Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17

Um. Isn't this the rape scene?

So back in 1834 or whenever this movie came out, a graphic artist thought the most iconic image, the moment that could most sell this movie, is the moment Rhett Butler sweeps old Whats'ername up in his arms and hauls her up the stairs to fuck her. I suppose back when the film was made, this scene was showing a man finally taking control and putting his overly independent wife in her place. Rhett was all, "Look here! I'm tired of you talking down to me! Just because I'm good looking and have a terrifically fine mustache, that doesn't mean I'm stupid! You really should treat me better, you! Do you think you're ever going to find another man to love you? This is your last chance at true love! Sure, you're just about the most attractive woman that ever lived and holy shit those eyes and you're fiercely independent and stubborn in a life-affirming way and you've got wealth beyond imagining (at least for now), and any man would think you're just about the greatest catch in the whole world! But I'm tired of not fucking you just because you don't want to fuck me! So we're going to do it and you're going to like it like a good woman of this day and age would! You'll be all, 'Oh, Rhett! I'm so innocent and virginal and I would never put your cock in my mouth!' But you're going to, missy! I'm not spending another night out in the slave barracks raping your slaves! We're married, dagnabbit, and we're going to do the sloppy sheet dance!" And Scarlet was all, "But I don't have any more sheets because I made them into underwear!"

When I first saw Gone With the Wind, I thought Scarlet O'Hara was just the greatest character of any film ever. I still might although it's been years since I've seen the film, so I don't really know how I'd feel about it now. She knew what she wanted and she made plans to get it. I just remember wishing she would have shot Rhett in the ass on his way out the door instead of acting like she finally wanted him. Fuck that prick! She should have been standing on his shallow grave when she made the Tara speech!

Now that I've lost a bunch of readers for flippantly talking about a possible rape scene and the violent history of rape and racism in the plantation lifestyle in a nearly hundred year old movie, let's talk about how Superman was busy being a mind controlled dickhead yet again! That's right! Superman, champion of truth, justice, and the way that might be American although the people that think they're being American probably wouldn't do a thing Superman's way anymore because they're all fucking selfish pieces of shit, has once again let himself fall victim to magic brainwashing. If he can't stop this from happening, he's too dangerous to be allowed on Earth. That's the bottom line. Until he can protect himself from being used for evil, he can't protect anybody. For the good of everybody, Superman, please leave Earth posthaste.

"Frankly my dear, NRAGHH!"

Diana beats the shit out of Clark because duh. She's trained in combat her whole life while Superman has never needed to know the amount of knowledge gained from the first ten minutes in a beginner's Karate class. When you're invulnerable and raised on a farm, why do you need to learn any combat techniques? Diana is invulnerable too but she was raised in a warrior's society. So she's got the moves to kick Superman's ass while he knows how to milk a cow.

Whoa now Nellie! Let's not go throwing the H-B-derogatory-slander-slur-humiliation-word around willy-nilly! Got a slight case of the self-hatesies, do yeh?

I really find it odd that Wonder Woman is using a term like half-breed here. Peter J. Tomasi is really kind of fucking this comic book up, isn't he?

Also, should I discuss Circe's comment about Diana's "clay-baked mother"? Oh wait! I just got it. I thought maybe Hippolyta was going to be the character formed out of clay. But Circe is making a comment about how Hippolyta was turned into clay! Ouch! Burn!

Last issue Circe said she was going to have Superman kill a bunch of humans for kicks. But she seems to have changed her mind. Now she just wants to taunt Diana while Magog goes on a rampage somewhere in America. Circe gives Diana a choice: enter the portal to stop Magog or try to break the spell on Superman before it becomes permanent. Wonder Woman enters the portal because Superman can take care of himself, even if magic or Kryptonite or The Batman is involved.

Let me guess: this is where Ed Benes took over the penciling job?

Magog notices that Diana's lasso is missing when he threatens to string her up with it. That's because she left it somewhere else! Um...oh! She probably gave it to Superman to help him know the truth of who he is so that he can break Circe's spell! She's so smart and sneaky and sexually competent.

Superman breaks the spell but is unable to stop Circe because she still knows enough magic to teleport him away from her. Then she uses the H-B-serious-negative-connotations-and-historically-used-to-denigrate-and-try-to-shame-a-whole-race-of-people-word against Wonder Woman. See? That's why I mentioned Wonder Woman must be self-hating. Also, the word works in Circe's mouth because it's hateful. I don't think Wonder Woman would ever let that word pass over her tongue. And through those full, gorgeous lips. And maybe dribble out and down her chin to drip across her bare, heaving bosom. And then it would slide slowly between her...uh...where am I? I sort of got lost in a daydream there.

Superman winds up where Wonder Woman is and they break Magog's neck together.

Seriously. He may be near invulnerable but both of these heroes punching him in the chin at the same time? I don't buy it. How hard do they each know to punch so that he's knocked out but not killed when they don't know how hard the other one is punching? I suppose I'm expected to believe that Magog can only be knocked out by the combined, full strength of these two? That's one tough goatboy. That means Magog is stronger than Doomsday, right?

