Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Batwoman #38

Ratwoman! My favorite!

In this issue, we finally discover the secret origin of the dreaded Cloth Golem!

I haven't taken any time to determine what the circles on each cover represent because I'm lazy and apathetic. Etrigan's cover had some kind of AA symbol thing. Clayface's cover had a splotch of blood. And now Ragman's has the Hebrew word for "Truth." I don't actually read Hebrew! I used Lord Google the Translator to help me out! The only other time I've used Lord Google to help with Hebrew was when I needed to come up with this: מערת הזמן!

Last issue ended with Morgaine being birthed from Clayface. She came out in full armor so the reader could recognize her but when the story continues in this issue, she's naked! Like how Donna Troy emerged from her clay too! Man, I got to get me some clay!

She's a golem too! The best and hottest kind of golem!

Actually, Morgaine doesn't have a thigh gap so I'm finding her utterly repulsive. Ugh! Try to eat less clay, fatty! I guess since she's from a long time ago, she doesn't realize that it's not cool to have inner thighs that touch. Hopefully the head priest will be all, "Don't worry, Morgy. You can cover up that lack of thigh gap with a cute skirt and nobody will be the wiser." Then she'll probably strike him down and be all, "You are a pig! This is how women look, you idiot!"

Morgaine puts on her new robe/skirt/cleavage enhancer and then spices it up with some golden armor and huge horns. And then Batwoman and Etrigan crash through the front window while Ragman crashes through the back window. The gang's all here! Except for Beth! Or Alice. Whatever.

I bet he rhymes "desire" with "hellfire!" He's kind of a one trick poetry pony.

Etrigan finishes his poem with "with a blast of demon fire!" Close enough, enh?

I know! I just pointed that out!

Ragman and Batwoman make introductions and the Alcoholics Anonymous Monks snicker about another couple of heroes that proudly proclaim their gender right there in their name. So unimaginative! And according to the Legion of Super-heroes, the trend only gets worse one thousand years in the future! Ragman also mentions he's a Cloth Golem which I thought I was making up. As my friend Soy Rakelson said over and over and over again throughout our formative years, "I want an original thought!"

The battle commences with Morgaine laughing continuously because how are these idiots going to defeat her? She casts spells! And she's sexy! That's an unbeatable combination.

I think she's less concerned about Etrigan causing a gas explosion than she is about him finishing his rhyme with "bitch."

Beth (or Alice. Whatever) hears about the explosion on her police scanner (listening to police scanners is more of an old guy hobby, isn't it?) and figures her sister will probably be at the scene. So she hops on her Alicecycle and vrooms off to let Kate know she's returned from Get To Know Dad Better Island.

Kate proves she doesn't know anything about poetry when she asks Etrigan to stop with the "limericks from Hell". Last issue she thought he was reciting haikus! She's not very educated!

The crew splits up for now so that Kate can do a little more stalking of Maggie Sawyer when she arrives at the scene. Kate is all, "Have you forgotten how I totally fucked up our relationship for no apparent reason yet?" And Maggie is all, "Go fuck Nocturna!" And Kate is all, "You don't even know her!" And Maggie is all, "She marries and murders men!" And Kate is all, "I'm not a man! I'm a vampire!" And Maggie is all, "Ahhhh!" And Kate is all, "Hiss!" And then they part amicably.

Maybe I should look up the definition of amicably! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual men and the homosexual women.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual women and the homosexual men.

I'm old so I'm not purposefully erasing anybody with different sexual desires than the fairly straightforward ones I mentioned in the captions. I'm just ignorant of all you other deviants! Go ahead and just look at the picture that turns you on best. Or both of them. Sorry that the Ragman/Clayface one doesn't involve tongue or penis or a clay butthole. You'll just have to use your imagination for that one.

Maybe I should look up the definition of deviants! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Morgaine finds her new Clayface body less useful than it initially seemed so she hunts down a babysitter that shares her bloodline and takes her body for her own. And Beth (Or Alice. Whatever) drops by to catch up with her sister.

Whew! That's finally settled! Red Alice it is!

Batwoman #38 Rating: No change. At 43, can I get away with using the "I'm old! I don't know any better and I'm too old to learn!" excuse for being an asshole? It's charming, right? Like when good old Grandpa goes off on the minorities and how they're ruining the country. He's just a harmless old dinosaur trapped in his comfy chair with no influence over anybody. So when he spouts his racism, everybody just chuckles and shoves another Hamms beer can into his hand. Hmm, that actually doesn't sound very charming at all! I'd better buy myself a dictionary so I don't accidentally use offensive terms. Do dictionaries tell people which terms are offensive? Or do they just not include them because they're too offensive?

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