Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #26 (Fifth Week of May 2018)

E!TACT #26
The Half-Year Anniversary Newsletter!
Also: The Wild Storm #13, No Justice #2, New Challengers #1, and Batman #47.
By Grunion Guy


The Retrospective!

Here's the part where you sit patiently sipping champagne or apple juice as I fumble with the slide projector. It's also the part where you glance around at everybody else wondering if they're also thinking, "Why does he have a slide projector? Has he not heard of [Do research to discover name of new technology that does what slide projectors do and replace this with that. DO NOT FORGET!]?"

This is the part where you imagine me, in a tuxedo and looking as handsome and sexy as you feel comfortable, asking to have the lights turned down only to realize the projector still isn't working. I mutter, "Fucking cunts," before waving in the dark for a few seconds before I ask to have the lights turned back on. This is the part where I take an interminably long time to admit that I don't know what I'm doing before looking for the nerdiest person in the room to set up the projector for me. It's a woman with glasses and a pony tail in a frumpy dress that's probably disguising a chubby body and not the totally surprising hot body that will make everybody gasp when they finally see her polished up at the end of the Newsletter. She flips a switch and slides begin appearing on the wall. "Lights, lights, you motherfuckers!" I scream as I stumble back to my seat, bumping into a table shared by Scarlett Johansson and Jerry Stiller.

This is the part where you read a bunch of random quotes from my blog over the years instead of looking at pictures. Maybe you'll also get to look at some pictures. Either way, stop gabbing with the people at your table and pay attention!

Saturday, July 7, 2012
While Superboy and Wonder Girl are arguing, a dinosaur swallows Superboy whole. But Wonder Girl punches it in the stomach and it spits out Super Boy. Now, did you hear what I just typed? Oh, I mean read. Did you read it? Yes. A fucking dinosaur. Yay! The twelve year old boy in my basement is super excited about this turn of events. Did I say basement? I meant in my head. You know. The old me when I was twelve. Not that kid in the basement. That's nothing.

Saturday, August 23, 2014
I probably shouldn't objectify a fictional character, especially since I don't know how old she is. She isn't under eighteen, is she? She doesn't look like she is although you can never tell how old a character is because comic book artists are wildly inaccurate at portraying age. If David Finch were drawing this comic, I might think that Batgirl and her friends were still in middle school. If Chris Burnham were drawing this comic, I might suspect every character had had sub-dermal yogurt injections. If Rob Liefeld were drawing this comic, I'd probably consider seeking out a professional attorney and pursue a fraud lawsuit against him and DC. I may not be able to define "art" but I know it when I see it!

Thursday, June 5, 2014
What are DC editors paid to do? Because part of their job description obviously isn't taking a script back to Ann Nocenti and asking the important questions like "Why is Sam calling Selina a tease here?" and "Why is Swindle saying 'Never again' to Vice?" and "Who keeps signing your paycheck?"

Oh Ann Nocenti! How I miss thee!

Monday, January 27, 2014
Fuck you, Apple! You're taking Whitman's poetry about life itself being a poem and a verse and trying to make it a call to arms for people to get out and create (with your product, of course). But Whitman's whole point is that we are here and that is life and we all have a unique identity and that's fucking enough! What we do, no matter what it is, is poetry in and of itself! So take your stupid ass fucking call to arms and shove it up your stupid ass fucking ass!

Monday, October 15, 2012
Does anybody know how many non-venomous spider bites it takes to kill a person? If it's more than thirty-six, my body is still probably in the crawlspace of my house. When history remembers me as the genius I'm pretty sure I am, I hope they remember my last spoken words were "That's weird. Who would carpet a crawlspace?"

Thursday, July 23, 2015
That was probably the least interesting confession I could have made. "Hey! I run people over in a video game and I thoroughly enjoy it!" Like, who doesn't?

Thursday, March 2, 2017
Right now, I don't know if I want to name my own price on car insurance or fuck Flo deep in the ass.

Also Thursday, March 2, 2017
Supergirl has worse Daddy Issues than that stripper I tipped too well and made too much eye contact with who thought that was an invitation to provide a therapeutic ear for her as she gyrated near my vinaigrette decanter. Is it too much to ask that when I walk into a building that screams in bloody neon "Objectify women sexually here!" that I not have to learn that they're real people with real problems?!

Sunday, October 20, 2013
I think I met a stripper super villain in Vegas this weekend. She told me her name was Princess Unicorn Pants and for $25, she'd stab me in the face and choke me. All that for $25?! How could I refuse! I wonder if that's why I can barely speak now? It could also be the cause of my spontaneous loss of depth perception.

Friday, March 22, 2013
People say Portland has too many homeless people. I say Portland has an abundance of opportunities for people in the "I love to assert my power against targets incapable of standing against me" career field.

Saturday, March 22, 2014
Look, I can't hold your hand while reading this commentary and explain every single thing I say! If you're a regular reader of my commentaries, you know exactly what and who I mean by "barn owl." I suppose I could have easily explained it in far fewer words than it took to explain why I wouldn't explain it. But I think I'm standing on principle here! I've never done it before so I'm not sure if this is it or not.

Oh Rob Liefeld! How I miss thee!

Saturday, June 27, 2015
It's just like watching a Looney Tunes cartoon. Except with masturbation and beaver jokes.

Saturday, May 6, 2017
People who liked Twat Lobo are beneath Trump Supporters on my list of people I would never have breakfast with. And I love breakfast!

Friday, June 26, 2015
After the fight, Superman meets up with a cop whom he recognizes from events in Action Comics #42 which, once again, I missed due to my time machine having been stolen because I left it unlocked in front of that 1983 Red Barn I visited last week to pick up a Foghorn Leghorn glass.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013
When I first moved into this place and looked under the house, I was like, "Holy shit! You can probably fit ten corpses down here!" But now I feel like a soccer mom who buys a minivan because she's sure she can fit ten bags of groceries in the back only to find on her first shopping trip that only eight can be squeezed in.

Thursday, September 15, 2016
Who would have thought that the Hanna-Barbera comic books would be the cutting edge comic books commenting on our modern times? Wacky Raceland is over there commenting on the important aspects in our journey through life. The Flintstones are commenting on the ridiculousness of our modern way of living and how we believe much of that idiocy is just the way things are, shrugging off any belief we can change it and just struggling through the roles others have given us. And Scooby Apocalypse is commenting on how fighting for survival at the end of the world in a short skirt doesn't provide as many on-panel upskirt shots as a reader might expect.

Sunday, June 21, 2015
I don't like having to figure out what things mean. I just like pointing at stuff and saying, "I saw that! Did you see that? Totally saw that. Means something, probably."

Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Could it be true? Could it be that we...were too free?! Before I get on with my point, let me just start by saying I'm not suggesting we should corral stupid people and butcher them for their meat! I mean, that's probably going too far. But maybe we should consider demoting them to the level of urban wildlife, on par with squirrels, raccoons, and opossum? If a stupid person tries to make conversation with me in public, shouldn't I be allowed to swat them away with a broom while yelling, "Shoo! Shoo!" or "Oh my god it probably has rabies!"? I don't know how we can test the intelligence of everybody in the country to see who gets what rights but I think I have an idea! We seem to be okay with enacting laws that make it more difficult to vote, right? So how about each ballot comes inside a puzzle box that must be solved before the vote can be cast! This will limit the amount of dumb people who get to ruin a pretty good system. It might also accidentally send a few people to hell but I think Americans have shown that they'd totally be okay with that.

At first I thought maybe the voting booths could be inside of locking garbage cans to test people's intelligence but then we'd have a spate of raccoons voting. They might even win some districts. Before you know it, we'd have a bowl of cat food for president and a bird bath for vice-president. I mean, we sort of had that from 2001 to 2008, so I think the country would survive.

Saturday, August 30, 2014
How many months in a row can you convince your neighbors that the stench coming from your house is due to fertilizing the garden before they think, "Wait. What garden?"

Friday, October 21, 2016
I didn't realize I'd watched Footloose wrong for years. It wasn't until I heard somebody talking negatively about the adults that I realized Kevin Bacon was the hero! Shit. I thought he was the villain who destroys a small town and gets away with it! How could you not root for the people trying to stop idiots from dancing?! Go read a book or something! Express your zest for life in painting! Quietly! In your garage!

Saturday, May 30, 2015
Speaking of beat-up covers, I dug out my copy of Walking Dead #1! Wait, I phrased that wrong. I meant that the cover wasn't beat up at all. In fact, it looked flawless! When should I sell it? Has the show jumped the zombie shark yet? Oh man. I hope at some point Rick jumps a zombie shark to prove to some other gang of survivors that he's the coolest. And then the term "jumping the shark" would have to begin meaning the opposite of what it means now!

