Futures End #38

This commentary is about to get confusing! Just remember that that one is Terry McBatman and the other one is Batman McBatman and that final one is Joker McBatman. Easy peasy!

JokerMcBatman is currently trying to kill Terry McBatman so that Brother Eye's current future can remain the present's definite future and not wink out of existence the way futures never do. Or always do? It's hard to say! I probably shouldn't try to understand it logically and just understand it comic-bookally. So comic-bookally, currently, in the immediate present, only Brother Eye's future where he's taken over everything exists. That's thirty years in the future (according to the five years in the future present that is taking place in Futures End!). And that's the only future that exists right now because everything in the present (future present, not present present!) is working out exactly right for that one specific future to occur and not one of the other ones from the infinite amount of other ones that could possibly wind up existing. Forget about all of those other ones because they don't exist so there are no future people in them worrying about traveling back in time to make sure their timeline comes to fruition. That just gets too complicated and an infinite amount of time travelers would just keep appearing and making trouble for Batman. Only the bad Brother Eye future exists and it will exist until Terry McBatman changes some critical things which will make everything different somehow and, hopefully, better.

But really, who cares? If you're ever in a situation where you love your life and somebody says, "I'm going back in time to change the future!", don't chase them back in time to make sure the future doesn't change. Just say, "Okay! Bye! Have fun!" Since you're currently where you are, things worked out in the past to get you there. Nobody is going back in time to change things. If they do go back in time, you still don't have to worry because they'll just create an offshoot dimension of your dimension. They'll basically remove themselves from your system and create an entirely new system whose future will be different. But you don't have to worry about that because remember that thing about how you exist already? Paradoxes don't happen. Probably! Maybe, just in case, you should send a cyborg after them to kill everything it meets.

Actual backwards time travel has two options. Option one is that everything happens the way it happens and has always happened that way. Which means that the person from the future appeared in the past and whatever they did was just part of their past. They'll always go back in time to fix whatever they want to fix and they never do fix it because they always have the motivation to go back to fix it. This is the way time travel works on Lost and Time Crimes. Option two is that the time traveler is removed from the current timeline and winds up in a new timeline that's an offshoot of the original timeline at the point where the time traveler arrives in the past. Primer is an excellent example of this kind of time travel. Back to the Future could theoretically be this kind of time travel except I think it loses the emotion and urgency if you don't believe that Marty is acting in one timeline alone. It's a good trilogy so I'll endure its shoddy time travel theories because it mostly plays by a consistent set of rules.

But time travel is all just fiction and speculation anyway, so who am I to say there are only two options?! I'm a fucking killjoy! Especially since I didn't really support one of my favorite versions of time travel which is used in Mostly Harmless where the newfangled Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy actually manipulates the time stream on the fly so that if you need a passing ship, it just changes everything in the timeline that needs to be have previously happened to suddenly have a ship flying overhead. That's a bit more like multidimensional capabilities though. Or omnipotence!

Batman McBatman! Meet Joker McBatman!

Joker McBatman takes an exploding brick to the head so that Terry McBatman has a few moments to fill in Batman McBatman on what is going on. Batman McBatman is all, "Yes, yes. I see. That's quite plausible. Only I could possibly have been responsible for the domination of Earth. And only I could possibly save it! To T-Tech!" Then he disappears while everybody's back is turned and they're all, "Wait? What? Where do we go?" Then Batman McBatman has to reappear and be all, "Um, come on. This way."

Terry McBatman remains behind to lead Joker McBatman on a wild goose chase.

Over in Metropolis, Doctor Polaris gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Superman (Psst! It's really Billy Batson!). But Firestorm saves his life because Firestorm still needs him and Ronnie Raymond's corpse if Madison and Jason are ever going to be separate again.

Elsewhere, Grifter is having mommy issues. Most of them have to do with Twofer Lana Lang suddenly claiming to be Fifty Sue's mom. Some of them have to do with penguins.

Don't worry, this issue also deals with some daddy issues too.

it wouldn't be a DC Comic without a daddy issue theme cropping up. And this is one of the most famous cases of daddy issues!

Futures End #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. I didn't like how Terry McBatman and Batman McBatman did not get into any kind of discussion about what the fuck is going on. I suppose Batman McBatman has been spying on him long enough to take him at his word? But still! Batman McBatman just came face to face with his future self stitched onto the back of The Joker's head and all he says is "T-Tech?" and "What is going on here?" What about "How the fuck are you from the future?" and "What are you supposed to change in the past?" and "If I'm partly to blame, why didn't you come see me first?" and "That Plastique has some ass, right? *batwink, batwink, batnudge, batnudge*" and "Why is my future self grafted to the future Joker?" and "I"m not doing anything you tell me to until you explain yourself!" and maybe even a few POWS! and BIFFS! and BOFFS! for good measure.

I didn't like the Firestorm scene because it was mostly Doctor Polaris wanting Stormguard to know that he appreciated his service for the country before Polaris kills him. I did like that Firestorm decided to treat his concerns legitimately even if his debate tactics were horrendous and childlike. Sometimes punching isn't the solution, guys!

I enjoyed the scene with Fifty Sue and her new parents. They're kind of a cute family.

I didn't like that Frankenstein's favorite poet was Milton. Pee-yuke!