All Star Western #34

Just pretend I said the most obvious thing you can think of about this cover. I'm too depressed to care.

All Star Western has consistently been one of the most entertaining comic books of The New 52. It was fun and interesting and had some characters with which I could identify. But that time is over. This is the last issue of the comic book. I'm sad to see it go but all things eventually explode their brains all over the far wall, slide slowly down to the ground, stop moving forever, and are soon forgotten by everybody else that are busy with the job of living. It's just the way it is! Unless I'm mixing up reality with zombie flicks again.

Speaking of not being in touch with reality and zombie flicks, all y'all that participate in those zombie crawls had better fucking be careful! All it takes is one schizophrenic with access to a shotgun and a penchant for zombie films to stumble around the wrong corner and think, "Holy fuck! I need to save the world!" I have a feeling this kind of thing already happened once in Seattle a number of years ago. That might be the one time I could let somebody off for mass murder. You'd have to realize their heart was in the right place when they came back to the scene of the zombie invasion with a shotgun intent on saving the world. People always say it's the intent that counts, right?! Do they say that? I don't know if they say that. I don't interact with a lot of people.

I'm already starting to tear up and get sad!

The reason I'm sad is because, I figure, there's only one possible way this book can end and that's with the death of the Jonah Hex we've been following for the last thirty four issues. You see, we can't have a Jonah Hex without the facial scar. So the way I see it, All Star Western #1 began the story in a timeline that was not the regular New 52 New Earth timeline. When Jonah Hex went into the future with Booster Gold (who probably was the "real" Booster Gold that had found himself lost in time and timelines), he crossed over into The New 52 New Earth timeline. That timeline had its own Jonah Hex who our Jonah Hex met stuffed and mounted while in the future. That stuffed Jonah still had the facial scars and was much older than our Jonah which proves that's the Jonah that will survive this coming, ahem, face off. Booster returned Jonah to the past of the New 52 New Earth timeline where he never belonged. He's now heard tales of a person going around as himself and feels he must go confront the imposter. But he will learn that he himself is the imposter. Once our Jonah Hex is killed and All Star Western ends, what we'll be left with is a perfectly blank slate Jonah Hex which the next writers that use him can do whatever they want with. He will not be tied to anything that came before in All Star Western.

Hopefully what I just wrote happens even though it's sad to think about. I like the idea of this character I've been following and fallen in love with, this Jonah Hex, will have a complete story told within the thirty four issues of this comic book. It feels right. The only other ending I can imagine is that our Jonah Hex will be maimed in the fight and survive with the same disfiguring scar as before. But I hope that won't be the case. I truly hope Jonah, this Jonah--our Jonah--dies in the upcoming battle.

Now excuse me while I read the rest of this comic book without comment. I need a private moment.

Dammit! I can't just keep reading without commenting on this!

George Barrow was the name of the man that killed Jonah Hex in old continuity!

So it looks like our Jonah is definitely out of his own time. Hopefully Gray and Palmiotti are just playing on the old continuity to set up twisting the story somewhat in this one. Otherwise after our Jonah kills this time's Jonah, he'll be killed by the owner of the Spectacular Wild West Review (or his bodyguard, more like). I don't want both Jonahs to die!

The man helping out this timeline's Jonah Hex (who doesn't have as impressive a scar as we're all used to but you can never know what's going on from artist to artist. This guy could just be an imposter by the looks of him) is named Wheeler. Lew Wheeler was the name of the man what killed George Barrow. All this is detailed in DC's 1985 Who's Who series! So now I'm not sure what's going to happen! Maybe this guy is a fake because his scar sucks and the guy coming into town right now to kill him is the real real Jonah Hex and our Jonah Hex is going to just walk away while they kill each other! And then maybe another Jonah Hex from Earth-36 will appear and he'll marry Amadeus Arkham! That should be the All Star Western Annual #1 story!

After seeing the fake Jonah Hex, I don't want that thing I first said I want to happen happen. He's a pudgy, ugly, uncharismatic train wreck. I want my Jonah Hex to live!

Hopefully Jonah Hex will work out a deal with the Wild West Show man Farnham to tell the story that's in DC's Who's Who. He'll kill this fake Jonah (that I don't even want to think of as the Jonah of this timeline anymore! Let's just say I was wrong about that and that Jonah was gone long enough for this guy to fill the vacuum and live off Jonah's reputation, and then say no more about how wrong I was), sell the corpse to Farnham, and disappear with Tallulah. Farnham will say that he killed Hex's killer and there you have it! Easy as Bob's your uncle! Or something.

After Tallulah goes to sleep, Jonah heads over to confront fake as fuck Jonah Hex. And he heads over with a hatchet, so it looks like he's going to get that corpse looking just right for the part as a future stuffed oddity! Jonah isn't going to change the grim future he saw; he's going to make it happen. He's my kind of guy with a keen understanding of time travel!

