Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Justice League Dark #37

This is my favorite Darwyn Cooke cover yet because it has Rac Shade on it. Kind of.

I've been rewatching the Friday the 13th movies over the last few days and it makes me nostalgic for the days when female nipples poked through shirts. We don't get enough of that in magazines and television and movies today. Nipples have been wiped off the face of the Earth thanks to photoshop and overly concerned mothers! Actually, it was probably overly concerned wives tired of their husbands watching Three's Company with their hands down their pants. And if I were one to notice (which I'm not because I'm all man!), some of the pants and shorts on those guys are pretty fucking snug!

I'd forgotten how truly boring and not very frightening the first movie was. Probably because I first saw it when I was ten years old, so I just thought it was terrifying. It has a variety of scenes that don't take place in the Camp and don't involve young, beautiful people, and aren't scary in the least. And those scenes are oddly compelling. Like when the police officer is in the diner flirting with the middle aged proprietor. Nothing fucking happens in this scene and I really don't know why it, and several other scenes, are included. It was almost (I'm not going to say "Lynchian" like everybody likes to say to describe something weird but I'll say something close to it!) Twin Peaksy. It could have been Dale Cooper sent out to investigate Camp Crystal Lake! Now I want to see that movie!

The second film was a little scarier but it's still the kind of scary reliant on a quick and gory death scene. The music ramps up just enough so that you know exactly when the blade is going to fall. The characters check the door that you're sure the killer will be behind, thus ensuring that the killer won't appear until the room is checked out and the door is closed again. The only time it gets somewhat scary is when it's down to the last woman (the Survivor!) and she's being chased by Jason.

In both movies, there was a moment that seemed to be leading up to a big, gory death scene but ends in just a cut away. Later, the victims are seen as corpses. I wonder if that was planned or if the special effect to kill the person just didn't come out right and so ended up on the cutting room floor?

I'm currently in the middle of Friday the 13th Part III in 3D! This is the era where 3D movies were written around the concept of 3D, so every few minutes, a character throws something or sticks something or knocks something directly into the camera. Even though it's not available in 3D on Netflix (why not?! I have old 3D glasses!), I still make certain to jump when a stick or weapon flies into my face, or act grossed out when a human eyeball or a rat nearly climbs out of my television screen.

The timeline for the movies is weird too! The first one takes place in 1980. Then the second one takes place five years after the 1980 massacre at Camp Crystal Lake. So it's kind of a sci-fi thriller! Taking place four years after the release of the movie! Then the third one takes place the day after the second one. So Saturday the 14th, I guess? Maybe this was a year that had two Friday the 13ths in a row. That happens sometimes, right?

Since this is technically a comic book blog, I should get around to talking about Justice League Dark. I think in this issue, we're going to find out what happened to Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (my favorite!).

Old people and unborn babies? Worst world ever!

Madame Xanadu, Deadman, and Black Orchid meet a winged man in a floating chair named Arif, Lord of Now. No, Lord of Now. No wait, now! No, now! Now?

I don't know. It's one of those nows. But only one of them! Arif points out that where he lives, there is only the one moment but it lasts for eternity and kind of acts like linear time, as everybody may have noticed by the fact that his sentence began with one syllable and ran through a whole bunch more syllables and then ended on a different syllable. Instead of, you know, all of the syllables being blatted out in a bunch. Because of the one moment. So instead of, "I am Arif, Lord of Now!", it probably would have sounded more like "💬!"

They're fed a meal? But if there is no later, how are they going to shit?

Imagine if you were about to sneeze and you were suddenly transported to the Land of Now! You'd spend eternity on the verge of sneezing. How would you get anything done?! What if Madame Xanadu had just sharted from fright as she entered the World of Now? Stuck forever with shitty panties! What if you were orgasming as you entered!? Awesome! And messy!

Madame Xanadu decides to cast a spell to find a way out. It works about as well as you'd expect an incantation that needs to be recited in linear time would work when attempted in a single moment.

There are laws to magic? Why bother?! I thought it was all shortcuts and freebies! You know, as long as you can find some sap to absorb the price.

Madame Xanadu wanders off to spend time with Arif, a guy she's known forever whom she just met. Deadman and Black Orchid decide to go investigate the Beyond Beyond, a place beyond places. No, more beyond. Beyonder than that! Way, way beyond!

Madame Xanadu's date is super boring. Especially since it's mostly Xanadu Narration Boxing how much fun she's having. You would think if there were only the one moment, they'd just get on with the fucking already.

Deadman and Black Orchid encounter a guardian keeping them from the Beyond Beyond. Well, that won't do! It's time for the big fight scene!

Before? Before when? Before now? But that was now!

Before the fight can finish, Deadman sees something coming out of the Beyond Beyond. I bet it's a magic sailing ship full of vampires and demons and monsters and swamp things!

Xanadu kisses Arif and he dies of old age. I knew Madame Xanadu would be the worst at kissing! I think she once did the same thing to Jason Blood! Maybe. I might just be making that up to ruin her reputation.

After Arif dies, Deadman and Black Orchid come surfing in on a big wave of Beyond. And Zatanna winds up in a tree or something.

Justice League Dark #37 Rating: No change. This was the worst chapter of them all "The Amber of the Moment" chapters so far! I didn't feel like I was in a timeless place at all! I just felt like I was in a place where people talked about time as if it didn't exist but it did exist and they were just too stupid to realize it. This issue did remind me that Black Orchid is fucking adorable with those freckles and eyelashes. Also, her name is Alba Garcia. Did we know that yet? Well now we do! No, now we do! No, now! Now?

No comments:

Post a Comment