Futures End #35

For a moment, I thought Plastique was kissing the half-Joker-faced Batman.

Some jerko keeps trying to tell me how to read Red Hood and the Outlaws every time I trash it! As if I don't understand what I'm reading! What am I? Some kind of dumb dumb?! No, I'm sorry, Tsetsemymy (or whatever your name is!)! I like to read well written stories where the author has put some thought into the characters. "Angsty teenager with problems and a troubled past" isn't a particularly well-fleshed out character, especially when it can be used to describe each one of your characters ("But that's what bonds them," shouts Zizzyzzizzypit!). I guess I could not care about the ability of the author and contort my mind by rationalizing every shitty moment in the book as insightful. But why should I put more work into reading the book than the writer put into writing it?! One thing I can admit: the problem is my problem! I suppose I could think of "horrible writing" as Lobdell's "style" and just enjoy the book for the mindless piece of garbage it is. Or I could just get a fucking lobotomy.

Why did I even bring up Red Hood and the Outlaws? Now I'm angry! And Futures End is going to pay for it! You better be written well this week, Futures End! Because I've got a souvenir mini-baseball bat and I'm not afraid to use it. Repeatedly!

That threat would work better if Futures End had legs or a lower back.

This issue begins with Firestorm battling Doctor Polaris. Now I feel like I need to defend how well each character has been defined! But I don't want to! I could if I wanted to though which means I guess I need to or else nobody will believe me. First off, Firestorm has flaming hair while Doctor Polaris has a Galactus Hat on. See how well differentiated they are already? One is red and the other one is purple. One is male and incorporeal while the other is female and very, very corporeal. Although part of Firestorm isn't corporeal at all which means he and Doctor Yamazake are almost interchangeable! Luckily the writers thought of that and made one black while the other is Japanese. Whew! That was a close one! This comic book was almost as bad as Red Hood and the Outlaws.

Red Robin alias Tim Drake alias Gary Crockerjock or something has noticed the big super hero battle and is rushing in to save the day (even though he has no super powers). But what he does have is a cock which Madison doesn't have which means, in comic book terms, she is going to need saving (even though she has lots and lots of super powers). That's just the way things work in comic books! Don't blame me for explaining them to you.

Doctor Yamazake sends a tiny shard of metal through Firestorm's chest. But he probably should have hit the Biology books a bit harder while he was getting a doctorate because he misses all of her most important internal organs like the one that pumps all of her blood and the one where the soul is kept. But it does hurt enough that she crashes to the ground like a great big flaming damsel in distress.

Don't worry! I'm sure his machismo will only get him in trouble and then Madison will have to save him.

Firestorm blasts Doctor Polaris and destroys his armor leaving nothing behind. Because he's a ghost, remember?! A ghost with the power of magnetism! Madison saves Cal and deposits him in the grass where he can dream that he saved the day.

Is Jason Rusch realizing he likes kissing guys? Just a little bit too late though now that Ronnie's dead.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Sequel (alias Fifty Sue alias Godmonster) tries to bond with Twofer Lana Lang by threatening her with death. Sequel thinks of Twofer Lana Lang as her mother so that's pretty much the exact way to go about that. At least from my experience growing up around my mother and my sister. And it seems to work insomuch as Twofer Lana Lang isn't scared of Sequel anymore, so the death threats fall on deaf, and tired, ears.

If you're tired of hearing me refer to the people of Earth-2 as Twofers because it sounds so racist, then you're in the right mindset. I'm just siding with the correct side to side with! DC Comics has told me time and time again that the characters on Earth-Main-Earth are the characters we should care about. And I'm not going to besmirch Lana Lang by treating Twofer Lana Lang as a replacement! She's not fit to wear the shoes of Earth-Main-Earth Lana Lang! I mean, technically, the shoes would fit perfectly. But metaphorically, she needs to keep her smelly Twofer feet out of them!

See? Sequel agrees! Is agreeing with Fifty Sue a good thing or a bad thing?

Twofer Lana Lang slaps the shit out of Sequel and the audience gasps! Some of the audience probably cheered but Fifty Sue winked them out of existence and now nobody even remembers them or their horrible cheering ways. Twofer Lana demands that if she's going to be Sequel's mother, Sequel is going to have to start listening to her and do as she says. No eight year old is going to push a grown woman around! Even if the eight year old is from Earth-Main-Earth and the grown woman is from Earth-2 and everybody on Earth-Main-Earth would be okay with the little girl being in charge. But Fifty Sue wants a mother, so she allows Twofer Lana Lang to take on the role, slaps, lectures, knitted socks for Christmas, and all.

Maybe this is all Batman needs to do to Jason Todd! Slap him and give him this speech! No wait. I think Alfred should do this to Bruce!

Aboard the Carrier, Ray Palmer and Amethyst have a philosophical discussion about Frankenstein's living undeath situation. His dead flesh has been healed by the Nth Metal which has only allowed him to be killed. Although nobody is pointing out how the Nth Metal brought Hawkman back to life. Why doesn't it want to bring Frankenstein back to life? Or is it restoring him to death since that would be restoring Frank's body parts to their original state?

Father Time might be able to help but he's pouting in a jar next to a facehugger in a jar. That sounds like an Odd Couple sitcom waiting to happen.

Amethyst takes Frankenstein because this sounds like just the kind of Quest a magical fantasy character like Amethyst should be going on! Ray stays behind to figure out how Stormwatch and SHADE, the two organizations he now leads, are going to defend Earth against Brainiac when he arrives.

And in New York City, all kinds of hell breaks loose.

Batman was caught listening to podcasts when he's supposed to be solving mysteries.

Terry McBatman rescues Plastique while Batman McBatman battles Joker McBatman. Some kissing happens between the two characters you'd expect it to happen between. No, you idiots. The two kissing on the cover! After that, Batman McJoker asks Joker McBatman to kill the Batman McBatman. But he refuses because time paradox, duh!

Futures End #35 Rating: +1 Ranking because I really thought the scene between Fifty Sue and Twofer Lana had some oomph and some bozizzle. I hope those mean what I want them to mean.