World's End #26

I forgot to buy my cake topped with Oreos to eat in celebration when I finish this issue.

Last issue, Queen Lantern was the last superhero on Earth-2 still standing. He came flying in with the background music rising and going, "Scott! He saved every one of us!" Then Brian Blessed with wings flew by and was, "Who wants to live forever?!" And a bunch of people raised their hands before meekly putting them back down when they realized it was a rhetorical question being used as a battle cry to rally the troops. Then some more laser sounds went "Pyew pyew pyew!" And then, according to this cover, I guess Darkseid defeated Alan Scott and everybody went, "Awww." And then they died.

I should stop making up my own ending and read the one I paid for.

Alan Scott comes flying in and sucker punches Darkseid. He now has the power of all The Green from all existing universes so he expects his punch to smash clean through Darkseid. Instead it just bounces off and Darkseid is all, "OMEGA BEAMS BITCH!" But then Darkseid turns his back on Alan Scott because he's overconfident. So he misses it when Alan Scott heals the rest of the heroes and then dies. Or doesn't die. He does have Solomon Grumpy inside him now. So maybe it's time for Solomon Grumpy to be the hero! Although it will probably be Sam whispering that he loves and believes in Alan that will get Alan moving again.

I guess the Mister Misters are up in space just cooling their heels waiting for the survivors' ships to arrive. They're going to be waiting for a long time because apparently all of the ships crashed. Now Val-el has to go save as many survivors as he can while Power Girl and Tornado Lane distract Darkseid by headbutting his fists a whole bunch of times.

I hope we get a few pages of Dick looking for his son soon!

At this point, I just feel embarrassed for the Earth-2 heroes whenever they claim that they'll defeat Darkseid or stop Apokolips.

I guess headbutting his fists wasn't the best plan. Weird how I knew they'd try it though. Poor, predictable fools of Earth-2.

Kalibak and the Reapers and the Protofuries and the Parademons and the Hunger Dogs and the Female Furies and the War Hounds and whatever other monsters of Apokolips I've forgotten begin killing any survivors of the crashed fleets they can find. The escape plan has become a total clustefuck which is why the worst character in The New 52 has come to watch. That character's name is Oracle and fuck him. Why do writers keep acknowledging his existence?! Having a character that flies around watching worlds die while it neither acts nor speaks is exactly the same as having no character at all.

Sam does appear to Alan but for the exact opposite reason I thought he would. He tells Alan to just die already because he's lost and it's all over. What a jerk!

I bet Alan also forgets that he's gay!

Alan Scott turns into the Earth-2 version of the White Lantern. Although is he really even Alan Scott anymore? I guess he died and went to heaven with Sam. Or wherever homosexuals go where they die. Wherever it is, you know it's better than the Christian heaven. I hope they allow dead heterosexuals in.

All of the normal humans are now getting slaughtered and it's hilarious. The heroes of Earth-2 are the worst! I can't take any of them seriously when I see them falling at the hands of Kalibak who was defeated on Earth-Main-Earth by a cow turd. The people and heroes of Earth-2 are worse than a cow pie!

But wait! The new and improved and probably like 95% less gay Green Lantern has arrived with some words of wisdom!

I have no idea what this means.

Green Lantern says some other stuff that I don't really understand and then punches Darkseid with infinite earths. That's a pretty good killing blow! Although it's still no Batcow manure.

Speaking of cowshit, let's see how well this batch fares against Kalibak.

I just wish they'd get to their final destination already! I don't mean death. I mean their new Earth home in a new universe.

Dick Grayson makes an appearance but he isn't searching for his son. Instead he's using a comically huge wrench to fix a gun so that Replacement Batman can shoot one last useless round at something. Probably Kalibak.

Green Lantern begins transporting the survivors to...somewhere. I guess he's floating them up to the Mister Misters ship. Maybe Replacement Batman's last round will be used to blast Darkseid in the head to give Green Lantern enough time to save the last of the Twofers. Then maybe Replacement Batman will get hit by Darkseid's Omega Beams and travel back in time where he won't be able to find any Venom and die from the shock of withdrawal.

