Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Batwoman #38

Ratwoman! My favorite!

In this issue, we finally discover the secret origin of the dreaded Cloth Golem!

I haven't taken any time to determine what the circles on each cover represent because I'm lazy and apathetic. Etrigan's cover had some kind of AA symbol thing. Clayface's cover had a splotch of blood. And now Ragman's has the Hebrew word for "Truth." I don't actually read Hebrew! I used Lord Google the Translator to help me out! The only other time I've used Lord Google to help with Hebrew was when I needed to come up with this: מערת הזמן!

Last issue ended with Morgaine being birthed from Clayface. She came out in full armor so the reader could recognize her but when the story continues in this issue, she's naked! Like how Donna Troy emerged from her clay too! Man, I got to get me some clay!

She's a golem too! The best and hottest kind of golem!

Actually, Morgaine doesn't have a thigh gap so I'm finding her utterly repulsive. Ugh! Try to eat less clay, fatty! I guess since she's from a long time ago, she doesn't realize that it's not cool to have inner thighs that touch. Hopefully the head priest will be all, "Don't worry, Morgy. You can cover up that lack of thigh gap with a cute skirt and nobody will be the wiser." Then she'll probably strike him down and be all, "You are a pig! This is how women look, you idiot!"

Morgaine puts on her new robe/skirt/cleavage enhancer and then spices it up with some golden armor and huge horns. And then Batwoman and Etrigan crash through the front window while Ragman crashes through the back window. The gang's all here! Except for Beth! Or Alice. Whatever.

I bet he rhymes "desire" with "hellfire!" He's kind of a one trick poetry pony.

Etrigan finishes his poem with "with a blast of demon fire!" Close enough, enh?

I know! I just pointed that out!

Ragman and Batwoman make introductions and the Alcoholics Anonymous Monks snicker about another couple of heroes that proudly proclaim their gender right there in their name. So unimaginative! And according to the Legion of Super-heroes, the trend only gets worse one thousand years in the future! Ragman also mentions he's a Cloth Golem which I thought I was making up. As my friend Soy Rakelson said over and over and over again throughout our formative years, "I want an original thought!"

The battle commences with Morgaine laughing continuously because how are these idiots going to defeat her? She casts spells! And she's sexy! That's an unbeatable combination.

I think she's less concerned about Etrigan causing a gas explosion than she is about him finishing his rhyme with "bitch."

Beth (or Alice. Whatever) hears about the explosion on her police scanner (listening to police scanners is more of an old guy hobby, isn't it?) and figures her sister will probably be at the scene. So she hops on her Alicecycle and vrooms off to let Kate know she's returned from Get To Know Dad Better Island.

Kate proves she doesn't know anything about poetry when she asks Etrigan to stop with the "limericks from Hell". Last issue she thought he was reciting haikus! She's not very educated!

The crew splits up for now so that Kate can do a little more stalking of Maggie Sawyer when she arrives at the scene. Kate is all, "Have you forgotten how I totally fucked up our relationship for no apparent reason yet?" And Maggie is all, "Go fuck Nocturna!" And Kate is all, "You don't even know her!" And Maggie is all, "She marries and murders men!" And Kate is all, "I'm not a man! I'm a vampire!" And Maggie is all, "Ahhhh!" And Kate is all, "Hiss!" And then they part amicably.

Maybe I should look up the definition of amicably! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual men and the homosexual women.

Obligatory underwear ruining panel for the heterosexual women and the homosexual men.

I'm old so I'm not purposefully erasing anybody with different sexual desires than the fairly straightforward ones I mentioned in the captions. I'm just ignorant of all you other deviants! Go ahead and just look at the picture that turns you on best. Or both of them. Sorry that the Ragman/Clayface one doesn't involve tongue or penis or a clay butthole. You'll just have to use your imagination for that one.

Maybe I should look up the definition of deviants! No, I'm sure that's the right word.

Morgaine finds her new Clayface body less useful than it initially seemed so she hunts down a babysitter that shares her bloodline and takes her body for her own. And Beth (Or Alice. Whatever) drops by to catch up with her sister.

Whew! That's finally settled! Red Alice it is!

Batwoman #38 Rating: No change. At 43, can I get away with using the "I'm old! I don't know any better and I'm too old to learn!" excuse for being an asshole? It's charming, right? Like when good old Grandpa goes off on the minorities and how they're ruining the country. He's just a harmless old dinosaur trapped in his comfy chair with no influence over anybody. So when he spouts his racism, everybody just chuckles and shoves another Hamms beer can into his hand. Hmm, that actually doesn't sound very charming at all! I'd better buy myself a dictionary so I don't accidentally use offensive terms. Do dictionaries tell people which terms are offensive? Or do they just not include them because they're too offensive?

