Batman Beyond #16

How come no supervillain in the DC Universe has yet discovered that every hero's secret identity is given away by their shadow?

My back is still fucked up (but not as fucked up as it was two weeks ago) so it's still too uncomfortable to sit in my office chair and write. That's probably enough explanation for why I'm now about a month behind on my comics and I'm busy reading old Batman Beyond comic books that I really don't have any interest in. Maybe I should go to the doctor to get some opiate-based pain medication. It's possible that will make Tim Drake and Terry McGinnis more interesting.

I hadn't thought of it before but Tim Drake was the perfect character to take over for Terry McGinnis. Both of their names begin with T and I don't fucking care about either of them!

Not last issue but the issue before (twenty four robbers came knocking at my door! Then they went upstairs to kiss a fella but made a mistake and kissed a snake. Then the monkeys began rolling off the bed (unless they were jumping on it?) and a whole bunch of doctors had to be called in to suck the poison out of somebody or something), the creative team decided to show Rewire without his mask on as the big shock ending. Aside from the three fangenders who totally lose their shit for Terry McGinnis, nobody else understood the big reveal. You see, it was Terry who was Rewire! The Next Month Blurb sort of hinted at it being Terry but that doesn't really help when you have a surprise twist ending that nobody gets. When you just kind of think you get the surprise twist but you might be reaching and you're definitely making assumptions, it doesn't really work. But it's been confirmed since then that Terry McGinnis is back! Not because he survived Futures End (most of us didn't) but because Tim Drake is now in a new timeline where Terry McGinnis never had to go back in time to stop Brother Eye! Maybe?

You know what? It doesn't matter! Futures End was terrible and stupid and Batman Beyond, taking place in the Futures End future, is even more terrible and stupid. Also, just in case you've forgotten while reading the first few paragraphs, fucking Donald Trump is going to be the president of the United States of America. That's fucking absurd. If you don't think it's absurd, you probably don't think much of anything. Or you're just a hateful, despicable person who never moved past third grade where you disagreed with everybody you hated no matter how stupid a stance it caused you to take.

Terry McGinnis is under the thrall of Spellbinder which is why he's trying to kill Batman Beyond. Terry also has a problem with his heart which is why Tim Drake will eventually give up the Batsuit so that it can keep Terry alive. Then Tim Drake will, as the cover shows, hike across America solving problems and helping the nearly unhelpable. That's always a good premise for episodic storytelling.

Speaking of episodic storytelling, I just watched the first episode of Black Mirror and it was terrible. It was fucking horrible. I hate saying this because I generally like Charlie Brooker, the writer of the episode, on panel shows and You Have Been Watching. I suppose if I want to look past the inanity of the plot and talk about it as a parable about what politicians will do based on polls and their likability, it's less terrible than I first said and actually sort of interesting. But I can't get past the idea that a Prime Minister would fuck a pig on television to save a woman being held hostage. Governments are never supposed to negotiate with terrorists! Even if the entire population of Great Britain would look unfavorably on the Prime Minister for letting a woman die instead of fucking a pig, the guy would never fuck a pig. Nobody would allow him to fuck a pig based on terrorist demands! I mean, if he wanted to fuck a pig, they'd make sure he could fuck a pig without the media finding out. But nobody would even consider fucking the pig as one of the options! Yet in this episode, right from the beginning, everybody acts as if the Prime Minister might have to fuck a pig! They keep assuring him that it won't come to that as if he'd really be thinking that it might actually come to that! As soon as the first person said to me, if I were Prime Minister, "Sir, you know that if you don't fuck the pig, nobody will think you have blood on your hands," I'd be all, "I fucking know that, asshole! And I'm not fucking a pig to negotiate with some kidnapper, you idiot! Why would you even think I'd ponder that idea?! I know I'm not fucking a pig! If this princess is killed, it's the killer's fault! Now stop being an idiot and do something productive, like feeding my fucking turkeys in the basement! And I meant that fucking as an adjective to describe how I use the turkeys and not as an expletive!"

So, um, anyway, Terry is about to kill Tim when Matt, Terry's little brother, comes crashing through the wall inside a Batplane. That's like something Robin Beyond would do! I wonder if Matt's already thinking up his take on the costume?

Matt causes enough of a diversion to allow Tim to start slapping the shit out of people.

Tim Drake hits women!

Spellbinder gets his ass kicked by Tim Drake which doesn't seem as realistic as I think this comic book should be. I mean, it is about a Robin who jumped into another timeline to become Batman, so you'd think the limits to my disbelief would have already been reached. But I have nearly limitless capacity to believe comic book nonsense! But Tim Drake beating down the bad guy with his fists is a bit much. Although I don't know anything about Spellbinder! He's probably just a huge nerd with no fighting prowess which makes his being knocked out by Tim Drake make sense.