After Diana cleans up and Clark takes Magog (back in little boy form) to ARGUS to lock him up for life because fuck the law, Diana decides to write a series of Young Adult novels about the people that are attacked by super villains. She really plays up how the super villains are to blame so nobody ever again thinks the super heroes are to blame. And then she shows how the super heroes save every life they can because they're super awesome. Then there's a chapter where some young girl that won the Nobel Prize for poetry and is dying of cancer gets her first kiss from a teenage astronaut that solved every unsolvable math problem by the time he was eight and has one magic testicle. She's probably going to spin them off in their own series later!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #17 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't know. I make some pretty horrible jokes and never take anything seriously, so I probably shouldn't give a shit that Wonder Woman called the Animen "half-breeds." But nobody expects decency out of me! We all expect Diana to be the most decent and kind and loving person on the planet! So, man, that just really struck a chord. A bad chord! One of those chords you hear that makes your spine tingle and you grit your teeth and your spleen explodes. Truly awful and so unlike Peter's other New 52 work. Hey Pete? What the fuck is going on, dude? You need a cup of coffee or something? Maybe a nap? Go take a weekend off to recharge because you're not killing this book at all. I mean in a good way! You're totally killing this book in a bad way!

Batman and Nightwing #23

Surprise! Damian was only kidding!

Before I knew there would be a Damian mini-series beginning in October, I called this issue being the last issue of guest stars before Damian came back. It just seemed obvious that the final team-up would be with Nightwing because that's going to be the most meaningful of the bunch. Bruce shedding some tears with his first ward. Although if Damian is really coming back for October, I am a little disappointed that there won't be a "Batman and Alfred" or a "Batman and Batcow" issue.

Okay, I've got a bunch of Kleenex, so I'm ready to read this thing. I'm hoping you took that as I'm going to masturbate because that's less embarrassing than the fact that I'm going to weep like a motherfucker while reading this shit. I just know it. Fuck you, Tomasi, for making me feel things!

This issue begins with Batman locked in the safe at the bottom of the pool atop Wayne Towers with Talia taunting him via radio. I don't know why it's beginning here or what's going on but being completely ignorant of something has never stopped me from speculating before! While it could be Batman just trying to relive the past in that way heroes do to torment themselves when they couldn't save somebody, I hope it's just Tomasi rewriting Batman Incorporated #9 now that Grant Morrison is gone! Because now Grant Morrison can't trap him in the stairwell and give him a super wedgie for fucking with his story! And Batman Incorporated really had a vague, strange place in The New 52 continuity anyway! Why not just rewrite this bit, right?! RIGHT?!

But it's probably just one of Bruce's Ecstasy-induced fantasies as Alfred gives him an all over body massage.

And then I turn the page and read the title and I get the stupid Goddamned tissues ready.

Is this a joke? Bruce still hasn't accepted the death of his parents!

Batman is running a simulation on his Internet 3.0 trying to replay the day Damian died so that Damian can live. Why? Who the fuck knows? If he saves him, does he plan on living the rest of his life online? Dick and Alfred watch him struggle with the 447th iteration of the simulation. It might be that time of year when Dick Grayson gets to call Bruce a selfish bastard and punch him in the teeth. Just call it a tradition.

Maybe Nightwing will reprogram the simulation as Batman is in it to show Batman that even if he made it in time, Robin would still have died. I think Tomasi stole this plot from Wargames! Nightwing just has to program Tic Tac Toe into Internet 3.0 now and Batman will have a WOPR of a revelation! That revelation is that nobody should ever try because life always ends in a Cat's Game.

I think Alfred is just against video games.

It seems the tiniest bit of an insult to Nightwing to believe that he, Batman, could have saved Damian while stuck in a safe at the bottom of a pool while Nightwing was right at Damian's side and couldn't save him. But Nightwing is one optimistic and upbeat bastard, so he'll show Bruce that Damian's death was inevitable. Once Alfred let Damian out that night, his fate was sealed. So Alfred should be running the simulation to see how he could have kept Damian from leaving!

But with Player Two's help, Batman manages to complete the level!

But what does this prove and how the fuck does it make Batman feel better? Oh yeah! Acceptance! Or something.

Of course they know that if they don't fight Batthing to the death, Robin could die. But what if they didn't know Robin dies? Wouldn't they be trying to just fight Batthing into submission? Or does a half-whale, half-human creature born in a test tube not qualify as "life" in Batman's eyes? If they're willing to battle Batthing to the death here, they're throwing away all of their Bat-morals! They should be running the simulation without killing. That's the only real way to win.

But of course the simulation was only ever to prove that Batman, at the time it actually happened, did the best he could for his son. He tried to keep him safe. And then when he couldn't lock him away, he tried to keep him alive.

Now that that's settled, they can go make Alfred happy by drinking his tea.

And later, after Batman and Nightwing are done with the video games, Alfred takes his turn and I use up all my fucking Kleenex.

I was just joking earlier! I don't want you to feel bad, Alfred! I'm sorry! It's not your fault!

Bruce catches Alfred running the simulation.

Fuck you, comic books! I don't care about any of these people at all!

Is that the right reaction to being emotionally invested enough in these characters that they make me cry? Yelling fuck you at an inanimate object? Why did my mom raise me on horror movies instead of hugs? I don't know what I'm feeling!

Batman and Nightwing #23 Rating: + Whatever Amount It Takes to Put It at #1. This is my favorite fucking New 52 comic book. Hands down. Tomasi has such a great handle on these characters. Just brilliant.