And then it all starts ramping up to the finale with quick single panel scenes of all the various characters we've come to know and despise!

Don't worry! He's not punching him! This is just a really aggressive hug!

Find Tommy? I mean Johnny?

Christ! Enough about your mom, Garrick. An outside observer might come to the conclusion that you've been fucking her.

Oh yeah!

Fuck you!

In the final moments, a mysterious red head shows up during the battle! Has she been looking for her son all of this time too? She, along with everybody else that didn't make it to the Mister Misters' ship in Green Lantern Bubbles, is blasted by one last Omega Beam from Darkseid. And that's it. The Earth is covered by Apokolips and the Mister Misters and the surviving Twofers escape on their Multiversal ship. It's a bit confusing since Earth-2 isn't technically dead. It's just been captured within an Apokoliptian shell. Green Lantern and Replacement Batman and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Notwing and Barbara Gordon and Val-el have been left behind. Apparently this story continues in Convergence #1. Which is almost the next comic I'm going to read! You know, right after Convergence #0. And maybe the Blue Devil Summer Fun Annual!

Oh, and Jay Garrick's mom survived because The Flash chose to abandon her. Or something.

World's End #26 Rating: No change. This issue was extra long so it could tie everything up but it still didn't have enough pages to tell the story in a way that wasn't constantly confusing. Plus it didn't even tie up all the loose plots! I have to continue to read this story in Convergence #1! On the positive side, that issue has different writers so the story will probably go in a totally new direction. On the negative side, one of those writers is Scott Lobdell!

And with the end of this issue, DC leaves The New 52 behind. Sure, there's still issue #40 of Superman and Batman left to appear on the new comic book racks whenever DC gets its act together. But for the most part, The New 52 label is gone. The universe is still hanging around though. It'll be interesting to see how Convergence changes up that universe though. Hopefully getting out of New York and into sunny yet smoggy Los Angeles will lighten the mood at DC Comics! They'll get more Vitamin D from the sun and more Vitamin C from the oranges and more Vitamin Mickey Mouse from Disneyland. That will cause the editors to become more upbeat, whimsical, and carefree! They'll stop trying to squeeze the happiness out of every hero. It's possible some of DC's heroes will even begin to enjoy bringing justice to evil jerks!

I just realized! Was World's End and Futures End all just a metaphor for DC Comics' move to the West Coast?!

Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

Sinestro Annual #1

Sinestro Corps! Sinestro Corps! They're here and there and everywhere!

I bet in this issue of Sinestro, Lyssa tells him something about the future and Sinestro will act on that information. He'll be cocky and condescending and act better than everybody he meets. He'll probably abuse his underlings a little bit. He'll explain how he's the master of fear. And he'll hit on Bekka by pointing out that she can't resist him. Maybe if he has time (there are a lot of extra pages in the annual), he'll mention that Hal Jordan is both his best friend and his worst enemy.

I bet in this commentary, I bitch and moan and whine and act completely disinterested. I might talk about masturbation and I'll probably say something offensive like calling somebody a retard. After that I'll act like I was using the word satirically and try to make everybody else feel stupid for not getting how I wasn't making fun of retards at all but making fun of people that would still use the word "retard" in this day and age. Then I'll probably scan in a picture where a Korugarian Refugee says something ridiculous to completely change the subject. After that, I'll just pretend that I never said anything offensive ever. Then later, if anybody calls me out on it, I'll just ignore them and they'll grow bored and go away while I continue with a new commentary where maybe I'll call somebody a cunt.

Arkillo: "You murdered one of our people!" Refugee: "We couldn't have done it because you gave us reason to do it and we hate you!"

Sinestro asks Lyssa if she can see into the future to find out who murdered the Yellow Lantern. What an idiot. She needs to be able to see into the past to see who murdered him! Does Sinestro not understand how cause and effect work?

So Sinestro tried to use prophecy but it failed. I'm sure Lyssa will spout some gibberish later that he'll try to parse. Let's see if he's acting arrogant yet?

Ding ding ding ding!

That last scene probably fell under the category of "abusing his underlings" as he gives Arkillo a tongue-lashing. Now Sinestro wanders off with Lyssa, Soranik, and Bekka to show them how he will solve the mystery of the dead Yellow Lantern.

