Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade

The Joker is a messy eater.

The Review!
In some ways, this story feels like it was written less by Brian Azzarello and more by Frank Miller. It just doesn't have the nuance of Azzarello in the dialogue. The writing feels a bit blunt and broad-minded. It's also possible that I was simply put off by John Romita Jr.'s art so I put on my grumpy pants and refused to thoroughly enjoy the story. The story itself is about how Batman is as much at fault for Jason Todd's death as The Joker is. I think. That might be the story and even though that wasn't the story in the regular DC Universe, it's the take that maybe the current Jason Todd needs to be true. Batman never said the things Jason needed to hear. Batman simply treated Jason as another Bat-Gadget. Batman was always telling Jason to not do things or to stop doing things a certain way. Batman never told Jason that he had the potential and gifts to someday (and a very soon some day too!) be a great Batman. Batman never fucking hugged the poor kid! And while maybe this is the story that makes more sense of Jason Todd's relationship with Batman, I'm not sure it's the story I want. I suppose Batman is distant and cold and closed off from emotion. He allows Alfred to take on that role for him. But do I want my Batman to be so justice-minded that he lacks the empathy to treat close friends and acquaintances in a kind and, if not loving, at least compassionate way? Does that dilute the power of The Batman? I would hope it would only strengthen him. But then this story isn't really about Jason, is it? It's more about Batman and his failings and learning from those failures. It's just too bad for Jason Todd that he had to be a plot device to help Batman grow!

The Commentary!
Everybody wants to write a Final Joker story. I don't know if this is one of those but it has the Joker on the cover and the word "last" so it probably is. I would make a great cop! I jumped to a conclusion and then found two clues to support that conclusion and that's all the evidence I need to arrest the bastard!

This issue is based on Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. I provided that information for people who forgot to read the cover. I wish I remember The Dark Knight Returns better since it a seminal fluid comic book that everybody else seems to lose their shit when they remember all of the apparently great details in it. I think in Miller's story, The Joker and Batman had sex on a carnival ride. This must be the aftermath of that encounter.

The story begins with The Joker being thrown back into Arkham. Well, that's that! He'll never get out of Arkham! Is this going to be one of those Batman stories where Batman goes into Arkham as a metaphor for delving deep into his subconscious until he comes face to face with The Joker and then realizes it's really a mirror? I suppose it could also be one of those other Arkham stories where The Joker escapes. Those are a lot more common. But judging by the cover, Batman and Robin will be coming to him. Maybe they need him to Hannibal Lecter something for them. I hope Carrie Kelley doesn't get hit in the face by The Mad Hatter's semen!

It turns out this story takes place much earlier than the events in the original Dark Knight series. Jason Todd is the current Robin so maybe this is the Final Jason Todd story! But since it's current and in the Dark Knight Universe, it will probably be a lot more entertaining than that whole Death in the Family garbage from the eighties. Unless it was the nineties. Maybe Jason Todd will be the one to take the metaphorical journey into his subconscious as Arkham where he'll eventually come face to face with The Joker where he realizes it's really the audience!

The media have decided to question Batman's policy of putting children in the line of maniacs. Batman catches wind of it and is all, "But I'm a good guy! Stop criticizing me!" Alfred is all, "Do you need somebody killed for this?" And Batman is all, "No, just...you know. Go polish something."

This book reminds me of that quote about how many men must walk down a road before you can call it a road. Mostly because I just thought of that quote while reading this book and thought, "Does that fit? Does that make sense? It must, right? Or else why would my brain bring it up!"

While the media questions why Batman would train a young person to put themselves in danger, Batman's back is all, "You're too old for this shit! Get a young person in here!" So it's that most ancient of all arguments! I'm not sure exactly what the argument is but it has something to do with old versus young and how the young waste their potential but only realize it once they're old and then the old version of them is all, "Young people are stupid because I was once a stupid young person!" Meanwhile the young people who actually spent their youth in a manner they could live with never grew old because they probably died in a base jumping accident. Then young people look at older people and think "Why are they so grouchy and boring?!" because only the grouchy and boring ones survive to look down their wrinkled noses at the youth. All the cool ones died awesomely when their aging bodies eventually betrayed them.

