Earth Too: Society #19

Tornado Lane is going to have a tough time going undercover.

The press should stop sending journalists to White House press conferences. Instead, they should just hire the guys from Jackass to attend them all. I wonder how many farts to the face or shaved hair ambushes or punches in the balls Sean Spicer could take while acting like he's in on the joke before he quits his lie-telling job?

Today on Tumblr, some anon told me to kill myself. Son, I've been playing Call of Duty for years. When you tell me to kill myself, all I hear is "Good job owning me completely!"

On New New Earth 2 Too, the Wonders discover they're still being hunted by The Sandmen. The whole "undercover" bit on the cover is just some time-wasting until the Sandmen can attack before they can actually do anything undercover. Meanwhile the Bat-family are rescued by Steel who turns on them for arbitrary reasons. The only actual reveal in this issue comes on the last page (of course) just to be shocking when it could have been revealed much earlier and provided for more actual story. The whole premise of this issue was to have the reader thinking, "Who is The Director?! Who is The Director?! He's wearing purple and green armor so it must be...well, it must be Ultra-Humanite since he was pretty much the only villain left from Earth Too.

What Did We Learn?
I think perhaps we learned that DC Comics signed a contract with Dan Abnett to write a certain number of Earth 2 books before they had solidified their Rebirth plans. Now he's stuck dragging out this Earth 2 story until he fulfills the contract and everybody can go back to not giving a shit about this version of Earth 2. Although I'm sure DC Comics will decided to throw more money at the concept by rebooting this world as Earth 2 Rebirth. If so, it'll be the first Rebirth book that I don't even give a chance.

The Ranking!
-1! Nothing fucking happened!

Earth Too: Society #18

The end is nigh! Although not nigh enough!

Batdick, The Huntress, and Batdick's son John have also survived The Casketing. They're wandering about the stark white world having a discussion that most heroes sorely need to have.

I was completely on Batdick's side until he called Helena by name while she's in her Huntress costume. Asshole.

The Langolier Sandmen attack the trio during which John yells at one of them, "Get off Aunt Helena!" Code names, kids! Also, um, maybe get your relationships straight. How is Helena Wayne your aunt? The Dick Grayson of New 52 Earth 2 wasn't the ward of Bruce Wayne. I don't mind this kind of misinformation being thrown around in Rebirth because Rebirth is a whole new crazy mashing together of old DC timelines (sort of?) but this book is still based on The New 52. I won't have this characters her playing fast and loose with their comic book reality!

Although I should excuse John. He is, in another reality, a six year old boy whose father never really tried too hard to find him when he got lost. He might be used to calling strange women hanging out with his dad "Aunt".

The other heroes elsewhere begin bathing the city in x-rays as they try to figure out where they are. Turns out the city forming around them looks like Old Metropolis. I don't know how "old" the "old" is in Old Metropolis but I'm willing to bet it's not old enough for me. It's highly doubtful these characters will be exterminated to bring back the super duper Old Metropolis of the original Earth 2. So things are probably resetting to the shitty New 52 Earth 2 that nobody fucking cares about. I'm still sore that I spent so much money on it and World's End and Society. How does one start a class action lawsuit against a comic book company?

Metropolis isn't even fully formed yet and the superheroes are destroying it. Fucking assholes.

The Sandmen try one desperate time to murder the Wonders who shouldn't be transitioning from Earth Too to New New 52 Earth 2. Or, hopefully, just a totally different Earth 2 altogether that maybe contains the World War II Veteran Wonders. They might be in their late hundred and fifties judging by the technology of Metropolis but that shouldn't stop them. They're Wonders!

Upon arriving, they're greeted by a new Steel who is probably going to pretend that they'll only survive if each one of them sucks his dick.

What Did We Learn?
DC Comics has no idea when to end a comic book. This really should have ended when the entire world went white. On the plus side, I think it's about to get much better than it's been since about World's End #1.

The Ranking!
No change!

Earth Too: Society #17

Inconceivably, after the Pandora Casket was opened, Power Girl's breasts got bigger and Val-Zod now has an invisible penis.

I thought last issue was the final issue because Earth Too was written over by Fury opening the Pandora Casket. But I guess that would be an unsatisfying ending for most people. Those people are desperate jerks who probably think after they die, they're going to get some kind of eloquent epilogue to wrap up their life in a pretty little bow of meaning. Look, I understand why people choose to believe in some kind of afterlife. I get it. Why not believe in the thing you want to believe in and whistle blithely into the void? But there's a reason Fox Mulder had a poster that said "I want to believe." That phrasing is quite specific. Some of us would love to believe! We'd love to think it's all kittens and roses rather than nonexistence! I was going to say "kittens and roses rather than blackness and earthworms." But even blackness and earthworms is too much of a description for what it's like after one dies. I suppose I could use the old standard of it being exactly like before you were born. I mean, you didn't exist then either! Isn't that also a terrifying notion?! I mean, billions and billions of years passed (and probably even more than that!) before some gross dude stuck his penis in the purest woman ever's vagina and created me! It actually seems more plausible that the universe never existed until I came into being and was able to perceive it! When I die, I'm shutting this shit down!