Bekka tells Sinestro that he doesn't know her so he tells her a story about herself. It's all about how she developed a special power at about the age of fifteen. Suddenly men and women all over New Genesis were hitting on her and vying for her attention. If that's the case, why the hell did she decide to start dating Orion?

I guess that means a Yellow Lantern didn't kill the Yellow Lantern or else they'd know it. And Lyssa apparently can't see how the Yellow Lantern died from his point of view because he was killed from behind. I bet he was hit with The Stick™.

Next Sinestro tells Lyssa's story. It's about how she was locked in her uncle's secret library of occult books for months but managed to survive by eating all of the tomes.

I guess one of them must have been the Necro-nom-nom-nom-icon! Har har!

The next story is going to be about Arkillo. But where is Sinestro taking these women? He has Bekka smash down a door as they head deep into the planet. My guess is that since this was a prison planet, one of the murderous prisoners must still be living here. And it's that prisoner that killed the Yellow Lantern.

Apparently Arkillo's people were peaceful but their God had both a peaceful aspect and a violent aspect. None of them had ever followed the violent aspect until the day Arkillo became a man and killed them all. So he's the big toothed Walrus version of Lobo, I guess.

Rigen Kale fights for the glory of love or something. Whatever.

Dez was a gay serf in love with an assassin templar samurai. So I guess he fought for the glory hole of love. Or something.

That almost happened to me in college once! A guy named Mike was all, "Have you ever been with a man?" And I was all, "No." And he was all, "Do you want to be?" And I was all, "I don't know if I want to be or if you want me to want to be!"

Dez's lover abandoned him for more power and more honor and more money and a lot more pussy. So Dez killed him and became a killer of the powerful. He was like the monster in the walk-in closet full of shoes and furs and jewelry.

Sinestro and his team wind up in the nuclear power plant of the prison planet. Whoever killed the Yellow Lantern has also triggered a meltdown. Soranik is all, "How come you didn't tell my story? Also, um, how do we find the traitor?" And Sinestro is all, "I know who has betrayed me but I'm not going to tell you for three months."

Sinestro Annual #1 Rating: I bet the dead Yellow Lantern triggered the meltdown and then Sinestro killed him! Or Sinestro triggered the meltdown because he has Warworld now. What the fuck does he need with this stupid fucking planet? I don't really care who it is because how am I going to even remember that this story arc is happening in three months? Fuck. Good luck having any idea what the hell is happening when y'all pick up Sinestro #12!

Batwoman Annual #2

Break me off a piece of that Kate Kane Bar!

Back in 2003, I took an airplane to Denver. I carried with me a sealed box that was about one foot square. I had not packed this box myself. I had no idea what was in the box. But it was part of my carry-on luggage and nobody fucking questioned me about it or its contents. I guess the TSA didn't give a shit about the mishmash of weird shit they must have seen inside it via their x-ray vision box. It was full of super hero buttons and magnets and weird toys and candy and at least one bottle of Pepsi Blue. I think the only reason I wasn't hassled about it was because I had no fucking clue it might be a problem. I also didn't put my toiletries in a Ziploc bag and I'm fairly certain my deodorant was way bigger than the limit. I probably also had some Disc Golf Discs which, I'm fairly certain, can be used to hijack a plane.

I mention this because I just thought about it and I think I probably should have asked the person who gave me the box of goodies what I was transporting across state lines. More importantly, I don't think the TSA really give a shit about anything.

This issue begins where Issue #35 left off before the flashback issues. Unless it was an issue other than #35. What am I? One of those editors that add smarmy boxes to the comic book with a stupid nickname attached to them? "See Issue #35--Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!"

The Unknowns have crashed back to Earth where they find themselves in a Gotham they no longer recognize. I think it has something to do with Morgaine using a Mystic Whatzit in a satellite to turn Gotham into Dark Camelot. Or something. I'm just making wild guesses here until I find a pretty picture that I can scan.

Morgaine is queen of Wherever-The-Fuck-They-Are-Shire and she's decided to summon some thugs to kill The Unknowns before they can stop her.