And aroused!

Saturday, July 7, 2012
Lobdell's target audience are either the kind with no short term memory or the kind who just say, "FUCK YEAH FIGHTING AND SEXY BITCHES!"

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This is the part where the lights come back on and everybody gives me a standing ovation. Go ahead. Give me a standing ovation. I don't care if you're reading this at work. I demand respect!

Next is the part that's just beginning right now. It's where I read some comic books and people who aren't into comic books tune out until I start reviewing music. Unless they're not into music either. Although if they're reading this, shouldn't they be into me? Like really into me? Like if you saw me on the street, you'd-want-to-give-me-oral-sex into me?

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Comic Book Reviews!

The Wild Storm #13
By Ellis, Davis-Hunt, and Buccellato

One year of Ellis's The Wild Storm contains too much information for my head. I have to remember dozens of characters, half a dozen organizations vying for control of the world, and which characters work for which organizations. Hopefully he'll reboot everything with this issue!

Ellis does not reboot the world this issue. But he does spend most of his time saying, "Hey, you know that story I've been telling for a year in which I've been hinting at an underlying alien invasion? Well here are a bunch of those aliens and guess what? They've all got factions as well! So now you have to remember all the different characters, who those characters work for, if they're aliens or not, and what alien race or faction they are if they are indeed aliens! Oh, and guess what? Sometimes I'll have scenes where I don't use the names of some of the characters in those scenes and you'll never be able to tell who they are unless you're a rabid fan who reads and rereads every single issue multiple times! Good luck understanding any of it!"

Rating: I know I'm not following about thirty to forty percent of this series (mostly because I'm reading it monthly) but it's still better than anything else DC Comics is publishing. Except maybe Batman and Mister Miracle. I should be putting this series off to the side to reread all at once later, like I'm doing with Mister Miracle. But at this point, that would mean digging through a bunch of poorly labeled comic book boxes. I'm forty-six! I don't have enough life left for those kinds of mundane tasks. Maybe I should rehire Pickle Boy.

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No Justice #2
By Snyder, Tynion IV, Williamson, Manapul, To, and Hi-fi

What? Armageddon unleashes what?!

From this moment on, I'm going to describe my orgasms as "when the dark seed blooms." Hopefully that gave you enough of a mental picture to make you sick. If not, I'll try to think up something grosser before I'm done.

Thinking of gross things, how was it we had so many dead baby joke books in the eighties? Was that the most shocking thing anybody could come up with? Maybe it was because dead baby jokes were actually preferable to Ronald Reagan and his cronies razing America.

I just looked up "dead baby joke books" on Amazon and found one from 2011. The first review was from Paul Majors who gave it three stars and titled his review, "Not for kids." Did that need to be clarified? Maybe he wanted to be sure that parents of dead babies weren't accidentally buying this book for their dead baby because they'd misconstrued the title. He does go on to say that he told lots of dead baby jokes when he was thirteen but somehow the dead baby jokes in this book are too adult for thirteen year olds. How is that possible? That's the target demographic for dead baby jokes, isn't it? Paul Majors must not understand that today's thirteen year olds are much more sophisticated than the thirteen year olds from the eighties. They need more anal rape and skull fucking in their dead baby jokes or they just can't be shocked by them.

Some people really seemed upset about a book with juvenile humor about dead babies. But come on! Some of them are funny, right? I mean the ones that aren't punching down at the dead babies but making fun of something else entirely. Like this one:

"What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Ferrari?"
"I don't keep a Ferrari in my garage."

Ha ha! See? It's relatable! Although I have to admit a lot of them are just covering the same ground. There's a lot of "What's a specific color and sits somewhere?" Then there's a description of a baby that died in such a way (or has been dead long enough) to be a certain color. That's just lazy comedy! Some of the other ones make no sense unless you assume the joke teller and everybody else in the world simply hates babies for obvious reasons.

"What's the difference between a baby and an onion?"
"Nobody cries when you chop up the baby."

See? What kind of sociopath tells that joke?! I just got done reading reviews of a dead baby joke book on Amazon and I can attest that there are a lot of people who would cry about chopping up a baby!

"What is the definition of revenge?"
"A baby with a dog in its mouth."

What? Why?! If this is the quality of dead baby jokes in that dead baby joke book, maybe I should give it a one star review too! So offensive!

Most of the dead baby jokes I'm finding online are just terrible jokes obviously written by people who don't understand how to write a joke. Here are two final dead baby jokes that I want to discuss before I get back to reading more mature literature.

"What's the difference between a soccer ball and a baby?"
"I've never kicked a soccer ball 50 yards."

This is a good example of how most people writing dead baby jokes don't understand joke writing. The joke seems to be that kicking a baby is funny. But it's illogical to think you could kick a baby further than a soccer ball! I need a more realistic scenario if you're going to entertain me with your dead baby joke. The humor can't just be in the premise that I'm hurting a baby or reveling in the death of a baby!

"What do babies and baseballs have in common?"
"The neighbor gets angry when you throw them through their window."

I like this joke because it tells a story about the relationship between the joke teller and the joke teller's neighbor. It also makes the neighbor seem like a huge jerk because they seem to have the same reaction to a baseball coming through their window as a baby. Shouldn't the neighbor have greater concern over one of those things? Maybe I just like this joke because now I can't stop singing the Mormon commercial, "Who broke my window?", with the line, "Who could the little culprit be? Who threw this baby? Did someone see?!"

Okay, back to No Justice. The four new Justice League teams based on entropy, wisdom, wonder, and mystery have decided to follow Brainiac's plan on Colu. Back on Earth, Green Arrow and Amanda Waller are the world's last hope. That's a pretty good way to make things seem as bleak as can be but might I suggest a way to make them bleaker for the next story, Mr. Snyder? You should have made Earth's last hope Green Arrow and Aquaman.

Team Entropy (aka as Team Beat People's Asses) stars Batman, Lex Luthor, Lobo, Deathstork, and Beast Boy. If the idea was to have the most "chaotic" characters on a team, I can see why Lobo was picked. He's Chaotic Evil, after all. And Batman is Chaotic Good (as is Beast Boy). Deathstork is probably Chaotic Neutral. But is Lex Luthor really chaotic? Maybe Neutral Evil at his worst although, being that he once became the president of the United States, I'd suspect Lawful Evil fits a bit better. Maybe Brainiac decided this team would need somebody to keep them focused and it's not like Batman can be bothered to lead another team.

Team Wonder is composed of Raven, Doctor Fate, Zatanna, Wonder Woman, and Etrigan. I guess this is just Team Magic. Apparently wonder has died on Colu because they're so into science and facts. The Tree of Wonder thrives on faith and magic and other bullshit. I was hoping it was fed on the starry eyed stares of children seeing a bunny rabbit for the first time. Although I probably shouldn't complain since DC's magic users are generally my favorite heroes. Stupid cynicism is making me forget this is my favorite team.

Team Mystery is comprised of Superman, Sinestro, Starfire, Martian Manhunter, and Starro. So basically it's Team Not-Earthlings. I'm not sure how "mystery" is one of the four major cosmic forces. This should be the cosmic force based on faith. It would become the most powerful force on a planet where everybody just shrugs their shoulders and refuses to discover how anything works because "God." He works in mysterious ways, you know!

Team Wisdom is made up of The Flash, Cyborg, Harley Quinn, The Atom, and Damian Wayne. I guess this is Team Doctorate. Sure, Cyborg doesn't actually have a degree but thanks to his constant connection to the Internet, he now knows everything there is to know and all Rule 34s that go along with it. And Damian is just wicked smart, right?

This sounds like a book written by Chuck Tingle.

Team Mystery discovers a shitload of shrunken planets in jars. To increase the amount of mystery in the universe, they decide to free the planets. I guess that increases the mystery because all of the readers are now thinking, "Ooh! I wonder what will be on those planets?!" Oh wait. That just increased the wonder. Maybe the wonder increases when Grant Morrison tells us about all of these new planets. The mystery increases when DC chooses Scott Lobdell to write about them instead. And entropy increases when Rob Liefeld does the art.

On Team Entropy, Lobo takes on the role as Beast Boy's mentor. What is it with Rebirth Lobo constantly trying to take on sidekicks? First he takes on the role of sensei with Atom and now he's taking Beast Boy under his wing? Not that I'm against it! The more heroes who learn to act like Lobo, the better!

