Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #6

I can't fucking stand how the "J" in "ninja" is all wonky!

The Review!
If you want an insincere, biased, simply going through the paces of complimenting each artist on the book review that I can't believe was actually referencing the comic book I just read (which was this one! Issue #6 of the Batman/TMNT crossover!), go read this review! If you want the kind of hilarious review that I'm known for ("hilarious review that I'm known for" is copyright me, 2016), you'll have to go to bed wanting. Because I couldn't bring myself to be interested enough in this final issue to even read it months ago when it came out. I simply dug it out of the stack now just to get the fucking thing over with. Here's the positive side of my review: if this were a terrible book, you'd be reading one of those hilarious reviews that I'm known for right now! But it's not terrible. It's simply boring. It's one big Batman brawl with a twist: his rogue's gallery are currently furry versions of their usual selves. The story hinges on whether or not the Ninja Turtles will save their own asses or risk them to save Batman's ass. That's a pretty weak hinge because we all know which way that door is swinging, right? I would have preferred it if the Turtles shrugged and left Batman to Shredder. But that isn't what the Turtles are about, cowabunga dude! They'd never leave another turtle flipped over on its back! They'd be all, "Aloha, little dude! Let me help you up! Pizza!" Then they'd kick Shredder's ass and the story would end. Just like this story finally ends with Shredder getting his ass kicked! I guess I was surprised that the Turtle with the red mask came out of the closet and declared his undying love for Batman. Don't ask me which turtle that is because the only one I recognize is Donatello with the purple and the stick. That's because he's the one I always used to play on the arcade machine.

If you're the biggest fan of the Turtles, you'll probably enjoy this entire series because you have to or else you won't be the biggest fan of the turtles anymore. If you aren't the biggest fan but you're a pretty big fan, you'll still probably have to enjoy this series or else the gnawing doubt that maybe it was a mistake to love the turtles for so much of your life will eat away at you until you spiral into a depression knowing that you've wasted so much of your life on something so fucking stupid. If you hate the turtles, you might like this series too because what the fuck do I know? Maybe you're a sadist or a Batman fan or a furry looking to jerk off to new furry porn. I mean, Harley looks like an opossum or some shit in this. Does that sound sexy? Yeah? Well, happy jerking, perv!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #5

Does The Penguin really belong in Arkham?

The Review!
You know. It's Batman and the Ninja Turtles. This issue includes Damian and a bunch of Furry-Flavored Arkham Inmates. So if any of those things are up your alley, you probably already know about it and have purchased this book because you're a nineties kid. I don't have anything smart to say about it because when do I ever have anything smart to say? Even when I know the smart things I want to say, I can't say them! Like today on the way to the coffee shop to get some iced tea, one of the Project-Cloverleaf, Blood-Transfusions-For-AIDS-Patients, chalk drawing vagabonds on Hawthorne saw that I was wearing my X-files "I want to believe" shirt and said, "So why don't you just believe?" I rolled my eyes pretty heavily and muttered and growled but I didn't tell the person to shove their agenda-filled comment up their fucking ass for simply ignoring the nuance of the phrase "I want to believe" and believing that the only reason I won't believe is because I don't have some kind of shit-eating faith. Stupid people believe just to believe, asshole. Some people want to believe in things that they know are complete and utter nonsense but are still attracted to the idea of it. I would love to believe that my ego will transcend death and I will live forever. But guess what? That's fucking bullshit. Believing it doesn't make it real. It just makes the person believing it delusional and missing out on the beauty of the truth of the world. So no, Mossad Chalk Lady, I won't simply believe. Go fuck yourself.

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1

I'd prefer it if they were called Teenage*D* Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The first issue of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out right around when I began collecting comic books. I did not pick up an issue because I could not predict the future. Also I don't think I knew it existed until sometime in its third or fourth printing. And even then, I really wasn't interested in owning it. I mean, did you see the weird colors on the cover? So amateurish! Or artsy? What did I know?! I was thirteen! I thought great art was the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. But since that time, I've learned how to invest in comic books! If an independent comic books comes out and one of the creator's names ends with "man", the book is going to be valuable! I may have missed the Eastman pile of money but I didn't miss the Kirkman pile! I hope The Walking Dead does a crossover with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

I think I read my cousin's copies of the first three or four issues of the original Turtles but I don't really remember much of it. I remember the little regular baby turtles around the radioactive puddle before they transformed and that's about it. And even that might be a false memory! And I was too old to think the movie Turtles were cool when they came out so I really don't have much experience with them. I know they were a parody of Daredevil, they loved pizza because Domino's is the only joint shitty enough to deliver to a sewer address, and Donatello is the one with the purple sash and the stick. That reminds me! I did play quite a bit of the arcade game and I always chose to be Donatello.

The story begins with a scientist telling Batman bullshit stories about the Ninja Turtles. The Foot Clan attacked her place of work and stole a generator that could power the world and/or a super weapon. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tried to stop them. They at least stopped the Foot Clan from killing the scientists but did the scientists thank them?! No! They just called them ugly monsters with uncontrollable adolescent erections and then called Batman in to destroy them. Batman, being a great detective, decides one eyewitness's assumptions of her perceptions is the only lead he needs and he promises to stop those gross Wereturtles.

If I were a pizza delivery person, I would not deliver to a seedy location without an actual address. Also, I would deliver pizza in a car instead of walking.

Batman goes over the clues to all of the crimes involving stolen technology in Gotham recently and he's flummoxed because the bad guys don't seem to be attacking him directly or trying to simply fuck up Gotham in retaliation against the Batman. They've actually got a criminal agenda that doesn't involve him at all! It's totally fucking crazy. Who do these criminals think they are?! Batman concludes that they're either stealing the technology to build something to use against him later or else maybe they're new at the crime game in Gotham and they don't realize that it's all supposed to be about Batman. So rude. But he'll teach them!

Batman surmises they'll attack Wayne Enterprises next because his company has the best stuff.

I hope Batman and April O'Neil fuck.

Killer Croc plans on stripping the Batmobile while Batman is beating up turtles. Croc knows where the Batmobile is because he has the Where is Batman?! App available for eighty thousand dollars at the app store. That seems like a small price to pay to follow Batman back to his lair and loot it. So why does Killer Croc only want to loot the Batmobile?! And where did Killer Croc get eighty grand for the app?! Shouldn't he have spent the money on supplies for his army of homeless masses?

