Justice League Quarterly #10 (Spring 1993)

Booster Gold after spending some years on the Phantasm planet.

Maybe this will just become a Phantasm blog. There may only be five movies but I bet I could discuss them for at least a few months. Except I don't think I'm sensitive enough to discuss the scene in the graveyard where The Tall Man is all, "Look at my tits! You're totally gonna put your pee pee in my hoo-ha!" And then he's all, "Ha ha! I probably have a penis!" Canonically, I can't say whether the Tall Man has a pee pee or a hoo-ha because we've never seen it. But we have seen his tits so, well, you know. The Tall Man has tits.

I wonder if the Phantasm franchise has the record for having the most uncharismatic leads of any movie franchise ever? I hope I don't offend the Boy or Reggie by saying that! Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have singled them out after that comment, right? Um, also Angus Scrimm. Boy howdy! He's so ugly! I mean, he's supposed to be ugly and creepy unlike the protagonists Reggie and the Boy. Um, I mean Mike. Don't assume I'm actually the Tall Man because I like to call Mike "Boy" and I have tits.

This issue begins with Booster Gold waking up full of shame and self-loathing after having a dream about his mother. I would describe the dream but you can probably make out what kind of dream it was due to my use of the adjectives "shame" and "self-loathing". Are those adjectives? Anyway, as you might have thought, he was dreaming about being arrested in front of his mother after having committed all the horrible future crimes he chose to commit. Crying on the steps nearby is a woman cradling a child. Did Booster Gold have a wife and child? Or is that his sister and niece? Or were they part of the reason he was being arrested in the dream?! I know dreams usually aren't non-fiction. I recently had a dream where the Non-Certified Spouse had an online friend who made their own flavors of Moon Pies. She made one flavor especially for me: Murdered Baby's Soul. That was definitely fiction because now I go to sleep every night wondering what Murdered Baby's Soul tastes like.

Oh wait. She's not cradling a child. Nor is she on steps.

I blame the colorist's terrible color guide which must have read, "The sofa should be purple but bluier. The woman on the sofa should be purplier. The wall should be purple but different. Outside the window? More purple." How is my mind supposed to differentiate all of those purples and blues?! It's also possible my eyes glanced at the picture and my mind, detecting patterns that I'm used to seeing, just went, "Oh, okay. Booster Gold is being busted for beating his woman on the street while their child watched." I don't mean I'm used to seeing that because I've ever acted out anything like that! I just grew up at a time when everything on fucking television was Jerry Springer or Cops!

While Booster Gold's memories of his future make him weep the way Ted Kord weeps whenever Guy Gardner kicks him in the dick, some bald guy whose color separation guide was just "Yellow!" invents online gambling.

"Sos what yer sayin' is I jus' put all my bankin' infermation into this magic betting box and bada boom bada bing, I'm like super rich and shit?"

Seeing the screen that reads "Place Wager from Savings" should be everything a person needs to understand about gambling. Everybody knows gambling ruins lives but the main obstacle in the way of gambling ruining way, way more lives was that you had to make an effort to gamble. You had to plan a trip to someplace that allows it. You had to get off your ass to buy a scratch card. You had to go to the horse or greyhound track or, if you really wanted to get depressed and see how you've taken even the fun of going on a day trip out to watch animals get abused, the off-track betting parlor. But now with B.O.O.K.I.E., you can walk down to the corner, tap directly into your bank account, and feel the excitement of standing around waiting to see the results of the race! Or, if we're talking about reality, online casinos! Online poker! Apps that let you buy scratch-its and lottery tickets without getting your cheese-dust covered ass off of the sofa! It's bread and circuses all day, especially now that we've got Caligula in office here in America with his little pet Nazi gremlin, Tesla Wyrmtooth.

Luckily for the people about to lose all of their life savings to B.O.O.K.I.E., a young hero comes along to hack the system, bleed it dry, and report them to the feds! A roller blade wearing Nirvana fan who maybe isn't as good at hacking as he thought he was.

I take back my use of the word "luckily".

That's not a Justice League Teleporter Tube Toby has found himself trapped within. That's a B.O.O.K.I.E. automated kiosk with its security sensors tripped after he tried to hack it. Loser!

Some goons pull up ready to crack Toby's skull but he's still in the system so he sends a message to their pagers to distract them while he hacks his way out and roller blades to freedom! The goons, being so reliant on orders from up above and so attached to their pagers like big stupid '90s idiots, fall for the ruse and immediately check their pagers once they start vibrating. Can you imagine how dumb people were in the '90s?! So fucking attached to a small piece of electronics that constantly demanded their attention! Fucking idiots.

Usually that would be me being self-deprecating but this time it's me being smug because I don't fucking have a smart phone and never will. All y'all look like pager checking criminal goons getting outsmarted by the worst dressed hacker in history!

Um, ha ha! Just kidding! I was just kidding! Really! Not about not owning a phone. That's true. But I don't think everybody is a pager checking goon. At least not in the 21st Century where you don't have to check your pager and then go find a phone and then call the person who paged you or maybe even page them to let you know you got the page while sending some stupid weird code y'all had made up instead of sending a phone number. And I don't think you could ever play games on your pager! Why would anybody ever want one?! I understand having a smart phone because you can play games or use apps or browse the Internet. Staying in contact with other people is like the 8th or 9th best thing to do with a phone. But that's all a pager was good for! Who wanted other people to have constant access to you?! That was the best part about living in an age without cell phones! You'd leave the house and theoretically cease to exist until you got back! Oh, it was glorious!

Anyway, Toby decides to hack his way into Justice League Headquarters to hide out from the goons chasing him. I think the only person currently awake inside is Booster Gold in a shame spiral.

I guess Booster's weeping woke everybody up.

I'm pretty sure you can see Fire's bush in the above panel!

Guy Gardner pantses the poor kid because he gives a fake name. Ice stops him before Guy gets arrested for whatever crime you can be arrested for just because you pulled some kid's pants down. Probably something like Overly Aggressive Manhandling of a Minor which might not be a felony but it would definitely get you shanked in prison if somebody heard that was what you were in for. "What? Sicko perv? No no no! You've got it wrong! I JUST PRANKED THE KID!" Then you'd get stabbed in the liver because "pranked" is probably prison slang for consensual surprise shower sex. You're probably wondering how that's consensual, right? Well, you know, most prisoners probably don't want to be thought of as rapists but still want to have some sexy fun times while in prison. So you get a group together who sign a consent form that at any time they have their butthole all nice and soaped up, it's an invitation for a surprise quickie. The surprise just makes it a fun game!

Toby was caught just after he sent out a BBS message on the Justice League computer system so Blue Beetle notices that the kid isn't a threat. The message was to some guy named Jack Marshall, a hacker wearing an anarchist t-shirt. I don't remember him at all. Was he from Bloodlines? No, this was probably a smidge too early for Bloodlines, right? Anyway, Jack explains that Toby has discovered a bunch of illegal shit being perpetrated by the B.O.O.K.IE machines (I was apparently punctuating it wrong earlier. I will not fix my previous mistakes!). So now the Justice League are involved because they can't turn their backs on something illegal taking place.

I bet Fire fucks Jack Marshall. He looks a like Jesse Custer if somebody other than Steve Dillon were drawing him but they were trying to approximate Dillon's look while also making him handsome.

If Fire isn't eating out this guy's asshole by the end of the story, I'll lose all respect for her.

Jack Marshall wears a blazer over a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He's slightly unshaven and his hair's about an inch longer than your grandmother would find respectable. No wait. Your great grandmother, probably. Great-great grandmother? Fucking shit, I just looked at a calendar and some adults were born in the 21st Century? I'll judge by the age my mother was when I was born (22!) to calculate when somebody who is 18 now's mother was born. That means their mother was born in 1985. So their grandmother would have been born in 1964. They certainly wouldn't have had a problem with long hair. Hell, my grandmother was born in 1921 and she never had a problem with my long hair. Hell, that beautiful, sweet lady thought Gene Simmons was a looker! For the record, I never thought anything but positive thoughts for that woman other than the day we were watching Donahue together and she looked at Gene Simmons and said, "That's a really handsome man." Fine, let me change my hair description of Jack Marshall. His hair looked like the kind of hair you'd find on any man or woman across the country in 1993 and I'm not sure how it's supposed to show how anarchic he is.

Jack Marshall explains away all the morally gray aspects of what he and Toby are doing with a couple of super definitive "no"s.

The B.O.O.K.IE machines are just corporate skimmers stealing your information to make money on it and also sometimes just stealing your money and also letting you gamble so that they can sort of legally steal your money as well. So it really is the Internet. Minus the games and porn. Although the B.O.O.K.IE booth looks like a nice little masturbation way station.

