Vigilante: Southland #3

Vigilante is still high as fuck.

The Review!
Last issue ended with Vigilante being framed for murder! Since he's a black man with a weapon in a house he doesn't own next to a dead body, he doesn't take the time to start a rational conversation about how he couldn't be the murderer based on the brain splatter patterns and the caliber of the sniper bullet and the broken window which the bullet came through and a whole bunch of other evidence that would probably exonerate him but it would be too late because he would have been shot dead immediately. So instead he begins fighting for his life against a full SWAT team who aren't high as fuck. He is in trouble!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S KEVLAR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WE'RE DEFEATED!"

That caption wasn't hyperbole. The SWAT team really are defeated by the Kevlar. It's pretty embarrassing.

The Kevlar doesn't stop the SWAT team from shooting at Vigilante because Kevlar isn't a magic force field! I mean, it basically is in comic books but I have to believe that this comic book is pretending it isn't or else why wouldn't the SWAT team just stop shooting and go home? I mean, Kevlar, bitches! That's like Starfleet going up against Romulan cloaking technology! There's no way to fucking win! Unless you're Captain Kirk, of course. He's the anti-Kevlar!

The Kevlar isn't the only thing that helps Vigilante escape. He also confuses the SWAT team with a huge bong hit.

The sniper who sniped the guy who got sniped also gets away. But not before revealing to the reader that he has an upside down diamond tattooed under his left eye. That's a clue to the mystery! I kind of forget what the mystery was though. Part of the mystery was The Case of the Dead Girlfriend Who Probably Should Have Been the Main Character of this Comic Book. But she was investigating a mystery too and that's the one I can't really remember. I don't think it matters as long as Vigilante engages in some really exciting car chases and gun fights.

Some stuff takes place that has to do with the bad guy Spectros and his boss. His boss is a nearly naked woman who later gets naked because she's been a bad girl. Both of them want Vigilante dead.

Last commentary, I said "Vigilante" was one typo away from a sort of lewd word. It confused me at first because even I find my writing confusing if I'm not in the exact same head-space. But I quickly realized I must have meant "Vagilante."

Luckily for the plot and the reader, Vigilante found a clue while escaping the frame-up. He got the ID number of the sniper's boat! Now he's got something to investigate so the rest of this comic book isn't just Donny (that's Vigilante's real name!) getting his ass kicked in training by a guy in a wheelchair.

While investigating the boat, Vigilante is attacked by Diamond Eye Dick who tries to kill him. Since Diamond Eye Dick isn't in a wheelchair, you'd think he'd have a greater than 100% chance of defeating Donny. But you'd be wrong because apparently Donny's weakness is guy's in wheelchairs. He manages to fend off Diamond Eye Dick and escape. But while escaping on his motorcycle, he falls asleep. Probably because he's high as fuck. And just to make matters worse, he crashes right by two hungry pit bulls! To be continued! Such drama!

The Ranking!
-1! That was kind of a weak cliffhanger. It was almost as if Gary realized he was coming up on twenty pages and he was all, "Shit! I have Vagilante escaping on a motorcycle but how is that for an exciting ending?! I know! I can introduce his narcolepsy! And he can fall asleep! And he can crash! But that's not good enough, dammit! Oh! I know! DOGS! Wild dogs should be seen menacing him! BOOM! Thrilling ending! What's in store for old Vigilante next month?! Rabies? Maybe!"

The Hellblazer #4

This looks like a cover for The Watchtower. "Top Ten Tips For Asking Jesus To Keep Your Tie From Getting Caught In Your Bicycle Chain."

• This issue begins with John Constantine tied up next to Chas. Well fuck that. My favorite part of kidnapping stories is when they tie the person to the chair! I can't get enough of amateurs tying ridiculous knots that you know will never hold! One time, I saw a kidnapper tie someone with a few slipped round turns! Ridiculous! Or, like in this comic book, when they tie two people together back to back and think that's going to hold! People are squishy! You can generate a lot of slack just by puffing out your belly when you're being tied! Then, once everything seems taut and in place, you suck in your belly, deflate your lungs, collapse your ribcage, and voila! You're free! Idiots.

• Constantine knows the bookie thugs from school. Apparently they're racist assholes. Come on, Oliver! Not all bookies are racist violent assholes! Some are just violent assholes! Although I probably shouldn't assume that Simon Oliver is commenting on all bookie thugs just by his characterization of this one. Although a large number of citizens did vote for Brexit due to their fear of foreigners coming into the country, so maybe this guy's racist tendencies are less because he's a bookie and more just because he's a working class Brit.

• I'm not slagging off Brits! I'm an American! We have even more racist working class and president elects than they do! Also more racist everything elses, like whatever you call the other classes in America that aren't working class. First and business?

• The racist bookie wants John to teach him how to pick horses before he blows John's head off with his shotgun. That seems dangerous. If I knew somebody who could do real magic, I don't think I'd try to force them to teach me a spell. They might teach me a spell that causes me to not feel when I have to take a shit anymore! And I'd have the added embarrassment that I cast it on myself!

• Constantine sends the bookie, White Boy, out to get some magical supplies. He's just stalling until the genies show up. This is like a movie by that guy who married Madonna! You know the guy! He made that heist movie called Vagina, and that other one, Two Smoking Barrels and a Microphone!

• So that was the first quarter of the comic, spent in Chas's kitchen arguing with a racist jerko. The next quarter will be about Swamp Thing as he waits for Mercury to return from her wormhole adventures. He's probably going to fight a bunch of Rotlings during this part. It's probably a good time to go to the bathroom. All you'll miss out on is a poorly choreographed fight between a plant and a decaying pile of ooze.

Hurry back! It's almost over!

• Constantine had better hurry up and get out of the chair he's tied to because Swamp Thing isn't doing well battling The Rot inside The Rot. But right now, John's too busy trying to convince Chas that Chas isn't going to die even though every person who ever winds up in a comic book with Constantine winds up dead. Well, maybe not every person. But a lot of them! Although most of those that die, John didn't rely upon for transportation.

• By chanting a bunch of Latin words, Constantine stalls long enough for the genies to arrive. At least I think the words are Latin. They look like the kind of words I've seen inscribed on pretentious marble structures.

• The Djinn arrive and kill all of the racist assholes because racist assholes aren't allowed to live happily ever after in stories. It would be irresponsible of a writer to portray a world where being racist and an asshole (I mean, a major asshole and not just a minor asshole!) brings you success and good fortune! I suppose there are stories where the racist pretty much wins in the end, like Othello. But right up front, the author makes sure the audience knows that the story is a tragedy and that everybody should be sad when Othello loves so well that he murders Ophelia. Unless it was Desdemona who he murdered. Or Cleopatra.

• Constantine shows up at Mercury's farm just as she and Swamp Thing return from The Rot. Mercury didn't find Abby but she found traces of Djinn, just like Constantine. So now, after four long issues, Mercury is going to be a main character! My boner is celebrating.