Actually, Jonah's just a murderous dope that kills a guy because he was pretending to be him. Then he and Tallulah walk away as Lew Farnham (Farnum, Farnham...it's spelled differently in two different places in the book) takes the body of the fake Jonah to add to his show. Wheeler just gets the name of Hex's killer from Jonah which is George Barrow. And so the story is retold letting Jonah Hex live. I liked my version as well but since I like this character so much, I'm glad he'll be around for more stories later. Especially since the fake Jonah Hex was a horrid lout!

Aw! He even does the "you're an X" elementary school comeback! I love him so much!

All Star Western #34 Rating: +5 Ranking! What a great fucking ending to this book. I love that Jonah Hex was the architect for the his own death as written in the history books (and DC's Who's Who!). It's such a perfect way to leave a character from the New 52's past. Nothing is written in stone because nobody from the future even knows about Jonah Hex's secret life after he supposedly died. I look forward to the next Jonah Hex series where he gets lost at sea and winds up in Australia. Or maybe he'll have more time travel adventures. Or maybe he'll discover Atlantis. I bet Mera is one of his descendants. She's got a temper just like Hex's! Um, anyway, I loved the entire run of this series and the ending was more perfecter than even the horribly depressing ending that I came up with!

Batman Eternal #21

Why doesn't Bruce take issue with Alfred's use of guns?

The caption to the cover was a rhetorical question. Bruce wants Alfred to use guns so that Alfred takes the blame for killing any intruders. That means Bruce keeps his secret identity safe because he doesn't act like Batman and it also means Bruce isn't responsible for the bullet ridden dead person on the floor. It's a win/win/win/win/win situation! Those are rare situations, the five win situations. I don't know exactly what they all represent here and I'm not willing to make up the things they represent, so I probably shouldn't have even typed out five wins. Now I've exposed my laziness when it comes to writing! Maybe one of those wins should have been a lose.

This issue begins showing a side of Jason Bard that Batman suspected was there but he hadn't seen yet. You see enough squares in your day and you know when you're not dealing with a triangle. Or something. Also, Batman might just have tangled with Two-Face enough to know about this thing called an "ulterior motive." You should look it up. It's a fascinating read. Did you know that sometimes when people say they're doing something for a noble reason, they're actually doing it for selfish ones? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm still waiting to see the other side of Vicki Vale! Her underside! I was going to say her inside but that's fucking gross.

Commissioner Gordon has just been convicted of a whole bunch of counts of manslaughter because the jury just happened to consist of Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, Duela Dent, Pamela Isley, Tommy Elliot, Roman Sionis, Harleen Quinzel, Jervis Tetch, Basil Karlo, Arthur Brown, Victor Fries, and Harvey Dent. His only shot at not being convicted was a fifty percent chance at a hung jury. But Harvey's coin said guilty and so, Gordon has been sentence to life in Blackgate. And since Jason Bard and Vicki Vale already took care of interim commissioner, Commissioner Asshole, Bard has now been tapped for the commissioner's job himself. Vicki and Jason celebrate by rubbing their genitals together vigorously.

As Gordon heads back to prison for a nice long vacation, Carmine Falcone walks out. He's being extradited to Hong Kong and leaving this weekly grind. But first Batman wants to have a little chat with him.

Batman: "I am the World's Greatest Detective and I know that you are behind Gordon's frame up!"
Falcone: "Ha ha! You are not so good as you think you are, for I am not that person!"
Batman: "If you are not that person, then what person are you? You must tell me so I can have some clues!"
Falcone: "Here is a clue that I had the whole time! It is a poorly formatted invitation!"
Batman: "Yes, you are correct. It is indeed poorly formatted! Who is capable of such a thing?"
Falcone: "You find that out and you will find the person behind everything! But you should hurry because people think they like answers more than they like questions!"
Batman: "But they do not! They only think they do but when the questions begin getting answered, people realize the writers are much better at making up questions than they are at making up answers. That is a very astute observation, Falcone!"
Falcone: "Yes! I was a fan of Twin Peaks and The X-Files, so I know how it can be when the writers answering the questions are not as clever as the writers who asked them!"
Batman: "Well, it was nice interrogating you, Mister Falcone. I hope you have a nice time in Hong Kong. I must get back to solving my case now! Off to the printer!"
Falcone: "Good luck, Batman, my friend! I hope every step of your journey is as uneventful as the journey not taken! Is that a saying of my ancestors? I hope that it is because I needed to build some character! Maybe I should come up with a gimmick like The Penguin so that someday I might be in one of your movies."

Just wait until Batman finds out that Jason Bard got a poorly formatted invitation too!

Back at Wayne Manor, the alarms go off and the Batcomputer stops listening to Alfred unless he gives it the special Blue Rose override. What's the meaning of the Blue Rose? I can't tell you about that.

