Kamandi Challenge #3

I can't believe DC would allow a topless girl on the cover of a teen comic!

Some of you might have been confused by that caption but that's because you don't know that Kamandi is female. A lot of people might try to convince you otherwise but have they read the old Kamandi comic books? Probably not. They probably rely on Wikipedia for their inaccurate information.

On the plus side (not that having a naked woman on the cover is a negative side! But I'm trying to be more positive and saying things like "on the plus side" makes it seem like I'm optimistic), it looks like Kamandi will soon be in a lesbian relationship. Although is it really lesbianism if Kamandi's girlfriend is a sentient plant?

The cover says, "Can you solve it before they do?" I guess there's supposed to be a mystery of some kind being solved here? Maybe the question just refers to solving the cliffhanger at the end of each issue. On one hand, I can't solve it before they do because the solution has already been written before I even read it. On two hand, I'm pretty sure I can solve it before I read the issue which publishes the solution. It's just that my solution will never be the same as the published solution. That's because my solution often involves Kamandi sucking a humanoid scientist dog's dick. I'm quite certain that's a Teen Plus solution.

At the end of the last issue, Kamandi had thrown herself over a cliff to escape some Manhunters. That's the cliffhanger. It's practically a literal one! The solution to this one is so simple even Scott Lobdell could come up with it. Obviously as Kamandi falls, she grasps at a branch. But the branch breaks off in her grip and she stares at it in shocked surprise as she resigns herself to a swift death. But on the branch is a familiar ring with an L on it! Kamandi quickly slips it on her finger so that it will look like she was stylish and wealthy to whoever finds her body. She's as surprised as the reader is not that she can suddenly fly! And that's the perfect solution to the cliffhanger!

This issue is written by Jimmy Palmiotti and drawn by Amanda Conner. So it'll look good and probably have a bunch of sexual innuendo in it. The really clever kind like naming a cock Mike and having Harley stuff things in her beaver's hole.

Jimmy and Amanda opt to use the old "saved by humanoid bat people wearing helmets while being ordered around by Captain Turtle" shtick. Figures!

Kamandi must have a green vagina. That's a sexy gardening joke!

Kamandi finds herself in a community full of sentient humanoid animals. They grow plants to fuck and enslave bat people. They're also all constantly spied upon by sentient mosquitoes. Captain Turtle believes that Kamandi is a messenger from their gods. Basically she's the Jesus to her parents' God. I think the mystery I'm supposed to be solving has to do with Kamandi's parents. Who are they? What are they up to? Why did they not use birth control?

Kamandi discovers that she's supposed to eat Vila, her fuck plant. One of those things is disgusting. I'm not sure which.

Captain Turtle's ship becomes too limited for the story so the bat people attack and sink it. But Kamandi and Vila escape with the help of the two bat people enslaved by Captain Turtle and his animal crew. They fly to Sun Cult Island where the Jaguar people will be able to threaten their lives next. I hope they're not as dumb as the tiger people who thought a nuclear weapon was GREEEEAAAAAT!

The jaguar people capture Kamandi and her friends. They eat the bat people but tie up Kamandi and Vila to some stakes where they're to be sacrificed to the Jaguar God. He's about the size of King Kong and wears necklaces made from military planes, tanks, and missiles. How is anybody going to think up a way out of this one?! Impossible!

Oh, the next writer is James Tynion IV. He writes a lot of cliché comic book tropes so I totally know how he'll solve this next month. He'll allow Kamandi and Vila to be swallowed whole. Then Vila and Kamandi will have sex inside the Jaguar God's stomach. When Vila orgasms, she'll bloom and release so many spores that the Jaguar God's stomach will burst and Kamandi and Vila will be free! Easy peasy.

At the end of the book is an essay by Neal Adams describing how he would have written Kamandi's escape from falling off the cliff. Except he doesn't explain how he would have gotten out of it. He just talks about drawing stuff and Jack Kirby and Comic Con. I'm not sure Neal Adams truly understands assignments he's given at this point. He just rambles and digresses and loses his train of thought and DC Comics throws money at him. Remember that Superman mini-series he did, The Coming of the Supermen? That was a fucking train wreck. This essay he wrote is only slightly better. Neither of them have a point.

The Ranking!
No change! I think this series will just be writers sending Kamandi from one Jack Kirby apocalyptic world location to the next and then having some creatures attack her at the end. Then the next writer has to come up with a fairly boring and innocuous way of getting Kamandi out of trouble before sending her on to the next wacky location. I'm not sure the editors worked hard enough getting the writers to add bits of the lost parents plot to their stories. At least I think the Mystery of the Missing Parents is the main mystery of the book. Who can tell? Maybe the main mystery of the book is the main mystery of the book?

Harley's Little Black Book #4

So the new publishing schedule of this title is "Whenever the fuck we feel like it"?

The Things!
• Yay! Now Harley can say all of the disgusting things I've been thinking about the DC Bombshells! This way is much better. People will think it's cute and endearing and sexy when Harley says the exact same things that I want to say which would sound creepy, sexist, misogynistic, possibly racist, inhuman, psychopathic, and sexy!

See? I probably couldn't say hardly any of this!

• I mean, I could say anything I want! But as everybody loves to parrot, "Free speech doesn't free me from the consequences of my speech!" But apparently saying "Free speech doesn't free you from the consequences of your speech" frees you from the consequences of your speech which is most likely going to be the worst speech anybody's ever heard. But I guess that's the attraction of the Twitter mob. You're relatively safe from consequences if a thousand other people are also telling the person who said something you disagreed with to kill themselves.

• Apparently if you're a good person, you're allowed to say any horrible thing you want to a person you've decided is a bad person. I think maybe Jesus gave the go ahead on that one?

• The world isn't going to change because you find a flaw in everybody in the public eye. Although your world will, and it will be miserable. Except, I suppose, for those moments you're attacking somebody someone said was a dick for some reason and it gets your adrenaline spiking and your brain jizz flowing. Those are probably satisfying moments.

• I should probably get back to reading this comic book so I can point out how terrible the writers are. I need a moment of satisfaction in my miserable existence.

• Do editors nowadays demand that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story where, from that point on, it goes like normal until it arrives once again at the scene that began the comic book?

• Can editors nowadays stop demanding that comic books waste the first page or two on a future scene before rewinding the narrative back to the beginning of the story and just being the comic book from the beginning of the story?

• Harley Quinn time travels. That's how she winds up in World War II. If you thought maybe she wound up in World War II some other way, you're weird.

• Maybe you're not so weird though because is it really time travel if Harley Quinn winds up in a version of World War II where people she knows are fighting the war? I guess it's more accurate to say she alternate universe travels. Right, weirdo?

