The Multiversity: New Thunderworld Adventures #1

I hope he's called Captain Marvel in this so that he can say his own name without accidentally transforming.

This year, I'm going to steep myself in one of the most intellectually challenging television programs to ever air on network television: Friends! One episode per day for however many episodes there are! Probably like ten thousand. That's using exaggeration for comedic effect! Probably about as much comedic effect as the first episode of Friends contains! I think the first episode was mostly spent calibrating the levels on the laugh track. The rest of the episode was spent setting up the premise of the series which is that these characters are friends. Oh, it also introduced the characters! Monica is the one with a flat ass that wears potato sacks as clothing. Ross is literally a sack of potatoes. Chandler is the one that isn't as attractive as the others so he has to talk about his dreams a lot. Phoebe is the one that doesn't get as many lines as the others because she believes in wacky doodle things. Joey is the one that loves to fuck women and needs a haircut. And Rachel is the rich one that doesn't know how to live life. But she's going to learn with some help from her new friends!

From now on, my Friends Updates will appear after the comic book commentary so I don't bore everybody with intellectual criticism that's even more abstruse than my usual comic book critiques. I hope if you're interested in learning more about one of the greatest works of art ever to have been created and shown on prime time network television to millions of people who couldn't process what they were seeing because they simply didn't have the deep theological, ontological, historical, and entomological background needed to truly appreciate Friends, you won't be too intimidated by my grandiose language and join me on a journey of true discovery! Plus I think later there is a monkey in it!

Until my next Friends update, we'll immerse ourselves in less highbrow waters by reading the next tale in Grant Morrison's "The Multiversity" series. This one takes place on Thunderworld, an aptly named Earth because people that yell "Shazam!" cause thunder and lightning. Or maybe just certain people who found themselves in front of an old wizard who gave them the power of the Rock of Eternity. And then a whole slew of other people (and a tiger!) that Billy Batson decided to share his power with. What a good kid, that Billy!

Our story begins, as every true Captain Marvel story does, at The Rock of Eternity where the old wizard Shazam is suddenly faced with a rival Rock!

It's a tale of science versus magic! Although probably not as satisfying as the tale on the same topic being woven by Ann Nocenti over in Klarion.

By speaking Dr. Sivana's name aloud, his children now become Scientific Marvels! Obviously superior than the crappy old Magic Marvels that rely on superstition and make-believe to power them.

Holy heck! What's going on in my pants area?! SHAAAAAAAAZAM!

Down in Fawcett City, Billy Batson encounters Billy Batson from one day in the future! Unless it's two days in the future since the calendar suddenly contains a new day called Sivanaday. That's the day Captain Marvel is killed by Black Sivana, his brother, and their sister with the huge swooners and the long gams and the tight little mini-skirt!

Holy heck! What's that funny feeling I'm feeling inside my lower belly?!

Captain Marvel lets out his mighty Marvel Whistle to summon the rest of the Marvel Family to help battle the Sivana Family. Oh man. I hope Mary Marvel isn't as hot as Georgia, Sivana's daughter, because I might just go crazy with lust! I'd better pull out my mattress full of cornflakes so I don't get any funny ideas tonight!

Doctor Sivana has learned about the Multiverse and its parallel Earths by reading Grant Morrison's comic books. Now the Doctor Sivana's across all the universes have teamed up to create Sivanaday, the Day In Which Captain Marvel Dies! One of Doctor Sivana's counterparts is a snake. Is he Doctor Hissivana? Ha ha! That's just the kind of witty joke that the residents of Fawcett City would appreciate, seeing as how it wasn't blue at all!

Now Doctor Sivana is turning the Rock of Eternity into a cube farm. He's putting down awfully cheap carpet, installing florescent lights, and sprucing the place up with potted cacti. I'm sure the motivational posters and the Human Resources department aren't far behind. Doctor Sivana has realized the one true way to suck the magic out of the heart of the world: turn it into an office!

Arg! Whack! Oof! I think...I think...NO! The wizard is getting a case of the Mondays!

As Captain Marvel battles the Sivana Family, The Marvel Family shows up to, um, battle the Sivana Family too! Maybe I should have thought a little harder on that sentence construction. But I was kind of distracted by the strangest feelings in my lower body. It's as if I really need to pee but in a super good way!

Look at where her arm...and the way her leg...oh...oh my...*shudder*.

Junior knocks Black Junior to the moon while Georgia compares her body with Mary Marvel's. If "compare" is the right word! Why am I suddenly picturing apples and oranges?! Big, ripe, luscious oranges and little, tiny perky apples?

Somebody's about to wish they were wearing something other than spandex!

Junior tricks Georgia into saying "Sivana" and she turns back into her regular old self. Well, that was a stupid plan, Junior. Although if I were confronted with her, um, her, well, her everything and I was wearing spandex, I'd probably want her to not look like she's been looking because total embarrassment, right?! I mean, not for me though! Everybody would look at my pants area and say, "Whoa. Why do they call you Junior?!"

I hope guys with big dongs brag about their big dongs so it doesn't look like I'm bragging about having a big dong because I might have a little dong! I mean, they do because my dong is so big, you wouldn't believe! But not too big if too big is undesirable to the ladies! Then it's the perfect size, probably! No wait! It's a little bigger than the perfect size! Which is actually the perfect size!

While the Mavels battled the Sivanas, Doctor Sivana let loose The Monster Society!

It's Tawny the Tiger! Silly tiger! Monster-hunting weapons are for kids!

Captain Marvel heads to the Rock of Eternity to punch Doctor Sivana's teeth straight! All of the other Doctor Sivanas are giddy with blood lust!

Well, most of them, anyway.

On board the scientific Rock of Eternity, Captain Marvel confronts the true Black Sivana, a monster created from pure science which seems a lot like magic. Captain Marvel kind of points out the same thing. But first he needs to travel to yesterday to warn himself to not ignore the warning which he warned himself of yesterday. The warning makes Captain Marvel aware that Sivanaday is the shortest day of the year because the Alternate Earth Sivanas cheated Earth-5 Sivana by giving him shitty Suspemdium! And once Sivanaday ends, Black Sivana is no more! Captain Marvel wins again!

Oh man how I would wreck that smile. Um, I mean, three cheers for the Marvel Family! Hip hip hooray! And two more!