I think that explains why Batman needs to train a young person to do his job. It's kind of a different reason for Batman needing Robin then the usual reason that Batman needed somebody in bright clothing for the bad guys to shoot at instead of shooting at him. Or maybe the reason was that Robin was Batman's version of Prozac?

If you're wondering why I haven't scanned any artwork yet, it's because I'm afraid DC Comics will send me a cease and desist! No, wait. It's actually because this comic book's physical format makes it really hard to scan pictures. I could take pictures of them but that's totally amateur hour! What am I? A fckuging amataeru? Hardy!

The night after catching The Joker, Batman and Robin head out to catch more of The Joker's gang. During the battle, Jason Todd smashes a guy's head in the door of an overturned van that was catching fire. He saves Batman's life doing it, so Batman understands that sometimes casualties will happen. And it's not like Batman blames himself or Robin for any deaths! If a bad guy dies while Batman tries to apprehend them with explosives and lethal Batarangs and extreme violence, it's the bad guy's fault for not being prepared to live through explosions and blunt objects and sharp objects and Batman's fists of justice!

See? The bad guys are at fault for being too amateurish to reinforce their van against Batman's explosives! Dummies!

I basically ruined the spine of my comic book scanning that panel. Maybe it's more professional to just take a picture of the book! Or perhaps I should be buying them digitally? No way! What am I? A young person?! My world is physical comic books and living in a maze of stacked up comic book boxes in every room! So much better!

I have a theory about the popularity of Young Adult literature that I probably shouldn't bury in the middle of this review but I will anyway. I feel it's popular because the genre usually presents a black and white world where somebody who is a literal unique snowflake and literally doesn't fit in literally sees the literal right way things should be and works toward making the world a better place while also making the reader feel represented. Adult literature is way too ambiguous (and I don't mean fuck books about fucking! Although those are good too and often ambiguous as well). Because the real challenges in life aren't about rising up against an obviously oppressive status quo to make the world a better place, even though your sister and some of your friends might die in the process. People in the real world aren't background automatons brainwashed by the oppressive culture in which they live that need to be led to freedom by one spunky, thoughtful teenager and her friends! People in the real world are complicated by their coping mechanisms and the strategies they've come up with to survive. If only there were a single bad man to bring down to make everything better! If only there were one perfect solution to create a utopia that would make happy each single individual with different views, dreams, backgrounds, and hopes. Although maybe I'm reading Young Adult books incorrectly! Maybe The Lord of the Rings wasn't about bringing down the ultimate bad guy and making the world a safer place for men and hobbits (but not elves!) to live! Maybe it's actually about how travel makes a person less ignorant! And maybe The Hunger Games wasn't about bringing down a fascist regime but about how young people are quickly swept up into events out of their control as they enter adulthood where they get to make fewer and fewer of their own decisions and simply begin to just try to control the aspects of their lives they're able to control! And maybe the Divergent series wasn't about how young people who don't fit into society are actually better than everybody else and go on an adventure to prove that they're better and more creative and totally way more important than those stupid jocks and cheerleadgers! Maybe it was about...well, I don't know what it was about because I liked feeling like I was divergent and that I was better than everybody else because I totally didn't fit into society's fucking square holes! Or maybe Uglies wasn't about flipping the bird to society's conventional beauty standard and was actually about...no, I think that's probably exactly what it was about. I guess all of these Young Adult books are simply about making kids who don't fit in feel like they're better than everybody else. Because you know who reads? Kids who don't fit in! So lets write a bunch of books to make them feel good!

I may have lost my point somewhere in that paragraph but that's my style! Pointless!