Oh look! It's the crew from Arkham from Issue #29: La Cucaracha, The Blue Fairy, Nocturna, Frat Disaster, and The Janitore! -- Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!

While The Unknowns hide out trying to figure out what Earth they fell back to, they learn that Clayface eats by shoving food in his face hole. They don't get any more details about how it all works though. I think the food just eventually makes its way back out of him and he trails chewed food around wherever he goes. It's probably how Batman finds him even when he's disguised as somebody else. Most people don't have chewed food constantly bubbling out of their skin. Just Clayface. And maybe Bullock.

So while Batwoman (while wearing a robe made of Clayface) is out searching for food, she's ambushed by Nocturna and her crew! And thankfully Nocturna gives their real names.

Frat Disaster is Man o'war. Blue Fairy is Absinthe. La Cucaracha is Scatter. And Janitore is Mr. Mortis. So I was really close on all of them!

Clayface and Batwoman retreat into a dark alley and then only Batwoman emerges. Although she now has a sword and is in chainmail so I think this must be Clayface disguised as Batwoman. Batwoman escapes to go find Jason Blood so they can get Etrigan back on the team. When she last saw Etrigan, he was just bones in space.

Kate gathers up Jason Blood, Ragman, and Red Alice before they all teleport into Morgaine's throne room for the big end of the series battle. It's probably going to end in hell fire and a word that rhymes with hell fire!

I'm disappointed that there was no rhyme.

After the stone is smashed, Gotham returns to normal. The best thing to come out of this entire story is that Jason Blood and Etrigan are once again stuck with each other. I think it's finally time for a modern day Demon comic book! Radu has already been introduced. Now we just need Uncle Harry and Glenda.

The book ends with Kate Kane going to see Maggie Sawyer to talk. Hopefully she tells her what a condescending idiot she's been this whole time. Kate never should have taken it upon herself to "fix" Maggie's relationship with her ex-husband. It wasn't any of Kate's business and she should have just stood by Maggie and supported her during the court proceedings. If things had gone bad and the ex-husband wound up with full custody of Maggie's kid, then Batwoman could have beat the shit out of him and forced him to relinquish all of his parental rights. That's the plan she should have come up with!

Batwoman Annual #2 Rating: I'm glad that the book ended with the possibility of The Unknowns remaining a team working together in Gotham. I'd actually like to see Clayface turn his life around. Hell, I'd like to see a bunch of Batman's enemies go straight. Why not? Just make up new enemies for Batman every year. Haven't we heard every fucking version of a Mad Hatter or a Scarecrow or a Riddler or a Joker or a Bane or a Mr. Freeze story yet?

Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2

The Annuals should be issues where the characters just get to take a break from crimefighting. I want to see Bruce and Clark on a cruise!

This issue begins with Xa-du because we haven't had enough of this boring asshole yet. I mean, I have had enough of him. But I guess Greg Pak doesn't think his readers have had enough of him. If Greg Pak doesn't watch out, he's going to become my next dead horse. He's precariously close to being a writer whose writing I don't like. That's my polite way of saying that he's a bad writer but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that's just my ignorant opinion and that maybe he's actually a fantastic writer but I just don't happen to like his writing. But if he keeps cramming this idiot Xa-du down my throat, I'm going to unleash the hounds, set the Doomsday Clock to midnight, and get out my Dead Horse Beating Stick. And once I start beating a dead horse, it's very rare that I stop because it's so much fucking fun.

Xa-du was banished back to the Phantom Zone with his ability to escape finally neutralized. But guess what?! He still has the ability to reach out of the Phantom Zone and manipulate people with his Hypno-Impulse! So his next plan is to reach out to all of Batman and Superman's enemies and convince them that Clark Kent needs to die.

Every window in Paris looks out on the Eiffel Tower. I think Escher designed the city.

Yay! Another story where Superman and Batman aren't trying to help people but are simply defending themselves against attack! I can't get enough of stories that show how fucking useless being a superhero is! I just love a good story where all the death and destruction caused is simply because the super hero exists. So inspirational!

I have no idea who the woman in Paris is in the scan above. Phobia? Oh, I bet it's Talia al Ghul, right? There's also a panel showing the Bahamas and a hand with a machete in it. I don't know who the fuck that would be either.