The Review!
The majority of this story takes place with the main character tied to a chair in a dirty London kitchen. When the violent action does take place, it happens off-panel and in the dark. Sure, there's a scene or two where Swamp Thing battles some Rot Monsters but I think that was thrown in to compensate for the lack of action elsewhere. The thing is, Swamp Thing's bit was the worst part of the story. I wouldn't have minded if it was left out and replaced by a few more pages of Chas and Constantine discussing how dolphins are total bastards. I'm now a fan of Simon Oliver's writing. And I'm lucky enough that one of my favorite artists, Moritat, is providing the scenery. Four stars! Or whatever.

The Hellblazer #3

How did this cover make the cut? If I were editor, I would have scrapped it and just went with a blank red cover.

• For years now, journalists have heaped scorn on and rolled their eyes at Internet news bloggers. But have any of those journalists ever become the shadow puppet master of the future president of the United States controlling the appointment of key cabinet figures to tear down the whole entire system? I think not! Journalists, you owe bloggers an apology! They were apparently far more powerful than you ever considered! Oh, and probably far more vile and racist than you ever could have imagined. And now because you were afraid to look biased and too left-leaning (even though, no matter how much you tried to move right of center, you were criticized anyway!) while Internet news sites (both fake and super fake (and, of course, racist and misogynistic)) didn't mind destroying the right end of the spectrum to open up some new and fertile land even further right from the center than ever before, we have a large chunk of the voting populace too blinded by hate and propaganda to understand the stakes of what is happening.

• Here's an easy test to find out if you understand propaganda: if you think scientists are biased and lean too far to the left and have some sort of pernicious agenda, you might be a redneck. Dammit. I fucked that up and stole garbage material at the same time! I meant to say you're being swindled by textbook propaganda. I know, I know! If you're one of them, you've just rolled your eyes and scoffed and maybe snorted a french fry out of your nose while thinking, "You've fallen for propaganda!" That's why propaganda is so insidious! Because one side sees reality for what it is and the other side confidently thinks they see reality for what it is but are just pigs at the trough soon headed for slaughter. There's a saying the conspiracy nutters rely on: Follow the money. No scientist is getting rich by trying to explain the reality of the world through science and the government isn't getting rich off of creating regulations. But the people who deny climate change? They do so because regulations limiting pollution cost them money. Regulations limiting the accumulation of resources cost them money. Regulations protecting people from corporations razing the land limit profits.

• One of the bits of propaganda used to get people rabidly against the idea of climate change is that it will somehow affect their lives drastically. But the changes being made will affect the average person as much as the estate tax affects them. Meaning it won't affect them at all. You might be encouraged to recycle or compost but that's just because it's as easy to do those things as throw shit in the trash. And guess what? You really don't have to do it, if you're that maddened by the entire prospect. Just like you'll almost certainly never have enough money to be affected by the estate tax when you die, you will also never generate enough pollution in your individual life that the government is going to regulate how you live it. Government regulations to limit pollution are there not because they're growing too powerful and uppity and doing whatever they want. They're there because without them, corporations would simply flip the bird at every citizen in this country, trading safety and health for higher profits.

• Yes, yes. I know. I'm the pig at the trough, yada blah blah yada. Keep oinking and clutching your guns, you geniuses. Enjoy four years of gloating that your horse won while your horse pads its wallet while Wyrmtongue whispers in its ear.

• Oh, I mention guns only because that issue is like abortion. If you're against abortion, it's the only issue you vote on. And if you think your guns are in danger, it's the only political issue you really care about. Basically, you vote for anything anti-government because you believe the government is going to kick in your door at any moment to take your guns, after which they can stick you in a FEMA death camp where they'll hold lotteries to kill as many people as possible for their population control agenda.

• If you're thinking, "I liked this blog better when it was about comic books," then you have another think coming. It's never been about comic books! Mostly it's been about me. But you can thank Donald Trump and the Electoral College and all of the people who, for whatever reason, heard Donald Trump speak time and time again and couldn't see he was a big dopey gasbag who is unfit for practically any professional position. I won't be shutting up about how terrible this whole situation is.

Oh look! Simon Oliver feels the same way I do! Except in British!

• Boris Johnson's Knob, the horse Chas put Constantine's money on, wins the race and makes Chas two hundred quid. I mean, the odds were 500 to 1 and he probably put more of Constantine's money on it than that but Constantine only offered to give Chas two hundred pounds for placing the bet. What a chump!

• When Constantine's story continues, he's falling into a seemingly infinite void talking about dolphins. My first reaction was, "Here we go again! Some writer wasn't sure how to start the story so they wedged in a little fifth grade report on something that has nothing to do with this comic book." But by the time John ends his thoughts on dolphins, I'm totally on his side and thinking, "Man! That was a cute take on dolphins! And thematic too! It was like a little chocolate mint short story to get me in the right frame of mind! Sort of like those little candy suppositories waiting on the pillow when you check into a hotel."

• The dolphin introduction is interesting in that, in most cases, an opening like this would simply annoy me and I'd be fuming while reading the rest of the book. "What a shit way to start!" I'd think as I continued to read Rob Liefeld's terrible comic book while also thinking, "I wish Rob were also drawing this terrible comic book because two terribles makes a fantastic time!" But because I enjoyed Constantine's take on dolphins, and I like how he tied it all in to his own reputation, I'm all wet and ready and eager to receive the rest of the story.

And then I orgasm too early because the dialogue following the dolphin shit is just as entertaining.

• Speaking of orgasming too early, I'm reminded of the Loudon Wainwright III song that goes, "You used to say I came too early but it was you who came too late." Such poetry!

• Meanwhile, Mercury and Swamp Thing head into The Rot to search for Abby Arcane. She was the Avatar of the Rot so she shouldn't be missing. But since her role in the Swamp Thing Mythos has always been of partner and lover, I imagine her disappearance is to set the New 52 record straight. This is Rebirth, after all! That means all of the things that had sort of been changed but not really as drastically as everybody proclaimed by the New 52 must be set back to rights. So Anton Arcane probably has something to do with this! He's more of the Avatar of the Rot sort of guy. I think he was in Hell but that's never stopped him before.

• From Map, Constantine learns that he's being chase by Djinns. Constantine doesn't believe in the Djinn but he figures something is after him, so he should probably listen. He discovers that they're actually after the Swamp Thing who he pawned off on Mercury. So now Constantine is going to have to track them down in The Rot.

• In The Rot, Mercury discovers a wormhole and heads through it alone. Swamp Thing must wait for her return in The Rot which probably means he'll be attacked and nearly killed! But Constantine will save him next issue and they'll go on fabulous adventures together.

• But before John can get to Swamp Thing, he needs a ride. So he heads back to pick up Chas and his cab only to find Chas bound and gagged and surrounded by a bunch of bookie thugs. They'll probably get ripped apart by Djinn next issue!

The Review!
This book is written well, interesting, and lovely to look at. So it's surprising that this is the cover DC went with. This cover makes me think the story within is going to be a frightful mess about that time Constantine shit himself while exploring the haunted subway under Parliament. Instead, it's about genies and Constantine vomiting on himself while exploring the spooky underground. Totally different.

The Hellblazer #2

That motorcycle seat is so lucky.