This issue begins with a red line zipping around a white city just starting to come into focus. Or go out of focus. It's hard to tell. Anyway, it's probably The Flash. I only added the "probably" so as to not seem too arrogant. I'm told that acknowledging my perceptiveness is a total turn-off to stupid readers. And I can't lost half of my audience because they think I'm an arrogant jerk! So I totally wasn't sure it was The Flash even though nobody reading this book thought anything else. Does that make me seem more relatable?

This issue is called "After the End: The Final Fate of Earth 2: Part One." NO! Part One!? Come on! I thought for sure this thing was done. Now I'm intensely worried that the Doctor Fate #17 in my stack isn't the last stupid issue of that stupid comic book!

The Flash finds Fury sad about destroying the world. But doesn't she see? She's just erased the hard drive! Now she gets to reinstall whatever history she wants! Fury and Flash can think up a world where super heroes constantly fought the Nazis! A world where the super heroes could use totally racist terms against their enemies because those enemies were the greatest enemies ever! And anybody tsk-tsking calling a Nazi a no-good Kraut could go jump off in a lake! Jerko Nazi sympathizers!

Elsewhere, Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and Hawk-cop have also survived the erasing of the world. I guess if you're an important character, you get to live. Nobody should worry at all about all of the unimportant people who no longer exist.

Tornado Lane tells Hawk-cop that she heard a voice talking about imminent cohesion. Hawk-cop is all, "What is cohesion? Der!" And Tornado Lane, the robot journalist, is all, "No idear! Der!" I guess they don't want to spoil the surprise for the stupid readers who haven't already figured out what is happening! I mean, readers like me, of course! What is going on? Der!

To keep the process timely (the world should coalesce in a little over an hour), the Pandora Casket's programming must rid the area of all extrinsic creatures. That probably means the Wonders! And to do the ridding, the Pandora Casket has created some Langoliers out of Sandman. Flash and Fury group up with Tornado Lane, Hawk-cop, and Power Girl after which they're attacked by more Sandmen. But Superman arrives to save the day right before this issue ends.

This story should have just ended last issue. I don't see the point in extending it at all! The New 52 Earth-2 was a huge failure! Couldn't DC just allow it the dignity to disappear into nonexistence without another word?

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. The Flash (*)
8. Earth 2: Society (*)

Earth Too: Society Annual #1

Haven't we reached peak Batman saturation yet?

The Facts!
• I am not an earnest, well-intentioned Writer who says the things that people want to hear so they can feel righteous in their daily vitriolic anger. I cannot lead the revolution! If I were to discuss anything of any real import, I would just wind up making light of it and not treating it seriously enough for the people who actually care about it. Sometimes there's a place for earnestness and optimism. Even I enjoy reading and listening to people who really want to say something meaningful and important in a completely unselfish way. But this isn't that place. This is where you can come to pretend you don't live in a world where every single statement by every single person is gross and problematic to at least one other person in the world and thus nobody should actually say anything at all ever. Let me be your martyr. Let me be crucified for your gross and problematic sins. Believe in me and you will...well, you won't have everlasting life or anything. You might, if you're lucky, realize that people can joke about pretty much everything because the world is a shitty and painful place and who has the right to tell anybody else that they can't make a joke about something if it somehow lightens the world a little for them. I mean within the well-established rules of who can joke about what, of course! I would obviously never make a joke about the Portuguese because I'm not Portuguese! Although aren't we all brothers and sisters? Are we not all the same? Do we not all share a common ancestor, far back in the hidden recesses of our unknowable history? So I probably can make a Portuguese gardener joke, right?!

• I'm so sick of people aspiring to inspire. Inspiration is bullshit. Inspiration is like taking a shot of adrenaline, pumping your fist in the air, and screaming "This!" at the top of your lungs and then, as the excitement of the moment moves further and further into your past, slowly descending back into your pathetic do-nothing attitude surrounded by boxes of empty Oreo containers. Inspiration without motivation or ambition is as useful as a power surge. Inspiration has simply become a major buzzword because it slaps a layer of selflessness over something that is inherently selfish and self-involved. It's a way to believe that the fulfillment of your dreams (which, generally, could technically be described as "selfish desires") has a bigger impact on the world than just making you happy and satisfied.

• Oh, I brought up inspiration because this story is called "Legacy" and we all know what that means in comic book parlance. A hero is an older person who the company thinks fans can't identify with so that hero inspires a younger generation to completely rip them off. Now the company has the same hero but with a younger demographic. Cha-ching!

• Dick is speaking with his son John about taking over as the next Batman after Dick gives up his life to save Earth-Too. How did John and Dick get back together? Who the fuck knows? I don't really care but I'm certain this comic book is about to tell me.

• Is it really wise to have a six year old as the new Batman? I know his body looks sixteen! But he's got the mind of a six year old! His relationship with Legacy Catwoman is going to be just a lot of her chasing him around Gotham as he screams, "Gross!"

• The story finally gets around to beginning at the beginning where Ultra-Humanite is still trying to convince a six year old that he doesn't need his deadbeat dad in his life anymore. That's when The Huntress falls out of the sky screaming at John that he has to come with her. Doesn't she know you probably shouldn't startle a six year old holding a flamethrower?

• Before John can go with Helena, he must deal with his grief.