• Harley spends a good amount of her time in the past noticing people say and do offensive things. Too bad there's no Twitter so she can ruin their lives.

• It's strange how we all have these many unbearable sadnesses existing within us and yet we still manage to act like we aren't completely and utterly broken.

• The Nazis plot their insanely evil plots that are so insane that they will ensure people will think of them as clowns for decades after and where their uniforms in mock hilarity. What? My new editor is saying you can't wear Nazi uniforms to parties anymore. She also says I probably shouldn't wear them while writing as well.

• I hate to be that nerd but seeing as how we're all so into STEM and shit...Actually, hot air rises. Which, I mean, is practically the same thing given the environment we live in. But what if you found yourself living in a vacuum with another person and a bunk bed and the heater was on the floor and you were all, "Oh! Oh! I'll take top bunk! Ha ha ha!" Then you'd freeze to death! I think. I mean, I don't actually know. I'm probably not the person to be "Actually"ing any STEM subject. Unless the "M" stands for "Masturbation".

• Harley Quinn is hit by the car that past Harley Quinn is in just after the above panel. So now they'll probably kiss.

• Harley Quinn winds up unconscious for awhile so another artist can fill in the extra pages on this $4.99 monster with a hallucination.

• In Harley's hallucination, she battles Hitler Joker Dracula. I hope DC puts out a figure for him! Speaking of figures, here's my Amazon Wish List for anybody who wants to throw some money away!

• Harley Quinn wakes up and decides she understands the physics of comic books. I suppose if anybody does, it's her. So when she realizes she changed the past and created a parallel universe, she decides she can do anything she wants in the past. Like maybe kiss herself in a secret place, right?

• When I typed "secret place," I meant Hitler's underground bunker!

• In this parallel universe, Germans don't speak German with other Germans. But they do speak in bad Hogan's Heroes accents!

• Hitler will be at the thing the Bombshells are planning to thing, so now the thing is another thing. Harley Quinn had better get there fast so she can do something hilarious to Hitler and say, "Ain't I a stinker?"

• Hitler never makes it to the thing because his car picks up Harley hitchhiking up the mountain. She then spends a few pages treating Hitler the way a good portion of the world would treat him. Did I say "a good portion of the world"? I meant "the good portion of the world." The dickholes would probably jizz in their pants.

• Harley steers Hitler's car into a snow drift and then fills the car full of bullets. Hitler escapes with his life. Oh man. I bet he's going to be so pissed after this that he'll...well, I don't know how he could be any worse.

• After the big Nazi versus Bombshells battle, Harley winds up in Adolf's bunker to abuse him some more. He kills himself for some reason. I thought he loved being berated and beaten by women? Maybe he just got so wound up thinking about her shitting on him that his pistol accidentally went off.

• Harley returns to the present where the issue ends without one mention of her beaver, cock, or wiener dog.

Harley's Little Black Book #1

Am I allowed to open this without ruining my comic book collector cred?

That question was completely facetious because I already know the answer. Of course I'm going to open it! When I got the Death of Superman, I tore right into that sucker! And of course it's going to ruin my cred! When I tore into the Death of Superman, people fainted around me and I was almost banned from my comic book store!

Some of the previous story may have been an exaggeration of the truth. I wasn't even reading any Superman titles at the time when the Death of Superman was published. But my local comic book store held a copy for me anyway. That's how awesome I am! It's also the reason why, no matter how introverted and shy you are, it's smart to get in good with the clerks at your comic book store. That was back in Santa Clara, California, at Brian's Books (their second location! I'd been going there since before they moved!). The clerk's name was the same as mine (Jeff. Not Tess. I only constantly refer to myself as "Tess" because I figure, by the name of my site, people will understand that I'm talking about myself. If I suddenly mentioned the mysterious "Jeff", it might confuse some readers) and I think he might have had a crush on me. I'm also certain that years later, long after I stopped going to Brian's Books because I moved, he became a huge Mythbusters' fan. That's just speculation on my part. But he seemed like that kind of guy. We also talked Magic the Gathering a lot, so that might be why he wanted to see me naked so much.

Okay! I'm about to tear open my Black Bagged Harley book! I hope I get something exciting in it! What are the possibilities? A sketched cover, an inked cover, and a color cover?! Which one is the best? Probably the cover color, right? Is that the Rare one? Because I really only want the rare one. They obviously have different rarities, right? Everything inside sealed bags has rarities!

Oh. I got the color one. That must mean the other ones are rarer! I would have been disappointed with whatever one I got. Probably.

Do we really need a new Harley Quinn comic book? I'm fairly certain I'm up to my synapses in enough Harley Quinn. Hopefully this series will explain how she's in so many places at once: prison, California, Brooklyn, space. It's probably because she's a clone. I mean clown. No, wait. I was right the first time.

Harley Quinn has just defeated some thugs (comic book thugs and not the thugs that the Fox News guys want you to picture when you think of the word thugs. You know? Like the people Heroclix chose to use for their Thug Heroclix figure? Hmm. What is wrong with you, Heroclix?) and found evidence that Wonder Woman might be in trouble in London. That means Harley Quinn needs to team up with Wonder Woman! I already knew that because Wonder Woman is on the cover about eighteen times. I'm a pretty thorough reader.

Harley Quinn is super excited to team up with Wonder Woman because she has a shrine devoted to her.

I have a closet like this but it's for Aubrey Plaza.

This comic book is really thick and I don't want to wind up writing six pages of commentary on it, so I'm going to have to keep my thoughts brief. Although that's really nothing. I'm only forty-six pages into Genesis and I've managed to write 288 pages of commentary on that alone! If I ever fucking finish my commentary on the last eighteen pages of Genesis, I'll finally get around to publishing Lyle’s Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs by Grunion Guy! And then it'll be on to Exodus where I think a baby topples a civilization or something. It might sound ridiculous but remember that he gets help from frogs and insects.

Harley usually goes into hallucinations to pad the pages on her special comic books but this time she just has a flashback to when she was a little kid and was beaten on by bullies. Boy, those bullies sure are cool! I wish this comic book was about them! They're all like, "We don't give no fucks! We'll kick little girls in the stomach no problem! We probably do other cool things too like smoke cigarettes and talk back to our single parents working two jobs and probably even play doctor with stray cats." Being a bully is awesome!

Harley is forced to do the bullies' homework which is another cool reason to be a bully! You never have to do any homework! It is kind of weird that the star of the comic book is being kicked around by cool characters. It would almost seem like the bullies are actually the...oh. Um. What I meant to say is bullying is awful and nobody should ever do bullying of any kind and I hope Harley Quinn defeats them!