Killer Croc runs into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' lair so he'll probably miss out on looting the Batmobile. Unless Batman takes too long beating up hundreds of Foot Clan Ninjas. There are always hundreds of them, right?

I hope The Predator and some real Aliens show up in this comic book too!

Batman beats up most of the Foot Clan but he doesn't get any new clues because Shredder appears and kills all of the clues before Batman can beat them almost to death. Actually, Batman does get one clue! One of the Foot Clan mentions "the turtles," so now Batman knows he's looking for...well, okay, that clue is kind of confusing. He probably still doesn't know what he's looking for. Although Shredder told him that if he just butts out, Gotham will be fine. Shredder doesn't realize that Batman has one superpower and it's the power to not butt out ever and most especially when somebody tells him to do so.

It's a good thing Batman has more luck on his side than World's Greatest Detective Skills and so he just happens to learn the meaning of the clue when he heads back to the car.

And one large rat! Don't forget the rat!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1 Rating: This is a novelty comic book! I'm not going to lower myself to rating and reviewing novelty comic books! What am I? A clown?! I will read next issue though! I bet Batman kicks the asses of all of the turtles but is fatigued enough for Master Splinter to beat the shit out of him. Then Master Splinter, being a kind and compassionate rat ninja master, will take Batman back to the Turtles' new underground lair where he'll tend to his wounds and revive him. Batman will hear the Turtles talking like teenagers and realize that they're heroes like him! Well, not like him. More like Daredevil. Although Daredevil is a lot like Batman. So maybe they are like him.

Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

The Movement #12

I hope this ends like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid! Except Vengeance Moth has a little trouble getting the wheelchair rolling, so when she hears the gunfire cut down the rest of the team, she simply says "Fuck that!" and scoots out the back door.

The main problem with comic books is that they're not a form of entertainment where the best written material rises to the top (the best art will generally sell better than the best writing simply because we're a shallow people, us humans. But I don't want to write about the art! I just felt it had to be mentioned since comic books rely on both art and writing for a well told story). In comic books, sales are all about the characters. Marvel has a lot more iconic characters and teams with large fan bases, so a lot of their titles sell well across the board: Spider-Man, Punisher, Captain America, Wolverine, The Avengers, The Hulk, The X-Men. The list of names that will sell a title is long over at Marvel. DC basically has Batman. Sure, Superman and Green Lantern can round out that list but I wanted to put the burden on Batman's shoulders. I don't think Wonder Woman and The Flash have the same kind of dollar drawing power as any of the Marvel list. Possibly the thing that has given DC the biggest boost in building a fan base for characters has been their cartoons. So now Teen Titans and Young Justice and Harley Quinn have a rabid following because they were all written so well in the cartoons. But it takes a long period of adjustment for fans to recognize that their favorite characters are not always going to be treated so well on the writing side of things. So we have a series like Teen Titans that ran for thirty issues without one good issue in the batch and, by February numbers, it's outselling The Movement which has had eleven good issues in the batch (I can't judge #12 yet) by 20,000 issues. Now that's either 20,000 people that are simply buying a book because characters they love appear in it or that's 20,000 people that can't tell the difference between crap and a cupcake.

Another problem with comic books is distribution. Local comic book stores aren't going to over order every issue of every comic book so that people wandering in for the first time have a chance of picking one up. They're going to decrease their orders based on how many of the first issue sold. And they'll continue to decrease orders, month after month, to keep their costs down. Sales will continue to spiral down faster and faster since they'll only reflect people dropping the book (or, more accurately, casual readers unable to find the new issues (this is why if you shop at a local comic book store, it's important to have a pull list! Plus they usually give discounts!)). Never mind that new readers sometimes feel intimidated picking up a new book if it's already mid-story; good luck having new readers even find a low selling book on the shelves!

I don't have any answers to fix sales on well written books. I suppose you could stick Batman in all of them although that's really just the same as having Batman in none of them. I tried my best to get fans of Teen Titans to drop that book and read this book but I probably always said it at the end of my commentaries where people never saw it because they were all "TL;DR" and moved on to an animated gif of a Snow White with a fake caption of her calling someone a cunt.

Anyway, The Movement is over this issue and it's all your fault somehow. Nice job, comic book fans!

This issue begins with Virtue and Captain Meers having a clandestine meeting in a dirty alley. Unless clandestine implies sex! Then it was totally the opposite of clandestine! Maybe I should only use words I know and/or begin usurping a dictionarium.

Darn! I thought Virtue was a living corpse. I live by my life believing the opposite of Occam's Razor.

Virtue explains that she had a dream. The dream was of The Movement battling alongside DC's Holy Trinity. Also Captain Cold made her dream somehow which is weird even if he is the best DC Villain in the history of DC villains. Okay, maybe his name isn't that great. But he wears a parka and Devo glasses, so that's good enough for me.

Virtue's actual dream was that DC was a place where heroes were actually compassionate and heroic as opposed to grim and selfish. I can see now why she expects Captain Meers to laugh. I think that ship sailed on DC a long time ago. I believe DC's corporate policy right now is to do exactly the opposite of whatever the loudest voices on Tumblr think they should do. After seeing The Movement's numbers in February, I can't say it's bad corporate policy if your goal is to make money! The way I see The Movement praised on Tumblr, you'd think it was the biggest fucking hit DC ever had! And, in actuality, it should be. But the love definitely didn't support the numbers.

To give DC some praise here, the numbers for The Movement #9 in February were just over 6000 comics sold. And they still allowed Simone and Williams three more issues to wrap up. Six thousand and they still let them go for three more issues! That tells me that DC actually understands when it's publishing something worth reading and is sad to see a series like this not hit big, saleswise. The series definitely has big fans.

But forget about the saving the world and helping people in need bullshit; Mouse still needs to get laid!

Apparently the biggest problem in Coral City is that Mouse's dick is too dry.

A smaller problem crops up as Mouse gets to know his new, greatest love Cheddar Cheese Margaret. Apparently Mancannon has learned the location of The Sweatshop and he's come to shut them down. Or make a deal with them. Or, I don't know, offend their delicate sensibilities. Or, possibly, a job?

Oh yeah! I forgot about the Cornhole Killer!

Can you imagine if he was the Cornhole Killer? He'd have a display case showing off all the stinky rings and chocolate starfish he's collected! Gross! Or sexy. No, no! Definitely gross!