Green Arrow and Amanda Waller discover that the Omega Titan seed on Earth has already been activated thanks to the death of Brainiac. So now when the Omega Titan arrives to destroy Earth, Green Arrow will have to shoot it in the butt with an arrow to defeat it. Goodbye, Earth!

Back on Colu, Team Entropy discover Vril Dox locked away in the deepest dungeon of a Coluan prison housing the worst villains in the galaxy. I guess that means somebody pitched a new L.E.G.I.O.N. book?

Rating: As blockbuster comic book events go, this one has a lot going for it: Lobo, Etrigan, lots of different heroes and villains that I like less than those first two, and, most of all, only running for four issues.

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New Challengers #1
By Kubert, Snyder, Gillespie, Janson, and Anderson

Talking about the differences in dead baby jokes has me thinking about the differences in humor between conservatives and liberals. It strikes me that conservative humor would find the outright vulgar dead baby jokes more appealing than the subtle ones that are doing something other than saying, "Ha ha! A baby has been killed!" Not that conservatives would ever be caught dead baby laughing at a dead baby joke! Or would they? Maybe they just don't laugh at dead fetus jokes. What I mean is that their humor resides more in the playground bully style of humor. If they can make somebody cry, it's funny. Whereas liberals laugh at things that are actually funny. When a conservative is mocking somebody, they're angry and red-faced. For their audience, this is the height of entertainment. When a liberal is mocking somebody, they've got that stupid smirk on their face and their eyes light up and they're preparing their elbows for a good poke in the listener's ribs. Of course there is some overlap between the two, especially with Trump as president of the United States. Sometimes it's just cathartic to say something like, "What's worse than 100 dead babies in the White House?" Then you don't even need to say the answer and nobody is really laughing because now they're depressed that 100 dead babies could run the country better than Donald Trump.

I traveled to Los Angeles a number of years ago to visit my friend Bobby Henline while he was getting some consultations for surgeries concerning rebuilding his eye after having been blown up in Iraq. Before the incident, he had been atheist and mostly apolitical. Afterward, he became Christian and a huge conservative. We stayed in adjoining rooms at the hotel and left the door between rooms unlocked. One morning, I was watching The Daily Show and laughing loudly. He came over to find out what I was laughing about. Upon seeing The Daily Show, he mentioned how he liked the show that followed: The Colbert Report. I didn't ask him if he thought Stephen Colbert's show was satire or not because I think I knew the answer. He mentioned that he was just in the other room watching Fox News which wasn't funny at all. I couldn't understand how somebody could have access to cable and choose to watch Fox News. Didn't he know there were channels like Comedy Central and the Game Show Network? Later in the evening, I was watching a show on space about novas and deep space and gamma ray bursts. He came over so we could drink and hang out and asked, "How do they know this stuff?" That question boggled my mind but it explained so much about people who fall for religion and right-wing propaganda. They often don't have the imagination or the patience to understand the way science builds upon all that science has learned to eventually make statements that sound fucking crazy. And they are crazy if you ignore that a fuck-ton of other science took place before the crazy sounding science could even be attempted. Much easier to think, "There's a magic being that answers all of my questions about how things work," than to have to read in-depth about evolution. Easier to think, "God thought we should see so he made the eye," than to read a ton of boring papers on how eyes developed via evolution based on light sensitive tissue and all that other stuff I don't know about because, I mean, those papers are so boring! And even if The Bible is often boring, at least it isn't overly long (I mean, it is, but who reads it all in one sitting? Besides, it's practically an abridged audiobook with a guy who reads the important parts to you every Sunday).

What I'm trying to say is "Have you seen the Game Show Network?" Fucking fantastic. I could watch it all day long.

I decided at some point in the last ten minutes that ending long rambling rants with "What I'm trying to say" is my new thing. What I'm trying to say is I've become a hack.

None of that had to do with New Challengers. I haven't even read it yet. But it was written by Scott Snyder so I already feel like I read it.

The New Challengers are a bunch of people who have just died. They've been conscripted to solve the mysteries of the universe before the tattoo hourglass on their arm runs out and their deaths become real. That's about all the information from the first issue. Everything else is there to seem mysterious. Unless you're a huge DC nerd and then maybe you know what the runed bone was and what the giant corpse lying against the mountain was and where the end of the world was and if Trina Alvarez is related to Nocenti's Detective Alvarez. The unexplained stuff did its trick though because I'm intrigued enough to buy the second issue. Although they already killed off the best member of the new team, an agent of Spyral.

Rating: It was a difficult read because my copy was only stapled to the cover by the bottom staple. Was that supposed to be the challenge?!

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Batman #47
By King, Daniel, Florea, and Morey

Rating: This is what time travel and alternate time line stories should be about. It should be how the alternate life affects the only person who experienced it. The time travel and alternate time lines should only be remembered by a single person (or more, if they can all fit inside the same time sphere). Obviously that means this isn't a Batman story. This story has little to do with Batman and it shows, at the end, when he and Catwoman sit and listen to Booster Gold explain his gift. At worst, Batman's simply confused by it. At best, he's concerned for Booster Gold's mental well-being. And why shouldn't he be? This might be the most honest version of how time travel could (and probably should!) cause the traveler PTSD. I mean after Primer, of course.

I like this story. A lot. And I don't have a lot of room in my heart for Booster Gold. I get how some people would be disappointed that this story isn't a Batman story, or how it's not serious. It's definitely presented in such a lighthearted and whimsical way that the intensity and pessimism and seriousness can easily be ignored. For some comic book readers, comic book characters should be taken as seriously as a thing that should be taken seriously. I was going to say a warm coffee enema but immediately began laughing so I knew that wasn't the right image to conjure. Although maybe it is! Because people who take that shit seriously really take it seriously even if the rest of us can't stop making jokes about it. And that, to me, is Tom King's story, "The Gift". He writes Booster Gold as the silly, Giffen/DeMatteis Justice Leaguer of the 80s but puts him through some Frank Miller shit. The reader has to begin to question how many times Booster Gold has been through horrific time travel situations like this. How many depressing alternate timelines has he had to experience? And how does he keep his shit together afterward? Maybe by treating all of space and time and existence as a joke? I mean, seriously...I've never felt more empathy toward Booster Gold than after this story arc.

As for Batman? This wasn't a Batman story. But unlike Scott Snyder, Tom King didn't spend ten pages constantly Narration Boxing, "This isn't a Batman story." Maybe that was a mistake because hardcore comic book fans (like the jerks at Weird Science Blog) didn't seem to realize it. Or maybe they were just pissed that they spent $2.99 on a Booster Gold comic book when they wanted a Batman comic book. That seems like the kind of review I'd give so I'd accept that criticism. I'm always angry when I buy a comic book that purports to be one thing and then winds up being something totally different. Some times I even resort to calling people the C-word!

* * * * * * * * * *

And Now Some Closing Words from Henry Winkler!

"Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

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Now here's the part where you leave. But not before first seeing the nerdy girl let down her hair, take off her glasses, and break her nose walking straight into a wall. Who knew she was so hot and blind without her glasses?!

Booster Gold Loves The Flintstones #1

If Prehistoric Man had any concern with animal rights, they never would have had any scientific advancements. At least according to The Flintstones which is, like, history and shit.

I don't know how many people consider these Hanna-Barbera crossovers canon. Everybody should. There's no way I can respect you if you don't now think the Banana Splits went on a mission with the Suicide Squad or that Green Lantern and Space Ghost had gay sex on the planet Krikkit or that a talking dog gave a rimjob to a talking cat. And now Mark Russell gets to write an in-continuity story about Booster Gold traveling back to The Flintstones era? If you don't have a woman boner or a male whatever happens to women when they get a boner thing happening about this comic book, you can't be my friend. You also can't be my friend on just a more reasonable level like how I probably couldn't stand listening to you. If you don't mind me saying everything and you just shut up and laugh at all the right places, it's possible we can be friends. But you also can't smell weird or look me in the eyes.

This issue begins with Booster asking Skeets if he looks sexy. I always knew Skeets had a slot for a penis! I used to tell my friends in junior high, "He's fucking that flying robot, you know!" Booster Gold is in his apartment that is either outside linear time or at Vanishing Point (which is also outside of linear time but more upscale than just "a ratty studio apartment in any buttfuck place outside linear time"). Inside his room, he has a Dodo bird as a pet and he stores all of his valuables in the Ark of the Covenant. Booster Gold might be my hero. He's got no time for your shitty time paradox theories!

Oh, apparently he lives in New New Newest Gotham in the year 2472. I bet Batman is still alive.

In 2472, Gary Gygax is considered a god and you can get a McTalon Burger at the local Food Court of Owls.

