Thursday, January 15, 2015

World's End #14

Hunt is a good word! Especially when it follows a word ending in a /k/ sound!

Why has my internet suddenly started warning me that there is too much recursion?! It's just now figuring that out about itself?! Come on, internet! It's one of the main reasons I love you so much!

World's End always fucks up my rhythm while doing comic book commentaries. I can be enjoying myself and reading comic books, occasionally fantasizing about being a swimsuit model for a bit before excitedly diving back into my comic books. I find myself eager to pick up the next book as soon as I put the last one down. But when I see World's End on the top of the stack, I freeze up. It's like going on a date with somebody you have nothing in common with. It's like holding a conversation where I have to do all of the work! It's like modeling my bikini on the beach with a lackluster director of photography. It's like having sex with a partner that may possibly have died halfway through the act and you didn't really notice until you finished.

Hmm. That was morbid. See? This is why comedy has the Rule of Three! You state two normal things and then a jokey thing. But I went for a fourth thing and it took us all too far! Comedy is dangerous!

I wish I could convince my readers that what I was doing was comedy.

This issue begins with Commander Khan thinking the most wrong thing he's ever thought in his life. Aside from that time he met Chris Hansen.

I think Darkseid might be suffering from several severe hernias. (This caption makes no sense because I did not scan as much of the picture as I thought I had.)

I don't have to describe how Commander Khan's plan ended in an encounter with a pair of Omega Beams, do I?

Where does Fox find all these kids that can cook any meal in the world for their Masterchef Junior program? I bet all of their parents have waxed mustaches and Betty Page haircuts! I'm not judging. I'm a gambler. I'm playing the odds!

Everybody is moving into Atom's Haven because where else are they going to go? Remain above ground where they'll be crushed by bits of falling moon or drowned in a massive tidal wave or slaughtered by the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips, or are they going to go underground and live in an unstable cavern that was forced into being and never reinforced? I think I'd take my chances on the surface.

Since it's the end of the world, Ted Grant teaches Dick Grayson how to fight. I guess that's a good thing if he ever gets tossed into Thunderdome, but I think he'd be better off learning how to drive a car. On the road is where the true battles of the apocalyptic wasteland are going to take place.

Down in the Geneva Firepit, the good guys are still having trouble battling giant red animals even though two of them are Kryptonian. Although Kal-el has lost his powers and is completely useless now. Although probably not as useless as Val-el who is a pacifist and refuses to punch people in the face.

Now wait a second! Punching lions is okay?! What a dick!

The Avatars of the Earth get a boost of power from the Parliaments of Earth or whatever they're called. If they have so much power, why don't they do the fighting themselves? Why the need for an avatar when they are fucking avatars themselves?! They're just fucking middle management types! Anyway, the big battle between the Human Avatars and the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips won't take place until Earth 2 #30, I think. My main clue is that they're on the cover of that comic book with copy that reads "Avatars attack!"

The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick comes up with one of those comic book theories that don't really have any evidence to back them up but they're needed to advance the plot and are usually correct. You know those theories, right? Well, he decides that Famine isn't dead because they never saw the body after Famine died. So if they can only find Famine, they can interrogate Famine and ask her how to kill the other Horsewomen of the Apokolips. I'm actually on board with this plan because not only did I never see Famine's body after she was defeated, I never saw her be defeated! When the fuck did that happen? Did I stroke out why reading it? Not once did I read a Narration Box that said, "And in a great, piercing cry of hunger...not just the hunger for physical sustenance but the hunger for knowledge, and the hunger for meaning, and the hunger for that cute little number that takes your coffee orders in the morning who sometimes touches your hand when giving you your change...Famine was suddenly no more. Consumed by her own gluttonous heart!"

I wonder if DC would hire me to write Narration Boxes?

The only problem with the Fab Four's "Famine McCartney is Dead" theory is that the other members of the Horsewomen of Apokolips already talked it out and mentioned how they could no longer feel their partner's existence. Perhaps the emptiness they felt was actually proof that Famine still existed! Get it?! That's profound!

Famine is looking good!

Meanwhile on Apokolips Mister Terrific comes up with one of those crazy wacky comic book theories too! But since he's the Third Smartest Man on Earth-Main-Earth (but what does that make him if you include women? And cats?), I'm just going to believe everything he says. Although I bet he doesn't have an IQ better than 28!

His theory is that Mister Miracle's light discs are actually portals to other places in the Multiverse. Places with nice, hard land to stand on. I don't know why his theory couldn't have been that they're portals to just some other solid place in this universe. I guess because then he couldn't use the technology to help everybody flee to Earth-Main-Earth.

Sandman triggers one of the nuclear bombs they brought to blow up Apokolips while Fury and Mister Miracle use their foot discs to protect everybody from the blast. And that's where this issue ends. Too bad it's going to work and Michael Holt will survive to help destroy Earth-Main-Earth in five years.

World's End #14 Rating: No change. I wasn't as bored reading this comic book as I usually am! That's high praise!

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