I guess all this Mancannon stuff happened earlier because Virtue is telling the story of how they helped him to Captain Meers. Virtue also explains how she came to be pretend dead. It's the usual little kid almost accidentally kills her father so the mother sends the child away and tells her husband the kid is dead story. We've heard it thousands of times before.

Mancannon lures his son to the grave of Ava Mancannon, the Cornea Killer's mother. The Movement is waiting to take him down. I don't know if it's a trap to catch the Cornea Killer or a trap to catch The Movement! Who's playing whom here?!

But before the trap is set, the comic book is interrupted by a huge double spread advertisement about how Scott Lobdell is now off of Superman starting in issue #32! Although they spin it like a "superstar creative team" is taking over. Heck, I would have been happy with a mediocre creative team or just some never heard of before creative team taking over. Fuck me, a monkey with a shit covered spade could take over and it would be better!

But after that ad, the fight breaks out and it's a clusterfuck. My first guess before reading was that Mouse would die and then I remembered Mouse is everyone's favorite so Gail Simone can't kill him. But she can make it look like he's about to die so he can be funny, cute, and adorable as he thinks he's saying his last words.

If I remember correctly, Mouse has a healing factor that kicks in when he gets sexually excited. Quick! Somebody call a fluffer!

"Nurse! This Mouse needs 10ccs of oral medication! No, no! He has to give it to you! If you know what I mean! Nudge, nudge! Wink, wink! Oral."

It turns out the trap is for The Movement as Mancannon has a sniper waiting behind a tree about twenty feet away. I guess he's not a very good sniper, so he needs to be close to hit anything.

No, wait. Even being close doesn't help. He's a terribly shitty sniper who only wings Katharsis. That was a pun!

The reason he's so bad at sniping is that he's not actually a trained sniper. He's just that big jerk that had his teeth knocked out by Katharsis. I think. Anyway, he fucks up his job and shoots the Cornea Killer in the head on accident. Does Toothless Joe suck at every job he's ever taken?

And so it ends with Virtue gaining a surrogate dad in Captain Meers and Captain Meers gaining an appreciation of The Movement. It's all sickly sweet and probably emotional for people that actually feel things. In my daily life, I might have to pretend that I have emotions so that people don't search my basement, but in my commentary blogs, I can be true to myself, true to my real persona, The Cornhole Killer! Oh, plus this issue ends, possibly, perfectly.

If there's a better statement about how Gail Simone and the current crop of more inclusive writers are approaching writing in the modern comic book genre, I can't think of it.

The Movement #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. The Movement was well written with a cast of enjoyable new characters and with an art style that fit the story well. And so it was cancelled. Good riddance, you lousy comic book! That'll teach you to be enjoyable and worth spending $2.99 a month on! Next time, Good Comic Book, maybe you'll think twice before hitting the shelves without a character that already has a large fan base! Next time maybe try to have a title character that was in a cartoon on WB or something! Lesson learned!

The Movement #11

This might be an unpopular opinion but I hope Burden dies.

Personally, I don't have anything against Burden. And I'm kind of partial to his imaginary love letters to his mother. But, and this may sound judgmental because it is, I can't stand to look at him. I've always been a bit squeamish about seeing the insides of people because they're supposed to stay on the inside. So when they're suddenly on the outside, it's like the universe is screaming its worst secret at me and I can't avoid it even if I avert my gaze and plug my ears. Because now the universe's worst secret is echoing throughout my head: everything dies. Everything dies. Everything dies.

And that's what happens to me when I see Burden's octopus parts coming out of his nether torso. That sounds like it's coming out of his asshole. I should have just said belly.

His brother, on the other twisted extremity, is quite the handsome Amish dude. I could look at him all day and not once be forced to ponder my own mortality! Although wanting to read a comic book where a character dies seems a bit nonsensical if I want him to die because he reminds me of death. Maybe...and this is just a wild theory, mind you...maybe I'm just fucking nuts! Probably not, though. I'm actually the only person that really exists. Everybody else is just a projection of my own issues and insecurities. How can the only real person be crazy? Crazy implies abnormality! But if I'm the only extant creature in the universe, I am the measurement of normal and thus perfectly sane!

Boy, I sure am glad I projected comic books into my universe.

This Coral City resident walks his Pit Bull and his cat at the same time!

I hope this issue is about that guy and his dog and his cat!

Oh! I remember what I was going to say at the end of my Moon Knight #2 commentary! I was going to point out how one of my favorite things about the show Mad Men was how every fucking scene (very nearly! Do the math!) is its own short story. And all the short stories revolve around a specific theme that runs through the episode. Fuck me! I wish I'd started a Mad Men blog instead of a silly comic book blog! Then I could say seriously intellectual things like this: Doesn't Jon Hamm look like a character from The Flintstones come to life?

Oh shit! The Tall Man?! Does he have blood draining flying silver spheres in that case?!

Fuck me! I wish I'd started a Phantasm blog instead of a whimsical funny book blog! Then I could say seriously scary shit like this: Think about how crappy The Tall Man was as a villain. He was defeated by an Ice Cream Man three movies straight!

The Tall Man aka Burden's Keeper asks a couple of fake cops how he might find Satan round these parts. I know they're fake cops because one has a full beard and cops don't wear beards! Just mustaches. And the other one is wearing a goofy rubber mask.

This is the third panel I've scanned from the first page! Maybe I should have just scanned the entire thing at once.

Historically speaking, I usually get fancy in the pants the longer I spend reading a comic book. "Fancy in the pants" means "to be distracted" in this context. Maybe in other contexts too but I can't guarantee how people will react to you asking them to repeat themselves because you were feeling too fancy in the pants. Anyway, there's some kind of reverse square law or something about my commentaries. If The Bible taught me anything about math and science, it's that I don't know math and science very well. So I think the Reverse Square Law means that I will comment a lot on the first four pages of a new comic. From there, my commentary will drastically reduce until I'm writing nearly nothing on the last ten pages. I just blow through them with a slight synopsis of what happens. So judging by how much I've rambled on while reading the first page of The Movement #11, I'm going to write about three sentences on the last nineteen pages! I hope I've got my eloquently brief pants on. I wanted to say Eloquently Brief Briefs but that just seemed overly confusing.

This issue is called "My Brother From Abover Mother."

Next there's some of that Booty Calling that Vengeance Moth was ruining her wheelchair thinking about.

I remember the first time I saw two women kiss. I was all, "So, I see you've met my girlfriend, Mom."

Rainmaker discovers that Virtue tastes like pistachio. That's because pistachios are green and Virtue is currently channeling all the willpower she has not to sit on Rainmaker's face.