Jack Marshall says the name Rubenico, the man behind the B.O.O.K.IE stations, and Booster Gold loses his mind. He explains that in the future, the Rubenico Syndicate runs half the eastern seaboard. So ATM gambling gave a man enough power to control the east coast of America for 500 years. Why didn't I read this at 22 and go into online gambling?! I should have realized that this comic book I really didn't like buying was actually a deliverer of prophetic news. Oh, Cassandra, how did I not believe?!

Oh, I know how! Booster Gold goes on to explain how the other thing that ruled America in 2462 was college football. And he was the best there ever was at it. What kind of Al Bundy shitty ass brag is that? I understand that a lot of people take college football seriously. It's just that I don't take those people seriously. If college football commands everybody's attention in five hundred years, I'll probably kill myself. Except if I'm still alive in five hundred years it will probably mean death has been eradicated and I physically wouldn't be able to kill myself so I'd have to find contentment in just sneering at all the Huskers and Huskies fans who crossed my path. "My path" meaning wherever my 500 year old sack of melting organic material has been tossed by the side of the road.

Booster Gold explains how his mother got sick and he needed money to pay for her care and since college football doesn't pay anything unless you're playing for a corrupt school system, he had to begin throwing games for the Rubenico Syndicate's gambling ring. He was eventually arrested and shamed in front of his mother. He had become addicted to money and fame and it was his downfall. Which is why he traveled back to the past to start over at earning money and fame.

Fresh off the high of changing the future for a model and her sister, Booster's ready to go whole hog and really cause a major paradox.

How come everything in Booster's future of 2462 somehow had its beginnings in 1992? Weird!

Booster still hasn't coped with his addiction to money and fame which is why he still believes that Rubenico ruined his life instead of understanding who really made the choices that led to his ruined life. He's like Jack Torrance up at the Overlook still blaming everybody else and the alcohol for his rage problem. Except Booster Gold doesn't have an out of control boiler in the basement acting as the metaphor for his lust for power and money.

Why yes, I did just recently finish a re-read of The Shining. Why do you ask?

Booster Gold's about to ruin Jack and Toby's hacker plan to bring down Rubenico by crashing straight into the currently not that corrupt home office of the corporation behind the B.O.O.K.IE machines. Blue Beetle, Fire, and Ice rush off to stop him while Guy Gardner remains behind to make sure these anarchists don't piss on the coffee table or leave rings on the toilet seat.

Here's Beetle, Fire, and Ice hustling into an elevator because I thought it looked charmingly goofy and old timey.

The goons from earlier have followed a trail of Toby's roller blade tracks and 3-D Doritos crumbs straight to Justice League Headquarters. They just happened to have brought their SCUBA gear along because everybody knows about the underwater airlock that connects to Beetle's stupid bug ship. And what luck! The Bug flies off after Booster just as the goons are ready to dive into the river! But nothing ever comes of this so forget I mentioned it. It's just page filler and another chance to humiliate Guy Gardner! I'll take no part in that!

No, ladies. It's far more likely Booster will be the cause of the future he so badly wants to change. That's just how time would have to work in a world with actual backwards time travel.

I specify backwards time travel because nobody is concerned with forward time travel. That's already how naturally do it!

Booster breaks into Rubenico's penthouse suite over his office complex intending to kill him. He only ever uses the last name because Booster doesn't even know this guy's name. He had nothing to do with the college football cheating scandal of 2462! But Booster thinks killing him will destroy the Rubenico's entire family history and save Booster Gold from ruining his past sometime in the future. There's only one major problem with his plan.

You're going to have to kill little girl Rubenico too, buddy.

Blue Beetle tells Booster Gold that everything he did in his past is his fault and everybody lives happily ever after. Except for the little girl who looks at Booster in rage and is probably thinking, "I will dedicate all of my family's lives until the Rubenicos are no more to destroy this man, this Booster Gold!" So, see? He just created his shitty future with his shitty attempt at changing the future. Too many people have Back to the Future brain.

The story ends with Guy Gardner giving Toby a thumbs up for hacking the Justice League elevator and trapping Beetle inside yelling, "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!" I don't get the 1993 or earlier reference which also makes no sense because the "crazy thing" is already stopped.

Can you tell I lost interest in this story right about the time it surpassed the length of a regular comic book? That's why I hate Annuals and Quarterlies and Specials. My attention span was molded in the flames of 24 page comic books. After that, I either need a new comic book, a snack, a nap, or six hours of video games. I definitely don't need three more short stories in the same comic book as the 38 page story! Fuck my life.

The next story stars Wally West and, I'm assuming, the human resources department of Justice League Europe.

Fucking pig.

The Flash winds up at a police convention because it's 1992, peak pro-cop era (it's the top of the mountain on a graph where the left descends back into a century of people hating cops and the right descends into hopefully a century or more of people, once again, hating cops). He's supposed to be giving a guest talk about who the fuck knows what. He's just a guy who accidentally got super powers. What does he know about policing? Is he going to give a lecture on how to beat a perp to within an inch of his life? On the best ways to obscure your body camera while you fist bump a Nazi? How to not worry about killing anybody at anytime because the District Attorney of every city is in the pocket of the police union and they'd never put a cop on trial (unless the incident was too public and then they'd be all, "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Please keep providing witnesses for my non-police involved shooting trials!")? On the way in the building, one of the cops asks him if he'll investigate a death threat against the District Attorney and instead of saying, "Fuck the District Attorney," like a good citizen, he says, "Sure, I'll check it out in the morning." Little does he know, the morning will be too late!

While on the glass elevator up to his room, he happens to witness the assassination just outside the hotel. Or starts to witness it because he lives life so quickly that it looks like everything moves at slow motion to him which would be a really difficult way to live. He sees a muzzle flash in slow motion but what can he do? He's a prisoner of real time because he's in an elevator! Not like he'd ever smash through the glass side of the elevator to save a life. A normal window? Sure! He's done that dozens of times. But this is a classy joint's glass elevator! I guess he's just going to have to watch the DA's brains splatter across the face of his cop escort in super slow motion. I wonder what it's like to vomit at super speed?

Gross. He sweats super fast too.

Flash decides not to smash through the window because he thinks it'll cut him to ribbons. He can't vibrate through the glass because he lost that power after Crisis or Zero Hour or something. So now he can just sweat and watch the guy die. At least, that's what I'd do. Wally decides to spin like a tornado and blow the glass outward so that it cuts the people below him to ribbons while he runs around the shrapnel and then shoves the DA out of the way so fast that he's killed instantly from the shock of it.

The bullet got this close. How hard and fast does Wally have to push the man for the bullet to miss him? Fatally hard, no?

There I am arguing with comic book physics again! It's especially bad since I don't even know the real world physics of something like this and Mythbusters went off the air years ago. Wally has to outrun the bullet and then push the DA out of the way while still running that fast. He'd explode right through the guy, wouldn't he? It'd be The Boys all over again!

I suppose this conundrum of The Flash interacting with regular people at supersonic speeds was the reason for all the Speed Force shit. Just a cozy explanation for why super speedsters aren't harmed by the friction caused by their speed but especially why people they carry who have no super powered defenses against it can survive a superspeed trip down the road or across the ocean. I don't know anything about "the Speed Force" because I think it was invented while I wasn't reading comic books. At least it was invented while I wasn't reading The Flash comic books and I've always not been reading The Flash!

That was the whole story. What happens if The Flash gets stuck in an elevator? We all knew the answer was going to be he smashes his way out but I guess Mark Waid had to make it seem like it was a bit tougher than that. Good job, I guess.

The 3rd story stars Fire and Ice trapped in Bestwig, a new and imaginary nation formed after the dissolution of Yugoslavia, after a modeling job gone wrong. Their luggage was lost and the promoter didn't pay them so now they're stuck with no money and no clothes and no friends and no knowledge of the language of Bestwig. I know what you're thinking: "No clothes! Scan a picture, asshole!"

Well, they have almost no clothes.

I personally don't think Ice should be allowed to show so much lower belly because I have a schedule to keep this morning and I don't think I can move anything around to find time for a quick one off at the wrist.

Instead of getting the cash they need by fucking some rando like Fire almost does but realizes she'd never hear the end of it from Ice, the two sign up for a beauty contest judged by Great Old Ones where the prize is getting to fuck the Great Old Ones. They don't know that's the prize when they sign up for the contest or else Ice probably would have just let Fire fuck that rando. Ice wins but when she hears the prize, she decides she doesn't really want it. Not because she's a prude but because to mate with the Great Old Ones, a human must be shredded and ingested. So the whole thing goes Bea's tits up and Ice and Fire realize they need to figure out a new plan. I think that plan should be Fire flies them home with her ability to, you know, fly. But Fire thinks maybe the next plan is a wet t-shirt contest at a seedy bar. Unfortunately, the story ends before that can happen. Imagine how rock hard Ice's nipples would be as the water froze to her t-shirt and torso!