Nightwing #18

I suppose Dick is going to blame himself for Damian's death since he was right there and couldn't stop it.

Last issue ended with Damian trying to help Dick process what The Joker did and said. It was a nice conversation and a nice moment and I wonder if Kyle Higgins knew Damian was going to be dead when he wrote it. I think if Higgins knew, he would have spent more than a couple of pages on their conversation. But that's exactly the way it should have been, I think. Dick couldn't have known that Damian was going to be dead within the week. He makes future plans with Damian. They vow to spend more time together. And then death happens. Just like real life. So now Nightwing has Damian's death to process as well as the rest of his life falling apart. Nightwing is not in a good place.

The art isn't in a very good place either.

Did I ever mention that time I harshly critiqued one of Marcus To's Justice League International covers and he posted about it? Artistically, the cover really wasn't bad and I think his work is some of the best. But the composition was horrible and I was probably in one of my moods and I'd probably just read another stinking issue drawn by Rob Liefeld and I was simply at my most hyperbolic and venomous and what I said really was completely unfair. So I ripped it apart. He found it and commented on it. I messaged him and said some nice stuff. No harm done. But his fans hated me for saying what I said! And one of the most common retorts was "Let's see how well he draws!" As if my art somehow limits my ability to judge whether a hand is drawn properly or not. It seems that if you hate the way something is drawn, you're not allowed to say so or explain why unless you can draw better. But if you like the way something is drawn, you're allowed to say so without ever offering up how well you can draw. And apparently your opinion only matters if you can draw as well or better than the artist you're critiquing.

Also, I probably shouldn't be able to judge writers so harshly when I've never written a comic book published by an actual publisher. I hate people that put limits on who can say what and who can do whatever. Let people be negative as well as positive! If the person ranting actually has a point or something to add to the overall conversation (the conversation being Life), don't tell them to shut up simply because you don't like what you're hearing. Now if I had simply said, "Marcus To is an asshole and his art sucks," please, have at me. But I explained why I didn't like the cover and some of it was poorly said and the art was actually well done but I still think the composition for the cover was unimaginative and lazy.

It's also good to call out people like me who run their mouths and often don't actually mean everything they say and can sometimes be a bit too mean-spirited. But if you do call me out, I'll just post that you're a jerk who doesn't know anything and should probably shut the hell up.

I guess I'm trying to explain why I can look at the above panels and say, "Holy heck! When did Sophia Branch contract some kind of degenerative facial disease?!"

Later that night, Batman shows up as if nothing has changed. Forget that he lied to everyone. Forget that he caused The Joker to fuck with Dick and completely screw up his life. Forget that Damian just recently died while Nightwing was only twenty feet away. Batman can still show up, tell Nightwing to get dressed, and they're swinging through Gotham in silence not ten minutes later.

Thank you, Kyle Higgins. At least somebody is remembering that Death of the Family should have had some kind of lasting effect on how members of the Bat Family feel about Batman.

Batman leaves Dick to deal with The Dealer himself. Is this Batman being charitable? Is this what passes for emotion or an apology in Batmanland? "You know what Dick might like to cheer himself up? Cracking a few heads and saving his father's tights! And if I help him to do that, he'll forgive my atrocious ability to be an intimate and a friend!"

The Dealer and his henchmen hang out in gas masks. I don't know if that's mostly for disguise or because he likes to use gas in his criminal activities. Whatever the case, Dick actually goes into battle using a rebreather. That means he's smarter than Batman who attacks The Scarecrow in his hideout without using any kind of gas mask. Because The Scarecrow isn't nearly exclusively known for fucking people up with gas or anything.

Once the auction is ruined, The Dealer sets everything ablaze with one of the items on sale. All of the auction items burn up and some of the horrible people trying to buy The Dealer's deranged goods become trapped by the fire. If this is the way The Dealer conducts an auction, I have a feeling he's not going to be in the business for very long. Burning the items you just sold is one thing. Burning the items AND the customers? Not even in Gotham, sir.

How do you show your face in your circle of evil friends once you call for help from one of the superheroes you hate so much? The shame. The shame!

The next day, Dick Grayson goes back to visit Damian's grave because he can finally bring voice to his feelings.

This scene was really, really touching and it absolutely made me tear up, so forgive me when I turn into a cynical bitch in the next sentence. You just wish you could have been there for him? YOU WERE THERE! You were groggy and near unconscious and unable to save his ass, you gigantic failure!

I get the feeling that Kyle Higgins wasn't exactly aware of the particulars of Damian's death when he wrote this scene. It doesn't really change that much but I would expect Dick to be really blaming himself for his part in Damian's death. Not that Dick is to blame at all! But he was thoroughly enjoying that moment in Batman Incorporated when he and Damian were working together again. And then Nightwing was knocked out and Damian tried his best to defeat Talia's Batthing and failed. And Dick would see that failure as partially (if not mostly) his own failure for not protecting Damian. I'm sure if Dick could have stood at the end of that fight, he would have died in Damian's place. Perhaps when things settle down and Kyle is completely in control of this book without the other Bat Forces acting on it, he'll take some time to allow Nightwing to reflect on that scene more.