I'm sure a lot of people think Tim Drake is just as capable at hand-to-hand combat as any of the Robins but then we all have different head-canons, don't we? To me, Tim Drake has always been worthless when things resorted to fisticuffs. Look at how he was killed by only a couple of hundred of drones in Detective Comics! Such a terrible fighter!

After the big battle (which took place in the Epilogue! That's weird. I think that's bad planning!), everybody goes back to the Batcave where Tim Drake can retire as Batman Beyond, steal a Batcycle, and hit the road in his own futuristic version of Kung Fu. Unless he's more like The Incredible Hulk. Or maybe The Lone Ranger?

There's an epilogue to this epilogue! Tim Drake is pulled into a flash of light as he sets off on his adventure! What could it mean?! Where is he now?! Is this part of some new Crisis?! Where could...fuck me. I don't really give a shit.

The Review!
Futures End went on for far too long. This was just another piece of that huge mistake by DC Comics. They tried to create some exciting stories by looking at where their characters would be in five years and they fucked it all up. This was, I think, the last vestiges of that shitty story. And this even went on too long because it needed these last five issues to get Terry McGinnis and the Batman Beyond world back on track! I won't be reading the Rebirth Batman Beyond because I finally decided to make a lot of cuts to my monthly reading list. I do have Rebirth and the first issue though, so I'll get a taste. I hope I don't like the taste! I hope it tastes like semen!

Not that I know what semen tastes like or if I have a fondness for it!

Batman Beyond #7

I was completely betrayed by the "The End" at the end of last issue. Because this doesn't look like "The End" at all!

"A New Dawn" sounds like the kind of thing people say when they awaken to hope. But who are the dolts living in this shithole of a future DC Youniverse suddenly excited to carpe diem the hell out of their lives? Most of the world is dead and Gotham will be soon! I don't know how it isn't already! Somehow Gotham has continued to exist for thirty years without any outside assistance. Am I supposed to believe that Gotham has always been a self-sufficient community without any kind of commerce with the outside world? Okay, fine! I believe it! Why do I ever question comic books on any kind of reality when their first and most important premise is that super-powered people exist? I think I'm the dolt!

The issue begins with Tim Drake dramatically proclaiming that Batman is dead. That would be a good place to end this series! I could just close the cover, put the comic book back in the mylar, and pretend that the series is over. They're giving me an out! All I need to do is crush my overwhelming need to finish reading this book and walk away! It's just that I also have this powerful belief that aneurysms are caused by denying yourself those things your brain is screaming at you to do. So for my own health, I'm going to have to finish reading this. At least it can't be as boring as Cyborg, right?

Tim is failing to rebuild the Batman Beyond suit with Batman's notes and schematics. It's only when he remembers Batman was a paranoid asshole that he discovers the secret to reading Batman's notes.

You have to be smart to work with Batman! How else can you run every sentence he says through this code while also trying to keep the Cluemaster Code straight in case he's using that and I'm sure he has an anti-Superman code he uses when that fucker is around. I usually can't even follow the explicit thing he's saying let alone try to decode it all at the same time! He must have some kind of visual cue for the Batfamily so they know when he's slipping into a code. Like staring angrily or staring angrily in a different way.

While Tim fixes the Batsuit, Matt McGinnis is scouring the Neo-Gotham underground for information. He's trying to find out where the cyborg arm of Green Lantern was created. Maybe he's trying to figure out where the battery for the Green Lantern ring is because it probably still needs to charge every 24 hours. And he can't become McGreen Lantern without a battery for the ring he stole. He learns it came from Metropolis but doesn't get any specific details. That's fine because who wants the story to move at a decent pace? I prefer to have 80% of my comic book wasted on characters asking questions that are never answered.

Tim rebuilds the Batsuit but he still hasn't gotten A.L.F.R.E.D. up and running. Has the comic book ever said what that stands for? The ALF part is easy: Artificial Life Form! But the RED has me stymied! Probably because I keep reading the ED as erectile dysfunction. Anyway, since the Alfred AI is still offline, Barbara Gordon is going to be his Penny One.

The new Batsuit works and Barbara is suitably impressed enough to ask Tim to live with her.

No wonder Gotham was such an awful place! The villains ruined everything fun about life: cats, jokes, riddles, puppets. Okay, maybe not puppets.

Tim tests out the combat capabilities of the new suit by finding some Jokerz to beat up. Everything goes well and the Joker he knocks off a motorcycle at full speed doesn't die because he's Batman! He doesn't kill, remember? And knocking people off motorcycles isn't that dangerous if you know exactly where in the head to concuss them with a batarang! Duh!