Back to The Last Crusade, The Joker begins telling a story about a boy. "Etch a Pooh air," he begins. Although this story isn't about a boy who died soon after childbirth and was thus given a heroic story by his insane mother, written on reams of paper given to her to write letters to her first son Johnny, and sent to an old lover of hers named Zampano who may or may not have been the brother of her husband because it's really unclear how Pelafina knew Zampano at all although it was clear that she did know and love him. This story is about a boy born with a broken neck! The Joker's story is like one of those Young Adult books I was talking about. The broken necked kid was able to see things differently than everybody else because his head turned around more or something. But that was no good! Society hates those who see things differently! And so the doctors fixed his neck and made him normal and that was a true tragedy! They took away his individuality! They took away his power! They took away everything that made him McMurphy McMurphy except for his influence which is why the story isn't really about McMurphy at all but about Chief Broom who manages to escape those damned doctors!

Bruce finds his way into Selina's vagina and is all, "We can't have romantic times yet! I'm still training Jason Todd!" And Selina is all, "Fine! Fine! I'll put the Catsuit back on. But you know I'm feeling old too, old man! Don't expect any back flips onto your penis!"

Meanwhile, Jason Todd continues to delay Bruce's retirement.

Maybe this book isn't about Jason Todd being killed by The Joker at all! Maybe this book is about Batman paying The Joker to kill Jason Todd because Batman is old and tired and want an excuse to quit! And if Jason Todd isn't going to be the Batman Bruce wants him to be, Bruce will have to train a new Robin which could take more years than Bruce has left in him. But if Robin dies under his watch, he can pretend he's hanging up the cape out of mourning and respect!

Poison Ivy is running some scam where she makes rich people love her so that they give her their money. That's the story acting like the main story while The Joker escaping Arkham is pretending to be the B-Plot.

Hate! It's a circle that turns round upon itself!

The previous panel sent me on a quest to watch my favorite two math Schoolhouse Rock videos, Little Twelve Toes and Good Eleven. Little Twelve Toes blew my mind as a kid and Good Eleven, for whatever the fucking reason, makes me cry tears of pure joy. I'm crying right now after having watched it. If I could just distill whatever that fucking song does to me into pill form, I'd be a fucking wreck, probably. "Hey, Tess, why are you crying?!" "Never gave me any trouble til after nine!"

Batman and Robin stop Poison Ivy but Bruce is beaten near to death by Killer Croc in the brawl. As Bruce is bandaged by Alfred later that night, Bruce finds out The Joker is loose again and he's in no shape to stop him. And he doesn't believe Jason is either. So he tells Jason to go to bed and let The Joker do whatever The Joker is going to do anyway. It's just a regular night in Gotham where people are going to be tormented and killed by some maniac. Does it really matter if it happens to be The Joker?

Robin goes out against Batman's orders and is taken by The Joker as the story ends. As Jason is searching for The Joker, Bruce and Alfred discuss their future plans for Jason. They're things that maybe should have been said to Jason and maybe he wouldn't have felt he needed to simply disobey Bruce's orders and commands. Maybe Jason would have survived to be a great Batman had Bruce simply treated him like a partner or a son or a peer instead of a lump of clay or a cadet or an attack dog. And so Jason goes off to his death because Batman forgets to chain him in the yard. Or, you know, treat him like a human being, I guess?

Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!

Telos #2

Wait a second. I'm still reading this?!

Captain K'rot has been called in from the bench to make this comic book interesting! He must be part of the rebellion on Colu trying to overthrow Validus and Computo. Hopefully I'll remember who all of his friends are as I begin reading the comic book but it's unlikely. I was mostly drunk while reading Threshold because I had turned it into a drinking game.

Telos has decided to reenact The Odyssey because it has so many exciting chapters. There's the part with the cyclops and the part with the dog and the part with the shooting contest and the part with the sirens and the part with the Scylla and Charybdis and the part with Xena and the part with the blind man and the part with the Nemean Lion and the part with the hydra and the part with the cockatrice and the part with the kraken and the part with the Trojan War and the part where the ghost says "GET OUT!" I may have gotten some of those parts mixed up because I read every single book on myths I could get my hands on in elementary school as well as The Amityville Horror. I also read all of the Oz books and all of the Mouse and the Motorcycle books but I can tell when I'm thinking of one of those stories and not a myth. Because I just ask myself, "Now, Tess, was there a big round mechanical man in that story? Did he fall through the center of the Earth? Were there flying monkeys and evil gnome kings? Was there a mouse riding around on a toy motorcycle? Then it probably wasn't one of Hercules's twelve labors." I also read The Hobbit in elementary school because my sister checked it out of the library (who fucking knows why?! She's never been into fantasy literature at all! Come to think of it, I'm not even sure she can read!) and I saw it had pictures of monsters in it.

