Friday, January 30, 2015

Futures End #39

*GASP* The real monster...the real monster is Dr. Frankenstein! Revelation!

Are you one of those people whose underwear twists up when they hear somebody refer to Doctor Frankenstein's Monster as "Frankenstein"? You are? Well stop being a jerk. Unless you're reading an academic paper about the book, just calm down. You do know the difference between "informal" and "formal," right? Well informally, like when you're just hanging out with your friends at the roller rink drinking Slushees and flirting with some cuties, it really is okay to refer to Frankenstein's Monster as just Frankenstein. We all know what you mean. You're a worthwhile and valuable person and not as ignorant as the self-righteous asshole who corrected you wants to make you appear to be! I'm giving you permission to just call the monster Frankenstein!

You do realize that an open flame aboard a pressurized and oxygenated space ship is really fucking dangerous, right? At least I think it is. Is it?!

Firestorm and Superman have a discussion about whether bringing Polaris aboard the satellite is a good idea or the most horrible idea. If Madison realized she were debating a kid named Billy Batson, whose development was probably arrested at about twelve when he first got the Shazam gig, she might not worry so much about trying to convince him. But she thinks it's Captain Marvel under the helmet and everybody thinks Captain Marvel is a grown ass man. Eventually she manages to convince him to let Polaris fiddle with the Justice League's transporter. I doubt it's going to help anybody though. They probably still need Ronnie Raymond's corpse to reenact the accident.

Dungeon Master Justin joins the Lang family as Fifty Sue's Big Brother. This is met with worry and consternation.

That's asking an awful lot of a modern American family, Fifty Sue.

Meanwhile in Smallville, Constantine calls Clark Kent "butt-hurt" over something Batman did to him during the war. Bat-Strap-On?

While Clark and John talk around what Superman actually did that has him so upset that he quit the superhero business altogether, John's friend Midge, the Brainiac Lover, calls forth hundreds of mini-Brainiacs from the cornfield to murder Clark. Clark burns them all up with his heat vision and sets fire to the cornfields. Again! That's probably the fiftieth time in his life, at least, that he's done that. In the chaos, Midge is impaled by a corn stalk. At least she didn't get her hand caught in an augur or chop off the end of her finger walking the beans.

So Brainiac is really just interested in the Marvel Universe?

Superman rushes off to save Spider-man (but first he'll have to fight him for ten pages or so) while Constantine lights up a cigarette and watches another friend die.

Meanwhile in Transylvania, Amethyst chops the head off of Doctor Victor Frankenstein and kills all of his children. That leaves her and Frank alone in a quiet castle where Frank can write his memoirs in peace before he dies. Although we all know he isn't going to die yet because he still needs to have Black Canary's face transplanted into his torso.

And finally, the Justice League Satellite alerts Billy and Madison to an unknown object nearing Earth. It looks like Brainiac is finally here! Let's wrap this shit up soon! Convocation begins in a few months!

Futures End #39 Rating: No change. Death Count: 2+! Midge and Doctor Frankenstein bit the dust this issue plus all of Doctor Frankenstein's monsters which don't really count but I thought they at least deserved recognition which is why I added the plus to the Death Count. Although I highly doubt Victor Frankenstein is going to stay dead. Also, Midge will probably reanimate as well! So I don't think anything important really happened this issue.

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