Alfred opens up the safe room with a secret button in Shakespeare's head because, well, you know. Then he knocks out his daughter, takes her gun, and locks her inside. Now it's time for Alfred Pennyworth to go all Die Hard on the invaders! I wonder if the invaders are the residents of Arkham since isn't one of the new comics coming out in October Arkham Manor? Anyway, Alfred heads off to find the intruder and finds him lickety split! Although he'd probably have liked to have gotten the jump on him.

Oh look! It's little Tommy Elliot straight from the court house where he and his other jurors just delivered the guilty verdict!

Alfred's daughter, Julia, finds her father flipping the fuck out on the floor of the grand foyer. He tries to tell her how to get down to the batcave by setting the clock to ten forty eight but he spells forty "fourty" so she doesn't understand, even though she's British and she's used to extraneous "u"s.

Meanwhile, Jason Bard heads to Blackgate to release The Architect so he can, I don't know, blow up some bridges or something? He calls Hush to let Hush know that The Architect is ready to go. He also calls Hush "Mother" for some kinky reason. Then he destroys the evidence that would have set Commissioner Gordon free. I knew that if comic book justice was anything like real life justice, that evidence wasn't going to do shit!

Apparently next issue, we get to find out who Gotham really belongs to! It better not be Tommy Elliot because we already saw him! Who is the only person capable of printing up poorly formatted invitations?!

Batman Eternal #21 Rating: No change. I hope all the Jason Bard fans aren't disappointed that he's a big jerko! That was a joke because I don't think there are actually any Jason Bard fans. Although there must be since he was a big enough name to have a half-page entry in DC's early 80s Who's Who! And what's going to happen to Alfred now that he's had Fear Toxin injected directly into his brain? Holy shit, he's in for a bummer of a bad trip. Now that Julia almost knows about Bruce Wayne's secret, I suppose she's going to become that extra sidekick that was seen in the Batman Eternal preview issue in Batman earlier in the year. For those of you that think this is any kind of review, I guess I should say, "I'm enjoying this series and I think you will too! If you like Batman and chaos, you should pick it up at your local library!"

Futures End #17

Just stand on solid ground, you super showoff.

What could possibly be DC's end game for this Futures End arc? None of the stuff that takes place five years in the future will have any bearing on the regular comics that take place in the NOW continuity. So what's the big payoff? How's this going to change the face of DC's present by presenting a huge conflict that takes place five years from now in a DC Universe that will never come to pass? I suspect some hero (or villain) from the future will wind up in DC's present. Perhaps this will end with a Booster Gold/Rip Hunter Brave and the Bold series! They'll be Time Cops! Or just go around fixing things that have suddenly gone wrong in the past which makes sense if you don't think about it for very long or you were a fan of Voyagers. Hopefully the new series won't end when Rip Hunter picks up a gun filled with blanks, says, "Watch this!", and then pretends to shoot himself in the head, thereby actually shooting himself in the head with the blank's discharge and killing himself. I'll go on record saying that was the one suicide that truly upset me because I fucking loved that show! And it wasn't an actual suicide! So kind of like Heathers how everybody was upset with all the suicides that weren't real but never even noticed the one suicide that was.

This issue picks up with Constantine and his pals, Tommy and Annika Midge, in Africa hunting an ancient alien. But they need to hurry because the ancient alien is being stalked by The Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. And the Anger Ranger kills everything it encounters, so Constantine and his crew need to step it up. Also, Tommy is shown without his sunglasses on and his eyes aren't horrible black monster eyes, so he's not who I was hoping for.

The scene shifts to Cadmus Island which sucks because I want to follow Constantine's story. You see, Constantine has just revealed that ancient, hyper-technological civilizations existed long before our current culture's recorded history begins. But these civilizations were killed by something from outer space, perhaps a singing plant? And that thing, that possible singing plant, is back! Also the singing plant might be Brainiac except that's the answer that one would expect with everybody becoming part robot so I really hope somebody else is controlling Brainiac. Although if it is somebody else, it's probably the Anti-Monitor since DC loves and hates the whole infinite worlds model and can't ever quite figure out what to do about it.

Anyway, back on Cadmus, a break out of the Twofers has just occurred.

And they're, along with Grifter, being controlled by someone.

Later Emiko and Big Barda meet up with Diggle because they're going to assault Cadmus Island and kill whoever is running the whole damn thing. Might be Faraday. Might be the father of Tim Drake's girlfriend, Madison. Might be Superman! The real Superman, not the phoney baloney chump on the cover.

The pacing of Futures End is awful. It's been seventeen issues and the readers have been given virtually nothing. Often it's the same scenes being played out over and over again with little to no reveal at all. Sure, we now know that Constantine is hunting an alien that knows something about ancient civilizations and, probably, what destroyed them and, maybe, why it's back as opposed to just thinking he was investigating crop circles. But is that really a significant amount of answers across seventeen issues? Rampage just keeps rampaging each issue. Fifty Sue keeps fucking with Grifter. Lois Lane ponders the mysterious objects that were mailed to her. Tim Drake keeps denying he was a Teen Titan. And The Key and his gang keep not breaking into Terrifitech. If this was the planned pacing of this thing so that the big reveals could coincide with Futures End Month, somebody should have gone back to the planning board. Is that a thing? A planning board? Perhaps this series should have been started at the beginning of August because I think four issues would have been sufficient to pass along all the plot points that have been revealed over the sixteen issues that have already come out.