Whoa. That was close. I wish I understood social dynamics better! I almost rooted for the bad guys! Except isn't Harley Quinn also a bad guy? Fuck. I'm so confused!

Violent retaliation against bullies is not the fault of the victim; it's the fault of society and the grown-ups who continue to believe in a kids will be kids attitude.

When I was in fifth grade, I was in a bowling league. I was also extremely...unsociable? Maybe more a-sociable? I've never cared about any kind of diagnosis for how I've never quite fit in and I never really thought much about it until Ray Romano's character appeared on Parenthood. When people claim nobody in television or books or movies seems to represent them, realize that I'm a white male who never thought of any "white males" as being representative of who I was. Not until Parenthood and then not even until he begins to realize that maybe he's on the spectrum. But my life has paralleled that characters in ways all the way up to and including having my own business in which I only interact with people when I absolutely have to. I'm just trying to paint the picture that I didn't really fit in in many odd and quirky ways and sometimes people smelled that and didn't like it.

So this bully at the bowling alley told me one Friday night at league that if I showed up the next week, he was going to kick my ass. I don't remember why. I don't know what I did. It boggles me to this day. It's quite possible I said something awful about him out loud when I thought I was thinking it because he was a huge dick to everybody. But the next week, I didn't know what else to do except to bring a knife to protect myself. If he had bothered me, I would have stabbed him. That's it. That's all there was. Try to fuck with me and I will end it. But I brought the knife to school that day, some kid ratted on me, and I wound up crying in the Principal's Office. The principal could not have been cooler or more understanding, trying to find the root of what was going on and why I had the knife and what he could do to help. He even called my cousin, who was a year younger than me, in to ask him questions. But I wouldn't say anything. In the end, he took the knife away and had my grandmother pick me up. She, as always, was sweet and kind and understanding. But I was also stubborn and unable to truly articulate my frustrations with how the world works. And I also didn't want to miss bowling. So I went. Without my knife. And Brian (the stereotypical red-headed bully asshole with the short sidekick named Maurice) picked a fight with me. I flew into my usual tantrum when at my wits end and just flailed my arms like crazy while crying and screaming. I think I scared the shit out of him because he just kind of backed off and left me alone. I'm pretty sure he got in trouble and was kicked off the league after other people came forth to relate how horrible he was to everybody. But if I had had that knife, I have no doubt I would have pulled it out and one of us would have been wounded by it.

Bullied kids will find their power wherever they can. And bullied kids that already don't fucking understand how and why everything around them works the way it does? They're just powder kegs waiting for society to fail them. Because everybody thinks everybody else should just buck up and fit in. But some of us truly don't fucking know how.

So no matter how terrible Columbine was, there was always a piece of me that couldn't help but empathize with the monsters who perpetrated it. I know violence is no answer to violence. But you back people up to the wall long enough--and I'm not saying the Columbine kids were that. I'm saying they could have been and I would have understood it--and they'll find their power any way they know how. You treat people like shit long enough and they'll forget they're human. And then they won't care that you're human. And then you'll have the monsters you expect them all to be. You'll reap what you sow.

I'm not saying murderous action should be taken against our white cis-het male overlords! What I'm saying is that the white cis-het male overlords should realize that they wouldn't have to fear everybody else becoming murderous monsters if they just fucking stopped treating them like they already were!

Hmm. I feel like I went too deeply into the defense of mass shootings! I totally don't mean it that way at all! I'm a fucking conscientious object-or (thanks, e.e. cummings!) and a pacifist and mostly a huge pussy to boot! Also I'm fucking terrified of having conversations on the phone so I can't even organize a protest of anything! All I can do is write shit on the internet and cry about my cat who died a year ago. Actually I don't cry that often about Judas anymore although if I think too deeply about my last moments with him, it's all fucking over. Like now! Stupid brain! Stop sandbagging me!

Oh shit. Speaking of Judas! The universe is an awesome place sometimes and we owe it all to coincidence. Not everything has meaning outside of what you bring to it or is a sign teaching you how to save your son from aliens invading your farm.

Here's one easy way that I know I will not like a person! If they use the phrase "It is what it is" or "Everything happens for a reason." And if they say them both, I have to murder them. No, seriously. I know I mentioned I was a pacifist not two paragraphs ago but sometimes you have to forgo your ethics and just save the world from serious douchebaggery.

Anyway, enough about not Harley Quinn! Didn't I say something about keeping this shit short?! Fuck. Maybe that Brian asshole was right. Even I'm starting to hate myself.

Harley Quinn is stowing away with the chemical goodies so that she'll arrive in London to warn Wonder Woman about Barmy Bugger's plot to kill her. And while Harley's visiting, maybe she'll get to meet the London Legion, London's premier super hero group!

These guys totally won't get in the way at all and won't almost get Wonder Woman and Harley killed!

The London Legion never get a chance to work with Harley or to screw up her plans because they're knocked unconscious by some of Barmy Bugger's special knock-out gas. You know the kind? It knocks people out in gas form. They're taken hostage and Harley stows away in the van back to Barmy's hideout.

I'm at the halfway point in this comic book and Harley and Wonder Woman haven't even engaged in any finger banging. That's British for shaking hands, right?

Eventually Harley winds up with the knock out gas meant for Wonder Woman and heads on over to give Wonder Woman a dose because Harley comes up with strange plans that almost certainly don't involve removing Wonder Woman's underwear once she's unconscious. That would be unconscionable! Although a little bit sexy because it's fictional, right? That makes it okay? Maybe?

See! I knew it was okay! And it is a little bit sexy! It's like my pants suddenly don't fit right!

Harley Quinn puts on Wonder Woman's costume and throws on a wig so she can pretend to be Wonder Woman and capture Barmy Bugger!

She looks exactly like her!

Okay, I admit it. That's not really Harley Quinn as Wonder Woman. If you squint just right, you'll see it's my friend Doom Bunny who none of you know.

Barmy Bugger ambushes Wonder Woman's apartment and while Harley tries to battle his minions, Wonder Woman wakes up naked in the tub. I hope all of her towels are dirty! Her hair isn't long enough to hide her ass so I hope there's a panel where our perspective is from behind her! And maybe her legs are slightly parted. And maybe she's bending over! And maybe I should have been editor on this comic book!

Wonder Woman decides not to show me any of her mystical goodies. She'd rather risk whatever weird viruses and microbes Harley Quinn has in her underwear and wear Harley's costume to stay modest.

This comic is really getting good!