The Commentary!
• Last issue, I was disappointed that Constantine was abandoning Mercury and Swamp Thing to find Abby on their own. But according to the cover and the picnic on the first few pages, I was mistaken! And I'm glad I was because Mercury is my new comic book crush! Some people might have begun reading this issue and thought to themselves, "Who is this adorable woman talking with Swamp Thing? Why am I so stupid and irrelevant that I can't remember her name? And why didn't Simon Oliver mention her name?! Why didn't he Lobdell this issue and begin it, 'My name is Mercury. I was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon'?" But I remember the names of all of the women Moritat draws who I inevitably get a crush on. Like Tallulah Black! And...well, I think so far it's only been Tallulah and Mercury.

• Swamp Thing is giving Mercury some insight into Constantine's character. She believes he's a "total wanker" who only cares about himself. She's mostly not wrong! Swamp Thing points out that if he really only cared about himself, he'd hide away from the real world and toss it all in the bin. But he doesn't! He keeps himself present in the real world! He saves it daily although he often sends children's souls to hell while doing it. That might be where he gets the reputation for only caring about his own ass. Most people would be all, "I would totally throw my life away to save just one child because children are precious creatures and our future and I care about our future and blah blah self-aggrandizing lies blah blah blah!" But they're idiots because they're not looking at the long game. If a train was bearing down on a child and you could save the child but you would die, it's actually a mistake to save the child. Because how many people is a stupid child going to save? Like, probably zero! But you have the ability to save children all over the place! So by keeping yourself alive, you could probably save a couple more children later in the week without throwing your life away. See? Saving the child was a dumb choice!

• Meanwhile, Chas is politely kicking Constantine out of his house so that his wife will come back.

Boris Johnson was the mayor of London until he panicked over the Brexit vote and buggered out. He's basically the Donald Trump of England, judging by his awful hair. I know the mayor of London but I couldn't tell you the current mayor of Portland, Oregon! I stopped paying attention after my step-uncle, Sam Adams, left office. You might have seen Sam in Portlandia as the mayor's assistant.

• Knob is a British slang term for penis. You know, just in case you're an American and you're not into knowing all of the slang for dicks.

• I watch a lot of British panel shows on YouTube. Currently I'm enjoying the newest seasons of Would I Lie To You? and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. I've also been watching Dara O'Briain's Go-8-Bit when I can find an episode not taken down for copyright infringement. And I'm eagerly awaiting the new season of QI!

• Constantine probably has no intention of making Chas's life easier so Chas's best hope is that John gets caught back up in the Swamp Thing road trip to The Rot story. Which, according to the title and the cover, is going to happen!

• So far there's been no mention of those angels who didn't prevent World War I! Maybe that'll take place after the advertisement.

• Chas drives Constantine around London in his black cab. I wonder if Chas not only has The Knowledge but also The Occult as well? That's probably what cab drivers call knowing all of the spooky paranormal haunted routes in London and how to traverse them without getting possessed or encased in hellfire.

• It's nice to have a British writer on Hellblazer again. Constantine just isn't Constantine without a proper British voice coming out of his mouth. Hell, it's just nice to have him back in London!

I know soccer...excuse me, football has become a lot bigger in the States over the last half decade or so but I just can't see an American writer coming up with Constantine comparing his face-off against a demon to a football match. I mean, they might! But I doubt they would have worded it like this with the whole "taken it to penalties" bit. Which reminds me! I haven't watched the latest Rob Beckett YouTube video where he plays FIFA against his friends. I can't wait until he plays Alex Brooker.

• It wasn't until I scanned it that I noticed one of Invader's Space Invader tiles behind Constantine.

• Constantine decides to meet with some of the occult power players to make sure he didn't ruffle any feathers with nearly sending everybody in London to hell. Doesn't seem anybody is too bothered with his gamble. Although he sort of pisses of Marid, the angel who wants to destroy mankind, when Constantine refuses to meet with him. Clarice Sackville is an old power player (but she doesn't look old!) who is giving Marid advice on how to deal with Constantine. I guess Marid realizes to destroy mankind, he's going to have to get past John first.

• Marid's plan also involves the Swamp Thing. So I guess that's part of how all of these stories are going to intertwine.

• Clarice gives John a secret warning that some bad shit is going down and he heads off to do some detectivanting. But he's followed by some spooky cherubs trying to look like grown ups in suits instead of floating babies in diapers. To give them the slip, he heads into the subway tunnels to look for Map. He winds up falling down a dark pit and into next issue.

• When is Mercury going to be a main character in this thing?!

The Ranking!
+2! I know he never said "cunt" but this feels more like Constantine than even the last series felt like Constantine. It just keeps getting more and more Hellblazery.

The Hellblazer #1

This is the look John gives you right before you wind up in Hell.

The Commentary!
I was going to say this is John's look right before he sucks your dick but I think I've used up my quota on using dick sucking to replace sincere thoughts and feelings. Now in my forties, it seems to be my go-to move. Back when I was a teenager, everything I wrote was filled with my over-dramatization of my feelings of unrequited love. In my twenties, my writing was full of philosophical quandaries about my direction in life. In my thirties, I began to fill my writing with a lot more whimsy and began sculpting the pretentious bullshit so that it could fit within the confines of the story or essay. And in my forties, it's all just pretty much about dick sucking. I can't wait to see what I'm writing about in my fifties! I hope it doesn't get me arrested.

This issue begins with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Some guy named Marid tries to stop the assassination but he's stopped by some other guy. Hopefully this Simon Oliver hasn't decided to steal my detectivanting idea! That's where a few upper class British men and women form a club where they gallivant around the world doing detective work. My idea was that it would become all the rage in Edwardian times and the young people who did it would be so careless and narcissistic that they would cause more trouble than good. And eventually their idle shenanigans would start a world war. Just like these miscreants in the opening to this comic book! I hope they aren't Detectivanters! I'll sue Simon Oliver for sure!

But before the reader is allowed to know any more about this great big mystery, the narrative turns back to the present where Swamp Thing is calling on John Constantine for a favor. How hard could a favor for Swamp Thing be? Water? Sunlight? Mineral supplements? Easy peasy!

John decides to talk directly to the reader to tell the story about how he came to owe Swamp Thing a favor. Twenty-two year old me is all, "Shit! Cool! So postmodern!" Forty year old me is all, "Suck a dick."

That's every time in your life if you give it about five years!

Being that the person you are in the present no longer truly resembles the person you were five to eight years ago, it really changes the perspective on going to prison for life. Eventually, you hardly recognize the version of you that committed the crime and yet you still must pay for that person's acts. A lot of people are unsympathetic to this because they have some weird belief that people don't change at all. I believe that there's an aspect of our personality that we really can't change. My first grade report card reads like a person describing who I essentially still am today. But I've also done really stupid shit when I was younger and, looking back, I can't even understand who that person was that would choose to do those things. In a real way, it's not me. It was a person who became me but it's not the me I am today. It's possible only flawed people can understand this. It's generally the people who claim they've never done anything horrible in their life who cannot forgive those who have. I'm not saying we should do away with life sentences! I mean, we should probably do away with life sentences for quite a few crimes, probably! No, what I'm saying is that I, at least, feel terrible when I see somebody who is being incarcerated for life at a young age knowing they'll never be free again. It's a strange idea that one mistake can ruin the life of the future you who will no longer resemble the person who committed the crime. Maybe we need a justice system where the victim or victim's families are in control of the sentence. Not that they get to set it! But maybe they alone can one day forgive the crime and end the sentence. Or is there just no place for redemption and forgiveness in the American justice system?

