Saturday, January 17, 2015

Detective Comics #38

Great. Now The Flash is 75?!

DC Comics should really remove the "Batman" from the title of this comic book. There's no reason it couldn't also feature Harvey Bullock or Renee Montoya every month. They're detectives too. Although if I remember correctly, Montoya hasn't appeared in The New 52 yet, so she might not be a detective. But they could feature Maggie Sawyer instead! Because she's a lesbian. I mean, a detective. I mean, she is both but she'd be in this book because she's a detective and not because she's a lesbian. Although DC might sell more copies of this comic book if it were retitled to "Batman: Lesbian Comics."

Last issue ended with Wayne Tower being lit up like Hester Prynne's dress. This issue will probably begin with Batman chuckling over the fact that the government is going to have to pay for all the damage while he simply walks away from the huge mess.

Christmas morning for Gotham begins with a televised message from Anarky full of the spirit of the holiday.

The greatest warden in this prison is the one that causes people to think, after they've read this statement, "Right! Everybody but me."

Anarky's present to everybody is a Rip-off Guy Fawkes mask and the erasure of any record of who they are. The people of Gotham are now ghosts to bureaucracy! They're free of the shackles of their permanent records! Their bank accounts have been emptied and they...whoa whoa whoa! Why ya gotta take our money, bruh? I mean, I was with you right up until you made me poor and homeless. Can't we do this anarchy thing in baby steps?

At least Batman had nothing to lose, or he'll now have nothing to lose when the Government takes all of his shit, depending on when this story takes place. I'm sure an editor told me last issue but that detail is long gone, taken by despair, alcohol, and the constant decay of time.

Apparently the erasure of everybody's identity doesn't faze the vapid local morning television personalities because they continue on with their day calling each other by the names they've always called each other and not wearing their masks. What is wrong with these morons?! You've been freed from the least important and most annoying job on the planet! You can do anything you want now! Stop reporting on idiotic local bullshit! Stop reminding people every five minutes that you're the best source for local news at a time that your station chose specifically because no other local stations present news at that hour! Go do something worthwhile! Lie in the park for five hours just watching the clouds! Write a goddamn poem with the word fuck in it! Go buy a kid's BMX bike and learn to bunny hop! Spin until you vomit! Masturbate off the top of a fifty story building and let your seed and/or vaginal secretions fly in the wind! Punch your stupid, smarmy weatherman on national television and kick him in the balls in front of the green screen! Don't you idiots understand the gift you've been given?! Anarky even gave you a literal gift because you're all so hung up on the use of the word "literal"!

Who could this Anarky possibly be? I bet it's Detective Yip!

Bullock begins sniffing around councilman Sam Young as a suspect in the Jeb Lester murder. That means that Sam Young definitely isn't Anarky because Bullock is a terrible detective and not the world's greatest at all, no matter what his mug says!

Batman continues the investigation as well. He doesn't question Sam Young at all because he knows Bullock is questioning him which means Sam Young can't possibly be Anarky. Instead, Batman does some field work as Matches Malone and then heads into Blackgate as Batman to threaten the Mad Hatter some more. Just for fun, I suppose.

Batman's good time rough 'em up gets interrupted by a robbery at Gotham National because most people think that anarchy equals crime. So now that they've been cut loose from the grid and can do anything they want, they decide that murder and mayhem could be fun. That doesn't make any sense to me. If you're living your life in an ethical manner only because you feel constrained by the laws of the land, you might be a sociopath! Or a teenager.

Batman busts up the bank robbery which ends in a chase which ends in Detective Yip shooting a fleeing subject and killing an innocent citizen. Some witnesses nearby choose to believe Batman killed the kid because everybody was given the gift of freedom, right? So why wouldn't Batman suddenly begin killing unarmed citizens?! It's practically a freebie.

But now that Detective Yip has completely fucked up at her job, Detective Bullock probably has a chance with her! They already both love peeing analogies! Now they're both shit at their jobs. They were made for each other!

Detective Comics #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sometimes when reading a piece of entertainment, you have to allow the writer to make certain claims and then you have to trust those claims as being true for at least as long as the piece. So you (and possibly I, but being the author of the piece, what kind of control do I really have over its interpretation) may not think that Bullock is the worst detective ever. But if you just let your belief go and accept the fact that he is the worst while reading this, it might be more enjoyable. Then you can sit back and yell out loud as you read, "Yes! Bullock totally is the worst ever! Ha ha!"

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