Tacoman #37

I'm just going to call Aquaman "Tacoman" from now on.

Darwyn Cooke understands Tacoman! His adventures are so boring that the best image he could come up with is Tacoman making out with Mera! Mera is the best part of Tacoman's adventures anyway. She really should have her name on the title of this comic book. No wonder she's so envious of The Others! They're worse than Tacoman and yet they still get billing right alongside him! But does Mera get any recognition in this comic book? Even when she's the main reason most people are buying it? Of course not! Totally sexist! And probably racist too since she's a Xenubisomethingorotherian. You know! One of those Water Weirds! A Spongie! Ocean trash!

I am so sick of censorship. Especially self-censorship because everybody is afraid to be the next pig at the bottom of the pile. I can't believe the way we're not teaching the youth about censorship because we're all being so fucking inclusive that we now have a long list of words nobody can even say in a college fucking debate without some poor offended soul deciding they should now shout down the speaker and get the whole fucking program shut down. Because fuck logical debate when you can just scream until everybody is tired of listening to you scream and they all decide to go home. What we need is not a world where adults talk to each other as if toddlers were in the room and they don't want to say a word the kid might repeat out in public but a world where people have a much thicker skin than they currently seem to have.

What's generally happened is that we've taken an act such as...oh, let's say...rape and decided that if you point out how our culture justifies rape then you can now begin to act as if not just rape is wrong but anything you can link to possibly being a contributing factor of rape is wrong. It's ultimately about censorship, power, and control. If you feel powerless in the face of the Patriarchy, you come up with a way to subvert things in a manner that gives you some kind of power and control. It's nothing new. The same thing has been done over and over again, by the powerful and the powerless, and always to the detriment of society. Labeling somebody as a "sexist" or a "phobic" or a "misogynist" is modern day witchhunting. It's labeling somebody a communist, or a pacifist in the face of patriotic war, to shut them up and marginalize them. Pointing out that something is problematic or perpetuates rape culture is arguing that comic books cause kids to become degenerate monsters, or video games are behind school shootings.

Part of what happens is that the battle cannot be fought after the crime has occurred. We do not want to live in a society where you only punish people after they've committed rape. You must fight to stop rape from happening at all. And everybody except rapists and frat bros agree that rape is wrong. So there's no fight to be had there. That's why some freedom fighters move the battle line. Now they begin to fight all the assholes who blame the victims. It's an obvious, and a good place, to move the battle. You battle against the tired "he said/she said" mentality and fight for people to instead develop a "this woman was violated by a criminal" way of thinking. Many people continue to fight this fight as the cutting edge guerrilla fighters begin to point out how language needs to change, and basic ideas of gender need to be revamped, and the way we, as a society, treat the genders differently from before birth, beginning the cycle which has led to where we find ourselves today.

Am I arguing against any of those battles? Fuck no. Those battles are about trying to change people's views through intellectual debate. Even telling people that they cannot say certain things because they believe it perpetuates rape culture is something people are free to argue. I believe they're wrong but since when has being wrong ever been a reason not to speak your mind? It's only shutting down people's ability to speak freely that hurts all causes. When you have determined that something cannot be challenged, or that something cannot be ridiculed, or that something cannot be railed against in even the most sexist and misogynistic terms because it contributes to rape culture and is therefore as bad as rape and should be outlawed, you've moved far past anything I believe.

Here's the stupid thing: My vision of a perfect civilization and society is probably very near to even the most vocal social justice advocates. Our only real difference (though it's a big one) is about how we eventually get there, and who we fight against. I would rather pick targets with care and snipe the enemy while others seem to want to fire off shotguns and mortars every time their hackles are raised. I am not against any of them, any of you. I am not against making the world a better place. But I don't believe tearing down everybody and everything that offends you makes the world a better place. One of those reasons I think that is because just stating what I've stated here could easily make me a target, and the enemy. That's fucking dangerous because no matter what I look like, or what words I say, or what tasteless jokes I might find funny, as unbelievable and ridiculous as it might sound, we almost certainly believe, fundamentally, most of the same shit. If we were to compare our beliefs by our actions and the ways we live, and not by the words we say, or the theories we debate, I would be willing to bet they would contain negligible differences.

But I will not self-censor for fear of becoming another compatriot shot in the back and left to bleed out on the side of the road because I wouldn't march step to another person's inflexible beliefs.

It's also easy to not self-censor when nobody reads what you have to say and you're really not fucking important! Another thing about what I just wrote: I didn't have to say any of it! I would say 99% of the time (okay, maybe 10% of the time. But 99% of the time when I'm not being facetious), my words reflect my truest beliefs as a Situational Individualist. That is to say, I believe in the individual's right to live the life they want to live, unhampered by law or society or outside pressures. And I believe in a philosophy of examining each situation in and of itself, rather than being mired in rigid, foundational beliefs that take precedence over extenuating circumstances and individual personalities. In other words, I believe in your right to believe whatever the fuck you want to believe. And I expect you to allow me the right to think your beliefs are complete and utter horsedick.

So, where was Tacoman when we last left him?!

Holy fucking God! Will somebody stop listening to Dr. Evan and his "theories"?!

