Thursday, January 29, 2015

New Guardians #38

If we could only see in x-rays, we'd never know what that invisible thing in front of our face that constantly leaked all over us was. Also genitals.

Let me just point out that in my last New Guardians commentary, I pretty much guessed the ending of Godhead:

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he’s acting an awful lot like a certain stone faced master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Of course only Hal Jordan had the stone faced cojones to put Highfather in his place. Nobody else in the universe could have done it! Not even Malhedron who sort of tried to do it. And Metron who knew it needed to be done but couldn't be bothered to get out of his chair. And Orion who probably did it but who could understand him when he's ranting and raving and projecting spittle all across the room?

But now it's time to forget Godhead because it is over and already forgotten. Now let's find out how Kyle Rayner dies because who needs him?

This issue is part one of a three part story called "It All Ends Here." That's a good sign! I mean, I know the book actually ends in three issues. But maybe Kyle Rayner will go with it forever and always! At least until he pulls a modern penny out of his pocket and is forced to abandon true love!

I don't really hate Kyle. But he's superlative! No wait! He's not that at all! He's superfluous!

This issue begins with a scene that I might revisit later when it makes more sense. The better place to start is here:

I want to say something lovely and profound and melancholic about this scene but I can't stop staring at the stars inside the dark side of the moon! Maybe they're camp fires?

Carol is contemplating her burgeoning (or dying on the vine?) relationship with Kyle and she's probably wondering why she would want to be with an idiot that can't stop giving his ring away to whoever asks for it. He's a comic book artist so his earning potential is limited and he's probably a slacker who will wind up spending most of his time unshowered and stretched out on the couch watching Judge Judy. Carol is a responsible, powerful, worldly woman and she needs more than just a six foot tall man-child that never seems to engage in a serious manner. She has plenty of arguments for why she shouldn't pursue this relationship but it seems she's going to listen to the only argument she has for this relationship: she's in looOOoOooOooOoove!

Hard, throbbing cock? Slick, pulsing, engorged vagina? Clean, puckered, perfumed anal sphincter? San Dimas?

Turns out she loves flying and being a Star Sapphire. I was close!

Dammit. Kyle is winning me over here! If Carol won't take you, Kyle, I'm available! But mostly just because it would be nice to know a comic book artist that I could take advantage of.

I never wanted these two to be a thing anyway. How come male and female characters who spend a lot of time together automatically seem to pair off? They would have been fun just traveling the universe as friends. Why does there always seem to be a need for a romantic subplot? This is the main problem I have with Season Three of Arrow. Felicity was perfect when she was helping out, having her own life, and drooling, non-romantically, over Ollie's shirtlessness. But of course, she had to wind up in love with him. The only female cast member that hasn't been in an intimate relationship with Oliver Queen is his sister and I have a feeling that story arc is coming soon.

Now is the time to talk about that opening scene! The issue began with a huge monster attacking a planet. Before the monster could kill the woman, Saysoran, whom the story opened on, it's sucked up into the sky by black tendrils. Now the creature has been smashed into Zamaron and stamped with the White Lantern Insignia. Kyle and Carol recognize the creature as one of the beings freed from the Source Wall by Black Hand.

Kyle and Carol head off to investigate where the creature came from but this time they're doing it as friends instead of pee-pee rubbers. That's how I describe sex! Are you interested now, ladies?

Carol and Kyle arrive on a planet that's been nearly destroyed (except for Saysoran who will probably become an important character if she isn't already and I've just never heard of her). They find another White Lantern Insignia, this one composed of dead people nailed to a wall. And then they confront the monster behind it all!


New Guardians #38 Rating: +2 Ranking. The highlight of this comic was Kyle and Carol discussing their relationship. The lowlight was that they didn't have time for an on-panel farewell fuck. I don't think I really care about Oblivion. Maybe he'll win me over as an arch-enemy next issue when he asks Kyle for Kyle's ring and Kyle gives it to him.

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