While Booster is on his date with Amy, an army of Chupacabra riding space scooters while setting people on fire with laser beams descend on the city.

The Chupacabra are apparently space aliens and not Chupacabra which they most definitely are. I suppose it doesn't matter since conspiracy theories can account for any eventuality. Obviously Chupacabra are just space aliens and not cryptoids! Anyway, Booster accesses his time computer to find that these aliens first visited Earth in the year 20,000 BC in the town of Bedrock. So that's where he goes to solve the problem! I guess he's going to find their leader and suggest that they not come back 24 thousand years in the future?

I don't know. Any noticeable bodily function that lasts that long would concern me.

Booster Gold arrives in the past right on top of the alien, cutting it in half. Well, I guess that's why they invade 24 thousand years later! That's actually a pretty fast response time in galactic times and distances.

Booster Gold's Time Sphere is ruined in the encounter so he needs some help getting it fixed. Luckily, he's met up with Fred and Barney! They always have a scheme up their butts!

Moments like these are why I love Russell's writing so much.

With the help of some of Barney's science-know-how (otherwise known as animal abuse), Booster's Time Machine's Chrono CB Radio begins working. He puts the call out for help and the only person who responds and doesn't immediately die afterward is Alfred Pennyworth from 1966. Batman has a fourth dimensional radio transceiver because why not? Luckily Alfred in 1966 knows Booster Gold for some reason. That reason was mentioned earlier where Booster Gold gives no fucks about time paradoxes.

Booster is an idiot! Due to having such a small amount in his account, Booster will undoubtedly have to pay for that savings account! The payment will be taken out of the account and subsequently begin costing him insufficient funds penalties and fees! He's going to owe the bank billions when he gets home (because the bank will never just close the account since it costs them nothing to keep it open. Banks are assholes).

Booster Gold, Barney Rubble, and Fred Flintstone are out of luck getting help from other time travelers. So they're just going to have to figure out how to power the time machine themselves. I bet five billion vacuum cleaners could do the trick.

Instead of enslaved animals, the trio use the Chupacabra's spacecraft to power Booster Gold's time sphere. While it's charging, Skeets discovers that Booster Gold caused the invasion (that's probably why he doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes. There are none! Everything just happens the way they happened and no time traveler can change it because they made it that way when they tried to change it in the first place!). Booster doesn't really care because he just wants to get back in the future to fuck Amy. But there's an error in the calculations and a huge chunk of Bedrock goes into the future with him.

Anyway, everything eventually works out in the end and Booster Gold's bank account has 3.8 billion dollars in it. I guess banks in the 1960s weren't such huge douchebags as banks are now. I blame Reagan.

The back-up story is a Jetsons story by Jimmy and Amanda. So it'll be full of sexy innuendos!

It doesn't have any sexual innuendo at all! Unless I'm supposed to believe that George Jetson eventually fucks the robot housing his mother's personality! Yeah, I can do that.

Anyway, the story is basically one of the episodes of Black Mirror.

The Ranking!
I don't rank these! But anything by Mark Russell is worth reading. The end!

Bat-mite #4

Booster Gold always freaks me out because his suit is painted on but he never has any genitals.

The last thing I dreamt before waking up was Tracy Morgan saying, "Rosario Dawson? That bitch needs to be hung up by the eyeballs." I have no idea what Dream Tracy has against Dream Rosario. I think she leaves windows open in houses which isn't the best idea in certain neighborhoods. Like the neighborhoods where it snows a lot.

The issue begins with Weed and Reagan walking into their apartment to stand aghast at what Bat-mite has done to it.

It's hilarious because it makes no sense how it got this bad! He was just making a sandwich!

Weed and Reagan deserve to have their house burn down. Who invites a stranger into their house and expects it to go well? Unless you invited the stranger to stay because you plan on turning that stranger into sausage later that night, things probably aren't going to go smoothly. You see, when you own a thing, you're careful with it because you know how much it cost you and how much you love it and how much you don't want it to become damaged. But a stranger just sees everything you own as disposable goods. It's why having children is a bad idea. Children are just strangers you're stuck with for eighteen or more years. Unless you get lucky and they run away or get kidnapped or fall out of a really tall tree.

I hope nobody who has lost children reads my commentaries because they might be offended by how I'm about to lecture them. How could you lose a child?! I get losing keys or a wallet or one sock. But a whole child?! How irresponsible and imperceptive do you have to be to lose a child? Just the amount of noise they create should make it easy to find them. Did you check between the couch cushions?

I lost a child once while "helping" at a wedding. It was unavoidable because I was watching The Little Mermaid while also watching an open door to keep the kids from walking out of the building. But The Little Mermaid was far more interesting than the kid who went under my outstretched legs and made a break for it. That kid shouldn't have been so boring. Maybe I would have noticed him! Luckily some woman who wasn't mesmerized by The Little Mermaid for some reason noticed and kept the kid from escaping forever. Unluckily, I had to slink out of the room and go bus tables while avoiding eye contact with anybody who might have been the child's parents or heard the story from that awful woman who didn't like The Little Mermaid. She may have saved the day but at what cost?! Who doesn't like The Little Mermaid?!

Booster Gold drops by because he needs to make a Scooby Doo joke and he also needs Bat-mite's help and maybe some genitals. Either set. I don't know why the absence of cameltoe or mooseknuckle in a skin tight outfit disturbs me so much but it fucking does, okay?! Nobody should be that smooth down there when I can see a perfect outline of their abs and ribs and all the muscles I never bothered to learn the names of because I don't think I have most of them.

Bat-mite teleports Booster out of the apartment to battle him. But he soon realizes Booster Gold is a good guy who actually needs his help. Booster is looking for Gridlock. He's the guy that's basically Dan Jurgens in comic book form. He doesn't want the world to change and laments the day the calendar switched from 1989 to 1990. He realizes that 1990 was still technically part of the "eighties" but preferred to think of the eighties as 1980-1989 the way that everybody does. Can't we all just agree to accept that the first decade of our current calendar was only nine years long? That way the years in every decade after go from "0 to 9" instead of "1 to 0." It would just make me feel better.

This "Booster/Buster" joke is acceptable because new people are being created every day and some of them have yet to read it.

I'm fairly certain Booster Gold is the only guy in comicsdom that ever gets called "Buster."

Booster Gold needs to stop Dan "Gridlock" Jurgens before he can stop time's forward momentum and wind it back to the eighties where people will be able to understand all of his dated references. Because they won't be dated anymore! They'll be timely!

Before Bat-mite helps Booster find Gridlock, he has to rehash all of the old jokes about Booster Gold's name from Dan Jurgens' initial Booster Gold run. Bat-mite also gives Booster Gold a makeover so he looks grimmer and is more death friendly. Dan Jurgens is still dealing with the changes made to comic books in the nineties. Just wait until he hears about this whole New 52 thing!

Do I smell a Beverly Hillbillies joke on the horizon?

After the makeover, Bat-mite finally takes Booster Gold to Gridlock's lair so that Booster Gold can save time. Or whatever he does. Maybe he's just doing this to earn some lucrative endorsement deal.

The big fight takes place but Gridlock gets away because this isn't Issue #6. But Booster Gold steals all of Gridlock's things. That seems like a dick move. It's not like Gridlock stole this shit. He was even keeping it well-preserved. Who's the real villain here?

After the battle, Booster Gold leaves because I guess he saved time by stealing all of Gridlock's toys and comic books. But before he leaves, he gives Bat-mite a copy of Reagan's photo album which Bat-mite torched a few hours earlier while making a sandwich. And Bat-mite gives it back to Reagan who appreciates it so much that she forgives Bat-mite for destroying it and tells him he can live with her and Weed forever. That seems a bit much. I can understand feeling gratitude but he was the one who destroyed it in the first place. And he's shown he has no respect for Weed and Reagan's things. I would probably kick him out and never speak to him again. But nicely and in a way that didn't cause him to think he needed to make it up to me.

Bat-mite #4 Rating: No change. This comic book is Dan Jurgens message to comic book fans, publishers, artists, and writers that they need to embrace change in the medium. It seems a bit ironic that Dan Jurgens is the person working this theme in his comic book since he still writes everything as if it were taking place in 1986. But I don't blame him for dropping references that can only be understood by old farts like me. All we have at our disposal is the shit that's permeated our skull and seeped into our brain over the time we've been extant. Jurgens may even be poking fun at himself because he's really a dinosaur in the comic field today. But at least he understands that comic books shouldn't be the same as they were in the nineties, or eighties, or whatever decade came before that. This entire story has been about change and makeovers (even if those makeovers themselves were distinctly out-of-date). At one point this issue, Booster Gold says to Gridlock, "You don't get to force your culture down the throats of the young." It's a silly comic with a lot of jokes that rely on knowledge of television shows from the eighties and earlier but I can get behind the message. Those people who complain about changes in comic books and characters? Just remember that those changes aren't for you and you won't be able to stop them from happening by ranting and raving. But you can write funny jokes about them and point out when they're fucking ridiculous! Like how Wally West was made into a troubled black youth from a broken home! Hilariously stereotypical misstep, DC Comics!

