Justice League #38

The ability to turn his clothing into peanut brittle?

I'm going to become as great a detective as Batman! It shouldn't take too long because I don't mean to become the greatest martial artist or the greatest thrower of boomerangs or the greatest gravelly voiced, self-righteous asshole. I'm just going to be learn how to detectivate! And to get started, I'm going to read this:

It looks like Trixie Belden's first step in solving any mystery is to drop acid.

I don't currently have any acid so I'll have to learn to solve mysteries straight-edge style! Anyway, if I did drop some acid, the recursion on this cover would fuck me up. "But the girl on the book is reading this book! And it has a picture of herself reading the book that she's on the cover on! How have I not needed to pee for the thirteen straight weeks I've been looking at this cover?"

The inside cover blurb says, "So sharpen your pencils and your wits and join America's favorite girl detective for mystery, adventure—and fun!" Is Trixie Belden really America's favorite girl detective? What about Nancy Drew? Or Velma? Or the gayer Hardy Boy?

Lesson One is about Fingerprints! It's introduced with a cute little scene:

Trixie's "friend" Honey slips comfortably into the chair beside Trixie and hands her a book on fingerprints as she casually strokes Trixie's inner thigh. "Chick this shit out, bitch." Trixie picked up the book and casually, so as not to offend her friend, moved Honey's hand away from her sweetest of spots. "Hey, Honey! Did you know this fact I just learned about identical twins?!" Honey grinned mischievously and said, "You know it, Darling."

Then there's a ten question quiz to see how much you know about fingerprints! I'm no Batman but I want to learn to be like him, and if you do as well, take the test with me!

Answer True or False.
1. Fingerprint patterns are formed before birth. I say that's true! God thinks them up and then stamps them on the baby before he shoves it up the mother's vagina while she's sleeping.
2. Only on the fingertips can we find the ridge designs that make prints. False! Notice the quiz didn't end that sentence with "fingerprints"! It's kind of a trick question! Because my toes make prints too! I'm looking at them right now as I chew off this huge, yellow toenail!
3. Although no two fingerprints are alike, they all follow a few basic patterns of whorls, loops, and arches. False! Are those the technical terms used by detectives? What about rings and spirals, fairy bladders and duck spunk?
4. Identical twins have identical fingerprints. False! Their fingerprints are mirror images of each other! And the one whose fingerprint whorls go counter-clockwise is the evil twin!
5. A print on the left forefinger is the same as the print on the right forefinger of an individual. False! I'm looking at my own fingerprints and they're mirror images of each other! Like with twins! My left hand is evil! I hope it's not cheating looking at your fingerprints during the quiz.
6. If an injury to a fingertip causes a scab to form and fall off, the print always grows back in the same pattern. True! Law enforcement wouldn't even bother taking fingerprints if this were false! And criminals would constantly have bleeding fingertips. If it were true, you could just catalog all of the people that purchased belt sanders!
7. If one finger on a hand has a loop pattern, the other fingers all have loop patterns. False! My index has loops but my middle finger has arches and my third finger has whorls! I guess my pinky has duck spunk.
8. Some persons, unable to write, have "signed" wills and contracts with their fingerprints. Who cares? Why is this question in the quiz? It doesn't help me become a better detective! Unless, I guess, it shows that fingerprints are unique and can easily identify individuals. So, um, true! Don't be mad at me, Trixie Belden!
9. Ridge designs that make the prints have remained on fingers months after the person has died—and they have been used as clues. True! So don't try robbing my house, you dumb zombies.
10. A criminal who has had skin grafted to his fingertips to make them absolutely smooth need never worry again about being arrested on the basis of fingerprint evidence. True! As long as they don't spend hours in the bathtub where they'll get their fingerprints back.

The answers are:

1. True. I knew it!
2. False. Ha ha! Easy peasy!
3. True. I guess I was wrong about the fairy bladders and the duck spunk designs.
4. False. Bingo!
5. False. I got it right by detective work and not cheating!
6. True. Move over Robin!
7. False. Once again, correct by using deduction! Or seduction, maybe?
8. True. Winner, winner, vegan dinner!
9. True. I knew zombies were real!
10. False. What?! No way! The answers have a bogus story about a cop noticing a guy with no fingerprints and investigating him due to his suspicions which uncovered the man's criminal history. Bah! That's not being arrested due to fingerprint evidence! That's due to being arrested because of a cop that is breaking the fucking law and harassing somebody just because he didn't like the cut of his jib!