Judging by the way people on Twitter want to fucking destroy everybody who says anything they think is beyond the pale, I'd say there probably isn't.

John's story begins with Swamp Thing asking John for a favor. So John must mess up pretty royally for this to wind up a story in which John owes Swamp Thing a favor!

Oh wait. It's just that Swamp Thing did his part of the favor exchange first. He kept Wonder Woman and Shazam at bay while Constantine nearly damned everybody in London. Now it's John's turn to pay up. Swamp Thing wants Constantine to help him find Abby because she's disappeared from The Rot. I'm not sure Swamp Thing should be looking for Abby if she's missing. She's probably missing for romantic reasons and he's just going to wind up walking into a room in hell to find Abby sucking demon dick.

Constantine decides to recruit Mercury into the search because of her psychic abilities. Plus she was introduced in Rebirth and she can't just be forgotten already. She needs to have a big role in this comic book. Bigger than Chas's even, I hope, because she's cute in that way Moritat makes the women he draws cute. They're like little fuckable cartoons. I mean, they're drawn with great personalities and tons of agency!

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care if Mercury has any agency! As long as she looks cute and acts adorable, I'm pretty happy with her characterization.

"Abby who?!"

I fucking love that look John gives the reader in the above scan. Maybe I don't mind that John interacts with the reader. He's kind of the Ferris Bueller of the DC Universe.

Mercury agrees to help Swamp Thing but sends Constantine away. That's too bad! At this point, I'm more invested in the Swamp Thing story than whatever situation Constantine is going to get into involving the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand!

Constantine goes off to pout because Mercury is more interested in a plant than his cock. Not that she'd be interested in his cock anyway because he's so old. Unless, of course, she has Daddy Issues! Hell, maybe John is her daddy! She'll fuck him for sure if that's the case.

The issue ends with the two guys who didn't stop the Great War when they had a chance. The good one who didn't stop the events that led to millions of deaths over the next century is killed by the bad one who wanted to prevent those deaths. I mean, I guess the bad one used to be the good one. Or maybe I'm using the wrong adjectives. The good one was actually the selfish one who didn't want their presence to be discovered by "the creator" which is what would have happened had they stopped the assassination. The bad one was actually the one trying to help the humans even if it risked revealing himself to "the creator". So apparently they're angels on the run. That's totally what I figured they were. Masonic angels from outer space disguised as reptilian creatures from another dimension. Totally nailed it. So anyway, the bad one who was once good has decided that it's time to completely interfere with the humans because they are ruining everything with their free will.

The Hellblazer Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
Let's try this again! Hellblazer was going along fine and dandy over in the Vertigo world when some asshole at DC Comics decided that Constantine needed to be actively engaged in their superhero universe. Most of the people enjoying Hellblazer at the time probably thought this was a really stupid idea. And I want to point out how it wasn't a really stupid idea so that I can make those snobby elitists look like royal assholes! But I'm one of them! It was a bad idea! You cannot have a John Constantine who isn't allowed to say "cunt"! It just doesn't work. DC finally realized that it doesn't work so they dumped the awful New 52 Constantine which basically consisted of John battling magic monsters and then casting a spell which will have real horrible consequences. It always worked to drive away the monster and Constantine and his mates never really had to deal with any consequences. I guess Constantine once had to make it so Zatanna never loved him while he still loved her but who the fuck cares about that?! You don't need magic to love somebody who doesn't give a shit about you!

In the re-revamped version of Constantine, DCYou's Constantine the Hellblazer, John was now allowed to swear as much as he wanted! But the letters in the swears were all replaced by pentagrams. The series was much better for it but not perfect because he still couldn't say ⍟⍟⍟⍟! DC Comics, unaware of the real problem haunting their inability to recreate the Constantine magic, killed Constantine the Hellblazer too. It was time for John Constantine to get a Rebirth! That's the comic book I'm going to read now! And I should already point out that it's not going to be very good because it's an American comic book that isn't rated for Mature Readers Only, so no way is John going to be able to say cunt. I might as well not even bother!

The issue begins with a little two page story about how John Constantine lost his home of London and was banished to New York City. It's the usual Constantine story. John pisses off a demon. Demon gets ready to make John pay. John says some things that makes the demon rethink who might be the most powerful person in the John/Demon relationship. John lights a cigarette. Demon lets John live. John adds another vastly powerful entity to his list of immortal enemies.

And maybe John said cunt? Does "lie like a cunt rug, mate" make sense?

But then Donald Trump began making a run for president and Constantine decided there were some battles he doesn't want to get caught up in, so he headed back home to London and his buddy Chas who apparently isn't dead. Whether or not he had died somewhere along the way, I have no idea anymore. And since this is a Rebirth, I don't have to know anyway! Free pass for everybody! Continuity police can reset their watches after their done sitting flummoxed in their La-Z-Boy recliners pouting and covered in nacho cheese sauce. There's not time for arguing how old Constantine might be or whether or not he's had sex with Swamp Thing! Because those things don't matter anymore! Well, I guess John's age might matter, eventually. As it is now, it doesn't matter if he lived through New York's Punk Scene or if he missed it because he was way too young. It doesn't matter if he's in love with Zatanna or if he's in love with that little blonde thing from Chelsea. Also, I might have made up the blonde thing. But that's my point! It doesn't matter!

This nameless lass is my favorite character in Rebirth so far. Maybe she'll become the new Anguished Fat Man! Vapid Stoner Girl!

Since this is Rebirth, Oliver is taking the readers on a quick synopsis of the things that now matter in Constantine's life. The most important one of those is that if John spends any appreciable time in London, his soul will leave his body due to the curse placed on him by the demon he humiliated. But Constantine has a plan to break that curse so that London can get back to being his Gotham. He never really was suited to be a New Yorker, no matter how many times the reader was told that he was on the cutting edge of the punk-magic scene and how many people he fucked in the bathrooms at CBGB.

Somebody should open a mediocre restaurant franchise and call it CBGBs. Maybe all of the boarded up TGIFridays can just rebrand without doing any renovations: CBGBurgers. That would be punk, right? Instead of a restaurant with sawdust on the floor, CBGBs can be a restaurant with sawdust falling from the ceiling! And exposed insulation on every wall! And raccoons living in the ceiling! That's punk, right?

Meanwhile a woman who lives in a hobbit hole and and raises goats is...well, sticking candles in her vagina? I'm not too clear on that. All I know is that there's suddenly another female character drawn by Moritat that I'm probably going to develop a huge crush on, candles or no candles.

I know I was making jokes about the quality of a Constantine comic book relying on whether or not he can say the word "cunt" but I didn't realize you could get away with having Constantine say "circle jerk".

I don't know how you hold a circle jerk together with old chewing gum but I'm going to find out by introducing chewing gum at my next circle jerk.

