Futures End #34

First hook-up of 2015: Father Time and The Atom!

I know you're all super excited about my Friends Updates but I haven't watched the second episode yet! I'm sure they spend some time in Central Perk engaging in the kind of witty banter that caused everybody watching at home to say, "Fucking White people." I mean, more probably people were sitting at home screaming with laughter while tears filled their faces, trying to catch their breath for just a moment so they could turn to their loved ones and say, "You're just like <INSERT FRIENDS CHARACTER HERE>!"

Now that we're all through with the holidays, when do all of the television shows start up again?! Especially the second half of Mad Men Season 7! I feel like I've been waiting a year for that season to continue!

When Futures End #33 ended, Firestorm was about to be killed by Doctor Polaris. Doctor Polaris is able to manipulate magnetic fields which allows him to control metal. If only Firestorm had the ability to defend against non-organic substances! Harumph! Poor Madison and Jason are doomed!

Ha ha! She's bad at superheroing because she's a girl!

Come on, Madison! Don't bring shame to the name of my alter ego! Not Tess but my other alter ego! No, not Grunion Guy, the other one! Not The Red Lizard either! Man, I just realized I have a lot of alter egos. Madison is the name of my high-voiced character that I use while playing First Person Shooters. Madison is super friendly and just wants everybody to have a good time! Madison also gets called horrible names quite frequently. Hey, did you guys know that a high percentage of people who play multiplayer video games are jerks? You'd be surprised!

Madison should be able use her powers instinctively to fight back and save her life instead of lifting up her skirts and yelling, "Eeek! A Doctor Polaris!" The first time some random guy attacked me on the street, I knew enough to bash him over the head with my skateboard and begin screaming like a madman that I was going to kill him as I chased him back the way he'd come. Then later that night when his friend tracked me and my friend down to a 7-11 and his friend punched me in the face, I knew to get back up off the ground, smash this new asshole in arm as hard as I could with the trucks on my skateboard (I was aiming for his face but he blocked. Lucky for him!) which drove that guy away as well, even though he was about a foot taller than me and had huge muscles. The next day, I could barely lift my arm from swinging the skateboard so hard. My friend Paul and I actually waited for the cops after that incident to report what happened and the police had just come from talking to the other guys (who called the cops on us! Jerks!) and one of the cops said to me, and I might be misquoting him a bit here but I think I have the general message behind what he said at the time: "Those other guys are fucked up and bleeding all over the place." I think I would have made a natural Firestorm!

Meanwhile, The Atom and Father Octocock engage in a lively debate about whether The Engineer has been compromised by Brainiac (she has. She's always being compromised by everything!). Father Octocock agrees with me. But The Atom has a different point of view on the subject. I think he's going to give an elegant defense for his position!

A Shrink R.A.Y.! So it does exist! Batman of Japan is going to be ecstatic when he learns he'll be able to fuck his sidekick now!

Palmer removers Father Octocock from the body it had created around it and waves it around like a pom-pom. That's when Frankenstein is shot in the back by a SHADE Agent and Amethyst declares, "He's dying!" How can she tell?

Back in Las Vegas, Voodoo, Mercy, and Bangers and Mash are just waiting around until they hear from Sgt. Rock or King Faraday about their next mission. They were supposed to kill Fifty Sue but it looks like she's now on their team. And Brother Eye has been taken care of, so now what do they do?

Yay! A new mission! Or an invite to play some World of Greyhawk.

Over in New York City, Terry McBatman is about to learn the hard way that when speaking to your internal A.I. Butler (or wherever he's located. Where is he located? In the future?), sometimes other people are listening in. Oh, and other people are always listening in to everything if the other person is The Batman. And now that Batman is doing some detective work on his own, perhaps he won't try to stop Terry McBatman once he figures out what Terry is up to.

Also, he might want to join the side of the fight that doesn't have this creature on it.

Futures End #34 Rating: No change. Still not much has changed since Cadmus Island was destroyed. It feels like everybody is regrouping and getting ready to face the next battle they don't yet know is coming: Brainiac! Okay, Father Time knows Brainiac is coming. But who's going to believe a cock-faced octopus? There's only one thing I'm not yet sure about:

When did these characters enter the story and what the fuck Earth are they from?