Hmm, maybe I can rearrange my schedule a little.

The final story stars Ted Kord on a blind date while Booster, Fire, and Wally stalk him. It's charming and fun and silly and the kind of comic book story I actually prefer. Sometimes I wonder why I read super hero comic books at all? I should simply stick to Love and Rockets and Elfquest and Box Office Poison and Strangers in Paradise and Cerebus. I much prefer the drama of daily life and complicated relationships and naked elves and jealous friends and lesbians kissing. But here I am reading hundreds and hundreds of super hero comic books. Has anybody ever thought, "I hate my life"? Is that an original thought I just had? I probably shouldn't even joke about that seeing as how I have a not-zero total of friends who have killed themselves. Sometimes it's funny to be all, "I wish I could die!" And then I think of Mark and Larry and Philip and my Uncle Dan and I get super sad. What's even sadder is that I'm probably forgetting some people!

Ted's date is super cute and she has a super fun job!

The date doesn't work out for a variety of reasons, one of which is that Ted's date's ex proposes to her at the end of it. But that's okay because Ted winds up going home with the waitress. Also Booster gets his comeuppance for being a terrible friend and spying on Ted just to make fun of him when Booster's car is totaled due to Wally smashing into it at super speed. Also Fire gets a date too. I think.

Does this mean she's happy this guy bought her drinks all night or disgusted?

Seriously, I'm really bad at signals. One time the girl I had a huge crush on in junior high passed me a note that said something about me being weird. I don't remember what I wrote on the note in response when I passed it back. But then she passed the note back and it said, "I love you anyways." And I just completely shut down and freaked out and, well, that never went anywhere. Also, I know that wasn't a signal but a blatant communication so I guess I'm terrible at all of it. Just everything that has to do with romantic shit. Surprise!

Justice League Quarterly #10 Rating: I did it! I'm through with these Quarterlies! I never have to read another 80 page comic book in my life! Um, what. The director just commented in my ear piece. Green Lantern Corps Quarterly? Are you sure?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Darkstars #8

Worst homecoming theme ever.

This is the last issue of Darkstars I own. I'm a little bit sad that I own this one because this cover is poo on fire. I suspect that Past Me, much like current me, never looked at the covers of the comics as he bought them. He just saw the title and grabbed the magazine, adding it to the pile to take to the register. Usually when the cashier is ringing up my comics is the first time I'll really look at the covers and I'm not the type of person to grab the cashier's hand as they pick up a comic book to ring it up and yell, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast! This comic book looks like runny diarrhea! I'm putting it back." No, I'm more the kind of person who notices how awful the comic book looks and simply lets out a nearly inaudible, haunting moan from the deepest part of that part of me my old friend Soy Rakelson would probably call a soul. I just call it the part of my brain that's going to get the skewer first when I finally decide none of this Goddamned pain is worth it anymore.

Look at this fucking terrible cover. This 90s art is the kind of art that was (and often still is) hailed as dynamic by critics and fans who never seem to know the difference between "dynamic" and "posed." This doesn't look like a shot of these idiots having just finished a battle with a mechanical bull. It just looks like they stood in line with their prom photo tickets until they were waved over and told to look at the camera and smile before being hustled off the stage for the next couple's chance at a shitty memory.

It's been a few days since I wrote a comic book review because I've been busy with my other project. I set up an Artificial Intelligence program to come up with new names for Xanth novels. These are some of my favorites:

Centaurs Can't Masturbate
The Boner Tree
Titillating Minors Makes Money
The Word Bosom Fifty Thousand Times in a Row
No Matter How Many Naked Women are Described, Never Mention Their Genitals
Whoops! That Scene Was Too Sexy
In This One, A Dragon Fucks a Duck
The Human Nickelpede
Seriously Though. They Can't Fucking Masturbate!
Seventy Unfunny Puns and Sixteen More That Don't Make Any Sense
This Book is the Merriam-Webster Definition of Chauvinism
Convicting Somebody of Rape is Embarrassing for Both Parties So Maybe Just Forget About It?
Whoops! I Gave a Ten Year Old Female Centaur Huge Boobs. Can We Fix This in Post?
If You've Read Piers Anthony's Other Books and Enjoyed Them, Maybe You'll Like This Book That He Put Way Less Effort Into
Magic Doesn't Recognize Same-Sex Relationships But a Human Can Fuck a Goat and Produce a Mutant Offspring

Oh no! Are they planning on destabilizing a region so they can send in the military and take control of its oil?

Eight issues in and I haven't discussed the Darkstars uniform. Ignore the one on the cover; the artist completely fucked that one up. Just check out the one on the panel scanned above. What's with the piano keys theme? Will we eventually learn that they're powers are tied to music in the same way the Green Lantern power is tied to emotion? Did Grant Morrison ever use the Darkstars in his Multiversity lore as the movers and shakers of the harmony of the spheres which allowed for the different universes vibrating on different musical frequencies? But most importantly: can you play Chopsticks on a Darkstars' chest?

Another great (?) aspect of the Darkstars uniform is the huge arrow pointing at the crotch. Whenever I wear super tight material that hugs my junk and exposes my intimacy, I love to call attention to it. "Hey hey hey! Ladies and Gents! Have you ever wondered exactly what my cock and balls look like? Check it out! Also this isn't vulgar because you're looking at cloth and not my skin even if the cloth hugs every wrinkle and vein. So please stop trying to have me arrested."

It turns out "The American Way" isn't destabilization of countries who have resources that Americans want but don't want to pay for; "The American Way" is advertising jobs for needed positions. Man, that's so boring. And yet, it's the most interesting part of this comic book series so far!

In 1993, what does "some familiarity with computers" mean? That you've used Koala Pad and wasted tons of meat by killing bears on The Oregon Trail?

I know, I know! By 1993, people no longer even remembered Koala Pad and The Oregon Trail. It's just I don't really remember what was big in 1993. AOL Chat and Myst, maybe?

You might also be wondering why Carla is dressed like a lunatic. Turns out, she's taking the Darkstars to a Country Western Bar. Yee haw! I'm pretty sure the first bar I ever went to was a Country Western Bar, The Saddle Rack, in San Jose, California. It was my 21st birthday and we were there because my friend Bob and I had made a pact when we were ten that when we turned 21, we were going to ride a mechanical bull. Bob turned twenty-one 23 days before me and he also remembered that stupid pact for eleven years. I also opened some presents that night and the woman I was dating gave me a Lobo t-shirt.

Geez, we get it, Darkstar. Your entire race was murdered. Don't make us feel guilty about having fun just because your people "used to have fun too."

What a dumb question, Carla! Obviously he knows what music is. He's got a fucking piano painted on his chest.

While Darkstar hits the bar, Homeless Mo hires an office manager and K'lassh destroy's Darkstar's ship in orbit. Also, I should probably stop calling Mo Douglas "Homeless Mo." He lives at the office now!

Ugh! What's with all this political correctness and virtue signalling?! Why can't this old comic book be more like, um, older comic books and just stick to bank robberies and punching bad guys? I mean super villain bad guys bent on taking over the world and not white supremacist bad guys intent on taking over America! I mean, well, you know what I mean! Just have the good guy punch the obviously bad guy who doesn't need to espouse terrible social beliefs that I might also espouse! We know he's bad! Just make him generally bad or you're going to alienate your readership! I know racism is bad! But shoving it down my throat like this just makes me think, "Maybe it's not so bad?"

That previous caption was satirical and not actually my personal feelings. See, the thing about writing is that you can write whatever you can imagine and it doesn't make the thing you've written some secret insight into the truth of the writer. It's just shit that was typed in half a second without any thought at all behind it. Except, I mean, there was a lot of thought behind it. And a lot of that thought was less about Comics Gaters types currently spouting a lot of that kind of garbage and more about comic book fans writing letters to old comics that were saying the same kinds of things twenty and thirty years before it got a stupid "Let's append -gate to another word!" name. Also, it did not take half a second. Mostly because my brain is broken and it took me forever to pull the word "alienate" out of it even though it was the word I wanted to use and I knew the definition and could almost hear the word in my head but my brain was all, "Fuck you. Why should I give you this word you're seeking? You know how many hits of LSD you rammed through me, you careless asshole? Get fucked!"

