Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Grayson #6

Will Grayson remain the best current comic of The New 52? Or will I suddenly get pissed off at something entirely different and take it out on this comic book, thus dropping it ten ranks?! Let's see!

Dick and Helena still have two or three more pieces of Paragon the Exploded Green Lantern to recover for Spyral. Stormwatch has also been hunting for the pieces because Stormwatch is fucking weird and they probably need them to build another Century Baby for Apollo and Midnighter to raise. Spyral probably wants the parts for less nefarious purposes than that.

Dick loves hunting for pieces of Paragon because he just loves doing stuff. He's always smiling and having a good time while adventuring all over the place. Ugh, I hate him. Doesn't he ever just eat a gallon of ice cream and cry until he has so much snot running down his chin that he has to take off one of his socks he's been wearing for seven days straight to blow his nose in? Stop being so chirpy, asshole. Wipe that fucking chipmunk grin off your face and be sad already.

This issue begins with Dick and Helena exploring the ruins of a Chinese prison that was destroyed by Mother Machine way back in Blackhawks #1. I thought I was the only one that still remembered Mother Machine! Remember when I pointed out Mother Machine was probably pretty pissed off about Lady Weeds getting the job as the Avatar of Machines? Well, I said something like that! It was probably pretty funny the way I phrased it the first time. I'm laughing about it just thinking about how funny it probably was.

The prison is overrun by Land Orcas which terrifies the fuck out of my penguin, Schnabel. But Dick, being that upbeat fuck, just makes a joke about it and continues on his adventures. I hope he loses a fucking toe.

Dick and Helena are currently hunting for Paragon's brain! I hope it's in a kitten this time! Other people are also hunting for the brain! And if you have to ask who those other people are, you didn't read my opening paragraph, did you? Asshole.

I'm so super heterosexual that my first thought was, "I know, right? Helena's ass is foine!" And then I realized he was talking about Dick's ass and I was all, "Yeah, I guess I'd masturbate to that ass if it were framed in such a way that I thought it was a woman's ass. And even if partway through my masturbation I realized it was a man's ass, I'd probably shrug and just finish anyway."

Look, you can't just pick and choose which parts of my blog you want to read. If you only read the Grayson commentaries, then it's like you're reading every 52nd page of the most long-winded novel you've ever read. And you might think you understand it but how much more would you understand and appreciate it if you read the 51 pages in-between the pages you've been reading?! So from now on, I forbid you from reading only selected sections of my blog. Either read them all or go read reviews by amateur fools on Comic Book Resources or whatever other sites only review selected comics or have dozens of different people doing the reviews for all the various comic books. As the auteur, I demand you read my blog the way I want you to read my blog!

Midnighter may have just dropped by via one of the Carrier's Doors to check out Dick's ass to reload his spank bank. It seems like The Fist of Cain might have possession of Paragon's brain now. Remember the Fist of Cain? They're some gang that once almost killed Doctor Leslie Thompkins. But since they failed to do that, Spyral learned Batman's true identity from Leslie years later.

Speaking of Doctor Leslie Thompkins, I sure am glad The Whore is playing her on Gotham! Although have you noticed Morena's nose is super flat on the end? It reflects light weirdly and distracts me from staring at her longingly. I once came out of the men's bathroom at a comic convention in Portland as she was heading into the women's bathroom. I hope she pooped! It must be awkward to poop around your fans, right? How many weirdos watched her go into a stall and then just hung around straining to listen for signs of abdominal distress? I totally didn't do that at all! I walked away thinking, "Oh my God! I think I just got a whiff of Morena Baccarin's hair product!" And then I saw a guy dressed exactly like Galactus with a Silver Surfer figure circling his head and I said, "Oooooh!" and wandered off to get a closer look at that. Then a little tiny girl in a Hit Girl costume passed by and I went, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T STAND IT!" Then I saw the car to Supernatural and I went, "Whose car is that? Who are they? Super-what?"

Meanwhile in Spyral Headquarters, it turns out Cirque du Soleil runs Spyral.

While Helena interrogates a member of the Fists of Cain using her super secret Spyral hypnos spy interrogation techniques, Grayson gets invited to visit The Carrier. And he can't say no because Midnighter insists. I know a certain somebody with the power of the sun who's going to be jealous! Especially when he finds out how much Dick and Midnighter have in common.

When does Dick get an invite to join Stormwatch?

Midnighter and Grayson have that fight that everybody has been waiting for. Except everybody was actually waiting for Midnighter and Batman to fight. This is better.

Not as good as Midnighter and Dex-Starr! But since that rematch hasn't happened yet, I'll accept this as an adequate substitute.

Midnighter has the upper hand and then Dick has the upper hand and then Midnighter has the upper hand! I hope I'm doing the scene justice with my play by play! And finally, Dick gets the final upper hand! And Midnighter is all, "Whhaaaaa?! I hope nobody saw that!" Meanwhile, The Engineer is sitting spread-eagled in the monitor room furiously rubbing one out as she watches (and records!) the fight. Probably.

After the fight, Seeley and King decide that while they're busy kicking ass writing Grayson, they might as well take a moment to fix up Stormwatch as well.

Grayson #6 Ranking: No change. How come all of the other comic books aren't this good? What is wrong with everybody else? Why aren't they trying very hard? Hey DC? If all of your comics were this good, I would pay $3.99 for each of them! No wait. I change my mind! That was a stupid statement to make! But seriously though, they should all be this good, okay? Just keep them at $2.99!

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