Batwoman Annual #2

Break me off a piece of that Kate Kane Bar!

Back in 2003, I took an airplane to Denver. I carried with me a sealed box that was about one foot square. I had not packed this box myself. I had no idea what was in the box. But it was part of my carry-on luggage and nobody fucking questioned me about it or its contents. I guess the TSA didn't give a shit about the mishmash of weird shit they must have seen inside it via their x-ray vision box. It was full of super hero buttons and magnets and weird toys and candy and at least one bottle of Pepsi Blue. I think the only reason I wasn't hassled about it was because I had no fucking clue it might be a problem. I also didn't put my toiletries in a Ziploc bag and I'm fairly certain my deodorant was way bigger than the limit. I probably also had some Disc Golf Discs which, I'm fairly certain, can be used to hijack a plane.

I mention this because I just thought about it and I think I probably should have asked the person who gave me the box of goodies what I was transporting across state lines. More importantly, I don't think the TSA really give a shit about anything.

This issue begins where Issue #35 left off before the flashback issues. Unless it was an issue other than #35. What am I? One of those editors that add smarmy boxes to the comic book with a stupid nickname attached to them? "See Issue #35--Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!"

The Unknowns have crashed back to Earth where they find themselves in a Gotham they no longer recognize. I think it has something to do with Morgaine using a Mystic Whatzit in a satellite to turn Gotham into Dark Camelot. Or something. I'm just making wild guesses here until I find a pretty picture that I can scan.

Morgaine is queen of Wherever-The-Fuck-They-Are-Shire and she's decided to summon some thugs to kill The Unknowns before they can stop her.

Oh look! It's the crew from Arkham from Issue #29: La Cucaracha, The Blue Fairy, Nocturna, Frat Disaster, and The Janitore! -- Tell-it-like-it-is Tess!

While The Unknowns hide out trying to figure out what Earth they fell back to, they learn that Clayface eats by shoving food in his face hole. They don't get any more details about how it all works though. I think the food just eventually makes its way back out of him and he trails chewed food around wherever he goes. It's probably how Batman finds him even when he's disguised as somebody else. Most people don't have chewed food constantly bubbling out of their skin. Just Clayface. And maybe Bullock.

So while Batwoman (while wearing a robe made of Clayface) is out searching for food, she's ambushed by Nocturna and her crew! And thankfully Nocturna gives their real names.

Frat Disaster is Man o'war. Blue Fairy is Absinthe. La Cucaracha is Scatter. And Janitore is Mr. Mortis. So I was really close on all of them!

Clayface and Batwoman retreat into a dark alley and then only Batwoman emerges. Although she now has a sword and is in chainmail so I think this must be Clayface disguised as Batwoman. Batwoman escapes to go find Jason Blood so they can get Etrigan back on the team. When she last saw Etrigan, he was just bones in space.

Kate gathers up Jason Blood, Ragman, and Red Alice before they all teleport into Morgaine's throne room for the big end of the series battle. It's probably going to end in hell fire and a word that rhymes with hell fire!

I'm disappointed that there was no rhyme.

After the stone is smashed, Gotham returns to normal. The best thing to come out of this entire story is that Jason Blood and Etrigan are once again stuck with each other. I think it's finally time for a modern day Demon comic book! Radu has already been introduced. Now we just need Uncle Harry and Glenda.

The book ends with Kate Kane going to see Maggie Sawyer to talk. Hopefully she tells her what a condescending idiot she's been this whole time. Kate never should have taken it upon herself to "fix" Maggie's relationship with her ex-husband. It wasn't any of Kate's business and she should have just stood by Maggie and supported her during the court proceedings. If things had gone bad and the ex-husband wound up with full custody of Maggie's kid, then Batwoman could have beat the shit out of him and forced him to relinquish all of his parental rights. That's the plan she should have come up with!

Batwoman Annual #2 Rating: I'm glad that the book ended with the possibility of The Unknowns remaining a team working together in Gotham. I'd actually like to see Clayface turn his life around. Hell, I'd like to see a bunch of Batman's enemies go straight. Why not? Just make up new enemies for Batman every year. Haven't we heard every fucking version of a Mad Hatter or a Scarecrow or a Riddler or a Joker or a Bane or a Mr. Freeze story yet?

Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2

The Annuals should be issues where the characters just get to take a break from crimefighting. I want to see Bruce and Clark on a cruise!

This issue begins with Xa-du because we haven't had enough of this boring asshole yet. I mean, I have had enough of him. But I guess Greg Pak doesn't think his readers have had enough of him. If Greg Pak doesn't watch out, he's going to become my next dead horse. He's precariously close to being a writer whose writing I don't like. That's my polite way of saying that he's a bad writer but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that that's just my ignorant opinion and that maybe he's actually a fantastic writer but I just don't happen to like his writing. But if he keeps cramming this idiot Xa-du down my throat, I'm going to unleash the hounds, set the Doomsday Clock to midnight, and get out my Dead Horse Beating Stick. And once I start beating a dead horse, it's very rare that I stop because it's so much fucking fun.

Xa-du was banished back to the Phantom Zone with his ability to escape finally neutralized. But guess what?! He still has the ability to reach out of the Phantom Zone and manipulate people with his Hypno-Impulse! So his next plan is to reach out to all of Batman and Superman's enemies and convince them that Clark Kent needs to die.

Every window in Paris looks out on the Eiffel Tower. I think Escher designed the city.

Yay! Another story where Superman and Batman aren't trying to help people but are simply defending themselves against attack! I can't get enough of stories that show how fucking useless being a superhero is! I just love a good story where all the death and destruction caused is simply because the super hero exists. So inspirational!

I have no idea who the woman in Paris is in the scan above. Phobia? Oh, I bet it's Talia al Ghul, right? There's also a panel showing the Bahamas and a hand with a machete in it. I don't know who the fuck that would be either.

Superman is currently investigating the island where Doomsday exploded everything and killed everybody and whatever the fuck happened in Doomed! The island is on fire and spreading a thick black cloud of Doomsday dust. But Superman knows how to get rid of it and set himself up for a really exciting story where he has to battle Batman's enemies in much the same way Batman has always had to battle them: without any powers! Superman uses his new Exploding Vagina Power to disintegrate everything in a few miles radius around him. Except his power goes KRAKOOM unlike his sister's power which goes FWASH! I guess that's the difference in sound between a vagina exploding and a scrotum exploding. Now he's powerless for twenty-four hours! Just in time for Xa-du's Hypno-Impulse controlled villains to attack him!

Clark heads deeper into the island to await Batman's arrival because he'll be easier to find in the thick jungle than if he remained on the beach. He's looking for the source of the Doomsday Cloud and he finds a bunch of people scavenging medical supplies from one of the abandoned hospitals on the ruined resort island. They've been burning crap that apparently is full of Doomsday's toxins. And then the person in the Bahamas who was influenced by Xa-du attacks.

At least he's starting out with an easy villain.

Now that Superman has a power which causes him to lose his power (pretty much the only reason it was created, by the way), is everybody going to rush out and write their version of the Superman shows how he's a hero even without any powers story? I like Geoff Johns' version where Superman did the right thing in the face of real danger. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this story as much where Superman gets a chance to prove that he's every bit as good at super heroing without powers as Batman is. Batman trained with the best teachers across the planet across many, many years. Superman relies on his invulnerability and super strength. The hardest part of Superman's job is calculating how hard to punch somebody so that he doesn't knock their head clean off of their body. But now he's going to stand toe to toe with Killer Croc, Bane, Talia, and Man-Bat? Bah! I don't even think he could take Man-Bat!

Clark takes a throwing star to the back as he pushes some guy out of the way. It's the same guy he pushed out of the way earlier. I think that guy needs to start getting out of the way on his own. Also, Man-bat must not know what Clark Kent looks like. I will not make a blind as a bat joke because that's a myth and I only deal in truth and facts and self-embellishment. After Clark falls to the ground with a shuriken lodged in his spine, a mysterious woman comes to his rescue!

Now Clark and the mystery woman are stuck back to back by a throwing star.

So she's battling to save her friend (and maybe Clark) while Clark battles to save her friend (and maybe himself) but she's braver? Simply because she doesn't know Batman is coming? You know she's not going to sleep with you for the compliment because she can't hear your Narration Boxing, Clark.

