Batman Eternal #40

The first Bat-villain Batman is going to kill is this asshole because can he be more pompous?!

Typing "can he be more pompous" reminds me that I haven't been watching Friends! I guess it's just not must watch television! I mean, I suppose maybe it's superb entertainment for folks of average intelligence. They probably instinctively understand the crushing weight of every scene, straining under the weight of every layer of meaning packed into every line and every bit of character interaction. But some dumb jerk like me? It's just a stupid show about a bunch of idiots with an annoying laugh track! I'm trying to delve into the "art" of the show but I'm straining the limits of my below average intelligence! Chandler says something snarky and I'm still sitting there trying to figure out how his non sequitor was construed as a joke by the uproariously cackling studio audience and I wind up missing the Literal Potato Sack's next whine and moan session! This must have been one of those sitcoms people taped and rewatched two or three times so they'd be ready to discuss it at work the next day. But me? Fah! It's fucking too far above my low brow sensibilities.

But comic books! Those are right up my fucking alley! And by alley I mean lubed up asshole! Get up there, Batman! I feel the need for ejaculation! Too bad ejaculation doesn't rhyme with need! That would make a pretty clever thing to say around other people and they'd nod their heads and grin like idiots. They might even try to high five me which I'd do uncomfortably even though I'm against high fiving adults. But I'm more against leaving people hanging because what would they think of me?! I've been trying to get "Show me the syrup!" to catch on with the regulars down at The Original Pancake House but they all just snort and change their expressions from mild interest in their breakfast to fiercely annoyed at who the fuck knows? I can't read minds!

This issue begins with Batman covered by snow since The Riddler triggered an avalanche in a desperate attempt to get away from Batman. Does Batman have a Bat-St.-Bernard? Does the Riddler have a "When is a large predatory feline that roams the North American countryside not a large predatory feline that roams the North American countryside?" Did you like that riddle? Those are the kinds of riddles people with below average intelligence come up with!

Before I continue reading, I'm going to take an online IQ Test at IQtest Dot Com! I hope I score at least an C! I wonder if I'm being penalized for stopping in the middle of it to type this? Why should I be?! Smartyness isn't about quickening!

And I'm done! Here are my results!

That's okay, right? There were thirty-eight questions so I must have gotten twenty-eight of them correct! That's a low C! Which is below average, just like I assumed! Darn! I was secretly hoping to be a genius!

Good thing writing ability has nothing to do with intelligence! It's like when dumb people see smart people and always tell themselves, "Well, he ain't got street smarts, I tell you what! He ain't got no common sense neither!" When I hear people say that, I always think, "Yeah, but you ain't got those things either, dumb dumb! At least that person has intelligence!" And then I write a story about it that would probably totally wow the public if I could just get it past those lazy publishers and their inability to spot talent when it arrives in an envelope and sits on their desk and even comes with a five dollar bill to help grease the wheels.

Anyway, back to Gotham city where the Bat-Villains are splitting up all of Batman's gear.

Ha ha! He was going to say doing it! Catwoman and Batman love doing it!

Catwoman tells the others that they're being foolish taking candy from strangers and making deals with devils that won't even show themselves. But the other Bat-Villains are all high on sugary weapons and don't want to listen to Catwoman. So Firebug kills her. Or attempts to kill her. Or yells at me for calling him the wrong name. But he forgets that her name is Catwoman and everybody knows the saying, "Cats always dodge rocket propelled grenades."

Up in the snow-capped peaks of the mountains outside Gotham, Batman drags Riddler out of the snow and takes him back to the Batcave. Maybe he can share the cell with Hush!

Blackgate no longer takes criminals apprehended by The Batman, The Batman! Somebody's not thinking clearly.

Back in Gotham, the Bat-Villains head out to engage in a crime spree to rival the last dozen or so crime sprees to hit the streets of Gotham. Clayface puts on one of Batman's dirty costumes and decides to be Batman for a bit. Since he has the mask on, I don't know if he turned into Bruce Wayne because there was a loose pube still in the suit or if he just turned into Roger McAnybody. Catwoman watches them all head off and then does some World's Greatest Detective work of her own. Usually she only investigates the World's Greatest Dick's dick but today she's on Spoiler's case! She's found out that there is an abnormally high hit on Cluemaster's daughter and figures that she must know something. At one hundred millions dollars, it must be something super juicy! And according to the Preview Issue of Batman Eternal in the pages of Batman #28, Catwoman is going to catch her! And Harper Row is going to become Bluebird! And Seline Kyle is going to own the Gotham Underworld! That part is already almost true, so we must be getting close to when that story takes place.

And finally Jim Corrigan and an unconscious Maxie Zeus slip out of a sewer outflow pipe and back into the story. Just in time for Night of the Living Nanobot Teenagers!

Batman Eternal #40 Rating: No change. When does Batman make a call to one of the psychic or magic heroes of the DC Universe and begin reading people's minds to find out what the hula hoop is going on?! J'onn J'onzz could have this whole thing sorted in one issue! My wallet sure would thank him.