Batwoman #34

Remember when this comic book was fascinating as opposed to merely passable?

Batwoman has been having vampire troubles in Gotham City. I suppose that's more interesting than slapstick problems, or flightless bird problems, or brain teaser problems, or undead zombie assassin monster problems. That last one sounds like it could be vampire problems but it's not. It was a problem that went on and on and on for like eight years until all that was left was a mute undead zombie assassin monster that nobody would bother to buy a pad and pencil for so she could communicate more effectively.

At the end of last issue, Batwoman had been confronted by Nocturna, Night-Thief, and Killshot. It was a panoply of horribly named villains! I think I'll name my eventual memoir, "A Panoply of Masturbation Anecdotes." That should get it to fly right off the shelves!

Right, Batwoman? It boggles the mind. Also, I'm ignoring the fact that your moniker is "Batwoman." On the plus side, Moritat! Although, really, what kind of name is that as well?

Luckily for Batwoman, nobody is interested in her. Unluckily for Batwoman, she keeps putting herself between Killshot and Night-Thief so that they're reminded she's also somebody they can punch. Or shoot. Or rip off her weave.

Maybe these two can go out for a stake dinner afterward! That's a vampire joke because the best stakes have lots of garlic on them and vampires hate garlic! Oh! Also I spelled stake wrong! I meant steak.

Night-Thief gets shot a few times in the chest by Killshot and tumbles off of the building and into the bay, dragging Nocturna with him. Killshot somehow thinks he's going to receive a check for the assassination of Nocturna without any proof her demise, so he's even dumber than his name would suggest. And I already scanned two pictures too closely together or else I'd scan the panel where Moritat draws some really cute cleavage on Nocturna hanging upside down. Sorry about that, cleavage fans.

Cleveland should rename itself to Cleavage. That sounds like a fun town! As opposed to "Cleveland" which sounds like a rather unexciting sewage system.

Another reason Killshot isn't going to collect a check on this job is because Batwoman knocks him out cold with the old Bat-Electrified-Wire gag. Then she leaves him for the cops and goes out to her favorite dive bar, The Haunted Clam. Moritat must also head out for a drink since he's done with his part of the arting.

Instead of going to the bar, Kate Kane goes and cleans all of her possessions out of Maggie Sawyer's apartment. I'm really disappointed in Kate. She wants to be with Maggie. Maggie wants to be with her. Jaime likes her. But Kate is letting the whole incident where she startled the kid in the middle of the night get out of hand. Kate believes she's responsible for the tension between Maggie and her ex-husband. No, you know where that tension comes from, Kate? Divorce. It's just two bitter and resentful individuals trying to fuck with each other as much as they can because their feelings were hurt. I think the jerky way people treat each other during a divorce is caused by the huge embarrassment of having invited all of their friends to a ceremony that they subsequently shit all over. How do you keep the wedding presents after that and still look your friends in the eyes?

Kate tries to sneak out while just leaving a Dear Johnette letter (unless it's a Dear Jane letter (or maybe just a Fuck You, I'm Outta Here letter)) but Maggie comes home. And she's so happy to see her across the next two pages that I don't want to fucking turn the page! Poor Maggie. Jerko Kate! Stupid Dan DiDio.

Kate pretends everything is just fine before scurrying into the elevator and getting the hell out of there before Maggie gets a chance to read the letter. That's the second best way to break up with someone. The best way is to put your car in neutral, push it off of a bridge, and then start a new life in Argentina.

The letter is actually pretty decent. The only problem is that it's still Kate controlling and manipulating the people and the environment around her instead of trusting that other people can make decisions and compromises about their own lives all by themselves. Anyway, she's leaving Maggie until Jaime, Maggie's daughter, dies or runs away or decides she wants to live full time with her father. Then they can get back together and be two single people alone together. Or something.

With that not very sexy drama over, Kate goes home to get sexily bitten by a sexy vampire.

Lucky!

Batwoman #34 Rating: No change. At one point in the latter half of the comic, Kate's psychiatrist says to her, "You made a decision based on the emotional welfare of someone else. That proves you're not a sociopath." I think that means I am a sociopath! I don't think I've ever made a decision like that in my life! I didn't even know other people had emotional welfares! It's as if he's saying other people actually exist as autonomous beings! Ridiculous.

Batwoman #32

Batwoman vs. Vampirebatwoman! Fight to the...orgasm?!