Batman arrives to save their lives and says, "Idiots," as he arrives. What the fuck was that about? They're being attacked by a monster and he's going to chastise them? Does everybody really think the best way to write Batman is to make him a complete asshole?

Hee hee.

Everybody escapes into a manhole and then Bane shoots the Man-bat in the head and kills it. Also arriving with Bane are Cheshire, Killer Croc, and three dozen more Man-bats. They're all hunting Clark Kent and they all have terrifically fast methods of travel and amazingly high tech gadgets that enable them to track Clark Kent. If they're here already, did they see Superman blow his scrotum?

My main question is why are Bane and Killer Croc working together? Xa-du's manipulation doesn't make them forget their past. It just makes them sort of feel like killing Clark Kent. But I think Bane might want a piece of Croc after what he did to him during Batman Eternal. And Croc obviously hasn't forgotten that Bane threw him from the top of Wayne Tower in Arkham War (which is why he humiliated Bane in Batman Eternal!). But now they're just going to forget all the bad blood because they both kind of sort of want to murder Clark Kent for some unknown reason? Bah.

You know what's better than having villains mind-controlled to attack the heroes? Giving the villains a motivation to attack the heroes that makes sense to their characters! But that's hard! And Greg Pak really loves the easy way out.

Clark wants to help Batman stop the thugs but Batman doesn't believe that Clark Kent is ready to go toe to toe with this group of villains (he's right). Batman decides he has to give Clark a quick rundown on the villains so Clark knows exactly why he'll be no help in a fight against them. Batman is a condescending dickhole. Clark Kent is a journalist! I think he knows about these thugs!

Batman tells the civilians to find anything they can use as a weapon and to sit tight while he takes care of business. Janice, the brave woman, uncovers a box full of knives and is all, "Batman sir! Will these do?" Then Clark is all, "I'm going to fight too!" So Batman ties him to a concrete post. Because what better way to use Clark than as bait so Batman can lure the bad guys in close.

Killer Croc breaks through a wall and Clark thinks, "I'm just flesh-and-blood right now and for the first time in ages, I remember what it feels like to be terrified."

Can I ask you a question, Mr. Pak? Do you read the things you write? Do you remember any of the things you write? Because you just recently wrote that story in Action Comics about Smallville turning into a horror story, remember? And remember how the creature devoured fear? And how it made everybody, including Superman, feel terrified? And the way Superman finally defeated the Ultra-Humanite was to allow himself to feel truly terrified so that it would consume too much fear and be sated? Or something like that. However it worked out, I'm fairly certain that the whole point of the story was to show Lana Lang that Superman also feels terror and loss. But now is the first time in ages he's felt scared! Okay. Whatever. I guess this story takes place before that story.

It turns out Clark was in on the "lure Killer Croc in close" plan (although he was still terrified! Coward!). I'm surprised Batman is allowing Clark to act so much in their missions lately. But then Batman and Croc are covered in rubble so now it's up to Clark to save Batman! Unless Janice saves Batman. She is much braver and more competent and less of a puss.

One pillar was taken out and this happens to half the hospital. What a shit building.

The Man-bats are taken out by a poison gas trap but Cheshire, master of poison, is unaffected. But then she's knocked out by a single blow of a pipe to the back of the head. It's like she's not one of the greatest assassins at all! Can Clark at least struggle to defeat Cheshire? My guess is that he got some of his powers back already and he's lucky he didn't completely crush her skull.

As Bane gives chase to Clark, Batman comes out of the jungle riding Croc. Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, Killer Croc attacks Bane and they fall off of a cliff and into the ocean (with a little help from some of Batman's non-lethal explosives). Then Batman is all, "I guess you are kind of competent without any super powers. Hmph. Imagine that." Then he leaves Clark behind so that Clark can help Janice and her friends.

But then Janice stabs him in the stomach because Xa-du hypno-impulsed her.

Everything changes? So the writing will be good?

Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 Rating: This one ends with yet another villain pointing out that people ultimately hate and fear super heroes. I'm so fucking tired of that mantra. The whole point of super hero stories is to feel inspired and uplifted! Who are these writers who believe that Superman is actually reviled instead of loved? It's tired, idiotic bullshit. And why is Xa-du so fucking powerful? He lost the tech which lets him leave the Phantom Zone but he can still see everything that happens? I could buy (barely) that he somehow had the ability to slightly influence horrible people to kill Clark Kent. I'll even buy into the premise that it somehow affected these few criminals so much that they went out and treated it like a paid hit. But I won't accept that Xa-du has the ability to spy on Clark from the Phantom Zone with his crippled technology, that he was able to see and understand that Superman lost his powers when he used his brand new super power, and was able to perceive the person standing next to Clark and manipulate that person into stabbing him. All while from inside the Phantom Zone. I also don't think Xa-du knows what he's talking about anyway when he calls Bane, Killer Croc, and Cheshire his "most lethal champions." There are far better that could have killed Clark Kent. And the ones he chose? If Superman hadn't lost his powers? They would have been absolutely useless! So why even bother?

Ugh. Greg Pak, you seriously need to try harder. You're coming up with themes that work but then doing a half-assed job turning them into a story. So here you wanted a powerless Clark to be able to prove to Batman that he could handle himself against Batman's enemies. That's actually an interesting kernel for a story. But the thing that kernel turned into? It's a mess! It's not an Ann Nocenti level mess but it still comes across as sloppy because the characters are just cardboard cutouts to move the plot along. I suppose if I wanted to defend you, I could say mind control explains it all. But then I have to believe that Xa-du has this kind of power from within the Phantom Zone even after losing half of his brain? I don't even want to believe that Xa-du exists!

Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Wonder Woman #40

I hope we're having Tater Tot Casserole.

After I read this issue, I have the fucking annuals to read. I despise doing commentary on most annuals because nobody cares about annuals! Even the writers don't care about the annuals! The only people who care about annuals are the newbie artists that get to draw them because none of the pros give enough fucks to take on the assignment. This batch of annuals looks to have a bunch of artists that have done work for The New 52 but haven't had any steady work on a title, or are coming back after having been away for a bit. Except for the exceptions. And maybe the writers care! Tomasi usually puts together a Batman and Robin story that tugs at the tear ducts. But I bet the others don't give a shit.

The worst part is that the annuals are so long! When I first came back to comics, I was surprised that they had dropped to just twenty pages. But after doing the commentaries for a few months, I was glad they were so short. Annuals are a pain in the ass.

This issue of Wonder Woman is going to be a pain in the ass too. I can already tell because it begins with Diana attacking Donna Troy. And while she's attacking her, she's talking about how crazy everybody is acting because they've given in to fear. Stop it, Diana. You're the one acting crazy! You're attacking the Amazons newly chosen leader. You've been ignoring their problems and they solved the problem of you ignoring the problem where you ignore their problems. Maybe you should talk with their new leader and decide if she'll do a good job. You're so stressed! Let some of your responsibilities go! Maybe go take a hot bath. I bet David Finch would love to draw that!

The fight is broken up so that everybody can discuss the situation in the way that the situation should have been discussed in the first place. It's when the discussion starts going against you that you pull out the sword, Diana! That's just simple logic!

Wonder Woman isn't doing what's best for anybody! Send the brothers back to Hephaestus. They seemed to enjoy that life. Stop trying to make some kind of political point, Diana, and just let the boys go.

The only female Amazons left on the island, besides that really old lady in that previous scan, are all about thirteen years old. I'm just going by the artwork! Although they must be drinking cows full of growth hormone because...HOO-BOY!...do they all have great big bosoms! And just like a bunch of bossy teenagers that think they know better than every adult ever (obvs! Because the adults are all racists hypocritical dickmunches, amirite?!), they challenge Diana to prove her loyalty to them. Jesus fucking Xmas! Why is everybody in comics drama loving buttholes with no ability to remember anything. Diana fucking just saved you clowns against the armies of the First Born! How can you forget that shit? All these fucking Amazons can just go eat a big bag of dicks! Why not? They won't even know what they're eating, right?

Amazon #1: "Is this a mushroom?"
Amazon #2: "Mine is covered in frosting!"
Amazon #3: "I put mine in my butt!"

"Not like you, you filthy man-mutt!"

Diana points out how the kids used to call her "Jugs" and not because of her large breasts. They constantly teased her for being made out of clay but now they desire a Queen made from clay? Amazons are so fickle! The main thing the ancient philosophers gossiped about when discussing the Amazons was how fickle they were! That and the secret location where they bathed.

