Friday, January 30, 2015

The Multiversity Guidebook #1

Yay! I'll finally learn the number for Earth-Main-Earth!

This is going to be the best comic book ever! I bet it reminds me of the days when I was a kid and I'd pick up an almanac and flip to a random page to learn a little something new! For you younger kids, the almanac was basically an analog version of the internet with less porn.

Remember how in Thunderworld, all the Doctor Sivanas across all the universes realized that they all existed and decided to work together? Well, all of them except that one goody two-shoes one that fucked up by bringing the psychotic ones together anyway. Well, the best Doctor Sivana of them all, the one that killed all of the super heroes in his universe and was left nursing a raging hard-on to kill more, seems to have found a map and the guidebook to the other universes where he can satisfy his abhorrent lusts!

Doctor Hannibal Lecter Sivana is sick! Who finds joy in killing chibi heroes?!

This happens to be Earth-42 which I think I already would have known if I'd remembered the numbers to all the Earths that made cameos in Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. Chibi Batman is saved by Mecha-Armor Batman who steps through a warp from his world. Chibi Batman reveals that he's actually Dick Grayson in order to calm down Mecha-Armor Batman who's totally freaked out by this cute little guy. It turns out Mecha-Armor Batman's version of Dick Grayson is dead and this meeting is going to cause his suit to fill up with Bat-tears.

Chibi Sivana and Hannibal Sivana enter one of those transmatter cubes that we first saw back in, again, Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. They travel to their own version of the Orrery of Worlds, The Scientific Rock of Eternity. Other Doctor Sivanas have gathered in this ship within the Bleed to plan their takeover of the Multiverse. There is African-Multiversity Sivana and Count Sivana and Mistress Sivana and Hissivana and Robo-Sivana and monitors full of all the other Sivanas who couldn't bother to actually make the trip. Chibi Sivana doesn't last long and is eaten by Hissivana just before the Marvel Family flies in to attack, having found the Scientific Rock of Eternity due to Earth-5's Doctor Sivana and his great big failure of a plan, Sivanaday.

Georgia Sivana was more prettier! At least in the butt and bosom area! Mostly because she was showing so much of each of them!

Chibi Batman picks up Doctor Sivana's abandoned guidebook and realizes it's some kind of map of alternate worlds. He begins reading a story in it about Kamandi on Earth-51. Thanks, Chibi Batman! Now I have to read that story too! I suppose I can skip around if I wanted but that's like breaking the rules. And nobody wants to be a dirty rules breaker!

While Chibi Batman reads about Kamandi and his friends discovering an empty tomb of Darkseid, The New Gods watch Kamandi as well and discuss their take on what's going on. Highfather says that Darkseid is "rebuilding his godhead from shattered fragments" across the multiversity. So is Darkseid really involved or is this a case of Highfather just blaming what he knows?

Anyway, one of Kamandi's friends turns out to be an OMAC connected to Earth-51's Brother Eye. He tears through the rubble and they enter Darkseid's empty tomb to discover an ancient story etched on the walls.

Fucking Flash! Every fucking time!

The story continues following The Flash because as I've mentioned time and time again, all multiverse crises begin with that motherfucker. He's a blight to existence! So the multiverse began way back with A Tale of Two Flashes. This also began the idea which has been the basis for this series that every parallel reality becomes fictional material for every other reality. So Barry Allen took his name from the alter ego of comic book character Jay Garrick. And then he met him and realized everybody was a comic book character, somewhere in the multiverse.

But then the Crisis on Infinite Earths fixed everything in such a way that nothing was really fixed. Infinity Inc. couldn't figure out who their parents were. Donna Troy was all, "What the fuck?" Supergirl was all, "Come on! Why me?!" And the Charlton characters were all, "Whee! We exist! Love us!" Then Superboy punched stuff and Skeets birthed Mr. Mind and The Flash went back in time to save his mother and everything kept getting fucked and fucked and fucked again until the DC Universe lay sore and chafed, cum dribbling out of every orifice.

Well for me, it's the left hand.

Back on Earth-42, Chibi Batman turns to the page which is a map of the Multiverse. You've probably all seen it by now. It's over there on the internet if you haven't and you're curious. I'm just going to move on. But first one thought: I hope Grant Morrison does an issue about Limbo!

Chibi Batman and Mecha-Armor Batman get the Transmatter Cube back up and running. Now they just need to figure out how to travel to specific worlds by whistling the right note. So Chibi Batman does research by reading up on all of the cataloged Earths in the Multiversity Guidebook.

Earth-0: New Earth. Earth-Main-Earth. This is the Earth where super heroes don't wear underwear on the outside of their costumes and where most of The New 52 comic books take place.

Earth-1: The Prestige Format Earth. This is the Earth I've been ignoring, mostly because my comic book store didn't reserve a copy of Batman Earth-1 for me when it came out. And nothing describes me better than "giving up immediately when things don't work out." I should probably pick up all the Earth-1 books at some point.

