Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5

Time for another sexy chapter!

Once upon a time, a full month passed since the last chapter of this sexy story. Back then, it was a time of not knowing where the story was headed or how the penultimate chapter might end! "Penultimate" is a word that everybody knows because it is one of those long words that sound important and are easy to remember the definition of. I also like it because this is a sexy story and it has "pen" in it and you know what other word has "pen" in it, right? Wink, wink!

But now a month has passed! Vartox is not longer a Puritron so you can bet there will be plenty of sexy scenes today! I hope you already have you pants around your ankles and are sitting on a plastic sheet! Or at least, if you're male, have the plastic sheet a number of inches in front of you depending on the last time you had an orgasm. Keep it close if you have had one recently! But if you are all backed up because nobody will have sex with you and maybe your mother has been keeping a close eye on you and the amount of time you spend in the shower, you'd better put that plastic sheet like a foot or two away because you are going to go off like a messy bottle rocket!

But before everybody does it to everybody else (and you do it to yourself), they're probably going to have to battle some cockblocker named The Harvester of Sorrow. He's a great big handsome head with a beard made of sewer pipes because things are going to get super filthy in and around his face. If you're an adult, you totally know what I'm talking about. If you are a child, you should be thinking about cupcakes. Also maybe you shouldn't be reading this. Instead you should go tell your parents that they are not good at their job.

Mister Sorrow spreads madness all across the universe destroying star systems. If you want to know more about him, you should listen to Metallica's "Harvester of Sorrow." That should explain everything. I suppose I could explain it here but I don't want to repeat any of Metallica's lyrics because Lars Ulrich will sue me. So don't worry, Lars! This is a sex story and bringing up something like infanticide would just kill all of the boners.

The Harvester of Sorrow attacks but nobody's clothes fall off in the way that horny teenagers love clothes to fall off. Horny adults also like for that to happen. Sometimes adults and teenagers who aren't horny don't know that they want clothes to fall off until the clothes fall off and then the horniness sets in. Some good advice when you want to do it with somebody is to just get naked in a room full of people and ask if anybody is horny. Some gross people will say that they are horny but then you should just put your clothes back on and say you are no longer horny instead of saying that they are gross because that's mean. Even gross people don't want to be rejected harshly. Believe me, I know that because a gross friend of mine told me how my feelings were hurt every time somebody told me they didn't want to do it with me because I was gross.

This story is getting less and less sexy every page!

Inside the Cockblocker's head, Harley discovers some berry stickers with bubble gum guns. Those sound like the kinds of things that children would be into! I guess adults that want to appear youthful and whimsical and carefree would also be into bubble gum guns and berry sticker security guards. But us adults who like to do it do not have time for kiddie things! Although I would love to earn a Scratch-n-Sniff banana sticker for being good at doing it to a lady!

Oh wait! I found a sexy part!

And that's about it for the sexy part so you might want to finish while looking at Harley kissing Ivy. I'll wait.

Okay, so the men are back now! You guys missed the part where the giant head caught a Joker virus from Harley and then exploded. I suppose there was another slightly sexy part when you could see Harley's Butt Window but it was really small and not worth mentioning in the story. Also I forgot I was writing a sexy story because this comic book wasn't sexy at all. That feels like a bait and switch because all of the other issues were very sexy and this one was just weird. I didn't even mention the people with billiard balls for heads!

Anyway, the planet was saved and everybody decided it was time to sit in hot tub full of orifice massaging tentacles. But before that happens, Vartox decides to propose to Power Girl because he really wants to put his penis into her vagina on a regular basis. The ring is his way of claiming Power Girl as his own so that other men will go, "I really want to put my penis in that lady's vagina but I can see by the ring on the appropriate finger that she has been claimed by somebody already. So instead I will just get a good look at her and masturbate later while thinking about how she might put her mouth on specific parts of my body that normally people don't put their mouths on." But the story ends before Power Girl can say yes or no because that is called the cliffhanger and it is meant to get the reader frothing at the mouth about what will happen next. Here is a clue: Power Girl marries him for the ring to get home! Remember how that clue was given to readers in Harley Quinn #12? In that issue, I predicted this adventure would go something like this:

[T]hen they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

I think that was a pretty accurate prediction!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5 Rating: No change. This issue did not have enough sex or near sex or hinted at sex or off-color sex jokes or mentions of Harley's beaver or innuendos about sex or anything sexy at all. My pants are full of disappointment.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4

I knew it too! Master Comic Book Reader!

This is part two of the sexy story I was writing last time which was wholly original and super sexy. It was full of man parts interacting with lady parts and lady parts interacting with shower nozzles and lady parts being looked at by man parts (the eye parts!) and man parts being hinted about because they're far too gross or sexy to mention completely or to show erect if you want your book to become a movie which can be shown in a theater whose floors are only sticky due to spilled pop. At the conclusion of the first sexy part, Power Girl had just been overcome by Vartox the Puritron's Semen Eye Beams. They were all "SPLOOSH!" and Power Girl's breasts were all "STICKY!" and all the readers were all satisfied. But now the readers have had time to get unsatisfied which is also called horny in less respectable places of soft repute. So I must satisfy them once more with my sexy writing style!

Before I continue with my story, let's play a game! Plumber or Power Girl?!

If you guessed "plumber," you probably forgot which comic book I was "reviewing".

Power Girl and Vartox the Puritron were locked in a vicious battle of punching each other in the faces. I will not describe the battle in detail because this is not a story about kinky behavior. I will not have people who get turned on by violence getting turned on by reading my sexy story for people who get turned on by not-so-subtle innuendo about man rods and pool parties in panties. If you're into violent boners, you should probably be reading Batman. I'm pretty sure he's beating the teeth out of somebody right now in his Annual. You should put your pants on and go to your local comic book store to pick it up. But wear a long coat because nobody wants to see your raging bat boner if you are a guy or your slowly spreading love stain if you are a woman who probably forgot to put on her underwear and is wearing white Capri pants.

Harley Quinn joined the battle riding on the back of her Joker colored Battle Cat which could speak. I don't remember where it came from. Maybe it's Groovicus Mellow's Space Dong? If so, it's bigger than I suspected! And I was suspecting a pretty big Space Dong based on Groovicus Mellow's look by which I mean skin color unless even stereotypes that I would like to be typed with are bad and then I meant because he just sounds like the type of guy who would own a big Space Dong. And also it's probably a rescue because that's the cool way to get a Space Dong. You don't want to support greedy Space Dong Mills. Although I don't actually think Harley is riding Groovicus's Space Dong into battle at all. Obviously this is Harley's Space Pussy.

Vartox the Puritron began to choke Harley Quinn to death because he was exhausted by her eyeballs trying to look up his loin cloth. But then Harley's Space Pussy began to purr and Vartox was all, "Why am I so calm and happy now?! Only true monsters do not love Space Pussy! You can tell the character of a person by their love of Space Pussy! When a person sees a Space Pussy and is all, 'Argh! Get that awful thing away from me! It is so selfish and doesn't approve of me at all and it has hurt me feelings! I wish it were a Space Dong because they will love anything! They will even love things that have just beaten them with a miniature Spaceball Bat!', you know that person is not a person to be liked at all and is probably a big jerko!" Also in the background which I should probably describe so I could fill a few hundred pages like that Tolkien guy, some mushrooms were growing and looking like stumpy penises which means normal sized.

Harley Quinn's Space Pussy convinced Vartrox to stop being a Puritron because it was so soothing to look at and to listen to as well if you're into that sort of thing. So Vartox was all, "Hey! I am myself again. Let us shagadelic, baby!" And then somebody probably said "That's what he said!" because Michael Scott was quoting Austin Powers but now everybody is just quoting Michael Scott. "That's what he said," everybody probably just said.

If anybody was wondering where Harley Quinn got her Space Pussy, I have decided, of my own free will and from my own imagination, to come up with Harley's Space Pussy's Origin Story.

And then the giant Space Pussy licked itself.

Vartox the No Longer Puritron grabbed up Power Girl in his arms and kissed her which gave him the feelings inside that one gets when one kisses a person whom a person wants to kiss. Good feelings, probably, since I see people kissing all over the place and it seems like they like it. Sometimes it seems like they really like it if they are wearing jogging pants or white Capri pants! Usually when I see people kissing at the mall, I think of saying something super witty like "Get a room!" but then forget to say it because some butt touching happens and then I just think "I hope they don't get a room at all and just do it right here in public!" It's about that time that I start to get really uncomfortable eating my hot dog on a stick.