Wonder Woman, like Oliver Queen, thinks she knows what's best for the people living in the place where she lives. She sees the flaws they don't know they have. If she could just get them all to change and agree with her and think just like her, everything would be fine! Although I wonder if she's thought about maybe not painting every Amazon with the same broad brush when discussing them? Learn to trust, Diana.

Wonder Woman decides to discuss her problems with Superman while they save some children in a bus about to fall off of a bridge. He's a man! He should have some really good insights into solving the problems of a city full of women!

Why does Superman look like Rob Liefeld in a dark wig?

Wonder Woman admits to Superman that she wasn't comfortable going back to Themyscira after her mother died. Why won't she say those things to the Amazons? That's the kind of shit they need to hear from their Queen! They feel Diana isn't spending enough time on the island and it's affecting her ability to lead. Isn't the fact that she's hurting every time she has to go back part of the problem? She needs to admit it to her fellow Amazons! It would go a long way towards fixing the rift if they knew how her mother's death was interfering with her ability to lead.

I'm starting to suspect Diana should let somebody else lead! She knows it already. She can't split her attention between ruling a small island nation and being a member of the Justice League with an apartment in London and a dangerous plant to take care of. Just let it go, Di!

Who's going to war? If the Amazons want the men off the island, send them back to Hephaestus. The experiment didn't work. Once again: let it motherfucking go!

Superman and Wonder Woman are headed toward that cave where the insect people who were stealing small villages live. Now it's time for Wonder Woman to confront the Insect Queen and learn a little something about the responsibilities of being a Queen! I bet she makes her decision on what to do about Themyscira based on this confrontation!

The Justice League have found the Queen's lair and Wonder Woman declares this may be the only chance they have to stop the Insect People.

What the fuck does that mean? Is he taking a shot at Aquaman somehow?

Before Diana leads them into the cave, Batman takes a moment to get handsy with Diana. He's all, "Diana! I hope you don't mind I've put my hand on your bare shoulder! I know you can feel my manly manliness leaking through my glove (that's also partially the Kryptonite underlining)! But I just wanted to make sure we were okay. I mean, I accused you of being a murdering murderer last issue and I just wanted you to know: I'm still fucking pissed that you turned it around on me and said I had blood on my hands! That's wrong! I do not have any blood on my hands! Take it back!" And Wonder Woman is all, "We're good! Trust me!"

The Justice League encounter the Bug Queen on her non-Buggy throne and they let Wonder Woman speak with her because The Flash cracks too many jokes, Superman is an idiot, and Batman would just scowl and answer every question with "I'm The Batman!" They don't let Cyborg speak because they're all racist. Or it could just be Wonder Woman is kind of an ambassador and also more than kind of a queen herself. So she should know how to talk to the Queen of the Bug People.

I have no idea why Diana flips that guy. I guess David Finch was just all, "Talking is so boring!"

The Bug Queen sure has done her research on the Greek Gods! Although I'm not sure how "We're just killing humans because it's our nature!" is a valid defense for having killed all of the humans. Sure, it's the reason they killed them. They need to feed on humans so they eat humans. But that doesn't mean the humans have to accept it! They have a right to kill the Bug People when the Bug People are murdering them. Then Diana can act all uppity and tell the Bug Queen, "It's in our nature to defend ourselves with violence!" Then the Bug Queen can just be all, "Oh! Okay then. We'll just starve. Sorry about that!"

And then David Finch finally gets his double page splash in! I was wondering if he was going to get around to one. It's a picture of the Amazons slaughtering their brothers while Diana is off debating the Bug Queen. See, Donna Troy and her old patron don't want the men on the island. And apparently all of the other Amazons are dopey enough to go along with killing the men. Forget that they just helped save Paradise Island from the First Born. They're icky men! They deserve to be murdered before they can have a chance to leave peacefully. I guess Donna Troy is just a charismatic, convincing leader.

And that's where this issue ends! The conclusion to the story will take place in the Wonder Woman Annual in two months. That's just bad planning, DC. You should never use the annuals to finish story arcs. If you are going to do that, you really should number the annuals so that they fall in line with the numbering of the regular series. This coming annual should be Wonder Woman Annual #40.5. That way when somebody is picking up back issues of this comic book, they'll know they need to read the annual and they'll know exactly where it fits in.