Speaking of Rampage rampaging, here we go again!

Lois Lane is saved by Superman because Lois Lane always relies on Superman saving her. Sure, she can handle herself in pretty fucked up situations. But her confidence to fight back and survive comes with the knowledge that as soon as her own wits betray her, Superman will swoop in and save the day. I wish I knew that I had some supreme back-up plan that would always get me out of trouble! Just imagine the shit I'd get up to! I'd probably even go outside of the house once in awhile!

This made me giggle immaturely.

Once Superman is about to get his ticket punched by Rampage, and Lois gets knocked unconscious (or killed seeing as how Rampage punched her in the head), he does the last thing he can think of to save himself. He says, "Shazam!" Why would Booster Gold say that?

Do you think kids today even know what I mean when I said "get his ticket punched"? Do tickets still get punched anywhere? Did kids today even know what trains are?!

When Superman says the magic word, lightning flies down and knocks out Rampage. It also transforms Booster Gold into a kid named Billy. That's odd. I think that might be a continuity error.

And finally, Constantine and Tommy and Midge encounter the alien they've been hunting. And since they find him now that the identity of Superman has been revealed (although I think there was a printing error because Booster had dark hair), it's not too hard to figure out who the alien is. Especially when the comic book tells you.

They just used a comic book filter on an actual photograph of Henry Cavill here, didn't they?

Futures End #17 Rating: No change. I suppose it's no surprise that Superman is actually Shazam since they're equals on the strength and invulnerability scale. Plus I mentioned last issue how he kept talking like an adolescent boy, so that should have been a clue! But these days, I don't like following the evidence presented in front of me. I figure if coming up with an assumption and ignoring all the evidence that doesn't point in the direction your gut has wandered off in is good enough for American police officers, then it's good enough for me! So once I decided it was Booster Gold, it was fucking Booster Gold. I still believe that Harvest is Future Vampire Tim Drake! I thought it up so it must be true! Why would my brain think something that isn't real? That's scary nonsense when you think about it! People can be convinced of all sorts of things that aren't true! How do we know what's real when our brain is interpreting everything incorrectly?! Good thing every single thing I think actually has a basis in reality. Anyway, now that Booster Gold has made an appearance, things should really get moving! Although I really thought his name was Jon and not Billy. Weird.

Teen Titans #2

Apparently my comic book store doesn't want me seeing the legitimate covers.

What am I doing with my life?! I have so many projects that I'm working on and not one of them actually contributes to the betterment of our culture! Why can't dick jokes cure cancer? I'd be the most important person in the world! Oh, sure. A lot of people tell dick jokes. But nobody writes a good dick like I write a good dick joke!

Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I wrote a good dick joke. Does the time I photoshopped Brainy Smurf so that it looked like he was masturbating count?

Nope, that's not a dick joke.

I guess I don't actually tell dick jokes. "Dick jokes" is just a metaphor for my writing. Meaning it couldn't matter to most people, it shouldn't matter to any people, and, if it does matter, those people are geniuses. Sometimes I spend so long writing a sentence that I forget to make the back half have any correlation to the front half.

Wrong, RealRainbowRaider! Bunker attacked a guy that was probably about to insult Bunker and Beast Boy but we'll never know what his insult was going to be because Bunker smashed him into a wall.

The most charitable thing I can say about how abominably Bunker behaved at the end of last issue is that he was punishing a man for being ungrateful. We're supposed to believe that the man was about to call Beast Boy and Bunker faggots. But he didn't. He didn't even call them "f-"s or "fa-"s before Bunker slammed some Brain Bricks into the guy. When I look at Bunker and Beast Boy, I think they look like douchebags. Kind of like that guy that hosts Cheaters! But that's old news from last issue! Let's discuss this rant he was filmed ranting!

Bunker is basically threatening the populace to act decently to costumed heroes and villains. What the fuck is up with that? If the only way you can get people to act decently is to threaten them with violence or punishment, you haven't actually achieved anything more than scaring people into keeping their bigotry quiet. You're not going to end bigotry with laws. You know how you can end it though? Keep stupid people from breeding!

Oh shit. I hope I didn't just offend any bigots reading this because I called them stupid. It's odd, though. You can call somebody a bigot and they won't get half as mad (oh, they'll get mad!) as they would if you'd called them stupid. It's the one insult that's sure to make a stupid person angry. A smart person doesn't give a shit if somebody else thinks they're stupid. Smart peoples gots self-esteem, yo.

I don't even remember what I was trying to say. Why does Point A always lead to Point B which then leads to Hidden Path C which leads to Secret Door D which leads to Lost Labyrinth of Eternity E? You know what I mean? Quod Erat Deconstructiondendum: Bunker has become a touchy asshole.