After a few more pages of what I think was the conclusion to the Barmy Bugger caper but might just have been a bunch of pages I masturbated to, Harley informs Wonder Woman that the London Legion have been taken captive and need to be rescued! So they totally didn't get in the way at all! They were completely useless throughout the entire fight! I wonder what they talked about while waiting to be rescued? No wait! I don't wonder that! I don't need to know that! It would be just like DC to believe that comic book fans were clamoring for a six issue mini-series about their time manacled to the wall of a dungeon.

The London Legion is rescued and everybody goes out to celebrate at the pub! I bet they have a few pints and skitter some chipwhiskers until they're conklin' on the shrub-tumpers!

At the pub, Harley eagerly ties herself up with Wonder Woman's lasso and asks everybody to ask her any question at all! Any question?! Oh boy! Or not oh boy since the scene cuts away before she can answer any kinky questions. But at least when they're done drinking and they're all on the way out of the pub, Harley gets a little tiny bit of Wonder Woman action.

Oi that hand!

Harley's Little Black Book #1 Rating: I enjoyed this comic book but I have some serious misgivings about it. It costs five dollars and also costs five dollars. At first I thought it was going to come out twice a month because DC loves inundating fans with tons and tons of Harley Quinn. But I can't see how a book this size and with a character already headlining her own title can feasibly be published that often. It would really help if the term "bimonthly" wasn't so fucking ambiguous! Can somebody get to work on fixing that bullshit? Also, about that clone thing! This series (along with Harley's regular title) obviously take place sometime after Harley finishes her contract with the Suicide Squad and is released from Belle Reve. That's why none of the superheroes she encounters try to arrest her for being a huge criminal. She's already served her time and as long as none of them look too closely at her cartoon violence that occasionally ends with corpses being thrown into shallow graves by Harley's employees, she's free to commit all of the chaos. So I think it works that Harley is currently in the Suicide Squad setting up these stories which take place at some future date. But don't get too wrapped up in what happens when. These are comic books and being too much of a stickler for continuity will only drive you mad.

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It'll be mostly weeklies, first issues, and special issues that have just come out. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: "Funniest stuff on comics right now." I think she meant "right now" as in over the last few years and continuing on into the future as opposed to just this second and now they're not funny anymore because something funnier came along. If you'd like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you're a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It's totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5

Time for another sexy chapter!

Once upon a time, a full month passed since the last chapter of this sexy story. Back then, it was a time of not knowing where the story was headed or how the penultimate chapter might end! "Penultimate" is a word that everybody knows because it is one of those long words that sound important and are easy to remember the definition of. I also like it because this is a sexy story and it has "pen" in it and you know what other word has "pen" in it, right? Wink, wink!

But now a month has passed! Vartox is not longer a Puritron so you can bet there will be plenty of sexy scenes today! I hope you already have you pants around your ankles and are sitting on a plastic sheet! Or at least, if you're male, have the plastic sheet a number of inches in front of you depending on the last time you had an orgasm. Keep it close if you have had one recently! But if you are all backed up because nobody will have sex with you and maybe your mother has been keeping a close eye on you and the amount of time you spend in the shower, you'd better put that plastic sheet like a foot or two away because you are going to go off like a messy bottle rocket!

But before everybody does it to everybody else (and you do it to yourself), they're probably going to have to battle some cockblocker named The Harvester of Sorrow. He's a great big handsome head with a beard made of sewer pipes because things are going to get super filthy in and around his face. If you're an adult, you totally know what I'm talking about. If you are a child, you should be thinking about cupcakes. Also maybe you shouldn't be reading this. Instead you should go tell your parents that they are not good at their job.

Mister Sorrow spreads madness all across the universe destroying star systems. If you want to know more about him, you should listen to Metallica's "Harvester of Sorrow." That should explain everything. I suppose I could explain it here but I don't want to repeat any of Metallica's lyrics because Lars Ulrich will sue me. So don't worry, Lars! This is a sex story and bringing up something like infanticide would just kill all of the boners.

The Harvester of Sorrow attacks but nobody's clothes fall off in the way that horny teenagers love clothes to fall off. Horny adults also like for that to happen. Sometimes adults and teenagers who aren't horny don't know that they want clothes to fall off until the clothes fall off and then the horniness sets in. Some good advice when you want to do it with somebody is to just get naked in a room full of people and ask if anybody is horny. Some gross people will say that they are horny but then you should just put your clothes back on and say you are no longer horny instead of saying that they are gross because that's mean. Even gross people don't want to be rejected harshly. Believe me, I know that because a gross friend of mine told me how my feelings were hurt every time somebody told me they didn't want to do it with me because I was gross.

This story is getting less and less sexy every page!

Inside the Cockblocker's head, Harley discovers some berry stickers with bubble gum guns. Those sound like the kinds of things that children would be into! I guess adults that want to appear youthful and whimsical and carefree would also be into bubble gum guns and berry sticker security guards. But us adults who like to do it do not have time for kiddie things! Although I would love to earn a Scratch-n-Sniff banana sticker for being good at doing it to a lady!

Oh wait! I found a sexy part!

And that's about it for the sexy part so you might want to finish while looking at Harley kissing Ivy. I'll wait.

Okay, so the men are back now! You guys missed the part where the giant head caught a Joker virus from Harley and then exploded. I suppose there was another slightly sexy part when you could see Harley's Butt Window but it was really small and not worth mentioning in the story. Also I forgot I was writing a sexy story because this comic book wasn't sexy at all. That feels like a bait and switch because all of the other issues were very sexy and this one was just weird. I didn't even mention the people with billiard balls for heads!

Anyway, the planet was saved and everybody decided it was time to sit in hot tub full of orifice massaging tentacles. But before that happens, Vartox decides to propose to Power Girl because he really wants to put his penis into her vagina on a regular basis. The ring is his way of claiming Power Girl as his own so that other men will go, "I really want to put my penis in that lady's vagina but I can see by the ring on the appropriate finger that she has been claimed by somebody already. So instead I will just get a good look at her and masturbate later while thinking about how she might put her mouth on specific parts of my body that normally people don't put their mouths on." But the story ends before Power Girl can say yes or no because that is called the cliffhanger and it is meant to get the reader frothing at the mouth about what will happen next. Here is a clue: Power Girl marries him for the ring to get home! Remember how that clue was given to readers in Harley Quinn #12? In that issue, I predicted this adventure would go something like this:

[T]hen they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

I think that was a pretty accurate prediction!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5 Rating: No change. This issue did not have enough sex or near sex or hinted at sex or off-color sex jokes or mentions of Harley's beaver or innuendos about sex or anything sexy at all. My pants are full of disappointment.

