Batman #38

The Flash is a dick.

Last issue, things fell apart. The Joker cut off Jim Gordon's head (probably!) and called Batman on his personal number. He began the conversation with a friendly, "Hello, Bruce!" That's when Batman shit his pants and almost dropped the kid he had under his arm while flying around Gotham.

Maybe that's why The Joker is suddenly so upset with Batman. Because The Joker just found out that The Batman isn't The Batman at all! Maybe it's not that he didn't care who Batman really was. Perhaps he really didn't consider that Batman was anybody but Batman until he stumbled upon Lex Luthor's Wordpress where he posted this bit of Celebrity Math:

Too bad Lex can't figure out the equation that would reveal Superman's identity! Here's a hint, Lex: add glasses!

Once The Joker found out that The Batman was living a double life, The Joker felt betrayed! You mean Batman isn't Batman every hour of every day? The Joker remains steadfastly dedicated to being The Joker (even after removing his face, apparently!) but The Batman was not as fully committed. That must be why The Joker is so hurt this time. The Batman has to be either The Batman or Bruce Wayne. He can't eat his cake and masturbate on it too!

I mean, I guess if he did it in the reverse order, he could.

Batman heads over to Jim Gordon's place as the comic begins. He drags along the kid he saved because what else is he going to do with him? There are Joker-maddened people all over the city! As Batman flies through Jim's neighborhood, he gives a little tour guide spiel.

...rent controlled.

Now that The Joker has become the Pennywise of Gotham (I'm just going to assume that anybody who had not yet read Stephen King's It before they read my commentary on Batman #37 went out and read it immediately after. And don't think seeing Tim Curry talk about everybody floating down there is equitable to having read the novel. Sure, it's good. But did the made for television mini-series have a gangbang between twelve year olds? Wait. That probably isn't helping sell the good qualities of the book), he's obviously made his home in the only part of Gotham that still exists as it did hundreds of years ago. So he's Jim Gordon's neighbor! He might even have been living in Jim's closet all this time!

If The Joker really is some kind of supernatural or alien force that has bonded with the city and uses it to feed every so many years, it explains why Gotham is such a fucking pit of despair no matter how many villains Bruce punches in the throat. But it also means that Batman has been hopelessly trying to save the city which he thought was his, and then he thought it was cheating on him with the Court of Owls, and now he's going to find out it's actually The Joker's?! Holy Bat Aneurysm! And Batman has been avoiding killing The Joker because he thought somebody or something worse would rise up to take The Joker's place. But now he's going to have to wonder: is The Joker even able to be killed?!

His balloon animals must be bullet proof.

Batman sends Duke, the kid he saved, to gather the first aid kit from the bathroom. Is that enough to make Duke another one of Batman's sidekicks?

Duke hesitates and while Batman tries to convince Duke to do what he says and to stop worrying about his possibly dead parents (fucking hypocrite!), Jim Gordon recovers and tries to lighten the mood with some new jokes.

Julia Pennyworth shows up to tranq Jim and say things like "Tally-ho!" and "Chim Cheree!" Turns out this version of The Joker's toxin is deadly after a certain amount of time (I always just assumed they all were! I guess if one of his toxins wasn't deadly, it was probably just a mistake on his part) so Batman is going to have to get his ass in gear and save the day already.

Julia takes Duke back to the Batcave while Batman heads back out to find The Joker. While searching, he takes a call from Dick who has analyzed The Joker's blood. Turns out that it contains a regenerative that's stronger than the regenerative waters of a Lazarus Pit. Does that mean if Batman chops off The Joker's head, he'll grow into two new Jokers?

Dick Grayson begins working on a cure for the Joker Virus which is chemically or biologically or punch-line-ically opposite The Joker's blood. I think that means to save the city this time, Batman is going to have to spray everybody with The Joker's pee! The Batman loves saving Gotham with Golden Showers.

Batman figures that whatever The Joker spiked his blood with that's making him practically immortal, it had to come from the scientists working with Dr. Helfern, the guy that made that regenerative bone serum which turned him into a monster back in Zero Year. And then Batman tells Dick that The Joker knows who he is and Dick says, "Well, that's it then! Game, set, and match! The Joker has won! Throw in the towel. It's over! Kaput! You finally lost, Batman. Nice knowing you!" That seems like a bit of a fucked up reaction!

Meanwhile, The Joker takes a swim. At least the regenerative crap in his blood explains the new face.

The Joker must be headed for the Batcave. That would be nice because I'd love to see Alfred blast him with his shotgun and now he can without the DC Universe losing Batman's biggest foe. Or maybe he's just swimming in his fountain of hilarity. Also, it's a fountain of youth.

The Batman pays a visit to Paul Dekker who, judging by the "shawl" he has on, and the mustache, and the fact that he's an artist and his science breakthrough was a "healing stitch," I'm going to guess that he's Crazy-Quilt. Earlier Dick said "Huh. Paul Dekker? AKA--" and then Batman cut him off. I'm sure he was going to say Crazy-Quilt!

Crazy Quilt tells Batman legends about eternal youth and magic healing. He brings up Vandal Savage and Ra's al Ghul as evidence. And he includes in that list, The Joker. Present long before Gotham began but having taken root in the city from the beginning. Gotham's Pennywise.

Remember when Denny's was doing that Baconalia promotion? It wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be.

Crazy Quilt injects himself with something given to him by The Joker which seems like a really stupid idea. Turns out, it was a really stupid idea. He decomposes and falls to his death. Meanwhile, Julia Pennyworth, using facial recognition software, has uncovered dozens of photos of The Joker throughout Gotham's history. Batman is still betting on Photoshop. But I think he doesn't want to admit that all of those times he told people that The Joker was "just a man," he was wrong. And now he'll have to admit to having been wrong on so many occasions!

After declaring that this can't be real, Batman decides to go visit The Court of Owls. Bruce is just going to have to face it already: Gotham has never truly been his. Gotham might not even want to be in a relationship with Batman! It sure has a lot of secrets it's been keeping from him. And I think you're not supposed to keep secrets from people you love. Or from hundreds of strangers on the internet too, if you go by my logic.

The back-up story is another inmate telling another tale about how The Joker came to him and explained to him who The Joker is. So now that's four stories about The Joker that I can't really remember very well. I hope they aren't too important to understanding Endgame!

Batman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. For Batman's own sanity, I think he should go off and start his own city and force it to love him right from the beginning. Then Batman can keep a close eye on it and make sure it's not meeting weird Owl People in sleazy motels late at night, or married to a second, crazier, paler spouse.