I'll take another lesson the next time I'm reminded that I want to be like Batman. I got 8 out of 10 right which is like 90%! With that score and an IQ of 28, I'm practically Sherlock Holmes already.

Now that I'm a Detective in Training, I have found a clue that tells me Geoff Johns doesn't know the definition of the word "conversely."

Batman has become infected with the Amazo Virus and can now unleash a Sonic Bat Scream. He uses it to defeat Patient Zero and humiliate Superman and Wonder Woman who were getting nowhere trying to subdue the monster.

Batman now has all the powers that a person would expect from somebody named "Batman" like echo-location. Batman decides that the Amazo Virus must base the super powers on the psychology of the person infected which is why Batman can now echo-locate like a bat. But Batman also says he's now blind so either Batman is dumb or Geoff Johns is because bats aren't blind at all! This is the kind of hooey I'd expect from an Ann Nocenti book! Batman does know bats fly, right? So he should be able to fly! Unless he only gets the one power which we'll call "Bat-Sense" since it seems to include blindness and echo-location which seem like two things to me but what do I know? Also, how did Batman not go deaf when he knocked out Patient Zero with his echo-location blast? Shouldn't it have come back at him?

Oh, maybe that's what's going on in this panel! He's being hit by his bounced back sound waves. Or he drank too much Bat-gin.

On the opposite page is the advertisement for Constantine's season premiere. You know what would have been better than constantly running ads for a show from October 24th, DC? How about running ads of when Constantine was going to return from its mid-season break the way you ran ads for The Flash and Arrow? I just happened to catch Constantine last Friday already on at 8:10 PM because I was getting ready to set up the Channelmaster to record it at 10:00 PM. And it wasn't the second half of the story that ended the season finale, so I guess I missed an episode the week before! You know what that tells me? No advertising for its return and changing the time when it did return? The show isn't getting another season. Fuckers. Just as it seems to be finding its groove! Felix Faust as villain with the Chaz back-story stuff was a good episode!

Batman collapses so Superman and Wonder Woman fly him and Patient Zero back to Luthor so he can save everybody. But speaking of Luthor, he was shot in the head at the end of last issue. But off-panel, of course, which means he wasn't actually dead. My guess was that Captain Cold protected him with an ice shield.

Yawn. Of course.

Just because I guessed that and every other major plot point in The New 52 since it began (probably! I wouldn't bother fact checking that statement because you'd just waste your time realizing it's true. Plus, just because it hasn't yet been revealed that Harvest is actually Vampire Tim Drake from the future, it doesn't mean he isn't), that doesn't mean I still guess everything that will happen in a comic book. Especially silly bullshit like this:

One winter it was so cold in Nebraska, I ran outside my front door and broke my nose on the air. True story!

Luthor needs to find out why people are trying to assassinate him, once over in Batman Loves Superman and twice in Justice League. So he wakes Neutron, the assassin that knocked over the vial containing the Amazo Virus and started this whole mess, from his coma to ask him some questions like, "Why did you try to kill me?" and "Why doesn't anybody love me?"

Before he can get any answers, Superman and Wonder Woman arrive with Patient Zero and Infected Batman. Luthor quickly wipes away his tears and begins working on the cure.

It takes Lex about thirty seconds to admit he can't cure anybody with this guy's blood and that he needs Superman's blood because Superman has already developed antibodies to the virus. He developed them four years ago when Luthor used it against him like a big jerk. Superman wastes more time being upset that Luthor wasted so much time before admitting to his subterfuge.

Who cares if Lex is lying, Superman? He has a completely valid excuse to try to protect the world against Phantom Zone escapees. Why should anybody trust you to take care of it? Especially when we've already seen how well that works out. It's like other countries having to rely on America to defend them as America gives them a big old shit-eating grin and says, "Trust us."

And then everybody comes out of their comas and begins talking like they are Legion because they're all now controlled by the Virus which is apparently some kind of hive mind single entity thing.

Justice League #38 Rating: No change. Oh! I've seen this kind of thing before in Detective Comics where Batman had the antibodies inside him that could save everybody in Gotham so he had to fly above them and pee all over everybody. So that's how Superman can save the world! He can drink a whole bunch of lemonade and then fly super fast all around the world with his cock hanging out and spraying his super urine into everybody's mouths! You probably don't even need to read Issue #39 since my track record of guessing plots is 100%.