Wonder Woman #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book just makes the Amazons look like assholes and makes Wonder Woman seem incompetent. I suppose when it all wraps up, Meredith Finch can have Strife lowered down from the ceiling saying, "Surprise! Nobody was acting in the manner they should have been acting because I was influencing them! Any horrible characterizations are totally explained away because of the influence of the Gods! Please do not write letters of complaint!" If fans thought The New 52 Wonder Woman was bad before, they should get a load of this skidmark named Diana! What a joke! I hope it's a joke. This is all a joke, right Meredith?

Harley Quinn #16

Everybody in the whole cell block was doing something that's too vulgar to type that rhymes with "block"!

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy have decided to take in a movie. Harley Quinn lies to Pamela and tries to tell her that Mad Max was "sooo cool." No! Wrong! Mad Max was boring shit with a sort of interesting idea that led to two of the greatest movie sequels to ever be made! But Mad Max was a boring piece of shit! If you're currently arguing with me, then you're probably only remembering the five or six minutes of Mad Max that weren't a total snorefest!

Even for its time it wasn't amazing! But she did say "in the first film," so I'm going to assume that she's just mentioning the first movie to set up her description of the beauty that was The Road Warrior and the orgy of action sadness and Tina Turner's chainmail tits that was Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome!

More important than telling everybody that they're wrong in their opinions if they thought Mad Max was a decent film is this conundrum: How the fuck did Harley and Pamela get tickets to see a screening of the new Road Warrior movie!? Do movies come out sooner in the DC Universe? Because this is the first time that I've ever wanted to truly be a comic book character! Let me see the movie now!

Harley and Pamela walk out of the movies because Harley needs to take a breath after not beating somebody's ass because they told her to shut the fuck up. Good for Harley! Fucking loud ass movie assholes. I mean she was being one of those so it would have been wrong for her to pretend that the people asking her to be quiet were being the dicks. They decide to duck into the DC version of Fifty Shades of Grey.

I'm pretty sure it's coming from the lap of the blond lady on the end of the aisle.

I don't get why anybody chose to go see Fifty Shades of Grey. Wasn't the allure of the novel that it had graphic sex scenes? So shouldn't the movie have been pornographic? Not the typical porn that the porn industry produces, of course. That's all built on the male gaze. This movie should have been a porn for females. Not a titillating Rated-R movie about two people who fuck and stuff. Not erotica. Just plain old porn! Was the movie porn? I have no idea!

Actually, since I know pretty much nothing about the book or the movie, I'll just shut up about it and move on.

Everybody clears the theater when one of the women's vibrators explodes, so Harley and Pam head off to get something to eat.

I hope it's a gang like the Warriors! Then they can all wear clown paint and drive around in a tiny clown car and have weapons like a bucket full of confetti and razorblades or cream pies full of nitroglycerin or seltzer bottles that shoot bullets!

Harley explains how she's going to buy another building nearby her current building. It will be the headquarters for her gang of Harley riding sexpots! And the name of the building (which was an old hotel) is The Dreamin' Seaman because Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti have the sense of humor of four eighth grade boys.

Pamela goes back to Gotham because she has to file a long overdue rape report on Clayface but she promises to come back in a week to see how badly Harley has fucked everything up and to hear Harley make a joke about washing her beaver.

And then it's time for Harley to interview her prospective assistants! I bet she hires all the women that were spotlighted last issue! And maybe a few more!

A bunch of candidates answer questions in totally hilarious ways for a few pages. One is like "I'm blind and in a wheelchair and I can smell your beaver!" And another one is all "I hate ghosts!" And another one is five girls. And another one is all "I'm a gay man and not a woman!" And another one is "I'm the super cute girl with the chopsticks in the hair from last issue so you know you're going to hire me!" And one is all "I'm the super cute Indian girl from last issue so I'll be hired too!" And one of them is all "I'm the big strappin' black lady who loves to flip people off and look super cute so I'll be hired too!" And one of them is all "I hate clowns and kill babies!" And one of them is all "I'm stuck up!" And one of them is all "ROCK AND ROLL, BITCHES!" And one of them is all "Kids are sucking my tits during the interview. Ha!" And one of them is all "I'm Syborg's niece! Tee hee!" And one of them is all "I'm pregnant Gail Simone!" And one of them is all "I can lick my own asshole!" And one of them is all "I do podcasts where I podcast and I have like so many downloads and likes and reblogs and shizzlenit!" And the last one is all "I have sores all over my body and am obsessed with death!" Woo-ee! It's gonna be tough to pick just twelve of these ladies!

