Monday, January 19, 2015

Justice League United #8

Stop fucking with the DC Universe, Flash! You don't belong in this story!

When the last issue began, I was upset that Legion Lost had returned but I was more upset by the fact that it was only Part 3 of a stupid ass 5 part time travel story! So just imagine the conniption I had when I opened up this issue and saw this:

You can't do this to me! It's not fair! It was almost over!

Stupid time travel has caused everything to get fucked up, even the number of issues the Infinitus Saga was supposed to run. I hate time travel with an addendum! The addendum is that I love time travel when it's well done! Usually when the Legion of Super-heroes are involved, it's rarely well done at all! That was a steak joke! Okay, it wasn't a joke at all. But it would have been acceptable for Chandler on Friends!

The title page shows nineteen tiny heads of Legion members with their names by them so that I can refer back to them as I read the comic book wondering who all the people crowding each panel are. Although for some reason they missed Saturn Girl and Brainiac 5. I'm pretty sure those are two of the most important Legion members of all time! Maybe that was before they time traveled to a page where they weren't very important at all.

Oh, maybe they're not included because they did time travel to a page where they're not important! They're in the other five parts of the Infinitus Saga while the Future Legion gets to be in this part that shouldn't exist! Maybe if the other team is successful in the past, this issue will cease to be and I'll suddenly have four more dollars in my wallet.

I wish they'd put all of their eggs in one stupid basket and then drop it and smash all of their eggs to pieces and then cry and then get crushed by a whale.

Dream Girl was put in charge by Brainiac because she's so dreamy. But Star Boy was all, "I should be Star Man! Look at this beard! LOOK AT IT!" Then Infinitus appeared and he was all, "...". And Cosmic Boy was all, "Save the monkeys! Get the monkeys in the capsules!" And Bouncing Boy was all, "BOING! BOING! BOING!" And Triplicate Girl was all, "Ew!" and "Ew!" and "SWOON!" And Kid Invisible was all, "Mon ami! Fuck us! Erffreebuddy fuck us!" And Shrinking Violet was all, "I'm tiny! I'm tiny!" And Quislet was all, "Who the fuck am I?! Does anybody remember what I do?" And Matter-Eater Lad was all, "BELCH!", and then five new planets appeared. And all of the other ones said, "Should we say some stuff too?"

Dream Girl, being in charge, shouts, "Hurry! Put all of the eggs in one basket!"

No! Then you'll just have to repeat the first three parts but with you in it as well! ARGH!

I bet Dr. Krzzztell says some kind of mumbo jumbo about how that isn't possible and they have to be sent to the point where the story left off last issue! And that's just what he says! "The past is in flux, dumb dumb!" And she's all, "Hey! I'm leader! Just do what I tell you!" And he's all, "Well if you'd tell me things that can actually be done, maybe I'd do them." And she's all, "I dreamt you were going to get hit by a bus if you don't listen to me!" And he's all, "Engagage Time Bubble! Engergize!" And Dream Girl was all, "Why are you adding extra 'g's?! Is there something wrong with the past?!" And then they all travel back to the past to have their eggs smashed! Hopefully!

Legion appears just in time to save Martian Manhunter from Hawkman! No wait, that can't be right. Let me read that again. Let's see...Supergirl, Mon-el, and Martian Manhunter, three of the strongest characters in the DC Universe, need to stop Byth's ship. Okay, yeah, no problem. Then Hawkman appears and he shoots them all and keeps them from stopping the ship. Am I reading that right? I think something is seriously wrong with the time stream! How is Hawkman so powerful? And in space! How do his wings work in space?!

Anyway, fifteen thousand Legion members fly out of a time bubble and stop Hawkman. Whew! That was close!

But then they don't stop Byth's ship from taking Ultra into the rift. Ha ha! Do you hear all the eggs breaking?!

This is what a whole basket of eggs breaking looks like!

Justice League United #8 Rating: No change. So what?! Infinitus is here and the future is fucked! Who cares? Legion is now safe in the past. Just let him go do whatever he was going to do to the future. If Legion stays in the past then everybody in the future is still safe, right? They won't be dead until the future becomes the present. All Legion has to do is keep traveling back to the past before they get to the future and they'll keep the future from ever happening! Problem solved and Shadow Lass never has to die! She can just stay in a coma for eternity! Or something. It's possible I don't know what I'm talking about. But that's perfect since Lemire has no idea what he's talking about either!

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