Batgirl #38

Is this how Batgirl's back was broken?

Deary Diary,

Today while enjoying a Twix at the student union and minding my own business and practically not being opinionated at all, some huge C-word called me "tone deaf" and "problematic"! It's like you can't even speak positively about Batman without everybody instantly believing you agree with his brutal tactics or his patriarchal corporate support or how he's become the first step in the gentrification of every gentrified neighborhood in Gotham. Hello, college students? Does nobody teach the term "cognitive dissonance" anymore?! After that, my Twix tasted like farts.

I mean, seriously Diary, it's like you can't say anything without having to footnote the ever stinking hell out of it! Every time I say something in class, I have to explain and explain and explain before some creepy ism-bully gets the wrong idea and turns the whole room against me! It's exhausting! And forget trying to backpedal once somebody has already misunderstood you! You're forever tainted because they're a huge idiot trying to look like the smartest person in the room and can never admit that maybe they made a mistake in their seemingly brilliant deconstruction of your words and that maybe I'm not as "gross" as they think I am! Ugh. I hope they get cancer of the everything.

Oh! One more thing before I tell you all about my most recent Mystery! I was finishing up a paper earlier in the computer lab and trying to think up the term "cultural appropriation." I know I have an eiditic memory but that doesn't always help when my brain won't spit out the word I know I want but can't quite seem to find inside my gorgeous face. So to solve the Mystery of the Word My Brain Decided I Couldn't Have, I went on Google and typed "white people black culture." And BANG BANG WET THE BED, the first link was an article on Cultural Appropriation. Batman might be The World's Greatest Detective but Batgirl is the World's Greatest Googler.

That sounded dirty! I'll think up a better nickname later!

Ha ha! Grump Canary is so pissed that I'm super popular and she's broke ass broke!

That was the last known photograph of Batgirl and Grump Canary together ever in the history of all future space and time because she decided to move out finally. And by "decided to," I kicked her the fuck out for being a jerk! Sorry about the language, Diary, but you know how I get when I'm trying to write in you but the pages are covered in my tears. Why does she think she knows what's best for me?! I make better decisions than she does sometimes! I mean seriously, she's dating Condom?! That guy is so creepy stalkery weird! And, let's face it, his costume is stupid as stupid goes. I mean, the colors are kind of on point, maybe a little darker purple and they'd be on pointer. But anyway! She chewed me out and I told her to move out!

I wonder if she's pissed that I owe her all that money for burning down her place and yet I haven't even helped her out. And then she sees me in a brand new costume with obviously two hundred plus dollar boots and she sees me with all my new Qadir technology and then I'm always on my smart phone with all the new apps and paying beaucoup bucks for my internet and college and sexy clothes.

Diary, don't tell her I said this but maybe I shouldn't have kicked her out? She's only trying to be a good friend while I spiral deeper and deeper into the narcissism of my new Burnside life. But then again, maybe she should just be happy for me! For once I'm having a life of my own that isn't predicated on What Would Batman Do?! I'm sure she'll get over it. Right, Diary?

Anyswayze, did I mention I was working on getting tickets to the policeman's balls?

Yes, Diary! Liam and I are dating! Although it's already been two dates and I don't think he knows how to play baseball! You should see what I was wearing! Second base was hanging out all over the place and he just kept staring longingly at first trying to figure out how to get there! You know what? Fuck baseball! I want to know if this guy plays Scrabble!

Whoa. Just thinking about his face in my Scrabble tiles made my legs go all jelly. Diary, sex had better live up to all these good time feelings just thinking about it gives me!

There's just the smallest, teensiest, weeniest little problem with Liam: he hates Batgirl. Poop.

I'm sure he'd change his mind if he got a close up look at my butt in the suit!

This is how I know I've been hanging around with Batman too much, Diary! People like sexy, did-you-see-his-fantastic-bulge Liam are now conflating his tactics with mine! I don't break the law! Unless you count the little laws that aren't really laws as laws. Like I probably shouldn't be trespassing. And I will admit to causing a bit of property damage every night swinging around with my Bat-Grapple. But it can't be illegal just happening upon a crime and stopping it yourself, right?! It might be careless or stupid but then it's also safer for the criminal! If I were to call the cops, they'd storm in guns blazing, possibly killing the perp. I don't kill! And I also don't break bones or do serious damage to criminals like Batdad! Criminals are lucky to be caught by me! I bet most of them put the experience in their spank bank!

I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realizes the super sexy vagina he's putting his manly man rod into is the same vagina on Batgirl! Not that he's done that yet! That was me fantasizing and messing up my pajama bottoms!

Oh yeah. Total La Brea Tar Panties now.

Whoops! I shouldn't have put that picture in my head! Now the first time Liam and I do it, I'm going to picture his cock as a saber toothed tiger sinking into my tar pit. I know I'm going to laugh until I pee! And that's probably not a turn on! And if it is a turn on for him, it'll be a turn off for me! Oh the humanity!

What if he is into pee play?! Do I skip my chance just because he likes to guzzle a little drizzle?! I think sex is going to be complicated!

Okay! Enough about my love life. Did I mention Grump Canary is now singing in a band?! I was hoping they call themselves Chocolate Starfish but they came up with a stupid name: Ashes on Sunday! What does that even mean?! And isn't it dangerous for Dinah to be singing in front of crowds of people?! What if she accidentally drops a Canary Scream?! Boy, she tells me I'm being irresponsible! She's being irresponsible!

And did I mention I'm pretty much screwed because I still don't have my thesis salvaged from my crashed hard drive and my adviser is coming back from his trip and wants to discuss it?! And did I mention that even Nadimah seems to hate Batgirl even though she was talking about some creep named Jordan Barberi who stars on a reality show called Gotham Heights?!

Speaking of Jordan Barberi, that's my next Mystery! I call it The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law! I'll show him above the law! To the Batgirl Cycle!

So I got a little careless, Diary! I'm Batgirl!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Diary! I'm just proving Liam's point getting involved in dangerous car chases. I don't need you lecturing me too! Staring at me with all your blank pages saying, "Contemplate your past actions! Learn from your mistakes! Meditate on future, better courses of action!" I get it, Diary, I get it! You don't think fate decided to teach me a lesson right then and there, Diary? Yeah. Ugh. Now shut up and let me finish The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law and How It Led To Me Probably Never Getting Laid Ever!

Yes, I caused Jordan to crash into a diner. And yes, Liam saw the whole thing and tried to arrest me. And yes, I completely humiliated him and caused him to fail at his job. And yes, I feel all horrible about it. Especially when he had to tell me all about it over coffee this morning. And I had to act all sympathetic and sweet and ignore all the parts of the story where he told it wrong and made it look like I was Grendel and he was Beowulf. And then he mentioned James Junior as if I'd told him about that. What?! Then his phone rang while he was in the Little Boy's Room probably touching his man-thing. Turns out it was...me calling?!

This is why I can't get laid, Diary! Maybe I should date a criminal for awhile?

I thought my life was supposed to improve out here in Burnside! Lead singer of Asses on Bumday Grump Canary had better not be behind this!

Batgirl #38 Rating: No change. Why do I like this book so much?! If this is a modern comic book then everything Dan Jurgens writes feels like it was recently found in a cave near the Dead Sea. Maybe DC should send Dan Jurgens to a mall food court to hang out for a few hours on the weekend. See what life is really like now.