Earth-2: Kiss my ass Earth. Soon to be wiped out Earth. This is the Earth that brought us the most boring weekly series ever imagined, World's End. I can't wait until it blows the fuck up!

Earth-3: The Earth of the Crime Syndicate where everything is backwards. But not backwards in the way that Bizarro World is backwards! In this world, bad is good and good is bad. Although bad is still bad somehow. And East is West and West is East but North isn't South and South isn't North, for some reason.

Earth-4: The Charlton Universe. Home of Watchmen-lite, the characters that inspired the Watchmen and, in time, were inspired by the Watchmen. It's kind of confusing. Blue Beetle lives here so it's probably a kind of dumb universe.

Earth-5: The home of Georgia Sivana, super sexy Science Marvel. Some other little known heroes exist here as well or something. It's a place called Thunderworld and is home to the most boring version of Doctor Sivana.

Earth-6: Some Earth where Batman is a bat and Aquaman is a Despero-looking monster. Maybe. That might actually be Despero! Green Lantern gets his powers from Yggdrasil so he probably lives in a house with a five and a half minute hallway. Main villain: Reverend Darrk! With two "r"s!

Earth-7: A parody of Earth-8 which is a parody of the Marvel Universe. This world was destroyed by the Gentry and only Thunderer, an aboriginal version of Thor, survived.

Earth-8! 'nuff said!

Earth-9: This is the best Earth so far because The Joker is "an anarchist prankster on the side of freedom." Wait, how is that different from Earth-0?

Earth-10: The universe where Uncle Sam and his Freedom Fighters fight against the villainy of the Third Reich. DC seemed to want to add these guys to The New 52, I guess, as they released The Ray miniseries (which I own but never read) and the Freedom Fighter miniseries which I never bought and never read! So thanks for exposing more areas where I'm completely ignorant, jerko guidebook.

Earth-11: This is gender bent Earth where all the heroes who once had "woman" or "girl" in their name now have "man" or "boy" in their name, and all the heroes who had "man" or "boy" in their name now have "woman" or "girl" in their name! This Earth is much better than Earth-0 because it has a lot more opportunities for Boob-Butt Showcases!

Earth-12: The clock on Earth-12 is sped up a bit so while most other Earths run about parallel with Earth-33's timeline, this Earth takes place in the future. Or something. Anyway, it's the home of Terry McBatman and his future friends.

Earth-13. Okay, this is the best Earth so far! And probably won't be beat because Superdemon!

Earth-14: Unknown. Set aside for strange Monitor sexual experiments, probably.

Earth-15: This universe was destroyed by Superboy Prime, the Superboy of our Earth (and by "our," I mean you and me, readers!). If you think a Superboy of our Earth only exists because Grant Morrison does lots of silly stuff, you'd be wrong. He just remembers lots of silly stuff like how in DC Comics Presents #87, there was a Superboy of our Earth! Let me dig it up for you!

See?! It's kind of hard to tell but one of those Earth's is Earth Prime!

Here are some scenes from Superman's adventure on Earth-33!

Really? Bobby Kennedy? Such a white person's choice!

No! Not Pete Moss! Outrageous!

See? Even more evidence of real super heroes being comic book characters in other realities.

Um, anyway, all that is left of Earth-15 is a broken old Green Lantern Battery, known as the Cosmic Grail, lost somewhere in the Multiverse.

Earth-16: This is the home of the legacy heroes, The Just. It's often referred to as Earth-Me because crime doesn't exist and young people are such self-absorbed narcissists, amirite? I mean, is Grant Morrison right? I don't think he is! Young people are just old people who have yet to realize that they've wasted their best years.

Earth-17: This is where Mecha-Armor Batman is from. He's one of the Atomic Knights who are searching for the Cosmic Grail which they plan to use against Darkseid. Why Darkseid would be interested in a planet ravaged by nuclear war, I have no idea.

Earth-18: Wild West Earth! This Earth's technology was frozen in time so now heroes like Bat-lash and Madame .44 and Cinnamon have to view their porn through typed out ASCII pictures sent via telegraph.

Earth-19: Steampunk World. For some reason, everybody looks like they covered themselves in glue and fell in a crate full of gears from old pocket watches and random pieces of tubing.

Earth-20: The home of the Society of Super-Heroes. We saw it earlier in one of the Multiversity funny books. The Green Lantern of this world, Abin Sur, wound up in the Orrery of Worlds to help fight against the Gentry.

Earth-21: Darwyn Cooke World. This is the happy go-lucky world that was seen on all of the variant covers in December. Possibly the happiest world in the Multiversity.

Earth-22: Kingdom Come World. You've probably read about this world. It was painted beautifully by Alex Ross.

Earth-23: This is the Earth where all the super-heroes except Batman are black. Superman is also president of the United States of America. Bruce Wayne probably spends his days gentrifying white neighborhoods. I bet he's a Gentry sympathizer!