I mean, he has to battle a kid named Grief.

• I wish somebody would accidentally knock over the Pandora Vessel--I mean Casket!--and just remake Earth-2 already. If these characters survive, I won't be particularly happy with the Rebirth Earth-2 comic book. Am I truly supposed to care about John Grayson? Unless he begins acting like a six year old in a sixteen year old's body, I just can't take him seriously.

• Remember how Superboy was a newborn baby in a sixteen year old's body? I never took him seriously either!

• The six year old psychoanalyzes his father. I guess John Grayson is just another fucking genius child in the DC Universe. They're all so fucking smart! When do us stupid people get representation?! I mean aside from Jaime Reyes.

• Dick points out to his kid how he isn't fit to be Batman. He was just a lousy journalist. His entire training consists of watching his wife fight people to protect the family and breaking his back. But I guess that's enough because he hasn't been killed by Earth-2 Joker yet. Oh, I guess he was also trained by Huntress and Wildcat. But that was only after he survived all the Conversion Earth-2 bullshit.

• Dick almost quits but his son throws a tantrum and is all, "I want Batman as my daddy!" So Dick decides to keep being Batman and John decides to be his sidekick and earnest people everywhere who can't listen to "Cat's in the Cradle" without turning into a soaking wet ball of snot probably feel a twinge of sentimentality while reading this story. My dad is a piece of shit who was drunk through most of my first two decades and then expected to become my best friend in later years and I don't feel anything when I hear "Cat's in the Cradle" or read stories where fathers and sons bond. Although sometimes Nick Cave's "The Weeping Song" penetrates the callus over my heart and makes me feel like maybe I'm causing my dad pain by not allowing him to think he's my best friend. What's up with that?! Why does that song suddenly make me feel like the bad guy?!

The Opinions!
I don't care about this version of Dick Grayson and I certainly don't care about his son John whom Dick couldn't be bothered to protect for about thirty or more issues of Earth-2. So now I'm supposed to buy into this relationship because of the way John keeps calling Dick "Daddy"?! Fuck that! Somebody open the Pandora Casket already so we can get back the Justice Society!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #13

I was in a bromance once. We did a lot of brock-gobbling and brodomy.

The Review!
According to Lobdell's retweets of people who like his Red Hood Loves Arsenal comic book (because I imagine he retweets every single positive mention he gets), he has about three fans of this book. I'm a nobody and I think I receive more appreciation for my stupid bullshit! That makes me feel bad for Lobdell. Now that this series is over, I truly hope he's decided to recommit himself to giving a shit about his Rebirth comic book. I doubt that will happen since he's been writing for DC for five years and he has yet to prove that he thinks about anything he's writing for longer than it takes him to jot the script down on the back of a bar napkin. He doesn't even seem to remember his scripts from month to month because there is no logical consistency in any of the characters in any of his DC Comics series. I suppose that's the main reason he continues to get work. With no consistency in his characters, he can change them as editorial dictates come down the line. Anything an editor wants, Lobdell does. I'm not saying that as an insult! I'm just saying he's easy to work with and he gets the job that's needed done. It's just that that never results in a compelling story. And it will never result in characters I will grow to love. It simply results in a superficial book that I'll forget about five minutes after closing the cover. I suppose comics has always had a place for that kind of fluff so Lobdell fills a niche. Plus people seem to love Jason Todd and Roy Harper no matter how poorly they're handled.

The Commentary!
I must have slept in on the day this book was released because I don't remember everybody dancing in the streets, fireworks displays around the world, and the end of all global conflict as everybody was united in their hatred of this piece of shit comic book. I suppose that would only have happened if this comic book had been mandated reading for everybody on the planet. Perhaps it should have been! It would have been like Ozymandias's giant space squid exploding into Times Square (except with more deaths from suicide). Everybody would have been united in their hatred and their need to end this threat to their existence! And then when DC cancelled it, everybody would have been so elated that they would have forgotten their petty religious squabbles or international border disputes or terrifyingly militaristic national foreign policies! I suppose we would have had to take to the streets and kill all of the fans of this comic book but that's a purge I believe we could all agree would be for the greater good.

This issue begins with Roy Harper about to die! But Jason Todd has one chance left to save him! And that chance is a mysterious arrow built by a rockabilly genius! It's probably the deus ex machina arrow. Roy can invent anything so I'm not sure why he hasn't invented one of those. He could enter any conflict, fire the arrow, and save the day! What kind of rockabilly genius is he?! He's an idiot for not having invented one already!

Red Hood begins killing the members of Iron Rule by using arrows that negate the nuclear energy that gave them their super powers and brought them back to life.

See? Roy can invent anything as long as he can scream out an explication for what the thing does!

For awhile, Jason Todd was killing people willy-nilly. Then the editorial mandate came down to make him more likeable by not killing (which goes to show how much editorial knows because the only redeeming quality to Jason Todd was that he was the Batman who kills). Just a few issues ago, he was yelling at Roy not to kill. So now that the only way Jason Todd's writer can think to get him through this conflict is by killing the bad guys, Jason Todd must provide some Narration Box Rationalizations for why it's okay to kill this time. Here's an idea! Just let Red Hood kill without compunction! Everybody understands why he kills! Just, you know, write him better. Develop his philosophy and ethics and write the character based on those things. Just maybe make his motivations consistent. Is that too much to ask? Because having him flip-flop from one set of beliefs to another from issue to issue is just one of the reasons why this comic book is so terrible.