On the second page of this issue, Telos reveals his real identity: Arak, Son of Thunder! Ooh! Ooh! That's so fucking exciting I just pulled a bladder muscle! Is that a believable excuse for pissing myself? I wish I'd taken an anatomy class in college.

I'll talk about Arak, Son of Thunder in a Who's Who Update Special Spectacular after this since I haven't done one of those in a long time. I really should stop taking on projects only to completely forget about them because I'd rather just waste time by thinking about nonsense and naked women. When I first began doing New 52 Who's Who Updates, I had meant to keep up with all of the characters as they were reintroduced into The New 52. I sure have failed at that! At least I did most of the Villains Month characters.

Telos allows himself to become a prisoner on Colu because that seems like the best way to infiltrate Computo's fortress. Remember the prison in Lost Army #5? Remember how the cells were connected to all of the important places that could help the inmates escape? I guess Colu prisons are the same way! Once Telos is inside, he'll meet the rebels who are bad at their revolting and were caught. Then they'll devise some kind of plan that probably involves Captain K'rot digging a tunnel and missing that left turn at Albuquerque.

Telos remembers fucking his wife when he was Arak, Son of Thunder! I wish he'd remembered a different moment with less blanket.

Telos tells himself his origin story because I guess he forgot most of it until just recently so he just wanted to make sure he had it all straight. Brainiac came to steal his planet and to save his family and his people, Arak surrendered to Brainiac. He'd hoped to betray Brainiac but Brainiac wiped his memories and turned him into a much more boring character. Maybe this book should just be about Telos remembering stories from when he was Arak because his life as a shaman is more interesting than his life as Odysseus.

Captain K'rot is in prison with his partner Stealth and Captain Comet. I don't know how Captain Comet wound up here but he's like super evolved so I guess he can go wherever he wants to go. K'rot lost his ship as Telos arrived on Colu in a meteor swarm and now K'rot thinks Telos owes him a new one.

What a conveniently placed service shaft! Comic book prison architects must accept huge bribes to build their prisons so that the prisoners have access to everything they need.

The plan (which is actually a trap) goes off without a hitch except for the one hitch where Captain Comet doesn't do what he's supposed to do because he's distracted by evidence that the Psions are conducting eugenics experiments on Colu. Telos insists that they find his family before they destroy the Psions. But when Techne argues that if Psions are on Colu then his family might not exist, he relents immediately and decides to destroy the Psions first. I suppose he's smart enough to know better than to argue with a Twelfth-Level Intellect! Although he doesn't actually listen to her either because after she finds the location of the Psions, he decides to lead everybody back to Brainiac before going on the mission to kill the Psions. I thought Kyle Rayner killed them all but I guess the dirty little bastards are hard to wipe out.

Too bad on the way to Brainiac, Validus attacks! Validus is like a big baby that's evil and strong. I know most babies aren't strong but I think maybe the "evil" part was redundant.

Telos #2 Rating: No change. I suppose I could have raised the ranking this month because this issue was much better than the previous one which wasn't universe shattering at all. But it's still about a character I don't care about at all! Maybe I'd care a little bit more about him if I had been a fan of Warlord in the seventies and early eighties. But he gained a retinue which makes the book more interesting because a few of the characters from Threshold have found a new home. I'm much more interested in Stealth and Captain K'rot than I'll ever be in Telos. Plus Captain Comet reappears and there have to be at least a dozen people who love a good Captain Comet comic book.

Convergence #7

I really wish Scott Lobdell would stop getting writing credits on these. It's biasing my whole take on the story!