Earth-24: Unknown World. Probably the Monitor's septic tank.

Earth-25: Unknown World. Probably where the Monitor's stash their porn.

Earth-26: The Zoo Crew World. The only Zoo Crew book I ever owned (and still own because who stops owning comic books they once bought? Pshaw!) was the Great Oz/Wonderland War! After reading that, I never wanted to hear another pun ever again.

Earth-27: Unknown World. Probably where comic book creators that have appeared in their own comic books live.

Earth-28: Unknown World. Probably a world where nothing is known.

Earth-29. Another one of the best Earths.

Earth-30: The world of Communist Superman where TV Stop.

Earth-31: Waterworld. Everybody is a pirate! Ahoy!

Earth-32: This is the Amalgam universe without the Marvel heroes. So the DC heroes just had to mashup with other DC heroes. Sorry, no Lobo the Duck on this Earth.

Earth-33: This is Earth Prime where the histories of all the other Earths are printed as comic books. Unless it's the other way around and all comic books printed on Earth-33 become real, tangible worlds in the Orrery. This world has one superhero: Ultra Comics! Hey! He's the guy that's on the cover of that comic book that's been corrupting the youth!

Earth-34: The heroes of this earth formed a team called The Light Brigade. Their leader is Savior from the ancient civilization of Mu. Their version of Superman (Goodfellow, I'm guessing) looks like he stepped off the sound stage of Hee Haw.

Earth-35: This Earth is described as a "pseudoverse" that was constructed by the Monitors. It's team is called the Super-Americans. Isn't that what every normal American calls themselves anyway?

Earth-36: This is where Justice 9 lives. Red Racer has traveled from this Earth to the Hall of Heroes to help battle the Gentry. This Earth was last seen in Grant Morrison's Action Comics run.

Earth-37. Um. There is, um, this Earth.

Earth-38: The Golden Age Heroes. The world is not trapped in the Golden Age though! It's just that this is where the original Superman and Batman appeared to eventually be replaced by their offspring and proteges.

Earth-39: The home planet of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. I don't know what that stands for. Wholly Original Negative Destroying Earnest Rescuers? Some guy named Happy DaVinci designed all of their technology, so is it really any wonder that the technology is addictive?

Earth-40: The home of Vandal Savage, Worlds Conqueror! Also some other villains. But how many more do you need when you've already got Vandal Savage? Stop being so greedy!

Earth-41: Dino-Cop came from this world. He's also in the Hall of Heroes ready to go to battle against The Gentry.

Earth-42: The Chibi Heroes live here so Chibi Batman is currently reading about himself. And what he finds out is that his world "hides a great and terrible secret." Oh no! This world was also seen in Morrison's run of Action Comics.

Earth-43: Vampires. Lots and lots of super vampires. They're not the sexy ones that all the young kids are fucking in love with nowadays. So gross. These are the Salem's Lot monsters that will bite your face off instead of sending you a wishy-washy love note full of ambivalence and insecurity.

Earth-44: The heroes of this world are a combination of The Metal Men and the Justice League, built by the genius Will Tornado! Lead Green Arrow is fat.

Earth-45: This is where SuperDoomsday was created and sent through one of Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cubes to wreak havoc on various other Earths. The story took place in Morrison's Action Comics and was the first story of The New 52 to really explore the other universes in the Multiverse.

Earth-46: Unknown World. Probably a world where they keep all of the extra question marks.

Earth-47: The world of Prez, teen president! This is also the world where Brother Power, the Geek, resides. Although Brother Power did make a cameo in The Green Team as an object purchased by whichever one of the rich kids was into buying super hero paraphernalia on auction sites.

Earth-48: The Earth of the Forerunners, creatures bred to be protectors of the Multiverse. This is the home world of Lady Quark who had a high profile role in Crisis on Infinite Earths, even if I never could figure out what she was supposed to be doing.

Earth-49: Unknown World. Probably the world where the Monitors went to live after faking their own deaths.

Earth-50: The Justice Lords rule here, a fascist version of Earth-0's Justice League.

Earth-51. The last Earth featuring the last boy on Earth!

Whew! That's all the Earths! And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Nix Uotan shows up on Earth-51 to release Darkseid from his tomb to cause chaos while The Gentry continues to gentrify planet after planet in the name of the empty, grasping, greedy hand.

Chibi Batman escapes to Earth-17 and is confronted by Adam Strange and his Atomic Knights. Mecha-Armor Batman remains behind on Earth-42 to give Chibi Batman time to escape. And maybe, just maybe, he'll discover Earth-42's terrible secret. Or maybe he'll wind up in the House of Heroes as it comes under attack by one of The Gentry!

The secret winds up being that the Chibi Heroes are machines and they're servants of The Empty Hand! Oh noes! And that's, um, the end! Next time on Multiversity: The Freedom Fighters!

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