Just a few issues ago, everything he was doing was based on giving people a second chance because he was given one. But, you know, fuck that. This is different!

I have a question about Roy's nuclear spill clean-up arrows! What does he do with the arrows after they've been used? Does he have a "Send Toxic Waste Into A Black Hole" Arrow? Show of hands: who thinks nobody will discuss the toxic clean-up before this issue ends?!

Jason Todd kills all but one member of Iron Rule and The Joker's Daughter (oh, he also didn't kill Roy or Tara Battleworth, if that statement had you worried because you're a dummy or an Actually Nerd). It's at this point when Roy Harper decides it's his turn to tell Jason Todd not to kill and that they're better than that. Oh, fuck you, Lobdell. No. Fuck you, DC Comics. Why do you keep giving this guy work? And fuck everybody who likes his writing because you obviously don't understand character, cause and effect, motivations, theme, plot, paragraphs, sentences, words, punctuation, and anything, really.

Roy convinces Jason not to kill the last member of Iron Rule because of Mommy Issues. That leaves just the Joker's Daughter to deal with because she's about ready to blow Tara Battleworth's head off for huge internet ratings. Although, for some reason, the awful people watching this horrible live feed have turned on her and now want to vote her dead instead of Roy. People on Earth-Main-Earth are so fickle.

Roy uses his Stop the Joker's Daughter Arrows to stop The Joker's Daughter before she can kill Tara. I think that's a good thing. I don't even know why Tara Battleworth was a recurring character in this comic book. I guess it's that fickle thing. First she refuses to hire Red Hood and Arsenal. Then she sends them on a field test which they fail so she doesn't hire them. Then she hires them for a special job. Then she never wants to work them again. I think. I don't remember. Once again, a character shows no consistency in this book. Simply put, whatever a character can do to serve the current issue's plot, they will do.

This is how Harry and the Hendersons ended, right?

And that's the end of that nonsense. Except for a back-up feature about how Jason Todd and Roy Harper began their homosexual romance. I mean bromance!

It's not Batman who will wind up killing you when you head out alone without telling Batman where you've gone.

Apparently Batwoman didn't stop the crime of baseball themed bad guys committing robbery inside baseball stadiums. The guys Roy and Jason battle are called the Batboys!

They're not very dedicated to their theme.

I don't like to spoil the ends of comic book stories but I'll just say this: long, passionate kiss and a hand-job.

Wonder Woman #52

This cover makes me sad because it reminds me when I was a little tuna-lad and Cliff Chiang was doing the art on this book.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing is hard. Not just the typing part although that's pretty tough too! The part of writing where you have to put words together and hope that an editor doesn't mark up your computer screen with her evil red pen. Why are there so many rules to remember? Like don't end sentences with prepositions such as "of" or "with". Or incomplete sentences! Those are a real hassle! And what about that other thing that people hate? The old lady thing? Oh yeah! Grammar! Ugh! But the really truly hardest part of writing is not writing Wonder Woman's story in the most sexist way possible! That part of writing is hard even when you manage not to do it because people are just frothing at the mouth to point out sexism in everything! I bet I just sounded like a sexist four or five times in this paragraph alone! Especially that part where I called my mother a bitch!

Oh wait! I only thought that part! I thought I wrote it because I think it constantly! When I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how my father was a drunk bastard who never had any time for me! Occasionally I'll have a free moment where I'm not thinking about my parents and then I start thinking about my sister! What a cunt!

I told you writing is hard! I'm not even writing about Wonder Woman and I got all sexist anyway! That's why I've decided to go easy on Meredith Finch this last issue. Because I see how hard it must be to take a feminist icon like Wonder Woman and try to tell your story about how every woman's greatest yearning is to be a mother. That's a tough job to pull off! Especially when you have so many jerks on the Internet telling you how awful you are and how you married a guy who draws pretty good female breasts. Although it's creepy that he always attaches them to thirteen year old girls. And you'd think he'd spend at least a little time practicing drawing men's faces so that they didn't look like bizarre Fish People hiding in the shadows even when they're standing directly under the noonday sun.

This issue is called "In the Name of Love" because it's story about a woman and that's pretty much the only subject anybody is interested in when the main character is a woman. I don't want to see her doing science or fighting battles or making really strong Magic the Gathering decks! I want to see her find love, settle down, cook up a nice dinner, and end the night with some nice, mature doing of it. Who's with me, Internet?!

I'm glad people can't throw tomatoes through the Internet because I bet I'd currently be covered in mustard. I mean ketchup!

I don't think the kind of love the title is referring to is the sexy kind of love. I think it's the motherly love and the gal-pal love of hinted at lesbianism. So Diana has to save Zola who is under the kind of spell that looks like it needs to be broken by a long, deep girl-on-girl kiss! And she has to save Zeke because she's got a bad case of Baby Rabies. At first I typed "Baby Ravies" but that's an entirely different story that has even more pacifiers than you'd usually find in a story about babies.