DC would have been better off letting the guy say "faggots" as the foundation for this story of Bunker hardening up and getting angry and filling up with a passion to use his powers to change the status quo. As it is, it's all just too ambiguous and makes Bunker look worse for attacking somebody who might have just been about to say, "Only complaint I've got is with all the superheroes in New York, it's just my luck to get rescued by the two who look like a couple of -- guys that won't accept an invitation to dinner to prove how grateful I am."

Oh! I almost forgot about how happy I was yesterday when I heard some news which I'll continue after the caption!

I didn't mean to get so down on stupid people earlier. Stupid people can't help being stupid. Ignorant people, on the other hand, can fix the ignorance. Anyway, sometimes stupid people do exactly the right thing! I've often said that if a local TV news person ever came up to me on the street and tried to get my opinion on something, I would just let out a long string of expletives. And now stupid people are doing just that! I guess it's basically the next planking. If you see a news reporter out on the street, you get on camera and say, "Fuck her in the pussy." The news people look so fucking exasperated when it's done to them! But fuck them! They need to be taken down quite a few pegs. They think they're job is so important to the community, walking around asking people with no informed opinions what they think about topics. That isn't fucking news, assholes. Remember how I said the projects I work on add nothing to the world? Well at least I fucking know that! You stupid fucking news anchors have no clue how little you matter! And yet you think you're some kind of lynchpin to the community and our ability to get by from day to day! Fuck you! Fuck you right in the pussy and/or asshole and maybe the face as well!

Stupid people are the best.

Meanwhile, Tim Drake is busy interrogating one of the would-be suicide bombers from issue one.

When did Red Robin become a Japanese horror monster?

Oh my God, I wish I were a Japanese horror monster! I love Halloween but I've never really gone all out making costumes. Costumes were for New Years Eve parties! But there are two costumes I desperately want to do some time. The first one is the Cats character from Kids in the Hall with the gigantic papier-mâché cat head holding balloons. With his paws, not his head! And the other one is the girl from the well in Ringu. I imagine I'd have to carry a big, hollowed out television all night so I could crawl through it before I killed people. Not actively killed them, of course! Just passively killed them by touching them so that they'd die of fright. Totally not my fault if people die of fear. It's Halloween!

The TerrorMonster that Red Robin is politely interviewing dies when the STAR Labs morphine drip decides to go all STAR Labs morphine gusher. The nurse rushes in and hits the TerrorMonster with the paddles because Will Pfeifer and Kenneth Rocafort obviously don't read Polite Dissent. Never shock a flatline! Sure, that knowledge completely ruins the best movie that Keifer Sutherland was ever in but it's important to know when you're watching something on television and they get it wrong. It's very important so that you can nod sagely at the person next to you and say, "That's a mistake. Idiots."

The Doctor is even better than Doctor House because she figures out how the guy died almost instantly. And she didn't need to run around the hospital going in and out of doors chasing scary monsters while pop music played only to fall in her own trap before finally revealing that the murderer was Old Man McGinty, the guy that was trying to buy the hospital.

Holy shit! If House MD had been a show in the seventies, he could have guest starred on Scooby Doo! That would have been fucking terrific! Why isn't there a new Scooby Doo cartoon with guest stars taken from pop culture's best in this day and age? I want to see Shaggy and Scooby solve a mystery with Lady Gaga and Beyonce.

Okay, okay. Stop getting distracted, Tess. You've been in the Lost Labyrinth of Eternity long enough. Let's get back to the comic book, shall we?

A girl named Theresa Cicero is walking home in New York which means she's going to get violently hassled. Except this issue must take place in the seventies just like my House fantasy! Because she's saved by a themed street gang!

The Warriors had to be one of my top five favorite movies as a kid. This gang is obviously The Wonder Girls.

Another scene shows that STAR Labs is being run by metahumans, two of which are Manchester Black and Josiah Power. For anybody keeping score, Josiah Power is gay. So maybe he and Bunker will work together to teach possible homophobes that seeming as if they're about to be homophobic is dangerous to their health! Because it's apparently acceptable to use violence against somebody who you think might be about to say something offensive.

Um, at the end of the scene I mentioned previously, a STAR Labs building explodes. So the Teen Titans will probably need to investigate that and continue to prove to New York that they're heroes and not dramatic teenage assholes.

Bunker meets the bus driving Evil Ms. Smarty Pants from the previous issue while Beast Boy, having changed into a bonobo, is masturbating on a different floor.

Bunker blows up her head and puts out the fire and saves the day and yay and stuff. It seems like I've been reading this comic book for an eternity! As anybody familiar with my style knows, this trailing end stuff gets really short and bitter because I want to be doing other stuff already! I've spent more than enough time today with the Teen Titans.

