All Star Western #34

Just pretend I said the most obvious thing you can think of about this cover. I'm too depressed to care.

All Star Western has consistently been one of the most entertaining comic books of The New 52. It was fun and interesting and had some characters with which I could identify. But that time is over. This is the last issue of the comic book. I'm sad to see it go but all things eventually explode their brains all over the far wall, slide slowly down to the ground, stop moving forever, and are soon forgotten by everybody else that are busy with the job of living. It's just the way it is! Unless I'm mixing up reality with zombie flicks again.

Speaking of not being in touch with reality and zombie flicks, all y'all that participate in those zombie crawls had better fucking be careful! All it takes is one schizophrenic with access to a shotgun and a penchant for zombie films to stumble around the wrong corner and think, "Holy fuck! I need to save the world!" I have a feeling this kind of thing already happened once in Seattle a number of years ago. That might be the one time I could let somebody off for mass murder. You'd have to realize their heart was in the right place when they came back to the scene of the zombie invasion with a shotgun intent on saving the world. People always say it's the intent that counts, right?! Do they say that? I don't know if they say that. I don't interact with a lot of people.

I'm already starting to tear up and get sad!

The reason I'm sad is because, I figure, there's only one possible way this book can end and that's with the death of the Jonah Hex we've been following for the last thirty four issues. You see, we can't have a Jonah Hex without the facial scar. So the way I see it, All Star Western #1 began the story in a timeline that was not the regular New 52 New Earth timeline. When Jonah Hex went into the future with Booster Gold (who probably was the "real" Booster Gold that had found himself lost in time and timelines), he crossed over into The New 52 New Earth timeline. That timeline had its own Jonah Hex who our Jonah Hex met stuffed and mounted while in the future. That stuffed Jonah still had the facial scars and was much older than our Jonah which proves that's the Jonah that will survive this coming, ahem, face off. Booster returned Jonah to the past of the New 52 New Earth timeline where he never belonged. He's now heard tales of a person going around as himself and feels he must go confront the imposter. But he will learn that he himself is the imposter. Once our Jonah Hex is killed and All Star Western ends, what we'll be left with is a perfectly blank slate Jonah Hex which the next writers that use him can do whatever they want with. He will not be tied to anything that came before in All Star Western.

Hopefully what I just wrote happens even though it's sad to think about. I like the idea of this character I've been following and fallen in love with, this Jonah Hex, will have a complete story told within the thirty four issues of this comic book. It feels right. The only other ending I can imagine is that our Jonah Hex will be maimed in the fight and survive with the same disfiguring scar as before. But I hope that won't be the case. I truly hope Jonah, this Jonah--our Jonah--dies in the upcoming battle.

Now excuse me while I read the rest of this comic book without comment. I need a private moment.

Dammit! I can't just keep reading without commenting on this!

George Barrow was the name of the man that killed Jonah Hex in old continuity!

So it looks like our Jonah is definitely out of his own time. Hopefully Gray and Palmiotti are just playing on the old continuity to set up twisting the story somewhat in this one. Otherwise after our Jonah kills this time's Jonah, he'll be killed by the owner of the Spectacular Wild West Review (or his bodyguard, more like). I don't want both Jonahs to die!

The man helping out this timeline's Jonah Hex (who doesn't have as impressive a scar as we're all used to but you can never know what's going on from artist to artist. This guy could just be an imposter by the looks of him) is named Wheeler. Lew Wheeler was the name of the man what killed George Barrow. All this is detailed in DC's 1985 Who's Who series! So now I'm not sure what's going to happen! Maybe this guy is a fake because his scar sucks and the guy coming into town right now to kill him is the real real Jonah Hex and our Jonah Hex is going to just walk away while they kill each other! And then maybe another Jonah Hex from Earth-36 will appear and he'll marry Amadeus Arkham! That should be the All Star Western Annual #1 story!

After seeing the fake Jonah Hex, I don't want that thing I first said I want to happen happen. He's a pudgy, ugly, uncharismatic train wreck. I want my Jonah Hex to live!

Hopefully Jonah Hex will work out a deal with the Wild West Show man Farnham to tell the story that's in DC's Who's Who. He'll kill this fake Jonah (that I don't even want to think of as the Jonah of this timeline anymore! Let's just say I was wrong about that and that Jonah was gone long enough for this guy to fill the vacuum and live off Jonah's reputation, and then say no more about how wrong I was), sell the corpse to Farnham, and disappear with Tallulah. Farnham will say that he killed Hex's killer and there you have it! Easy as Bob's your uncle! Or something.