Oh gross! Hecate wants to do it to a baby?! I bet even the Olympians frown on that!

The theme of this entire story has either been Wonder Woman can't wait to have a Kryptonian baby, or people who look like monsters aren't always monsters and monsters who look like people sometimes swim really well. Because now Hecate is telling Zeke all about how she was treated like a monster because she looked like a monster which is why she became a monster who wants to do it to a baby. Because that's the theme, I think Diana has to forgive Hecate at the end of this all because Hecate was so misunderstood and victimized. It's the only way to be sure that the victimizing victim doesn't get blamed for wanting to do it to a baby.

I really can't let go Hecate's desire to do it to a baby! You all know what I mean by "it", right? It's hard to tell because kids today have so many words for doing it, words like "talking" and "hooking up" and "Cleveland Steamer".

Hera appears and begins calling Hecate a disgusting monster whose vagina offered Zeus nothing but power! Man. I wish I had some power! I actually wish I had some carrot cake. Vagina scares me. I mean, penis scares me too! But the story didn't really mention penis. I mean, it mentioned Zeus was a misogynistic whore which is a pretty good nickname for a penis, as in "I've got a pretty average-sized misogynistic whore!"

Whew! I'm glad Hera has turned out to be the real monster because I'd rather believe gorgeous people are the true monsters and hideous little misshapen vomit-inducers are the good people of the world! My reasons for wanting to believe this are secret reasons that you wouldn't understand because you don't have to look into the same mirror that I do! Besides, it's always nice to have another reason to hate beautiful people!

Diana ties up Hera with her Golden Lasso and then begins fighting with Hecate. I guess she's just run out of patience with everybody. I totally get that! I'm like, "Ugh! Stop trying to stay in contact with me, family! I moved away for a reason!" And then my sister is all, "But we love you! Why do you keep us at arm's length?!" And then I'm all, "You still haven't fucking apologized for changing the channel while I was watching the video for Lionel Richie's 'Hello'!" There. That's the story! Now you see why I used such a harsh word to describe my sister. I think you'll agree it was justified!

While Hecate and Diana battle, Hera wanders up to murder Zeke. I'm so confused by the multiple symbols that make up this moment! Zeus is symbolic of the Patriarchy and about to be destroyed forever by the ultimate battered and beleaguered wife! But Zeus is currently a baby which is like carrot cake to the Matriarchy! And the misogynist whore is in the lap of Gaia, the ultimate mother! Meanwhile a monster fights to save the baby while the beautiful person wants to murder it! Up is down and down is racist!

Hecate sees her chance to run off as Hera and Diana work through all the symbols in their final New 52 conversation. Love, manipulation, mothers, fathers, Gods, beauty, ugliness, truth, Frisbee Golf. They discuss it all! This is the point in the comic book where you purchase Huey Lewis's "The Power of Love" from iTunes and begin rocking out to it. It's also the point where Zeke turns back into Zeus only five years after I first said Zeke was Zeus. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

All that's left are the end of Stand By Me epilogues! Hera went on to remain a bitter, hateful shrew at the side of a misogynistic whore! But at least she looked beautiful doing it, the monster!

Hecate went to live in a vagina with a penis.

The Penises, or Cyclopes, are allowed to wander freely staring creepily at everybody. Zola died in the war. And Wonder Woman now spends her time smelling Zeke's nappy to remember that time when she almost had a baby of her own, fulfilling all of her dreams! Although I don't get why everybody is sad about the "death" of Zeke! He didn't die and he was never really a baby! He was just Zeus doing some weird new pervo action! "Hmm," wondered Zeus as he banged his thingy into Zola's thingy over and over (unless it only takes one over to be over!), "Coming in this vagina feels awesome! I wonder what coming out of it would feel like?!" Gross!

Action Comics #50

I got the special Ruin the Original Cover With Adverts Variant!

Action Comics #50 Rating: No change.

Twitter would be better if it didn't allow people to comment on other people's tweets. Fully 95% of people should just stop having opinions because their opinions are boring, uninteresting, and poorly thought out. Most Reply Jokes on Twitter are just people restating the original joke in an unsubtle way and thinking that they're fucking hilarious. But I guess replying to people is the entire point of Twitter anyway. Nobody really fucking cares what anybody else has to say anyway. They just want a forum to spew their narcissistic thoughts to the other narcissists who aren't listening anyway. We know this is true because anybody who follows more than around fifty people can't be paying any attention to what the people they're following are tweeting. People who follow hundreds or thousands of other people on Twitter may as well be following nobody because their Twitter feed is now just white noise from the thousands of posts scrolling through their feed every minute.

Tumblr would be better if most of the people using Tumblr didn't exist. Fully 95% of the people on Tumblr are cats willingly walking into a room full of people in rocking chairs trying to get their tails under one of the rails so they can scream and hiss at the person having a lovely day rocking. They're people desperate to have a condition in the DSM to use as armor against any kind of criticism while at the same time moaning about how the DSM has now labeled their cognitive state as a disorder. They're kids rushing toward androgyny so that they can spit in the face of anybody who honestly misgenders them with no malice intended. They're a generation who seem to believe the greatest power they can wield is crushing free speech by ridiculing those who actually understand why it's important. You guys, they literally believe the word literally makes everything literally more literal.