Power Girl threw Vartox against a mountain because she still has Puritron feelings having been raised on Krypton where nobody ever put ding dongs in hoo-has because they had a really excellent Test Tube Baby program. Jor-el was the only Kryptonian that was curious about sticking his ding dong in a hoo-ha instead of in a test tube. And Lara was totally into giving it a go too because she was a total slut. I wish I would meet a total slut! Where does one go to meet one? The zoo? An arcade? The Hallmark Store?

Thanks to the magic of Harley Quinn's Space Pussy, Vartox was once again his normal self and the fighting stopped for all time. At least between the the heroes of the story! More fighting will take place later against Oreo the Buzzkill.

If Earth is where all of the sluts are, how come I can't find any?!

Oreo the Buzzkill attacked with his army of Sex Nuns. Not that they're nuns that like to have sex but they're nuns who think the number of sexual partners a person should have is none. It's a pun or something. Whatever it is, it isn't very erotic at all! I thought this story was supposed to be full of sentences that make your stomach feel like you have diarrhea but in a good way. I guess I'll have to pad it with some of those moments so everybody gets their money's worth (even if no money was spent to get this worth).

The explosion exploded Harley Quinn across the barren landscape that was not completely barren due to all of the penis-shaped mushrooms growing in the background. As Harley flew through the air, her thong underwear that she had put on backwards disappeared for mysterious reasons that probably won't be explained later since that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that her lady parts were now flapping and flopping all over the place. Unless lady parts do something else when exposed to the air. Perhaps expand and throb? If you've seen lady parts before in real life, just picture them doing whatever they were doing that time you saw them. Also if you are the type of lady who isn't turned on by lady parts, just wait until the next sentence! Harley thought she was dead for sure but she was caught in the arms of Vartox whose loin cloth had fallen to the side exposing his penis which looked like a mushroom. But it looked like a huge mushroom that had veins in it and was probably throbbing too. It was either circumcised or uncircumcised depending on which one you find more attractive although since it was erect, it probably didn't matter. It was the exact right size to not be intimidating at all and looked like the kind of thing you would want to put in your mouth, like a Popsicle or a retainer. It was super hot to look at especially since it was now so close to Harley's exposed lady parts which were probably dripping or erect or whatever they do when they're in proximity to a penis. The readers probably had to take a break now to go masturbate because this scene was so exciting.

But then Oreo the Buzzkill turned his gaze on the naked flesh of his enemies and was perturbed! Wait a second. Let me check the dictionary. Yes, yes. He was perturbed verily much!

So the whole world conquering thing was due to having a small penis? Now we all know what Mongul's Dong looks like! What's the smallest mushroom? That's what it looks like!

Power Girl defeats Oreo the Buzzkill while he's distracted by Vartox's Massive Space Dong (not the pet kind of Space Dong this time but actually his penis). But that's not the end of the story! The end of the story will only take place after Power Girl and Harley Quinn defeat Oreo's boss: The Harvester of Sorrow! I bet he was cheated of his youth. I bet somebody turned some lie to truth.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4 Rating: +2 Ranking or something, I guess. I mean, this comic book is fun and enjoyable but it shouldn't be read by anybody because it is full of sexy things which Americans are not allowed to read. They are sinful and inappropriately fun. As an American, I know I should not be reading this at all. It is my duty to be dour and to tsk tsk anybody that thinks about sex in any way other than for making a baby. When an American has sex, he or she should only be thinking about babies the entire time. Men's sex talk should be things like, "I am going to put my penis inside your vagina in the hopes that I can shoot enough sperm into you so that one of them will swim up your lady parts that I don't know the name of because I never had a proper sex education class and the sperm will fertilize your egg which will immediately become a living being loved by all strangers (at least until it is born and then forget about it)." Then the woman should say, "Oh yes, yes. Make a baby inside of me! But be careful that I do not orgasm because women should not be enjoying sex at all. That is the man's prerogative!" Then nine months later everybody can enjoy the baby until they are shot in a random act of violence that can not be stopped so why even try. America!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3

Looks like another episode of "This comic book is all about fucking but it's teen rated so we can make a shitload of money which means we had to leave the actual fucking out of it. Sorry!"

Harley Quinn removed the finger (or two?) a woman most commonly puts inside of her pee hole for pleasure and spoke into the ship's microphone which was super close to her mouth and reminded the reader that sometimes women put penises in their mouths. She sexily began to talk like Captain Kirk in those scenes where he would tell the viewers everything they needed to know before watching the rest of the show which would be about the officers risking their life by exploring a strange and dangerous planet when they should probably stay aboard the ship while only lower ranked crew members beamed down to the planet. That Enterprise ship was poorly managed!

"Starbanger twenty-three point five seven point more numbers: today we approach a planet that looks like a butthole. We plan on going in fast so that the Puritrons won't know what hit them. We are on a mission to rescue Sexman the Horny which will probably end in tons of finger tonguing and groin scuffling. We should probably only wear underwear on the mission even though this is just a word story and not a visual story and the horny people reading it will just have to imagine how just a tiny bit of my areola shows over my lacy bra (which is probably see through as well so you can see everything but seeing the bit that is uncovered is a super turn on still so we'll leave it like that). And they'll just have to imagine how my thong underwear was put on backwards because I was in such a hurry this morning so the thin part is hardly covering any of my lady parts at all! And my lady parts are all quivery and excited because I'm going to get to meet, and probably have marital infidelities with, Sexman the Horny!"

"What are you doing?" asked Power Girl as she slowly pulled on her crotchless granny panties. One of her massive boobs had fallen out of the hole in her outfit because that hole was an extremely bad idea with boobs that big. Her Kryptonian nipple was about seven inches long and totally weird but in a way that made people in the movie theater after this story has been adapted into a film scream, "I've got a very erect thingy now!"

Harley Quinn scoffed at Power Girl not sitting on her face. That scene would just have to wait for later unless that's not a sex move and just an accident that sometimes happens to two women who love each other very much or just met even. "I am smarter than you!" The words squelched out of Harley's perfect mouth and penetrated both of Power Girl's ears. Power Girl let out a sigh or a moan and Kryptonian love goop dripped out of the crotchless part of her underwear. "I love it when you talk to me!"

Groovicus Mellow and his probably Massive Space Dong (because he was an African American Spaceman and everybody knows how much they love to bring their pet Space Dongs with them) said, "Ladies! We have arrived at the city which looks like dozens of penises thrusting their engorged veinyness straight into space!"

We all do, Harley. All the time.

"Why are all of those buildings so erect?" Harley queried her lady parts which were smashed up against the window in a very flattering way. "I wish I had brought my beaver into space with me so I could make some very direct and unsubtle jokes about touching it!" Power Girl rolled her eyes and shoved her boobs back into her suit and waved her hands in the air and said, "I'm totally not into sex at all and this story is not making me feel sexy!" Groovicus Mellow winked at his Space Dong which drooled a little bit.

"Sexman the Horny once had to go fifty years without ever having sex," proclaimed Groovicus Mellow which made everybody smirk and titter because we all know how ridiculous it would be for somebody to have to go without sex for fifty years, right?! So crazy! I mean, we get that sometimes people go without sex for say...forty-three years, maybe. But fifty?! That's beyond comprehension! I hope!

Harley Quinn lifted her stinky finger into the air and said, "One time in high school when I was super horny but not allowed to act on it because the society I'm from frowns on women enjoying sex and also thinks that young women should deprive themselves of the pleasure of sex because they have these laws where young women can't have sex with guys if they're too old which means they have to have sex with guys their own age who don't know how to give good sex yet and are always disappointing in the sack for the ten seconds of wasted time you spend in the sack with them, I drew lots of erect thingies on my Pee-Chee folder during Algebra. Now whenever I think of the Quadratic Equation, my panties fill up with love minestrone." If a sexier soup is invented by the time this story becomes a movie, it should replace "minestrone" in the script. Also in the Indian translation of this story, that should probably read "my panties fill up with love vindaloo."

Harley's speech was interrupted by a fleet of fighters attacking their ship and the way too accurate uncircumcised penis shaped ship of the Extreme Girlfriends Fighting and "The Other F-Word" Force. The battle would surely be super exciting but in a different way from the kind of exciting this story is supposed to incite, so it should be over quickly. Boners mixed with aggression should probably be limited to just fifteen or twenty pages.

Harley Quinn abandoned the ship because she's practically a Green Lantern now that she found some Hard Light Gloves in a previous episode. "I want to have all the sex but I can't so I will destroy things," she screamed as she flew spread-eagled into battle. "I hope nobody gets a peak at my undercarriage as I fly about murdering Puritrons! And I probably should have put my underwear on correctly because it is really uncomfortable probably because it's smooshing my lady thing or riding up it or getting tangled up in it or something. It would be easier to describe if I knew what one looked like! I mean a thong and not a lady's thingy, of course, since I am a lady and I look at my thingy nearly every day," explained Harley in a way that made the readers nod appropriately and maybe put a hand down their pants.

