Batman Eternal #36

You'll be shocked and utterly dismayed by what I conclude in my conclusion!

So many different plot threads have come loose from the Batman Eternal Christmas sweater that even the knitters probably don't know how many there are. Up until I opened Batman Eternal #36, I'd completely forgotten about what's-her-name and her stupid kid brother, what's-his-name. I'm glad I already typed that so that I can leave it even though I just remembered that her name is Harper and her brother's name is the gay kid in the coma full of nanobots. That's not what his convict dad put on the birth certificate but it's what all his friends call him when they're punching him in the face and taking his lunch money.

You'd be completely bewildered and annoyed by the sentence that I just deleted which you'll never get to read even if you click on the link I'm not providing!

Please. If you caught Red Robin coming out of the shower, Red Robin wanted to be caught coming out of the shower!

Harper concludes her shower story saying she "didn't see anything R-rated." Of course you didn't! Red Robin doesn't have boobies or vaginal pubic hair! Although, to be fair, movies and cable television have begun showing flaccid wieners like never before! I've seen Jason Segel's penis and Jason Mewes penis and Kevin McKidd's penis and probably some other penises that I don't remember who they belonged to. I imagine there are a lot more to be seen but since I haven't had cable television in over a decade and most cartoon or super hero movies don't show a guy's junk, I've probably missed a lot of onscreen ween.

Red Robin realizes Batman needs his help so he asks Harper to coordinate with the Batcave while he rushes out to save Batman's life. Although before he even leaves the Robin's Nest, the Batmobile is crashing out of the window of Wayne Tower, so it's more likely that Red Robin will be pulling Batman's corpse from the Batmobile. I guess this is the part where Harper and Penny-Two become Besties and decide to put on costumes and become full-fledged Batman sidekicks?

Penny-Two gives the "Blue Rose" code to the batcomputer which must mean Alfred is a huge fan of Fire Walk With Me. I don't know what the command does but hopefully it saved Batman's life somehow because seconds after Penny-Two says it, the Batmobile crashes into the streets of Gotham and explodes.

Meanwhile, Vicki Vale finishes up her story she's been investigating in Detroit.

That's not how you do journalism! You don't throw the truth away once you find it! You publish it, you dodo!

After Vicki hangs up, Batman punches Bard in the face just like Vicki Vale said he would. She's a good reporter! She might be better than Lois Lane! She just hasn't had all the same breaks. If only Vicki could work for a lush organization like The Daily Planet. Working in Metropolis? Where they have a superhero that likes to be reported on and will give interviews?! How can Vicki Vale compete when, even if you can pin him down and ask him a question, Batman just disappears when you glance down at your notepad?

When Jason Bard points a gun at The Batman and threatens to arrest him, everybody reading this comic book thinks, "What an ass!" Also, the Batkids drop by to make sure Bard gets the point that he might be Commissioner but he doesn't make the Batlaw in Gotham. Batlaw is the usual laws that exist but they don't have to be followed by members of the Batfamily. That's the main reason they wear masks. Not to protect loved ones but so nobody knows exactly who to serve the summons to when trying to sue their asses in civil courts.

Hush would probably like a grilled cheese. Tim and Jason don't want waffles.

Batman points out to his Kids that everything they've experienced so far must be connected. But he just can't figure out which one of his enemies can put together such a twisted, complex, scheme that has so many interlocking parts. Like a puzzle! I mean, who the fuck could be behind it all?! I tried guessing this before and could only come up with enemies like The Puzzler or the Brainteaser or the Gameplayer. It's just beyond me who it could be!

The Riddler? No, I don't buy it. His invitations would have had cute little question marks all over them.

Batman Eternal #36 Rating: No change. Okay, so it is true that the Riddler left a coded clue in which the codebreaker needed to use his name, Engyma, to crack the code. And then the code said that if you were smart enough to read the code, you would already know who is behind Gotham's problems. So that kind of points to The Riddler as the Mastermind, doesn't it? Plus it's the kind of crazy fucking Rube Goldbergesque plan The Riddler enjoys putting together. And I'd be satisfied with The Riddler since he's smart enough to put this shit together. I was really upset when it seemed Hush was behind it all! I doubt Hush would have spelled every word on the invitations correctly.

Oh wait! I think I promised something shocking in my conclusion. Um...kittens fart poison!

Batman Eternal #21

Why doesn't Bruce take issue with Alfred's use of guns?

The caption to the cover was a rhetorical question. Bruce wants Alfred to use guns so that Alfred takes the blame for killing any intruders. That means Bruce keeps his secret identity safe because he doesn't act like Batman and it also means Bruce isn't responsible for the bullet ridden dead person on the floor. It's a win/win/win/win/win situation! Those are rare situations, the five win situations. I don't know exactly what they all represent here and I'm not willing to make up the things they represent, so I probably shouldn't have even typed out five wins. Now I've exposed my laziness when it comes to writing! Maybe one of those wins should have been a lose.