After Tallulah goes to sleep, Jonah heads over to confront fake as fuck Jonah Hex. And he heads over with a hatchet, so it looks like he's going to get that corpse looking just right for the part as a future stuffed oddity! Jonah isn't going to change the grim future he saw; he's going to make it happen. He's my kind of guy with a keen understanding of time travel!

Actually, Jonah's just a murderous dope that kills a guy because he was pretending to be him. Then he and Tallulah walk away as Lew Farnham (Farnum, Farnham...it's spelled differently in two different places in the book) takes the body of the fake Jonah to add to his show. Wheeler just gets the name of Hex's killer from Jonah which is George Barrow. And so the story is retold letting Jonah Hex live. I liked my version as well but since I like this character so much, I'm glad he'll be around for more stories later. Especially since the fake Jonah Hex was a horrid lout!

Aw! He even does the "you're an X" elementary school comeback! I love him so much!

All Star Western #34 Rating: +5 Ranking! What a great fucking ending to this book. I love that Jonah Hex was the architect for the his own death as written in the history books (and DC's Who's Who!). It's such a perfect way to leave a character from the New 52's past. Nothing is written in stone because nobody from the future even knows about Jonah Hex's secret life after he supposedly died. I look forward to the next Jonah Hex series where he gets lost at sea and winds up in Australia. Or maybe he'll have more time travel adventures. Or maybe he'll discover Atlantis. I bet Mera is one of his descendants. She's got a temper just like Hex's! Um, anyway, I loved the entire run of this series and the ending was more perfecter than even the horribly depressing ending that I came up with!

All Star Western #32

Last issue's cover incorrectly portrayed Jonah with his old scars. This cover incorrectly portrays Tallulah as having no scars. That must be what idiots refer to as "equal time."

You know how people say you can't really change anybody's mind through discussion and rational debate? People generally need some kind of emotional connection to get them to reconsider some long-held belief before they even begin to possibly start to maybe rethink their position. The most you can usually hope to do is plant a seed in the other person's mind and hope they don't uproot it immediately and piss all over it to make sure it's dead. But I have a sure fire way of getting people to instantly question their own beliefs! It might take a little effort but isn't it worth it to stop your sibling from believing some stupid shit that you totally don't believe and think that everybody else should believe as well?

Here's what you do! The person whose mind you want to change probably severely dislikes certain types of people. Maybe they hate liberals or dirty hippies or business men in three piece suits or Jews. You'll want to hire a few people belonging to the group that your antagonist hates and make sure they'll be at a table in a cafe or restaurant that you and your antagonist can sit next to. Then you have them loudly discuss the subject that you and your antagonist have been discussing. Make sure you've paid your actors enough so they don't fuck it all up though! So the actors should be speaking in general terms without defending either side of the argument. Your antagonist will probably assume they're going to be on your side of the argument and roll his eyes and maybe make jerk-off motions as he eavesdrops. That's when your actors should start vehemently supporting his side! They should be rabid in their support of the subject! They should make claims that your antagonist has made but with even more passion and certainty! Then the actors should just quiet down and change the subject or just get the fuck out or whatever. Then you don't even mention it. Don't continue talking about the subject. Just ignore it. If your antagonist wants to bring it up, just hand wave the suggestion away and begin looking at the menu. You've now got your antagonist wondering why the fuck he agrees with the dirtbags that just left! He'll question and explore his reasons for believing what he believes because it's too horrible to think that they think the same way that he does! The next time your antagonist brings up the discussion, play a little middle of the road. Ease your antagonist along slowly. Maybe touch your antagonist's hand lightly and say, "It's a complicated matter." If eventually your antagonist continues to believe the same thing your antagonist has always believed, you should just stab your antagonist in the throat and be done with the matter.

Meanwhile in the Old West, Jonah Hex has been busy catching hoodlums to pay for his big bounty hunting expedition where he hunts down himself.

Ten thousand?! Just retire and forget about evil Jonah Hex!

Well, Jonah doesn't have the ten thousand yet and it doesn't look like he's going to get it any time soon since the entire town owns guns and the entire town wants to shoot some strangers. Did they miss the sign with the name of the town on it on the way in? I bet it read:

FUCKYOU
Population: None of your Gotdamn Business.