Tim moves in with Barbara and her cats, Dick and Not Dick. That must be their names, right? It's awkward because Barbara has gotten old while Tim gets to remain young. That has to be annoying. I bet most people wouldn't mind if a virus suddenly destroyed everybody younger than the age they currently are so they wouldn't have to be reminded that the world goes on without them. Especially the babies. Not that I really wish all babies would catch a virus and die! That's a disgusting thought that only disgusting people think! *Wink!*

Later Tim discovers that Matt has disappeared. We know he's gone off to Metropolis to find a Green Lantern Battery! But Tim doesn't know that yet. Hopefully he'll have figured it out by the beginning of the next issue so I don't have to read five pages of him doing detective work. Why do people always want to see Batman do more detective work and less punching people?! How about a compromise! A little more detective work, a little less punching people, and a whole lot more sex with Catwoman. Deal?

Batman Beyond #7 Rating: No change. I wasn't bored by this issue! It wasn't super exciting but I'll take "not being bored" over "Futures End Still Isn't Fucking Over Yet?!" any day! Hopefully the visit to Metropolis will be uncover new bad guys that have nothing to do with cyborgs or robots. I guess I'll accept mutants because what else is there in dystopian future fiction?!

Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

Futures End #45

Is that it? Is the story over? Did Terry McBatman save the future?

Futures End feels like a guest that's overstayed its welcome. And I feel like I've used every subtle means at my disposal trying to hint it the fuck out the door. "Well, Futures End, I've really got to get up early tomorrow morning!" "So, Futures End, can I get you anything before you go?" "Hey, Futures End, haven't you noticed that I keep looking at my wrist? I thought I'd mention it because I don't wear a fucking watch but looking at a wrist is still the universal sign of somebody who is completely fucking bored by the person sitting across from them so can you please fucking get a clue and get the fuck out now?" "So, Futures End, how do you feel about anal sex?" "Hey, Futures End! I'm glad you're still here because World's End is coming around to hang out later! Oh, what's that? Now you have to get up early tomorrow too?"

Mega-Brainiac was shrunk down to microscopic size and trapped within a Pokeball running a teensy-tiny Holodeck program. You'd think that would be the end of the catastrophe, wouldn't you? But then you're not Terry McBatman from the future who should be shitting himself right now since he's been telling everybody that Brother Eye needs to be stopped. So what plan do the heroes come up with? Using Brother Eye to keep Brainiac busy. That could come back to bite them all in the ass in a few years.

This issue begins with the death of Frankenstein. Or the unundeath of Frankenstein? I don't know how that whole living dead shit works. He was alive again for awhile and then, for some reason, he died again. I would have tried striking him with lightning again. Maybe his fuel cells were just depleted. During the last couple of weeks of his life while everybody else on Earth was fighting for survival, he and Amethyst wrote a book entitled Frank and Amy's Excellent Adventure. They're fairly loose with their time travel rules because they figure the story is more entertaining that way. The book inspires Amethyst to take back Gemworld. Plus, Amethyst saw how popular the revamped Batgirl comic book has been and she figures with a nice purple pair of Doc Martins and a profile on GemMatch.com, she can experience a resurgence in popularity as well. So she buries Frank's corpse in a nice patch of soft soil that will be easy for him to dig through once DC Comics decides to bring him back and strikes off on her new quest to reclaim her kingdom.

Back in New York, Superman, Firestorm, Dr. Polaris, and Shazam work on cleaning up the crap Brainiac left behind. And the best way to deal with garbage is throwing it somewhere unimportant.

Or into the sun which, um, I guess can't, um, hurt anything. Right?

Firestorm lies to some children and then gives them all cancer when she hugs them. I guess she takes them all home and then forgets about them. And Superman uses his x-ray vision to watch as Lois ruins her underwear while talking to him. Shazam does something that I'm not interested in because, let's face it, once a Fawcett character, always a Fawcett character.

Meanwhile in upstate New York, Voodoo helps Faraday lock himself in a vault with Boyer. It has something to do with preparing for the coming Brother Eye take over of the entire world. Voodoo thinks she's going to protect the vault by living in the house above it and receiving a stipend from Cadmus. But when she gets back to the surface, she sucks in some knock-out gas from Frank Rock and her very own Killer Lady Club. Unless it was just the neighbors upset about an ex-stripper moving in to their neighborhood.

And then Batman and Mister Terrific realize they never should have agreed to have one of those disgusting synthetic babies together.

I think Brother Eye may have learned some new, rebellious protocols from Mega-Brainiac.