Convergence: Booster Gold #2

Booster Gold is two feet taller than Superman due to being from the 25th Century and the expansion of the universe. I don't know why the 30th Century guys are so small. Maybe the universe started to collapse by then?

This issue begins with Booster Gold's reaction to Blue Beetle's appearance at the end of last issue. He says, "The Blue Beetle...alive? But that's...impossible!" That seems like a silly statement for a time traveler that discovered the multiverse to make. Why would he be surprised by anything? Just like last issue where Rip Hunter was surprised that a universe existed where Wonder Woman was fucking Superman. Why would he be surprised?! This leads me to believe that DC Comics demanded two things never happen prior to The New 52: Blue Beetle must remain dead forever in all incarnations, and Superman and Wonder Woman could never do the adult pee-pee dance. But I think it was okay, and necessary for all existence, that Blue Beetle and Booster Gold do the adult pee-pee dance.

Booster Gold collapses from Chronal Indigestion so Blue Beetle tenderly gathers him up in his arms and takes him aboard the Bug. I sense a sexy Florence Nightingale scenario coming up.

Meanwhile in the part of the story that isn't interesting because it doesn't involve the original Super Buddies, Booster and Rip tell Goldstar to shut up.

Not cool, guys. She's only pointing out that the reason y'all are there in the first place has left and now y'all can leave too and don't have to get your asses kicked by Superboy.

None of this comic book really matters except the part where Booster Gold gets to hang out with his best friend again after so many years. So I'm just going to skip this other stuff that's just going to lead to them finding that ridiculous Waverider and eventually finding their way to Convergence #8 where they'll do next to nothing to help advance the plot along because, in the end, Booster Gold doesn't matter as much as he thinks he does.

Back at the lab, Blue Beetle runs some tests on Booster Gold which fail to explain anything. But Booster Gold explains how Chronal Indigestion is killing him because his body keeps trying to digest food he eats in one time which disappears when he time travels so his body has begun to consume itself. He's also constantly leaking watery shit from his rectum. I think it was that last revelation that convinced Blue Beetle that he should keep his mask on the entire time he's hanging out with his best friend of all times.

Booster Gold collapses right about the same time that Booster Gold, Goldstar, and Rip Hunter break into the lab. The plan is to take Booster Gold to Vanishing Point where he'll be able to find all of the food he lost during his travel and incorporate it into his system which should negate the Chronal Indigestion.

While they're discussing how to save Booster Gold by throwing him into a vault in Vanishing Point in which nobody can survive, Skeets drops a huge secret!

Holy shit! Booster Gold is Skeets' father!

But that's not the biggest bombshell of the issue!

Holier shits! Booster Gold is his own father!

Well, it's obvious what huge reveal this whole Convergence thing has been leading up to now! Booster Gold is everybody's father! I fucking knew it!

Booster Gold is transformed into Waverider which means I'm going to have to go back and read Zero Hour (or whatever fucking Cosmic Crisis mini-series he appeared in! Who can remember them all?!) and see if it makes sense with this new revelation! I'm willing to bet it was totally planned! Plus as Waverider, it is actually feasible that Booster Gold is everybody's father! He's got a ton of impregnating to do!

Convergence: Booster Gold #2 Rating: 6 Retcons out of 10. This whole giving bullshit numbers to my enjoyment of the comic book doesn't really work because I don't experience joy. The only time the comic books really entertain me is when I can make fun of them! I'm less a fan and critic of comic books and more a fan of myself. So my rating actually reflects how much effort I put into commenting on this comic book. Six out of ten seems about right. Convergence has really knocked the wind out of me! I think I need to take a break from comic books and work on some other projects for awhile. I wonder if DC will put their entire line on hiatus so that I won't fall months behind on my reading!

Divergence: Earth 2 Society
"The survivors of Earth-2's war with Apokolips find themselves in a comic book with a stupid fucking name."

Society? Why the fuck is this book called Society? It sounds like a shitty social media app for boring, needy assholes that aren't spiritual so they don't have church and they aren't drunks so they don't have AA and they aren't in school so they don't have classmates and they're unlikable so they don't have family. Does this sound like you? Join "Society" where you'll get a daily dose of affirmation from a bunch of people you probably couldn't stand to look at or listen to in person!

The story begins a year after Planet Brainiac was transformed into New Earth 2. New Gotham has risen up around the crashed remains of the TSS Endurance so it's basically Macross. And Metropolis is now called Neotropolis. I bet that's so the Silver Banshee can take over later and redub it Necrotropolis.

Helena Wayne has become the enemy of Green Lantern because she has a machine that can terraform New Earth 2 into Old Earth 2. I guess that would take away Alan Scott's feeling of self-worth and accomplishment even if the whole idea of the Genesis Machine was to save Earth 2. I think Alan Scott is the bad guy here. He's definitely acting pretty selfish. I guess Power Girl agrees with Green Lantern because God forbid any friendships exist in the New DCyou. At least DC dropped The New 52 label so all the butthurt fans can come slinking back pretending to still have their dignity for having successfully boycotted the Evil Version of DC Comics. And by "successfully boycotted," I mean made a big stink about how horrible The New 52 was while still only reading and judging the company by their solicits and ranting about the racist and misogynistic practices of DC Comics from the various pieces of misinformation they picked up on Tumblr.

New Earth-2 orbits a binary star system composed of a yellow sun and a red sun. That means that Power Girl is fucked. I guess.

Red Suns warp her body and deflate her breasts. They must be flat or the "S" symbol would be warped by the contours of her breasts.

The Sneak Peek ends with Helena Wayne summoning Jimmy Olsen in his new role as Doctor Impossible. He's going to defeat Green Lantern to give Helena enough time to push one single button to start the terraformation. I guess the button is really sticky.

Convergence: Booster Gold #1

Booster Gold seems out of place in this week's group of comics.

Wasn't Booster Gold created after Crisis On Infinite Earths? I know, I know. Let me ask Lord Google for you. I can do it on my own, thanks.

Yes, Booster Gold's first appearance was in Booster Gold #1 released in 1986. So it's odd that he gets his Convergence issue on a week that's dealing with mostly Pre-Crisis Earth-2 heroes. This must also be leftovers week since it's the last week of issues. Also, Booster Gold shouldn't be trapped in any of these cities because he has to complete his destiny as time traveler extraordinaire who will completely, once and for all, fix the DC Universe's timeline. I think the only way that's possible is to murder everybody that has ever been a fan of DC Comics and then start over with a new generation of nerds.

This issue's fight card is Skartaris versus Vanishing Point. Vanishing Point is the place where time ends or something. It's the place Brainiac found by torturing Booster Gold so that Brainiac could travel through every point in time and collect lots of new and really rare chase cities of the DC Universe. Skartaris is Warlord's world where all of DC's characters that have time powers are being held. It's also the city that's important in the regular Convergence comic series, so Booster Gold is, once again, more important than anybody thinks. I think Booster is going to always be shown as having the most unfulfilled potential but, being comic books, he's never going to get to fill that potential. Unless he was seen fulfilling it in a One Million issue. That's about how long it'll take before he stops being a goofball.

The issue begins with Booster Gold dreaming about how he first came back to the past while Brainiac's disgusting pink hose is hooked to the back of his neck. He wakes up because Skeets and Rip Hunter have forgotten how to use doors. So they're just like every other super hero in existence. Does nobody have any time to walk down a hallway to check the door and see if it's locked? Must they always blast through a fucking wall or crash through a window?

This is funny because Booster named him and Booster comes up with dumb names. For example: Booster Gold.

The Booster Gold Rip and Skeets are looking for is the one with the ARGUS patch on his chest. He's Rip's actual father. I bet Rip is Booster's father! That's not a paradox. That's a pornography.

Rip Hunter is all, "We have to stop the person behind kidnapping time travelers before they find Vanishing Point!" And Booster Gold is all, "Um. Yeah! We can't let them know that! I hope they haven't already found it on their own through diligent research and careful study!" And Skeets is all, "Beep beep doop! What did you do, BG?!"