Darkstar takes an interest in the mechanical bull and is all, "Aw, that doesn't look so tough! Not like this space mechanical bull from this place in space I know!" Some drunk and tough cowjerk hears Darkstar's comments and simply assumes, like I assume he always assumes, that Darkstar is emasculating him with his words.

Beau is the Lobo of the Country Western Bar.

Darkstar decides the best way to calm the situation is to ride the mechanical bull. Beau watches him and yells, "He's the best I've ever seen!" It begins to look like Darkstar's plan is going to work until some other rube tells Beau, "That guy ain't human!" Beau goes full redneck and is all, "Yeah! He ain't! That means I have a duty to try and get him killed!" He then throws the switch on the mechanical bull to "Do Not Attempt This! Dangerous! Why Did We Even Add This Setting?!" Carla cold cocks Beau to help save Darkstar even though he doesn't need help. Wasn't she listening when he told his story about the space mechanical bull in space and how it was way harder than the Earth version? Darkstar breaks the mechanical bull with his crotch and will now have to pay for the damages. It's a good thing he's saved all that gold by firing Flint last issue.

I don't know if it ever happened because this was the last issue of Darkstars I ever read but I hope Beau came back as a villain and called himself Low Beau.

Dammit. Now I want cake.

Carla writes a check to pay for the damages to the bar just as K'lassh arrives. Carla decides to keep her checkbook out.

Darkstars #8 Rating: B+. I don't know if this issue was better than the rest because I knew it was the last issue I was going to read or because it objectively was better. At least I didn't have to suffer through Travis Charest's 90s art. This issue was done by guest penciller Patrick Zircher! Basically that meant it looked like 80s comics which I never mean to defend when I say 90s comics art was terrible. There was a lot of 80s comic art that was fucking awful as well! But it was standard awful! 90s art was unbearable because it was objectively terrible in so many ways (anatomy, asymmetry, overuse of specific tropes) but people proclaimed it the greatest art they had ever seen. I wouldn't have minded so much if everybody was all, "Well, this isn't great but it's different. Let's see what happens with it for awhile!" Anyway, in my world, Darkstar was murdered by K'lassh and there was never another issue.

Action Comics #979

Now I know why Blanque is called Blanque! It's due to the face he makes when being fucked in the ass!

• The issue begins with Superman either being choked to death by Mongul or utilizing his Secret Autoerotic Asphyxiation Machine in the Fortress of Solitude. I finally get the name of that too! From now on, my closet will be called the Fortress of Solitude! And my special belt will be dubbed Mongul's Arm!

• Patrick Zircher continues to be credited as "Patch" Zircher. I guess he's twelve.

• This issue is called "Revenge, Part 1." Anybody familiar with my hatred of comic books already knows how much more I'm going to hate this one than how much I hate the usual ones.

• It's irresponsible of superheroes not to kill the villains. By not killing them, they inevitably spend the majority of their time trying not to be killed by them. That's precious time they could be helping people being mugged or abused by their parents or contemplating suicide. Instead of helping to make the world a better place for the next few issues, Superman will simply be dealing with his own problems. Not that he shouldn't be allowed to deal with personal issues. But when those personal issues are villains he failed to completely stop from making the world a worse place by not killing them or by not shoring up the locks to the Phantom Zone, he needs to be held accountable for all the disasters that he could have stopped while being choked to a mighty orgasm by Mongul.

• The battle between Mongul and Superman turns out not to have anything to do with an Autoerotic Asphyxiation Machine. It's just Mongul having a series of wet dreams provided by his Black Mercy. Eradicator has come by to clean him up and recruit him to the Superman Revenge Squad. Once again, I should point out that I did not make up that name. It's rare when a comic book comes up with dumber stuff than I do.

• Lois and Clark are currently looking at apartments in Metropolis.

Lois's idea of perfection is being attacked on a constant basis by aliens and Swamp Things.

• How bored do you think Patch was drawing that above scan?

• The Superman Revenge Squad travels to Superman's now destroyed Himalayan Fortress of More Solitude to find some powerful artifact in the rubble. Superman should probably have cleaned the place up by now. I'm beginning to come around to Batman's side. Superman is too powerful and too dumb to live.

• They're after the Oblivion Stone which has been a minor plot point for some time. If the two halves of the stone are combined, it will "alter any aspect of the possessor's life — once." I know why Mongul wants it! You can tell by how flat the front of his crotch is on his spandex suit. Totally nothing going on there.

• Apparently Superman was too busy to realize his Himalayan Fortress was destroyed. Maybe I was too quick to judge. I mean, it's not like the destruction of his fortress, the escape of his prisoners, and the loss of dozens of dangerous artifacts will be a threat to the world. It's not like he should have better safeguards than a robot telling him everything is okay, or an alarm that goes off long after the entire mountain has collapsed on itself. No, you know what. Batman is still totally right.

• Superman discovers that his friends in the Fortress are dead and the Oblivion Stone is gone. He takes the sudden realization that he's a failure as a friend and a hero shockingly well.

• The Superman Revenge Squad returns the Oblivion Stone half to Hank Henshaw. He reunites it with the half he has and makes his wish: to once again become Cyborg Superman. No! Now there are two of them?! But just one of them bores the fuck out of me! Two of them will put me into an Oblivion Coma.

• Cyborg Superman suggests they need one more member for the Superman Revenge Squad: Zod. As if there aren't already enough egos on this team. "Kiss my hand!" "Kneel before me!" "Pledge your undying fealty to my anal sphincter!" As soon as Lex Luthor realizes he wasn't drafted, his feelings are going to be hurt.

Action Comics #974

I have the "Can you spot the hidden Batmobile?" variant cover by Gary Frank.

Superwoman Lana Lang is currently dying. Superman realizes that no doctor on Earth can help her because Earth doctors suck so much. It's like he was rocketed into the fucking stone age! Stupid fucking Earth doctors. But Superman knows how he can save her! He's taking her to the Fortress of Solitude because it's her only hope.

Now wait a Goddamned second, Superman! You have the technology to save people who Earth doctors can't save and you're keeping it just for your friends and family? Shouldn't you be giving away this technology for free?! I'm probably jumping to conclusions. I'm sure Lana's only hope isn't that Superman has a machine that can cure any mortal illness. It's probably just a machine that can cure people dying of having too much super power. So, you know, it wouldn't work on normies anyway. Wink, wink. I mean, I just had something in my eye and wasn't winking at all to make sure you understood that Superman just doesn't want to help regular Earthlings.

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Lois Smith has turned Clark Kent's stalking around on him. So now she's stalking him stalking her. Eventually Lois got tired of walking around the block over and over and over again. So she accepted a dinner date with Clark Kent so she could do some undercover investigations of him. Hopefully literally under the covers, amirite?! It's not cheating if the person is a doppelgänger from another world. Also not cheating: having sex with your own doppelgänger from another world!

Here's my theory explaining the mystery Clark Kent: he's a robot that was built in the eighties and doesn't have any ports to update his memory files, so he's permanently stuck in 1986. No wait. That's my theory explaining Dan Jurgens!

While Clark Kent and Lois Smith check into a seedy motel, Superman decides Lana Lang can be saved by sticking her inside Kryptonian Battle Armor. Is that where he recovered from his battle with Doomsday? Or was he just comatose in a coffin? I might be able to remember it if The Death of Superman hadn't been thirty years ago. And also if I had read it.

Superman is alerted to intruders at the Himalayan Fortress of Solitude but he ignores it. It has automated defenses and it's not like anybody has ever broken in before. At least no more than one or two people, anyway. Things should totally be safe. It's not like there's a history of somebody inside the Fortress being taken over by Blanque who forces them to release him? That was sarcastic. Also, it's happening again!

Back in Metropolis, Clark Kent asks Lois Smith to marry him. When did he suddenly get the idea that Lois was interested in him? He's suddenly obsessed. Which means he's being controlled! Or maybe that photo album that he left at the door of the Smiths in Superman #18 (which I only read up until that point before I realized I should probably read this) was a photo album of Preboot Superman's wedding that fell through time and landed at this Clark Kent's feet. So he, obviously, believed it came from the future and that meant he and Lois were meant to have sex!

When Lois refuses to see things Clark's way, he goes from mild mannered nice guy to obsessed misogynist stalker. You know, just like all the guys who call themselves nice guys wind up doing.