This issue begins showing a side of Jason Bard that Batman suspected was there but he hadn't seen yet. You see enough squares in your day and you know when you're not dealing with a triangle. Or something. Also, Batman might just have tangled with Two-Face enough to know about this thing called an "ulterior motive." You should look it up. It's a fascinating read. Did you know that sometimes when people say they're doing something for a noble reason, they're actually doing it for selfish ones? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm still waiting to see the other side of Vicki Vale! Her underside! I was going to say her inside but that's fucking gross.

Commissioner Gordon has just been convicted of a whole bunch of counts of manslaughter because the jury just happened to consist of Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, Duela Dent, Pamela Isley, Tommy Elliot, Roman Sionis, Harleen Quinzel, Jervis Tetch, Basil Karlo, Arthur Brown, Victor Fries, and Harvey Dent. His only shot at not being convicted was a fifty percent chance at a hung jury. But Harvey's coin said guilty and so, Gordon has been sentence to life in Blackgate. And since Jason Bard and Vicki Vale already took care of interim commissioner, Commissioner Asshole, Bard has now been tapped for the commissioner's job himself. Vicki and Jason celebrate by rubbing their genitals together vigorously.

As Gordon heads back to prison for a nice long vacation, Carmine Falcone walks out. He's being extradited to Hong Kong and leaving this weekly grind. But first Batman wants to have a little chat with him.

Batman: "I am the World's Greatest Detective and I know that you are behind Gordon's frame up!"
Falcone: "Ha ha! You are not so good as you think you are, for I am not that person!"
Batman: "If you are not that person, then what person are you? You must tell me so I can have some clues!"
Falcone: "Here is a clue that I had the whole time! It is a poorly formatted invitation!"
Batman: "Yes, you are correct. It is indeed poorly formatted! Who is capable of such a thing?"
Falcone: "You find that out and you will find the person behind everything! But you should hurry because people think they like answers more than they like questions!"
Batman: "But they do not! They only think they do but when the questions begin getting answered, people realize the writers are much better at making up questions than they are at making up answers. That is a very astute observation, Falcone!"
Falcone: "Yes! I was a fan of Twin Peaks and The X-Files, so I know how it can be when the writers answering the questions are not as clever as the writers who asked them!"
Batman: "Well, it was nice interrogating you, Mister Falcone. I hope you have a nice time in Hong Kong. I must get back to solving my case now! Off to the printer!"
Falcone: "Good luck, Batman, my friend! I hope every step of your journey is as uneventful as the journey not taken! Is that a saying of my ancestors? I hope that it is because I needed to build some character! Maybe I should come up with a gimmick like The Penguin so that someday I might be in one of your movies."

Just wait until Batman finds out that Jason Bard got a poorly formatted invitation too!

Back at Wayne Manor, the alarms go off and the Batcomputer stops listening to Alfred unless he gives it the special Blue Rose override. What's the meaning of the Blue Rose? I can't tell you about that.

Alfred opens up the safe room with a secret button in Shakespeare's head because, well, you know. Then he knocks out his daughter, takes her gun, and locks her inside. Now it's time for Alfred Pennyworth to go all Die Hard on the invaders! I wonder if the invaders are the residents of Arkham since isn't one of the new comics coming out in October Arkham Manor? Anyway, Alfred heads off to find the intruder and finds him lickety split! Although he'd probably have liked to have gotten the jump on him.

Oh look! It's little Tommy Elliot straight from the court house where he and his other jurors just delivered the guilty verdict!

Alfred's daughter, Julia, finds her father flipping the fuck out on the floor of the grand foyer. He tries to tell her how to get down to the batcave by setting the clock to ten forty eight but he spells forty "fourty" so she doesn't understand, even though she's British and she's used to extraneous "u"s.

Meanwhile, Jason Bard heads to Blackgate to release The Architect so he can, I don't know, blow up some bridges or something? He calls Hush to let Hush know that The Architect is ready to go. He also calls Hush "Mother" for some kinky reason. Then he destroys the evidence that would have set Commissioner Gordon free. I knew that if comic book justice was anything like real life justice, that evidence wasn't going to do shit!

Apparently next issue, we get to find out who Gotham really belongs to! It better not be Tommy Elliot because we already saw him! Who is the only person capable of printing up poorly formatted invitations?!

Batman Eternal #21 Rating: No change. I hope all the Jason Bard fans aren't disappointed that he's a big jerko! That was a joke because I don't think there are actually any Jason Bard fans. Although there must be since he was a big enough name to have a half-page entry in DC's early 80s Who's Who! And what's going to happen to Alfred now that he's had Fear Toxin injected directly into his brain? Holy shit, he's in for a bummer of a bad trip. Now that Julia almost knows about Bruce Wayne's secret, I suppose she's going to become that extra sidekick that was seen in the Batman Eternal preview issue in Batman earlier in the year. For those of you that think this is any kind of review, I guess I should say, "I'm enjoying this series and I think you will too! If you like Batman and chaos, you should pick it up at your local library!"