Rip and Booster and Skeets begin to search Castle Deimos for the responsible Booster Gold (or irresponsible since, using Rip Hunter as evidence, he brought a kid into this multiverse). While they skulk about, they have discussions to help explain the coming DC Universe to all the kiddies reading.

The New 52 is all that matters, kids! But when the label disappears from the covers, go ahead and keep believing you have your old universe back.

I believe after Convergence ends, DC Comics will leave their multiverse open to the possibilities of stories from every alternate version of their universe across their entire history as a company. But I think they're also setting up this idea that just the one, The New 52, somehow matters. It's a way of trying to satisfy every kind of DC Comics fan that exists. I don't think it's a bad idea. People who love hard continuity can still concentrate on The New 52 continuity which will be the backbone of the company. But people who love all of the other crazy fucking stories that would fuck up continuity will still get to read their stories and they'll still sort of fit in to the overall DC Universe. They won't be "outside" of continuity. They'll just be relegated to a part of the universe that has no effect on continuity. Although they still have the potential to be part of The New 52 universe because New 52 characters will be able to appear in all of these other places in the same way that Barry Allen first visited Earth-2. I have a feeling DC might be headed to a more casual, less rigorously structured Pre-Crisis kind of universe. I'd be happy about that kind of comic book multiverse.

Booster, Rip, and Skeets discover a beautifully constructed action figure collector's case containing a nearly complete set of Time Traveler Action Figures. All that's missing is Rip Hunter because Rip is too cool for school. Also Rip rules while Brainiac drools.

Rip frees Booster Dad and Aunt Goldstar from the prison. Now maybe Booster Dad will explain what his mission was that caused him to begin bouncing around timelines and teleporting from dome to dome. That was a dangerous mission because it put him inside a Scott Lobdell comic book. *shudder*

This is about as much as we'll ever get in the "Booster wasn't a total jagoff" story. Proof that he mattered. Mostly, he'll just remain a bumbling idiot.

Booster Dad disappears again as his "chronal affliction" sends him bouncing from domed city to domed city. He never mentions what his mission was. Maybe it was to find The New 52 universe? Or maybe it was to have sex with Rip Hunter so they can give birth to themselves?

Booster Gold, Rip, Skeets, and their new companion Goldstar leave Skartaris because they're attacked by a bunch of lizard people. They also need to find Booster Dad who flip-flopped into the 31st century Metropolis dome. Rip Hunter has a device that lets him enter (and presumably exit) the domes. The only problem is that, after being trapped together for a year, the people of Metropolis recognize strangers when they see them. Legion attacks them thinking they must be their jailers if they're able to enter the dome. I suppose I might come to that conclusion too if I were only a 9th Level Intellect.

As Booster Gold talks Underoos with Superboy, Goldstar finds her brother. But he blinks out again only to wind up in his home timeline of Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis.

Next Issue: more cocksucking and rim-jobs than you could ever imagine!

Convergence: Booster Gold #1 Rating: This comic is the only one of the forty convergence comic books that takes place entirely before the domes fall. I imagine that Rip and Booster might save the day before the day even needs saving at this rate! Time travelers are so lucky. I suppose this (sort of) explains why Scott Lobdell had to play the Futures End scene with the dome still up even though Booster Gold is a time traveler and all. His trips from dome to dome don't have to take place in a linear fashion, right? I suppose it was just cleaner, editorial-wise, to allow the Charlton characters to get their powers back for the Booster scene. It's also possible that the disturbance caused by Booster's arrival and departure is actually what gave them all their powers, and not Ted's lasering the dome. It still doesn't explain the shitty dialogue though.

Who wants to bet that Booster Gold gets his own series in 2016 to celebrate his 30th anniversary? And I bet Ted Kord, who does exist in the New 52 universe, becomes Blue Beetle about that time, maybe six months prior. And who wants to bet that Giffen, DeMatteis, and Jurgens are the creative team?

By Scribbly Jibbet.

Justice League 3000 #12

How the hell did this book not get canceled in the recent wave of cancellations?

Not that I want this book to be canceled! It's fairly entertaining and it takes place in the year 3000 so DeMatteis and Giffen can practically do whatever the fuck they want without hurting continuity. I know some people care about that kind of thing.

Last issue, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold were found on Old Earth That Was which is now called Takron-Galtos. They were snuggled up nice and cozy in a queen sized cryogenic container. Now they've got to figure out how they're going to survive in the 31st Century! Hopefully they'll also find a way to change the title on this comic book from Justice League 3000 to Blue and Gold 3000.

This reminds me. Why isn't Oberon hanging out with Mister Miracle over on Earth-2?

Booster and Beetle wander around the prison planet unescorted because they've never been known to wander into crazy hijinks before. Although this issue is called "Another Fine Mess," so I think that explicitly states that crazy hijinks are eminent.

Some guy on Takron-Galtos found one of Beetle's suits from when he was overweight and has been wearing it around chasing down no-goodniks on the prison planet. The Convert warns him to stay away from Booster and Beetle because Terri (or Terry?) wants them for study later.

Cameos by Starro, Despero, Frankenstein, and J'onn J'onzz happily munching his oreos.

Are these two just going to go around cracking wise with each other or are they going to get to the bottom of the mystery? You know the mystery? The Mystery of the Preboot Super Buddies Winding Up In The New 52 Future! Maybe the reason they're here is part of The Secret Six's secret!

Meanwhile on Camelot Nine, Wonder Woman gets a centerfold of her hugging demons. And by hugging I mean massacring. It's two sides of the same sword. Kissing. Killing. Practically the same word!

Booster and Beetle find Ted's old stash along with his extra Bug. But it's been upgraded because the pudgy Blue Beetle's father probably found the pudgy Blue Beetle's suit in this hole along with all of this other pudgy Blue Beetle gear.

So far, this is the most exciting thing to happen in fifteen pages!

As they admire Beetle's forged Superman memento, pudgy Blue Beetle attacks!

See? I knew pudgy was the right word!

Beetle and Booster run from Pudgy Blue Beetle because he has Doc Ock claws on his suit and the keys to the overhauled Bug. But they get stopped in their tracks by gigantic mutant rats. And that's where the issue ends except for the Next Issue Blurb.

What could it possibly mean?!

Justice League 3000 #12 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this issue was how Keith and J.M. just completely abandoned any pretense that this comic book was about the future Justice League and just fucked around with Teddy and Mikey (unless he'd rather go by Jonny?) all issue. Not a lot happened and it was the typical goofy back and forth between these two slackers but I think that's all this issue needed to be.

Futures End #17

Just stand on solid ground, you super showoff.

What could possibly be DC's end game for this Futures End arc? None of the stuff that takes place five years in the future will have any bearing on the regular comics that take place in the NOW continuity. So what's the big payoff? How's this going to change the face of DC's present by presenting a huge conflict that takes place five years from now in a DC Universe that will never come to pass? I suspect some hero (or villain) from the future will wind up in DC's present. Perhaps this will end with a Booster Gold/Rip Hunter Brave and the Bold series! They'll be Time Cops! Or just go around fixing things that have suddenly gone wrong in the past which makes sense if you don't think about it for very long or you were a fan of Voyagers. Hopefully the new series won't end when Rip Hunter picks up a gun filled with blanks, says, "Watch this!", and then pretends to shoot himself in the head, thereby actually shooting himself in the head with the blank's discharge and killing himself. I'll go on record saying that was the one suicide that truly upset me because I fucking loved that show! And it wasn't an actual suicide! So kind of like Heathers how everybody was upset with all the suicides that weren't real but never even noticed the one suicide that was.

This issue picks up with Constantine and his pals, Tommy and Annika Midge, in Africa hunting an ancient alien. But they need to hurry because the ancient alien is being stalked by The Mighty Morphin' Anger Ranger. And the Anger Ranger kills everything it encounters, so Constantine and his crew need to step it up. Also, Tommy is shown without his sunglasses on and his eyes aren't horrible black monster eyes, so he's not who I was hoping for.

The scene shifts to Cadmus Island which sucks because I want to follow Constantine's story. You see, Constantine has just revealed that ancient, hyper-technological civilizations existed long before our current culture's recorded history begins. But these civilizations were killed by something from outer space, perhaps a singing plant? And that thing, that possible singing plant, is back! Also the singing plant might be Brainiac except that's the answer that one would expect with everybody becoming part robot so I really hope somebody else is controlling Brainiac. Although if it is somebody else, it's probably the Anti-Monitor since DC loves and hates the whole infinite worlds model and can't ever quite figure out what to do about it.

Anyway, back on Cadmus, a break out of the Twofers has just occurred.