Power Girl followed Harley Quinn into the battle because Power Girl knew she could enjoy beating people up and forget about all the fun, bawdy sex stuff that is subtly happening in the background which I'm mentioning just in case you didn't notice any of it. Go back and reread it with that in mind and you'll see how I've been inserting lots of sexy parts into the story! The battle was also joined by Cherub, Sexman the Horny's fling from college. Cherub is a male which shows just how much Sexman the Horny is into sex that he'll sex up men and women. He probably even sexily stroked Groovicus Mellow's Massive Dong once!

Is the portal line a sex joke or just an observation? Is everything in this book a sex joke? Am I a sex joke?

Cherub set his ship to self-pleasure and ejaculated out of it and into Power Girl's arms. His ship entered the massive portal and exploded. With the violent part of the story over, Harley Quinn and Power Girl and Cherub returned to their ship to shower together for five or six descriptive pages. But they're distracted by Groovicus Mellow who is partaking in a drug party with drugs so I won't have to do any research on the female anatomy for the shower scene. I'm not even sure how to write an all-female shower sex scene! Can I use words like throbbing and boner and penetration? Or do I have to stick to words like sensuous and open mouthed kissing and erotic friend touching? How do two women have sex with each other? Do they eat salad and talk about boys until they're tuckered out?

Mellow's drugs perforated the entire space ship so everybody got super high and turned into Moritat drawings which meant they were suddenly super cute and reminded me how much I miss Tallulah Black. Power Girl's hand turned into a zebra and said, "I am not Power Girl's hand anymore! I am Marty and I want to tell you where Power Girl has been putting me!" But then Power Girl strangled Marty into speechlessness because she's supposed to be grossed out by sex stuff and she didn't want her zebra telling Harley Quinn how much she actually enjoys finger tooting and shower nozzling. Harley Quinn was all, "Time to write a Hunter S. Thompson story!" And Power Girl sighed and said, "Ugh. I hope you actually know Hunter S. Thompson's voice and how to imitate it when you do the story and you're not just one of those people who once saw Fear and Loathing in New Mexico and decided you were a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan because he did drugs and stuff!" And Harley Quinn put a Quaalude in her butthole and said, "Relax, mon ameeba! I gat dis voice downed pat, true 'nuff!"

So this is where a scene happens that makes the audience go, "Oh yeah! That's totally Hunter S. Thompson but mixed with comic book references and I totally get it all because I'm super up on all that jazz!" Plus Spider Jerusalem makes an appearance but he's missing the tattoo of the spider on his head for some incomprehensible reason that is totally incomprehensible no matter how many people message me saying it isn't and explaining it to me.

Why did all of the drug stuff take precedence over Mr. Mxyzptlk oral sexing Harley?

The drug party eventually ended without anybody's nether regions having a fun time (except maybe Harley's which may or may not have orgasmed in the fifth dimension. I bet during oral sex Mr. Mxyzptlk would accidentally say Kltpzyxm! How come Superman never tricked him that way?) and the hog-loving heroes went back on the case which was a rescue mission, remember? They were trying to save Sexman the Horny so he could teach them all the proper way to scream, "HOLY CRAP I'M ENGAGING IN THE BEST SEX EVER AND PROBABLY ORGASMING ACROSS SEVERAL DIMENSIONS!" I'm going to scream that when I have sex. You know, the next time I have sex which will be really soon and, anyway, it wasn't that long ago when I last had sex either.

Groovicus Mellow was so high on the drugs that he wasn't able to react quickly enough to dodge an evil blast from the now evil Sexman the Horny! "Gasp!" says the audience as they realize Sexman the Horny has been turned to the dark side by Oreo the Deliciously Evil! "Now we must fight the person we came to save," screamed Power Girl! "Or we can just have sex with him because he's a bad guy now and bad guys totally know how to sex better than good guys. Let's not waste this opportunity! Right, my lady parts?"

"Goosh!" replied Harley Quinn's lady parts.

First Blumpkin joke ever in a mainstream superhero title?

Harley Quinn's lady parts were soon crying down her legs at the sight of such a manly example of a manly man. But Power Girl was disgusted due to her Kryptonian upbringing which made her brain say the exact opposite of what her vagina was feeling. "He is gross!" screamed Kara as her Vagina said, "GARGLE OOZE GRUMPHLE SQUIRT!"

Sexman the Horny attacked the lusty women by shooting Semen Beams out of his eyes. The curvy heroes hopped out of the way because they weren't ready to take care of baby heroes any time soon. They also may have been doing less dodging and more trying to find a better vantage point to sneak an upskirt peek of Sexman the Horny's missing unmentionables.

Definitely testicles and space dong. And to think, Simon Bizley couldn't even get away with sneaking a penis onto Lobo's arm!

"Please save my friend and probably next lover," begged Groovicus Mellow to Power Girl who was apparently the greatest love of Sexman the Horny but in another universe and time that this Power Girl didn't remember.

"I will not save him because he will probably try to put his tongue into one of my orifices that I usually pretend don't exist," Power Girl lectured. "Grumble mutter hazzafraggin sazz," sputtered Power Girl's butthole.

"Your butthole makes a pretty fair argument," replied Harley sniffing long and deeply.

"Okay, fine! I will speak with him and turn him back into the good Sexman the Horny. Or at least the version of him that is not trying to kill us but trying to have sex with us instead. I do not know why we would want that version though," responded Power Girl heroically as she flew off to save the day like her cousin always does, quickly and nonsexually.

Power Girl flies off and punches Sexman the Horny in the face. But Sexman the Horny does not lose so easily! Instead he says things like, "Your outfit does my penis a service!" and "Your feminist funbags pose a mighty argument which logic cannot counter!" and "Sex is for bad people because I am currently the opposite of Sexman the Horny due to being controlled by that Oreo guy, remember?" Power Girl's brain sort of agrees with that last point but she punches from her vagina and it completely disagrees with Sexman the Horny's philosophy of denying penises and vaginas pleasure. Thus it is understandable when I end my story by using the word "thus" and pointing out how Vartox blasted Power Girl with his Semen Vision while she was distracted by his barely covered jiggly bits. To be continued!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book is a filthy bit of pornographic swill which will completely offend any sensible comic book fan. But since no sensible comic book fans read my blog, none of you have to worry about being offended by it. It's deliciously bawdy with occasional bits of overly bawdy and too many bits of not bawdy enough. Also, Moritat draws three fucking pages of the most adorable Harley Quinn and Power Girl this side of my wet dreams. This is the issue where the book really finds a comfortable stride. The jokes come together with the story and it just really works. My main complaint is that the rating on the cover wasn't XXX so I still haven't gotten twenty two pages of Power Girl sitting on Harley's face while Poison Ivy orally pleasures her best friend with maybe Batman pounding Ivy in the ass. And not Bruce Wayne Batman! I want Jim while inside the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2

This cover is unrealistic. Harley's left hand should be cupping Power Girl's right boob.

When we last saw Power Girl and Harley Quinn, they were stranded on the planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They needed to find some perv named Lord Vartox so they could borrow his teleportation ring and get back to Earth. But there's an invading force of puritanical acne-faces who want to stop all of the guy boners and lady boners (I can't wait to find out what a lady boner is!) in the universe. Plus a lot of "-olees" were added to the ends of words.

After some bawdy humor, this "-olee" happens.

The Mechadentist is actually Killy-McHappybot 2.0. It's not as cute as Carl the End-of-Life Bear. Carl gives out drugs and brownies that probably have drugs in them and banana pudding that kills you. Killy-McHappybot 2.0 sews orifices shut. I know which robot I'd rather meet! Although I have a friend who hates bananas so much, she might actually choose to encounter the orifice sewing robot. At least then Carl couldn't shove any banana pudding into her.

While Power Girl battles lots and lots and lots and lots of Puritans on Speeder Bikes, Harley Quinn searches for a weapon to defeat Killy-McHappybot 2.0 before it sews her Holee holee up.

Harley forgot to add "-olee" to something!

Harley makes a hard light sledgehammer of the usual proportions so she can battle Killy-McHappybot 2.0 amid broken sex statues of asses, nipples, and hands with fingers in Standard Fingering Position #1.

Harley takes her hammer and refashions Killy-McHappybot 2.0 to look like her beaver.