This issue begins in faux media res which means it starts off with one strike against it. It is the opinion of any intelligent comic book reader (a rare creature indeed!) that comic books should begin somewhere (anywhere!) and continue from there. Perhaps a few flashbacks or reminiscences along the way but the story should continue along from the point of page one. Instead, comic books like to show a hero getting their ass handed to them on page one and then begin the actual story on page two until the plot catches up to that first page which the comic book then, generally, repeats. I suppose a writer might defend himself with some kind of bullshit about exploded narratives or non-sequential, non-linear story telling. But as I noted so eloquently when I called it bullshit, that's bullshit. Because once the story really begins on page two, it just begins a linear, sequential, unexploded life until the final page. And if that's the case, I've got a novel idea! Just begin with page two! Let the cover be the exciting lure to get the reader into the story. You don't need an action packed page one to get the reader interested.

I know what you're thinking! How often have you picked up a comic book and were faced with dialogue on the first page? What a bummer, right?! Where's the action? Will this comic book even have any? Is it going to be all talking and fat Claremont sized Narration boxes?! How many times have you put down a comic book because you were already bored by page one simply because no knuckles were busting chops? I can answer only for myself: I have no boxes full of comic books I've never read simply because they didn't engage the primal, violent part of my brain on page one! Although I do have shelves packed with independent comic books that are full of great characters and nearly no violence at all!

Oh shit! Don't stop reading! Look! Violence! Dammit. I should have begun with this image!

Just think how much better Moby Dick would have been if it began with the encounter with the great white whale! Ahab would be all, "Smile you son of a bitch!" and then the book would continue, "Thirty six hours earlier. Call me Ishmael."

The issue truly begins at a children's charity carnival where Kate Kane runs into Sophie, an old fuckbuddy from her days at West Point. It seems Sophie's going to be working in Gotham so that she can come in between Maggie and Kate! It's not like that little fucking prick Jaime isn't already ruining things. I wish she'd just get hit by a train already.

Sophie just happens to be dating the daughter of the dead husband of Nocturna, so that's probably how she and Batwoman will wind up kissing and doing other lesbian activities like holding hands and scrapbooking. Since Kate is already feeling like Maggie is pushing her away, she's ripe for a little non-fiancée poontang.

Nine pages in and no action?! Good thing that first page satisfied my bloodlust. Otherwise I'd have to make due with a trip to the carnival and a visit to the psychiatrist and a half-naked man training. My attention is beginning to wander!

Oh wait! My attention is back! Although now I have to go repress myself.

Nocturna heads out to steal some grail for her to drink her morning blood out of. And by a crazy coincidence, Batwoman is out on patrol looking to beat the living crap out of something! Or unliving crap, if the only creatures she can find are vampires.

Batwoman tries to stop Nocturna but then page one happens and Batwoman is knocked out cold. But Batwoman shouldn't worry too much that she failed since Sophie's girlfriend called in the Pest Control to take care of Nocturna. Unless it's somebody else she wants killed with a similar name since Natalia Matternacht isn't Nocturna's name at all! Well, it's damn close. I guess I can forgive her for getting it wrong. Although when you want somebody assassinated, I think the name is kind of important. Anyway, this is her friend from Pest Control:

I find the name derivative and uninspired. My guess is he doesn't last two issues.

Batwoman #32 Rating: No change. Even with the loss of one of the greatest creative teams in the history of people teaming up with other people, I'm still thoroughly enjoying this comic book. I like the way it handles the beats. You know what I mean by the beats? It's like how Kate Kane is all enjoying a day at the carnival and then suddenly she's shitting herself that Maggie doesn't love her anymore and then she's on patrol looking to fuckfight somebody. And still we get a bit of insight into some other characters as well. Although I wish I'd never met Killshot. That guy's had nearly no panel time and I already think he's a major fucktwat. I think "fucktwat" is the South London equivalent of "douchebag." I also could be wrong since I don't know anything about South London.

Batwoman #30

If I were a villain in Gotham, I'd choose the name Batasshole because Batman obviously doesn't give a shit about protecting his Batcopyrights.

Last issue ended with Batwoman ambushed by a bunch of C-List villains while she chased Wolf Spider through Arkham. Wolf Spider got away while Batwoman was left to try to remember the names of the mentally ill inmates just released from their cells. They must be mentally ill since instead of trying to escape, they decided to battle Batwoman.

Ah! So much better than freedom!

I hope the battle lasts for the rest of the comic book so I don't have anything to comment on!

Although when the battle isn't very clear, I suppose I have to point at it and yell, "Hey Marc and Jeremy! You guys are sucking up the suck!" Like this next page that made me yell, "Hey Marc and Jeremy! You guys are sucking up the suck!"

I have no idea how she defeats Frat Disaster by touching her wrist clitoris. Oh wait! I think I just figured it out!

If you're not sure why I call this villain "Frat Disaster," I'm not going to explain the really disgusting origin story I've come up with for him. Use your own perverse imagination! Stop grubbing your grubby little mind hands all over mine!