Dear Papa!
Gail Simone is so crass! I would never have pictured Virtue naked, straddling Rainmaker's mouth, hovering above her, teasing, slowly lowering, quickly caressing her glistening lips against Rainmakers searching tongue before springing back up and out of reach of Rainmaker's lips and tongue! Gail Simone put those thoughts into my head by showing women licking ice cream cones and kissing! Also, why did you leave when I was just two years old? It probably made me sad but I can't remember because I was two.

Burden's brother (whose name is Jacob which is what I totally would have guessed if I'd even considered guessing! Seriously, who wouldn't have guessed that? Oh wait! Now I have a Bible story to tell everybody while we're all gathered her in the parentheses!

Jacob was also called Israel in The Bible. Now you can either believe that Jacob became Israel and that's where the name came from or you can believe that somebody else was actually named Israel and was the leader of the Jews. That person is Sara, Abraham's wife. Because Sara means Princess. And El means God. So Israel means Princess of God. That's an odd name for a man, Jacob, to have, isn't it? Sure, sure! A lot of words in Hebrew mean many different things. Like how Jacob meant "Usurper" as well as, I don't know, something else! Most loved or something. I can't remember all the details!

Anyway, here's the conundrum. If you have an oral history that tells you Israel was your leader but the history is quite old and, since the time of the actual people within that history, men have come to take over all the positions of power, you don't want the leader of the Jewish people to have been a woman in your oral history. So instead of pointing out that your oral history is about a Matriarchy built by Sara (Princess. Later, after God came to her, Israel, Princess of God) as she led her people away from famine and into Egypt to become rich, you have a male child somewhere further down the line wrestle an angel that touches his penis and then names him Princess of God. Also, doesn't the story of Abraham and Sara in Egypt make more sense if Sara is a single woman leading her people? Wouldn't that make more sense that she'd be in a position to marry Pharaoh? As opposed to that shitty story we get about Abraham telling Pharaoh his wife is his sister? Which, by the way, is the same story that happens with Isaac and also with Abraham a second time? Seems like one story told three different ways. And, at least to me, still not told the truest way. The way where Sara was leading her people.

I think I can close the parentheses now after talking about that story. I might add that I noticed this shit while reading and studying The Bible on my own. Remember boys and girls! Think for your own fucking self! Unless you're listening to me. Trust me!) has discovered Burden helping to feed the poor and he's pissed off about it. Because devils don't help poor people! That kind of help is evil because it's a lie! Sure, hungry people still get fed. But through temptation and vile trickery!

Katharsis tries to keep Jacob from putting his hands on Burden and gets her ass beat. That Jacob is one strong motherfucker seeing as how Katharsis is the strength of The Movement! Maybe she loses her ability to fight when she forgets to wear her wings.

The people yelling at Jacob are the ICU Committee of Public Shaming.

Jacob takes Burden back home so he can be punished. I know Burden's actual name is Christopher which is long for Christ so I'll just keep calling him Burden because Christ had some burdens to bear as well. Or something. There's probably something smart to ferret out of all that if you have more time than I do. Like if you're traveling close to the speed of light or something.

Burden has been brought back to face The Trials. Supposedly, Burden killed his father. But since he doesn't remember it and his brother is trying so hard to convict him of the crime, I suspect Jacob did all the killing! I'm like that Knight-Errant, Columbo! Or the Philosopher Perry Mason!

So basically, Jacob was born with an outside that looks Angelic while his inside looks like Burden's outside that houses his Angelic inside! If you see what I'm saying.

Jacob tells a story that is at odds with the story the reader is allowed to see. The real story shows that Jacob was a delusional asshole that wanted his brother out of the picture. As he finishes the story that makes him look like the good guy trying to help his brother and help the village, we learn that Mama is still in the village. I was going to say "alive" but I think they might just bring out a skull or a jar of ashes when he asks for her.

Burden's old mother comes tottering out and she's just a normal woman. Whew. I was prepared for a skeleton in a rocking chair! And then the reader learns that Jacob did indeed kill their father and tricked Burden into believing he did it. But The Trial will show the truth! The one that winds up marked by the Irons is the true murderer!

But before Burden can get marked, The Movement arrive to stop The Trial. That's good. Now Jacob will get the mark and the village will banish him and Burden will cry and think up another letter to Mama with her standing right in front of him.

Dear Mama,
When did you begin looking so old? I should probably ask you since you're standing right in front of me but I know you prefer my mind epistles. Also, I am totally cuckoo for cuckoo dick. Mmm! I hope you approve, Mama! I know you're a big fan of it as well.
Your Son.

Katharsis gets her ass kicked again but I think she takes the fall on purpose this time to invoke Burden's beast since he should really be dealing with his own problems.

This feels like an episode of Fantasy Island!

Burden stops feeling bad for himself even though Mama still hates him. She loves her baby with wings and not her baby with tentacles falling out of its stomach. Yeah, I totally get that! The Movement take Burden home with them with some sappy ending about family or something. Although I have to completely agree with this version of family! I've never been one to feel close to somebody simply because they were related to me. If they were dicks, they were out. I only have so much time to spend with people I actually care about and if those people happen to be friends I made in high school, or friends I made on the internet, or friends I made in Men's Bathrooms in Rest Stops across South Dakota, so be it!

The Movement #11 Rating: No change. There wasn't enough Mouse in this issue. And Vengeance Moth didn't eat anybody's underwear.

The Movement #10

Why are Batgirl and Katharsis blocking the comic book characters I really want to read about? "Deep Fried Chicken Hawk" and "Potato Salad."

Word on the dirty street is The Movement has been cancelled as of Issue #12. The Dirty Street is what we call Gail Simone's Tumblr. "We" are me. There's something wrong with that previous sentence but I don't know how to correct it! We is I? We are I? We is me? We am us? Fuck it. I'm going to stop using language. The rest of this commentary will be done in pictures.

Hmm. This just may be my greatest commentary ever but nobody is going to understand it. Maybe I'll stick to language.

So last issue, Batgirl was unconscious and about to be undressed by The Movement.

That's exactly what upskirt creepers say! So I've heard.