And that's why Harley is going to turn off the lights and make them fight to the death for the job! Or near-death, more probably.

There's the beaver joke! Pam is going to be sorry she missed it.

When the lights go out, the Letterer John J. Hill makes an appearance to whine about how hard his job is. I might be sympathetic to his plight but on the page where the lights go out and he letters all of the Batman Fight Sound Effects for the unseen battle, he adds "FONDLE!" That's just going too far. I'll accept chaos and violence and endless murder and mayhem! But to suggest that one of these women took advantage of one of the other women when the lights were out?! That's just too much. Offense taken, sir. OFFENSE. TAKEN.

I wonder who fondled who's what? Tee hee! Maybe the blind girl accidentally groped a gay guy's nutsack.

When Harley turns the lights back on, every woman still standing gets a job! Even the gay guy!

The blind woman wasn't "still standing" at the end of the fight because she's sitting in her wheelchair but Harley hires her anyway or else she's going to face a lawsuit. And I bet Matt Murdock represents this woman. Not because she's blind and he's blind! Because he's the best Goddamned lawyer in New York! After She-hulk! Also I don't think he practices law in New York anymore. So she's probably represented by She-hulk.

Are any of DC's characters lawyers? I can't think of any! That makes me a bad comic book fan!

And here they are! Your 2015 New York Harleys!

Harley Quinn #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art is always terrific and the whimsy is always whimsical. If I were smarter, I would wax philosophical about Harley's life in this closing paragraph but I'm no good at philosophy and I used all of my sex wax on my board earlier this morning. I guess I could leave you with a Jerry Seinfeldian observation? What's the deal with French fries? They're neither French nor fried. Hmm, I think that joke needs a little more work. I hope I didn't offend anybody by it! But I've got to workshop my humor somewhere! Please be kind in your criticisms.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17

Um. Isn't this the rape scene?

So back in 1834 or whenever this movie came out, a graphic artist thought the most iconic image, the moment that could most sell this movie, is the moment Rhett Butler sweeps old Whats'ername up in his arms and hauls her up the stairs to fuck her. I suppose back when the film was made, this scene was showing a man finally taking control and putting his overly independent wife in her place. Rhett was all, "Look here! I'm tired of you talking down to me! Just because I'm good looking and have a terrifically fine mustache, that doesn't mean I'm stupid! You really should treat me better, you! Do you think you're ever going to find another man to love you? This is your last chance at true love! Sure, you're just about the most attractive woman that ever lived and holy shit those eyes and you're fiercely independent and stubborn in a life-affirming way and you've got wealth beyond imagining (at least for now), and any man would think you're just about the greatest catch in the whole world! But I'm tired of not fucking you just because you don't want to fuck me! So we're going to do it and you're going to like it like a good woman of this day and age would! You'll be all, 'Oh, Rhett! I'm so innocent and virginal and I would never put your cock in my mouth!' But you're going to, missy! I'm not spending another night out in the slave barracks raping your slaves! We're married, dagnabbit, and we're going to do the sloppy sheet dance!" And Scarlet was all, "But I don't have any more sheets because I made them into underwear!"

When I first saw Gone With the Wind, I thought Scarlet O'Hara was just the greatest character of any film ever. I still might although it's been years since I've seen the film, so I don't really know how I'd feel about it now. She knew what she wanted and she made plans to get it. I just remember wishing she would have shot Rhett in the ass on his way out the door instead of acting like she finally wanted him. Fuck that prick! She should have been standing on his shallow grave when she made the Tara speech!

Now that I've lost a bunch of readers for flippantly talking about a possible rape scene and the violent history of rape and racism in the plantation lifestyle in a nearly hundred year old movie, let's talk about how Superman was busy being a mind controlled dickhead yet again! That's right! Superman, champion of truth, justice, and the way that might be American although the people that think they're being American probably wouldn't do a thing Superman's way anymore because they're all fucking selfish pieces of shit, has once again let himself fall victim to magic brainwashing. If he can't stop this from happening, he's too dangerous to be allowed on Earth. That's the bottom line. Until he can protect himself from being used for evil, he can't protect anybody. For the good of everybody, Superman, please leave Earth posthaste.