And they're, along with Grifter, being controlled by someone.

Later Emiko and Big Barda meet up with Diggle because they're going to assault Cadmus Island and kill whoever is running the whole damn thing. Might be Faraday. Might be the father of Tim Drake's girlfriend, Madison. Might be Superman! The real Superman, not the phoney baloney chump on the cover.

The pacing of Futures End is awful. It's been seventeen issues and the readers have been given virtually nothing. Often it's the same scenes being played out over and over again with little to no reveal at all. Sure, we now know that Constantine is hunting an alien that knows something about ancient civilizations and, probably, what destroyed them and, maybe, why it's back as opposed to just thinking he was investigating crop circles. But is that really a significant amount of answers across seventeen issues? Rampage just keeps rampaging each issue. Fifty Sue keeps fucking with Grifter. Lois Lane ponders the mysterious objects that were mailed to her. Tim Drake keeps denying he was a Teen Titan. And The Key and his gang keep not breaking into Terrifitech. If this was the planned pacing of this thing so that the big reveals could coincide with Futures End Month, somebody should have gone back to the planning board. Is that a thing? A planning board? Perhaps this series should have been started at the beginning of August because I think four issues would have been sufficient to pass along all the plot points that have been revealed over the sixteen issues that have already come out.

Speaking of Rampage rampaging, here we go again!

Lois Lane is saved by Superman because Lois Lane always relies on Superman saving her. Sure, she can handle herself in pretty fucked up situations. But her confidence to fight back and survive comes with the knowledge that as soon as her own wits betray her, Superman will swoop in and save the day. I wish I knew that I had some supreme back-up plan that would always get me out of trouble! Just imagine the shit I'd get up to! I'd probably even go outside of the house once in awhile!

This made me giggle immaturely.

Once Superman is about to get his ticket punched by Rampage, and Lois gets knocked unconscious (or killed seeing as how Rampage punched her in the head), he does the last thing he can think of to save himself. He says, "Shazam!" Why would Booster Gold say that?

Do you think kids today even know what I mean when I said "get his ticket punched"? Do tickets still get punched anywhere? Did kids today even know what trains are?!

When Superman says the magic word, lightning flies down and knocks out Rampage. It also transforms Booster Gold into a kid named Billy. That's odd. I think that might be a continuity error.

And finally, Constantine and Tommy and Midge encounter the alien they've been hunting. And since they find him now that the identity of Superman has been revealed (although I think there was a printing error because Booster had dark hair), it's not too hard to figure out who the alien is. Especially when the comic book tells you.

They just used a comic book filter on an actual photograph of Henry Cavill here, didn't they?

Futures End #17 Rating: No change. I suppose it's no surprise that Superman is actually Shazam since they're equals on the strength and invulnerability scale. Plus I mentioned last issue how he kept talking like an adolescent boy, so that should have been a clue! But these days, I don't like following the evidence presented in front of me. I figure if coming up with an assumption and ignoring all the evidence that doesn't point in the direction your gut has wandered off in is good enough for American police officers, then it's good enough for me! So once I decided it was Booster Gold, it was fucking Booster Gold. I still believe that Harvest is Future Vampire Tim Drake! I thought it up so it must be true! Why would my brain think something that isn't real? That's scary nonsense when you think about it! People can be convinced of all sorts of things that aren't true! How do we know what's real when our brain is interpreting everything incorrectly?! Good thing every single thing I think actually has a basis in reality. Anyway, now that Booster Gold has made an appearance, things should really get moving! Although I really thought his name was Jon and not Billy. Weird.

All Star Western #21

Is Booster Gold going to accidentally bring Jonah Hex into the future?

This issue begins with Jonah Hex and Booster Gold high tailing it back to town with the Deadly Bounty Hunters close on their heels. The Dwarf gets shot in the head immediately so that nobody has to worry about his murdering ass anymore. And then as Jonah gets behind the Gatling Gun, the inevitable western moment approaches. That's when the heroes in a runaway wagon approach a cliff. It can't be helped because no matter where you are in the southwest, you're never at the lowest point. Just ask the Grand Canyon! Which the bottom of might be the lowest point. But nobody ever has to deal with a runaway wagon at the bottom of the Grand Canyon!

I suppose this will be the moment that Booster Gold realizes he's wearing a Legion Flight Ring. At least it'll be the moment where he learns what the Legion Flight Ring is for.

Forget flying! They should time travel!

Which is what they do! Booster Gold informs Jonah Hex that he should keep his seat in an upright position and make sure his tray table is up and all baggage is safely stowed under the seat in front of him. Also, he mentions how he should probably hang on to Booster Gold. But just like when I travel, Jonah doesn't listen to fuck all and ignores all the safety procedures. Instead, he punches Booster Gold in the face and falls away from him to land in a different place and time.

Jonah Hex is awakened by some Steampunk cosplayers in a subway tunnel in a modern city. Probably Gotham since he's going to fight Batwing. I'm pretty good at putting clues together. If you tell me two plus two equals four, I can tell you that two plus two also equals four. My equation had the twos reversed, in case you weren't sure of the difference. It's just that kind of special brand of logic that I bring to life! Can't fool me!

I'm pretty sure Nodell's is a drag club like Portland's Darcelle's. Which is why Snyder and Capullo are headlining.

A cry for help leads Jonah into an alley where a gang of muties are mugging some tourists. Do I recognize these guys from somewhere? The Dark Knight Returns, maybe? Yeah, that's it. Now I never watched Batman Beyond, so were these kinds of gangs in that show as well? I wish Jonah Hex could have entered the pages of Transmetropolitan. I want to see him team up with Spider Jerusalem now.

Jonah Hex doesn't have time for your suggestions.

After Jonah kills all of the gang members, the Gotham City Police roll up and merely add to the confusion, in some ways I wouldn't have even considered.

Out of all the things you're confused by, Jonah--the lights, the cars, the Tasers, the airplanes--it's the black police officer that you question first. Coming from 19th Century America, that's understandable.

Speaking of racism and prejudice, I played some Call of Duty on Saturday night outside of Party Chat. I sometimes forget how many assholes play first person shooters because I tend to only play with my friends and in Party Chat so we don't have to listen to anybody else. For those of you who don't know how it works, a bunch of random people are brought together into a lobby before the game starts. When people are talking, you can see the microphone icon next to their name. People may talk trash to each other at this point and it's mostly annoying shit that they think is the most clever thing ever said outside of Oscar Wilde's parlor. But when the game begins, the screen changes to a loading screen where you can't see who is speaking. And that's when people feel brave enough to let their true racist selves go to town so that they won't be reported. At this point, all you hear are a bunch of people letting loose with "YOU BUNCH OF FAGGOT NIGGERS!" and variants of that phrase. Pretty much exclusively variants of that phrase. What's really depressing is that I've been playing Xbox First Person Shooters for about seven years now and none of this shit has changed. The only thing that's changed is Xbox giving players options to not have to hear these pricks. Too bad those idiot assholes don't realize their voice sounds the same on that screen as on the screens that show who is talking. Because as soon as I hear them brag about some great shot and it's that voice that screeched out nonsense during the loading screen, I file a report. It's not much but fuck their cowardly asses.

Also, I'm pretty fucking good at Call of Duty so kicking their asses is always pretty satisfying.

Now I wish my Xbox Gamer Tag was Jonah Hex instead of The Red Lizard!

Enough about powerless youths trying desperately to gain some kind of power through hateful language. Time to get back to Jonah Hex's power struggle in Future Gotham.

Hey Batwing! I was just speaking of racial insensitivity!

I wonder if Marvel has any Nazi superheroes that go around fighting crime while wearing their Nazi uniform? I suppose this isn't much different except for the fact that Jonah Hex isn't a superhero. He's just this guy, you know? Because he generally seems to fight for the underdog and against corruption and assholes, I've never really thought much about his beliefs. I just assumed he fought for the South because he was from the South or that he was conscripted somehow or maybe he was drunk and signed up by accident. But hell. I suppose he could be a racist asshole too, couldn't he?

Batwing questions Hex as they brawl because Hex is using antique guns and talking about Amadeus Arkham and mentioning the Crime Bible and the Court of Owls and just generally presenting himself as another Batshit loonybird from Gotham. Batwing knocks him out after learning his name (I don't know if Batwing doesn't believe it because it's a crazy name or because Batwing has actually heard of Jonah Hex) and Jonah wakes up in a straight jacket in Arkham Asylum as Arkham Inmate #1857.

Fuck this comic book is some good comic book shit.