I just realized last night that Grant Morrison's title, Batman Incorporated, was a pun! It didn't just mean that Bruce Wayne was turning Batman into an international business! It was about Grant Morrison incorporating every aspect of The Batman's long history into a coherent story about the one man. Nothing was out of continuity for Morrison. He found a reason for it all and "incorporated" it into the Batman he wrote for years. He was even allowed to continue writing Preboot Batman into the Reboot and tie him to Snyder's Batman as well. That guy can blow my mind even when I'm not paying attention.

I mention that here because where else am I going to mention it? In the new blog I'll be starting soon about playing every computer role playing game ever made like the way the CRPG Addict is doing but doing it all Iron Man style? I think I'll use his list and I won't go as in depth into the games as he did (because he did that already! What am I? Stupid! No way! I'm lazy! Duh!). I'll just approach them with a strategy to try to beat them in one play. When I die, I die and move on to the next one. I need to think of a name for the blog though, preferably one that describes what the blog is about as opposed to this blog name which is totally awesome but doesn't mention comics in it anywhere at all.

Speaking of comics, let's discuss the one I have in front of me right now! Not in depth! I'm just going to do a shallow read of the comic while making snarky remarks about the art and the pacing and the characterizations and the plots. I won't even recognize the theme if it has one! That's for poetic nerds with hearts and brains and love. Themes! Pshaw!

Anyway, I think the theme of Convergence is "look how messy converging things can be. Kind of like pressing that slice of bread with peanut butter on it against that slice of bread with jelly on it. Smoooooooosh!"

Scott Lobdell must begin the writing on this issue because it stars Oracle and guess what?! He's making him speak! And he's doing a thing with his hand! I think maybe Scott Lobdell took offense that Jeff King had Supergirl call Oracle retarded last issue.

Fuck you! The least powerful people in any universe are the omniscient ones! Talk about lacking freewill! No wonder Oracle looks like a big drooping cock. He's the most impotent motherfucker in creation!

You're blind, you big dumby, because you're a huge liar! If you can't see what happens next then you aren't omniscient. Have you ever considered that you're one of those fucking psychics that truly think they're psychic because they don't understand the difference between random thoughts and visions of the future?! I hate you Oracle! I hope you die because you aren't listening to Superman! Also, I think he might die here which is why he can't see what happens next. Hmm. I wonder what Alan Moore comic book Scott Lobdell stole that one from?! I mean, you know, if it happens.

Oh man I hope it happens! I've never been so excited to turn a page! I might even go for a walk just to savor the moment! No, no! I can't wait! Here it goes!

Well, he hasn't died yet! But maybe before this is all over!

I like how a great writer can write the smallest story in the world that has huge philosophical implications but Scott Lobdell has to create a cosmic creature that knows everything that has zero impact on the reader. It's not the huge splash that awes the viewer. It's the body passing through the surface without leaving any evidence behind that is the real trick, you stupid, clumsy beast!

Superman is busy saving Stormwatch from the temporal and antimatter energy cascading all over the local space around the planet lodged in some weird, dimensional sphincter. It makes no sense! Not the space sphincter! Superman having to save Stormwatch! They've faced worse than this at least six times before breakfast!

Zilius Zox continues to not be dead for some reason. And Guy Gardner is back in his old uniform with the big boots and the snazzy vest. Maybe it's the temporal thingamajigs?

Is there a super hero that is some kind of cosmic midwife? That's who they need to save this planet! I bet Marvel has a ridiculous superhero like that!

While the New 52 heroes look on in horror at what amounts to just another random space event that they really could just be ignoring if they had other things to do which they don't because all of their titles are on hiatus, every other hero from DC Comics history are busy punching each other in the face on the surface of Planet Brainiac.

But it doesn't last for too many pages because it's not as exciting as it sounds. We live in the video game age where we can enact this battle any time we want!

I like how Aquaman decided to ride Grodd and how Supergirl is basically disintegrating Ocean Master.