Dr. Evans continues to think that science is jumping to conclusions based on no evidence at all! His main form of experimentation so far since he's become a member of this comic book? Sticking objects in holes based on the size and shapes of the objects and the holes. This fucker could be replaced by any number of toddlers I've met in my life! Except Frankie. Oh shit that kid was dumb. Kid, I was not teleporting toys across the room from behind my back! I was throwing them over your head when I brought my hands back around to the front of my body! And I never fucking had your nose, you panicky little shit! It was pretend!

Oh look! This looks like a job for Dr. Evans! Or, you know, a two year old!

One of my secret joys of doing this blog are due to moments like this. If I were just reading this comic book, I never would have stopped to think about how Dr. Evans has, up until this point, basically just recognized shapes. But when taking the time to comment on the first page, I was able to mention Dr. Evans' special ability, turn the page, and be greeted by one of those moments I was just talking about. It truly makes me feel like a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, no matter what the critics and my mother say.

Tacoman checks out the symbol on the marker signifying the destination to the portal and asks Dr. Evans what he makes of it. For once, he's stumped! "I've never encountered that shape before! It's not a circle, or a square, or even a triangle! Could it be one of the fabled shapes of legend? Perhaps a rhombus?!"

Tacoman puts his thingy in the hole. Mera doesn't even make a joke about it! That truly shows her royal blood. If she were not a Xebusisomethingorotherian princess, she could not have resisted making a doing it joke.

After Tacoman and Mera disappear into the portal, Dr. Evans finds a smashed marker and ponders the symbol on it. It's the maelstrom but he's an idiot just like Tacoman and they don't seem to have ever heard of the word before. It's obviously "male storm" written by a dyslexic. That sounds like a crossword puzzle clue for "testosterone."

Tacoman and Mera step out of the other side of the portal into Gorilla City. Are the Gorillas of Gorilla City one of the lost tribes of Atlantis?!

Not eating! Tacoman will not stand for eating!

Solovar explains that the portal was used in ancient days before Atlantis sank. The Gorillas and the Atlanteans held a softball tournament every year until the island of Atlantis sunk into the waves. The Gorillas always assumed it was a ruse to get out of the tournament which the Atlanteans lost every year. But then fifteen years ago, the portal became active once more! But the only Gorilla who saw who came through was Grodd. And he's a fucking dick. But he's a telepathic dick, so maybe he and Tacoman can have a mindfight for the truth.

Ooh! Or maybe they can just fuckfight for it!

Grodd remains imprisoned in Gorilla City because he is the waste receptacle for all of the Gorillas' hatred and fear. This helps all of the other Gorillas to be peaceful and calm, allowing them to let go of fear and anger and direct their energy to more uplifting pursuits. That sounds like a good idea! Hey everybody! You should give me all of your fear and anger. Then you can all pursue lofty goals and high ideals while I stew in venom and bitterness and fear! But that can only make my blog more entertaining, right?!

You all know the downside of Grodd soaking up all of that hate and fear and anger, right? He's going to escape one day and then look out Barry Allen!

That's why Tacoman and Solovar are such good friends! Solovar likes denying people food too!

Grodd challenges Tacoman to a duel. If Tacoman wins, Grodd tells him what he wants to know. If Tacoman loses, I guess Grodd eats his brains and learns how to speak with fish. Now that's a prize worth dying for! Fish know all of the best secrets and sex jokes.

Is that kind of racist? Telling the King of Fishes "Don't take the bait"?

The first that occurs to Grodd (as it occurred to me!) is that if he eats Tacoman's brain, he'll be able to learn all the nasty fish sex jokes! It's been too many issues since Tacoman kept something from eating something it really wanted to eat, so it's nice to see he's finally going to deny another hungry person the meal they're looking forward to. Err, hungry "gorilla".

He's had a change of heart! Tacoman is now feeding opponents!

Why do people call it a "knuckle sandwich"? It would make sense if you first put your fist between two slices of bread. But other than the fist nearly going into somebody's mouth the way a sandwich would not do (it would actually go in the mouth!), I don't see the similarity.

Grodd gets his ass kicked because he neglected to have his name on the cover of the comic book in which he picked the fight. He tells Tacoman how Tacoman's mother came through the portal and stole the Maelstrom Marker from the Gorilla City portal. He also mentions that Katangala, the original name of Gorilla City (or still current non-Western, and thus non-racist, name), was once the home of one of the seven tribes of Atlantis. But the Gorillas, fed on intelligence raising seaweed, pulled a Planet of the Apes on the Katangalans and took over. At least that means one less threat to Tacoman's kingdom.

After Grodd keeps his promise, he steal's Tacoman's trident and somehow uses Dr. Evans' knowledge of shapes (even though he's never once eaten Dr. Evans' brains!) and opens the portal. As he heads through, Tacoman jumps on his back and travels with him. It looks like they're heading to the Labyrinth of Monsters next month!

Tacoman #37 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was worth every penny because it had monkeys in it. Also, the history of Gorilla City was interesting and unexpected. Something about the art. Something more about the writing. Summation of review. End with Stan Lee quote.