Clark follows Lois back to her home in Hamilton County. She doesn't notice because Metropolis taxis go out to her farm all the time, probably. It's either that or she didn't notice and who the hell would think Lois Lane wouldn't notice being followed?! Not me! Standing outside the house, Clark Kent sees that Lois is married to a look-a-like and they have a kid together. He flips the fuck out and decides he's going to destroy them all. Because that's a thing nice guys do. Just research GamerGate! All those guys who constantly threatened women through all that? Almost assuredly think of themselves as nice guys. Apparently their definition of a not nice guy is an attractive guy with whom women want to have sex. A nice guy is a guy women don't want to have sex with because they're not attractive and they obsess over Magic the Gathering and they live with their parents and they show no outward sign of being responsible for their own lives or future. But they're nice! Up until you refuse to have sex with them, of course. But that's understandable, right?!

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not really enjoying Action Comics much at all. But it's going to hit Issue #1000 some day and I want to be around for that!

Action Comics #973

Is he a pervy stalker with severe anger issues?

• Superman discovers that his Fortress of Solitude (the new one in the Himalayas and not the old one in the Arctic. Or was it Antarctica? You know what? For awhile there, it was both because a lot of the New 52 writers were stupid) has been breached! I also could have used the word probed there because his Fortress looks like a huge butthole in the side of a mountain. I'm feeling a little bit like DC Comics goat.se'd me.

• When did Patrick Zircher begin going by "Patch"? If my name were Patrick and somebody tried to nickname me "Patch," I would be on death row right now.

Move aside, World's Greatest Detective! There's a new challenger in town!

• While searching for the intruder, Superman passes through his illegal prison. Inside are Blanque, The Shaggy Man (who he must have rescued from floating in space), and some super hot woman posing in a window. There are several others but Patch and Steve-o were too lazy to draw any details. Superman's ability to imprison dangerous criminals without any due process has always troubled me. Not a lot! But it just doesn't jibe with his supposed super-ethics. I guess in the same way he learns to control his super-hearing so that it doesn't drive him crazy, he's also able to manifest a certain amount of denial to help keep the world safe. Throwing people into The Phantom Zone and locking them up in his private prison seem like greater good choices. But they also seem like the actions of a man who doesn't really believe humans are capable of handling their own problems.

• Has Superman ever been sued by somebody who escaped The Phantom Zone? That seems like it could have been the plot for one of the 80s Superman movie sequels.

• The person who broke into his Fortress of Ancillary Solitude is Steel. He's super-smart so it makes sense that he could break into Superman's vacation home. He's brought Superwoman Lana Lang because she's dying. She probably has a lethal case of Comic Book About To Be Cancelled.

• You're probably wondering why this story is about Superman when, according to the cover, it's supposed to be concentrating on Clark Kent. I am too! Is that a coincidence or was I just projecting my feelings onto you? Oh who cares?! It probably means we should kiss though!

• Clark Kent is overseeing Lois Lane while she does some kind of investigative journalism shenanigans. She's pretending to be a waitress so she can bug a table with a crooked cop conducting crooked business. You can tell he's a crooked cop because he paws at her and leers at her and suggests she sit on his lap like a big girl. Clark, listening in, is all, "We should go in there and save her before she touches his boner!" That's when everybody is all, "Oh how cute! Clark thinks Lois needs his help destroying creeps!"

• The crooked cop and councilman and paid off witness all conveniently say the things they're guilty of right into Lois's hidden microphone. But then they start to laugh and Clark is all, "They're probably looking at her tits!" as he runs out of the stakeout van to fuck up the entire sting.

• Maggie Sawyer has also been invited along to arrest the bad guys once they conveniently incriminate themselves. When the sting falls apart, she blames Clark Kent for running out of the van and into the bar. But the sting falls apart long before that because Maggie keeps getting Lois to talk into her hidden microphone and one of the bodyguards notices. Who's the real amateur, Maggie?!

Sad trombone.

• After the mostly successful journalistic undercover operation, Lois Lane decides to continue her undercover work. She follows Clark Kent home to try to figure out who this guy really is.

• Some of Lois's early clues to his identity: he says words like "hoosegow," he offers her a ride home even though he's walking, he doesn't notice the rain, he eats only dessert foods, and he still lives in the apartment Clark Smith live in before he and Lois were married. Maybe he's one of Superman's sperm come to life after masturbating on an alien relic that rolled under the bed. Then it grew quickly to adulthood so that it acts like a little kid and also still like a sperm (the not noticing rain and the incessant need to fertilize Lois).

• Lois follows him into the building and the lobby guard acts like he hasn't seen Clark in months. Clark must be paying him off in Big Belly Burger Apple Pies!

• Back to the Alt-Fortress of Solitude, Superman and Steel remain baffled by Lana's sickness. But Superman knows somebody who might be able to help her! He doesn't tell Steel he just says, "Follow me! As best you can since, you know, I'm even faster than The Flash." And Steel is all, "I'll track you but wouldn't it be better to give me an address?! Are we going to the Earth's core to visit Dr. Veritas?"

• As they leave, some mysterious figures are all, "Look! The clues we needed to find the place the clues are coming from! We'll be rich! Probably!" It's just one of those panels setting up a future story that Dan Jurgens may just forget about.

• Remember how Lobdell used to write in plot threads that never went anywhere because he was always just writing whatever came to mind and the best way to make a story seem exciting is to present a mysterious thing that will surely be a great story in the future (but never, ever actually was). Remember when Superman found that door floating in the air? Nothing came of that. Remember when Superman had a zombie Lana Lang living in his head? Nothing ever came of that. Remember when Superman did some thing with H'el that totally went nowhere but then Scott Lobdell remembered he was going to bring back Krypton with that story but he ended it differently for possibly editorial reasons (or boredom (or forgetfulness)) and then like a year later, he just rewrote the story so he could tell it the way he was trying to tell it the first time?

Meanwhile, Sperman has decided it's time to step up his fertilization game.

• Lois agrees to have dinner with Clark. Probably not because fucking him doesn't count as cheating. Does it? I mean, she's probably doing it so she can figure out who he is. Preferably before sleeping with him. But anything for the story, right?

• It turns out the person responsible for tracking flying men in and out of the Himalayas is Doctor Henshaw. He must have left his keys in the Fortress.

The Ranking!
No change! Why does this have to be a mult-part story?! I just want to know who this Clark Kent really is so he can be rubbed out or sprayed with bleach or whatever you do to clean up semen stains.

Action Comics #970

Guilty! The end.

• Superman has rushed through a portal to another world in order to save Lex Luthor. Hopefully this other world has a yellow sun and not a red sun or he's fucked. Superman really needs to be a lot more careful when he travels away from Earth. Batman is probably better prepared to travel to other worlds than Superman. Hell, Aquaman is probably better prepared!

• Superman is still considering L'call's words that Luthor should be killed based on his future crimes. Is this some kind of Last Temptation of Kal-el thing going on? "Just do nothing, Superman!" whispered the devil who wasn't actually the devil but maybe a snake or a small bird or something. "All your troubles will be laid to rest if you simply ignore one man's death!" And Superman is all, "Take this cup away from me! For I don't want to taste its poison! Feel it burn me, I have changed! I'm not as sure as when I started!" Then George Carlin appears in a phone booth and says, "The clock in Metropolis is always ticking!"

• Superman attempts to break Lex out of jail on L'call's planet because fuck all these people who don't follow the laws of the United States of America, the most democratic and free country to ever...shit. I can't fucking say that anymore, can I? I mean, not that I ever said it anyway since it's disingenuous to say the United States is more democratic and free than multiple other countries around the world that have always done those things so much better. But poor Superman! How is he going to fight for truth, justice, and the American way when the American way no longer includes truth and justice?!

Superman's point is a lot like the conservatives' argument in favor of Trump. Except instead of "these premonitions of yours don't count," they're screaming, "Facts of what Trump is doing don't count and evidence of his inadequacy hardly counts! It doesn't matter that a small piece of my soul dies every time I have to defend something stupid he says because you lost, loser! Also any invasion in the Middle East isn't proof that he's fascist. That's just being sensible."

• I could also be less hyperbolic and more receptive to the idea that the way Superman is treating this problem is absolutely the way conservatives think they're treating Trump. To them, he hasn't done anything horrible yet! How can people be criticizing him so harshly?! They're all paranoid and crazy! Of course to think that way, they need to be ignoring an awful lot of evidence that Trump is tearing apart the government with almost certainly unconstitutional executive orders while doing everything he can to stifle the judicial branch of our government. Yes, I agree that he has yet to invade Mexico, you super-debater. Yes, I agree he hasn't committed genocide. Yes, I agree he hasn't gotten the trains to run on time. But if the lack of transparency and the blatant power grabs and his choices of cabinet positions of people who are either against the department or don't know a thing about it don't cause you any kind of intellectual concern, you might want to begin expressing to the rest of us what you really find compelling about Trump. I mean, unless those reasons make you look like a terrible person.