Luckily for Hex and Black, the town doesn't actually want to shoot anybody. They just want to take Blackthorne's ten thousand dollar bounty for themselves.

Unluckily for the townsfolk, they don't actually want to shoot anybody.

When Jonah and Tallulah wake up tied to their horses miles outside of town, Tallulah feels it's a perfect time to tell a story about a lucky shotgun. Hell, she's not wrong! Any time is right for a story about a lucky shotgun!

I'd repeat the story here but it's not the right time for it.

A preacher and his wife happen upon Jonah and Tallulah and quite aptly fail to untie them. They do give them a bit of Biblical advice which I'm sure is the next best thing to being rescued.

That preacher is going to do well for himself out west. He's just the right amounts of cautious and ornery.

Actually the preacher doesn't do as well as I thought since come morning, Jonah and Tallulah's horses bring them upon the preacher and his wife getting the crap kicked out of them by some thugs. Maybe he had too much ornery and not enough cautiousness! And since Jonah and Tallulah don't really have a say in the amount of cautiousness they can currently employ, they ride up on the thugs and quickly have their horses shot out from under them. Fucking dicks. I bet that was Tallulah's lucky horse!

That's going to be a hard promise to keep, sir!

All Star Western #32 Rating: No change. I thoroughly enjoy this book just about every month and would make it the #1 ranked comic book if I could! But I can't because the math behind the rankings can't just be fudged for one book without completely collapsing the underlying equation that keeps the rest of the New 52 sorted! So just understand while this might not be the best book of The New 52, it is definitely my current favorite. It wins the Tess's Pick Award for Outstanding Amorality and Shoot Em Up Bang Bang Times!

All Star Western #30

Since Gina's death, did Jonah stumble into a campfire face-first?

This issue begins with Hex digging a grave and the Narrator getting unduly philosophical on the nature of time and ding dongs. Well, maybe the Narrator doesn't talk about ding dongs. But I was thinking about ding dongs. Not the delicious, capitalized and trademarked Ding Dongs! The ding dongs that men have between their legs! Don't ask me why I was thinking about their veiny, throbbing, pre-ejaculate glistening, orifice seeking existence! It's too disturbing to even contemplate being that Jonah Hex is digging a grave for the sexiliciously sexy but now dead Gina. I wonder if he buried her with her clothes on? Dusty red dirt flung on top of her pearl white skin, settling slowly into every crevice and fold and pouty, bluing lips....

Maybe that should be my epitaph? "Tess always thought about inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times." Unless that's a stupid epitaph because when is an appropriate time to think about inappropriate things? A better epitaph would read, "Why the fuck did anybody ever read anything Tess ever wrote? Sicky weirdos!"

I imagine sassy, smart-mouthed clerks didn't last very long in the Old West. Randall and Dante would have been riddled with bullets in the first five minutes of the film.

Tallulah comes into town murdering thieves and thieving keys off of their corpses. Except it's just one thief she murders and one key she thieves, so I don't know why I pluralized everything in that last sentence. I suppose it could be that I don't know what I'm doing! I wish I was into math instead of nothing! Then I could have a math blog and post things like, "Isn't it cool that 2 + 2 = 4 all of the time, every time!" And people will go, "Like! Like! Like!" And then one asshole will go, "Actually, that only works if we're dealing with a base ten system and we agree on the signifiers used to communicate the equation." And then I'd shoot myself in the face rather than deal with some jerk that begins every single one of their sentences since they learned to construct sentences with "actually."

Jonah reintroduces himself to Tallulah because Gina died a week ago and Jonah hasn't had sex now for six days. So he's all, "Hey Tallulah Black! Remember how much you like the friction caused by rubbing our thingies together?" And Tallulah is all, "Hells yeah! Wait. Who are you?!" And Jonah is all, "Hey baby! It's me! Jonah Hex!" And Tallulah is all, "Why doesn't your face look like a raccoon trampled by a stampede of wild buffalo?" And Jonah is all, "My face might look different but little Jonah is exactly the same! Except I might have brought back Chlamydia which will totally change history somehow!"

I wonder if in the future, teenagers will study a famous book that uses the Californication "is/was all" instead of says/said? Is that even a Californian thing or just a generational affectation? It's hard for me to tell seeing as how I grew up in California and, at times, I've wanted to stab people in the face for the amount of times they shoved the word "like" into a sentence. I find myself, like, doing it sometimes and I, like, despise myself for it. Anyway, "is all" is just one of my favorite ways of shoving a full conversation into a single paragraph!