These little maniac superheroes love to fight! It's hard to get a decent screenshot of these assholes because as soon as you stick one bad guy into the mix, they go fucking nuts! I had other shots with Captain Marvel and Catwoman and Metamorpho and Blue Beetle and Fastback and Black Lightning and Captain Atom but it took me too long to figure out the screen shots and by then they'd killed the bad guys and moved on to other parts of the screen. This time I trapped them in STAR Labs but then I forgot to add a bunch of the other characters before I added Harley Quinn and they all went apeshit about her arrival. No offense intended, Grodd.

Anyway, the fight in the comic book ends when Telos erupts out of the ground in giant form. At least the brawl part of the fight ends. Once Telos arrives, Deimos turns his attention on Telos while everybody else stops fighting to enjoy the show.

The New 52 characters get a sneak peek at the alternate versions of themselves that exist when Planet Brainiac belches or something. It probably makes sense if you want to spend any of your precious life actually thinking about it. I wish Omniscient Narrators still existed so they would explain the comic books to me and I could just shut off my brain. Except that wouldn't work because my brain would constantly nitpick the writing and the art because I'm one of those jerk nerds that just can't help being a troll. I wish I were dead!

Except my death would merely give Deimos more power. That's what everybody finds out when Yolanda mentions it to Dick. Wonder Woman overhears the message and tells everybody else. Everybody else goes, "I don't know who that is but she's probably telling the truth!" Then they stop fighting. Which is the exact opposite of what comic book characters would normally do! If there's a chance at a misunderstanding, they're supposed to keep fighting! None of this believing something somebody said just because Wonder Woman claimed the woman was telling the truth. Since when did whatever version of Wonder Woman that was gain the power of her lasso just by looking deeply and seductively into another woman's eyes? I mean besides in my Paradise Island fan fiction?

In the end, Telos gains the upper hand. Sort of.

I bet Telos was the first Brainiac!

The person who asks "Nothing?" is Parallax. He's killed so many things that he thinks he can just go around killing whomever he wants. I guess that's why he eventually becomes The Spectre, right? That guy is a righteous asshole!

Parallax disintegrates Deimos before he can reveal Telos's true identity. I say who cares! Unless he had the power to give him back all of his memories so that Telos could be and remember the person he once was, it doesn't matter. What connection does Telos have to that past? The only reason it's important is because it will probably be a good comic book revelation to the fans!

Since Deimos was full of time traveler chewy goodness, pieces of time get all over everything when he explodes. It also gets all over The New 52 universe because Planet Brainiac was mostly in that universe when Deimos died. Oracle catches most of it in the face and begins to disappear. Everybody shouts, "Hooray!" And then Oracle's final words are about how reality is breaking apart and everybody shouts, "Again?!"

Convergence #7 Rating: This issue scores Ten Dead Oracles out of Ten because the worst character in The New 52 has finally died! I hope. He'd better not come back! The comic wasn't actually good enough to score a ten out of ten but who cares anyway? Did I tell you guys that Steve Pugh began following me on Twitter for some reason? I guess he likes seeing old comic book covers and panels with stupid jokes posted underneath them because that's all I use it for. Did I also mention that I have 21 Convergence comic books left to read? What a hassle!

Did you see IGN's blurb for the new Batgirl series in the advertisements? "Not your Daddy's Batgirl." That's so gross! Why did they capitalize daddy? That's weird, right? IGN had this to say about Gotham Academy: "Slick, charming, and, dare we say it, fun." Why would you have to be dared to say fun?! Is it a bad word? Are you too cool for comic book school, IGN? You can't enjoy fun comics without making a big show about it? You're low self-esteem is showing!

The Nerdist.com says this about Gotham Academy: "A little bit CW television series and a little bit Harry Potter, with a wee touch of manga-inspired storytelling...." It isn't any of those things in those portions at all! Your recipe is all wrong, Nerdist! Nobody is fucking anybody so it isn't anything CW! And I haven't seen an ounce of magic! And you're only calling it manga because of Maps and her brother, you racists!

DC Comics really should have gone with my blurbs for the books!