I have never believed in magic until I heard Alan Moore talk about the existence of magic. And then, through the magic of Alan Moore's words, he cast a spell on me so that I suddenly believed in magic. It was really easy to do too! He just told me to look at the definition of a magic spell and I was, "Oh yeah! Spells are cast with words and they change reality. That's just fucking words! That's making a speech! That's putting together an advertising campaign! That's convincing half of the American population that the world is burning around them and the only way to make it better is to vote in politicians who only have their own selfish interests at heart and don't give a shit about anybody else! Donald Trump is a demon summoned by the incessant rhetoric chanted by multiple Republican talking heads over the course of the last twenty years. That is real life magic and we're all going to be ass-raped by the vile and disgusting incubus the Republicans have summoned into being!"

Constantine's plan to escape the demon's curse is to transfer the curse from himself to every other resident of London. It's not that he doesn't care about the other people in London (he may or may not!), it's just that he definitely cares about himself. So even if his plan to overload the demon's realm with eight million souls all gathered at once doesn't get the demon to stop the curse, at least Constantine will still be alive!

Oliver makes sure to throw in a couple of pages of some Justice Leaguers discussing how something horrible has happened in London and it's probably Constantine's fault and that maybe they should kick his teeth down his pint of Guinness. But Swamp Thing shows up to tell Wonder Woman and Shazam to maybe stand down on this one because even though everybody in London is about to die, Constantine probably has a handle on the situation. That's good enough for Wonder Woman! Especially since Swamp Thing will be to blame if everybody dies. If anybody says, "Wonder Woman! Why didn't you do anything?!" She can just say, "Swamp Thing told me not to! It's his fault!"

Constantine and the demon engage in one of those conversations that John always manages to get started which his opponents should really know by now not to be tricked into. The smart thing to do when you've got the upper hand over Constantine is to close your eyes, cover your ears, and scream "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" until Constantine is in hell. It's because Constantine knows that the real magic is in the words. The spells are just the special effects. That's why he's more con man than magician.

This time (as with loads of other times), Constantine's speechifying was just to buy time until the hobbit, Mercury, arrived to save the day.

Not only can she swear in pentagrams, she's also psychic! So she gets the demon's name for John so he can have some power over the bastard.

With the demon's name, Constantine ends the curse and Wonder Woman doesn't have to call a press conference to explain why she let everybody in London die.

The Review!
Since the comic book couldn't say it, I'll say it here: cunt! There, now it's a complete Hellblazer comic book. Oh, excuse me: The Hellblazer. How fucking stupid is that the?! I'm fucking choking on that piece of shit the! It doesn't have to be their, DC Comics! It's fucking stupid! As you might know, it's okay to have a new comic book with the same title as the old comic book, no matter how fucking confusing it is. You've done it countless times before! Just think how many Teen Titans #1 comic books are out there! Aside from the lack of cunts and the excess number of "the"s, this comic book was a pretty great start to a new John Constantine book. We got Chas and London and Constantine humiliating a demon and a woman who hates Constantine but is going to be forced to work with him so that he doesn't destroy the world trying to save himself. He eats some curry, he smokes a cigarette, he wears a trench coat, he has blonde hair. That's pretty much all I expect from a Hellblazer comic book! I wonder how many people are upset he didn't fuck a woman and a man in this issue and were all "How dare DC erase his bisexuality!" I suppose we all have different things about Constantine that we find are important to the character. Some people only give a shit about where he sticks his dick, and other people are into his mystical battles with the forces of hell and the trail of friends' corpses he leaves in his wake. If you're into the dick aspect, you might not like this issue because he doesn't outright state what he does with it. If you're into curries, you're going to fucking love this issue because Constantine fucking wrecks a vindaloo!

Harley Quinn #28

Even if Harley survives the explosion, she's probably going to lose her left leg.

The Review or Whatever
Somebody was trolling everybody concerned about Melania Trump's "ghost" writer for her speech at the RNC. They created a fake Twitter account for this "Meredith McIver" who probably exists but is really just a scapegoat for whoever actually wrote the speech plagiarizing Michelle Obama (whoever actually wrote it had to have been some joker sabotaging Trump. I picture the person just sitting back and smiling a goofy grin as Melania read Michelle Obama's words as a room full of Republicans applauded). This person was vehemently defending obviously photoshopped pictures of her with Trump and it was truly hilarious how people kept arguing with this "Meredith" about the reality of such obviously fake pictures. This person even had a poorly faked picture of Meredith standing outside 10 Downing Street with Piers Morgan.

The obviously Photoshopped image.

Seeing that this photo was such an obvious Photoshop of this person, I had to dig up the original. And I was so satisfied when I did!

I hate that, due to Photoshop and camera tricks and the influence of our lizard leaders, people think Piers Morgan has a human face.

Previously in this comic book, some editor was all, "Wouldn't Deadpool and Harley Quinn be perfect for each other?!" And another editor went, "Mmmphbmmphlemmph!" And the first editor went, "What was that?!" And the second editor took their tongue out of the first editor's ass and was all, "High-Lair-E-Us!" So after cleaning up the carpet, one of them called Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti's house to tell them the good news about their next story. Amanda answered the phone and was all, "Mmmphbmmphlemmph?"

That was a terrible joke that makes no sense! The reality is that the person getting their ass eaten out would answer the phone. Also, I'd rather imagine Amanda's ass being eaten out then Jimmy's. I think I went wrong on that count too.

Not surprisingly, this comic book begins with a "Holee Wordarolee" exclamation and then Harley making up a funny name for Red Tool. Up next, Harley makes an innuendo about her beaver and farts.

Whenever Harley says a Holee Somethingolee, I just lose my shit! I don't mean I laugh hysterically! I mean I tear my fucking house apart.

It must be such a sweet job to get the Harley gig at DC Comics. You can put in minimal effort writing scripts because you know you've got a loyal fan base who will buy plenty of copies. As long as the script offers plenty of fan service with semi-nude shots of Harley and a heaping holee helping of near sexual encounters wit Poison Ivy, nobody is going to complain that the jokes are tired and the passion missing.

Semi-nude shot? Check!

The issue finishes up with another semi-nude shot while Deadpool gives a five page book report on Harley Quinn's history and her motivations. You know, to prove to the readers that Amanda and Jimmy know the character super well! It's a bit obnoxious for the writer to just lay out their take on the character but at least it's a better summary of Harley than Sean Ryan's take in Suicide Squad #22.

Black Canary #10

Is this the cover of Black Canary's new album, Zombie Batgirl?