Superman is currently investigating the island where Doomsday exploded everything and killed everybody and whatever the fuck happened in Doomed! The island is on fire and spreading a thick black cloud of Doomsday dust. But Superman knows how to get rid of it and set himself up for a really exciting story where he has to battle Batman's enemies in much the same way Batman has always had to battle them: without any powers! Superman uses his new Exploding Vagina Power to disintegrate everything in a few miles radius around him. Except his power goes KRAKOOM unlike his sister's power which goes FWASH! I guess that's the difference in sound between a vagina exploding and a scrotum exploding. Now he's powerless for twenty-four hours! Just in time for Xa-du's Hypno-Impulse controlled villains to attack him!

Clark heads deeper into the island to await Batman's arrival because he'll be easier to find in the thick jungle than if he remained on the beach. He's looking for the source of the Doomsday Cloud and he finds a bunch of people scavenging medical supplies from one of the abandoned hospitals on the ruined resort island. They've been burning crap that apparently is full of Doomsday's toxins. And then the person in the Bahamas who was influenced by Xa-du attacks.

At least he's starting out with an easy villain.

Now that Superman has a power which causes him to lose his power (pretty much the only reason it was created, by the way), is everybody going to rush out and write their version of the Superman shows how he's a hero even without any powers story? I like Geoff Johns' version where Superman did the right thing in the face of real danger. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this story as much where Superman gets a chance to prove that he's every bit as good at super heroing without powers as Batman is. Batman trained with the best teachers across the planet across many, many years. Superman relies on his invulnerability and super strength. The hardest part of Superman's job is calculating how hard to punch somebody so that he doesn't knock their head clean off of their body. But now he's going to stand toe to toe with Killer Croc, Bane, Talia, and Man-Bat? Bah! I don't even think he could take Man-Bat!

Clark takes a throwing star to the back as he pushes some guy out of the way. It's the same guy he pushed out of the way earlier. I think that guy needs to start getting out of the way on his own. Also, Man-bat must not know what Clark Kent looks like. I will not make a blind as a bat joke because that's a myth and I only deal in truth and facts and self-embellishment. After Clark falls to the ground with a shuriken lodged in his spine, a mysterious woman comes to his rescue!

Now Clark and the mystery woman are stuck back to back by a throwing star.

So she's battling to save her friend (and maybe Clark) while Clark battles to save her friend (and maybe himself) but she's braver? Simply because she doesn't know Batman is coming? You know she's not going to sleep with you for the compliment because she can't hear your Narration Boxing, Clark.

Batman arrives to save their lives and says, "Idiots," as he arrives. What the fuck was that about? They're being attacked by a monster and he's going to chastise them? Does everybody really think the best way to write Batman is to make him a complete asshole?

Hee hee.

Everybody escapes into a manhole and then Bane shoots the Man-bat in the head and kills it. Also arriving with Bane are Cheshire, Killer Croc, and three dozen more Man-bats. They're all hunting Clark Kent and they all have terrifically fast methods of travel and amazingly high tech gadgets that enable them to track Clark Kent. If they're here already, did they see Superman blow his scrotum?

My main question is why are Bane and Killer Croc working together? Xa-du's manipulation doesn't make them forget their past. It just makes them sort of feel like killing Clark Kent. But I think Bane might want a piece of Croc after what he did to him during Batman Eternal. And Croc obviously hasn't forgotten that Bane threw him from the top of Wayne Tower in Arkham War (which is why he humiliated Bane in Batman Eternal!). But now they're just going to forget all the bad blood because they both kind of sort of want to murder Clark Kent for some unknown reason? Bah.

You know what's better than having villains mind-controlled to attack the heroes? Giving the villains a motivation to attack the heroes that makes sense to their characters! But that's hard! And Greg Pak really loves the easy way out.

Clark wants to help Batman stop the thugs but Batman doesn't believe that Clark Kent is ready to go toe to toe with this group of villains (he's right). Batman decides he has to give Clark a quick rundown on the villains so Clark knows exactly why he'll be no help in a fight against them. Batman is a condescending dickhole. Clark Kent is a journalist! I think he knows about these thugs!