• L'call decides that Superman needs to see what happened to his planet and why he must kill Lex Luthor who had nothing to do with the death of his planet. Guilty!

• L'call is all, "See? See how terrible Hitler was? I mean Darkseid! And he's dead now but Donald Trump...I mean Lex Luthor will be the next Hitler! I mean Darkseid!" And Superman is all, "I don't see it. You can't impeach him. I mean kill him." And Dan Jurgens is all, "This is a good analogy, no?!"

Oh! I stand corrected. The Daily Planet is investigating Geneticron's disappearance!

• Back on L'call's home planet, the trial is underway. No wait! It's over already. Everybody said guilty. Even Superman. I guess Lex has to die.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic took twenty pages to tell the same story I told in three words in the caption for the cover!

Action Comics #969

Superman looks like Ma Kent just kicked him out of the kitchen after catching him trying to steal some brownies.

• Last issue, Lex Luthor was kidnapped by aliens because they need to put him on trial for future crimes. I'm not sure what kind of a trial that would be. The prosecution would be all, "He's going to destroy a planet in the future." And the judge would be all, "Defendant, how do you plead?" And the defendant would be all, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

• I just posted this on Facebook: "People find it insulting when I think they're dumb because they don't think Trump is dumb. What I find insulting is that people don't think, "Tess is so smart, maybe I should consider what he's saying. Maybe I am dumb!" Stop being so insulting to me!" I wonder how many family members won't realize I'm joking. I mean, sort of joking. They really should listen to me!

• I didn't say "how many friends won't realize I'm joking" because I'm only friends with smart people. And since they're smart, they share my opinions. It's not that I choose my friends because they echo the things I think. It's just that the things I think are the correct things to think which smart people think up. So if I'm friends with other smart people, they think up the same things I think up! I'm not friends with dumb people because how can you relate to them? I don't see people of average intelligence hanging out with people with intellectual disabilities. So why would I hang out with people of average intelligence?! It's pretty much the same thing. Besides, I usually wind up straining an eyeball due to all of the times I have to roll my eyes when they talk.

• I've been told people are put off when I admit to being super smart. Also when I quote myself. But I can't not quote myself! Who else is going to quote me if not me? Most people are too busy quoting Garfield and Marmaduke comic strips. They don't have time to read my quotes and then reread my quotes and then look up some of the longer words in the dictionary and then Google for an online dictionary when they can't find the word in the Urban Dictionary and then ask their smarter friends what the quote means before they memorize the quote and then use it completely out of context because they didn't understand their smarter friend's explanation and felt too stupid to ask for clarification!

• I don't mind if people are put off by my approach to life. Sometimes I find it funny to write like an idiot and sometimes I find it funny to write as if I'm the smartest person in the room (I'm alone right now with my cat so I'm fairly certain I'm the smartest person here (as long as you define "person" as "not a cat")). If other people don't find it funny and instead feel miffed that I'd brag about my smartitude, that's their problem with their own stupidity and lack of self-confidence. I'm not responsible for their confidence! I can only be responsible for mine! And I've been polishing that shit for over forty years now! It shines brighter than the sun, motherfuckers!

• Some people don't like it when I swear either. But I usually just tell my mom to fuck off and stop reading my private journals.

This is every scared idiot in America right now. "But if closing the borders will save lives (even though there's no evidence that people in the countries banned from entering are any kind of threat, historically or from intelligence briefings), we should totally throw the whole spirit of America into the fucking toilet!"

• This is the current "I can't think for myself but I heard this analogy somewhere" argument for closing our borders: "We lock our doors for a reason! Why don't we do the same for our borders!" But what that analogy is really saying is, "I look through my peephole when somebody knocks at the door and if they're brown, I don't fucking open that shit!" These are all the same people who don't feel safe without a gun. So they care about their own safety but for some reason they're completely deaf to any terrorist attack committed by a white male citizen of the United States. There's a term for these kinds of people but they really hate to hear it: racists. There's a reason nobody's talking about a wall on our Canadian border or stopping immigration from English speaking nations.

Lex here is currently me on Facebook arguing with conservative family members.

• Some of you might be thinking, "Ha ha! You (who is Lex) are getting your face smashed into a wall!" But he's still insulting their intelligence and they totally know he's right! That's the best way to get under somebody's skin. No matter what they do to you, emotionally or physically, just keep pointing out how dumb they are and they fucking can't take it. Mostly because dumb people will shout to the rafters how they're not dumb but inside they can't shake the knowledge that it's true. They really are as dumb as everybody knows they are.

• Lex thinks by denying that he'll destroy a world in the future, L'call the Godslayer will see the error of his ways and reasonably let Lex go. But Lex doesn't take into account that the guy calls himself a "godslayer." He not only believes in gods but he also believes he lays them. Or he is composed of a layer of gods? I don't know. His name is confusing. The point is that he believes in gods so he's not going to be swayed by a rational argument like "I didn't do that thing that I will do in the future!"

• Instead of killing Lex immediately, L'call decides to tell him the story about how he came to learn about Lex Luthor. That might seem like it's a standard part of the trial but according to some minor characters seen previously, L'call usually kills the Future Criminal before coming back to his home planet. Once again, the "bad" guy gives the "good" guy a chance to escape by actually being more restrained than the "good" guys usually are.

• You have to wonder how the main cast of The Walking Dead are the good guys when they murder people instantly and indiscriminately in order to survive. But killing quickly isn't the main reason they've all survived so long. The main reason is because the "bad" guys never kill them instantly! The "bad" guys always leave the "good" guys alive long enough to figure out a way to kill the "bad" guys. It really makes you wonder if we, the audience, haven't been tricked into rooting for the wrong group of survivors!

• L'call's story amounts to "Darkseid died so I was going to quit but then I heard that you were going to be the new Darkseid and I came out of retirement for one last mission." But since Lex Luthor isn't quite dead, L'call might be having second thoughts about the whole leaving retirement thing. Or he's just making the usual "bad" guy mistake and being reasonable and patient right up until he's dead.

• Meanwhile on Earth, Superman decides to visit Geneticron in its new location in the middle of the jungle. Not the most convenient location. Or most logical. I'm sure there's a good reason for the building having been plucked out of Metropolis and deposited in the jungle. I just don't think Dan Jurgens has figured out what that reason is yet.

Oh look! Dan just figured it out! It doesn't make any sense but at least he tried to explain it.

• Superman finds a portal back to L'call's homeworld inside Geneticron. Superman's supposition that L'call moved the building so that Superman wouldn't connect the dots relies pretty heavily on the idea that L'call knew about Superman. It also seems weird that L'call needed a portal to Earth with controls that opened the portal on the Earth side when he seemed to easily transport Lex back to his homeworld while in Metropolis (otherwise Superman could have followed him rather than relying on this whole "energy signature" thing). Superman also makes sure to point out that there are still parts of this mystery that he doesn't understand so that the reader can think, "Yeah, I'm right there with you Superman! This makes no sense at all!"

• It might all be nonsense but it allows Superman a way to travel to L'call's home to save Lex Luthor. I guess that's the most important part and I shouldn't look too closely at all of the other parts, like what ties Geneticron has to L'call or why L'call's portal home was inside the same kind of stasis shell that held Doomsday or why employees of Geneticron aren't flooding the Daily Planet with calls about how their place of employment simply disappeared.

The Ranking!
No change. Superman is actually going off-world to do some superhero stuff! Now when I read another comic book that points out the Justice League is off-world, I can remember this comic book and think, "Yeah! Superman does leave the planet sometimes! And nobody wants a Justice League without Superman coming to their rescue so saying that the Justice League is off-world when just Superman is makes sense. Who wants to call for the Justice League's help and wind up with Aquaman and Simon Baz?

Action Comics #964

This issue, Superman and Clark Kent fall into a vat of Red Kryptonite!

The Review!
Superman discovers, through the use of alien gadgets that are probably harmful to human cellular structures, that Clark Kent is really just Clark Kent. He's the human version of Superman without any of the super. Pretty much every other detail of his life is the same as Preboot Superman's life as Clark Kent. That would mean that one of the main differences between The New 52 Earth and the Preboot Earth is that New 52 Superman never actually had a secret identity. Which seems weird because why would he pretend he's Clark Kent to the woman who was putting three fingers up his ass as she sucked his cock?