The Review!
I'm not forgetting that you owe me four pages of Black Canary comic book, DC Comics! Until then, I refuse to give a proper review of this comic book which is aimed at the type of people who describe every musical act with a hodgepodge of terms to make themselves seem more knowledgeable about music. "Tattered Cumrags is like a synth 80s basement pseudo-rockabilly post-prepunk skat (that's a type of ska scat, of course!) garage funk-jazz combo death-ballad deal with the most authentic stage act I've ever been seen enjoying. You should read my review on my music blog!" In much the way that I like this new hip style of comic book in the pages of Batgirl, I can't stand it in the pages of Black Canary. I might still roll my eyes whenever Batgirl's creative team tries to make the comic book like a video game or shows her shopping at artsy toy stores full of anime and record albums, or expresses how social contact through technology is literally the most important thing to young people, or overuses the word literally, but I still enjoy the characters and the stories. Or should I say "story" since every story has been somebody trying to steal Batgirl's mind or identity. But when this comic book does any of those things, I just can't stop making jerking off motions with both hands and maybe even one of my feet. This comic is like a man who cultivates a beard and uses oils on it and feels proud of it when all he's really done is not fucking shave. I resent young people with beards. It makes my appearance seem calculated and pretentious when it's really just that I can't fucking be bothered with staying kempt anymore.

Okay, fine. My facial hair is on point. Or are we still saying on fleek? Okay fine. I've never said that in my life. I'm sorry I even brought it up.

The Commentary
This issue begins with Babs and Grumps checking out Black Canary videos on whatever the DC You calls YouTube which I would never acknowledge even if I could remember what they call it. So right from the start, I'm making jerking off motions all over the place. Although in the video, Black Canary's boobs are fleeking the fuck out, so I'm enjoying that much, at least. Plus the comic begins to read like a Batgirl book anyway so maybe I'm coming around on this Black Canary thing. As long as she stays away from the music scene, I might be able to enjoy reading this comic book (even though it still owes me four pages).

I can't even imagine how that mistake in the last panel comes about. At first glance, it seems obvious that the word balloons are on the wrong characters. But why would Moritat have drawn Grump Canary so happy and Barbara looking so pissed? Except wait! The one in the back actually is Grump Canary! You can tell by her lack of lips and her cuffed trousers. But then why is she suddenly wearing Barbara's shirt and sporting Babs's hair color? It's not like Moritat was using an inker who might have fucked it up and sketched in some changes. Can the colorist make changes like that? Is this Lee's fault completely?! Not to mention the editors who let this panel through!

Oh wait! I found Grump Canary's lips!

How did she do that? Was she just sucking them in the entire time?!

Just when I thought I was going to enjoy this Batgirlized version of Black Canary, the duo go to stop some guy named Mad Wax who is robbing a record store. OH MY GOD THIS COMIC IS SO COOL IT TAKES PLACE IN A RECORD STORE FUCK ME ARGLE BARGLE!

Mad Wax recognizes Grump Canary as D.D. and flips the fuck out because it allows him to use words like "amazing" and "E.P." I hate him. I especially hate Mad Wax because how does he afford henchmen when he's merely stealing records? It would probably be more profitable if he worked alone and instead of stealing records, he just used his encyclopedic knowledge of them to find rare tracks being sold in record stores that don't know any better and then selling them online for a huge profit. I guess that wouldn't be cool enough. Who would take his weekend DJing gig seriously if he was just a record buyer and not a Gotham super-villain!

Grump Canary is in town to do some research with Batgirl's help. It's all in the name of figuring out what happened to Dinah's mom and why Dinah's aunt is now the leader of a Ninja Death Cult and how Vixen might be tied into it all as well. And then Moritat's six pages of art end and I lose about 30% of my interest in reading the comic book. No offense to Sandy but I fucking love Moritat's art.

The rest of the story is a fight between Grump Canary and an electric ninja looking to learn the Five Heavens Palm technique created by Dinah's mom. But Dinah doesn't know it so the electric ninja kills herself for nothing. Afterward, Dinah discovers her band is in Berlin and playing in a club that's owned by some guy who is tied into the mystery of Dinah's mom's death. So it's back to Germany next month!

Black Canary #9

What the fuck is that chain attached to?

Rating: I have a complex relationship with this comic book (if you define "complex" as "simple and petty" (which I totally do)). It's currently 32 of 51 and I'm dropping it two ranks to 34 of 51 because several issues ago, DC published it with only sixteen pages of content. Unless I feel like giving it the benefit of the doubt for the two pages that were just that Burnside Fanzine! But I don't! So DC still owes me for four pages of comic book! Until they make good on the debt, I have no other option than to lower the ranking of this comic book month after month. Even if I love Moritat's artwork!

• Black Canary took a weird time travel turn an issue or two ago. And then it did some thing where Dinah was now battling her aunt or something in Germany. It's hard to remember because I haven't been keeping adequate notes on the comic books I've been reading lately. Which is why I need these bullet points! Because I'm fucking old and can't remember anything, okay?! Plus I don't have the fanatical need to know everything about every character that I enjoy reading about. Not that Black Canary fits into that category. I mean, I do know an awful lot about Sailor Moon and Vampire Tig and Maps Mizoguchi. Not in a fan way! In a desperately weird way that I'm going to pretend isn't sexual at all.

• The artist forgot to draw the microphone.

• The previous picture looks like something an adult would be overly proud of having colored.

• After that first page, the comic begins "two hours earlier." Why? Why not just skip that page with Black Canary's face that says nothing and means nothing and simply begin the comic book at the "two hours earlier" part but say "Now"? This is the kind of shit that somebody should be giving TED Talks on! Stop fucking wasting the first few pages of a comic book by having some kind of exciting bullshit splash page that's just going to be repeated later when the story finally gets around to that part of itself. Black Canary has wasted more pages than any comic book DC has released in The New 52.

• The last bullet point reminded me that this comic book still owes me four pages. I forgot I'm giving it negative rankings until I either get a refund on the comic book that was short four pages or DC adds four more pages to one of these comic books.

• I should also mention that this comic book has fallen behind schedule. It's so unprofessional!

• This issue is a flashback story because the creative team must want to watch the world burn. Get your act together and make a deadline, assholes! Now I have to read some other creative team's take on Black Canary in their early days (which was about three weeks ago, I think?)! At least Moritat is the artist. I love Moritat.

Oh, I'm so fucking impressed! You know all the words to four fucking songs! Wow! Impressive!

• Sometimes I get really snotty with fictional characters.

• Why would the guest writer of Black Canary mock the kinds of fans who probably love the comic book Black Canary? That seems counterproductive! Like pissing in the wind! I mean an upwind wind. Pissing in a downwind wind is all kinds of cool.

• Pissing in the wind isn't actually a good example of something that is counterproductive. That's just an example of my bad writing skills.

• Black Canary is playing a teenaged girl's birthday party because they're really popular but not so popular as to be uncool and mainstream but just popular enough to have rabid fans and also not so popular that they can't pass up a birthday gig.

• Tobias Whale shows up because he's creepily attending teenaged girls' birthday parties. So Black Canary tries to kick him in his fat face. I approve.

• He literally has a fat face so fuck you if you're insulted by that, you fat facers.

• I just reread that last bullet point and I think I hurt my own feelings.

• Black Canary finds out that little Julia is Carmine Falcone's granddaughter. I was wondering why Algebra Madden had an "F" on her belt buckle! I thought it stood for "Fuck me in my fat face."

• Her face isn't literally fat so that was probably uncalled for. It's a little bit chubby because that's Moritat's style. But it makes her fat face so much more fuckable.

• "Fucking faces" sounds like just about the sexiest thing in the whole world. After carrot cake.