The next person that attacks Batwoman is The Blue Fairy who, as it turns out, is The Green Fairy because you know why. Absinthe! People that currently drink absinthe and think they're fucking crazed poet monsters above the rest of humanity are jerks. Absinthe is simply strong alcohol that tastes like Prell Shampoo. Stop drinking it and pretending you're hallucinating Olivia Newton John roller skating out of Kubla Khan's asshole. If it ever did fuck with a person's mind in a way different than the way alcohol alone fucks with a person's mind, it was probably back when it was drunk by people filled with syphilitic spirochetes. It isn't anymore (or very rarely is, anyway!) so stop pretending it's any different than drinking grain alcohol or your grandmother's perfume.

I was unsure how she defeated Frat Disaster but I definitely know how she defeats The Green Fairy!

By shoving a handful of Frat Disaster's sticky coating in her face! Eww!

After The Green Fairy, Batwoman faces El Cucaracha. And we're back to me not understanding how she defeats him. I think she throws a couple of insect Viagra at the cockroaches, causing them to all orgasm at the same time. They wind up stuck in the jellied mass, basically becoming the cockroach version of Frat Disaster.

Wolf Spider's plan worked in that he delays Batwoman long enough to get away on spider webbed wings. But it doesn't delay her long enough to keep her from sticking a Bat-Tracker to him. I guess she'll just have to catch him when he goes after the Kane Family Eisenstadtz.

Meanwhile, Maggie Sawyer is served a subpoena in the middle of the night in the middle of the police station. And she can't find a bullshit reason to kill the messenger? Come on! She's surrounded by crooked Gotham cops that wouldn't look twice if she stuffed this subpoena up the ass of the bike messenger that delivered it for a small bag of rocks. The subpoena informs Maggie that her ex-husband is suing her for sole custody of their kid. I'm sure Kate Kane can take care of this, vigilante style!

Batwoman chases Wolf Spider down and confronts him in her father's house. That's where she's lucky to not be shot in the face after being shot in the back.

Wold Spider used your name, Grantham! You have to kill Batwoman now! Idiot!

The issue ends with Team Bad Guys (Grantham and Wolf Spider) and Team Good Gals (Batwoman (unharmed thanks to Batbodyarmor, of course) and Hawkfire) figuring out the puzzle of the shitty paintings. They're maps themselves and they lead to a final location where Wolf Spider and Batwoman should have their last high school reunion.

Batwoman #30 Rating: No change. One thing worth noting that I didn't mention earlier because I couldn't turn it into a joke about large quantities of semen is that Nocturna escaped from Arkham. She'll probably turn up later in a story where Maggie Sawyer's child catches Kate and Nocturna in a compromising position. Then Maggie's daughter will say to her father, "Daddy? What's scissoring?" And then the judge will smash down his gavel and yell, "I declare this girl should be raised by the heterosexual parent!" And then Maggie will slap Kate. And then Kate and Maggie will break-up. And then that judge will later have to make a public apology and explain how he didn't mean the child should go to the father because the father was heterosexual but that he was just explaining which parent the child was going to without judgment! And everybody will go, "A judge without judgment! What a great joke! We forgive you!" Then the judge will wipe the sweat from his brow, thank God for his quick thinking, and then on the way home, wind up beaten to a pulp by a mysterious dark figure with bright red hair. Not because the judge was heterosexual but because he was an asshole.

I think I may have gotten too specific with my speculation! What I meant to say is Batwoman is going to battle Nocturna in a future issue!

Batwoman #28

I thought Gotham City was horrible before it had giant spiders.

At the end of last issue, Maggie's daughter caught Kate Kane changing out of her Batwoman costume in the middle of the night. If that's the worst thing to go wrong this night then she should probably be ecstatic. She survived being ambushed by Wolf Spider, poisoned, and thrown off of a skyscraper. She could have come home and began making out with Maggie while in full costume when Maggie's daughter walked in. That song would be so much better than "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Which, when you really think about it, is a totally fucked up song. The little girl doesn't know Santa is her daddy so she thinks her mom is cuckolding daddy (I'm sure the girl in the song knows the word "cuckold") and she thinks it's funny! "Oh, what a laugh if daddy had only seen! As long as he had his shotgun locked up in the gun safe, that is." Of course, we, the listeners, don't even actually know that her Daddy is dressed as Santa! That could be her Dad's best friend Ross under that beard and red suit! Still, whether or not Mommy is screwing around behind Daddy's back doesn't bother me at all. It's the little girl's attitude that I find abhorrent! She should be freaked out by this! She should be screaming for Daddy to get in here and kick Santa's ass! At the very least, she should go back to her bedroom and begin shitting in the corner of her room on a nightly basis due to her suddenly acquiring a healthy new set of emotional problems that will be with her for the rest of her life.