So the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants turns out to be a robot named Algorithm with nanobot healing technology. And she's working for Manchester Black who is doing some Scooby Doo villain shit and trying to get STAR Labs to move or fail to move or be blamed for people dying or something. Maybe he has off shore real estate he's trying to sell to them so he can make a few bucks but they aren't biting and he's trying to force their hand. I don't think he's wearing a rubber mask though.

Teen Titans #2 Rating: No change. Now, no change in the rankings doesn't mean I didn't like this comic book. I'm liking it a fuckton more than Lobdell's anus shriveling version. But I think it's currently ranked about right sitting in the middle of the pack. I like that the antagonists have their own plan that doesn't expressly revolve around the Teen Titans. I like that the Teen Titans are acting like fucking heroes instead of just fighting other heroes and vandalizing large swathes of New York. I like that Beast Boy and Bunker are roommates. This comic is headed in the right direction. Finally, Teen Titans fans actually have something worth reading. And Bunker might be headed toward the dark side if he keeps acting out violently against people that are just expressing opinions, no matter how ignorant or hurtful. Or, you know, mysterious since nothing was ever said!

Batwoman #34

Remember when this comic book was fascinating as opposed to merely passable?

Batwoman has been having vampire troubles in Gotham City. I suppose that's more interesting than slapstick problems, or flightless bird problems, or brain teaser problems, or undead zombie assassin monster problems. That last one sounds like it could be vampire problems but it's not. It was a problem that went on and on and on for like eight years until all that was left was a mute undead zombie assassin monster that nobody would bother to buy a pad and pencil for so she could communicate more effectively.

At the end of last issue, Batwoman had been confronted by Nocturna, Night-Thief, and Killshot. It was a panoply of horribly named villains! I think I'll name my eventual memoir, "A Panoply of Masturbation Anecdotes." That should get it to fly right off the shelves!

Right, Batwoman? It boggles the mind. Also, I'm ignoring the fact that your moniker is "Batwoman." On the plus side, Moritat! Although, really, what kind of name is that as well?

Luckily for Batwoman, nobody is interested in her. Unluckily for Batwoman, she keeps putting herself between Killshot and Night-Thief so that they're reminded she's also somebody they can punch. Or shoot. Or rip off her weave.

Maybe these two can go out for a stake dinner afterward! That's a vampire joke because the best stakes have lots of garlic on them and vampires hate garlic! Oh! Also I spelled stake wrong! I meant steak.

Night-Thief gets shot a few times in the chest by Killshot and tumbles off of the building and into the bay, dragging Nocturna with him. Killshot somehow thinks he's going to receive a check for the assassination of Nocturna without any proof her demise, so he's even dumber than his name would suggest. And I already scanned two pictures too closely together or else I'd scan the panel where Moritat draws some really cute cleavage on Nocturna hanging upside down. Sorry about that, cleavage fans.

Cleveland should rename itself to Cleavage. That sounds like a fun town! As opposed to "Cleveland" which sounds like a rather unexciting sewage system.

Another reason Killshot isn't going to collect a check on this job is because Batwoman knocks him out cold with the old Bat-Electrified-Wire gag. Then she leaves him for the cops and goes out to her favorite dive bar, The Haunted Clam. Moritat must also head out for a drink since he's done with his part of the arting.

Instead of going to the bar, Kate Kane goes and cleans all of her possessions out of Maggie Sawyer's apartment. I'm really disappointed in Kate. She wants to be with Maggie. Maggie wants to be with her. Jaime likes her. But Kate is letting the whole incident where she startled the kid in the middle of the night get out of hand. Kate believes she's responsible for the tension between Maggie and her ex-husband. No, you know where that tension comes from, Kate? Divorce. It's just two bitter and resentful individuals trying to fuck with each other as much as they can because their feelings were hurt. I think the jerky way people treat each other during a divorce is caused by the huge embarrassment of having invited all of their friends to a ceremony that they subsequently shit all over. How do you keep the wedding presents after that and still look your friends in the eyes?

Kate tries to sneak out while just leaving a Dear Johnette letter (unless it's a Dear Jane letter (or maybe just a Fuck You, I'm Outta Here letter)) but Maggie comes home. And she's so happy to see her across the next two pages that I don't want to fucking turn the page! Poor Maggie. Jerko Kate! Stupid Dan DiDio.

Kate pretends everything is just fine before scurrying into the elevator and getting the hell out of there before Maggie gets a chance to read the letter. That's the second best way to break up with someone. The best way is to put your car in neutral, push it off of a bridge, and then start a new life in Argentina.

The letter is actually pretty decent. The only problem is that it's still Kate controlling and manipulating the people and the environment around her instead of trusting that other people can make decisions and compromises about their own lives all by themselves. Anyway, she's leaving Maggie until Jaime, Maggie's daughter, dies or runs away or decides she wants to live full time with her father. Then they can get back together and be two single people alone together. Or something.

With that not very sexy drama over, Kate goes home to get sexily bitten by a sexy vampire.

Lucky!