You know what? I could go on like this for pages (theoretical pages since this is the Internet) pointing out all the ways that it doesn't make sense. Or I can just accept Clark Kent's story at face value! This Earth had a Clark Kent and a Superman who looked exactly alike and had the same fingerprints. I suppose I can believe that Superman was pretending to be Clark Kent for five years while Clark Kent vacationed in the Colorado mountains and Superman was simply lying to everybody about everything. I suppose it's not that hard to realize this is Dan Jurgen's way of offering the audience a premise that blatantly makes Scott Lobdell's run on Superman broken which means it can be thrown out entirely! The Rebirth version of New 52 Superman simply wasn't Clark Kent and that's that.

At least now when Clark Kent writes editorials where he completely sucks Superman's dick, it's less awkward than when Superman was actually writing those articles about himself. Although if Clark Kent isn't Superman, who the fuck cares about him? He can fuck off completely! Especially since Clark Smith has an interview with a local paper in Hamilton County! Although I'm now looking forward to the comic book "Superman's Pal Clark Kent's Pal Jimmy Olsen!"

After discovering the "truth" and returning Clark Kent to Metropolis, Superman discovers the Geneticron building has disappeared. Probably because it had all of the evidence that Clark Kent is actually a clone that somehow only retained the Clark Kent memories. Superman did get some information that Geneticron not only had the Doomsday clone that was released on Metropolis, it also had another unidentified body. That was probably released that day as well so it could get the scoop on the Doomsday story.

The issue ends with some guy in a red cap returning to his hotel room where he's living with a miniature version of Apokolips with a Superman tattoo on its chest. The guy in the red cap tells his roommate, Apokolips, "The only answer is death!" It looks like he's going to be an annoying twat in an upcoming issue.

The Ranking
0! Hey DC! Just let all of the bullshit be true because nobody wants a Clark Kent clone running around the DC Universe. Remember what happened to Spider-man when his comic book decided clones were a good answer to every fucking mystery? I don't really remember but I don't think it was great. Maybe that's why you had Geneticron disappear! Just get the one perfect clone and get rid of the process so hack writers can't use it to solve all of their plot problems.

Action Comics #963

"Superman, Meet Clark Kent" might make for an acceptable header for this comic book if it weren't for the "Part One". Does a story about two people meeting really need more than one part?

The Commentary!
• Superman just took five or six issues to defeat Doomsday. I hope it doesn't take as many to get Clark Kent in the sack.

• Clark Kent is way too fit to be a print journalist. Unless he's a gay print journalist! Does Lois have a brother named Louis?

• Apparently Clark is reinventing investigative journalism by breaking into buildings and beating the shit out of security guards.

If he wanted people to believe he wasn't Superman, perhaps he should stop acting like an asshole.

• It's possible that Clark's dictionary somehow mixed up the definitions for investigative journalist and vigilante.

• Clark attributes his ability to take down an armed security guard to wrestling calves back in Smallville. Holy shit. Smallville must have the meanest, most well armed cows in the country!

• I know Clark's method of investigating a story doesn't make much sense but wouldn't it be nice if actual journalists would do one percent of the shit Clark is doing to try to get to the truth?! I'm glad everybody is finally realizing that Fox News has really only been a distraction from the fact that all news outlets are garbage. It's just when you have one that is a garbage dump the size of Staten Island (was that redundant?), you tend to not notice the other piles of trash spread around the television dial.

• The narrative returns to the start of Clark's day so we can find out why he thought it was a good idea to break into a building with so many armed guards willing to shoot trespassers. He meets up with Perry so they can go see Luthor give a speech to his staff at the Daily Planet.

• Nobody believes Clark Kent is really Clark Kent. It makes sense that nobody would believe it because Clark isn't fucking explaining it to anybody. Clark Kent was Superman. Superman died. But there's still a Clark Kent claiming to be the real Clark Kent. Now unless the Kent's locked their real son in the storm cellar in favor of the alien they found crashed in a field, Clark Kent still existing makes no sense. Did Superman just lose his powers completely to the Sand Superman and now he's just plain old Clark Kent? I suppose since that escaped convict thought he was Superman, maybe he took all of Clark Kent's memories of being Superman so that this Clark Kent doesn't even realize he had been Superman! Maybe he's the same person but missing all of his Superman experiences so he can't explain to everybody how he's the actual Clark Kent. He would be just as confused as everybody else. Although if that's the case, wouldn't he be curious to find out why Lois thought he was Superman? Maybe he just thinks she was making a shitty play at a Pulitzer.

• Lex Luthor's meeting is all about Clark Kent! I hope we get to the bottom of this mystery right now at the beginning of Part One of "Superman, Meet Clark Kent"! What are the odds of that happening? Lousy, right?

Far away? What kind of imprecise reporting is that?! Where were you exactly? Show us some receipts!

• Since the company Clark is investigating is called Geneticron, it must mean he's a clone. Or maybe he's from Earth Bore.

• Clark Kent is given a lie detector test to determine if he's telling the truth about not being Superman. He passes. Which either proves that he's not Superman or completely proves that he's Superman and he can cheat a lie detector test! It's not like it would be hard! Many people cheat the lie detector test without even trying because it's a piece of shit test that doesn't actually prove anything except that a certain percentage of people act the same way when lying and the other percentage of people get fucked.

• Here are the reasons Clark gives for investigating Geneticron: "secretive communications that pointed to some serious business"; "strange purchases of rare metals"; "offshore accounts that pointed to money laundering"; and "rumors of a hidden vault with incredible secrets." Am I crazy or do none of those qualify for a reason to break in to a company and risk your life to find the story? Okay, the hidden vault is a good reason to do that but how is having a secret vault a criminal act by the company? So they have a hidden vault with secret shit that they don't want competitors to steal! What gives Clark the right to break in to find out what's in it?

• Clark does admit that maybe he should have come up with a better plan than breaking in to figure out what was in the hidden vault. I'm pretty sure what he'd find would be an empty Doomsday sized pod. Oh! If he found that, he'd actually have a justifiable reason for pursuing this story!

• Clark winds up on the roof of the building where the CEO ambushes him and throws him over the side. Clark is caught by Superman while everybody watches so they can all go, "Hey! It's Superman and Clark Kent! In the same place at the same time! Bah, we've all been fooled by this trick before!" Some of the people even say, "Duh! Weren't you idiots watching the Doomsday attack on television? Clark and Superman were seen together there too!"

• Next issue: Superman beats Clark near to death to get him to talk!

The Review
The Rebirth of Action Comics has been a huge disappointment. The first story is a story that didn't need to be repeated even though it's been about twenty five years since it was first told. Fuck Doomsday. Nobody cares about him anymore except DC and Dan Jurgens. And now a story about how Superman isn't Clark Kent at all and somehow never was or something. DC Comics goes through a really tough time whenever they try to fix their universe. In trying to return Superman to his former glory by simply replacing New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman and all of the history that went with it (which is mostly just the history back to sometime after Crisis when he was retooled? Who can fucking keep track!), they've destroyed the Clark Kent of this new DC Universe. But, for some reason, they still want a Clark Kent because Clark Smith just doesn't fucking cut the mustard, whatever that fucking means. But who the fuck cares about a fucking Clark Kent that doesn't have any-fucking-thing to do with Superman?! I figure Clark Smith Superman will let the sides of his hair go gray and this mysterious Clark Kent will eventually remember that he actually is Superman and the status quo will return to Pre-Crisis levels of confusion! I'm all for that but fuck Clark Kent, journalist and never-was-Superman asshole.

Ranking: -2!

Action Comics #958

I trust the Superman that doesn't have the glowing red devil eyes!

The Review!
"Action Comics is putting the action back into Action Comics! Also the comics! It's a really aptly named comic book!" I wonder if DC would use that blurb for the next Action Comics Trade Paperback? I wonder if Dan Jurgens is getting paid for rewriting the Death of Superman? Usually when I get something wrong at work and have to redo it, my boss just gets really angry and makes me stay until it's fixed even if I'm off the clock! I wonder if I can send my original copy of Death of Superman back to DC for a refund since it was obviously defective and needed upgrading. Not that I think Superman is going to die this time so technically it isn't a new version of The Death of Superman. It's more like The Death of Superman That Never Was Because He Didn't Die This Time by Dan Jurgens, 80s Robot. I wonder if Dan Jurgens speaks like Max Headroom? I wonder if he fucks like Max Headroom? I wonder what Max Headroom fucks like?! Anyway, if you like action and you like comics, you probably should have realized that this comic book is right up your alley.

The Commentary!
Some writers look back on their past writing and cringe. I look back on my past writing and think, "How me write well so good?" I thought getting more and more practice doing something was supposed to make you better at that something! What am I? Bizarro Writer? Every single thing I write now is shit! It's worse than shit! It's shit that ate bad shrimp and got diarrhea and shit an even worse shit! It's the kind of shit that makes that shit that shit it think, "Holy shit! I need to get my shit to a hospital!" At least I get to reward myself with masturbation after finishing a page. Or a paragraph. Or a...be right back!...sentence.

