Green Lantern Annual #3

Does DC really think every comic book cover's "The New 52!" deserves the exclamation point? Really?

I guess just Robert Venditti got to write the end of Godhead. At least that should keep the wrap up coherent. Hell, it's kind of sad that I'll be happy with merely coherent! I really want to be amazed by the way the Lanterns pull off a victory! I want to be left picking my pants up off the floor and saying, "Golly gee whiz, that was pretty darn clever of them." Then I'll nod appreciatively, slip my dick back into my underwear, and pass out on the floor next to my semen caked and drying in the fibers of the rug.

Ugh, you know what. That was a horrible image with which to begin my "review!" I apologize to everybody for putting that image into the world. I would never ejaculate right onto the carpet! I've got a crusty towel for that. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm so pent up that I overshoot my mark and splash semen across my comic book boxes or the cat tower or, if she's unlucky, the cat herself. But I do try desperately to not masturbate directly into the carpet! What am I? Some kind of vile, filthy animal?

I'm sure glad none of my family care enough about me to read my blog! How embarrassing if they were to read these accounts of my life! I mean, obviously they're all fictional! But still, I don't need my mom thinking that my apartment is covered in jizz.

Speaking of my mother, I should probably call her tomorrow and wish her a Happy New Year!

This issue begins where Green Lantern last left off and hasn't been mentioned in any of the other Godhead Chapters. Hal Jordan and Black Hand are still confronting Orion at the Source Wall. Black Hand had just discovered that the Source Wall was a gigantic graveyard. Anybody else get the feeling that he's going to have them join the Black Lanterns?

And isn't this where Futures End: Green Lantern #1 began?! With nearly this exact same situation minus Orion?!

Oh great. If I have to hear Relic whine about Peak Spectrum Light one more time, I'm going to eat some cookies. Because that will help me get over having to listen to that windbag.

The BOOM Tube that opens at the Source Wall is the one which Sinestro flew into in Sinestro #8. But before Highfather's armies can march into the BOOM Tube like they did in the last panel of Sinestro #8, Metron informs Highfather that the BOOM Tube opened in the wrong location. Whew! I was worried The New Gods didn't have that kind of safety technology. Sinestro grabs up Hal Jordan and company and they all return to New Genesis for the upcoming peace talks.

Black Hand's Source Wall Army begins the negotiations by slaughtering dozens of Highfather's best men. Highfather counters by standing in shock and saying, "This is madness!" Black Hand escalates the talks by isolating Lightray and trying to convince him that he's lucky to have had such a limited role in this series. Orion doesn't care for that tactic and blows the brains out of Black Hand's tallest soldier. After that point, the whole peace talk thing kind of falls apart.

The other Lanterns use the diversion to wait around for the Bohemian Guardians to reveal their plan. So far, all they've revealed is that Kyle Rayner didn't lose the Life Equation to Highfather. Well, that's not much of a plan.

And then Black Hand's army begins to resurrect which is the worst news because now Relic is going to start bitching again.

No! You shut up, Relic! No more pseudo-scientific theories from you!

Guy, Simon, and John free the rest of the Lanterns from the Singularity Stockade as Kyle fights a battle of wills to wrest the White Light back from Highfather. Lots of things get punched along the way.

And then Hal finally comes along to say what everybody else has been saying but in just that right tone of voice to get Highfather to listen.

What? Darkseid? That's crazy!

The Bohemian Guardians still haven't mentioned their plan. So Kyle decides to come up with his own plan once Highfather gives back the Life Equation because he doesn't want somebody else calling him Darkseid. That was just mean and it really hurt his feelings.

Kyle turns into a white light being and flies up into the sky to tell everyone the good news about The Source Wall. Saint Walker watches and says something like, "I hope this works!" And then the Blue Ring goes, "What? Hope? You show great hope dude! Wear me!" And Saint Walker is all, "Get on my cock, gorgeous!"

The Source Titans hear the good news and depart for more Source Wallian places. But that still leaves New Genesis plummeting out of the skies! Who can save The New Gods?! Or, as Sinestro puts it, "Who the fuck would want to save these assholes? Let's finish them now!"

Luckily for the New Gods, nobody ever listens to Sinestro.

All could have been well Goddamned months ago, you slacker!

With Saint Walker's help (and hardly anybody else's!), Hal Jordan puts New Genesis down safely on the ground. Everybody lived! Well, everybody with a name that's seen as somewhat important lived! The war is over! And all it took was for somebody to call Highfather Darksied!

Hmm. My jaw is not on the floor. Nor are my pants! And I'm not saying anything about the resolution being clever! What's going on? This was the big surprise finale, right?! Is there more to it somehow?

Spit on him, Hal! Spit right in his mouth!

Hal accepts Highfather's apology and they become allies in the fight for good. Or something. Whatever. Fuck these stupid cosmic crises! From now on DC, before beginning a cosmic crisis, write the ending. Have your writers come up with a fucking fantastic, crazy amazing solution to the threat! That way when somebody pitches a story, it doesn't wind up being "The New Gods battle all of the Lantern Corps for control of the Life Equation so that Highfather can defeat Darkseid. But when Hal Jordan finally calls Highfather Darkseid, he realizes the error of his ways and everybody makes peace." Does that sound like the appropriate solution to a fucking war? No it fucking does not!

Here's my version of Godhead for free:

Highfather: "I must stop Darkseid at all costs!"
Hal Jordan: "You're Darkseid!"
Highfather: "*spit take* WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

The entire series ends with Mogo finally getting his ring back and not saying, "What the fuck? You can't let me borrow one of the fucking Peak Spectrum assholes' rings? They aren't even using them! Or you couldn't fucking create a ring for me the way Sinestro created one for Hal? Fuck you guys! Fuck you right in your tiny little orifices! I'm taking my planet and I'm going home."

And on the final page, some big clawed hand breaks out of the Source Wall and a tag line says, "Coming in 2015: Another fucking Cosmic Crisis!"

Green Lantern Annual #3 Rating: Writers need to learn how to end things.







Um. Was that an acceptable ending?!