Batwoman #34 Rating: No change. At one point in the latter half of the comic, Kate's psychiatrist says to her, "You made a decision based on the emotional welfare of someone else. That proves you're not a sociopath." I think that means I am a sociopath! I don't think I've ever made a decision like that in my life! I didn't even know other people had emotional welfares! It's as if he's saying other people actually exist as autonomous beings! Ridiculous.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34

Starfire must be killing some guy that just asked her for directions because why would two guys that kill anything that moves seem shocked that she's burning someone's face off?

Who decided that the reason men don't ask for directions is because they're arrogant, stubborn assholes that can't admit when they're lost? We need to change the conversation on that one, so let me be the first to start. The reason men don't ask for directions is because they don't feel lost as soon as they walk out the front fucking door. Not knowing the exact route to a place yet knowing the general direction one is headed means that you're not lost. I'm fairly certain as soon as a woman loses her sense of the cardinal directions, she feels lost. And if she's with a man that has not become confused about the placement of himself in our world's arbitrarily named directions but doesn't have a firm grasp on the name of the fucking street they're on, she's going to believe he's hopelessly lost and his male pride and ego won't allow for him to ask directions. Look. Some people have a good sense of direction and some people don't. But if you don't, lay off the fucking people that do. Also, some people are stubborn fuckers and if you're a stubborn fucker that can't admit that you're lost all the time, stop hanging out with women that will use you as an example of all men, you dumb asshole.

Also, about this toilet seat issue. Why the fuck does it gotta stay down? I'm not the one that winds up falling in the toilet because I was too lazy to check it. You do realize guys need to sit down when they shit, right? And lots of guys leave the seat up. But guess what? They put the fucking seat down before they sit down. Jesus Christ. Up. Down. Who gives a fuck? Take care of your own life and your own responsibilities and stop trying to make other people conform to the way you think the world should be. By the way, I'm a guy and I keep the toilet seat down because have you ever seen how fucking filthy you women get the rim underneath where your piss sprays? Oh, you haven't because you keep the seat down all of the time and when you finally do look at the fucking mess your not very directional urethra has made, you blame it on us guys. We're responsible for all the piss pooled up at the back of the toilet seat! You're responsible for all that splatter in the front where your pee hole is aimed.

Mostly though, I'm sick of all of these male/female jokes we hear over and over and over again. I blame those shitty sitcoms about married couples where the couple isn't in love at all. They're just constantly competing with each other and making the other one look like a fool. Do people not know that in a healthy relationship, you aren't constantly trying to embarrass the fuck out of your partner in front of your friends?

After that rant, I was generally surprised when I began reading and read this Lobdellized first page. For a moment there, I had completely forgotten that I was about to read twenty pages of shit!

Scott Lobdell is entirely incapable of beginning a comic book any other way than introducing the main character by name, saying a few things about the character, and making me wish I were dead. I suppose I can't begin a commentary without ranting about something that has nothing to do with comic books, so I suppose we're even. Although, and I'm trying to say this as humbly as I can, at least my beginnings are entertaining.

The book (and it pains me to call this a "book") begins with Starfire beating up aliens until one of them tells her where to find another alien she plans on beating up. You see, she was a slave and she has a problem with slavers. I suppose the only people that don't have a problem with slavers are slavers themselves. So when I pointed out she was a slave, it was just to emphasize how much of a problem she actually has with them.

Roy, being the super duper fucking genius level genius electronics master of making everything deadly, touches one button on SHADE's computer and instantly finds Starfire. I don't think Lobdell knows how to write anything but extremes. Someone is either all-powerful, or the smartest person in the world, or the fuckiest sex monster on Earth, or they're the opposite of those things. What I'm trying to say is that he's the worst.

Please just begin punching each other so I don't have to read any dialogue written by Scott Lobdell.

Instead of killing him immediately, Starfire listens to him talk about how he's changed because if he's changed, maybe he deserves to not be punished for the horrible atrocities he's committed, right? Maybe he's also stalling in the hopes that his infant granddaughter has spontaneously figured out how to call the police. I'd say he was waiting for Red Hood and Speedy to drop in and stop her from doing something she'll regret, but he doesn't know that they're on their way. And even if he did know they were going to drop by, he wouldn't think that those two maniacs would convince her not to kill.

No! No more talking! Kill him already! But make sure the fight lasts until the end of this comic book. And make sure it's done without speaking! Also no Narration Boxes!

Why doesn't Scott Lobdell ever write a silent comic book like that Batman: The Dark Knight issue by Gregg Hurwitz where Batman kills Christmas?

Oh look. It's that scene where they stop her from doing something she'll regret. I would sigh right now but I'm all out of sighs. I used them all up at this party I went to last night where some women were equating a man washing dishes with foreplay.