Harley Quinn #21

This was my favorite scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

This issue begins with Harley Quinn tackling Deadshot into bed. Then after they tussle in the bed for awhile, they head over to the shower together. It all takes place in a cheap motel with a lot of smashed walls, smashed glass, smashed furniture, and smashed everything. Harley Quinn probably feels like she's about to get fucked by The Joker.

Look, comic book. All I really want to know is if Harley and Deadshot are going to have sex again. Maybe I should just write that scene myself and forget about it happening in the comic book.

Harley: "Come on, Floyd! Give it to me...you know what? I dried right up when I called you Floyd."
Floyd: "I should probably grab a condom, right? I don't want to stick my dick in there and wind up with a huge creepy grin on my face."
Harley: "Oh, I'm going to make you grin big time, Deady! Hmm. Deady is better than Floyd but it's still sponging up my love grease."
Floyd: "Are you even wearing shorts? Is that just grease paint?"
Harley: "Yeah! I'm always completely naked! Shove your gun in my holster!"
Floyd: "Boom! Boom! Oh yeah!"
Harley: "Deadshot, hunh? More like Wrong Hole Lawson."
Floyd: "No way! I like to start with the back end! Then I go in the front all dirty!"
Harley: "Whoa, whoa! You're not sticking that stinky ding dong in my sweet smelling semen receptacle!"
Floyd: "That's okay. I already came."
Harley: "Where's my mallet?"

That was super sexy! Now I don't even need to read this issue!

I can just look at this panel and imagine they just did it.

Or they just did it here and are about to do it again!

Deadshot could be talking about his penis!

Instead of having intimate relations with Deadshot, Harley just beats him up and knocks him through more walls. Are motels in Hollywood made out of sugar?

Hopefully Deadshot will return after Harley gets done with the part of the story I don't care about. She's trying to find some spoiled rich kid and take her back east. But to find her, she's got to put on her detective shoes.

Mystery solved!

Afterward, Harley Quinn gets an adult massage and earns her money for solving the Mystery of the Wayward Youth. But then she gives the money to some movie producer named Nick so that he isn't killed and also so he'll turn Harley into a cartoon. Later at the airport, Harley runs into her romantic interest! There's still a shot at a sex scene! Here it comes! Oh yeah! They're gonna do it in an airport restroom!

Nope. Harley just steals Floyd's money and ditches him. Not cool, Harley.

Harley Quinn #21 Rating: No change. Did you know that Harley Quinn is not really a clown? She may have a doctorate but it isn't from Clown College! She's a phoney baloney! Putting white grease paint all over your body does not make one a clown. She is an insult to clowning. Did you also know that most clowns don't kill? Okay, occasionally one will get into killing but it's not a usual part of a clown's repertoire. Did you know that clowns don't usually give grown men boners? It just seems like Harley Quinn is portraying clowns in a negative light. Shame on her.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4

I knew it too! Master Comic Book Reader!

This is part two of the sexy story I was writing last time which was wholly original and super sexy. It was full of man parts interacting with lady parts and lady parts interacting with shower nozzles and lady parts being looked at by man parts (the eye parts!) and man parts being hinted about because they're far too gross or sexy to mention completely or to show erect if you want your book to become a movie which can be shown in a theater whose floors are only sticky due to spilled pop. At the conclusion of the first sexy part, Power Girl had just been overcome by Vartox the Puritron's Semen Eye Beams. They were all "SPLOOSH!" and Power Girl's breasts were all "STICKY!" and all the readers were all satisfied. But now the readers have had time to get unsatisfied which is also called horny in less respectable places of soft repute. So I must satisfy them once more with my sexy writing style!

Before I continue with my story, let's play a game! Plumber or Power Girl?!

If you guessed "plumber," you probably forgot which comic book I was "reviewing".

Power Girl and Vartox the Puritron were locked in a vicious battle of punching each other in the faces. I will not describe the battle in detail because this is not a story about kinky behavior. I will not have people who get turned on by violence getting turned on by reading my sexy story for people who get turned on by not-so-subtle innuendo about man rods and pool parties in panties. If you're into violent boners, you should probably be reading Batman. I'm pretty sure he's beating the teeth out of somebody right now in his Annual. You should put your pants on and go to your local comic book store to pick it up. But wear a long coat because nobody wants to see your raging bat boner if you are a guy or your slowly spreading love stain if you are a woman who probably forgot to put on her underwear and is wearing white Capri pants.

Harley Quinn joined the battle riding on the back of her Joker colored Battle Cat which could speak. I don't remember where it came from. Maybe it's Groovicus Mellow's Space Dong? If so, it's bigger than I suspected! And I was suspecting a pretty big Space Dong based on Groovicus Mellow's look by which I mean skin color unless even stereotypes that I would like to be typed with are bad and then I meant because he just sounds like the type of guy who would own a big Space Dong. And also it's probably a rescue because that's the cool way to get a Space Dong. You don't want to support greedy Space Dong Mills. Although I don't actually think Harley is riding Groovicus's Space Dong into battle at all. Obviously this is Harley's Space Pussy.

Vartox the Puritron began to choke Harley Quinn to death because he was exhausted by her eyeballs trying to look up his loin cloth. But then Harley's Space Pussy began to purr and Vartox was all, "Why am I so calm and happy now?! Only true monsters do not love Space Pussy! You can tell the character of a person by their love of Space Pussy! When a person sees a Space Pussy and is all, 'Argh! Get that awful thing away from me! It is so selfish and doesn't approve of me at all and it has hurt me feelings! I wish it were a Space Dong because they will love anything! They will even love things that have just beaten them with a miniature Spaceball Bat!', you know that person is not a person to be liked at all and is probably a big jerko!" Also in the background which I should probably describe so I could fill a few hundred pages like that Tolkien guy, some mushrooms were growing and looking like stumpy penises which means normal sized.

Harley Quinn's Space Pussy convinced Vartrox to stop being a Puritron because it was so soothing to look at and to listen to as well if you're into that sort of thing. So Vartox was all, "Hey! I am myself again. Let us shagadelic, baby!" And then somebody probably said "That's what he said!" because Michael Scott was quoting Austin Powers but now everybody is just quoting Michael Scott. "That's what he said," everybody probably just said.

If anybody was wondering where Harley Quinn got her Space Pussy, I have decided, of my own free will and from my own imagination, to come up with Harley's Space Pussy's Origin Story.

And then the giant Space Pussy licked itself.

Vartox the No Longer Puritron grabbed up Power Girl in his arms and kissed her which gave him the feelings inside that one gets when one kisses a person whom a person wants to kiss. Good feelings, probably, since I see people kissing all over the place and it seems like they like it. Sometimes it seems like they really like it if they are wearing jogging pants or white Capri pants! Usually when I see people kissing at the mall, I think of saying something super witty like "Get a room!" but then forget to say it because some butt touching happens and then I just think "I hope they don't get a room at all and just do it right here in public!" It's about that time that I start to get really uncomfortable eating my hot dog on a stick.