Facebook would be better if it just didn't exist. Do I really need to know how many of my relatives are mean-spirited racist assholes or easily hurt downers with a mental state more fragile than their collection of crystal unicorns? How many hours of inner contemplation and self-betterment are lost to shitty games with Saga or Ville in the title? A little piece of my metaphorical soul dies every time I see any "news" story on the Trending Sidebar. And what is Facebook really used for anyway? It's pretty much just Birth Announcements and Pet Obituaries.

Blogs would be better if the people running the blogs stopped writing them as if they're speaking to an audience. Because--let's face the horribly unjust facts of my life--nobody is reading anything on the internet unless it's so they can reply with their own opinions on the topic of the blog. Nobody is entertained by other people's thoughts anymore. They just want a forum to spew forth their unwanted and probably unwashed opinions. Which is why I'm going to stop offering any and all opinions on everything. Because nobody fucking gives a shit. They just look at the title of the post and scroll down to the Comments section where they can tell me what they thought of the comic in the title. One of first people who began commenting on my blog eventually became somebody that I was glad to see commenting and with whom I eventually enjoyed interacting. But when he first began commenting? I was fucking annoyed with him! He began by simply posting his own reviews of the comic books in the comments section! I'd rather have people swinging by calling me "Lead Twat" and then getting super pissed off at me for "personal attacks" when I shot back at them and called them a dum-dum! But that's part of the problem as well! People who do actually react to my "reviews" might take them personally and then personally attack me in the comments because they feel justified. So they tend to think I fired the first shot when I can hardly even remember what stupid shit I typed the day after I typed it!

None of this has anything to do with Action Comics. But then, most of what I've written in my "comic book reviews" has very little to do with the actual comic! If you want a real review, there are plenty of shit people writing dishonest reviews because they're so afraid of pissing off any of the creators they may have once met at a con and now think of as a personal friend. Here's a quote from the Weird Science blog's Telos #6 Review to show I did the least amount of research as possible to back up my point: "I hate saying all of this because Jeff King could possibly be the nicest dude in the world and if not the nicest, he's definitely in the running......... I just don't like this series." Why does that guy use so many periods? Doesn't he know there are kids in Africa who can't end their sentences without sounding too excited or unsure because of his waste?

Regarding that last paragraph, I suppose that wasn't a dishonest review. But you can see the writer's trepidation in voicing an honest opinion because he didn't want to hurt Jeff King's feelings. Look, Eric (I think that was his name)! Don't worry about hurting a creator's feelings! They received a nice paycheck to compensate them for the amount of internet shit they're going to get over every single stupid thing they write. You know why I don't mind calling Scott Lobdell the poster child for the dangers of unsafe sex? Because he's fucking swimming in X-men cash! He doesn't give a shit what I have to say because he's got the greatest shield in the world: scads and scads of money! If he really cared about criticism, he'd stop writing garbage, right?! The only writing he really fucking seems to care about is when he's endorsing his checks at the bank. And even then, I bet his signature is mostly a line. Wait! I can actually verify that! Let me see. Where is the Big Book of First Issues he unwittingly signed for me as I stood there thinking, "You write shit, mate." Oh! Here it is beside me. Let me have a look . . . yep. Mostly a line. He can't even be bothered with his own name!

All of this is to say nothing because here I am writing a blog on the internet, posting on Tumblr, linking it to Twitter, and, occasionally, sending it over to Facebook so my friends and family can think, "What the fuck is this asshole doing with his life?" Here are my shit opinions on what is primarily shit pop culture, internet! Suck it!

A lot of the worst New 52/DC You material has just been ideas cobbled from Young Justice episodes but done much worse.

It's not that Young Justice didn't take ideas from pre-existing DC Comic book stories as well. It's just that they incorporated previous DC History into a show that took the DC Universe in its own direction (you know, an interesting one). So they took the Glorious Godfrey idea of turning the masses against the heroes and they took the whole metagene Bloodlines thing and they threw them in the Young Justice slow cooker as part of the big story. But I can't help feeling that this whole House of Dawn thing is a bit too reminiscent of Young Justice: Invasion where Vandal Savage and a host of other baddies created a secret society to turn a bunch of humans into superbeings whom they could control in an effort to take over the world. The bad guys even have a similar name for the group since in the cartoon it's The Light and here it's Dawn Command. Or Savage Dawn. Or Dawn of the Dum-Dums.

Luckily for those people who haven't been writing a blog about comic books to help them remember everything that has been going on in every monthly title DC puts out, Vandal Savage recounts the events of the Superman titles across the last year. He doesn't tie them together as neatly as he should because they don't really tie together that neatly. When all the events are mentioned quickly in the space of a couple of pages though, it sounds sort of like he had a plan that made sense. The gist of it is that Superman lost his powers and Vandal Savage drained them. With the power he stole from Superman that he could have just taken directly from the sun and in bigger quantities although that story would have been boring shit, Vandal has merged the JLA Watchtower with the Fortress of Solitude with The Eye of the Storm to create a comet magnet. Now he's going to capture the comet that gave him his powers so that he can have more power than even the power he stole from Superman or could have taken directly from the sun. And he's captured the entire Justice League so nobody can stop him now!

