Superman Loves Wonder Woman #14

Finally! The freaky sex issue!

Is Wonderstar's chest insignia representative of an ass dropping a turd? He probably should have gone to a professional graphic designer, or at least consulted a focus group.

Wonderstar: "Does this look like a "W" for Wonderstar? I also don't mind if it looks like a bull!"
Member of Focus Group: *snickers*
Different Member of Focus Group: *titters*
Another Member of Focus Group: *makes farting noises*
Last Member of Focus Group: "Looks great and not at all like anal sex!"

Last issue, Clark and Diana got their asses beat by Atomic Skull and Major Disaster. Hopefully Batman wasn't currently spying on them or they'll never hear the end of it. Although they were headed out on a date that was probably going to end in some super banging, so Batman was at least recording things for later viewing on the Batcomputer DVR.

The issue begins with some God, probably Hera since she's ranting against Hippolyta who fucked her man (although she's not wearing peacock feathers and she's paler than I remember), spewing stereotypical sexist rhetoric (especially the part about men having at most two or three desires. I can think of four for myself! Well, maybe three and a half. Okay fine: two.).

Aren't most people more vulnerable than Achilles as a matter of fact?

I like the conclusion that women are as baffling and dangerous to each other as they are to men. As if men never beat the shit out of each other for nothing more than a stray glance or misplaced penis. As if guys get along no matter what the sports teams are doing! As if guys never have a good backbiting session which eventually gets back to the backbitten person and causes a whole fuckload of drama and tears! Please.

Apparently this God (probably Hera, remember?) created Wonderstar to save the world and make Wonder Woman look like a fool. The God also might be Strife because Strife is pale and vindictive. But I don't know why Strife would be angry at Hippolyta. Maybe because she somehow got away with fucking Zeus without causing a huge weave pulling tussle with Hera?

I feel safer knowing that if a monster breaks into a nuclear reactor and begins eating fuel rods, the only thing to worry about are the rolling blackouts.

Wonderstar takes credit for the save and is then hauled off by Superman and Wonder Woman so they can interrogate him. In a nice, "we're the good guys" kind of way, of course! When you're Superman or Wonder Woman or Batman, you can't be too careful when somebody else with super powers (or so much money that they may as well have super powers) comes along and begins acting like a good guy. It's almost always a ruse or else why don't they have a comic book with their name on the cover already? And anyway, why does the world need anybody else with super powers? It's like building up an arsenal with too many nuclear weapons. You really only need six or seven to get the job done. And you definitely don't need a bow and arrow when you've got all those nukes! I'm not sure why you need a torpedo though.

I suppose if I were being charitable I could have compared Aquaman to a nuclear sub but when am I ever feeling charitable? Maybe if it were Maundy Thursday. But that's the only time!

"Yes, please, tells us...me and the precious. I mean, me and Superman."

Before Clark and Diana can ferret out who this weasel is, he flies off to bust more crime. They head off with him to observe. And probably to take notes since he did so much better than they did against Atomic Skull and Major Disaster. And on his first showing too!

This new threat is to a bank so it really should be low priority. But Wonderstar is new to the superheroing business and he has yet to learn that foiling bank robberies is old school Golden and Silver Age crap that nobody deals with anymore. This is the Modern Age, Wonderstar! Heroes don't foil crime anymore! They're either too busy defending themselves against their nemesis's evil schemes or they're saving the multiverse. The fucking cops can handle the bank robberies and the hostage situations.

Mammoth, Debutante, and Crash are the current culprits although they're just pawns in this scheme just like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster. Who is behind this series of crimes and injustice?!

Debutante describes the person that gave her a portal device as a "mini-sized madman." Taking into account the high tech device, and since Mammoth is here, she must be talking about Gizmo.

First thing my father told me when I was starting Junior High! Followed up by "Don't trust the black kids" and "The Mexicans will steal your lunch money" and "If you have to make friends with some coloreds, stick with them Orientals."

That caption was my indelicate way of pointing out how sexist Debutante's comment was! Peter J. Tomasi is really digging into women this issue, isn't he?! Did he just get divorced? I know the statement is just a characterization of a person named "Debutante" but it doesn't really jive well after that initial page proclaiming that women are baffling, inscrutable arrogant monsters more vulnerable than the nearly invulnerable Achilles!

Wonder Woman uses her lasso (sneakily and in a manipulative way, the vixen!) to figure out that Wonderstar is free of any ill will or hidden motives. As far as she can tell, anyway. If he is the creation of a God, I don't think her lasso is really of much use.

Whoops!

Wonderstar turns out to be Magog because why the fuck not, you know?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. This shit is out of control, man! I think Tomasi has been getting drunk while writing the scripts to this comic book. And I guess since both Superman and Wonder Woman star in this book, the villains have to be the baddest of the bad. A little Doomsday. A little Brainiac (super overpowered cosmic Brainiac, of course). And now Magog (backed by a god!)?

Kerpow!