Harley Quinn #13

Harl E. Quiyote!

Boo! Hiss! Life!

Now that that's out of the way, comic books!

Remember how I ended my commentary on issue #12 by saying be here next issue when The Clock King gets his clock cleaned or The Sportsmaster courts disaster? That was pretty clever! I mean, the clock cleaned line is a gimme. But that "courts disaster" thing is the pizza of the resistance! If a publisher that wanted to purchase some books and they happened to read that line, they would have thought, "I should throw money at this person prompto!" So if any publishers missed it last time, there it was again! So clever! What a way with words that guy (me!) has!

Anyway, this issue begins with the Clock Queen about to get his clock kinged and the Courtsmaster sporting disaster! Gosh! So, so clever!

Shouldn't Sportsmaster be sticking to sports-related weapons? This seems like a cheat.

According to the rules and stipulations of comic book naming etiquette, Sportsmaster really should not be using a nuclear missile. Maybe if he placed a bomb in a badminton birdie or a jart or something, I'd totally be for it! I'd be all, "Oh yeah! Spike that birdie right into Power Girl's bosoms!" Or "Toss that jart way up into the air where it will most likely kill somebody exactly like it must have been designed to do because...hoo boy! Have you ever played that game? And lived to tell the tale somehow?!"

Can you believe kids today (and probably yesterday too!) have to wear helmets whenever they do anything that could possibly result in falling down. Even just standing up now, I think, like if you're in school or somewhere because who wants to get sued by a bunch of asshole parents who think their precious snowflake actually has something in its head that needs protection? But when I was growing up, parents actually purchased Jarts for us to play with. And not with adult supervision! Oh no. They shoved the box into our arms and said, "Get the hell out of my face! I don't want to see you back in this house before dinner is on the table!" And by "on the table," I mean in a McDonald's bag getting cold. Then we would go out to the school field across the street (or fifteen blocks away. Whatever! It was all the same, really!) and proceed to play with the Jarts in any way we could think of except the way the rules said we should play with them.

You know what one of my favorite games was as a wee lad? Kicking beer bottles at other beer bottles in the Redwood lined edges of the junior high school near my house. The mini-woods were full of bags of empty beer bottles left there by drunken teenagers. I probably caused dozens of severe lacerations over the years by littering the undergrowth with busted beer bottles. Not that they were really beer bottles! I mean, they were! But my cousin Jason and I pretended they were ships trying to sink each other by ramming into the other ship's broadside. That game was fun. But Jarts was probably more fun! Although throwing shurikens at each other as we stood against the garage door was fun too! Although nothing beat riding Big Wheels down the steep sides of Steven's Creek!

Helmets! Ha!

I wonder if not being able to remember names or come up with the exact words I'm looking for has anything to do with not having worn a helmet ever? Probably not!

The Clock King can time travel!? At least that's expected form a guy with that name! Take some notes, Sportsmaster!

So now a thermonuclear device has gone off in New York City! J. Jonah Jameson is going to be pissed if Peter Parker didn't snap a picture of it! I hope Superman doesn't find out that Power Girl was at Ground Zero or he might have to come lecture her about not taking the proper steps to stop the blast. He'll be all, "You sure remind me a lot of my irresponsible cousin! Did I mention she's a girl which is why I think she's so irresponsible? Hey, do you want to have sex with me? And if your answer is yes, which I think it might be or why would you be showing me so much bosom, right?, then could you wear this Batman mask?"

Thanks to Clock King's time travel tricks, he and Sportsmaster escape! Which leaves Power Girl and Harley Quinn plenty of free time to go back to their old life (which wasn't really Power Girl's old life but shh! Don't tell her because if we all stay really, really quiet and let Harley and Tony trick her, we might get to read about Power Girl and Harley Quinn having sexual relationships!).

Who ordered the Sex Omelet?! Hmm, probably everybody! Why would there even be anything else on the menu?

While Power Girl puts on her show which involves lots and lots of Spider Monkeys (which also reminds me I'm falling behind on my Friends watching!), Harley Quinn catches a news report on television that Clockmaster and Sports King are looting a sports store in Times Square.

Somehow Harley winds up in Central Park flirting with a mugger. She's all, "Look at my boobs!" And he's all, "Um, what?" And she's all, "Look at my butt!" And he's all, "Um, hokay!" And then he's defeated! After that little trip down tits and ass lane, Power Tits and Ass arrives hauling Sportsmaster and Clock King behind her! But they're not through putting up a fight yet! Sportsmaster still has some cheating tricks up his sleeve!

Although maybe that wrist blaster thing is regulation in Jai Alai?

After the case is wrapped up and Clock King wonders what happened to make him go from super serious character in Green Arrow to big joke in Harley Quinn, Power Girl asks Harley Quinn to fill in the gaps in her memory. Uh oh! That means Harley Quinn is going to have to make up a whole bunch of hysterical lies!

While Harley makes up her lies, a bird poops on Power Girl and she gets her memory back. Is anybody else beginning to think Amanda and Jimmy have some kind of Scheisse fetish? Is anybody else beginning to feel nauseated thinking about their honeymoon?!

But in the end, everything ends! And Chad Hardin says something nasty in French! About your mom!

Harley Quinn #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. Plus one for how much fun I've had adventuring with Harley and Power Girl. And plus one for the art because I really do adore Chad Hardin's style. I said as much when he first began working on Demon Knights! I hope Harley has lots and lots of guest stars! And I hope she even gets to do it to some of them!

Oh Christ, I think I'm going to hurl!