On the surface of the planet, Power Girl has been knocked unconscious. But she's rescued by Fuck Me, Baby's protectors, the XXX-Men (who are mostly women although we all understand how "men" can often be used in a way which does not denote gender, right?).

The Triple-X Men are actually the XGF which is probably Ex-Girlfriend Force or just Ex-Girlfriends if you want it to be non-super-heroic sounding. That's probably why they're mostly female. Cherub must be from Lord Vartox's college years.

This is a glimpse into Midnighter's future if he keeps tagging everybody he bangs with communicators.

Harley rejoins the group and they all rush off to the moon of Lustox to rescue Vartox who has become a mindless sex slave of Oreth Odeon!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what you would expect it to be so it really doesn't need to be reviewed by anybody. Everybody will know whether they're going to like it or not as soon as they see it on the shelves. It's silly and bawdy and Harley is Harley and Power Girl could probably loosen up just a tad although I understand that she needs to be the adult in this relationship so I forgive her. I hope next issue somebody fucks somebody else! I'm all worked up from all the bawdiness! I think. When you're stomach growls, it means you're horny, right?

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?

Convergence: Action Comics #2

This commentary will be quite short.

Superman and Power Girl do some stuff and then there's an earthquake and then the story ends.

Convergence: Action Comics #2 Rating: Well, I can't really rate it yet since I haven't read it! So maybe I should read it although I'm pretty sure I just summarized it in that first paragraph.

The issue begins with Power Girl fitting into her old costume even though she supposedly gained fifteen pounds over the last year. It's a costume that I barely remember because it doesn't have a boob window in it. It's the kind of costume that she could wear for many years and then when it is redesigned to show most of her tits, comic book fans don't have a problem with it. But as soon as you try to change the costume back to a non-boob window variant a few years later, the pro-Power Girl's traditional outfit voices come out en masse! How dare DC Comics change Power Girl's outfit for no good reason! I mean, I realize it had changed for no good reason previously and nobody cared. But this time you can't see her gigantic mammaries! Fuck that shit!

As Power Girl flies off to save Metropolis, she's attacked by an Invisible Jet! I guess the "invisible" technology is too costly to stick on the missiles because those are super visible. But Power Girl has Super Vision which enables her to see the contrails left behind by the jet. Hey! I must have Super Vision too because I can see those!

Was this a "she loves me, she loves me not" petal pulling joke? Unless it was a "the turbulence turned the invisible jet into a washing machine which turned Wonder Woman's underwear into a swamp of love" joke!

Wonder Woman bails out of the plane (or simply falls out as it breaks apart. But that takes away her agency which would be unfeminist) and is caught by Power Girl. A single page depicts them crashing through a building and to the ground. That's not the way I would have drawn it. I would have filled about ten pages of close up panels of their boobs rubbing together as they crashed to the ground. I think that would have really ratcheted up the drama and the themes of loss of control that have been permeating all of the Convergence titles. Unless permeating isn't the word I really wanted to use there.

Once the woman and the girl land, Wonder Woman kicks Power Girl in the face, sending her flying miles and miles away where she lands on the barren landscape of Planet Brainiac.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane looks fashionable and upbeat in her beret.

Also, Lex Luthor becomes ruler of whatever country Moscow is the capital of and Joseph Stalin was the leader of. I think it was Communististan.

Power Girl and Wonder Woman's battle devolves into the same thing that always happens when a person from a capitalist country battles a person from a communist country: they make it all about the ideology they inherited from the country in which they were born.

Wonder Woman: "So! You have capitalist pig Wonder Woman in your world?"
Power Girl: "That's right, you communist dog! She's so much better because she actually has plenty of toilet paper with which to keep her beautiful butt clean!"
Wonder Woman: "Bah! Plentiful toilet paper is metaphor for your country's waste and excess! I spit on your toilet paper! Ptui!"
Power Girl: "Oh yeah?! Well I spit on your optimistic belief that people can get along by sharing all resources and looking out for the community as a whole rather than just a few individuals within that community!"
Wonder Woman: "Why you spit on such beautiful belief?! You and your 'video games' and 'comic books' and 'free speech'! It is grotesquerie!"
Power Girl: "I bet you don't even have a word in Russian for 'hobby', do you?! But you have fifty words for work!"
Wonder Woman: "Da! Work is hobby! Is 'da' word for yes in Russian? I forget because I am constantly speaking English in comic book!"

Lex Luthor reminds Joseph Stalin that he has nuclear weapons (or something even more outdated than all the super robotic crap Lex seems to have put together simply to find out about the nuclear missiles) and Stalin is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea!"

Back on the streets of Moscow, Wonder Woman has seemingly defeated Power Girl when the real hero of Action Comics arrives.

It took Superman longer to get here because he's old and flies way slower with his left eye blinking the whole way.

Superman tells the females to stop being so emotional and to think the situation through logically. Wonder Woman is all, "But that's so hard to do with this vagina!" And Power Girl is all, "I can't think with these boobs!" But Superman is able to crack the Illogic Field of their Femininity and convince them of the truth!

Wonder Woman expresses how she feels at a man being right. Again!

Meanwhile underneath Moscow, a mirror image discussion takes place.

Luthor: "My penis is telling me we have to launch these missiles that look like my penis!"
Stalin: "Da! My testicles rage at the thought of people living and loving at my expense!"
Lane: "You guys are idiots! We can't destroy the world to satisfy your male genitalia!"
Luthor: "I don't care! I mean, I can't care! At all! Testosterone eliminating all empathy within me!"
Stalin: "Penis stiffening at the thought of power through violence!"
Lane: "If you guys knock off this display, I'll show you my breasts."
Stalin and Luthor: "Okay."

Actually, Luthor plans on nuking Metropolis even though Lois is completely against it. And since they're married, he's already seen her breasts so that probably wouldn't stop him anyway. But Superman breaks through the wall to stop him using the logic of his fists, the ultimate weapon of mankind! And it works or something. The cities are saved somehow and I think it involves hugs or something.

I already did the closing part about ratings but not the rating so here it is: 5 Boob Windows out of 10.

Divergence: Sinestro
"Who is the traitor in the Sinestro Corps who has set New Korugar on a path to certain destruction?"

Um, the traitor is Sinestro, of course! Duh! Before Cullen Bunn even began writing the story, he just sat down and thought, "What if there were a traitor in the Sinestro Corps? Who would be the last person somebody would guess? Sinestro!" And then he wrote the story.

The Sneak Peek introduces the main Yellow Lanterns to any new readers. It also shows Sinestro is still making his way around the universe trying to save all of the lost Korugarians. Plus the Corps' new home seems to be Warworld so who cares if New Korugar is going to blow up, right? He also keeps mentioning how the Green Lantern Corps fell apart and abandoned its mission and I don't remember anything about that. I remember Hal quit and became a renegade. But I don't remember what happened in the final issue of the Green Lantern Corps! I should probably reread the commentary on that and see if it explains anything. Maybe we're just supposed to assume that everything fell apart because the universe hates them and Hal's gambit of turning into the scapegoat didn't work. How come DC is making me do all of the work in my head to explain this whole "The Green Lantern Corps has dispersed" bullshit?! Am I supposed to assume as soon as the comic book was cancelled that they stopped existing?!

Convergence: Catwoman #2

This cover made me Teen Plus in my pants.

DC Comics has decided that all of their stories they've ever created exist in the current continuity. But there's a catch! The New 52 is the cherished, most loved continuity baby of them all and it's that universe that will continue to exist after Darkseid and The Anti-Monitor finally put their penises back in their pants. The New 52 characters are the ones which editorial will treat with kid gloves. Those are the comic books, barring the "big shocker changes" happening between issue #40 and #41 of many of The New 52 issues, where the status quo will continue to be king. But the characters in Convergence don't really matter now. They're ghosts. They are now living the swinging, carefree lifestyle of Elseworlds characters. And you know what that means for Catwoman, right?! She's finally going to get Batman's letterman jacket.

But first she has to have sex with old, stuffy Kingdom Come Batman before she can crack the new spine of pre-Zero Hour Batman. Or post-Zero Hour Batman. I forget what time period these characters are from. I guess it doesn't matter that much if the characters are pre- or post-Zero Hour. Unless that character is Hank Hall.

Kingdom Come Batman has come to Metropolis to fuckfight Catwoman. I hope it winds up being a tie. That would be romantic. And sticky.

No matter how sexy artists try to make Catwoman's black suit, this purple one does something extra special to my Teen Plus.

Catwoman figures the only way this team-up is going to end in sex is if she and Batman work together to defeat Telos. But with all that armor covering up his body, Batman doesn't realize that he's supposed to have a boner right now. Catwoman was sitting right on top of him! That's like the universal signal that somebody thinks you're a compatible sexual partner! Or a chair!