• Other creepy male adult motherfuckers who go to teenaged girls' birthday parties? Professor Pyg. Hugo Strange. Black Mask. Me.

• This is an appropriate reaction to somebody trying to chat you up.

• To be fair, the guy in the above caption is probably a criminal and a murderer. To be a different kind of fair, my caption for the above photo doesn't have to be read sarcastically. I bet some people totally didn't even read it that way the first time!

• Black Canary discovers that a bunch of assassins were hired to kill the teenaged girl at her own birthday party. That's the second worst thing to happen to a teenaged girl's birthday party! The worst is when her parents insist on chaperoning!

• Black Canary sticks around to stop all of the hitmen while she sings and dances.

• See! See! I knew the artist forgot the microphone!

• One of the hitmen is the boy Julia the teenaged girl has a crush on. When Dinah kicks his ass, Julia decides she hates Black Canary. That's fine! Black Canary is totally an old person's band anyway. Life is so over at 26.

• Black Canary doesn't get paid and she accepts that bullshit because she's tired of kicking people in the face, I guess.

• This story is called "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want". That sentence doesn't describe quite how sour the look on my face is having to type it.

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1

I hope this is more "time spent in motels" than "time spent on the road," if you get my horny meaning!

Amanda and Jimmy pump out so many of these Harley Quinn specials that I usually just treat them as a nice break from writing anything coherent. Shut up! I heard you scoffing your nerdy scoff and snidely saying, "As if anything you write is coherent!", followed by an ebullient snort of laughter!

I don't even know what words are anymore.

See, the thing it starts and then some stuff but then well here and what.

So the lollipop was all and the skirt hitched and the toes and calves were hey.

So then the plot and it's Tony and the sausage dog is back too. A road trip is planned just like the cover says! Oh, hey. I'm getting my words back! Whew. That was close.

Butts butt butt butt butts.

So Poison and Batman but then phone cats and brbble drzzl.

Flaked. Meaty Bits. Saucesations. Tasty Treasures. Rise and Shine. Savory Shreds.

Soon in Los Angeles more low cuts and high hems and towels and underpants.

Typing words here.

Mobile home or whatnot.

spork


guttural noise

Bikininininanas. Hallucinations. Oral sex.

spurt. nap.

What? Hunh? What's going on? Mmm, boobies.

Beaver jokes! The end!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1 Rating: I haven't scanned this much cheesecake since Superboy #3!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3

Looks like another episode of "This comic book is all about fucking but it's teen rated so we can make a shitload of money which means we had to leave the actual fucking out of it. Sorry!"

Harley Quinn removed the finger (or two?) a woman most commonly puts inside of her pee hole for pleasure and spoke into the ship's microphone which was super close to her mouth and reminded the reader that sometimes women put penises in their mouths. She sexily began to talk like Captain Kirk in those scenes where he would tell the viewers everything they needed to know before watching the rest of the show which would be about the officers risking their life by exploring a strange and dangerous planet when they should probably stay aboard the ship while only lower ranked crew members beamed down to the planet. That Enterprise ship was poorly managed!

"Starbanger twenty-three point five seven point more numbers: today we approach a planet that looks like a butthole. We plan on going in fast so that the Puritrons won't know what hit them. We are on a mission to rescue Sexman the Horny which will probably end in tons of finger tonguing and groin scuffling. We should probably only wear underwear on the mission even though this is just a word story and not a visual story and the horny people reading it will just have to imagine how just a tiny bit of my areola shows over my lacy bra (which is probably see through as well so you can see everything but seeing the bit that is uncovered is a super turn on still so we'll leave it like that). And they'll just have to imagine how my thong underwear was put on backwards because I was in such a hurry this morning so the thin part is hardly covering any of my lady parts at all! And my lady parts are all quivery and excited because I'm going to get to meet, and probably have marital infidelities with, Sexman the Horny!"

"What are you doing?" asked Power Girl as she slowly pulled on her crotchless granny panties. One of her massive boobs had fallen out of the hole in her outfit because that hole was an extremely bad idea with boobs that big. Her Kryptonian nipple was about seven inches long and totally weird but in a way that made people in the movie theater after this story has been adapted into a film scream, "I've got a very erect thingy now!"

Harley Quinn scoffed at Power Girl not sitting on her face. That scene would just have to wait for later unless that's not a sex move and just an accident that sometimes happens to two women who love each other very much or just met even. "I am smarter than you!" The words squelched out of Harley's perfect mouth and penetrated both of Power Girl's ears. Power Girl let out a sigh or a moan and Kryptonian love goop dripped out of the crotchless part of her underwear. "I love it when you talk to me!"

Groovicus Mellow and his probably Massive Space Dong (because he was an African American Spaceman and everybody knows how much they love to bring their pet Space Dongs with them) said, "Ladies! We have arrived at the city which looks like dozens of penises thrusting their engorged veinyness straight into space!"

We all do, Harley. All the time.

"Why are all of those buildings so erect?" Harley queried her lady parts which were smashed up against the window in a very flattering way. "I wish I had brought my beaver into space with me so I could make some very direct and unsubtle jokes about touching it!" Power Girl rolled her eyes and shoved her boobs back into her suit and waved her hands in the air and said, "I'm totally not into sex at all and this story is not making me feel sexy!" Groovicus Mellow winked at his Space Dong which drooled a little bit.

"Sexman the Horny once had to go fifty years without ever having sex," proclaimed Groovicus Mellow which made everybody smirk and titter because we all know how ridiculous it would be for somebody to have to go without sex for fifty years, right?! So crazy! I mean, we get that sometimes people go without sex for say...forty-three years, maybe. But fifty?! That's beyond comprehension! I hope!

Harley Quinn lifted her stinky finger into the air and said, "One time in high school when I was super horny but not allowed to act on it because the society I'm from frowns on women enjoying sex and also thinks that young women should deprive themselves of the pleasure of sex because they have these laws where young women can't have sex with guys if they're too old which means they have to have sex with guys their own age who don't know how to give good sex yet and are always disappointing in the sack for the ten seconds of wasted time you spend in the sack with them, I drew lots of erect thingies on my Pee-Chee folder during Algebra. Now whenever I think of the Quadratic Equation, my panties fill up with love minestrone." If a sexier soup is invented by the time this story becomes a movie, it should replace "minestrone" in the script. Also in the Indian translation of this story, that should probably read "my panties fill up with love vindaloo."

Harley's speech was interrupted by a fleet of fighters attacking their ship and the way too accurate uncircumcised penis shaped ship of the Extreme Girlfriends Fighting and "The Other F-Word" Force. The battle would surely be super exciting but in a different way from the kind of exciting this story is supposed to incite, so it should be over quickly. Boners mixed with aggression should probably be limited to just fifteen or twenty pages.

Harley Quinn abandoned the ship because she's practically a Green Lantern now that she found some Hard Light Gloves in a previous episode. "I want to have all the sex but I can't so I will destroy things," she screamed as she flew spread-eagled into battle. "I hope nobody gets a peak at my undercarriage as I fly about murdering Puritrons! And I probably should have put my underwear on correctly because it is really uncomfortable probably because it's smooshing my lady thing or riding up it or getting tangled up in it or something. It would be easier to describe if I knew what one looked like! I mean a thong and not a lady's thingy, of course, since I am a lady and I look at my thingy nearly every day," explained Harley in a way that made the readers nod appropriately and maybe put a hand down their pants.