Power Girl threw Vartox against a mountain because she still has Puritron feelings having been raised on Krypton where nobody ever put ding dongs in hoo-has because they had a really excellent Test Tube Baby program. Jor-el was the only Kryptonian that was curious about sticking his ding dong in a hoo-ha instead of in a test tube. And Lara was totally into giving it a go too because she was a total slut. I wish I would meet a total slut! Where does one go to meet one? The zoo? An arcade? The Hallmark Store?

Thanks to the magic of Harley Quinn's Space Pussy, Vartox was once again his normal self and the fighting stopped for all time. At least between the the heroes of the story! More fighting will take place later against Oreo the Buzzkill.

If Earth is where all of the sluts are, how come I can't find any?!

Oreo the Buzzkill attacked with his army of Sex Nuns. Not that they're nuns that like to have sex but they're nuns who think the number of sexual partners a person should have is none. It's a pun or something. Whatever it is, it isn't very erotic at all! I thought this story was supposed to be full of sentences that make your stomach feel like you have diarrhea but in a good way. I guess I'll have to pad it with some of those moments so everybody gets their money's worth (even if no money was spent to get this worth).

The explosion exploded Harley Quinn across the barren landscape that was not completely barren due to all of the penis-shaped mushrooms growing in the background. As Harley flew through the air, her thong underwear that she had put on backwards disappeared for mysterious reasons that probably won't be explained later since that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that her lady parts were now flapping and flopping all over the place. Unless lady parts do something else when exposed to the air. Perhaps expand and throb? If you've seen lady parts before in real life, just picture them doing whatever they were doing that time you saw them. Also if you are the type of lady who isn't turned on by lady parts, just wait until the next sentence! Harley thought she was dead for sure but she was caught in the arms of Vartox whose loin cloth had fallen to the side exposing his penis which looked like a mushroom. But it looked like a huge mushroom that had veins in it and was probably throbbing too. It was either circumcised or uncircumcised depending on which one you find more attractive although since it was erect, it probably didn't matter. It was the exact right size to not be intimidating at all and looked like the kind of thing you would want to put in your mouth, like a Popsicle or a retainer. It was super hot to look at especially since it was now so close to Harley's exposed lady parts which were probably dripping or erect or whatever they do when they're in proximity to a penis. The readers probably had to take a break now to go masturbate because this scene was so exciting.

But then Oreo the Buzzkill turned his gaze on the naked flesh of his enemies and was perturbed! Wait a second. Let me check the dictionary. Yes, yes. He was perturbed verily much!

So the whole world conquering thing was due to having a small penis? Now we all know what Mongul's Dong looks like! What's the smallest mushroom? That's what it looks like!

Power Girl defeats Oreo the Buzzkill while he's distracted by Vartox's Massive Space Dong (not the pet kind of Space Dong this time but actually his penis). But that's not the end of the story! The end of the story will only take place after Power Girl and Harley Quinn defeat Oreo's boss: The Harvester of Sorrow! I bet he was cheated of his youth. I bet somebody turned some lie to truth.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4 Rating: +2 Ranking or something, I guess. I mean, this comic book is fun and enjoyable but it shouldn't be read by anybody because it is full of sexy things which Americans are not allowed to read. They are sinful and inappropriately fun. As an American, I know I should not be reading this at all. It is my duty to be dour and to tsk tsk anybody that thinks about sex in any way other than for making a baby. When an American has sex, he or she should only be thinking about babies the entire time. Men's sex talk should be things like, "I am going to put my penis inside your vagina in the hopes that I can shoot enough sperm into you so that one of them will swim up your lady parts that I don't know the name of because I never had a proper sex education class and the sperm will fertilize your egg which will immediately become a living being loved by all strangers (at least until it is born and then forget about it)." Then the woman should say, "Oh yes, yes. Make a baby inside of me! But be careful that I do not orgasm because women should not be enjoying sex at all. That is the man's prerogative!" Then nine months later everybody can enjoy the baby until they are shot in a random act of violence that can not be stopped so why even try. America!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1

I hope this is more "time spent in motels" than "time spent on the road," if you get my horny meaning!

Amanda and Jimmy pump out so many of these Harley Quinn specials that I usually just treat them as a nice break from writing anything coherent. Shut up! I heard you scoffing your nerdy scoff and snidely saying, "As if anything you write is coherent!", followed by an ebullient snort of laughter!

I don't even know what words are anymore.

See, the thing it starts and then some stuff but then well here and what.

So the lollipop was all and the skirt hitched and the toes and calves were hey.

So then the plot and it's Tony and the sausage dog is back too. A road trip is planned just like the cover says! Oh, hey. I'm getting my words back! Whew. That was close.

Butts butt butt butt butts.

So Poison and Batman but then phone cats and brbble drzzl.

Flaked. Meaty Bits. Saucesations. Tasty Treasures. Rise and Shine. Savory Shreds.

Soon in Los Angeles more low cuts and high hems and towels and underpants.

Typing words here.

Mobile home or whatnot.

spork


guttural noise

Bikininininanas. Hallucinations. Oral sex.

spurt. nap.

What? Hunh? What's going on? Mmm, boobies.

Beaver jokes! The end!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1 Rating: I haven't scanned this much cheesecake since Superboy #3!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3

Looks like another episode of "This comic book is all about fucking but it's teen rated so we can make a shitload of money which means we had to leave the actual fucking out of it. Sorry!"

Harley Quinn removed the finger (or two?) a woman most commonly puts inside of her pee hole for pleasure and spoke into the ship's microphone which was super close to her mouth and reminded the reader that sometimes women put penises in their mouths. She sexily began to talk like Captain Kirk in those scenes where he would tell the viewers everything they needed to know before watching the rest of the show which would be about the officers risking their life by exploring a strange and dangerous planet when they should probably stay aboard the ship while only lower ranked crew members beamed down to the planet. That Enterprise ship was poorly managed!

"Starbanger twenty-three point five seven point more numbers: today we approach a planet that looks like a butthole. We plan on going in fast so that the Puritrons won't know what hit them. We are on a mission to rescue Sexman the Horny which will probably end in tons of finger tonguing and groin scuffling. We should probably only wear underwear on the mission even though this is just a word story and not a visual story and the horny people reading it will just have to imagine how just a tiny bit of my areola shows over my lacy bra (which is probably see through as well so you can see everything but seeing the bit that is uncovered is a super turn on still so we'll leave it like that). And they'll just have to imagine how my thong underwear was put on backwards because I was in such a hurry this morning so the thin part is hardly covering any of my lady parts at all! And my lady parts are all quivery and excited because I'm going to get to meet, and probably have marital infidelities with, Sexman the Horny!"