Gotham Academy: "I'm so old that my crush on Maps looks super pervy and gross!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Batgirl: "I thought the ad said, 'A reinvention from the boobs up!' and I was all, 'I'll read that!'" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Grayson: "How do I get DC to use my blurbs? Do I have to say things like 'Dick is so good that I can't put it down!' and 'I haven't loved Dick this much since college!'?" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Wonder Woman #40

I hope we're having Tater Tot Casserole.

After I read this issue, I have the fucking annuals to read. I despise doing commentary on most annuals because nobody cares about annuals! Even the writers don't care about the annuals! The only people who care about annuals are the newbie artists that get to draw them because none of the pros give enough fucks to take on the assignment. This batch of annuals looks to have a bunch of artists that have done work for The New 52 but haven't had any steady work on a title, or are coming back after having been away for a bit. Except for the exceptions. And maybe the writers care! Tomasi usually puts together a Batman and Robin story that tugs at the tear ducts. But I bet the others don't give a shit.

The worst part is that the annuals are so long! When I first came back to comics, I was surprised that they had dropped to just twenty pages. But after doing the commentaries for a few months, I was glad they were so short. Annuals are a pain in the ass.

This issue of Wonder Woman is going to be a pain in the ass too. I can already tell because it begins with Diana attacking Donna Troy. And while she's attacking her, she's talking about how crazy everybody is acting because they've given in to fear. Stop it, Diana. You're the one acting crazy! You're attacking the Amazons newly chosen leader. You've been ignoring their problems and they solved the problem of you ignoring the problem where you ignore their problems. Maybe you should talk with their new leader and decide if she'll do a good job. You're so stressed! Let some of your responsibilities go! Maybe go take a hot bath. I bet David Finch would love to draw that!

The fight is broken up so that everybody can discuss the situation in the way that the situation should have been discussed in the first place. It's when the discussion starts going against you that you pull out the sword, Diana! That's just simple logic!

Wonder Woman isn't doing what's best for anybody! Send the brothers back to Hephaestus. They seemed to enjoy that life. Stop trying to make some kind of political point, Diana, and just let the boys go.

The only female Amazons left on the island, besides that really old lady in that previous scan, are all about thirteen years old. I'm just going by the artwork! Although they must be drinking cows full of growth hormone because...HOO-BOY!...do they all have great big bosoms! And just like a bunch of bossy teenagers that think they know better than every adult ever (obvs! Because the adults are all racists hypocritical dickmunches, amirite?!), they challenge Diana to prove her loyalty to them. Jesus fucking Xmas! Why is everybody in comics drama loving buttholes with no ability to remember anything. Diana fucking just saved you clowns against the armies of the First Born! How can you forget that shit? All these fucking Amazons can just go eat a big bag of dicks! Why not? They won't even know what they're eating, right?

Amazon #1: "Is this a mushroom?"
Amazon #2: "Mine is covered in frosting!"
Amazon #3: "I put mine in my butt!"

"Not like you, you filthy man-mutt!"

Diana points out how the kids used to call her "Jugs" and not because of her large breasts. They constantly teased her for being made out of clay but now they desire a Queen made from clay? Amazons are so fickle! The main thing the ancient philosophers gossiped about when discussing the Amazons was how fickle they were! That and the secret location where they bathed.

Wonder Woman, like Oliver Queen, thinks she knows what's best for the people living in the place where she lives. She sees the flaws they don't know they have. If she could just get them all to change and agree with her and think just like her, everything would be fine! Although I wonder if she's thought about maybe not painting every Amazon with the same broad brush when discussing them? Learn to trust, Diana.

Wonder Woman decides to discuss her problems with Superman while they save some children in a bus about to fall off of a bridge. He's a man! He should have some really good insights into solving the problems of a city full of women!

Why does Superman look like Rob Liefeld in a dark wig?

Wonder Woman admits to Superman that she wasn't comfortable going back to Themyscira after her mother died. Why won't she say those things to the Amazons? That's the kind of shit they need to hear from their Queen! They feel Diana isn't spending enough time on the island and it's affecting her ability to lead. Isn't the fact that she's hurting every time she has to go back part of the problem? She needs to admit it to her fellow Amazons! It would go a long way towards fixing the rift if they knew how her mother's death was interfering with her ability to lead.