For an audience to accept a writer breaking traditional rules regarding writing, grammar, and language in general, the writer usually has to have previously proven that they understand the rules that they're breaking. The readers often need to understand that there is a battle going on inside the words and language being used or else they'll just abandon the written piece due to their belief that it's ignorant twaddle. Of course, you'll never win over the pretentious assholes who feel the constant need to prove they know more than everybody else. But what are you going to do about them anyway? Fuck those prigs!

Gina who?

Jonah's story about traveling through time is interrupted by the Clem Hootkins Gang. Who should be mostly dead. So it looks like Booster wasn't too specific about when he sent Jonah back in time.

The Jonah Hex part of the story was short to make way for a Madame .44 story because DC Comics hasn't had enough Madame .44 stories in the Reboot. Especially ones drawn by really old men!

Madame .44 is a dumb name. Also, I just decided to create a superhero named Madame Edamame.

The story is about demons and gold mines and manipulative whores and paranoid sons and rattlesnakes and dynamited mines and betrayal and dead whores and supernatural underground glowing lakes and corsets and such. Typical old west stuff.

All Star Western #30 Rating: No change. I miss Moritat! And full length Jonah Hex stories! And my youth!

All Star Western #13

I don't like the art on the cover although Jonah looks more hideous here than he usually does. Which is a good thing.

A new drug has come to the shores of America! It's Dr. Jekyll's Calming and Restorative Tonic! Guaranteed to make clowns less depressing and circus jugglers less annoying! Hate walking to work amidst streets full of shit? Take a liberal sip of Dr. Jekyll's Calming and Restorative Tonic! It'll soothe your mood and make you forget you're living in the 1800s! Warning: May cause severe disfigurement and homicidal outbursts.

Not recommended for use during church services.

I think the next standard line is, "The Lord can't protect you now!" Or something.

Why even bother saying, "Protect me, Lord." If the Lord works in mysterious ways, what is pleading with him going to do? If everything has a reason, then who are you to ask for something possibly not destined to happen? If God has the ability to change the outcome of things that are already going to happen, does he know he's going to change the outcome? Does he see you getting murdered in church but when he hears the plea, "Protect me, Lord," he suddenly decides to intervene and change what he was going to allow to happen?

What I'm trying to say is this: isn't praying arrogance?

God: "Ah! Time to watch my creations even though I already know what they're going to do and how I'm going to react to what I see."
Scared Priest: "Huff! Huff!"
Murderer: "Ha ha ha! I'm going to kill you! Ha ha ha!"
God: "Oh! Here is where that Gotham Priest gets killed just like I planned because his murder will get the ball rolling an a cure for cancer 250 years into the future. This should be interesting."
Scared Priest: "Protect me, Lord."
God: "Oh fuck. Well, he did ask. And he does believe in Me. I guess I'll save him! Too bad though! My mysterious ways will have to wait and I guess that'll change the timetable on a cancer cure to...let's see...650,000 years. But he's praying and he's faithful! What can I do? You may live, Priest!"

Of course I don't think this priest is going to live at all! But how dare he ask for some kind of special compensation. His prayer really should just be, "Do Thy will, Lord, for Ye work in mysterious ways that no man shall ever know but I am sure they are for the greater good of Your supreme creation! Amen!"

Turns out the priest being chased inside his church is even funnier than I first suspected!

Is this a Death of the Family tie-in?

Gotham doesn't need to fear though! Even though a psychotic clown is terrorizing the city one hundred years earlier than expected, the police have their brightest minds on the case!

I think the sheriff's dying wish was to allow Arkham and Hex free in/out privileges to every murder scene in Gotham.

Isn't there always a circus in town? A very particular circus? Yeah, Haly's is in town yet again. And it looks like Hex, Arkham, and Black are not the only ones looking for answers there.

It's the Barbary Ghost!

Aha! Yanmei Tsen's back-up story ended with her and her grandfather finding out that her mother was still alive but had been sold to a circus as a prostitute. Circuses back then were amazing! I guess while mom took the kids to get popcorn and see the animals, dad went around back and spent a full week's pay. I did watch Carnivale, so I shouldn't be so surprised. Perhaps I just thought that particular circus had prostitutes. I wonder if every event back then where a man would take his entire family had prostitutes to keep the man from getting too bored having to spend time with his rotten kids.