"What are you doing?" asked Power Girl as she slowly pulled on her crotchless granny panties. One of her massive boobs had fallen out of the hole in her outfit because that hole was an extremely bad idea with boobs that big. Her Kryptonian nipple was about seven inches long and totally weird but in a way that made people in the movie theater after this story has been adapted into a film scream, "I've got a very erect thingy now!"

Harley Quinn scoffed at Power Girl not sitting on her face. That scene would just have to wait for later unless that's not a sex move and just an accident that sometimes happens to two women who love each other very much or just met even. "I am smarter than you!" The words squelched out of Harley's perfect mouth and penetrated both of Power Girl's ears. Power Girl let out a sigh or a moan and Kryptonian love goop dripped out of the crotchless part of her underwear. "I love it when you talk to me!"

Groovicus Mellow and his probably Massive Space Dong (because he was an African American Spaceman and everybody knows how much they love to bring their pet Space Dongs with them) said, "Ladies! We have arrived at the city which looks like dozens of penises thrusting their engorged veinyness straight into space!"

We all do, Harley. All the time.

"Why are all of those buildings so erect?" Harley queried her lady parts which were smashed up against the window in a very flattering way. "I wish I had brought my beaver into space with me so I could make some very direct and unsubtle jokes about touching it!" Power Girl rolled her eyes and shoved her boobs back into her suit and waved her hands in the air and said, "I'm totally not into sex at all and this story is not making me feel sexy!" Groovicus Mellow winked at his Space Dong which drooled a little bit.

"Sexman the Horny once had to go fifty years without ever having sex," proclaimed Groovicus Mellow which made everybody smirk and titter because we all know how ridiculous it would be for somebody to have to go without sex for fifty years, right?! So crazy! I mean, we get that sometimes people go without sex for say...forty-three years, maybe. But fifty?! That's beyond comprehension! I hope!

Harley Quinn lifted her stinky finger into the air and said, "One time in high school when I was super horny but not allowed to act on it because the society I'm from frowns on women enjoying sex and also thinks that young women should deprive themselves of the pleasure of sex because they have these laws where young women can't have sex with guys if they're too old which means they have to have sex with guys their own age who don't know how to give good sex yet and are always disappointing in the sack for the ten seconds of wasted time you spend in the sack with them, I drew lots of erect thingies on my Pee-Chee folder during Algebra. Now whenever I think of the Quadratic Equation, my panties fill up with love minestrone." If a sexier soup is invented by the time this story becomes a movie, it should replace "minestrone" in the script. Also in the Indian translation of this story, that should probably read "my panties fill up with love vindaloo."

Harley's speech was interrupted by a fleet of fighters attacking their ship and the way too accurate uncircumcised penis shaped ship of the Extreme Girlfriends Fighting and "The Other F-Word" Force. The battle would surely be super exciting but in a different way from the kind of exciting this story is supposed to incite, so it should be over quickly. Boners mixed with aggression should probably be limited to just fifteen or twenty pages.

Harley Quinn abandoned the ship because she's practically a Green Lantern now that she found some Hard Light Gloves in a previous episode. "I want to have all the sex but I can't so I will destroy things," she screamed as she flew spread-eagled into battle. "I hope nobody gets a peak at my undercarriage as I fly about murdering Puritrons! And I probably should have put my underwear on correctly because it is really uncomfortable probably because it's smooshing my lady thing or riding up it or getting tangled up in it or something. It would be easier to describe if I knew what one looked like! I mean a thong and not a lady's thingy, of course, since I am a lady and I look at my thingy nearly every day," explained Harley in a way that made the readers nod appropriately and maybe put a hand down their pants.

Power Girl followed Harley Quinn into the battle because Power Girl knew she could enjoy beating people up and forget about all the fun, bawdy sex stuff that is subtly happening in the background which I'm mentioning just in case you didn't notice any of it. Go back and reread it with that in mind and you'll see how I've been inserting lots of sexy parts into the story! The battle was also joined by Cherub, Sexman the Horny's fling from college. Cherub is a male which shows just how much Sexman the Horny is into sex that he'll sex up men and women. He probably even sexily stroked Groovicus Mellow's Massive Dong once!

Is the portal line a sex joke or just an observation? Is everything in this book a sex joke? Am I a sex joke?

Cherub set his ship to self-pleasure and ejaculated out of it and into Power Girl's arms. His ship entered the massive portal and exploded. With the violent part of the story over, Harley Quinn and Power Girl and Cherub returned to their ship to shower together for five or six descriptive pages. But they're distracted by Groovicus Mellow who is partaking in a drug party with drugs so I won't have to do any research on the female anatomy for the shower scene. I'm not even sure how to write an all-female shower sex scene! Can I use words like throbbing and boner and penetration? Or do I have to stick to words like sensuous and open mouthed kissing and erotic friend touching? How do two women have sex with each other? Do they eat salad and talk about boys until they're tuckered out?

Mellow's drugs perforated the entire space ship so everybody got super high and turned into Moritat drawings which meant they were suddenly super cute and reminded me how much I miss Tallulah Black. Power Girl's hand turned into a zebra and said, "I am not Power Girl's hand anymore! I am Marty and I want to tell you where Power Girl has been putting me!" But then Power Girl strangled Marty into speechlessness because she's supposed to be grossed out by sex stuff and she didn't want her zebra telling Harley Quinn how much she actually enjoys finger tooting and shower nozzling. Harley Quinn was all, "Time to write a Hunter S. Thompson story!" And Power Girl sighed and said, "Ugh. I hope you actually know Hunter S. Thompson's voice and how to imitate it when you do the story and you're not just one of those people who once saw Fear and Loathing in New Mexico and decided you were a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan because he did drugs and stuff!" And Harley Quinn put a Quaalude in her butthole and said, "Relax, mon ameeba! I gat dis voice downed pat, true 'nuff!"

So this is where a scene happens that makes the audience go, "Oh yeah! That's totally Hunter S. Thompson but mixed with comic book references and I totally get it all because I'm super up on all that jazz!" Plus Spider Jerusalem makes an appearance but he's missing the tattoo of the spider on his head for some incomprehensible reason that is totally incomprehensible no matter how many people message me saying it isn't and explaining it to me.

Why did all of the drug stuff take precedence over Mr. Mxyzptlk oral sexing Harley?