Until then, Dick is feeling better and ready to try to get into Sonia's panties. But first Sonia has something to show him that could potentially destroy their relationship. Maybe you can guess what it is from Dick's reaction (and knowing the seven or eight Preboot years previous to The New 52 better than I do!)?

My guess: a sex tape was released starring Sonia and Starfire?

Oh! I guess I don't have to wait until next month to find out like I thought I was going to have to. Apparently Sonia's father, Tony Zucco, is still alive! He's part of some criminal organization in Chicago. Or maybe he's helping law enforcement? That could be complicated! Anyway, the guy that killed Nightwing's parents is still alive. So now Nightwing has to deal with this shit too!

Nightwing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was all over the fucking place, from horrible to not very good. So I guess it wasn't ALL over the place. Just all over the bad side of the place. But I liked the rest of the book. And I'm glad Nightwing hasn't quite forgiven Bruce for the shit he put everybody through by not being honest about The Joker. And since Nightwing's amusement park has been destroyed, he has nothing left to keep him in Gotham for now. Hello Chicago!

Nightwing #17

Please no more Bat Crossovers for at least another year.

Even though this doesn't have a Death of the Family tag across the front of the comic book, it probably has more to do with Death of the Family than some of the tagged comic books. This one begins close enough after the aftermath of The Joker's little party that Dick Grayson is still beat to shit and needs tea and butlering.

Yeah, well thanks to Nightwing's close association with Haly's Circus, the Joker pretty much nailed it.

Alfred asks Dick if he feels all right. He says, "Yep!" Commissioner Gordon asks Dick if he's okay. He says, "I'm cool!" One of the members of Haly's Circus (everyone lived except James the Joker Clown and Raya the Nightwing Love Interest Slash Assassin) tells Dick to shut up and listen and informs him that everybody in Haly's Circus is getting the fuck out of Gotham the instant they all heal from the Joker's poison. Christina the girl Dick lied to about everyone being safe asks Dick if he's okay. Dick says, "Why wouldn't I be? Dick Grayson is o-kay!" Lucius Fox tells Dick he's lost everything and asks if he'll be okay. Dick says, "Fine and dandy!" Sonia Branch asks Dick if they can fuck later. Dick says, "I'll be all over that later!" Barbara Gordon tells Richard it's all going to be okay. And Dick says, "Will everybody just get off my fucking back already?!"

Every time Nightwing lies to somebody about how he's feeling, Robin is hanging out in the shadows watching.

Robin can tell when somebody is lying to everyone so that he can fucking kill some scumbags later. It's pretty much all he did in his eighth year.

So later after Nightwing shakes all the people who are making slight overtures towards him, he descends on some mystery men digging up something in the ruins of Amusement Mile. Robin shows up in time to keep Dick from killing anybody. But Dick never investigates what they were looking for. Instead he decides to Parkour around Gotham with Damian for a bit.

I was hoping his advice would be more along the lines of "I hear doing it with girls makes you feel better. Right? Does it? You know when you do that thing to girls that we both know you do? You know what I mean, right? Describe it for me and I'll tell you if that was what I was thinking."

So Damian decides he wants to hang out with Dick more often. Probably because everyone is avoiding Bruce right now. And Damian secretly looks up to Grayson. It must be secret since Damian is always such a jerk around him. Kind of.

After Nightwing feels better because Robin reminded him that The Joker is a fucking lunatic, they plan a video game date for the next week and go their separate ways. And in some other part of town, some guy named The Dealer is receiving one of the items dug up at Amusement Mile. It's a Flying Grayson's suit with a Joker face spray painted on it. The Dealer apparently deals in items from recent catastrophes. He must make a fucking fortune in Gotham.

Nightwing #17 Rating: No change. The art in this issue was a bit weird but passable for comic book art. The only thing I wish had been different about the story is more dialogue between Nightwing and Robin. Most of the dialogue with other characters was unemotional and flat, simply there to update the reader on all the shit going on in Dick's life. And to make Barbara Gordon appear a bit snarky and jealous. Between the DeFalco appearance and this one, she's not looking too good in this title! Although maybe she has a right to feel a bit jealous but to let it show at a funeral? Come on, Babs! Have some class, you sexy tomato goblin! Anyway, the dialogue! Yeah, I wish there had been more than two pages with Dick and Damian. And I wish Damian sounded more like a ten year old kid and less like a wise little Alfred. All in all, it was mediocre!