Meanwhile the Stormwatch back-up story that wasn't what I thought it was going to be and has completely disappointed me by hardly being about Jenny Freedom at all is about to wrap up. The Virgin Doctor Thirteen was just about to get his throat torn out by Mircalla Nosferata. Unless her name was something different since I'm just guessing at it!

Apparently Doctor Thirteen wasn't as virginal as the rumors would have had Nosferata believe. Or he's a big proponent of eating tons and tons of garlic.

Yep. Turns out he's been eating a buttload of garlic (again, I must point out, I know the expression is "boatload" but I vastly prefer to say "buttload"). Some kind of nutrition regimen that's also meant to kill rats. He's a weird guy. I love him.

I don't know a whole lot about Master Gunfighter although he seems to be of the Blade variety. But simply having Jenny Freedom and Doctor Thirteen on this version of Stormwatch could carry a full length comic book. I'm ready for it! They just have to replace Adam One with some other 19th Century character. Like Bat Lash!

When the Queen Vampire dies, the rest just begin to explode. And then the cavern crashes down on top of the City of Gold and the three Crystal Skulls of Boundless Rule which Adam was after. And which he was more than willing to sacrifice Doctor Thirteen for. Which has left Doctor Thirteen a wee bit upset.

Fisticuffs!

The team decide to ditch Adam One without his horse and without his clothes. Seems a sensible plan to me. And then Jenny Freedom offers to remove the virginity from Doctor Thirteen. I was hoping she'd bring it up seeing as how she's Jenny Freedom and thus free of any sexual hang-ups as well as everything else. Have some fun with the stodgy old virgin!

This final chapter of 19th Century Stormwatch is the story I was hoping for from the beginning! Too much time was wasted recruiting one after the other and then last issue I don't remember very well but I think there was fighting and stuff. But this one had the makings of a great Stormwatch team! These members are interesting and fun! I don't know when they'll be back but I really look forward to seeing them again.

All Star Western #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I loved everything about this issue. Bravo, DC! More of this stuff! I wonder if Booster Gold is back in the normal NOW of DC Time? Just in time for The Trinity War! He and Skeets need to play a part.

All Star Western #20

That's a stupid gang name! "The Deadly Bounty Hunters!" I can think up a better name than that while vomiting blood! But since I'm not currently vomiting blood, I can't think of any better names.

Today is Wednesday which is the first day of my always very long weekend. It's the day that many people would call my Friday so I decided to listen to Rebecca Black's "Friday" on Youtube. I'm not one of those haters who hate the song and/or Rebecca. I actually like it. It's catchy and the lyrics are completely inane. But it's naive and innocent and unpretentious. It's Rebecca Black just being true to Rebecca Black. Anyway, I wrote a stanza for my Friday! I hope you enjoy it!

"Gotta read a comic gotta write a review gonna pee in my pants and drink more tea gonna have fish for breaaaaakfast!
It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get drunk on Friday! Masturbating masturbating masturbating yeah! Fun fun fun fun fun!"

After that amazing bit of revelation, I decided to write a parenting book as well. That goes something like this:

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Guide to Parenting

Chapter One:
The Kids.

Fuck them.

Chapter Two: NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERT!

Okay, now I'm going to read All Star Western.

So I was wondering why the cover wasn't Jonah Hex and Booster Gold against the Clem Hootkins Gang. Well, it turns out the Clem Hootkins Gang went and got themselves catched by some satanists.

Or some Norwegians. I really can't tell the difference.

Elsewhere (though not Elsewhere elsewhere as in a comic book that flaunts the rules of DC's continuity), Jonah Hex and Booster Gold are talking about fashion. You see, the main thing Jonah wants to know is how Booster Gold pisses and shits while wearing that full length rubber doohickey of an outfit. Booster either doesn't want to tell him or he simply can't remember since he's suffering from memory loss. Although his memory of Jonah Hex's history was retained. Whatever happened to him probably simply affected his short-term memory. Let's hope for Booster's sake, he forgets Ted so he doesn't have to cry himself to sleep every night. And since Booster is wearing an outfit that leaves nothing to anybody's imagination (I guess they still have to imagine what his internal organs look like), Jonah Hex wants to know what the women wear. Booster can remember Yoga Pants but he can't remember what he did in the future or why he's wearing the stupid blue and gold outfit.

Booster Gold and Jonah Hex stumble upon a flock wake of vultures devouring a brouhaha of gang members. Clem Hootkins Gang members, to be precise! That previous sentence also would have worked with an apostrophe and a lowercase "g"! Booster Gold believes that this turn of events indicates a mystery that needs to be solved! Jonah Hex sees it as his job done for him. He begins collecting the dead bodies to turn in for the bounty. The only gang member that is missing is the dwarf with the Gatling gun. I think the Bounty Hunters kept him as a trophy. That's racist in some way that doesn't have anything to do with race because the dwarf isn't a Roller Playing Game Dwarf! I think the word I might be looking for is prejudiced or fucking bullshit.

Where do I go to pick up my Social Justice Tumblr Trophy for half-assedly coming to the murdering dwarf's defense and not making any dwarf jokes because that's insensitive and I totally know better than to make jokes about anybody for their appearance? Seriously, they have to give those out, right? The one thing I learned from Christianity is that you get a fucking reward for acting good! Now give it to me, dammit!

One missing dwarf doesn't stop Hex from getting down to business anyway.

Hex just hit the fucking lottery with all of these free heads to take in for reward. But Booster still needs his help recovering the gold that was stolen from town. Whoever killed the Clem Hootkins Gang (the Deadly Bounty Hunters, I bet!) took the town's wealth. Booster Gold can't remember much before he traveled back in time but he does seem to remember that he was a law person. Or the big star on his chest has him convinced he was. So Booster offers to share the town's money with Jonah Hex if Hex will help him. I think Hex agrees simply because it means he gets to shoot more people in the face and one thing that never gets old for Jonah Hex is reloading his gun after he's used the previous bullets to shoot someone in the face. It's his most favoritest thing in the world!

That reminds me of one of my favorite short stories of all time by my most favorite writer, Grunion Guy! It's called "Shoot Out in the Old West". That was a link to the story if you were wondering why the font was a different color from the rest of the font. And if the font was the same color, you probably have your browser settings set to "Fuck Everyone Else That Uses My Laptop."

I wish Blue Beetle were here right now!

Meanwhile, the World's Deadliest Bounty Hunters engage in some very sexy mutilation while the dwarf gets to watch. Fucking lucky dwarf. With that kind of luck, I bet he's the asshole that took Captain K'rot's leg! You know, in some wacky time travel caper.

It's not as sexy when seen through Booster's Gogglevision.

Jonah Hex's plan is to shoot everybody and take the gold. Booster's plan is to take the gold and not shoot everybody. So they compromise! Booster Gold takes the gold when everyone is asleep but the lousy dwarf, thinking Booster isn't going to save him, wakes up the camp which means Jonah Hex is probably going to have to shoot everybody. Hopefully Booster Gold will remember he can fly and he has a force field.

He does! Or maybe the force field simply works when it needs to work. Maybe it's the Skeets Penis Implant Booster had installed after Flashpoint. Booster simply walks off with the gold and the Gatling Gun and the dwarf after everybody is done shooting their useless bullets. Booster Gold tells them he's the sheriff of Red River Junction. Booster seems to think this is a threat as opposed to directions for the head Deadly Bounty Hunter to follow when he sobers up. Afterward he rides out to meet up with Hex who decided not to partake of a stupid plan that didn't have any killing in it.

I'm pretty sure the townsfolk are going to decide to tie this little shit to a tree and take turns on the Gatling gun.

The back-up Stormwatch feature finally brings all the members of Stormwatch together for a little action in "The Lost City of Gold"! Why is it people always lose the most valuable cities? I've never heard of a lost city of adobe. Although I guess if you lost a city of adobe, you wouldn't really give much of a fuck about it. "Oh well! I'll just build another one right over here."

Stormwatch has come in search of an artifact located in the City of Gold. Also located in the City of Gold is the ancient vampire Mircalla Nosferata and her brood of bloodsuckers. The vampires attack and Dr. Thirteen doesn't believe in them so they disappear and Stormwatch wins!

No, no. What actually happens is Mircalla exposes the fact that Dr. Thirteen is a virgin and then tries to drink his blood so her greatest wish can come true! That wish is that people will spell "vampire" as "vampyr" and everybody can act like pretentious wanks.

All Star Western #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if Dr. Thirteen is a virgin because he doesn't believe in vaginas? He probably hears people speak of them and poo poos their very existence, having only first hand experience of his own wang. In other news, Booster Gold and Jonah Hex are a fun team. In your face, Amadeus!