"Frankly my dear, NRAGHH!"

Diana beats the shit out of Clark because duh. She's trained in combat her whole life while Superman has never needed to know the amount of knowledge gained from the first ten minutes in a beginner's Karate class. When you're invulnerable and raised on a farm, why do you need to learn any combat techniques? Diana is invulnerable too but she was raised in a warrior's society. So she's got the moves to kick Superman's ass while he knows how to milk a cow.

Whoa now Nellie! Let's not go throwing the H-B-derogatory-slander-slur-humiliation-word around willy-nilly! Got a slight case of the self-hatesies, do yeh?

I really find it odd that Wonder Woman is using a term like half-breed here. Peter J. Tomasi is really kind of fucking this comic book up, isn't he?

Also, should I discuss Circe's comment about Diana's "clay-baked mother"? Oh wait! I just got it. I thought maybe Hippolyta was going to be the character formed out of clay. But Circe is making a comment about how Hippolyta was turned into clay! Ouch! Burn!

Last issue Circe said she was going to have Superman kill a bunch of humans for kicks. But she seems to have changed her mind. Now she just wants to taunt Diana while Magog goes on a rampage somewhere in America. Circe gives Diana a choice: enter the portal to stop Magog or try to break the spell on Superman before it becomes permanent. Wonder Woman enters the portal because Superman can take care of himself, even if magic or Kryptonite or The Batman is involved.

Let me guess: this is where Ed Benes took over the penciling job?

Magog notices that Diana's lasso is missing when he threatens to string her up with it. That's because she left it somewhere else! Um...oh! She probably gave it to Superman to help him know the truth of who he is so that he can break Circe's spell! She's so smart and sneaky and sexually competent.

Superman breaks the spell but is unable to stop Circe because she still knows enough magic to teleport him away from her. Then she uses the H-B-serious-negative-connotations-and-historically-used-to-denigrate-and-try-to-shame-a-whole-race-of-people-word against Wonder Woman. See? That's why I mentioned Wonder Woman must be self-hating. Also, the word works in Circe's mouth because it's hateful. I don't think Wonder Woman would ever let that word pass over her tongue. And through those full, gorgeous lips. And maybe dribble out and down her chin to drip across her bare, heaving bosom. And then it would slide slowly between her...uh...where am I? I sort of got lost in a daydream there.

Superman winds up where Wonder Woman is and they break Magog's neck together.

Seriously. He may be near invulnerable but both of these heroes punching him in the chin at the same time? I don't buy it. How hard do they each know to punch so that he's knocked out but not killed when they don't know how hard the other one is punching? I suppose I'm expected to believe that Magog can only be knocked out by the combined, full strength of these two? That's one tough goatboy. That means Magog is stronger than Doomsday, right?

After Diana cleans up and Clark takes Magog (back in little boy form) to ARGUS to lock him up for life because fuck the law, Diana decides to write a series of Young Adult novels about the people that are attacked by super villains. She really plays up how the super villains are to blame so nobody ever again thinks the super heroes are to blame. And then she shows how the super heroes save every life they can because they're super awesome. Then there's a chapter where some young girl that won the Nobel Prize for poetry and is dying of cancer gets her first kiss from a teenage astronaut that solved every unsolvable math problem by the time he was eight and has one magic testicle. She's probably going to spin them off in their own series later!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't know. I make some pretty horrible jokes and never take anything seriously, so I probably shouldn't give a shit that Wonder Woman called the Animen "half-breeds." But nobody expects decency out of me! We all expect Diana to be the most decent and kind and loving person on the planet! So, man, that just really struck a chord. A bad chord! One of those chords you hear that makes your spine tingle and you grit your teeth and your spleen explodes. Truly awful and so unlike Peter's other New 52 work. Hey Pete? What the fuck is going on, dude? You need a cup of coffee or something? Maybe a nap? Go take a weekend off to recharge because you're not killing this book at all. I mean in a good way! You're totally killing this book in a bad way!