If Horizon joins The Movement, that would give the group seven members. And since Virtue's powers rely on the Emotional Spectrum, I think that means each member of the group represents part of that spectrum. So Burden is Red/Wrath, Tremor is Orange/Selfishness (Mouse likes her because Cheese is orange), Horizon is Yellow/Fear, Vengeance Moth is Green/Willpower, Virtue is Blue/Hope, Katharsis is Indigo/Compassion (Like the Indigo Lanterns, she is a violent criminal that is reforming), Mouse is Violet/Love. Actually Mouse is kind of gray and pale but that's pretty close to violet and he loves cheese. And probably peanut butter. And Chips Ahoy cookies.

The Rainbow also has another hidden meaning that you probably all think you already know but you don't. It's the symbol for the covenant between God and mankind in which God declares he will never flood the world again. So that brings in Rainmaker somehow. Oh! Also Rainmaker makes rainbows. So that probably fits on its own without bringing in that asshole God to muck it all up!

Batgirl regains consciousness just before Mouse can get her top off and promptly defeats the entire group in about three seconds. That'll teach this new group not to mess with Batman or Batman affiliated franchises. Katharsis isn't just the major muscle in this group; she's the entire muscular system. Possibly also the ligaments and tendons. And the liver. But Katharsis isn't currently in The Sweatshop because she's out hunting Horizon the hero and/or murderer. How about we just say "future member of The Movement" and be done with the philosophical and ethical questions?

Meanwhile, The Gravy Factory quit their jobs. Ha ha. Cowards. They made gravy in their pants.

Katharsis locates Horizon and decides the best way to make peace with Batgirl is to fuck Horizon in midair. I don't know if Batgirl will be happy to hear about it or not but I wouldn't mind a few more pages detailing the encounter. But no. One lousy panel. I bet you anything Simone has six or seven pages of script vividly describing the entire scene with a note to Williams saying, "If you can't fit in this entire scene, cut the Batgirl stuff." But then Editorial threw a fit because Batgirl was already on the cover and they didn't have time to redo it. Anyway, the new cover would probably have too many penises and vaginas on it to be sold anywhere but on the corner of Haight and Ashbury.

Back at The Sweatshop, Mouse is learning that none of Tremor's orifices are interested in his wiener. None at all. No chance.

It still can be, Ven! Make some moves! Or recruit some more members until you find a booty that's compatible with your call.

Wasn't there some plot about some guy named the Cornea Killer or something? Man Cannon the Big Shot's son or something? Bah, who cares? It can't be more interesting than the drama within the group and Batgirl's stuck-up judging of this entire city.

Cornea who?

Katharsis decides to run off with Horizon but first she needs to talk to Virtue about it. And that's when Katharsis finds out Horizon recently killed a couple of Coral City cops. That might be a problem for their future together. But Horizon has an idea for a happily ever after!

I think I had this wet dream years ago. I mean normal dream! It was totally dry and not sexy.

Of course Batgirl doesn't let anybody die! The police are coming to arrest him and The Movement can't think of anything else to do but give him up since he is a cop killer. Batgirl heads back to Gotham City after making peace with Virtue and inviting her to come visit once Coral City ceases to exist in a few issues.

That felt like a cheap shot! I'm sure it'll appear in the DC Universe again sometime. Maybe Hal Jordan will get pissed off and raze it to the ground in a year or two.

The Movement #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think I'm supposed to be torn by the ethical dilemmas this group deals with in the face of very tough circumstances but I don't care at all about who is just or right or oppressed. I just want to see more booty calls and hook ups. Does that make me shallow? Bah. My picture review was way more intellectual than this stupid language one.

The Movement #9

What is Vengeance Moth pointing at? Batgirl's camel toe?

Mentioning camel toe makes me think of the opposite of camel toe which I think is that thing where you can see a guy's junk swinging around freely in his pants as he walks. Am I the only one that, whenever a full body shot of a man on a television show pops up, first checks his crotchal region to see what's going on down there? Tight pants with cock outline? Weirdly smooth space? Free swinging knob and sack? It's not sexual in any way which is something I feel I have to explain since I'm in America where many people believe if organs used to procreate are mentioned than it must certainly be for titillating reasons. It's more like I'm Jane Goodall making scientific observations about the fashion choices of people with junk that wear pants. I find the variety of ways cocks and balls can appear through clothing far more fascinating than people's fixations on camel toe. Plus male camel toe is an especially rare treat that has gone mostly extinct with the advent of pants that barely stay up and the decline of pants that are five sizes too small. Although skinny jeans occupy a really weird space. The weird part about guys that wear skinny jeans? I don't think I've ever seen a hint of their junk through the jeans. How does that work?!

Whoops. That whole groin discussion derailed what I really was going to talk about when I began this commentary! That's the problem with typing whatever comes into your head while also lacking the ability to self-censor. Even if one manages to plan out what they were going to write, it nearly always turns into a series of rambling digressions that move further and further away from topics that most people would feel comfortable discussing in front of their grandparents and closer and closer to topics that are mostly just discussed on the elementary school playground. Okay, so I'm blaming digressions for that instead of my fascination, possibly obsession, with bodily functions and my inability to actually discuss anything that a liberal arts college professor would want to talk about over a glass of wine and a fancy cracker of goat cheese.

Anyway, I was thinking about The Movement and how they're a bunch of young people that want to improve the town where they live. I don't know how many of them are from Coral City but, transplant or native, they seem to love it. And it seems like as a person grows up, there are three main types of people. There are those that love their hometown and would never dream of leaving. Those that can't wait to get out of their hometown at their first chance. And those that hate their hometown but invariably find themselves stuck there for their entire life. I suppose their are more types of people but remember that thing about me not being able to have intellectual discussions? So stop riding me! I can only think of three types, okay?!

Here's a panel of Batgirl leaving town so it seems like I'm writing about the comic book.

I left my home town of Santa Clara when I was twenty five. I suppose I was the fourth type that I didn't mention: the person that doesn't really think about it one way or another. I actually left for college when I was seventeen to spend a year in Portland but wound up coming back to the Bay Area and attending San Jose State. Mostly because I was homesick. Mostly mostly because I was lovesick. I wound up getting my bachelor's degree in Books after four and a half years of college which translated to seven years of real world time. The year after college, I bought my first car: a 1972 Volkswagen Panel Van. And this was the first inkling that I was ready to get the fuck out of Santa Clara. The year after I graduated college and the year before I left, I worked a job taking care of the office equipment warehouse at the Netscape Campus. It was a huge place and I was the only person there all day except for the installers coming by occasionally to pick up product or delivery trucks dropping stuff off. I might have gone a little stir crazy. But it's there that I became the type of person that can't wait to get the fuck out of town. At the time, "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers was getting radio play and it was these lyrics that would turn me into a tearful raging mess that knew I had to move away as soon as possible:

This place is old; it feels just like a beat-up truck.
I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn.
The smell of cheap wine and cigarettes, this place is always such a mess,
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn.
I'm so alone, I feel just like somebody else.
I ain't changed but I know I'm not the same.
But somewhere here in-between the city walls of dying dreams
I think her death it must be killing me.