I mean, Superman will probably stop him. But probably not in this issue. That will probably happen in Superman #50.

Just fucking use solar power already! Stop bothering with the negligible amount of energy in Lex Luthor's fat cells. He got all of that energy from the sun to begin with!

I've never understood power as the motivation for being an evil villain. Why would anybody want to bother? Vandal Savage is immortal and has the resources to live any kind of unfettered life he'd like to live. But he'd rather spend his time causing all of this drama? I guess the power of the comet is like super-heroin.

Meanwhile, Superman is now powered by Kryptonite. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense. All a comic book has to do is present an idea while raising its eyebrows and going, "Hunh? Hunh? Never thought of that before, did you?!" The idea this time is "What if Superman used Kryptonite as chemotherapy?!?!?!?!?!" I had to add all of the extra punctuation because that's how I imagine the idea was presented at the yearly "What the fuck kind of stupid ass stories are we going to put Superman in this year?" corporate board meeting.

Vandal Savage shoots Superman out of the sky while Kal is using his new Kryptonite Flight Power which works differently than his Yellow Sun Flight Power.

Batman finishes the "more importantly" statement with "he always has friends" and I sprain my wrist doing a jerking off motion.

So basically Superman's plan is to have friends. Is that really a solid plan? I currently have a friend on Facebook asking her friends for help moving and apparently nobody is responding because she sent out the second message after the plea for help which is always the "shame on you all for not helping me" message. I bet that really got everybody running to the door to help out! I suppose I could have volunteered to help but my plan is not to have friends. My plan is to do everything myself and only interact with other people when I absolutely have to.

Yeah because that would have been a dick thing to say! "Hey, friends! You're my back-up plan! But know this: there's no chance you're going to be able to do anything if me and the Justice League couldn't! Pathetic B-List losers!"

Superman's plan to have friends means he has to save his friends. So that might be a bit of a flaw in his plan. It's why he had a secret identity! So his friends don't get in the way of his plans! But now Vandal Savage has to punch Superman a whole bunch of times because Vandal's plan is to distract Superman with punches until the next part of the plan takes place. The next part is when the comet is close enough to Earth to turn all of Savage's offspring into super assholes.

All of Superman's friends ask themselves, "What would Superman do?" And the answer to that is "throw his life away by relying on friends instead of making plans." So they all stick around Metropolis as the Eye of the Storm begins crashing into it. If I were one of Superman's friends, I'd ask myself, "Which one of us can stop that fucking comet since that's Vandal's main plan? Shouldn't Green Lantern be stopping it or something instead of just battling Vandal on his ship? I mean, if you stop the comet, you stop his plans. So, um, you know. Someone? Zatanna maybe? She can say "Comet be gone!" backwards, right?"

Vandal begins to show compassion for his children this issue because it mirrors Superman's feelings for his friends. But Vandal is just using them for his own ends while Superman . . . well, Superman is technically using his friends for his own ends too. Except his ends aren't selfish so it's okay to manipulate people towards his goals. I mean, not that he's manipulating them! He's, um, inspiring them! Inspiring them to be great enough to throw their lives away! If I were Jimmy Olsen, I would be inspired to call Green Lantern to stop that comet.

Vandal sends his children on a shuttle towards the comet to see if he'll survive close proximity to it. He and Superman are also on the shuttle. I mean, they're literally on the shuttle and not in it like the passengers are. Vandal shoots Superman and kills him while Vandal hops off the shuttle to land on the ground in a broken, immortal heap. I'm sure he'll be fine by Superman #50. Superman, meanwhile, falls into the Fortress of Solitude which finally recognizes him and restores him to greatness. So that's all he needed to get his powers back? Find somebody who could lift that stupid oversized key to unlock the Fortress and let him in?

Now that Superman has his powers back, he doesn't need his friends because he can just punch his way through all of his problems. And now that Vandal's children have become super children thanks to the comet, their plan is to punch their way through the problem (which is Superman). So even with all the talk of needing plans to win, it's all going to come down to a slugfest anyway. Oh comic books. Don't ever change. And by that I mean change. Fucking just change already. I'm tired of your shit.

Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Nightwing #18

I suppose Dick is going to blame himself for Damian's death since he was right there and couldn't stop it.

Last issue ended with Damian trying to help Dick process what The Joker did and said. It was a nice conversation and a nice moment and I wonder if Kyle Higgins knew Damian was going to be dead when he wrote it. I think if Higgins knew, he would have spent more than a couple of pages on their conversation. But that's exactly the way it should have been, I think. Dick couldn't have known that Damian was going to be dead within the week. He makes future plans with Damian. They vow to spend more time together. And then death happens. Just like real life. So now Nightwing has Damian's death to process as well as the rest of his life falling apart. Nightwing is not in a good place.

The art isn't in a very good place either.