Mannheim, leader of Intergang, shows up to kill Batman since Catwoman seems a bit distracted by Batman's heaping amounts of justice. Mannheim throws armored Batman through a glass window because this Batman's reactions are slower than normal due to being armored and really fucking old. It's also possible that Batman saw a huge, unbroken glass window and couldn't help throwing himself through it. That leaves Catwoman to take down Mannheim alone which is the proper way to write this story. Mannheim is Catwoman's sowing to reap.

"Power Source" is an acceptable answer! I would have also accepted "face."

After defeating Mannheim, the residents of Suicide Slums emerge with more firearms to put Batman in the ground and save the city. Seriously? Now the poor and downtrodden get some initiative! Conservative zing!

Catwoman steps up to deliver her Oscar winning speech where she says, "Wherever there are robotic world conquerors. I'll be there! Wherever there are timelines being written out of existence. I'll be there! Wherever sidekicks aren't allowed to return from the dead after an acceptable amount of time, I'll be there! Wherever a Batman needs a sweaty break from fighting justice, I'll be there! Wherever armed citizens of Suicide Slums threaten my Batman, I'll be there!" Then Batman says, "I thought you were going to go with the 'shoot your own dog' speech!" Then Skartaris blows up and rocks the world.

"An accident"? I think the words you're looking for are "poor aim."

Then Catwoman dies leaving the saving of both cities to Batman. I guess that's supposed to be a heroic death to save everybody. She's a Catmartyr. She's been giving everything she has to help these people and, in the end, she finally runs out of things to give. Or the last thing she has to give is Batman and who wouldn't want a Batman? That's the way I'm sure Justin Gray wants people to read this story. But come on! What Catwoman fan isn't going to read this and throw it against the wall? Why the fuck is Catwoman giving up her life to save Batman in her own comic book?! I know technically she's saving everybody by giving up her life but I'm trying to be angry at how the message of this comic book is blatantly sexist! Especially when Batman peeks under her top after she's dead. Really, DC?!

Convergence: Catwoman #2 Rating: Catwoman and Batman were supposed to fuck in this series. But they didn't so this series failed. But it didn't just fail! It super-failed by killing Catwoman so that Batman can live! What kind of message are you sending to little Catgirls? They're only worthy of elevating a man to a position where he can change the world? They can't do it themselves?

How many Catwomen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! As long as her death motivates some guy into realizing the room needs a new light source.

Divergence: Gotham By Midnight
"The Midnight Shift is in danger from both its members and the rest of the GCPD! In a deadly new Gotham City, does the paranormal really still pose a threat?"

The Midnight by Gotham Sneak Peek is more like an advertisement for readers that missed the first story arc than it is some short story bridging the big changes happening between the pre-Convergence issue and the post-Convergence issue. We're introduced to Jim Corrigan who keeps the Spectre in check. There's Dinah Drake who's part-Banshee. There's Doctor Tarr who speaks Ancient Gibberish. There's Lieutenant Weaver who keeps the Midnight Shift in check by demanding every receipt. And then there was Sister Justine but I think they need a new nun for Issue #6 because I think Justine died or something. They're the team Batman (Commissioner Gordon in Armor version) calls when Gotham has ghosts! After that, he calls his lawyer to make sure nobody is going to sue over putting "call" and "ghosts" in the same sentence.

The main thing that has changed is the art. Ben Templesmith is gone so the look isn't going to be as creepy and spooky as it was previously. Juan Ferreyra is on both art and color so they'll keeping the same basic painted style. Juan's lines are a lot more slick than Ben's though. And the characters have actual hands instead of everybody having claws, which is kind of a disappointment. Ben's style was a major part of this book but I think Juan's more polished look might actually garner more readers (no matter how wrong and shallow those readers are).

I'm not knocking Juan at all! This stuff really looks gorgeous! I just think Ben Templesmith's style was a huge part of the personality of this book.

And that's my comic book art critique for the year! Coming up next: one thousand commentaries about a visual medium without a single reference to the art!

Convergence: Action Comics #1

Superman's eyesight is so powerful that he has to squint everywhere he goes or he'll go insane.

The problems with feminism in the modern age are the same problems that plagued feminism in the seventies and beyond. One feminist will believe something that another feminist doesn't believe and they disagree on who is doing feminism better. You know, the whole splitters thing. The problem with this is that it isn't a problem. That's a feature of feminism! The disagreeing is a feature, not the accusing somebody else of not being a feminist simply because they're not doing it the way you would do it. Of course, if their feminism is all about subjugating women, I think we'd have to agree that their feminism might be missing the point. I'm not saying each person gets to define feminism so loosely that it loses all meaning. I'm just saying that, ultimately, feminism is about each individual being allowed to live the life that they want to live without society (you know, the Patriarchy) being a barrier to their dreams and goals. Unless their dreams and goals are, you know, the systematic enslavement and destruction of a certain subset of people based on...well, based on anything, really! Although who am I to genocide shame anybody?

I've always considered myself a feminist simply because I believe in the right of the individual to be who they want to be. But I certainly don't expect anybody to read any of my commentaries and come to the conclusion that I'm a feminist, especially in the current cultural climate. I'm (half!) white. I'm male. I'm heterosexual. I don't believe it's oppression every time the word retard or faggot or nigger or cunt is used (like that time!). Although notice that list (which can be expanded but I don't want to oppress everybody reading this!)? Where is the horribly offensive term for a white heterosexual male, right (even if the list were expanded, I can't think of a slur for a white cishet male (other than calling one a white cishet male! Zing!)? My theory (besides the theory about white cishet males doing all of the oppression in Western Society for so long that they've made up all of the best slurs (I mean best in most effectively used in conjunction with oppressing minorities and not best as in they're so awesome to use all of the time!) is that white males have historically been thought of as the "blank slate" or the "normal" members of society. So they're not told that they're "whatever" simply because they're part of a minority group. From the moment of their birth, they're considered an individual only and they grow up with that mindset. It's the ultimate privilege to not be told you should be a certain way because of your sex or skin color or religion. From birth, white cishet males get to be individuals. And as a "group of individuals," it's hard to come up with a slur that somehow targets and encompasses them all. Also to give credence to the "words as oppressive" argument (notice earlier I said using slurs is not oppression "every time" they're used. Just hearing or seeing the word in neutral context does not constitute being oppressed. Seriously. Buck the fuck up), the minority (and I use that phrase in the context of white cishet males as being the majority benefactors of the current (and historical) Patriarchy) voice cannot be used to oppress the majority. So any slur a minority group can come up with for the majority group will, at best, anger some of the individuals in that majority but can never truly be considered a slur. My high school friend Soy Rakelson used to turn red with rage whenever somebody attacked white males while I just never gave a shit. Because I don't see myself as part of the "white male" group. I just see myself as me.

Identity is key in the discussion of free speech and oppression (I know I'm all over the place here but what do you expect? This is a comic book commentary and not an academic essay!). I have never felt oppressed by speech of any kind because I don't consider myself a part of any overall group (again, this is the biggest privilege of all white cishet males. The ones that get offended by anti-white or anti-male speech are simply making a show of trying to be a victim by pretending that ultimate privilege doesn't somehow exist for them). One of the oppressors key weapons is absolutely language. To fight against the Patriarchy, minorities must form groups based on the traits which the majority uses to oppress the groups. So the Civil Rights movement, which would theoretically wind up benefiting all minority groups, was really a movement for equal rights for black Americans. Feminism is ostensibly about making gender a non-issue but ultimately about equal rights for, once again, all citizens. To fight the Patriarchy, a person in a minority group must ostensibly give up their individuality. They must identify with the group fighting against the powers that be. It's necessary to form a united front. At this point, splitters are dangerous to a movement. First and foremost, it must be about the group identity. And this is when words can (and are, constantly, used to) oppress. The Patriarchy pushes back and uses slurs that target everybody within that group. And everybody in that group must be offended because it is an attack on the movement and what they believe. Words are the front line of all civil rebellion so words used against minority groups must be taken seriously and deemed absolutely inappropriate, and often that's interpreted as in any context (even in a discussion about how these slurs have been used historically and why they should not be allowed).

