Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Constantine #21

Has Doctor Fate's helmet always looked like a scowling crow with a Great Gatsby haircut and a spit curl?

My friend Doom Bunny wants me to do his wife's job for her! No, not that job! Apparently she's going to have her 7th Grade class write poems or something and he wants Grunion Guy to write an example poem demonstrating all of the poetic techniques they'll have to use in their poems. But he didn't tell me how much he was going to pay me so I'm not working on it at all!

I mean, maybe I'll think about it a little bit! I guess they have to write a poem about an animal or insect that most people dislike and the poem is supposed to convince the audience that they're stupid idiots and totally wrong in their opinion. I was thinking about doing a poem about dogs but I think most people like dogs for some reason. Probably because most people are needy dumb dumbs who love having their crotches sniffed, I guess. Then I figured it's supposed to be an example poem, so what better creature to use than a spider, right? Most people hate spiders but I know those people are, once again, needy dumb dumb who love having their crotches sniffed!

Now that I've chosen the spider as my topic, the next thing I need to demonstrate to a bunch of stupid probably virgin 7th graders is the concept of a refrain. Calling 7th Graders virgins makes it sound like I'm looking down on them because I've had sex, right? I don't want it to sound like I haven't had sex because that would be a mistake on my part for letting that cat slip out of the bag and a mistake on your part for thinking that I haven't sexed up loads of socially acceptable partners! Anyway, I need a refrain! It's hard to come up with one of my own so I think I'll borrow one. Don't worry, I'll give it back later.

My Spider Poem Refrain:

"I'll be trapped beneath your finger!" x 2 twice and then it will become this:

"You'll be wrapped around my stinger!" x 2!

Oh yeah! That's clever! And probably anatomically correct! Unless it isn't and then let's call it poetic license!

Okay, next I need to demonstrate personification. That's easy! The spider will just narrate the entire poem! So the last things I need are alliteration, onomatopoeia, simile, and metaphor. And with those building blocks, I've come up with this! Boy, I hope I come up with something soon after a lead up like that!

"The Spider"

You consider me a household horror
Lost beneath the futon's fuzzy folds!
Traumatized by your hysteric weeping
No one in the house will still be sleeping.

I was only crawling seeking dinner
I don't want my eight legs getting thinner.
Like a simile you think I'm useless.
Because a simile's a metaphor, you know, it just is!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

You should feel lucky when you see a
Spider. Don't worry about onomatopoeia!
Spiders don't make sounds so just forget it!
Unless your cat meows and then you pet it!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

Spiders are the best you now can say!
Say I convinced you so I can get an A!
I think I already did alliteration!
Mrs. Bunny can now go on vacation!

You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
Thank you and love spiders! Good night Denver!

I hope that's good enough for that rascally Doom Bunny and his wife! I think it teaches the kids everything they need to know about poetry!

Hey! That's what I've always said!

Constantine can't cross back to Earth-Main-Earth while both he and John-2 are still alive. So now he's stalling until he can figure out a way to kill John-2 without everybody going, "Yo! Why'd you do that for?!" It's possible Doctor Cocoa Puffs can help but Constantine needs to figure something out quick because an army of parademons has just descended on London looking for them.

Doctor Fate knows how to fix the problem. All Constantine has to do is put on a little golden helmet and everything will work out. It's just a little helmet! Maybe a bit garish, true. But come on! What harm can it do? Nabu wouldn't lie to you, would he, Constantine?!

Just kill him, John! Is pretending you considered taking your own life really going to make you feel better later?

Constantine watches, once again, his loved ones dying around him. He knows he should be the one to die to save them all. But he can't do it. Not when there's still another way to save his damned soul by killing John-2. And so that's what he does. To save the others, sure, but mostly just to save himself. Fuck if I don't totally relate to this bastard.

Once John-2 is dead, Constantine and his Earth-2 friends and family begin the journey to Earth-Main-Earth. He makes sure to piss off Doctor Cocoa Puffs and leave him well behind. But now he has to face John-2's people who all watched as Constantine killed their loved one. So now Constantine's going to have to lose them all over again because how can they not all hate him now?

Hell, Constantine might die anyway! I mean, of course he won't because his name is on the cover. But, you know, we can pretend he could die in his own book! Sometimes that happens to characters!

Constantine #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was far better than my snarky comments about John's selfishness and cowardice make it out to be. But this blog isn't some touchy feely hugfest of emotional insights! It's a blog where I quickly change the subject to masturbation whenever I become too uncomfortable from all the feelings I'm experiencing. Besides, I spent a lot of time writing a fantastic poem to help out a friend! I don't have time to also point out how I share Constantine's sense of self-preservation at any cost! If I had the opportunity to save my family at the expense of my own life, I'd be all, "Mom who? What? Dad? Where's my dad? What?! I don't know any of these people!" Fuck it, man. I can live with that!

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