"I saw mommy kissing Batwoman,
Bloody bruised and breathing heavily.
All the boners there would have been
If some fratboys had only seen
Mommy kissing Batwoman last night!"

Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong livelihood! I should attempt to be like Hugh Grant's character's father in About a Boy and work on trying to write one fucking Christmas hit and be set for life! Why doesn't everybody do that?! It can't be that hard to write a good Christmas song. People continue to fucking play that vile piece of ear feces "Frosty the Snowman", don't they? Whenever I watched the Christmas special, I always wondered if, after Frosty put on the magic hat, Frosty took on aspects of the original hat's owner and became a raging pedophile? I'm not saying all magicians are perverse kid diddlers but...no, no. I am saying that. I haven't watched that special in a long time because I hate it but wasn't the magician portrayed as a villain? When all he wanted was his stupid hat back after that snowbitch stole it? Frosty really should have been arrested for petty larceny.

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Kids get scared sometimes. Probably not enough times even. Actually, they should be in a constant state of terror. If I had a child, you can bet there would be no "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" bullshit. It would be more, "No no no no no no no no no no why is mommy kissing the bogeyman oh no no no no no no" and "Daddy, why is their a large stone table covered in melted red crayon and hamburger in the basement?"

Since Kate's personal life is now all screwed up because of one inconsequential fright that will probably be forgotten in the morning, Kate decides to go out as Batwoman looking for Wolf Spider. Nobody wants to tell her where he is because they ain't no good rats. Kate does find him the next day when she runs into her high school friend Evan who is just as beat up as she is but neither of them know that they were recently just trying to kill each other. Unless Evan isn't actually Wolf Spider because that would be a bigger twist than him being Wolf Spider. As soon as it was mentioned Evan was good at gymnastics, the odds were more in favor of him being Wolf Spider than not. Also the new character is always the prime suspect when introduced in an issue where a new villain is also introduced. So, yet again, that would make it a bigger twist if he wasn't the bad guy.

This is the face of a woman thinking, "Hey wait. Didn't the Trap Door Spider use Krav Maga to throw me through a window?"

Kate ditches Evan to go talk with Maggie and winds up running into Maggie's daughter, Jamie. Who she scares yet again. Good for her! Keep that kid's instincts sharp! She's living in Gotham City now! Can't ever relax too much.

Maggie and Kate have a really lousy talk because all of a sudden Kate's career as a superhero is suddenly putting strain on their relationship. Not the kind of strain where Maggie says, "I can't do this anymore!" The kind of strain where Maggie says, "You probably need a psychiatrist because cuckoo puffs!" Maybe it's not exactly that kind of strain either but it's definitely Maggie looking at Kate in a new light now that Maggie's daughter is in the house with them. She's actually seeing her as possibly dangerous since she's diagnosed her with post-traumatic stress disorder. That's fair, I guess. Not that everybody that has horrible experiences winds up with PTSD. But it's a possibility, right? And what if Jamie drops her teddy bear really softly one night as she enters the room where Kate and Maggie are sleeping and Kate jumps up and knocks Jamie out with a batarang? Better safe than mentally off-balance, right?

It's more likely that Maggie suffers from PTSD so she automatically assumes Kate does too. Just like an alcoholic seeing a non-alcoholic take a few too many drinks one night and begins getting preachy and smirking knowingly and shaking there head in self-righteous judgment. Man, I hate when dad does that to me! Just because I choose to get shit-faced at the family Christmas Party and accidentally have sex with a stocking hanging from the fake fireplace, that doesn't mean I have a problem! Jerko.

Oh! Now you pull out the Batgrapple?! Couldn't have used it when you were plummeting thirty stories to the ground last issue, could you?

Meanwhile Bette Kane has been doing some research on the artwork that Brown Recluse has been stealing. She's discovered that he's only bothering with crappy paintings by some jerk named Alden Eisenstadt (which is probably an anagram for something like "Eisenstadt Alden"). What she doesn't find out is that some of the paintings were merely concealing maps to something far more valuable than the painting itself. And that's why Wolf Spider has been hired to steal them. He only needs two more: one is in Arkham and the other is in the Kane Family Estate.

Batwoman #28 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Batwoman never actually battled a Giant Spider. Oh! That was probably a metaphor for the battle she had with Maggie in which she conceded that she is probably crazy and should get some help. I'd explain how precise the metaphor is in its genius but I wouldn't want to seem like I was patronizing you. I can tell you understood it perfectly!