As a white cishet male, words have never been used as a weapon against me so I can easily support free speech. The thing is, free speech really isn't in any danger of being curtailed no matter how many people angrily rant that their free speech is being eroded because they were called an asshole for calling somebody a retard. You can still call somebody a retard, or review a television show as being gay. It just comes with more social consequences than it did in the eighties. And being called out on being insensitive isn't curtailing your free speech. It's called having to take responsibility for your choices as an adult living in this current cultural climate (which is, believe it or not, a neutral statement by me and not a judgment on the "current cultural climate". Look, I love calling my friends retarded and gay! Because they are! But it's wrong so I don't do it anymore. Unless they do something totally retarded or gay). The fact that people are having discussions about whether or not free speech is dangerous or necessary is testament to how speech is, well, free. People get angry at something. Other people get angry at people getting angry at something. More people get angry at people getting angry at people getting angry at something. And so on and so forth. But nobody is being arrested for having these discussions.

The end of that last paragraph makes it sound like everybody's heads are constantly exploding. But I don't see that at all. Occasionally, you'll see an outbreak of outrage on a variety of levels and from all sides about something on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook or Whtvr (trademarked!). But for regular, non-troll people that spend a lot of their time on those sites, those moments are few and far between. I see a lot more people just enjoying themselves. And a lot of people agree on a lot of stuff that is seriously good feminism. Yeah, I'm judging their feminism like I said shouldn't be done earlier. But I'm an individual with his own preferences and biases and horrible uses of language and that comes with my own set of horrible opinions that nobody should take any heed of whatsoever.

I know some people probably think I should keep my mouth shut and just listen but that's fucking bullshit propaganda so people don't have to have serious discussions with other people whose views differ slightly from theirs. It's a way to shut up splitters and I won't be a part of that kind of bullying!

Oh! Quickly getting back to the point of it all about splitters and movements and language being used to undermine the messages of those movements! Splitters are inevitable and not a bad thing, ultimately. They will fray a movement if a movement lasts long enough because no group will ever be a perfect representation of all of the members of that group. The group must try to keep from splitting long enough to make changes in the Patriarchy. The Patriarchy uses language to try to cause splitters and get the movement to implode. It's a balancing act for individuals in a movement to disregard their own needs and desires long enough to swing the pendulum of equality as close to the center as possible (dammit! The whole pendulum thing is another digression I should go into! About how the most extreme members of a movement are needed since they create a target for the pendulum to swing far past where it will eventually come to rest. Without the most extreme members of a movement (in feminism, the ones all the white, cishet males (and females too!) will term "feminazis" because they seem so radical (and scary! (not to me! (just to clarify!)))), the pendulum will never move as far as it eventually moves). Once the group has moved that pendulum, splitters will begin to focus on other aspects of the movement that they see as important that other members of the movement might not agree with. So whenever feminists argue about the details (which are important, of course!), they run the risk of eroding the movement which is what the Patriarchy wants, and which the Patriarchy actively encourages. The whole deal with people eschewing the label "feminist" is part of that fight to destroy the movement. If they can make the definition of a feminist seem awful, they can destroy the movement by simply making it unsavory to those that probably actually agree with most of its goals.

To summarize, in some ways (mostly white, cishet male ways), I'm the best feminist ever because I completely support everybody in their right to engage in their own individual pursuits (except for Scott Lobdell. He should stop doing everything he's doing). In other ways (mostly white, cishet male ways), I'm the worst feminist to ever exist! Although I'm not, really. But I can see how people that don't actually know me personally could think that, especially since I can never take anything seriously. I assure you all that I do take things seriously! Just not here on this blog. Sometimes I try! But then I always slip into being facetious and end up undermining everything I previously said. Stupid brain is an asshole.

One more secret about the previous paragraphs: I'm not trying to change anybody's minds or explain anything to them. The preceding is just an expression of what's in my head. It's individual thoughts from an individual and not a manifesto, lecture, treatise, or belief that everybody should view this issue in the same way that I do. I have no historical proof and cite no sources. It's just an expression of one person's opinion based on experience and reading lots and lots of shit. It's also just a lot of rationalizing to justify being whoever the fuck I want to be! Please send dissenting comments to YourMom@hotmail.com.

I don't think I have any space left for writing about Action Comics! This should have been a separate post!

It's surprising that Clark Kent doesn't have a Pulitzer after all of his articles about how great Superman is.

The guy asking for the Kent's autographs is a big fan of their love story. Or his mom was, anyway. He tells Lois that his mother thought Lois was "a hardworking, independent woman taking on the tough stories and always putting herself in harm's way to bring people the truth." After Lois's asshole was nice and clean from this guy's mother's tongue, Lois says that his mother "sounds like a terrific person." I also think everybody that praises me is a terrific person too! Although I really know in my heart that the people who praise me must live with the vilest of evils deep within their hearts because they instinctively recognize one of their own.

Clark revealed his identity to the citizens of Metropolis after the dome fell because that was the best way he knew how to inspire the populace and help them hang on to hope. If they knew Superman was dealing with the same problems, and more since he lost his power, but he was keeping a stiff upper lip about it all, maybe they would be more relaxed and calm about this situation over which they had no control. I guess it worked because everybody seems pretty calm. Except for, you know, that incident with Toyman earlier. But Robin and The Huntress handled that.

Shouldn't Superman be worried about all of the enemies he's made?! Maybe he's best friends with Lex Luthor now that Clark has lost his powers. Lex doesn't have to feel inferior anymore.

Are the geese a symbol I'm not understanding?! Oh! I bet they're Canadian Geese which represents how they're trapped away from home and family and are powerless to do anything about it!

Meanwhile in the Moscow Dome, Communist Superman and Communist Wonder Woman are having a meeting with Communist Stalin and Capitalist Lex Luthor to try to figure out how to control the Communist peasants and/or break out of the dome and/or how to supply everybody with enough toilet paper.

Lex has a theory that they are in a zoo which leads to his next theory that they will be called on to fight with other animals in the zoo. I don't know what kinds of zoos Luthor has been visiting! The closest I've seen to gladiator style zoos was at the Lincoln Zoo in Nebraska where they kept the Tamarin Monkeys in with the Sloths. I have my own theory about that! I think the sloth perceives time so slowly that it doesn't see the Tamarin monkeys at all while the Tamarin monkeys move so fast, they perceive the sloth as an inanimate object.

Nothing is accomplished in the meeting although they did determine that they all hate Lex Luthor.

I don't think Claude St. Aubin was informed that Kara gained fifteen pounds here.

I don't know who Andrew is because I don't know much about Earth-2. But he and Kara seem to be fuck puppets. They've invited Kal and Lois to dinner. I hope they're not interrupted by Planet Brainiac!

I can't really scan double page splashes as well as I'd like because I have a dinky little USB scanner, so I'll just have to say that I love the double page splash which occurs when Kara thinks of the past. It's Power Girl and Infinity Inc. battling Helix and it's glorious! Kara actually looks fifteen pounds heavier in the flashback. Sun-fueled Kryptonian muscle mass must weigh less than human fat.

Back in Moscow, Lex Luthor takes his wife Lois Lane to check out some Russian invisible plane technology. While they're looking at it, Lex throws some shade at the old comics and cartoons that had Wonder Woman visible while the invisible jet flew around the sky. This invisible jet actually hides the pilot! Isn't the future amazing?!

While they're underground, Planet Brainiac sends out the message about the coming Battle Royale. Communist Wonder Woman hears it so she must be battling Superman and Power Girl since Communist Superman is off fighting Robin and The Huntress. Superman and Power Girl hear the message on Kara's balcony after dinner. But nobody yet notices they have their powers back. That's for next time.

Convergence: Action Comics #1 Rating: I apologize for the way I began this commentary. I just want to reiterate that it's not a slam at the way anybody engages in feminism. As I said, I think the differences in everyone's ideologies is part of the point of equality. We are all going to differ by degrees. We should always be able to express our dissent when people put forth ideas with which we don't agree. Dissent is a good thing especially when it's directed at something we hold dear for it gives us an opportunity to expound on why something means so much to us. Unless that dissent comes from a sea lion. Then just fucking ignore it. Some people (and many would include me in those "some people") are dinosaurs that don't yet know they're extinct holding on to beliefs and ideals that have forever left them incapable of engaging in the modern world. I'm old enough to know how many of my own beliefs don't quite fit in with the youthful passion of change and rebellion seen on some places on the internet. But that's the benefit of my viewpoint. It's from a perspective that has seen time and time before what young people believe is happening for the first time. You're not engaging in anything new except for maybe changing the language and terms to try to make your argument more revolutionary. Although you might have to fight harder after the social debacle of the eighties. Take that decade as a warning! The harder you swing that pendulum, the further it'll swing back the other way. Those MRA guys that can't help looking like a joke because of the shit they get angry about? They're probably going to be the push back on the pendulum. If that happens, we're in for a sucky fucking decade.

