Saturday, January 24, 2015

Worlds' Finest #30

Intri just looks mildly annoyed. Like her jello mold didn't turn out, and Batman arrived before she could get the cucumber sandwiches plated, and Superman broke her "massager".

Ever since this comic book stopped being about Super Friendship, it became super terrible. I would say, "Who needed another Superman and Batman title?", but I already know the answer to that. Apparently the fans that actually pay for DC Comic Books pay for comic books starring Batman. Boring fucks. Stop supporting Batman over everybody else! He isn't that fucking interesting.

You know who's interesting? Power Girl's boobs! I mean, Power Girl! And The Huntress! And their friendship! And how they go on adventures and support each other and eat ice cream together and talk about how Power Girl fucks lots of guys while The Huntress side-eyes all of Power Girl's life choices! And now they're not in this comic book anymore! And probably just before the story where Power Girl's water went out and the city was demanding that everybody conserve water so she had to go shower with The Huntress! Now that story line is probably going to be used for Batman and Superman! Nice going, comic book fans that didn't support the Super Best Friends! Now I'm going to have to deal with the emotional confusion of getting an erection while looking at Clark and Bruce soap each other up!

I'll settle for these two showering together! I promise I won't be looking at Robin's underage fiddly bits! Not when Catwoman's are flapping all over the shower!

Catwoman and Robin steal a Segway from a guard on the docks and then I make an Arrested Development joke and create new lyrics to The Final Countdown. It's super hilarious, you guys!

Selina and Helena are out trying to rescue some women being held in a shipping container to be sold to slavers. It's the worst plot a comic book could use because how am I supposed to make jokes about human trafficking?

How many sex slaves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but you have to break dozens of international laws and be a complete immoral bastard simply for a little bit of light.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sex slave!
Sex slave who?!
Ha ha! I am not a sex slave at all! I am a federal agent in disguise! Now get on your knees, you filthy pig and international criminal and the worst piece of filth on Earth! You are lucky I do not put a bullet in your head! It's more than you deserve!

While Catwoman and Robin fall into the trap set for them, Terry Sloan tells his butler, "Ha ha! I am smart!" Then the scene shifts to Clark and Lois's place.

Kryptonite must come into play during Clark and Lois's fuck sessions or how else would Clark even feel anything? Maybe Lois wears a diaphragm made from a red sun?

Back on the docks, Batman comes to Catwoman and Robin's rescue because women, right?! Batman simply shows his face and the gangsters who trapped his family all activate the Semtex hidden in their teeth. Or maybe their teeth were made from Semtex so when they were scared and their teeth chattered, they'd blow up. It's a perfect plan! I mean, a perfect alternate plan for when your imperfect plan fails.

Later or something, Terry Sloan introduces Superman to Kryptonite. But only because Superman didn't remember being introduced to Kryptonite by Earth-Main-Earth Batman back in Batman Loves Superman, the Early Issues. During the festivities, Intri shows up because why not? The story was just getting interesting so let's snooze it up a bunch by letting Ms. Snoozefest show up.

Either her beehive hairdo is off-kilter or she ran out of the salon without removing the hair dryer. Or she has an actual beehive on her head!

Intri, once again, tries to get Superman to come with her to Apokolips because she's so Goddamned thirsty. But Superman says, "No!", and Batman says, "Yeah! I mean, no as well but yeah to agreeing with my friend!"

See, on Earth-2, Superman and Batman are friends. I know it's confusing!

Intri does have some great fucking heels though.

Remember how in that movie Explorers, the idiotic alien beings were fascinated by I Love Lucy and other old shows? In like sixty years, I'm going to make a movie where we're visited by a race of aliens whose culture was highly influenced by Dish Network signals of Mad Men! The most unbelievable plot point is that aliens were able to pick up a Dish Network signal without a Dish Network representative arriving on the alien planet and spending two hours every day for five weeks carefully trying to position the receiver so it could get a signal.

Is Intri's name supposed to have a connection of some sort to the sign nailed into the crucifix above Jesus's head? Is she King of the Jews? Where is her kingdom? Look at me? Am I a Jew?

While Superman lies around like a lazy bastard pretending that Kryptonite hurts him (he's such a faker baby!), Batman forces both Intri and Sloan to back down. Why does Earth even need more than one superhero? And by that one superhero, I am, of course, speaking of Björk. I mean Batman.

Intri winds up back on Apokolips without Superman and Sloan winds up back in his love nest with his lover Aadarash, his new pet rock, and his new prisoner, Val-el. And that's the last of that issue!

Worlds' Fines #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than the other issues for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I was just in a better mood. Or maybe I actually enjoyed the art which probably wasn't to a lot of people's tastes but reminded me a bit of Crumb's work with a bit more polish and spit. And less semen and nipples.

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