I'm starting to suspect Diana should let somebody else lead! She knows it already. She can't split her attention between ruling a small island nation and being a member of the Justice League with an apartment in London and a dangerous plant to take care of. Just let it go, Di!

Who's going to war? If the Amazons want the men off the island, send them back to Hephaestus. The experiment didn't work. Once again: let it motherfucking go!

Superman and Wonder Woman are headed toward that cave where the insect people who were stealing small villages live. Now it's time for Wonder Woman to confront the Insect Queen and learn a little something about the responsibilities of being a Queen! I bet she makes her decision on what to do about Themyscira based on this confrontation!

The Justice League have found the Queen's lair and Wonder Woman declares this may be the only chance they have to stop the Insect People.

What the fuck does that mean? Is he taking a shot at Aquaman somehow?

Before Diana leads them into the cave, Batman takes a moment to get handsy with Diana. He's all, "Diana! I hope you don't mind I've put my hand on your bare shoulder! I know you can feel my manly manliness leaking through my glove (that's also partially the Kryptonite underlining)! But I just wanted to make sure we were okay. I mean, I accused you of being a murdering murderer last issue and I just wanted you to know: I'm still fucking pissed that you turned it around on me and said I had blood on my hands! That's wrong! I do not have any blood on my hands! Take it back!" And Wonder Woman is all, "We're good! Trust me!"

The Justice League encounter the Bug Queen on her non-Buggy throne and they let Wonder Woman speak with her because The Flash cracks too many jokes, Superman is an idiot, and Batman would just scowl and answer every question with "I'm The Batman!" They don't let Cyborg speak because they're all racist. Or it could just be Wonder Woman is kind of an ambassador and also more than kind of a queen herself. So she should know how to talk to the Queen of the Bug People.

I have no idea why Diana flips that guy. I guess David Finch was just all, "Talking is so boring!"

The Bug Queen sure has done her research on the Greek Gods! Although I'm not sure how "We're just killing humans because it's our nature!" is a valid defense for having killed all of the humans. Sure, it's the reason they killed them. They need to feed on humans so they eat humans. But that doesn't mean the humans have to accept it! They have a right to kill the Bug People when the Bug People are murdering them. Then Diana can act all uppity and tell the Bug Queen, "It's in our nature to defend ourselves with violence!" Then the Bug Queen can just be all, "Oh! Okay then. We'll just starve. Sorry about that!"

And then David Finch finally gets his double page splash in! I was wondering if he was going to get around to one. It's a picture of the Amazons slaughtering their brothers while Diana is off debating the Bug Queen. See, Donna Troy and her old patron don't want the men on the island. And apparently all of the other Amazons are dopey enough to go along with killing the men. Forget that they just helped save Paradise Island from the First Born. They're icky men! They deserve to be murdered before they can have a chance to leave peacefully. I guess Donna Troy is just a charismatic, convincing leader.

And that's where this issue ends! The conclusion to the story will take place in the Wonder Woman Annual in two months. That's just bad planning, DC. You should never use the annuals to finish story arcs. If you are going to do that, you really should number the annuals so that they fall in line with the numbering of the regular series. This coming annual should be Wonder Woman Annual #40.5. That way when somebody is picking up back issues of this comic book, they'll know they need to read the annual and they'll know exactly where it fits in.

Wonder Woman #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book just makes the Amazons look like assholes and makes Wonder Woman seem incompetent. I suppose when it all wraps up, Meredith Finch can have Strife lowered down from the ceiling saying, "Surprise! Nobody was acting in the manner they should have been acting because I was influencing them! Any horrible characterizations are totally explained away because of the influence of the Gods! Please do not write letters of complaint!" If fans thought The New 52 Wonder Woman was bad before, they should get a load of this skidmark named Diana! What a joke! I hope it's a joke. This is all a joke, right Meredith?