Oh yeah! This comic was enjoyable. I think. It probably would have been better if Jimmy Palmiotti had been there to help Justin Gray with this typing.

MY MIND WAS BLOWN BY WHO ARRIVES TO FUCK AND LECTURE CATWOMAN AT THE END OF CONVERGENCE: CATWOMAN #1!

Yay! Teen Plus! That probably means Catwoman has sex!

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1 was rated "Teen Plus" because it has a powerful woman leading the group. It might also be because it could get incredibly violent but since the first issue was just Amanda Waller walking around being tough, I'm only speculating on the violence part (okay, Toyman was shot in the face but who hasn't had that dream multiple times?) while I have proof that the comic features a strong woman of color.

I hate that phrase: People of Color. I wish the racists would start using it as an insult so society can come up with a better term for non-white people. While we're at it, can we get rid of "white" as a descriptor? I wouldn't mind being referred to as a pink male from now on. Although if I spend any time in the sun, you'll have to refer to me as an olive male. Sometimes I even look quite like a tumbleweed (that's a sanctioned Crayola Crayon color!) male.

Hey, did y'all know that cancer is a thing and it kills people and that's bad and sad and it would be cool if cancer were stopped?

Whew! I feel like I accomplished something with my stupid comic book commentaries now because I just raised awareness for cancer. Also, sometimes when you walk outside barefoot, you could step on broken glass. Boom! Just raised awareness for that too! I'm fucking Mother Theresa all of a sudden. I mean, I am claiming to be her with vulgar authority not sticking my dick in her vagina.

I derailed my "Teen Plus" conversation! So, um, this issue is rated "Teen Plus" because I'm guessing Catwoman shows an interest in sex. She might even claim to enjoy it. And we can't have young males knowing that women enjoy having sex or their heads will fucking explode. I mean, I just typed the sentence "She might even claim to enjoy it" and I almost orgasmed in my pants.

This issue begins with Catwoman in her purple suit crashing through a skylight because she's a Copy Catwoman! Har har! I'm going to call up my mother and tell her that joke.

First off, who wrote this? Justin Gray? Justin, Justin, Justin. Catwoman is a cat burglar! She's a cat which means she's supposed to be sneaky and quiet. Although it seems like I might be wrong about that. If my cat Pelafina were breaking into a museum to steal some super huge jewels, she'd walk in going, "Hello? Hello? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?" So maybe Justin Gray got this right, especially for the whole Copycat Joke which I pretended to write but Justin really wrote it without calling attention to it. Scott Lobdell would have put the joke right in a Narration Box to make sure the idiotic readers didn't miss his stupid fucking joke. God, he's a jerk.

Maybe I should scan a picture just to make things more interesting?

Whoa! Those are some crazy big Teen Pluses.

This encounter is taking place before the dome drops. It's just giving the reader a good reason for Catwoman being in Metropolis. "There are sparkly, shiny jewels in Metropolis. Therefore Catwoman was in Metropolis." That's sound logic! Guess who else is in Metropolis according to the next comic book in my stack?! Aquaman! I wish Catwoman and Aquaman would wind up in a relationship. And of course I'm using "relationship" as a euphemism for "sweaty fuck lodge."

Gabe Eltaeb colored this comic book. I've been meaning to write a letter to Gabe for some time. I think I'll do it here and hope he reads it.

Dear Gabe,

Did you love to eat at Fat Albert's and Roma's while at the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley? You were probably so cool that you once had your dick sucked in the Michener Library by Dr. Worley. Although the smell of cow dung in the air probably put you off a bit. Did you ever meet Connie Willis? She was the best. One time at the Sigma Tau Delta Halloween thing, A Little Night Music, Daniel Justice (now a noted author in his own right) read my story "A Really Scary Story" and Connie Willis heard it. So I've written a story that was once heard by a Hugo winner! How about that, Gabe!? I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, Gabe. I guess because I feel a bond with you because you went to the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley and I got drunk there a lot while visiting my friend Doom Bunny. Anyway, cheers!

Yours Truly,
Grunion Guy

P.S. Did you read that part where I mentioned Connie Willis once had one of my stories read to her?!

This issue is called Schrödinger's Cat because why wouldn't it be? All the cool kids love to mention that darn cat!

Anyway, the dome drops and one year later, everything has turned to shit. At least in Suicide Slums. Where, um, it was shit already. So I guess nothing has really changed much at all.

This scene is so sexist. Why are there only guys hunting people for sport?

Remember the days before the internet when you could mention "Schrödinger's Cat" and nobody would know what the fuck you were talking about?! Those were the good old days! When you could know some shit that nobody else knew and sound like a huge big shot at a party where everybody was getting drunk and eventually getting laid while you sat in a corner with all of your esoteric, bullshit knowledge that never once made a single pair of panties drop. Now with the internet, everybody thinks it's cool to know stuff! Fuck you assholes! You don't know what it was like in the Wild West before the internet! You all run around claiming the name of "nerd" and "geek" but you don't remember what it was like to actually be one before it garnered a shit-ton of cultural capital. If you ever want to know what it was like to be a fucking comic book reader before the internet, pick up a copy of Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth and read all that tiny print on the inside front cover. I know the popular, correct, modern way to respond to that now is to point out how bullshit sexist it is because it's written from a guy's point of view. But fuck you and your modern sensibilities! You didn't live through the Nerd Holocaust of the Eighties! It was the worst holocaust ever!

I may have damaged my point with that holocaust hyperbole but I stand by my statement! Because I lived through the Eighties and whatever I went through is obviously more important than anything anybody else ever went through! Duh!

She's talking about sex! And blow jobs! Of the male and female kind! Teen Plus!

She's talking about his cum! Or his socks?

That fucking "Teen Plus" rating! It's got my mind in the gutter! Seriously! Why am I reading a Catwoman comic book and purely thinking about Catwoman in sexual situations (mostly with Batman (and inside a box full of poison))? It's not because she's sexy! It's because she's been sexualized by the "Teen Plus" rating! I'm getting a little bit tired of Catwoman and Batwoman automatically getting "Teen Plus" ratings on their books. Since The New 52 began, comic books with on-panel decapitations have not earned "Teen Plus" ratings but Catwoman and Batwoman consistently have a "Teen Plus" rating. When I see that on the cover, I know it's because of the female lead and her healthy attitude towards fucking (even if no sex takes place in the issue. Like the majority of Catwoman and Batwoman comics. So why the fucking rating, DC?). So right on the cover, before I even have a chance to simply enjoy Catwoman as the individual, non-objectified being she deserves to be, she's objectified. Change the fucking policy of "Teen Plus" ratings on comic books with mature female leads who enjoy sex, DC. Or stick a fucking Teen Plus rating on all of your Batman books, mmkay?

Well at least it wasn't immoral, amirite?!

I love the phrase "looting, lawlessness, rampant amoral behavior." At least (and probably more than) 50% of all the amoral behavior was good shit! People doing things but not caring if they were moral or immoral. But some of what they were doing, by an outside observer who did care, might think, "Oh, what a moral, upstanding person! Doing that thing that is so moral!" While the person doing the thing is all, "Hum de dum dum dum. I'm just doing this thing because I want to. Dum dee dum."

Meanwhile the guy judging rampant amorality because he probably wants more rampant immorality is the current head of Intergang, Mr. Mannheim Steamroller. He's taking control of Metropolis in much the way Tobias Whale thought he was taking over Metropolis. Does Catwoman know Bruce is in town?! I bet she'd like to test drive his new spine.

Catwoman doesn't like how Intergang is extorting the populace of Metropolis (or whatever they're doing. They're criming things up!). But mostly she's simply upset that they kidnapped a scientist that was helping her part of the city, Suicide Slums. She's so rampantly amoral!

Anyway, Catwoman raids Intergang to free her useful friend which is when Planet Brainiac tolls the bell which tolls for you, by the way, since you're asking.

And immediately after Planet Brainiac's message ends, Kingdom Come Batman arrives with his dick in his hand and a lecture in his back pocket. Fucking asshole. Catwoman isn't your plaything, asshole!

Although I do hope they fuck. I'm a romantic!

Convergence: Catwoman #1 Rating: Great issue! Good issue! Decent issue! I'm losing confidence in my review fast! Seriously though before I thoroughly confuse jelyde1, I enjoyed this issue. I guess Justin Gray can write without Jimmy Palmiotti looking over his shoulder, offering words of encouragement, and rubbing his stiff cock on the back of Justin's neck.

Star Spangled War Stories #8

Mick and Jessica are doomed!