Anyway, I wonder if The Barbary Ghost's mother has become the Court of Owls' Talon? I have to say I'm pretty impressed the way that back-up story is coming together with the main story. All Star Western has better world building than all of the other New 52 comics put together!

Asking questions about her mother quickly gets Yanmei in trouble with The Golden Dragons. I suppose they constantly hide in the rigging of the Big Top waiting to start a fight with anybody asking the wrong kind of questions.

What happens next has become a staple of this comic book: the beautiful woman in gorgeous boots and sexy clothes flipping and high-kicking the shit out of a bunch of men without shirts. It's really become one of my favorite parts of the book, especially because I've become a super fan of Moritat's art. I think Moritat's art is extremely creative and, yes, cute. It hits that sweet spot in me between realism and comic book art. He knows the craft of drawing bodies. Describe a scene and he'll draw it as you describe it instead of reinterpreting it to make it easier to draw. And the smaller he does his stuff, the cuter I find it!

Two more pages like this follow. All worth it.

How can I analyze what I love about All Star Western's fight scenes versus so many other comic book's fight scenes? One thing I know I like: no fucking Narration Boxes. Why do so many comic book writers feel the need to have their manipulation of words appear on every page. It makes little sense to have the kinds of complex thoughts going through a person's head when they're executing their martial craft and fighting to stay alive. But I also like that Moritat and the creative team use panels. Eighteen panels in the three pages where Yanmei is fighting alone. The average before I gave up counting panels per page a long time ago was right around four. And action scenes are often worse because the creative team often feels a splash page needs to be thrown in for emphasis. And I mentioned his poses earlier. He doesn't just stick with a few standard fight stances. He never poses anybody with their chests sticking out and chin up ready to fight. Everything is natural and fluid. I just love this shit.

That may be as close as I come to a fanboy rant. But I figure since I'm a literature guy, I tend to focus on the words. When I find art that truly makes me happy to look at, I should be saying a lot more about it in these commentaries. But I figure since I scan so much of the book as I read, people can see the art for themselves and make a decision too.

At the end of this fight, the Golden Dragons finally get the drop on Yanmei. But Hex and Black arrive just in time to even the odds and defeat the Golden Dragons. But Yanmei slips out before they can speak with her.

Since The Jonah Hex Gang weren't there to speak with this mysterious woman, they simply let it slip their minds as they go to speak with Mister Haly. Haly gives them a list of other missing Circus Folk and, of course, it's a list of perfect Gotham villain types! Besides the clown, there is a knife thrower, an animal trainer, and a sideshow performer who's tattooed and pierced all over. It's a list of crazies that would make Batman jizz in his pants.

Outside, the formula (I'm assuming!) is being distributed in classic barker style.

"It's a panacea for everything!" -- Local Portland Newscaster

But then all hell breaks loose as Jingles the Clown and the Animal Trainer return! Clowns and tigers begin attacking the crowd although Hex blows the clowns brains out almost immediately. The animal trainer is immediately eaten by one of the tigers he frees. I think this is commentary about wild animals always being wild animals or something! Tallulah kills one tiger and Jonah kills the other. Except I guess there were three, so one runs free while Haly worries about his Circus's reputation. I don't think he needs to worry! He'll always have funding as long as he continuously produces Talons.

While everyone cleans up and Arkham, Haly, and the police go to speak with the Snake Oil Guy, Reginald (the guy who hired Hex's crew to stop the spread of the formula) has gone to the train station to pick up an old friend.

So Dr. Jekyll wants to become an Eclipso'd Mr. Hyde? Maybe he can find a Blue Beetle to fuse to his spine as well? And maybe chug some Gingold while he's at it!

The back-up story is about Manifest Destiny and how the great warrior Tomahawk foolishly tried to stop it! Haven't you heard, Tomahawk? The white man has declared that the white God has declared that this land belongs to the white man. So put down your weapons and get to stepping! Sheesh. It's not like the white man wants to kick you off the land. But God! God said it belongs to him! You want the white man to deny God?!

Lots of Native Americans are killed, including Tomahawk's family, and now Tomahawk is going to war. And it's a good thing since the white man has been going to war all over you for a long fucking time now. Oh! I just thought up a knock knock joke!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
The White Man!
The White Man who?
Get out of my fucking house!

All Star Western #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Really? I'm going to drive this comic further up the charts? Yeah, I guess I am. It's fun and looks terrific. Highly recommended.