Monday, January 19, 2015

Batman Eternal #41

Gross! This cover makes me wish the Comics Code Authority still existed! I've never seen this much semen come out of a anybody's head ever! And I've watched a goodly share of bukake porn!

This cover looks a lot like one of the spreads from that magazine I found in the bushes when I was a youngster. It was called Girls Who Eat Cum. How is it we live in a world where parents and congress and some guy named Fredric were once concerned about children reading books with werewolves in them but a magazine all about men coming on women's faces was able to make it on the newsstands? Who was the genius who greenlit that project?

Cum Loving Genius: "You know what the world needs? More graphic porn highlighting men ejaculating on women's faces!"
Non-Genius Partner: "Okay but where in the world are we going to sell this magazine?"
Cum Loving Genius: "Wherever they sell blow up dolls and rubber vaginas!"
Non-Genius Partner: "Don't you think there's a limited audience for this? Do you think we'll sell enough copies to even pay the women eating the cum?"
Cum Loving Genius: "Just pay one woman and buy some wigs! And don't pay the men. They'll be happy just participating!"
Non-Genius Partner: "I don't know. This feels wrong. And I just got done putting the final touches on Stuff In Butts Monthly!"

If there has never been a magazine called Stuff In Butts, I will be so fucking disappointed in you, America.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics! Nothing ever offends me and even I'm offended by your new rag, Children Who Eat Cum!

Red Robin and Harper Row are keeping an eye on these cum devouring kids because they're being controlled by somebody. The kids are out stealing materials day and night then delivering them to a warehouse where they're building a huge metal phallus. Maybe that's why they're gathering so much cum! This phallus needs to be filled somehow.

Meanwhile Spoiler is knocked out by some guy in motocross protective gear who says he's been paid to protect her. I suppose unconscious people are easier to protect. Plus when he carries her to wherever he's going to protect her, he can touch her butt. Not in an erotic way! Just in that way where you casually touch it with your hand so that...okay, yeah. In an erotic way.

Why are butts so sexy? We all know poop comes out of them, right?

Where'd Barbara Gordon go? Who is this new, snottier version of Batgirl?! I love her! Look at how big her chin and cheek is! Can you imagine how much cum could splash across that?

The still living Batkids swing into action and bust into the warehouse to save the children from their new, horrible diet. I wonder if Batgirl will see the giant penis they're building and say, "What is that thing? A big pink rocket or something?" See, she's never seen a penis before! Well, maybe she saw one on her friend's phone but there was a glare from the sun on the screen and the shot was fuzzy and dark because nobody who sends dick pics really knows how to light them well. Also she might have sucked one the first night in her new apartment in the Burnside neighborhood but she was too drunk to remember, even if she does have an eidetic memory.

Harper Row stays behind because Red Robin is all, "You can't come. Blah blah blah. I'm a fucking bigshot sidekick and you're just a nobody nothing!" And Harper mumbles, "I'll show you. I'm gonna be Bluebird or something and then you'll see. Stupid Red Robin. Blue is so much better. Dumb male idiot man."

Ha ha ha! See? What'd I tell you? Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Red Robin is all, "Um, uh...well it's...uh, Todd?" And Red Hood is all, "It's a fucking cock, Batgirl! A huge, veiny, throbbing trouser snake! It's not as big as mine though." And Batgirl turns bright red and goes, "Oh! Um, I knew that! I've seen so many! Duh! I was just joking!"

The Batkids discover that The Mad Hatter is behind the kids building the phallus. Of course he is! It's mind control, isn't it? Who else does mind control in Gotham City? No, seriously, who else does it? There must be more than just the idiot Jervis Tetch.

Harper Row tries to warn Red Robin to get out before the Mad Hatter does whatever the Mad Hatter is going to do. It probably has something to do with cum splashing all over Red Robin's face on the cover of this issue. I guess he's going to turn the gigantic phallus on Tim and shoot off a load.

The Batkids become assimilated (although the nanobots prefer to say "acclimated" because that makes it different somehow) and now only Harper Row is left to save them! But will she go against Red Robin's command that she not be a sidekick! Remember how he said she has a choice to continue living her normal life that's not really that normal but at least she isn't swinging around Gotham at midnight on a Wayne Tech Grappling Hook? Will she don a costume to save her brother? Did I use the word "don" correctly? Isn't that usually a name?!

I think I'd recognize her by her piercings. And her butt.

Batman Eternal #41 Rating: No change. I really enjoyed this issue since it concentrated on the Batkids. But I think it's already ranked right about where it should be ranked (if not, maybe, a bit too high). So no change! But I do think a book that focused on the Batkids in Gotham would be a fun book. DC Comics should do that. It should be a thing.

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