The drug party eventually ended without anybody's nether regions having a fun time (except maybe Harley's which may or may not have orgasmed in the fifth dimension. I bet during oral sex Mr. Mxyzptlk would accidentally say Kltpzyxm! How come Superman never tricked him that way?) and the hog-loving heroes went back on the case which was a rescue mission, remember? They were trying to save Sexman the Horny so he could teach them all the proper way to scream, "HOLY CRAP I'M ENGAGING IN THE BEST SEX EVER AND PROBABLY ORGASMING ACROSS SEVERAL DIMENSIONS!" I'm going to scream that when I have sex. You know, the next time I have sex which will be really soon and, anyway, it wasn't that long ago when I last had sex either.

Groovicus Mellow was so high on the drugs that he wasn't able to react quickly enough to dodge an evil blast from the now evil Sexman the Horny! "Gasp!" says the audience as they realize Sexman the Horny has been turned to the dark side by Oreo the Deliciously Evil! "Now we must fight the person we came to save," screamed Power Girl! "Or we can just have sex with him because he's a bad guy now and bad guys totally know how to sex better than good guys. Let's not waste this opportunity! Right, my lady parts?"

"Goosh!" replied Harley Quinn's lady parts.

First Blumpkin joke ever in a mainstream superhero title?

Harley Quinn's lady parts were soon crying down her legs at the sight of such a manly example of a manly man. But Power Girl was disgusted due to her Kryptonian upbringing which made her brain say the exact opposite of what her vagina was feeling. "He is gross!" screamed Kara as her Vagina said, "GARGLE OOZE GRUMPHLE SQUIRT!"

Sexman the Horny attacked the lusty women by shooting Semen Beams out of his eyes. The curvy heroes hopped out of the way because they weren't ready to take care of baby heroes any time soon. They also may have been doing less dodging and more trying to find a better vantage point to sneak an upskirt peek of Sexman the Horny's missing unmentionables.

Definitely testicles and space dong. And to think, Simon Bizley couldn't even get away with sneaking a penis onto Lobo's arm!

"Please save my friend and probably next lover," begged Groovicus Mellow to Power Girl who was apparently the greatest love of Sexman the Horny but in another universe and time that this Power Girl didn't remember.

"I will not save him because he will probably try to put his tongue into one of my orifices that I usually pretend don't exist," Power Girl lectured. "Grumble mutter hazzafraggin sazz," sputtered Power Girl's butthole.

"Your butthole makes a pretty fair argument," replied Harley sniffing long and deeply.

"Okay, fine! I will speak with him and turn him back into the good Sexman the Horny. Or at least the version of him that is not trying to kill us but trying to have sex with us instead. I do not know why we would want that version though," responded Power Girl heroically as she flew off to save the day like her cousin always does, quickly and nonsexually.

Power Girl flies off and punches Sexman the Horny in the face. But Sexman the Horny does not lose so easily! Instead he says things like, "Your outfit does my penis a service!" and "Your feminist funbags pose a mighty argument which logic cannot counter!" and "Sex is for bad people because I am currently the opposite of Sexman the Horny due to being controlled by that Oreo guy, remember?" Power Girl's brain sort of agrees with that last point but she punches from her vagina and it completely disagrees with Sexman the Horny's philosophy of denying penises and vaginas pleasure. Thus it is understandable when I end my story by using the word "thus" and pointing out how Vartox blasted Power Girl with his Semen Vision while she was distracted by his barely covered jiggly bits. To be continued!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book is a filthy bit of pornographic swill which will completely offend any sensible comic book fan. But since no sensible comic book fans read my blog, none of you have to worry about being offended by it. It's deliciously bawdy with occasional bits of overly bawdy and too many bits of not bawdy enough. Also, Moritat draws three fucking pages of the most adorable Harley Quinn and Power Girl this side of my wet dreams. This is the issue where the book really finds a comfortable stride. The jokes come together with the story and it just really works. My main complaint is that the rating on the cover wasn't XXX so I still haven't gotten twenty two pages of Power Girl sitting on Harley's face while Poison Ivy orally pleasures her best friend with maybe Batman pounding Ivy in the ass. And not Bruce Wayne Batman! I want Jim while inside the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2

This cover is unrealistic. Harley's left hand should be cupping Power Girl's right boob.

When we last saw Power Girl and Harley Quinn, they were stranded on the planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They needed to find some perv named Lord Vartox so they could borrow his teleportation ring and get back to Earth. But there's an invading force of puritanical acne-faces who want to stop all of the guy boners and lady boners (I can't wait to find out what a lady boner is!) in the universe. Plus a lot of "-olees" were added to the ends of words.

After some bawdy humor, this "-olee" happens.

The Mechadentist is actually Killy-McHappybot 2.0. It's not as cute as Carl the End-of-Life Bear. Carl gives out drugs and brownies that probably have drugs in them and banana pudding that kills you. Killy-McHappybot 2.0 sews orifices shut. I know which robot I'd rather meet! Although I have a friend who hates bananas so much, she might actually choose to encounter the orifice sewing robot. At least then Carl couldn't shove any banana pudding into her.

While Power Girl battles lots and lots and lots and lots of Puritans on Speeder Bikes, Harley Quinn searches for a weapon to defeat Killy-McHappybot 2.0 before it sews her Holee holee up.

Harley forgot to add "-olee" to something!

Harley makes a hard light sledgehammer of the usual proportions so she can battle Killy-McHappybot 2.0 amid broken sex statues of asses, nipples, and hands with fingers in Standard Fingering Position #1.

Harley takes her hammer and refashions Killy-McHappybot 2.0 to look like her beaver.

On the surface of the planet, Power Girl has been knocked unconscious. But she's rescued by Fuck Me, Baby's protectors, the XXX-Men (who are mostly women although we all understand how "men" can often be used in a way which does not denote gender, right?).

The Triple-X Men are actually the XGF which is probably Ex-Girlfriend Force or just Ex-Girlfriends if you want it to be non-super-heroic sounding. That's probably why they're mostly female. Cherub must be from Lord Vartox's college years.

This is a glimpse into Midnighter's future if he keeps tagging everybody he bangs with communicators.

Harley rejoins the group and they all rush off to the moon of Lustox to rescue Vartox who has become a mindless sex slave of Oreth Odeon!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what you would expect it to be so it really doesn't need to be reviewed by anybody. Everybody will know whether they're going to like it or not as soon as they see it on the shelves. It's silly and bawdy and Harley is Harley and Power Girl could probably loosen up just a tad although I understand that she needs to be the adult in this relationship so I forgive her. I hope next issue somebody fucks somebody else! I'm all worked up from all the bawdiness! I think. When you're stomach growls, it means you're horny, right?

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?