Monday, January 19, 2015

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15

Superman and Wonder Woman are literally fucking on this cover.

I literally can't fight it any more. It's time to join the masses in embracing the overuse of "literally" to punch up everything I write. Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally the non-exaggerated truth? Add literally! Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally exaggerated truth? Add literally! Does everything I fucking write need to sound like I'm instantly literally defending it from naysayers before they've even literally read it? Add literally! Am I just literally incompetent at putting together a thought? Yes!

Last issue ended with Wonderstar revealing he was literally Magog. Did the Kingdom Come Universe literally merge with The New 52 Universe or had that happened Pre-Flashpoint so it's just a thing that everybody literally already knew anyway? Magog is literally gogaM backwards. Hmm, I thought that would be more important than it wound up being.

This issue begins literally five weeks prior to where last issue ended.

We've literally been over this five thousand times before. Yes, yes. It's the super heroes fault that your family was killed during the Apokolips invasion.

Little David Reid is literally transformed by a magic stone given to him by a red haired vixen that is literally Circe. Unless it's not but when has doubt literally ever stopped a person from appending "literally" to a statement? Who else could she be? She's hot and she does magic and there are Ionic columns behind her! Unless they're literally Doric. Or the other one.

Little David Reid literally has every reason to hate Superman and Wonder Woman. Why didn't they save his parents rather than the other person's parents they probably saved? Why did they literally allow the invasion to happen by literally saying, "Darkseid! Come invade Earth and kill David Reid's family! And that other guy's family too and give him cancer so he writes a book and then tries to literally kill the Justice League because misplaced anger and aggression makes for good comic book stories!"

So now the Justice League is literally responsible for causing the deaths of all the people that they never saved?

Magog has defeated Superman and Wonder Woman in the Palisades of New Jersey. Hey! That's literally the exact same spot that She-Hulk and Titania just battled! Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Oh! I know! Because there is literally nobody there so there is literally nobody around to blame the super heroes for causing somebody's death due to their mere existence!

Magog literally stabs Superman with his pointy weapon thing and throws him over a literal cliff. Then he literally turns around to take care of Wonder Woman.

Whoops! Magog should have literally killed Wonder Woman first.

Magog literally blasts the shit out of Wonder Woman. But Wonder Woman needs to make sure Superman is alive, so she literally flees from the battle with her tail tucked between her legs. Magog, not feeling cliché enough decides that he shouldn't kill Superman and Wonder Woman now while he has the upper hand. Instead, he needs to literally make them feel real loss. It's literally the stupidest plan any villain can come up with and yet it's literally the only one they ever do come up with.

Too bad Magog isn't around to hear Superman say, "We have to literally protect everybody from this monster!", or else he might have to think twice about his motivations for killing Superman. Wonder Woman, on the literal other hand, just wants to kill him as quickly as possible because she is the literal God of Hugs. I mean War. I keep forgetting this isn't the only version of Wonder Woman that literally matters. You remember the one? The one literally written by Gail Simone?

Speaking of poorly motivated villains, what the fuck was Jason Voorhees motivation in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Literally Lives? I know his mother's motivation was to avenge the death of her child by literally killing every camp counselor that was too busy fucking or drugging it up to watch over the kids. Then Jason's motivation was to literally kill everybody that had a job similar to those that killed his mom. But why would he literally watch a camp counselor compassionately helping out a child and doing her job the way that the others that needed to be murdered never did and then literally paint the walls of a cabin with her blood? I think Undead Zombie Jason Voorhees is conflicted.

This is literally the worst debate tactic in the history of debates and/or tactics.

Too bad Wonder Woman literally proves Magog's point by ignoring the cars full of families as she flies past them, preferring to punch Magog in the face than to save the families. Sure, she says that she does it because she knows Superman is literally there to save them. But I think she's literally worse at debate than Magog.

Magog continues to try to kill people so that they'll blame the superheroes that literally let them be killed. The problem is not everybody is literally mentally ill and don't view reality the way that Magog literally views reality. Sure, some people in the DC Universe think like Magog does. Like that idiotic cop at the end of Batgirl #1 who literally blames Batgirl for the death of a patient that The Mirror just threw out a window instead of blaming The Mirror who just literally threw a person out of a window. Holy fuck, I forgot how horrible that ending was. How come the people who literally worship Gail Simone never talk about that last panel on the last page of Batgirl #1?! It was literally the worst. I might be using literally incorrectly now because I also remember reading Grifter #1 and that one might have had nineteen more pages literally worse than that single Batgirl panel.

Calling the people you're trying to convince of your argument literal sheep probably isn't helping your cause.

Then Circe shows up to tell Magog that his plan is literally the dumbest plan in the world and that they should probably just kill Superman and Wonder Woman right now.

Jesus Christ, Peter J. Tomasi. I fucking trusted you and you literally took my trust and had your deviant way with it. My trust literally looked up to you as a father figure and you took advantage of that trust to satisfy your disgusting needs! What are you fucking doing to this comic book? Do we really need another fucking villain that's literally just a crying baby searching for somebody to blame since the real people to blame are dead? I literally blame all fucking Americans for this kind of thinking. "Protect me! Protect me! Oh, you didn't protect me so now I'm going to sue you!" Fucking mewling beshitted screaming brats. Go literally fuck yourselves. All of you!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. That's literally how all of you assholes sound. Now get the fuck off my lawn. Seriously though. You're literally kicking the new grass seed everywhere.

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