At the end of one full year of working there, I quit. I was living at home at the time and two weeks after I quit, I told my mom I was leaving for good (home and Santa Clara and, although I didn't know for sure at the time, California), loaded up my van with unread comic books and graphic novels, and hit the road. And that was that. Maybe that wasn't as interesting as how some people manage their junk inside of their trousers but I don't get to decide what content winds up in my blog.

I mean, technically, I guess I do. But whim and digression control this blog far more than structure and intent. Also, for those that haven't noticed or have never read this blog before, it is not about comic books.

So Batgirl is finally crossing over with The Movement! This is one of those fun crossovers and not one of those editorial demands Batman crossover with a title to get it's numbers up. You can tell the difference because anybody reading Gail Simone's Batgirl is probably already reading Gail Simone's The Movement. Although there might be Batfamily completists out there that desperately need every appearance of each member of the Batfamily in much the same way that I desperately need every copy of every Steve Jackson's Fighting Fantasy Game Books.

If this is the same thing you do to the "tails," Batgirl, I can see why nobody picks tails. You'd need a Mature Rated Comic Book for that move.

That last caption makes me feel kind of cheap. You know how when somebody makes a subtle joke about something and then the next guy comes along and makes the same joke just bluntly and they think they're suddenly fucking* Oscar Wilde [*adjective not verb!]? I feel like that's what I just did in that last caption. Simone was obviously making a subtle, teen-rated comic book fisting joke and I came along and blurted out, "BATGIRL WANTS TO FIST CRIMINALS!" Ugh. I'm such an asshole.

This guy Batgirl is not anally penetrating is named Reese and he seems to be some kind of Lightrayesque type of super person. I wish The Ray had called himself Lightrayesque. I might have been more interested in the character. Anyway, Batgirl winds up blasted by him and then there's the kind of scene cut where you go, "Welp. I guess Batgirl must have died!"

Unless you're smarter than I am. I spend half of my time reading comic books suddenly relieved that characters weren't killed off in the first few pages when they reappear several pages later to continue the fight.

Meanwhile in The Sweatshop which is what The Movement call their bathroom? I guess it makes sense. I'm fairly certain the way I'm going to die is having a stroke after sitting on a super cold toilet seat and taking a pantsless header into the kitty litter box. Ugh. Death, you destroyer of dignity: go fuck yourself.

Mouse is my favorite character right after (or right before) all of my other favorite characters. The important part of that last sentence was my proclamation that I like Mouse better than any of you. He's just gotten more and more entertaining ever since he first ratsurfed his way into my heart.

The Movement's current number one priority is to get Mouse to wash his balls. I knew it! Haven't I been saying since Issue #1 that Mouse must be fucking rank? I've only ever been friends (some people call it "owned" or "had a pet") with one rat at a time and the smell was overpowering! Virtue and the rest of them should probably let Mouse keep his sewer smell so that when Tremor turns him down, he can console himself that she just doesn't appreciate his scent. But if he gets cleaned up and she rejects him, he might have to face the fact that there is something incredibly wrong with his essential self and that he's not worthy of love at all and that he'll always be sad and pathetic and unhappy. As a Writer (with a capital "W"!), I can use my imagination to think up how someone might feel in these situations even though I've never been rejected by anybody ever and have never had my heart so broken that I twirled endlessly in a dark room with tears streaming down my face listening to The Cure's "Pictures of You."

I know there are people in the comic book industry that think they know the proper formula for making exciting comic books. Tight suits. Lots of punching. Space aliens. Double page spreads of awesome super cars. But they're all wrong. And, somehow, Gail Simone, a mere girl, figured out the way to make the best comic books. By spending two pages on getting a man named Mouse to take a shower.

Oh my god! Characters acting like themselves in normal (okay, slightly abnormal) situations!

I'm not trying to say Gail Simone is the greatest writer of all time although I might be because she sometimes reads these commentaries and if she's reading now she might want to skip the next sentence. She's not the best comic book writer at DC. But she's a talented writer and she's an entertaining writer and you can never go wrong being a fan of a writer that obviously loves her characters as much as she does. I actually don't know who the best writer is at DC. It could be Gail. Who knows? I just wanted to write this paragraph so I could use the "Gail should skip the next sentence" joke.

Meanwhile Batgirl is alive! Whew. She survived the blast from Lightrayesque but now she's being ganged up on by The Movement. Not The Movement that is the six super heroes but The Movement that is the many masked people with their I.C.U. apps on their phones. Batgirl has found herself in the Tweens of Coral City where authority is not welcome. Unless it's mob authority. Then it's okay. Also Virtue. Virtue is an okay authority. Probably because she's dead or something.

Mouse finally gets all dolled up to ask Tremor out and I find we have a hatred for things on our feet in common. And when he presents Tremor with his love note and his box of rat-infested candy, I can't help but wonder why the cover was all about Batgirl and not all about Mouse and Tremor's romantic story! Also I should have read this yesterday on Valentine's Day!

It's at this point that I realized I don't give a fuck what happens to Batgirl.

And then when the comic book gets back to Batgirl, I realize that I don't know what I give a fuck about anymore. What I do like is seeing Batgirl written like a big, judgmental jerk! This is why comic book characters should never agree to guest star in some other character's comic book! Even written by the same person, Batgirl is shown to be a huge turd outside her own turf! Judging how much the people care about their neighborhood by the cleanliness of it? That's the first step in accepting all the bullshit that goes along with the modern day version of Manifest Destiny: gentrification. Go back to Gotham, Batgirl! Before Katharsis learns that you're he....

Some people call it a Kaiser Blade but Katharsis calls it a Sling Blade.

Batgirl wins the battle by kicking Katharsis in the vagina. That's messed up, Batgirl. But at least it calms everybody down so that they can have a rational discussion about Lightrayesque and what's to be done with him. And, of course, the discussion takes place over donuts and banana milkshakes.