Maybe what's wrong is that I've written too much! My writing has always been purposely terrible and off-kilter. Maybe I've written 10,000 hours worth of writing and now I can't not write bad! Crap! That's my entire gimmick! Oh man. I need to think of a new gimmick! A good gimmick would be to write really smart and insightful things. But then I'd have to be smart and insightful. I wonder if I'm any good at pretending to be smart and insightful? Or I can just steal other people's insights!

Oh! I came up with a really good insight the other day while not reading the comments section of one of my commentaries! I was thinking, "Grunion?" That's what I call myself! Tess isn't my name, dum-dums! It's just the name of the blog! It makes sense if you say it out loud to your mother. You might not understand what you're saying as you say my blog's name but your mother will slap you. Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "King Beauregard...I mean, Grunion! What if New 52 Superman isn't actually dead at all? You know how he turned to dust? Maybe that was the Quarmer Superman! You know, the one made out of sand! Holy switcheroos! That would mean the real Clark Kent really is the real Clark Kent! And he probably lost all of his powers because the Quarmer took them all! So now there's a Clark Kent character that's the real Clark Kent and he's going to get to date the Superwoman Lois Lane and it'll be this whole role reversal thing where Clark gets to be in the crotchless panties and Lois gets to be on top eating deep dish pizza!" See? I'm so insightful and I didn't steal most of that insight at all!

This issue begins with Preboot Superman saying, "Hey! Remember all that stuff that happened in the previous comic books? Well you should because I just reminded you! Now let's get on with the story! Hopefully it won't be a repeat of the last time I met Doomsday or this will be the shortest run of Action Comics ever!" You might be thinking 958 issues isn't really a short run but it's the only run of Action Comics, so it's the shortest! I'm not going to complicate the issue by pointing out how Action Comics was renumbered for awhile and how we're all pretending the renumbering never happened now.

Why would you want a copyrighted image going viral?! You'll never collect royalties from all those dum-dum Facebook users! Besides, won't Lex own it? I bet he forgets to even credit Jimmy in the Daily Planet!

Clark is all, "Viral?! This could make the Special Edition of a hard copy of a newspaper that nobody reads anymore! You'll make a few bucks!" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah, but how do you expect to write it when you're a part of the story?!" Pshaw! Like that's ever stopped Clark before!

Dr. Ozymanhattan continues to watch the action on his multiple television screens. If I were smart and insightful, I'd come up with a reason his staff looks like it looks. What is it? A fermata on the end of a staff? It doesn't look enough like one but that would make sense. I bet Dr. Manhattan's atom symbol on his forehead has worn down a bit so that it now looks like a fermata. That would be a smart thing, right?!

Lois and Jon are watching the battle at home which means news cameras are filming the entire fight. So I don't know why Jimmy thinks his still photography is going to make him famous! Those stills will be yawnsville by the time he gets them developed!

I'm so smart to have read that thing you don't need to know about that caused me to figure out that Quarmer angle!

Doomsday and Superman battle for a bit. At least Jurgens remembers how boring he made the fight last time he wrote it so he intersperses it with scenes of other people. Lex is all, "Clark Kent?! But...but...but...how?!" And Lois is all, "Enough television, young man! You'll ruin your supper!" And Jon is all, "I can fly! I can fly! I can fly! I can fly!" He sings it really campy for some reason. Oh wait. That was me singing it out loud. Never mind.

The issue ends with Doomsday about to crush Lex's head. Not in a funny Kids in the Hall way either! More like in a funny while smoking pot and watching Faces of Death way! And, of course, Dr. Voyeur continues to monitor the situation. I bet he jerks it constantly under those robes.

Action Comics #957

Oh shit! I missed 905 issues of Action Comics!

The Review or Whatever!
Action Comics now comes out every two weeks! And it's already at #957! That means we'll have the first #1000 of a comic book in...um...three months? I, um, did the math exactly right and you're doing it wrong because what you didn't account for is how Marvel is just going to start numbering one of their comics at #1000 and begin working backwards. And DC will be all, "Aw! That's cheating! I wish we'd thought of that!" Hey! You know who actually thought of that? Me! I did! It's such a great idea that I'd better write and publish Grunion Guy #1000 before somebody steals my idea!

This issue begins with Jimmy Olsen and Captain Maggie Sawyer and the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit hanging out at Geneticron waiting for a hostage situation to resolve itself. Geneticron is the kind of name somebody from 1986 would come up with for a future technologies business! Oh yeah! Dan Jurgens is writing this! I love that befuddled robot!

The hostage situation resolves itself when Lex Luthor, wearing his new Apokoliptian Battle Armor, beats the crap out of the hostagers. Is that what you call people who take hostages? Spellcheck doesn't like it so maybe it's spelled with an "o": hostagors. Nope! Anyway, I bet Lex's new armor is irradiating everybody he comes into contact with. No way that armor passes any federal regulations! It was built on Apokolips! It's probably powered by Apokoliptian Plutonium which is probably called Darkseidium and is much more powerful and dour than Plutonium!

Everybody is super surprised to see Lex Luthor wearing the Superman symbol. What gives him the right?! Oh! I bet I know! I bet he trademarked the symbol when Superman refused to, didn't he?! He is going to make so much cash on the merchandise.

Come on, Lois! You know the most important thing in a comic book is the news playing in the background that the superhero can overhear! You and Clark will be thanking Jon by the next page!

Right on cue on the next page, the news cuts to Lex Luthor declaring himself the protector of the city! Lois and Clark almost miss it while they're lecturing Jon about not using super powers to do mundane things like unpacking and other daily chores. Lois declares it cheating! How is that cheating?! Jon and Clark still have to put in the effort. Why waste time pretending they can't do the job quicker than normal?!

Oh! You cheater, Superman! Using your powers to shave! You should get a Kryptonite blade and Red Sun Shaving Cream and shave just like a normal person!

Clark White decides that he needs to replace Dead Superman because Lex Luthor makes him want to throw up. He's given up his black Superman suit and replaced it with a variant of the New 52 suit that keeps the underwear on the inside. Or maybe there's no underwear at all! Is that kinky or disgusting? Can normal human laundry detergent get Kryptonian sweat stains out of the crotch of a super suit?

While the Metropolis Special Crimes Unit were watching the hostagers in the lobby, the real culprits were busy stealing all of the genes from the top floor. The mastermind behind this crime is some guy sitting in front of a bank of television sets. Oh, so it's Ozymandias, is it? Or is that Doctor Oz now? I bet he's stealing a bunch of DNA records so he can find this Earth's Rorschach before this Earth's Rorschach can make a show of being more ethical than Ozymandias.

Oh, it turns out whatever was stolen from Geneticron was a creature in some metal coffin. Since this story is called "Path to Doom", it must be Doomsday, right? Is the first thing Preboot Superman is going to do after going public is shit his pants? I mean have to have a rematch with Doomsday?

Superman takes a moment to tell Lex that Lex doesn't get to play Superman. But when Lex refuses to give up the power suit, Superman tries to take it from him by force.

Bullshit! That practically proves that's it's New 52 Superman! I thought Preboot Superman was supposed to be more cautious and less rash.

Meanwhile Perry White sends some familiar voiced reporter to report on Superman's return. Jimmy Olsen recognizes the mystery reporter but the comic book doesn't reveal who the surprise person is! Jurgens really wants the reader to think it's Clark Kent which means it's totally somebody else.

Um, like I said, it's totally Clark Kent!

The creature escapes from the Geneticron container, just like Dr. Oz wanted, and crashes down to the ground between Superman and Lex Luthor. Doomsdaddy's home!

This whole Dr. Oz plan seems pretty familiar! Drop a monster into the middle of a city causing so much death and destruction that everybody around the world hugs everybody else around the world and the cold war ends immediately! Um, I mean, terrorism everywhere ends immediately! Although, seriously, how could Ozymandias's plan in the movie adaptation of Watchmen have brought peace to the world? So blowing up a bunch of cities and making Doctor Manhattan the bad guy would have solved all the problems which lead to terrorism and global conflict? It would have simply caused more global conflict as Doctor Manhattan would have seemed less like an independent rogue and more like a United States of America super weapon! Maybe I'm remembering the movie incorrectly. I mean, it's not like I read the original Watchmen and thought teleporting a monstrous squid into Times Square would have united the world! But at least the rest of the book was interesting and the ending was satisfying enough for the themes established. I guess!