The ex-slaver blows his own head off with one of Speedy's more dangerous arrows after Starfire has flown away pissed off at everything. So now the guy is dead and Starfire didn't even get the satisfaction of doing it herself. Plus she's angry at her fellow outlaws. Way to go, jerkos! How dare they tell Starfire who she is and whether or not she should be able to kill that asshole. How dare they project their male ideals on how a female should react in a situation like this. They have killed people for no reason at all! To dare say that Starfire killing one person with good reason is going to spoil her somehow? How fucking chauvinist. She doesn't need these assholes to take care of her!

Since Starfire didn't get to fulfill one of her life's ambitions, she heads home and gets fucked up on Space Heroin. Now is Speedy going to tell her that she can't do that to?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34 Rating: No change. Are the Outlaws ever going to work together in this comic book or are they constantly going to be at odds? The "Next Month in the Futures End Special Blurb" says, "Five years in the future, the outlaws turn on each other." So how is that any different than the present? I'd be more surprised if they were getting along and working legitimate careers.

New Guardians #34

If I were Kyle, I would defeat the Psions just after they'd killed all the Bohemian Guardians.

It's understandable that people find God when they go through traumatic or painful experiences. I'm a staunch atheist and I moan, "Please Jesus. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus jesus jesus please," when I'm wracked by severe cramps sitting on the toilet bowl. If just a bout of diarrhea can make me wish for the healing power of a minor God's mortal son, just imagine if I were nearly dying! I'd probably even ask Mormon Jesus for help! Hell, I might ask him for help anyway. I think he wears a holster with two six shots and sings all of his parables. Remember when he sang about kids never telling lies and that idiot that confesses to breaking a window? Mormon Jesus is awesome.

I wish there were a comic book about Mormon Jesus. Maybe that's the independent comic book I was born to write!

If anybody in the DC Universe can use the word "kaiju" without me judging them just a little bit, it's Kyle Rayner.

Look, we all judge everybody all the time for various, sundry, idiotic reasons. So don't judge me for judging people over using a stupid word! At least I'm honest about my faults! Sometimes I can't fucking stand you readers, always trying to change me into something I'd rather not be! Jerkos! This blog was so much better when only Doom Bunny and Swickape were reading it!

I wonder if the younger and younger the writers become (or the younger and younger voices they try to simulate *cough*ScottLobdell*touchmyselfsecretly*), the more and more old man ranty I'm going to become. I said "ranty" not "randy!" Although what makes old men so hands on and gropey? You're creeping us all out, old dude!

I bet this issue is called "Sacrifices" because Quaros sacrifices himself to save the others! Who else is going to sacrifice anything in this comic book? Certainly not Carol Ferris! She's worth too much money for that kind of peasant-type bullshit. Sacrifice! I bet she doesn't even know what the word means! Or that its mantra is "BEH!" Oh wait, is that the mantra for Compassion? Fuck it. Who needs to know about sacrifice anyway!

Oh! Tinkers! That's who! Duh!

Meanwhile, the Bohemian Guardians escape.

Don't bother. He's already the second segment of an Alien Centipede.

Meanwhile Carol Ferris frees all the other biological experiments so that they can curl up in a ball and cry forever while not being imprisoned. At least the ones that didn't have their tear ducts removed. Or sewn shut. Or switched with their rectums. Although I'm sure those ones can still cry as well but they'd better hold in that turd. Ick!

Instead of crying like I would do, the maltreated aliens rush from their cells like horror monsters exiting a bank of elevators in that movie that basically felt like a lost episode of Angel. Didn't it seem like the evil organization in Cabin in the Woods might as well have been Wolfram and Hart?

That smoke is really starting to piss me off. I want to see what's going on in Quaros's basement!

Quaros decides that the only way to defeat the Psions is to destroy the ship with all of the Psions and their experiments inside of it. That means he'll die too because that has something to do with sacrifice. I looked up the meaning while you were busy in another browser window. But Quaros does make sure that the other Bohemian Guardians, Kyle Rayner, and Carol Ferris are all far away when the ship explodes.

The only problem with the explosion is that it went "BOOM" and before that, a little box was going, "Ping. Ping. Ping." We all know what that means, right? Quaros is on Apokolips now! I'm sure we'll be seeing him again in the Godhead crossover.

Says the woman who earlier finished Kyle's sentence that began with "We need to--" and ended with her saying "Find the Guardians and get some additional brainpower working on this?" I'm more apt to believe in gamma radiation turning a person into a Hulk than I am to believe that people ever finish other people's sentences as often as they do in comic books.

That whole "we finish each other's sandwiches" exchange between Tobias and Lindsay in Arrested Development is, well...actually it's just one moment in a show full of goddamned motherfucking pure genius.

New Guardians #34 Rating: No change. The main problem I have with this comic book is that I don't care about any of the characters. Otherwise, I like how he's off doing his own thing and having his own adventures with Carol. But I guess I can kiss that shit goodbye since he's going to get dragged right back into Green Lantern Corps drama in October. At least this crisis will star the New Gods. I hope Metron runs over Kilowog in his space chair. Then Black Racer will ski up and be all, "Dude, you're dead. You're dead dude. Dude. Dead. You're dead. Dude."