Lightrayesque's real super hero name is Horizon although I'll probably continue to call him whatever I want because I'm not the best at retaining names. He tried to be a super hero, accidentally killed two criminals when they fought back, and is now on the run in Coral City. Batgirl wants to get him into the court system but Virtue believes The Movement needs another member. They can't agree to disagree in this case due to the physical laws of the universe not allowing for Lightrayesque to exist in two separate quantum states, so Katharsis knocks out Batgirl. Virtue's plan is to learn her secret identity and use it to keep Batgirl out of the city.

Meanwhile, Lightrayesque is off killing cops because he's scared which lends a bit more credence to Batgirl's side of the argument than Virtue's. I think they need to compromise. Lightrayesque goes to trial for the people he's killed. If he's acquitted, he joins The Movement for training. If he goes to jail, he kills some guards, escapes, and moves to Coral City to get training with The Movement. Problem solved! I think.

The Movement #9 Rating: +3 Ranking. If only more of DC's comic books could be this entertaining! I hope it runs for a long time! Mostly so we can see Virtue slowly put on weight month after month due to all of her doughnut and banana shake meetings. Do corpses gain weight?

The Movement #8

Instead of "buried alive," I would have gone with "All blocked up!" to keep with the poo theme already established by the title, "The Movement."

Speaking of bowels, don't you hate when you sit on the toilet for a bowel movement and instantly let go with a huge fart while still having the bowel movement to get to? It's like losing all of your propellant!

Umm, maybe I should move on to less interesting but more socially acceptable topics. Like this comic book! Last issue, Burden had turned into a fucking megademon. It could possibly have been Demogorgon although I really don't think it was Orcus. He had tentacles coming out of his stomach so he might have accidentally belched "Hastur" and his new form was the result. I wonder if as the demon, Burden composes letters to his demon mom in his head?

"Dear Mommagorgon,
I'm sorry I disappointed you by not being able to shit flaming turds but I tried my hardest to cover the unbaptized babies in my filth anyway. They truly deserve my disgusting wrath, don't they, Mommagorgon? How dare they die before undergoing the proper religious ceremony for God to accept them into his ever-loving bosom. I hope they like being stuffed into my anal sphincter just as much as being hugged by Jesus. Maybe while I'm on Earth, I can learn to truly be evil from American politicians. That's why I've joined The Movement, Mommagorgon. So I can encounter the Corruptiticians personally! I miss you terribly. Tell father to go fuck himself.
Your boy,
Burden."

As this issue begins, Vengeance Moth calls the Graveyard Faction "a bunch of snarky buttholes." And that is a big reason why this comic book is so great. The only other character in the DC Universe that I can see saying that is maybe Alfred Pennyworth. Holy shit. I would so read a comic book written by Gail Simone about Alfred Pennyworth at home taking care of Alfred Pennyworth (the cat!), Titus, and Batcow. Also Bruce. He probably needs the most taking care of.

Burden in his demon form battling Arson, Assholster, Hester Prynne, and Butterface.

Assholster reminds me that his real name is Pallas when he calls himself a god. Why choose Pallas if you're going to be under the delusion that you're a god? I suppose that's the problem with delusions! You don't get to pick them! Although I wish one of the ancient Greek gods really had been named Assholster. I bet Assholster the god would be more effective against Burden the Pit-Lord than stupid dumb Pallas manages to be. But even a raging Pit-Lord with mommy issues can't hope to hold out against four other super powered beings. Which is why Vengeance Moth needs to come to his rescue.

But first, an interlude! A very sexy interlude!

Mouse is micexual.

Back to Vengeance Moth's rescue, she beats Hester Prynne with a crutch. She beat that bitch with a stick. She beat that bitch with a stick. She beat she beat she beat she beat she beat that bitch with a stick.

Sorry.

That'll only work if the Fruit Snack is Dimmesdale's Cock Flavoured.

Hester Prynne manages to fail in her attempt to kill Vengeance Moth because Pallas's blasts of godhood cause the ceiling to collapse all around everyone. For some reason, Pallas dislikes demons from Hell. He's so fucking judgmental. But Vengeance Moth manages to put a call in to Virtue before she completely passes out from rocks hitting her in the face.

There's this whole other scene back at the police station that I've been completely ignoring because it's just a bunch of cops and they're all, "Tell our story! Tell our story! We're so fucking important because we keep you safe! We protect you so pay attention to us!" But I was all, "Daaaaaamn. Fuck that shit, bitchstacios! You gotta learn that there's a difference between 'protecting' and 'policing,' doggydaddios! And until you get that crapoler through your fat-ass blue shields, I'mma just stand over here pretendin' you ain't even there." And they were all, "What the fuck did he just say?" And I was all, "You heard me! It takes different strokes to rule the world. Yes it does." And then I skipped out of there humming the theme from What's Happening and one of the cops whistled and said, "Dang. That boy is smooth crystals!"

And then there is a romantic part!

Talk about smooth crystals!

I wonder if Mouse's breath smells like rat piss? No, I don't actually. I'm fairly certain everything about Mouse smells like rat piss. I had one rat in my room in high school and every fucking thing smelled like rat piss. But it was probably worth it because rats are pretty sweet creatures. Except that Willard one. That one was a dick.

Back at The Movement's Batcave, Hester Prynne was about to have The Graveyard Faction retreat from Burden and Vengeance Moth and the collapsing roof when Katharsis, Virtue, Tremor, and Mouse appear to back everyone up. Apparently Hester Prynne believes that gave her team better odds because now she's decided to attack instead of flee! Hester Prynne might not be the brightest leader The Graveyard Faction ever had.

Virtue borrows Vengeance Moth's fear and uses it against Hester Prynne who becomes incapacitated. Arson has a shattered leg and Butterface really should probably put on more clothes. But in the meantime, Virtue tells them to get the hell out and they get out while the getting out gets them out.

"Tell our story! Pay attention to us! We have things to say too!" Ugh! It's those fucking cops again. Okay, okay. You get two panels! Make them good! And don't make them about Toothless Joe since he's getting fired anyway. I'm sure he'll be back for revengeance later.

Oh! Fascinating! Good choice of panels!

Does that mean Virtue died during Darkseid's invasion? Is that when she got her powers? I bet she was eating a bag of skittles when a Boom Tube opened directly on top of her, infusing her with the taste of the rainbow. She could also have been eating Sprees but Sprees don't have a catchy commercial telling people to eat them. They simply get by on their own delicious reputation and their silky smooth feeling on the tongue.

And then the issue ends with Batgirl coming to town because Babs feels like this comic book doesn't have enough Narration Boxing in it. Plus...wedding plans!