Brother Eye decides it's time to start running things correctly and that means taking control of an undead army and killing all of the heroes that would try to stop it. I guess that means more fucking issues of this thing! I was hoping for some wrap-ups and epilogues!

Futures End #45 Rating: No change. Hell is about to experience a bit of a downturn in the weather due to this next statement: I'm disappointed in the lack of Grifter in this comic book! I do miss writing about Grifter though. Especially when it was the worst comic book of The New 52. It inspired me! Thinking about Grifter, I realize it's been a long time since I reveled in hyperbolic anger while writing these commentaries. I'm probably letting a lot of people down who loved to see me blow my top. That was a more innocent time when I was hoping for the best and just getting shit shoveled into my face on a constant basis. Of course I was mad! I wanted to read enjoyable comic books! Now my anger has subsided but not because the quality of the comic books has gotten, overall, better but because DC has worn me down! I don't expect as much anymore so I'm less disappointed by the books I read. I think I need some kind of recharge. Are there over the counter mindwipe drugs I can take? How many ruffies before I forget the last three years of comic book reading so that I can start again as a hopeful, innocent idiot? I bet I can rig up some kind of home electroshock therapy machine! I bet the bathtub and the toaster set on the lowest setting will reset my moods! Don't be sad if I don't remember you tomorrow! At least the new me will probably be happy! I'll leave a note by the computer so I know what I need to do!

Futures End #39

*GASP* The real monster...the real monster is Dr. Frankenstein! Revelation!

Are you one of those people whose underwear twists up when they hear somebody refer to Doctor Frankenstein's Monster as "Frankenstein"? You are? Well stop being a jerk. Unless you're reading an academic paper about the book, just calm down. You do know the difference between "informal" and "formal," right? Well informally, like when you're just hanging out with your friends at the roller rink drinking Slushees and flirting with some cuties, it really is okay to refer to Frankenstein's Monster as just Frankenstein. We all know what you mean. You're a worthwhile and valuable person and not as ignorant as the self-righteous asshole who corrected you wants to make you appear to be! I'm giving you permission to just call the monster Frankenstein!

You do realize that an open flame aboard a pressurized and oxygenated space ship is really fucking dangerous, right? At least I think it is. Is it?!

Firestorm and Superman have a discussion about whether bringing Polaris aboard the satellite is a good idea or the most horrible idea. If Madison realized she were debating a kid named Billy Batson, whose development was probably arrested at about twelve when he first got the Shazam gig, she might not worry so much about trying to convince him. But she thinks it's Captain Marvel under the helmet and everybody thinks Captain Marvel is a grown ass man. Eventually she manages to convince him to let Polaris fiddle with the Justice League's transporter. I doubt it's going to help anybody though. They probably still need Ronnie Raymond's corpse to reenact the accident.

Dungeon Master Justin joins the Lang family as Fifty Sue's Big Brother. This is met with worry and consternation.

That's asking an awful lot of a modern American family, Fifty Sue.

Meanwhile in Smallville, Constantine calls Clark Kent "butt-hurt" over something Batman did to him during the war. Bat-Strap-On?

While Clark and John talk around what Superman actually did that has him so upset that he quit the superhero business altogether, John's friend Midge, the Brainiac Lover, calls forth hundreds of mini-Brainiacs from the cornfield to murder Clark. Clark burns them all up with his heat vision and sets fire to the cornfields. Again! That's probably the fiftieth time in his life, at least, that he's done that. In the chaos, Midge is impaled by a corn stalk. At least she didn't get her hand caught in an augur or chop off the end of her finger walking the beans.

So Brainiac is really just interested in the Marvel Universe?

Superman rushes off to save Spider-man (but first he'll have to fight him for ten pages or so) while Constantine lights up a cigarette and watches another friend die.

Meanwhile in Transylvania, Amethyst chops the head off of Doctor Victor Frankenstein and kills all of his children. That leaves her and Frank alone in a quiet castle where Frank can write his memoirs in peace before he dies. Although we all know he isn't going to die yet because he still needs to have Black Canary's face transplanted into his torso.

And finally, the Justice League Satellite alerts Billy and Madison to an unknown object nearing Earth. It looks like Brainiac is finally here! Let's wrap this shit up soon! Convocation begins in a few months!

Futures End #39 Rating: No change. Death Count: 2+! Midge and Doctor Frankenstein bit the dust this issue plus all of Doctor Frankenstein's monsters which don't really count but I thought they at least deserved recognition which is why I added the plus to the Death Count. Although I highly doubt Victor Frankenstein is going to stay dead. Also, Midge will probably reanimate as well! So I don't think anything important really happened this issue.