Power Girl followed Harley Quinn into the battle because Power Girl knew she could enjoy beating people up and forget about all the fun, bawdy sex stuff that is subtly happening in the background which I'm mentioning just in case you didn't notice any of it. Go back and reread it with that in mind and you'll see how I've been inserting lots of sexy parts into the story! The battle was also joined by Cherub, Sexman the Horny's fling from college. Cherub is a male which shows just how much Sexman the Horny is into sex that he'll sex up men and women. He probably even sexily stroked Groovicus Mellow's Massive Dong once!

Is the portal line a sex joke or just an observation? Is everything in this book a sex joke? Am I a sex joke?

Cherub set his ship to self-pleasure and ejaculated out of it and into Power Girl's arms. His ship entered the massive portal and exploded. With the violent part of the story over, Harley Quinn and Power Girl and Cherub returned to their ship to shower together for five or six descriptive pages. But they're distracted by Groovicus Mellow who is partaking in a drug party with drugs so I won't have to do any research on the female anatomy for the shower scene. I'm not even sure how to write an all-female shower sex scene! Can I use words like throbbing and boner and penetration? Or do I have to stick to words like sensuous and open mouthed kissing and erotic friend touching? How do two women have sex with each other? Do they eat salad and talk about boys until they're tuckered out?

Mellow's drugs perforated the entire space ship so everybody got super high and turned into Moritat drawings which meant they were suddenly super cute and reminded me how much I miss Tallulah Black. Power Girl's hand turned into a zebra and said, "I am not Power Girl's hand anymore! I am Marty and I want to tell you where Power Girl has been putting me!" But then Power Girl strangled Marty into speechlessness because she's supposed to be grossed out by sex stuff and she didn't want her zebra telling Harley Quinn how much she actually enjoys finger tooting and shower nozzling. Harley Quinn was all, "Time to write a Hunter S. Thompson story!" And Power Girl sighed and said, "Ugh. I hope you actually know Hunter S. Thompson's voice and how to imitate it when you do the story and you're not just one of those people who once saw Fear and Loathing in New Mexico and decided you were a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan because he did drugs and stuff!" And Harley Quinn put a Quaalude in her butthole and said, "Relax, mon ameeba! I gat dis voice downed pat, true 'nuff!"

So this is where a scene happens that makes the audience go, "Oh yeah! That's totally Hunter S. Thompson but mixed with comic book references and I totally get it all because I'm super up on all that jazz!" Plus Spider Jerusalem makes an appearance but he's missing the tattoo of the spider on his head for some incomprehensible reason that is totally incomprehensible no matter how many people message me saying it isn't and explaining it to me.

Why did all of the drug stuff take precedence over Mr. Mxyzptlk oral sexing Harley?

The drug party eventually ended without anybody's nether regions having a fun time (except maybe Harley's which may or may not have orgasmed in the fifth dimension. I bet during oral sex Mr. Mxyzptlk would accidentally say Kltpzyxm! How come Superman never tricked him that way?) and the hog-loving heroes went back on the case which was a rescue mission, remember? They were trying to save Sexman the Horny so he could teach them all the proper way to scream, "HOLY CRAP I'M ENGAGING IN THE BEST SEX EVER AND PROBABLY ORGASMING ACROSS SEVERAL DIMENSIONS!" I'm going to scream that when I have sex. You know, the next time I have sex which will be really soon and, anyway, it wasn't that long ago when I last had sex either.

Groovicus Mellow was so high on the drugs that he wasn't able to react quickly enough to dodge an evil blast from the now evil Sexman the Horny! "Gasp!" says the audience as they realize Sexman the Horny has been turned to the dark side by Oreo the Deliciously Evil! "Now we must fight the person we came to save," screamed Power Girl! "Or we can just have sex with him because he's a bad guy now and bad guys totally know how to sex better than good guys. Let's not waste this opportunity! Right, my lady parts?"

"Goosh!" replied Harley Quinn's lady parts.

First Blumpkin joke ever in a mainstream superhero title?

Harley Quinn's lady parts were soon crying down her legs at the sight of such a manly example of a manly man. But Power Girl was disgusted due to her Kryptonian upbringing which made her brain say the exact opposite of what her vagina was feeling. "He is gross!" screamed Kara as her Vagina said, "GARGLE OOZE GRUMPHLE SQUIRT!"

Sexman the Horny attacked the lusty women by shooting Semen Beams out of his eyes. The curvy heroes hopped out of the way because they weren't ready to take care of baby heroes any time soon. They also may have been doing less dodging and more trying to find a better vantage point to sneak an upskirt peek of Sexman the Horny's missing unmentionables.

Definitely testicles and space dong. And to think, Simon Bizley couldn't even get away with sneaking a penis onto Lobo's arm!

"Please save my friend and probably next lover," begged Groovicus Mellow to Power Girl who was apparently the greatest love of Sexman the Horny but in another universe and time that this Power Girl didn't remember.

"I will not save him because he will probably try to put his tongue into one of my orifices that I usually pretend don't exist," Power Girl lectured. "Grumble mutter hazzafraggin sazz," sputtered Power Girl's butthole.

"Your butthole makes a pretty fair argument," replied Harley sniffing long and deeply.

"Okay, fine! I will speak with him and turn him back into the good Sexman the Horny. Or at least the version of him that is not trying to kill us but trying to have sex with us instead. I do not know why we would want that version though," responded Power Girl heroically as she flew off to save the day like her cousin always does, quickly and nonsexually.

Power Girl flies off and punches Sexman the Horny in the face. But Sexman the Horny does not lose so easily! Instead he says things like, "Your outfit does my penis a service!" and "Your feminist funbags pose a mighty argument which logic cannot counter!" and "Sex is for bad people because I am currently the opposite of Sexman the Horny due to being controlled by that Oreo guy, remember?" Power Girl's brain sort of agrees with that last point but she punches from her vagina and it completely disagrees with Sexman the Horny's philosophy of denying penises and vaginas pleasure. Thus it is understandable when I end my story by using the word "thus" and pointing out how Vartox blasted Power Girl with his Semen Vision while she was distracted by his barely covered jiggly bits. To be continued!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book is a filthy bit of pornographic swill which will completely offend any sensible comic book fan. But since no sensible comic book fans read my blog, none of you have to worry about being offended by it. It's deliciously bawdy with occasional bits of overly bawdy and too many bits of not bawdy enough. Also, Moritat draws three fucking pages of the most adorable Harley Quinn and Power Girl this side of my wet dreams. This is the issue where the book really finds a comfortable stride. The jokes come together with the story and it just really works. My main complaint is that the rating on the cover wasn't XXX so I still haven't gotten twenty two pages of Power Girl sitting on Harley's face while Poison Ivy orally pleasures her best friend with maybe Batman pounding Ivy in the ass. And not Bruce Wayne Batman! I want Jim while inside the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!