Batman tells the civilians to find anything they can use as a weapon and to sit tight while he takes care of business. Janice, the brave woman, uncovers a box full of knives and is all, "Batman sir! Will these do?" Then Clark is all, "I'm going to fight too!" So Batman ties him to a concrete post. Because what better way to use Clark than as bait so Batman can lure the bad guys in close.

Killer Croc breaks through a wall and Clark thinks, "I'm just flesh-and-blood right now and for the first time in ages, I remember what it feels like to be terrified."

Can I ask you a question, Mr. Pak? Do you read the things you write? Do you remember any of the things you write? Because you just recently wrote that story in Action Comics about Smallville turning into a horror story, remember? And remember how the creature devoured fear? And how it made everybody, including Superman, feel terrified? And the way Superman finally defeated the Ultra-Humanite was to allow himself to feel truly terrified so that it would consume too much fear and be sated? Or something like that. However it worked out, I'm fairly certain that the whole point of the story was to show Lana Lang that Superman also feels terror and loss. But now is the first time in ages he's felt scared! Okay. Whatever. I guess this story takes place before that story.

It turns out Clark was in on the "lure Killer Croc in close" plan (although he was still terrified! Coward!). I'm surprised Batman is allowing Clark to act so much in their missions lately. But then Batman and Croc are covered in rubble so now it's up to Clark to save Batman! Unless Janice saves Batman. She is much braver and more competent and less of a puss.

One pillar was taken out and this happens to half the hospital. What a shit building.

The Man-bats are taken out by a poison gas trap but Cheshire, master of poison, is unaffected. But then she's knocked out by a single blow of a pipe to the back of the head. It's like she's not one of the greatest assassins at all! Can Clark at least struggle to defeat Cheshire? My guess is that he got some of his powers back already and he's lucky he didn't completely crush her skull.

As Bane gives chase to Clark, Batman comes out of the jungle riding Croc. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, Killer Croc attacks Bane and they fall off of a cliff and into the ocean (with a little help from some of Batman's non-lethal explosives). Then Batman is all, "I guess you are kind of competent without any super powers. Hmph. Imagine that." Then he leaves Clark behind so that Clark can help Janice and her friends.

But then Janice stabs him in the stomach because Xa-du hypno-impulsed her.

Everything changes? So the writing will be good?

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 Rating: This one ends with yet another villain pointing out that people ultimately hate and fear super heroes. I'm so fucking tired of that mantra. The whole point of super hero stories is to feel inspired and uplifted! Who are these writers who believe that Superman is actually reviled instead of loved? It's tired, idiotic bullshit. And why is Xa-du so fucking powerful? He lost the tech which lets him leave the Phantom Zone but he can still see everything that happens? I could buy (barely) that he somehow had the ability to slightly influence horrible people to kill Clark Kent. I'll even buy into the premise that it somehow affected these few criminals so much that they went out and treated it like a paid hit. But I won't accept that Xa-du has the ability to spy on Clark from the Phantom Zone with his crippled technology, that he was able to see and understand that Superman lost his powers when he used his brand new super power, and was able to perceive the person standing next to Clark and manipulate that person into stabbing him. All while from inside the Phantom Zone. I also don't think Xa-du knows what he's talking about anyway when he calls Bane, Killer Croc, and Cheshire his "most lethal champions." There are far better that could have killed Clark Kent. And the ones he chose? If Superman hadn't lost his powers? They would have been absolutely useless! So why even bother?

Ugh. Greg Pak, you seriously need to try harder. You're coming up with themes that work but then doing a half-assed job turning them into a story. So here you wanted a powerless Clark to be able to prove to Batman that he could handle himself against Batman's enemies. That's actually an interesting kernel for a story. But the thing that kernel turned into? It's a mess! It's not an Ann Nocenti level mess but it still comes across as sloppy because the characters are just cardboard cutouts to move the plot along. I suppose if I wanted to defend you, I could say mind control explains it all. But then I have to believe that Xa-du has this kind of power from within the Phantom Zone even after losing half of his brain? I don't even want to believe that Xa-du exists!

Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.