survive her touch? Has she touched everything?

Seconds after this happens, everybody shits themselves as Fifty Sue and Twofer Lana Lang disappear along with the Cadmus DNA vault. I suppose Fifty Sue wants to figure out who her fifty-two real mothers and fathers are.

Then Mister Terrific gets a terrifying message from Brainiac that he's watching Mister Terrific as he lifts weights. Okay, so Brainiac is gay. That's a cool revelation. What isn't a cool revelation is that everybody is going batshit and apeshit and every other animal shit insane to be the first person in the world with a uSphere. What the hell is so exciting about new technology that is basically just old technology with one or two new features? People that line up for events at Apple Stores are fucking douches! Even if you are one of my readers! You shouldn't feel too bad about being a douche because of that though. At least you're being a douche in a harmless and inoffensive manner. I'm a douche because I call other people douches simply for doing things they enjoy! I'm a bitter old man douche!

That first guy in line had better be making money on being first in line! Either getting paid to hold the spot for some lazy asshole or maybe just holding the spot to sell to whoever wants to be the first with a uSphere badly enough. If I were the second guy in line, I'd either go home or poison the first guy. Who is going to want to hear your story about being "second in line!" to get a uSphere? I'll tell you who! Your mother!

Then Constantine gets his cigarette knocked out of his mouth by Superman and is lucky he doesn't lose any teeth. Superman is also lucky Constantine doesn't lose any teeth because Clark Kent does not make enough money to cover a fucking lawsuit. And you know Constantine knows some good lawyers that probably owe him the souls of their daughters. Constantine thinks Brainiac is going to land in Smallville while Superman just thinks Constantine is a fucking dick. He'd never say that though! Ma raised him better than that. And then she died horrifically in a car accident when he was seventeen. See where being nice got you, Ma?!

Then Terry McBatman gets punched in the face by Tim Drake and afterward Tim Drake wonders why his fist smells like vagina and gunpowder.

This is why!

Then Joker McBatman attacks everything and the comic book is over forever. Or at least until Wednesday.

Futures End #37 Rating: No change. Batman McBatman probably could have stopped Joker McBatman before he began raining bullets down on Tim and Terry but he was still trying to stuff his cum dripping, semi-hard cock back into his pants. For those who don't remember last issue, he was jerking off while watching Plastique and Terry fuck. Seriously! Maybe. Whatever. Am I not allowed to have my own headcanon where every character in the DC universe loves to masturbate?

No comments:

Post a Comment