I have no clue what the names of the characters are in this comic book and I don't really give a shit. I'm kind of hoping they all die and the world ends and somehow the words on the last page of the issue are a magical incantation that will erase the memory of the entire series from my mind. Stop publishing bullshit comic books just to maintain the trademark for stupid comic book titles that don't need to fucking exist. Just because DC Comics once published a comic book called Star Spangled War Stories, or GI Combat, or Men at War, it doesn't mean DC needs to ever publish any comic book by those names ever again. Some people might say I'm wrong and they want to read war stories but those people are jerks that should be euthanized. And then their bodies should be fed to goats.

I'm serious here, DC Comics! No more fucking war comic books! Especially ones that don't have anything to do with war! GI Zombie is bullshit!

Last issue, Sally had tried to make a break for it from the Evil Hillbilly Terrorists. She hopped into a pink VW Bus driven by a California Coast Zombie and called for help. Too bad for her and the hippie (and, mostly, the beautiful pink VW Bus), they were stopped by bad people with big guns.

Well, they're dead. I'm guessing the front of a VW Bus doesn't exactly have a whole lot of stopping power when it comes to bullets fired out of assault rifles.

As the hippie squeals down the road in reverse using all four cylinders (possibly three if the thing has recently blown a fucking plug), the hippie makes a wrong turn and backs his poor bus off of a cliff. Jessica manages to pull him from the bus before it plummets to its pink doom and hide him in the bushes as the Evil Gun Wielding Maniacs start searching for bodies.

Meanwhile on the way to save Barbara's life, I remember one of the character's names because his name is awesome: Gravedigger! And that's not even his awesome name! His real name is Ulysses Hazard! Who needs a fucking nickname like Gravedigger when your real name is Ulysses Hazard?! Although this New 52 version of Gravedigger actually has a stupid real name so I'm getting excited for nothing. I don't know why they decided to make his name boring. DC Comics sure knows how to make the wrong decision every time.

Oh my god! This issue is called The Final Countdown! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! EXPLOSION! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! Ooooo wheee ooooooh ooooooh wheeeee ooooooooooooooh! We're leaving together! But still it's farewell! And maybe we'll come back! To Earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! Will things ever be the same again?!?! It's the final countdown!

Now I'm rocking my cock off!

The plane Gravedigger and the zombie are using to fly to San Francisco belongs to the DC Universe's version of Grumpy Cat who is quite the war supporter, I guess.

Meanwhile, Mary becomes the Northern California version of Rambo. GI Zombies? She don't need no stinking zombies! Yes! Look at me saying lines like Roy Harper! Woo hoo! Does anybody want to RP me on Tumblr?!

Cynthia meets up with Gravedigger and GI Zombie on the beach where she tells them that they need to stop the bad guys or the bad guys will win. Good intel, Deb!

Carmen (somebody finally said her name so I can stop making up new names for her! Oh, and GI Zombie's name was Jared but it's easy enough to just call him GI Zombie because nobody will know who the fuck Jared is if I use his real name) and Jared storm the terrorist base, killing people willy-nilly. That's a silly way to murder terrorists! It makes it sound fun!

GI Zombie makes it to the control room where the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants is skulking. It turns out to be somebody GI Zombie once worked with! What a surprise twist that doesn't fucking matter at all! Mr. Head Terrorist tells GI Zombie that they're too late to start the Zombie Revolution. The bombs are about to go off, the West Coast is going to sink into the sea, and every American is going to become a mindless zombie. A literal one instead of a figurative one!

Gravedigger's team set off an electromagnetic pulse which disables the entire base and saves the world. Or something. But GI Zombie knows the guy in charge at the Ecuador Base as well so if anybody is so bored with their life that they think this comic book should start up again sometime in the future, the story where GI Zombie raids that base can be told.

Ha ha! They're so cute together! Maybe this comic book was really good!

I didn't really mean that last caption. This comic book was boring.

Star Spangled War Stories #8 Rating: No change. This comic book has never been what I'd call bad! It just never really interested me. Sometimes it would almost feel like it was about to tantalize me and then it wouldn't at all. And now that it's completely over, it won't let me feel happy about it because it ended with "The End, for now...". Stupid fuckers. Jerks.

Star Spangled War Stories #7

Why is Mick the Zombie taking time out to kill a baseball game?

I couldn't remember the main character's name so I named him Mick. I also know you can't technically "kill a baseball game" but then I like to sentence my own way.

This comic book should be called Star Spangled "War" Stories because war hasn't been a part of any of the stories so far. None of them have been star spangled either so maybe that should be in quotes too. They have been stories though if you consider boring characters doing boring things in service to a boring plot a story. I call my commentaries "literature," so I guess I'm all for saying this comic book contains "stories."

This issue begins with Gravedigger bragging about his nickname. What's there to brag about? So he dug some graves! Wow, look at the big man that knows how to use a shovel! Look at him measure out six feet and square the edges! Oooh! Impressive! It's certainly not scary like he seems to want it to be. I guess he's implying that he's killed a lot of people although it just sounds like he's the guy left with the shitty job of cleanup after other people killed a lot of people.

Gravedigger is bragging to the incorrectly nicknamed hillbilly terrorist. He's trying to get the guy to tell him terrorist secrets but he's all, "Fuck you!" and "Eat shit!" But Gravedigger is all, "Did I show you my hammer? Look! I have a hammer! It helps me to...dig graves!"

Gravedigger gets the information he needs by making a grave for the hillbilly's finger. Then some guy who pinches his eyes out is all, "Let's clean up here! Time is money! Chop chop!" And that's the end of the cold opening before we get to the opening credits.

Two the hard way? For a result of two in craps, there's only the hard way! I bet it's some personal joke between Jimmy and Justin. Or a pop culture joke that's lost on me.

GI Zombie eavesdrops on Tiffany and the other lady to find out where they're headed to escape the nuclear self destruct sequence that's been initiated. He learns they'll be headed to San Francisco or Ecuador and hopes it's San Francisco because it's a much smaller place to search. Although once they land in San Francisco, they might be headed up to the Bohemian Grove or maybe over the mountains to Santa Cruz or perhaps across the bay to Oakland. So maybe they'd actually be easier to find in Ecuador.

GI Zombie heads back into the Spa to try to disarm the nuclear bomb which probably doesn't have a brain so how is he going to defeat it? He has thirteen minutes to find it and then to disarm it. Or maybe he just plans to jump on it like it was a grenade and absorb the blast himself. Or, judging by the cover, he's just going to ditch this soon to be a radioactive hole and go catch a ballgame.

GI Zombie chooses the "ditch the fuck out of this place" option when he learns disarming the bomb is a fruitless task. That means it would not bear fruit. He hops in a car and drives as fast as he can away from the blast. Let's say by the time he found a car, he had five minutes to drive. Let's say he found a perfectly straight road headed directly away from the Spa. Let's say he drove at least 100 miles per hour for the full five minutes. Now I do the math and it looks like he'd be about eight thousand, three hundred miles away by the time the bomb went off. He should be fine!

Hmm. Maybe I misplaced a decimal.

GI Zombie is just fine! A little nauseated from the tumble and the radiation and probably the Black Ice Zombie Creation Juice that was left to blow up with the Hillbilly Spa Headquarters. He's picked up by a couple of government agents and hauled back to Gravedigger. I haven't seen a single sign of a baseball game. Maybe he'll dream it? Or perhaps it was just this month's Zombie Baseball Variant Cover.

Tiffany winds up in some place outside of San Francisco called Bolinas. It's another Hillbilly Survivalist compound. But this time, she's tired of playing along. Things are getting dangerous and she's got to find a way out before she's turned into a tunafish sandwich. It's what they do to their enemies! Didn't you read last month's issue? Or the commentary on my issue? I might have made up the tuna thing.

I miss my VW Bus. I should have painted it pink.

Star Spangled War Stories #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. You're upset that this had nothing to do with zombies playing baseball. You wouldn't have minded if Gray and Palmiotti had just dropped the Hillbilly Terrorist story and started a whole new story about zombie baseball for the final two issues. You find this whole homebrew terrorist story naggingly familiar and then you realize it's nearly the same story Gray and Palmiotti told using the Unknown Soldier in GI Combat. The story telling is competent but nothing about it is hooking you. You've found no moments that remind you of why you enjoyed comics in the first place. Upon reading the comic, you notice no change in your daily trudging through the mundanity of your life. You are not transported to another place. You are not filled with wonder nor excitement nor intrigue. You just find yourself turning page after page, unfazed by every head being blown apart. You care about none of the characters but you figure you've stuck with the book this far, so you might as well give the final issue a chance. See you next month, you five people still reading this!