Mouse wanted me to crop out Tremor's negative reaction.

The Movement #8 Rating: +1 Ranking because this is one of the few comic books that serves up a nice dose of whimsy and people calling other people buttholes. That word is awesome because it sounds pretty innocent and it's never censored because it isn't an actual swear word like "assholes." But I love the word because when people hear asshole, they think of a person that is a fucking dick. But when you hear the word butthole, you picture an actual butthole! That word is dirtier than most of the other curse words! Mmmm, buttholes! Who doesn't love buttholes?! Also donut holes. Those are good too.

The Movement #7

I've already forgotten the real names of The Graveyard Faction. They'll always be Butterface, Assholster, Hester Prynne, and Emo Pigpen to me.

I do remember Arson's name because it struck me as fairly boring. I wonder if his name was a mishear? His parents probably looked proudly on him at high school graduation as they clasped their hands, looked each other deeply in the eyes, and sighed, "Our son." Their son heard it as "Arson" and a flaming light bulb appeared over his head as he realized he knew what he wanted to study in college: Microbiology! Also, maybe he'd start burning buildings down as a hobby, or part-time job if he could find the work. I'm certain Craigslist: Coral City has a Sketchy Career Opportunities section.

Last issue, Mouse had been left strung up on a lamppost (that's why his face is crossed out!) and Tremor had let the corrupt cops skip out on their mock trial. The Cornea Killer (I was having trouble remembering his name because "serial killer" kept making me think of cornflakes and I just knew Cornflake Killer couldn't possibly be the guy's name even if Gail Simone is writing this) was revealed to be the son of Man Cannon, the corrupt corruptician running things in Coral City. Vengeance Moth had a moment where she flipped the fuck out but we still didn't really get to see her powers. And Burden was being told more lies about himself. But it's okay because this time the lies were to help him get over the lies that were causing him so much pain!

It's easy to follow an Indigo trail in Coral City since most of the city is orange, yellow, and red.

Burden looks like he's having a really pleasant time tied to the bed. I think The Movement accidentally found his kink.

Virtue takes off to help out with Mouse, leaving Vengeance Moth to contemplate her super powers: muscular dystrophy and not doing drugs. Hmm, maybe those are just facts about her. Her super power is still a mystery! But she's still trying to foist fruit snacks on everyone. What are in those things?

Her favorite fruit snack flavor? Slightly Aroused Uncircumcised Penis.

Meanwhile, Mouse's dying words are, "Tremor, I want to pet your fur." Who doesn't? But is that really a fitting epitaph? Maybe if your tombstone was going to be set up in a skeezy bar so it can hit on people. I woke up a few weeks ago with most of my own epitaph already formed in my head! It'll take a gigantic hunk of marble to inscribe it all onto though because it's this long (also, this is it):

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.

I know I already put this in one of my commentaries! Don't think I won't be putting it in future ones either! If you want to read highly original works of art, this blog isn't it! This place is where I write down my thoughts and then create more thoughts that are derivative of the original thoughts and then repeat myself and create more derivative thoughts based on the stuff I've repeated several times over again. It's so much easier to come up with material that way!

Nearby Mouse's Lamppost, The Graveyard Faction are hiding in an alleyway waiting for Virtue to arrive. It looks like Hester Prynne can follow emotional trails just like Virtue can because The Graveyard Faction now plans to follow Virtue's backwash back to The Movement's hideout where Vengeance Moth was left alone with Redlance, Suntop, Ember, and the other Elf children.

Oh! Oh! I know a good ritual for that!

But before Vengeance Moth can help Burden with his problem, Suntop notices something isn't quite right with the tunnels.

Earlier Vengeance Moth mentioned how she doesn't like to fight. So she really is taking Redlance's part in defending the homestead.

Maybe Vengeance Moth has a really sweet power that can be used for violence but she hates to have to resort to that. That's why she chose such an in-your-face name. So she doesn't have to get in your face at all.

While Vengeance Moth prepares to protect the sanctuary against the Graveyard Faction, Katharsis rushes Mouse to a hospital probably filled with cops since they're all hanging about listening to Toothless Joe tell his tale of survival horror. He's trying to get the cops to raid The Movement's hideout before they have time to bolster their defences. Shut up, Spell Check! That's a completely acceptable way to spell "defense" if you don't mind living in a grey and gray limbo between American English and British English!

She can also shoot forth little green moths to cut and slice and eat cotton drapes. I wonder if she can do moths in other spectrum colours? I just typed that to piss off Spell Check some more. Stupid bloody wanker.

Oh yeah! I knew I liked Butterface's actual name: Monster Baby. I'm not sure if my fake name for her or her real name is more offensive. Probably my fake name since she didn't choose to be called that!

Back at the hospital, Mouse is really fucked up. He probably should have told his team, before he wound up in a coma, that he has regenerative powers but they only work when he's doing some quality heavy petting. Get this boy a pubic area stat!

Officer Yee has decided to stand alone against Toothless Joe and the other corrupt cops to keep them from going back and killing civilians. The Police Chief delivers some files on the Graveyard Faction to Virtue so that maybe The Movement will stand a chance against Man Cannon's super powered mercenaries whom the Police Chief obviously doesn't want on his turf. And back at headquarters, Burden is the only chance left to keep everybody safe. Not exorcised, sin-free little Christopher with the sexytime feelings. Crazy, epistolary, sin-filled, Mama's Boy Burden.

I know Vengeance Moth is manipulating him to save people, but it's really the right thing to do. He can't be free of his problems while living a different lie which is why I especially like this because it's reminiscent of Mulan. Christopher's problems can't be beaten if he's living a lie. He must deal with his demons while being true to himself. So get back on the Devil Wagon, bitch!

And then I turn the page and HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Burden's demon form does not disappoint. It's like a cross between a dinosaur and a pegasus and a satyr that didn't heed the warning about eating raw seafood and ingested a bunch of Octopus eggs which have finally hatched. He probably smells really, really badly as well. I wonder what his mother would say?

The Movement #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Compared to some of DC's other twenty page comic books, this one packs in a lot more story. Usually with this many scene changes, a comic book can feel like it has barely moved ahead in the plot. But Gail Simone has some pretty tight control over her story telling abilities here. She probably doesn't have to worry too much about editors mucking around with her script ideas either since these characters are either brand new or peripheral to the rest of the DC Universe. And it's fun while still managing serious themes!