Did I ever mention that time I harshly critiqued one of Marcus To's Justice League International covers and he posted about it? Artistically, the cover really wasn't bad and I think his work is some of the best. But the composition was horrible and I was probably in one of my moods and I'd probably just read another stinking issue drawn by Rob Liefeld and I was simply at my most hyperbolic and venomous and what I said really was completely unfair. So I ripped it apart. He found it and commented on it. I messaged him and said some nice stuff. No harm done. But his fans hated me for saying what I said! And one of the most common retorts was "Let's see how well he draws!" As if my art somehow limits my ability to judge whether a hand is drawn properly or not. It seems that if you hate the way something is drawn, you're not allowed to say so or explain why unless you can draw better. But if you like the way something is drawn, you're allowed to say so without ever offering up how well you can draw. And apparently your opinion only matters if you can draw as well or better than the artist you're critiquing.

Also, I probably shouldn't be able to judge writers so harshly when I've never written a comic book published by an actual publisher. I hate people that put limits on who can say what and who can do whatever. Let people be negative as well as positive! If the person ranting actually has a point or something to add to the overall conversation (the conversation being Life), don't tell them to shut up simply because you don't like what you're hearing. Now if I had simply said, "Marcus To is an asshole and his art sucks," please, have at me. But I explained why I didn't like the cover and some of it was poorly said and the art was actually well done but I still think the composition for the cover was unimaginative and lazy.

It's also good to call out people like me who run their mouths and often don't actually mean everything they say and can sometimes be a bit too mean-spirited. But if you do call me out, I'll just post that you're a jerk who doesn't know anything and should probably shut the hell up.

I guess I'm trying to explain why I can look at the above panels and say, "Holy heck! When did Sophia Branch contract some kind of degenerative facial disease?!"

Later that night, Batman shows up as if nothing has changed. Forget that he lied to everyone. Forget that he caused The Joker to fuck with Dick and completely screw up his life. Forget that Damian just recently died while Nightwing was only twenty feet away. Batman can still show up, tell Nightwing to get dressed, and they're swinging through Gotham in silence not ten minutes later.

Thank you, Kyle Higgins. At least somebody is remembering that Death of the Family should have had some kind of lasting effect on how members of the Bat Family feel about Batman.

Batman leaves Dick to deal with The Dealer himself. Is this Batman being charitable? Is this what passes for emotion or an apology in Batmanland? "You know what Dick might like to cheer himself up? Cracking a few heads and saving his father's tights! And if I help him to do that, he'll forgive my atrocious ability to be an intimate and a friend!"

The Dealer and his henchmen hang out in gas masks. I don't know if that's mostly for disguise or because he likes to use gas in his criminal activities. Whatever the case, Dick actually goes into battle using a rebreather. That means he's smarter than Batman who attacks The Scarecrow in his hideout without using any kind of gas mask. Because The Scarecrow isn't nearly exclusively known for fucking people up with gas or anything.

Once the auction is ruined, The Dealer sets everything ablaze with one of the items on sale. All of the auction items burn up and some of the horrible people trying to buy The Dealer's deranged goods become trapped by the fire. If this is the way The Dealer conducts an auction, I have a feeling he's not going to be in the business for very long. Burning the items you just sold is one thing. Burning the items AND the customers? Not even in Gotham, sir.

How do you show your face in your circle of evil friends once you call for help from one of the superheroes you hate so much? The shame. The shame!

The next day, Dick Grayson goes back to visit Damian's grave because he can finally bring voice to his feelings.

This scene was really, really touching and it absolutely made me tear up, so forgive me when I turn into a cynical bitch in the next sentence. You just wish you could have been there for him? YOU WERE THERE! You were groggy and near unconscious and unable to save his ass, you gigantic failure!

I get the feeling that Kyle Higgins wasn't exactly aware of the particulars of Damian's death when he wrote this scene. It doesn't really change that much but I would expect Dick to be really blaming himself for his part in Damian's death. Not that Dick is to blame at all! But he was thoroughly enjoying that moment in Batman Incorporated when he and Damian were working together again. And then Nightwing was knocked out and Damian tried his best to defeat Talia's Batthing and failed. And Dick would see that failure as partially (if not mostly) his own failure for not protecting Damian. I'm sure if Dick could have stood at the end of that fight, he would have died in Damian's place. Perhaps when things settle down and Kyle is completely in control of this book without the other Bat Forces acting on it, he'll take some time to allow Nightwing to reflect on that scene more.

Until then, Dick is feeling better and ready to try to get into Sonia's panties. But first Sonia has something to show him that could potentially destroy their relationship. Maybe you can guess what it is from Dick's reaction (and knowing the seven or eight Preboot years previous to The New 52 better than I do!)?

My guess: a sex tape was released starring Sonia and Starfire?

Oh! I guess I don't have to wait until next month to find out like I thought I was going to have to. Apparently Sonia's father, Tony Zucco, is still alive! He's part of some criminal organization in Chicago. Or maybe he's helping law enforcement? That could be complicated! Anyway, the guy that killed Nightwing's parents is still alive. So now Nightwing has to deal with this shit too!

Nightwing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was all over the fucking place, from horrible to not very good. So I guess it wasn't ALL over the place. Just all over the bad side of the place. But I liked the rest of the book. And I'm glad Nightwing hasn't quite forgiven Bruce for the shit he put everybody through by not being honest about The Joker. And since Nightwing's amusement park has been destroyed, he has nothing left to keep him in Gotham for now. Hello Chicago!